I have a life that has the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I’m thinking that it would be nice to find an even-keeled middle ground where I can coast for a bit.

So after that fabulous sojourn to New York I was in a wonderful mood returning from vacation. I was also very optimistic about a job change I had asked for as the principal had been pushing to have me make some calls so he could finalize things.

He led me down a garden path, but had planted poison ivy at the end.

He decided that it would be too inconvenient for him to grant me the classroom position I had requested, as I am too hard to replace. Which is all bullshit.

I am beyond upset, as I had asked for a one-year change so I could renew my soul. He had encouraged my idea, as when I first asked him he said, "You and Joyce (the woman I’d be working with) would make a fabulous team!"

He is such a hypocrite. The bottom line is that he only hires these cute little twenty-somethings who look like clones. The turn over rate is huge, as they decide to go on to other things (hell, one just joined the army reserve and is going to Kosovo! Another is in Nepal for a year!).

I ask for a change within my building and he denies it.

He spends all his time preaching how, "change is good", but apparently not if it’s going to be an inconvenience for him.

I am crushed.

Even the director of special ed supported the move and told him that she thought that it would be a good idea.

And Lord knows I have no love lost for her!

So now I will not do anything above and beyond what I have to do, unless it is something that I truly love or involves good pay. No more helping him out by doing adult ed, or taking over things that he needs to get done when it comes time for transition. It’s his job, he can do it.

And when I make up my schedule next year I’ll be sure that it is good for me, and that I get all the time that I should for lunches etc., something that I don’t have now.

I believe that good work should be rewarded, not punished. So I will do only as much as I have to do to keep my head above water. The extras are history.

That’s true from this point forward. No more unpaid overtime, no more hours and hours of taking care of work that should be able to be done at school at home.

I am going to start thinking of what’s best for me. Bottom line.

I am very very bitter about this and doubt that I’ll ever forgive him.

I am really slipping into a depression that has been brewing for the last year (since last year’s competition, my father’s death, the mess with Michael, Encore’s death, the chorus split, and now the job thing).

I haven’t’ put on any makeup all week (even to go to work), and am dressing in a very haphazard, who cares?, kind of manner. Not at all myself.

I feel immobile about doing things around my apartment or even doing any crafting things. I either sleep, eat junk food that I associate with comfort, or sit and watch television – without really watching at all.

Nothing in life is making me satisfied or bringing me joy.

I feel as if I have nothing worth hanging on to. Not that I’m going to kill myself or anything, but there just doesn’t seem to be any reason to bother with the day to day things.

I don’t know if I mentioned that I am the new chorus president (called Team Manager) and start my reign (of terror?) this week.

It will be an interesting journey.

My chorus didn’t compete this weekend, which felt very strange. But given all the changes we’ve been through in the last six months we felt that we needed time to regroup and bond as a smaller unit.

I am feeling quite happy that the two choruses that members left to go to didn’t do all that well in the competition. I am especially happy that the chorus that about 15 of our members defected to only came in fourth. They were expecting to go in and medal (top three) and blow everyone off the stage.

I am quite happy that didn’t happen. The first year that we came in fourth we were devastated and many of those who left were among the most disappointed.

The interesting news from competition is that a new chorus (that had only 19 members on stage) came in 5th! This is unheard of. The fourth place chorus had 119 on stage, and only scored about twenty points more than the fifth place group.

This is huge encouragement for the small choruses of the world!!

The other chorus that got about ten of our people came in sixth.

So the grass isn’t always greener.

Sorry this was such a downer, but my life is feeling awfully down right now.