Ever since, I had learned about my illness, I have been mentally preparing myself for this day. The day where I would hit rock bottom.
A day when all hope and optimism would fail me, abandon me forever, and just leave a painful awareness of the future.
There would be no more illusions, no more daydreams. Only thing that would remain would a glimpse of a bleak life.
There would be no miracles, no reprieves.
Just a conformation of my worst fears. I would find myself in a place where there was no escaping the inevitable.
Today, I think that I had finally reached that place, but still the reality of my situation never really hit me until Danny had stopped by for one of our regular chats. I had been startled and frightened by this new side of me. For the past week and a half, my spirits had been good, and I had actually felt positive about my future. It was like I was on cloud nine.
Then it all came crashing down around me. For the first time, I felt paralyzed by my fears. It was like someone had emptied my heart and soul, and left it bare. I didn’t know how to deal with this ‘new’ me. I was terrified of myself.
Every word that came out of my mouth and every thought that flashed in my mind seemed so foreign. It was like I was watching someone else. This was not me. And I had no idea what happened to me.
I was lost. My path had suddenly become obstructed, and there was no way to avoid it. I had no idea how I was anymore. And that scared me.
This was exactly what I was trying to prevent. I thought that all my positive thoughts and determination would ensure that this wouldn’t happen. Then why did I find myself at this place?
A place where bitterness and sadness had created such a morbid view of the world. There was no happiness here. There was no place of emotions like that.
I couldn’t live in such a cold and lonely world. The only way that I could ever find myself in a place like this was if my spirit was dead. I have not given up. Or have I?
I am just so confused.
“Michelle, what the hell has gotten into you? My God, it is like an alien has overtaken your body.” Danny says exphastered.
I feel like I am in alien’s body, I think to myself.
Danny and I have been arguing for over an hour now. As soon as he got here, I just snapped, and I started yelling at him. I have no idea anymore why I just went off. It was probably something stupid.
At first, Danny had really tried to control his temper, and it worked until I kept needling him. I just could not stop screaming at him. I was becoming scared of myself. I felt so out of control, and so un-Michelle like.
I was giving myself the creeps. I can only imagine what Danny must think of me right now. This little disagreement was definitely going to push him away. I was just putting nails in my own coffin. Keep going Michelle, I yell at myself, maybe you can dig to China while you are at it.
“Michelle, you aren’t even listening to me. Why am I even bothering? I have no idea what has gotten into you, just call me when the Michelle that I can actually talk to, has come back.”
With that, Danny storms out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind him. I just stare at the door, not fully comphrending what just happened.
“I don’t need you anyways, Danny. You don’t know what I need.” I scream at the door before stomping upstairs.
As I reach my room, tears begin to spill down my cheeks. The cool tears feel good against my burning cheeks. Gingerly, I sit down on the bed, trying to will away the knots in my stomach. I barely make it to my desk without falling over. Beads of sweat start to form on my forehead and my whole body starts to shake.
Damn. I can’t deal with this right now. I just needed to know that Danny was gone. He had to be gone. He couldn’t be here.
Slowly, I make into the bathroom, and slap some cold water on my face. The cool water sends shivers down my spine. I have to grip onto the edge of the sink to stop myself from falling over. Somehow, I manage to stumble back to bed, and bury myself under the covers. I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don’t even hear the door open.
“Michelle, I am sorry that..” Danny’s voice trails off when he notices my pale face, and soon he is kneeling beside me. “Christ, Michelle, what is the matter with you. Baby, are you okay?”
“No, Danny, I am not okay. You know that. I have not been okay for awhile but I am learning to live with it. Haven’t we been through this already?” I ask, frustrated and angry.
“Michelle, you need to be positive. Everything..”
“Stop, Danny.” I screech, “Don’t. Please, just don’t. I’m sick of this already, alright? I’m sick of being filled with false hope. It’s bad enough without having people cramming their good wishes and hopes down our throat. You just don’t understand.”
Danny holds up his hands in frustration. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Michelle. I’m trying to help you, and for awhile, I actually thought that you wanted my help. Now, I don’t even know who you are.”
“You never you knew who I was, Danny.” I say bitterly
“That’s not true.” he whispers fiercely. “You know that is not true.”
“Danny, I don’t know what to think anymore. God, for the last five months, I had convinced myself that just by staying positive that I would be fine. That I could make it through anything, but now, I don’t believe that anymore. Because in the end, nothing will make a difference. It is not going to change anything.”
Danny shifts his body, but he remains silent. I can feel his eyes on me, but I just can’t look at him.
“This is the life that I have been handed, and I have to deal with it. You said that you wanted to be there for me, Danny, and here you are. I told you that you shouldn’t be involved, and yet, you insisted. So, now, you have seen for yourself. Do you like what you see? Do you?” I yell through my tears. “This is my life. Welcome to hell.”
Glancing up, I am revolted by the sadness and pity in Danny’s eyes. “I don’t want your pity, Danny. You of all people should know that. It is a waste of time. Because if you are going to do it then just please, do it from a distance.”
Without saying a word, Danny leaves the room. As soon as the door shuts quietly behind him, and I can hear the slam of the kitchen door, I toss the pill bottle, from the nightstand next to my bed, across the room. The bottle hits the mirror on the back of my door, and breaks in half.
Vainly, I try to put the pill bottle back together, but my hands are trembling so hard that I have to give up. As my fingers trace the pills sprawled out on the rug, I can’t help the broken sobs coming out of my mouth.
Is this what my life has turned into?