Days turn to weeks, which in turn go on to months. That was how things were with Stu and me. We’d been together ever since early fall of 1959. It was now the early summer of 1960, and we were still happy. Some things had changed though. Stu took my advice and entered some of his paintings into a competition and managed to sell one for £ 62. I was thrilled that he’d done something that was considered nearly impossible for any ‘beginning’ artist. John had managed to talk him into buying a bass and joining the band. I knew that was a mistake from the very first. John was great with music, but I knew deep down that Stu was better off painting. John ended up winning out though.
Stu was learning to play bass, but he wasn’t very good. Paul was always complaining about how awful he was and he always snapped at Stu when he messed up. I hated going to their practices, because they almost always ended with a heated argument between Paul, Stu, and John. Stu always came home frustrated after practice, especially whenever the fights were really bad, and Paul was just so mean to him.
Another bit of news to add. I’d moved into Stu’s flat a couple of weeks after we’d gotten together, much to the disappointment of my mother. My mum took it well enough though, because she absolutely adored Stu, and she knew how much I loved him. John should have moved in with us considering how often he stayed around. Him and Mimi were on the outs as usual so he generally wanted to keep away from her as much as possible. He’d finally gotten to Cyn, who was now madly in love with him. She’d broken off a perfectly good engagement to a nice proper man to be with none other than Lennon, much to my amazement.
Everything was going great, even though I’d been sick a lot. Stu came home late on that Friday night in June, full of stress from another argument, and exciting news. I didn’t know about the exciting news until later though.
The door slammed hard behind him as he stormed into the room. I could tell it had been another hard day at practice. John followed behind with the same anger evident on his face and in his stride. I looked upward and sighed. Just what I needed after being sick all day. Two guys in shitty moods to completely ruin my plans of relaxation. Stu threw himself on the couch, where he landed comfortably on his stomach. John plopped down in one of our worn but comfortable chairs. I went to see if Stu needed anything. He looked so tense. I sat on the edge of the couch and began to massage his shoulders. He began to loosen up and let out a nice deep breath. I leaned down and kissed him. I looked up to see John watching us intently.
“Blakey, am I next on your list?” He said suggestively.
“In your dreams!” I snapped.
“How’d ya know?” He grinned.
“Ahh John, lay off mate. She’s already been saucy enough lately without you larking her on,” Stu groaned in between my massaging.
“Been a bit bitchy lately have ye Blake? I thought you loved Stu,” John said with a playful frown on his face which quickly turned into a grin.
“Oh you want a bloody thumping don’t you, ye fucking bastard. I’d send ye to hell if we weren’t already stuck here. Oh you make me want to knock your bloody head off!” I growled.
Just as I was about to go over to Lennon and give him his just reward Stu sat up and wrapped his arms around me. I looked up and kissed him and he returned the favor. We were sitting there on the couch snogging away like a couple of teenagers making out. I snuck a glance at John who was looking pretty disgusted, and then something changed and my stomach began to toss and churn. I ran to the loo in record timing. Stu and John were right behind me as I knelt before the toilet and began retching.
John gathered my hair and held it behind me so that it wouldn’t end up in the toilet, while Stu got a cold wash cloth to help clean me up. When I finally regained control of my stomach I slouched against the toilet and felt two arms encircle me and I leaned back into the arms. I didn’t realize I was leaning into John until Stu began to clean me up with the washcloth. As I was leaning back into John I felt him growing quite a throbber. I grabbed Stu’s arm and he helped me up and guided me into the bedroom. After a few minutes John joined Stu and me in the bedroom. I looked at him to make sure he was decent.
John shrugged my concerned expression off, and acted as though nothing happened. I fought so hard against blushing. Stu looked down at me, his face open with concern for me. I weakly lifted my hand and lightly stroked his cheek. He turned his head to kiss my palm. John watched on, and there was something in his face that was unreadable.
“You should see the doctor love. You’ve been so sick recently and I hate it when you’re sick. Come on. I know how you are about doctors, but you need to be well again,” Stu sighed.
“Oh little Blakey still scared of the docs?” John snickered.
“You’re a fine one to talk. Last time you went to the doc, Mimi had to drag you tooth and nail of the way!” I laughed.
“That doctor was soft in the head. Reminded me a lot of you, and any doctor like you is scary as hell!” John replied smartly.
