I would like to thank everyone who is still reading this story! Originally, when I started to write Aftermath, I had planned it to only be about 15 parts, but once I got writing, I just kept on going! LOL.
Please don't give up. Now that Michelle is back in Springfield, things will start to get interesting. So, hang on, the story is about to take a little turn! Bad or good, you will just to have to read on, and find out :-)
Four months have passed.
There are places I'll remember
The day could not have been more perfect. The sun was out and shining brightly, and the birds were chirping. It was a lovely day.
A perfect day to greet me as I walked out of here. After four months, I was going home. Home. The doctors had finally agreed that the treatment was working well enough that I could leave for the time being.
As I packed my things, my happiness was dampened with the knowledge that I could be back here at any moment. But these four months have taught me one thing: perseverance. I was being given the opportunity to return home and feel like my old self again.
I just wanted to be in my old room, surrounded by those thropies and awards. Maybe all those ribbons and plagues could reinstall that belief in myself. School was on the backburner now. Rick had tried to make the blow softer for me but saying that I could go back to school in a year or two.
My dream of being a doctor was not going to fit into my new life. It would be impossible to expect that I would be able to endure the competitiveness of medical school. All my energy was focused on keeping my spirits up and making it through each day.
Plus, I could not think that far ahead. For awhile, I had planned my whole life out. I had it all planned. I would go to college, and then medical school, then practice at Cedars, and then get married. My life would be so uncomplicated. There had been no other path for me to take. That was my future.
It was a future that I had wanted. It was the future that would make me happy. Or that is what I thought until I met Danny. Danny had turned my life upside down. He had forced me to question everything that I had known.
Now, I am glad that Danny taught me to stop planning my life. He showed me the joy of life just by living it day by day. Also, after being around Danny, I had learned to appreciate the little things in life. He made me more aware of myself and the world around me.
I wish that I could tell him that. I just wish that one day I could sit down with him, and thank him for helping me. Maybe one day, Danny could forgive me. Maybe.
I really have made an effort to forgive myself. It is not easy, but I am slowly learning to. What is that old saying? You learn from your mistakes.
I have learned. My life will never be the same. Still, I have to accept the mistakes and pick up the pieces, and move on. With this new awareness of myself, I should be able to avoid all those stupid things that I had did. Just maybe I can find some happiness.
But right now, I am going home.
I was returning to all my family and friends.
They have all changed and so have I. I just hope that they can accept the new me.
* Though I know I'll never lose affection
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
--Beatles, "In My Life"
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more*
Two more weeks have passed
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, it's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
--Christina Aguilera, "Reflections"
The warm water beating down on my head feels good. I needed to clear my head. These past two weeks had been nice but strangely uncomfortable.
I had no idea what to expect when I had gotten home. Most people had been aware of my condition, so I knew that they didn’t have to be informed of my ‘situation.’
Also, there were no questions or mentions of Danny. I was glad of that. My marriage to Danny Santos had really rocked this town. I was the ‘good’ Bauer who married into a mob family. My ‘type’ was not supposed to do something like that.
Still, everywhere I went, there was this awkwardness surrounding me. People just didn’t know how to act around me. It was like they were treating like I was made out of glass. It was evident that my ‘condition’ was the first thought when they saw me.
It was annoying. I hated being treated with kid gloves. I didn’t want people to pity me or feel different around me. I was still Michelle. So, it was hard to go out and not come home, crushed at their reactions.
It took a little while for me to get used to their behavior, and it took them so time to get used to me. After awhile, I noticed that people started to feel more comfortable around me, and started to treat me like I was the old Michelle.
The hardest thing about coming home was getting all my friends involved in my illness. They had immediately taken their place by my side, and decided to help take care of me. It was so hard for them to go though the emotions with me. They soon found themselves faced with the harsh reality of my illness.
It's funny. I am not even sure how to characterize this. I just couldn’t find the right label to place on it. In many ways, it had become easier to say those words outloud without trying to put a soft feel to it. There was no way to sugarcoat 'I might be going blind.' They were a bit harsh and biting. As the days passed, the pain associated with that acknowledgement had not lessened. Those words still stung. It was the way in which I dealt with it was the difference now. And the way, those around me chose to deal with it. They had to deal with my pain and agony, and my happiness, and optimism. They saw the bad days and the good days. On my bad days, I hated having someone try to help me. In Chicago, I had learned to get through those days on my own. So, it was hard to let someone else in. I didn’t want to expose my friends to my life now.
It was not pretty. Yet, they stuck by me, and put up with my moods and the endless days when I was too sick to get out of bed. I admired them even more for being willing to put aside their own feelings and help me.
They were the reason that I had managed to keep fighting. Their strengthen and determination had become my lifeline. I was still here because of them.
And I was going to hang on for dear life.
I would never take my friends and family for granted ever again.
They believed in me and it was time to show them that I believed in myself.
*There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside? *