Life with John was great. I loved everything about him, except for those occasions when he came home roaring drunk. We did have some ups and downs, and there were times when I just couldn’t stand him, but we made it through all of that. John and Paul had reconciled, although Paul never stayed in a room for long, if I walked in, and I hadn’t talked to him since that day when I moved in with John. Richard was one of my best friends, but my friendship with George flourished the most, and we became practically brother and sister. Patti and Maureen would take me on weekly shopping sprees (they shopped everyday!). I actually had a life in London, but there were times when I began to worry about John...
One night John came home extremely late, and was horribly drunk. I hardly ever saw him so drunk, and as it turned out he was in one of his caustic moods. He began to talk about Devil’s Pit. I couldn’t take that kind of abuse so I slapped him, ran upstairs into our bed room, slammed the door shut, locked it, then I threw myself on the bed and cried. John kept banging on the door, but I didn’t get out of bed until the next morning. I opened the door and found John sleeping on the floor. I sat down beside him, and stroked his cheek lightly with my hand. He woke up, and looked at me. Tears came to his eyes, and although his apology was awkward, it was sincere. I kissed him, and he told me how much he loved me.
Things began to change shortly after that night. John and I had been together for two months, and that was when I began to get sick. I was nauseous almost every morning, had constant mood swings, and I didn’t want to make love very much anymore. This frustrated John, but he dealt with it. After another month I realized that I was pregnant. This scared me, not only because of what happened so long ago, but because I didn’t know how to tell John. After a few days of hard thinking I decided not to tell John, but how could I keep something like that from John? I mean he was so perceptive...
John began to feel frustrated around me, I suppose for a number of reasons. In fact when I tried to get him to go to George and Patti’s wedding he flat out refused. I was upset about it, but I got over it. Then one night John stayed out for two days without coming home. On the night before he came home Paul showed up at the door. I let him in, thinking that maybe he was willing to forgive and forget. That was a mistake. Paul was really drunk, and wanted to say that he loved me and wanted me back. He ended up sleeping on the couch, and I slept with the bedroom door locked. The next morning Paul was back to his senses and we were eating breakfast when Mal brought John in. John had gotten into a fight and had a black eye, and was extremely drunk. I knew what he had been doing for the past two days. Mal took him to our bedroom, and I took care of him. Paul and Mal left, and John didn’t wake up until around four that afternoon. When he noticed I was there, and had been taking care of him, something snapped in him. At first he acted withdrawn, then he began to be caustic and cruel, but all the while he was being so mean to me, he wouldn’t look me in the face. After awhile he just left again. I began to cry, from frustration, and probably one of my many mood swings, and I ended up calling George.
“Hello?” I heard Patti say.
“Patti could you please put George on?” I sniffled.
“Oh, Charlie! Is that you? What happened?” Patti said concern evident in her voice.
“Please just put George on,” I sobbed.
“Charlie what the bloody hell?” George sounded a bit astonished to hear me like this.
“George could you just please come over. I need your help and some advice.”
“Yeah, I’ll be right over,” He replied.
“I’ll be waiting.” I cradled the receiver, and then went up to the bedroom to begin packing. I was just finishing up when I heard the door below slam, and footsteps running up the stairs. George burst into the room, and saw the packed suitcases lying on the bed. The tears began to fall again. He wrapped his arms about me, and comforted me. Finally when my sobs died down he asked, “Now luv, what did he do?”
“George, it’s just that he has been so uptight lately, and I know I have been frustrating to be around for the past few weeks, and he just keeps leaving. I want to tell him everything, but I don’t want his pity!” I began to sob again.
“Don’t want his pity? What’s going on Charlie? You can tell me you know,” George sounded suspicious.
“I’m pregnant. I know that if he knew, he would marry me, but not for love, just for the sake of honor, and for the baby. I don’t want that! Damn it, I just couldn’t take that. It would put so much on him, and besides he just isn’t ready for it!” I sighed, feeling exhausted, and completely confused. George let out a deep breath.
“Oh, hell.” George sighed. “You know John well, but luv, he really does love you. You do know that don’t you?”