I gave him the finger and John and Stu laughed. I grimaced and then ran back to the bathroom, as I began to retch again. John and Stu followed only this time I felt too weak to walk back to the bedroom. Stu took me in his arms and carried me back to our bedroom. He kissed me as he laid me down on the mattress and pulled the covers up around me.
Stu offered to make something for me to eat and I groaned miserably. Stu still couldn’t cook worth a damn. John offered to stay behind in the room, and he didn’t take no for an answer. Stu left the bedroom leaving John and me alone. John took the wooden chair from the corner, pulled it up close to the bed and sat down. He took my hand and I tried to snatch it from him, but he had it in a good grip.
“Why are you fighting me? Blake, we use to be best mates. What happened to that?” John asked.
“You fucking happened. You never know when to stop. Christ John, sometimes your sick humor and horrible jokes are good, but you’re always taking it too bloody far. I’m tired of it. After Stu and I got together something happened between you and me. I want your friendship back,” I sighed.
“You fucking ignored me once you found your little Stuart. So I gave up on you and then me and Stu became mates,” He answered quietly, his voice laced in guilt.
“You think that makes a difference. We lost a friendship so you could become best mates with my boyfriend! Do you enjoy you me like this you selfish fucking wanker!” I yelled and then threw a pillow at him. It landed on the floor and he picked it up and gave it back to me.
“Yeah I love seeing you look like you’re about to die. I figured this would be how it was, you’re sick and you still manage to want to kick me arse!” John said and then continued smugly, “But you can’t get out of bed and you certainly can’t get to me arse.”
“You think I give a shit about kicking your bloody arse. I’ve already gotten to you. You and that fucking hard on you tried to hide. You sick fucking prick! You just want a quick fuck. That’s why you’re here. You don’t give a damn about me or your friend in the kitchen, or the way I feel. You’re a sick twisted wanker and I want you the hell out now! I can’t even picture you anymore. You use to care, but ever since yer mum died you’ve been a right bastard, and you’re getting worse day by day! Now get the fuck out!” I yelled.
“Fine!” was his yelled reply, “See if I give a bloody fuck about you anymore! By the way just thought I’d let you know that your little boyfriend is going to be going to Hamburg, Germany because we got a long gig there! We’ll be in the worst part of Hamburg too, where all the strip clubs and whores are on the streets. I’ll be sure to get Stu some entertainment nightly so he’ll forget your bitchy arse!”
“Go to hell and get the fuck out!” I screamed.
As he was leaving I heard John shout to Stu, “Hey mate I think she’s better! She has her usual saucy bitchiness back!”
I could just picture Stu struggling with trying to cook, shaking his head, and looking heavenward for advice. When I heard the door slam I knew I’d lost any ties of friendship I had left with that bastard Lennon. I sighed and was nearly in tears. Stu came to the door to check and see that I was all right, it was painfully obvious that he’d heard me screeching at Lennon. I fought hard to keep the tears back and I managed. Stu came over and took me in his arms.
“Ahh, love, I didn’t know he was going to start a fight with you while you were sick. Can you forgive me?” He whispered in my ear.
“It isn’t your fault Lennon is a sick bastard who likes to kick people when they’re down. Besides telling him off has made me feel a bit better, now let me go have a look at that slop you have on the stove,” I groaned as I got out of bed and staggered unsteadily to the kitchen.
“Damn it you’re sick. Can’t you let me take care of you for once? Christ Blake, you’ll kill yerself before it’s all over if ye keep going at this pace!” Stu chided. I grimaced and turned long enough to give him the finger, before I collapsed into unconsciousness.
I woke up in a sterile hospital bed with Stu and John standing over me. John saw me waking up and a wide grin was soon jeering down at me from his puss. Stu looked like he’d just been given a second chance at breathing. They both took one of my hands and nearly shook me bloody arms off.
“Hey, lay off, I need me arms ya know!” I snapped groggily and then continued, “Where the hell am I and what the fuck am I doing here?”
“Ah, look she sounds better already. Told you the sisters could take care of her Stu!” John cooed teasingly.
I was about to give Lennon a piece of my mind when Stu cut in at the nick of time, “You fainted out cold and hit your head on a wooden chair in the flat. I couldn’t wake you and John came back up to continue giving you a piece of his mind, but when he saw you on the floor out and me trying to wake you up, he thought you were dead. He picked you up and carted your ass all the way here to Sefton Hospital. You’ve been out for a couple of days. The doctors ran some tests on you, but they won’t tell me anything. Your mum doesn’t know you’re here, because I thought you wouldn’t want to worry her.”
