For the first time since my mom died, I felt so at peace and loved. I had finally realized that this was where I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I wanted a life with Danny, but I knew that I had to tell him the truth. I had to tell him about the FBI. I was so terrified. I was going to hurt Danny in the worst possible way, but I wanted him to know, I wanted him to understand.
For those brief minutes, I was able to forget about my betrayal and focus on Danny. I just wanted to cling to him forever, wrapped in his warm embrace, secure in knowing that he loved me, and would stick by me even if I was going blind again.
But I was not going blind again. It is so ironic that as I was pretending to be blind, I was finally able to see clearly, and realize what I really wanted. I had been blind. I just didn’t know that. Danny was so loving and tender. He treated me like I was made of glass, but I wanted to his arms around me, crushing me.
Danny’s determination and passion moved me so much, that I felt my heart breaking when I told him that I was not going blind. I had never been more ashamed of myself. Then the cold mask, that I feared so much, fell on his face.
Suddenly, in seconds, Danny became detached and cold, and it was all my fault. My body seemed so cold. I needed the warmth and comfort of Danny’s embrace. As Danny’s cold stare burned holes into my soul, I was beginning to wish that I was really going blind, because then I would know that he would still love me. But now, I was not sure. How could I expect Danny to ever forgive me for this? I hurt him so badly.
If you could see me now
I've been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for the freedom of my chains
Lying in your loving arms again
If you could hear me now
Singing somewhere through the lonely nights
Dreaming of the arms that held me tight
If you could only hear me now
I didn’t get to tell Danny how I felt about him. I can still hear his bitter voice. “And don’t tell me that you did this out of your great love for me.” I do love you, Danny. But now, you will never believe me, and instead, you will just throw my betrayal in my face. If you only knew how ashamed I am of my behavior, that I can’t even lookat myself in the mirror.
Right now, I am afraid of what Danny might do to himself. I know that he takes betrayal so hard especially since he had so much trust in me. I have not forgotten all the times that Danny went up against his mother, and tried to shield me from Carmen’s hatred, he always defended me even when I was so mean to him.
I am sure that Carmen will be gloating and throwing his wonderful wife’s betrayal in his face. Carmen will be thrilled that I lived up to her expectations. I was able to betray her son and make a fool out of him.
That was never my intention. It was always Carmen. She was the one that I wanted in jail, and I could take Carmen hating me for my whole life, but I can’t stand the idea of Danny hating me forever. It is too painful for me to think about. I never thought that I would care so much about Danny’s feelings towards me. But I care more than I like to admit.
My heart feels so heavy, the pain just pierces my soul. It helped talking to Aunt Meta, I feel alittle better, but I have to restrain myself from bolting out of the door, and go look for Danny. I want to find him, and hold him tight, and say I am sorry.
I am so sorry, Danny. I need to know that this pain in my heart will go away, and that I will be alright. I feel so lost without Danny. I just need to feel Danny’s loving arms around me again.
I've been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for the freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again
I've been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for the freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again
I can almost feel your loving arms again
“Loving Arms” written by Tom Jans. Performed by the Dixie Chicks. The song is from their album, “Wide Open Spaces.”
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