Listening to: Meat Loaf-
Reading: The Reef Nora Roberts
Weather: 60’s sunny
Trivia: EMU's cannot walk backwards.
Cool word: palatial (puh-LAY-shul), adjective - Having the grand, luxurious
characteristics of a palace; resembling a palace. "It was the opinion of all in the office that the boss had no business complaining about the harsh snows in the area when he
wintered in his palatial estate in south Florida."
What to do?
I am not handling any aspect of my life well, and this is really depressing me. I am constantly in a horrible mood, and hate to face each day.
The worst part of it is that I have no power to change what’s happening. I’m stuck with my job, for the time being at least, and I have to face this schedule that I’ve created and figure out how to deal with it. I don’t deal with it well, and find myself in an exhausted heap by the end of the week.
I hate the extra work this reading program is putting on me, and the amount of time it’s sucking up. Now they want me to take on an additional one hour a day to tutor a kid after school. They’re willing to pay me the $22 an hour, but I don’t see how I can take anything else on. And I hate tutoring.
I don’t have enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done, but I also refuse to give them huge chunks of my own time as I have in the past.
I actually got a very brief e-mail from Michael today asking me if I was ok, as he hadn’t heard from me all week.
I need to respond to that, but don’t exactly know how to explain the why of it. One of the reasons he hasn’t heard from me – aside from being busy – is that I have had two dreams this week in which he snubbed me and told me to leave him alone. I think I took these as a sign to be silent.
I know this is stupid, but it tells where my head and self-esteem are at the moment. In the dumper.
The chorus is also doing a job on me, and I’m hating everything that’s a part of it. I’m so unhappy with the way I‘ve been treated lately, and I’m so dreading this week as we lead up to the show. I am looking forward to having it over and done with, so I can decide what my next steps will be.
Do I want to stick with it?
If I don’t what will I do in its place? Can I exist without singing?
But if I do go back, will I snap? How long can I take the feeling of being mistreated and underappreciated? What is this doing to my feelings of self worth?
There are no easy answers to that one.
I’m also going through some family stuff right now, that I’m having a problem weeding through.
There is something going on with my mother’s eyes, but I’m not sure exactly what it is at the moment. I get one story and each of my brothers gets a different one. To me it sounds serious, as if she may be losing her sight in the same way that my father did. I’m not sure exactly what the story on this is so one of my brothers is going to get to the bottom of it.
I don’t know what we’ll do if it is really serious.
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