“Thanks Lennon,” I muttered and then continued to Stu, “I’m sorry if I scared the hell out of you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been so sick and this just takes the bloody cake. Thanks for not getting me mum involved, she’d treat me like a bloody cripple or even worse a fucking invalid.”
Lennon smirked at that and then asked Stuart if he could have a moment alone with me. A bad feeling worked its way into my stomach as Stu left the room. I looked at John grimly and expecting the worse, but his face was full of fear, and something almost innocent and childlike. His hand lightly stroked my cheek and he sighed.
“You know I was coming up there so you could apologize to me after so rudely telling me off. I thought you were really willing to can me as yer best mate. Then you go and pull a stunt like that. Falling down and knocking that hard head of yours and looking dead. I thought I’d really lost me best mate then, and before she had a chance to apologize to me for being such a bitch. It wouldn’t have been right!” John sounded indignant.
“Me apologize to You! You bloody fucking pig wanker! Are you daft? You were the one fucking up, not me!” My voice rose indignantly.
“So I fucked up! I’m sorry. You know I don’t apologize that often, so don’t expect that again! Are you fucking happy? If I were to jump in the Mersey because you didn’t wanna be me friend anymore what would you do then?” He asked curiously.
“I’d say have fun doing the bloody breast stroke!” I replied hotly.
“You’re only saying that to flatter me. I bet you’d miss me!” He puckered his lips and batted his lashes like some daft love bird.
I smacked him playfully and we were soon laughing afterward. Stu came back in awhile later and thought we were both soft in the head. He told us from all the commotion he heard he thought we were killing each other, and he walks in to see John rolling on the floor and me with tears in me eyes from laughing so hard! Lennon always was one for a laugh.
“So back to your old selves are ya?” Stu grinned.
“Not really, she still isn’t bitchy enough,” John gasped between each fit of giggles.
I pouted playfully at his answer and threw a pillow his way but he ducked and the pillow struck the doctor that was now entering my room. I blushed John laughed some more, and then regained his senses.
The doctor asked to have a minute alone with me and John and Stu both stiffened in anticipation. I nodded and they headed out of the room. The doctor looked down at me and then to the door where John and Stu had just left. I didn’t know what to expect, the doctor looked so neutral. My fear rose in my throat as the doctor cleared his throat.
“Ms. Jordan, I’m here to inform you that you are currently six weeks pregnant. Congratulations, forms for your release will be at the front desk later in the afternoon,” He spoke impassively and then headed out the door leaving me in their with my mouth hanging open.
As the doctor left John came into the room and noticed the shock on my face at once.
“What’s the bad news? You preggers or something?” He asked.
“Yeah,” I croaked and the tears flooded my eyes.
John sat down on the bed and held me in his arms and I cried and sobbed. He whispered comforting babble in my ears and patted my back while I let everything out. I clutched to him like he was my only hold on life. The only thing left that was real that I could hold onto. He was what kept me from snapping.
“Blake, what’re ye gonna do? You have to tell Stu. How far along are ye?” John asked.
“About eight weeks. Wait a minute, where is Stu?” I asked as I took in a deep gulp of air.
“Oh he went over to Paul’s to get some help on a few songs.”
“They’re gonna kill each other,” I sighed.
“Naw, Paul offered to, when he heard what happened to you. He felt bad for putting Stu down so much and wanted to help him a bit. He swore he’d go easy on him. Besides he knows you’ll thump him if he gets to Stu anymore. I think he still remembers how you nearly threw him off that double decker!” John joked.
I grinned and knew Stu would be alright. Then my thoughts returned to my current position. Thoughts of what I was going to do ran through my head. I wanted to keep the baby if I could, but I definitely couldn’t tie Stu down with this. John looked at me with those light brown, near sighted, penetrating eyes of his.
“What are ye thinking, luv?”
“I can’t keep the baby. I don’t want to tie Stu down, and my mum would probably throw a fit to know that I’m preggers,” I sighed wearily.
“I could break the news to them if you wanted,” John offered.
Fear rose in my throat as I thought of everyone’s reactions and suddenly my mind was made up, “No, John, you have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone. If you tell Stu he won’t go to Hamburg with you, and if you told my mum, she’d tell Stu. Just keep it under your hat, until you get back from Hamburg, and then I’ll tell him.”
