No one would have ever known, if only things had been different. I never knew life could be based on one mistake after another. That was my lesson that was endless in my lifetime. Everything changed around me as I fell. So many things ripped me apart, and I am still searching for the pieces still missing. Pain has never been a stranger to me, in fact I welcome it now. Pain is my new companion, and maybe it is well deserved. I never thought that my life would turn out to be hell. When you are young, naive, and foolish you never think about your future turning out to be painful. Hell, really you don’t have time to think, all you do is feel. When you are innocent you just can’t think, you just love, and fall.

I can’t be sure when my life took a turn for the worst. Sometimes I find myself wanting to go back and change certain things from my past, but that isn’t possible, and some things I just wouldn’t have the heart to change any road. I know that some people are reading this right now and thinking that I just feel sorry for myself. In a way that I suppose that is true, but I don’t want pity. I caused my own problems, but I also hurt so many others. I wish I could just go back, and find a way out of hurting those that were close to me, beginning with the loves of my life. Through the years I have been running and trying to hide from my troubles, but I just can’t keep that up forever…

This is my one and only release. I swore that I would never come to this level, and do something like this, but everything I have done is tearing me up inside, so I have to let it out. This is the key to my freedom, to get away from the trap that I created for myself. I know that I will still feel the pain even after I finish my tale, but at least I won’t be haunted anymore. So many things have happened, but I never had to face them, until he came into my life. It’s always love that makes you face your own horrors. Now I must dig up the dead and buried. I can’t change the things I have done, but the least I can do is face them, and have hope, that the men I hurt and still love, can find peace, and possibly even find it in their souls to forgive me. I doubt that I deserve to be forgiven for everything, but it would give me some relief from one of many regrets…