“I can’t be sure anymore. He treats me like shit, and I feel like he doesn’t want me anymore. Maybe I should have tried with Paul, rather than be the fool, and let my love for John put me in this mess!” I sobbed.
“Don’t say that, Charlie. You love John, and even if he doesn’t show it, he is absolutely head over heels in love with you. You don’t hear how he talks about you day in, day out, luv...” He trailed, and then finished. “So what are your plans then? Are you going to leave him?”
“Do I have a choice in the matter? If I stay, and he finds out about the baby, not only will he despise me but the baby as well. I couldn’t take that, so if I leave, he can just despise me instead. I don’t want to go, but I have too. I just don’t know where to go.”
“How about this. I can get a flat for you in New York, and set you up with a bank account for the year. That should be secure enough for you and the baby, and then once you give birth you could find a job. We could keep in touch, only I would know where you are, and I wouldn’t tell John, or anyone for that matter,” George suggested.
“Okay. We’ll do that.”
“Um, Charlie...”
“What is it.”
“Well you may have to wait for about a week before everything is arranged. Do you think you could wait?” George asked, looking me straight in the eye.
“Yeah, I can wait. It might be best that way. It would give me a chance to say goodbye,” I hugged him and then added, “Thanks for understanding, Georgie. You’re the greatest!”
“Anytime. I will begin making the arrangements tomorrow. You can always change your mind you know, but if you don’t we’ll keep in touch, aye? Come ‘ead, luv!” He hugged me and then left. Now I was alone and left to my thoughts.
John got back really late. He clamored into bed wearing just his underwear. I knew what he was hoping. He began kiss me. I could smell, and taste the alcohol on his breath. I pushed him away. “Not tonight, John,” I whispered. I tried to turn over but, he held me in place so I was facing him.
“When then? We haven’t made love in so long. I miss you Charlie. I want you so much, but it’s like you’re running from me. I can’t wait forever, and I love you. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?” John slurred.
“Damn you! You don’t know what love is. You think it is something physical but its not. You have to feel it John! You have to feel it with your heart!” I yelled. I pushed him away and then got out of bed. I went into the bathroom and sat on the floor and cried. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up. John was standing there, my words must have sobered him up some. He picked me up and carried me to bed. He laid down beside me and said, “I am sorry, love. You must think I am right selfish bastard. I never meant to hurt you like that, but it... I feel like you are hiding something from me. Please tell me. I love you and want to help.”
I sighed. How could I tell John the truth? I didn’t want to scare him. John I am pregnant! If I told him, he would be shocked, and scared out of his mind. What would he do with a wife and kid to raise? I didn’t want him to marry me out of pity! It was for love or for nothing! That is how I wanted it, and that was how it would be. All of those thoughts raced through my mind, as I finally came to my answer, “I don’t know what’s wrong. I just have so much on my mind, and I am just under a lot of pressure, and you going to pubs, and God knows where else, isn’t very helpful to me right now. I know you love me, but sometimes you make me wonder, with the way you act. I know that lately I’ve been frustrating you, and I am trying, I really am, but you are just making it harder for me. Please just try and understand.”
He held me in his arms, like he never wanted to let go. I felt awful for not telling him the truth. I embraced him with all of my strength. I never wanted to let go. We fell asleep in each other’s arms. When I awoke my right arm was stiff, but that didn’t matter, I stayed in bed and watch John sleep. He was so peaceful in his sleep, like an innocent little boy. If only he could be like that all of the time, sure there were moments when he was very kind, and loving, but he always kept that side of him hidden. His darker side would almost always find a way out. I lightly brushed a stray strand of his hair out of his face, and then leaned down and kissed him. He stirred but didn’t wake up. I carefully got out of his arms, got dressed, and then went downstairs to fix breakfast. As I was finishing up the bacon, and toast, I heard John clamoring down the stairs. He poked his head into the kitchen, with a sleepy smile on his face. I set a cup of coffee in front of him, and he gladly excepted it. Soon we were eating breaky, he was joking, and I was laughing. It was just like in the beginning. The days that I missed and longed for were back, but the thought of how long it would last kept plaguing me.