“Christ, by then, you may already have had the baby.”
“I don’t care, that’ll be a chance I have to take, if I decide to keep the baby,” I snapped.
“You should tell Stu before doing anything rash,” John whispered and then kissed my cheek.
I pushed him away and then said, “I don’t want to tie him down to working at the docks or in some factory. He was meant for painting. Don’t question me Lennon, because I can still thump you. Now promise me you won’t tell anyone!”
“You have me word of honor, captain!” John saluted smartly.
I couldn’t help laughing, and I knew I could trust Lennon’s word, even though it wasn’t as honorable as I was willing to believe! We talked and laughed some more until a sister came by and gave me my release papers. I signed some forms and damn if they didn’t roll me out of there like a fucking cripple. John laughed all the way to the entrance and exit of the hospital and then walked me home to Grambier Terrace, which was quite a walk from the hospital, but I didn’t mind, because it was one of those unusual glorious days in Liverpool.
Once I got home, I began to fix something to eat, because John was going to get Stu from Paul’s and John was also going to be staying for dinner. I made enough mashed potatoes, made with Paul’s Auntie Jin’s secret recipe, for a small army, and then I made some custard, based on a few pointers from Paul’s dad, Jim. Paul had some marvelous cooks in the family, and I always loved dinner at Paul’s. So did Stu and John, whenever they were invited, of course John extended his own invitations to dinner as usual.
I began to dread dinner as I thought of John probably dropping hints to Stu, but I couldn’t uninvite John to dinner, after all, he’d been there for me at the hospital when I’d found out. If anything he’d probably make comments about me gaining weight. Oh if he did I’d knock his bloody teeth down his throat. I grinned at that thought, and went about preparing the food again.
I was putting everything out on the table when John arrived with Stu in tow. Stu was grimacing and John was carrying Stu’s bass. I took one look at Stu’s hands and saw the blood running down his fingers. I took him from John and into the lavatory with a quick shout over my shoulder, “Lennon you just think about touching that food and I’ll kick your arse!”
John grinned back mischievously, but I had my full attention on Stu as John mouthed off. I turned on the cold water and Stu put his hands under the sink’s faucet. He grimaced a little as the cooling water soothed his bleeding finger tips.
“Christ Stu, I knew you wanted to get better, but this is taking it a bit far. Your hands are bleeding, and I know they must hurt. Tone it down a bit, luv. You still want to paint don’t you?” I chided.
He grinned a moment and then clutched at his head. Another headache. He was getting them, more and more frequently, but he always tried to hide it from me. I sighed and called out to John to bring in some aspirin. John knocked on the door. I opened it, snatched the pills from his outstretched hand and slammed the door in his nosy face. I handed Stu the pills and he took them eagerly, put on a brave face, and then we joined John in the kitchen. He’d gone ahead and fixed everyone a nice plate. He grinned cheekily at me and I sent the finger his way.
“I’m sure that happens in your dreams love,” was his even cheekier reply.
I let out an indignant snort as we all sat down to eat, and stuffed our faces. John kept loading my plate up until I thought I’d burst. Until I finally snapped, “Christ John, want to turn me into a fucking blimp?”
“Might be a little late for that, aren’t you gaining weight love?” He smiled sweetly.
My bright eyes snapped in anger and I was about to get up and take care of Lennon when Stu stepped in and said, “I don’t see where you’ve gained weight, besides I’d still love you no matter what.”
“Even if she were an elephant?” John added his two cents worth.
By then I was grinding my teeth to keep from snapping at him. Stu just looked at John in confusion and blushed, but nodded to satisfy me. I was growling under my breath and John was snickering. I wanted to punch his face in so bad, that my fist was aching because I was clenching it so tightly. John didn’t give a damn though. He was too busy trying to keep from laughing.
Lennon had me on pins and needles the rest of the night until thankfully he left. I was so relieved when he left that I just flopped down on the couch and let out a deep breath that I’d probably been holding the entire night. Stu was watching me closely. Obviously wondering what had happened and why I was so jumpy.
“Why’d they let you out of the hospital? Did they figure out what was wrong with you?” He asked once I’d settled down.
“Oh that, well, the doctor said it was some kind of illness. He’s probably been getting that a lot lately. Nothing to really worry about. It comes and goes sometimes, but I’ll be completely better in a few weeks,” I sighed.
