Don’t try to call
There are some bridges that burn
Beyond recognition beyond repair
Don’t say you’ve changed
There are some forces that turn
Beyond recollection beyond my stare
When I feel cold in the dark
I know you’re there
----Melissa Etheridge, “Ruins”
Danny.
Blinking my eyes, I try to speak but nothing comes out. I stare at him dumbly. My heart is pounding a mile a minute and my palms feel sweaty.
Without saying anything, Danny brushes past me. Stupidly, I close the door, and on my shaking knees, I join him at the kitchen table.
Sitting down, I can't meet his eyes. It is bad enough to feel his gaze on me. I have no idea what I can say to him. There is nothing left for me to say.
Begging and pleading won't help me. Nothing but Danny could help me now. I am sure that Danny was not going to be so kind with his forgiveness.
I quickly get up, and start to rummage around for a mug. Anything to avoid this conservation.
Exshaparated, Danny stuffs a mug in my hands, and closes the cabinet doors. Yanking the tea bag from my hand, he dumps into the mug, and pours the warm water into the mug.
Slowly, I lift my eyes to Danny. As soon as his eyes meet mine, my gaze drops back down to the mug. I just had to make sure that he was real, and not a figment of my imagination.
"Michelle, for God's sake, would you stop acting like you are five." Danny says annoyed
My head snaps up. My chin is locked in anger. Danny always knew how to push my buttons. "What the hell do you want, Danny?" I ask bitterly
"This is not a social call, Michelle. I just want you to know that nothing has changed from the other night. Nothing." He affirms in a cool tone.
I let out a hollow laugh. "That's good, Danny, just twist the knife alittle more. That's all I need. " I say painfully.
My eyes wander to his face. I notice the coldness in his eyes flicker for a moment. For a brief second, I can see the pain, which breaks my heart.
I take a gulp of my tea, not caring if the warm water nearly burns my throat. It actually feels nice. Anything to focus on than the cold and detached look in Danny's eyes.
Danny lets out a ragged sigh, and starts to trace the lines in the table. My eyes follow his fingers as they make a circular pattern.
Tears start to form in my eyes when I notice that Danny is not wearing his wedding ring.
The lump in my throat grows as my eyes silently trace the white line on his left finger. Just another reminder of my betrayal.
In a quiet voice, Danny begins to speak, "I want you to know that I would not come here unless it was important. And well, this is important. My grandmother, well, um, she-"
The pain in his voice causes my heart to shift painfully. I was beginning to think that I didn't have a heart anymore. "What about your grandmother?" I ask softly
"Last night, my mother called me to tell me that my grandmother was rushed to the hospital. I managed to side step any of Mama's questions about you. But now, my grandmother has been asking for you, and so we have to make an appearance. Together."
Nervously, I stand up, and silently comforting him. Hesitantly, I walk over to Danny, and lightly place my hand on his shoulder. Surprisingly, he does not pull away. Actually, he leans into me.
Sighing, Danny rubs his tired face with his hands. In a quick motion, he grabs my hand, and pulls me out to the door. I manage to get my keys before I get pulled out into the cool spring air.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
--Sarah McLachlan, “Hold On”
My nose crinkles at the smell of the antiseptic. I could never stand the smell of hospitals. As the doctors and nurses walk by, I can't help but notice their smiles.
Here at the hospital, I am always known as Michelle Bauer. Part of the respected Bauer family. It is like having a nice and clean life again.
Shifting in the hard plastic chair, I try to alleve the cramps in aching muscles. Frustrated, I jump out from the chair, and decide to walk around the hospital. I could not bear sitting in that chair any longer.
On the ride over, Danny had made it perfectly clear that I was only here to put a show on for Carmen. I felt like a hired wife. I was so furious listening to his lectures. Danny made sure that I knew my place in this situation.
Don't worry, Danny. You have made it very clear.
I am just here to buy time. I am not your wife anymore, just a hassle.
It was obvious that Danny didn't want me to be here. He could barely look at me without hate blazing in his eyes.
I could not blame for his behavior. It was my fault. Still, it hurt me. I was being treated like a child. It felt so demeaning.
The seconds and minutes passed by without any news.
Danny had been by for about two minutes to make sure that I was still here. As soon as he saw me, he slipped away again. Nice to see you too, I think.
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Pacing the floor was not helping. Grabbing my coat, I decide to take matters in my own hands. I would be damned to let Danny treat me like this. I would pretend for Carmen's sake but I was not going to let my husband ignore me.
Punching in the number, the doors to the elevator close. My mind is silently preparing myself for what is waiting for me. As the doors open, I shrug off any self-doubt, and with my head held high, I search for Danny.
Nothing.
Stay calm Michelle, I tell myself. You can't fall apart now.
You can let Carmen see you like this. It is time to stand up to her.
You need to prove that you can survive without Danny. You will be fine without Danny.
No, not anymore. Danny was like oxygen. He was the one thing sustaining me.
And now, he hates me.
As I turn the corner, I notice two doctors walk out of a room at the end of the hall. They are involved in a quiet conversation that they don't even notice me slipping past them.
Glancing in the window, a leap jumps in my throat as I notice Danny's grandmother lying on the bed.
She looks so helpless, so tired.
There is an aurora of peacefulness around her. I can feel all my worries and troubles just melt away.
I feel so loved and so comforted by her.
Holding in my tears, I nervously glance around to see if anyone is near by. Satisfied, I slowly walk into her room, and sit down by the bed. Then the broken sobs pour out of my body. The heavy weight on my shoulders seems crash down.
I mourn for what is and should have been. My life is just a mess, and I have no idea how to fix it.
But for a moment, being here at Danny's grandmother bedside, the chains and the emotions, which have been dragging my soul down seem to lighten.
A shelter from my battered heart and conscious.