Later that day John and I paid Richard and Maureen a little visit. Their darling son Zac was the sweetest. Richard doted on him, and was the absolute perfect father. I watched Richard and Maureen with their little son, and I felt a longing to tell John the truth, but I knew the consequences that might cause, so I just kept my mouth shut and smiled. It would be hard to raise a baby without a father, but if it was necessary then I would do it, besides John wasn’t ready to be a family man, it just wasn’t his time. I got hungry while we were there, and headed for the kitchen, I had long since been very welcomed in the kitchen and knew it as well as I knew John’s. I found a jar of pickles (ack... I don’t like pickles, but you certainly can crave the strangest things in the “delicate condition”) and was opening them, when Richard walked into the room. He looked at me and when he saw the jar in my hands something in his face changed, he was a little astounded, and then asked, “When are you going to tell John?”
“When the time is right, if it ever is,” I akwardly replied. “Luv, you can’t keep something like this from John. He will figure it out sooner or later, you know that.”
“Richie, promise me, that you won’t tell him. I am going to leave for a little while, okay. I don’t want John to know about anything, because I don’t want him to marry me because of the baby, and then end up despising me and this kid for the rest of his life,” I bowed my head in defeat and sighed.
“I know what you are thinking. If you leave he will just end up despising you, and then he will get over you and find someone else. If only it were that easy. Just tell him Charlie, just tell him,” Richard said. He patted my shoulder, and then helped me open the pickle jar. Richard’s words kept running through my mind. Maybe I should tell John. He might understand. I think he really does love me, but what if he really isn’t ready. He may end up hating me for the rest of his life. I wouldn’t be able to take that. We talked and John and Richard ending up playing a few games of pool in Richard’s favorite room. I was floating through my own world of thoughts. It was getting late, and John snapped me out of my thoughts with a kiss. Then we were headed out the door. Richard embraced me gently, being as careful as possible considering my condition, I hugged him back and kissed his cheek. “Bye, Richie. I will miss you. Please keep in touch, and don’t tell anyone,” I whispered in his ear.
“Okay, luv. I promise. I’ll miss you too. Ring me once in a while, you know the number,” Richard whispered back.
John and I walked back to the car. He kept looking at me. I could tell he was bewildered and suspicious. “Charlie, what are you hiding? Just tell me. Poor Rings was scared to hug you, and what was that whispering about, and Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell did you eat when you went into the kitchen?” John questioned.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I am just not ready to tell anyone yet, but I promise I will tell you when the time is right,” I sighed. “... If it ever is.”
“You can tell me anything. God Damn it, I love you!” He shouted, “I can’t stand it when you keep things from me. I feel like I’m in the dark, and that you don’t trust me.” He let out a deep, shaky, awkward breath. He took my hand in his and grasped it. The drive didn’t take that long, and we were soon back in the gates of Kenwood.
We walked into the house, and headed towards the sunroom. I lied down on the couch, to relax, while he lounged in his favorite chair, with a book in hand. I closed my eyes, and began to fall asleep, when I felt him lift me into his arms and carry me up the stairs. He must have thought I was off in dreamland, because as he laid me down in bed he was speaking his thoughts.
“What could you possibly be hiding, and why? Why don’t you trust me? Are you sick and don’t want me to worry. Oh, Love I would die for you. Just tell me what is wrong. I would do anything to help you,” He sighed and I felt his hand stroking my hair. I moaned, and opened my eyes.
“John, somethings you just have to fight alone. I do trust you, but you have to trust me, to do what is necessary. Can you please promise me one thing?” I timidly asked.
“I could promise you the world and more,” He kissed my forehead.
“Promise that you will never hate me no matter what happens, to you or to me,” I lifted my hand and stroked his stubbled cheek. He moved his face and kissed my hand.
“I would never hate you, love. You are everything good in my life. Fuck the fame, all I want is you!” John proclaimed, and then bent down and kissed me. The kiss was warm, and tender; heated, and passionate. I felt everything he felt at that very moment. I wanted to give in completely to that opportunity, and tell him everything, but I didn’t want his pity. I had to much pride to give into pity, and I knew that if he proposed no matter what the circumstances I would accept. I was crazy with my love for him, and I knew I could and would endure anything and everything to keep from hurting him.