“Good because I’d hate to go to Hamburg with you back here and sick!” He said and then began to tickle me like mad.
We ended up on the floor laughing and he was on top straddling me. He bent down to kiss me, but stopped for a moment to look in my eyes. I leaned up kissed him and soon he responded. After a few heated moments on the floor he picked me up and carried me to our bedroom, where we made love until we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
When I awoke the next morning it was to the sunlight streaming in the window and the bed was empty beside me. I didn’t hear Stu playing his bass so there were only two more places that he could be. I checked the loo first and when he wasn’t there I went to his studio. There he was busy working on something new. The main color that dominated the canvas was red. I looked at it, and saw so much of the man that I’d grown to love in the work being put on the canvas. Stu took a drag of his ciggie and then put it back in the ashtray on the floor.
He picked up a brush and swished it around on his palette getting some paint on it and then he was adding some strokes of black to the masterpiece that he was working on. Then he stiffened and turned around. I blushed as he saw me wrapped in the bed sheet.
“Ahh come now love, I’ve seen more of you than that,” He said while putting the palette down and taking the last drag from his ciggie before putting it out.
I soon found myself in his arms and I was kissing him, not caring about how bad his breath was. He had some paint on his face and I grinned. He looked so handsome dressed in a tight pair of jeans and a white shirt with paint splattered all over him. I was hugging him and coincidently the paint on him also got on me and the sheet. He grinned at me, picked me up, and carried me to the loo. Once we were in there I dropped the sheet and he quickly undressed. His soft touches and caresses lit small fires of passion throughout my body as we got into the shower together.
When we were both clean and satisfied we got out of the shower and streaked to the bedroom where we got dressed. When we got to the bedroom we heard the laughter. Someone had been in the flat while we streaked to our room. I was the first one dressed and as I walked out of our room I noticed John and Paul sitting on the couch laughing away. Actually Paul was on the couch, John was on the floor in hysterics. I was blushing like mad as Stu came out to see what was going on.
“How’d you get in here?” I snapped at John.
“Stu gave me a spare key,” He gasped.
I turned to Stu, anger filled my gaze. He shrank back and stepped out of my way as I stormed back into the bedroom. More laughter could be heard from outside the bedroom as I began to count to ten and then ended up throwing everything off of the dresser in a fit of rage. When I stormed out of the bedroom again I charged straight for Lennon and hit him right in the left eye with my right hook.
He was out for a while after that. Stu got some ice for my hand and Paul kept laughing, because I knocked John flat. When Lennon finally came around he was a bit dazed, then noticed that he could hardly open his left eye, and figured out what happened.
He moaned and grumbled as he got up and then snapped, “Why didn’t you deck Stu? He was the one that gave me the fucking key!”
That comment got everyone laughing again as I answered, “Stu is allowed to see me at all hours of the day and night in whatever condition I may be in. You on the other hand have been trying to find a way to see what my knickers kept hidden for a long time! Not to mention you brought your fucking shadow with you,” I finished as I pointed at Paul.
“Hey now I object!” Paul said.
“This isn’t a fucking court!” I snapped and we were all in hysterics again.
“I think you’re better now. You have your bitchy edge back!” John groaned as he gingerly touched his eye.
“I told you I could still deck ye!” I said victoriously.
We talked for a while, and John said he brought Paul along because everyone was worried about me. He said that Hari, a nick name we had for George, would have come along, but he was still eating breaky last time they checked. Breaky indeed, it was nearly one o’!
This was how it went all through July. I was happy for Stu and the guys because they’d gotten such a great opportunity in Hamburg to play the clubs. In August I stood by at the docks as a small dingy boat took my best mate, and the love of my life to Germany. I knew it would probably be awhile before I ever saw either of them again. On the way back to my flat I stopped by my mother’s and we had a nice chat, then I went home to pack and leave for London. I had to be gone by the time Stu got back, because I’d be damned if I tied him down in a marriage and family life that he just wasn’t ready for right now.
Tears of regret filled my eyes as I filled my suitcase with clothes. This was it I was really leaving behind everything I’d grown to know and love. I went to the studio and looked at the glorious paintings, the ones that were finished and the ones that would be finished in due time. I felt more tears coming to my eyes as I gazed at my favorite painting, Stu’s self portrait. I knew it was time to leave. I gathered my packed suitcases and headed toward the train station. This was it. I was headed towards a new life in London.