I’ve been up – more or less – since three this morning. I woke up and my mind started going over work, my disappointment and all that stuff, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I’d doze for a while, but then I’d wake up with a start and not be able to get back into a deep sleep.

I finally gave up trying and got out of bed at about six. I thought moving to the sofa might allow me to sleep there, but I had no such luck. My opportunity to sleep in, and I can’t take advantage of it. I hate this.

I hate that I have a mind that won’t turn off and that runs things over and over, making me feel worse and worse about myself.

It’s all that shoulda, woulda, coulda, stuff that does no good, but that seems to be part of my nature. Someday I’ll figure out a way to not let those things get the better of me and I’ll be able to just shrug and move on, not spend hours analyzing and aching.

I went shopping so I could distract myself from myself.

I gave in and bought one of those little hand held carpet cleaners. It cost $50, but I have to be spending at least that much each month on all those other carpet cleaners that don’t do a great job. I’m hoping that this will clean well enough so that there are no shadows of stains remaining after I clean.

The way things are going with the cat at this point I’ll get my money’s worth out of it within the first week.

I didn’t really buy too much else. I’m sort of broke this week. I did get the last few things I needed for my secret pal. I have two gifts left to give, one at rehearsal this week and then the big one on Saturday before we compete.

I really like what I got her as the big gift. I got a huge yellow plastic beach bag, and I’ve put crazily colored plates and mugs, and placemats and cutlery in it. I think I should go back and get some of this stuff for myself.

It’s so cheerful looking!

The good thing about shopping is that it does prevent me from thinking too much. I go into another mode and I’m distracted from all those things that are on my mind and making me miserable.

I also get tired so I hope that once I fall asleep I’ll stay asleep.

Dee thinks I should start applying for jobs in other school systems, but I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I guess it all depends on salary. If I could get hired in Dee’s system, at the correct step on the salary scale I’d get a $6,000 raise. That wouldn’t be too hard to take.

I find that so amazing. I teach in the ninth wealthiest community in the state and we have one of the lowest salary scales around. At the moment we’re in contract negotiations and the sticking point is the salary scale. Obviously we feel that we should be getting paid at a level that is similar to the surrounding communities. The school committee doesn’t.

Teachers, nurses, police, fire, why is it that these people, who are among the most important in each community are often the most underpaid and poorly treated.

And don’t give me any of that baloney about teacher’s having the summer off. I have NEVER had a summer off. I need a second job in order to be able to take a vacation that lasts for just a week. Most teachers I know work for the summer, and those who don’t are often the mothers who are spending the summer taking care of their children.

Cripes, I’ve put myself back into my bad mood. I think I need to go read a magazine or a couple of chapters in Harry Potter until I fall asleep.