His kisses became more frantic, and laced with hunger; a need. I tugged at his shirt and he soon had it off. He had already managed to unbutton my blouse, and was pushing it down my arms. After a few moments we were both undressed, and exploring each other. He was always gentle, and yet savage during our love making. I knew I would miss John terribly, but that couldn’t be helped, after all I was leaving for his own good. I drifted off to sleep lying, satisfied, in his loving arms.
I awoke the next morning to find John staring down at me, with a strange warm glow about him. I leaned over and kissed him. He stroked my thigh, and our kiss deepened. He pulled the sheet back just a little bit, and was gazing at me with a strange curiosity. I was lying on my back slightly turned facing him. He then rested his hand on the pit of my stomach, he was so gentle, it was almost as if he knew there was a life growing inside of me.
“Love, I don’t know what it is, but it appears as though you are glowing,” He whispered, and ever so lightly pushed my hair back, and out of my face. I smiled, and moved closer to him. He leaned down and buried his face in my neck. I felt his lips trail down my throat. He then lifted his head and kissed me, my lips were sensitive with the longing of his kiss. I pulled back and gazed into his eyes.
“I love you, no matter what I love you,” I sighed.
We eventually got out of bed, and into the shower. The day went by nice and easy, like that entire week. George called Wednesday, and told me that the arrangements had been made, and I would be leaving that Saturday. Richard managed to keep John occupied Saturday, and my excuse for the day was to go shopping with Maureen and Patti. After John left, I called George to come and take me to the airport. As I waited for George I wrote a note to John.
John,
Somethings you just have to face alone, now I have something that I must face alone. I know this will come as a shock to you, and hopefully you can get over it, actually I know you will. Hopefully some day you can forgive me for this, and maybe even look back and laugh. Just remember I will always love you, but I have to go, for your sake, I have to go. You just aren’t ready to face what I have to face right now, so I will only ask that you not hate me, and please try and understand, you did nothing wrong love.
Charlie
P.S. I love you so much, and I will miss you...
I began to cry, and tears stained the note. I left it there on the table, and then George walked in. I got my luggage together and he helped me carry it out to the car. Before I left I wanted to see Paul, so George drove me there first. When we got through the gate, I began to feel a little nervous, but I managed to knock on the door, and Paul answered. He blushed when he saw me, and asked me in. He noticed George in the car, and looked at me puzzled.
“Paul, I can’t come in. I have to go somewhere, for awhile, and I want to say goodbye. Maybe you were right about me. I know I shouldn’t even be asking you this, but could you just promise to look after John. He might need someone, to be there for him. Please Paul, he does trust you, please...” I pleaded and tears came to my eyes.
“You’re leaving him aren’t you?” Paul spat at me. “Who the hell do you think you are? Do you just think you can play with people, and then just leave them at the drop of a hat?” “Damn you! Just get over it. I really do love John, it’s just I have to leave. This is already hard on me. Maybe I do deserve that, but you don’t know everything, and you don’t know why I am leaving!” I yelled and then ran to the car. I looked back as George took off, and I saw Paul, disgust and confusion were evident in his face, but then his expression changed and he became unreadable. I turned back around and held my head in defeat.
George put his hand on my trembling shoulder and said, “You didn’t have to take that from him. I could have stopped him...”
I looked up, the tears streaming down my face, and replied, “No, George. I deserved that. I mean I’m leaving John, because I’m afraid of tying him down, and holding him back. I am running from my problems again.”
The rest of the drive was in silence. We finally reached the airport, and George helped me get luggage sorted. We had about a half an hour before the plane took off, so we stopped and ate at some horrible little airport restaurant. The time finally came when I had to board my plane. George embraced me at the terminal.
“Now you ring me, as soon as you get to that apartment, and give me your phone number. Call me anytime day or night. I’ll miss you Charlie. Now remember, if you ever need help just call. I’ll be there I swear it,” He whispered as we embraced one last time.
“I will keep in touch. Now I have to go. Goodbye George, and hurry I think the flight attendant has recognized you, I’ll be fine,” I said, my voice cracked. He waved one last time, and then I boarded the plane.