FastCounter by bCentral
Timeline: This story takes place 4 years after “The Apology”
Disclaimer: Dan and Natalie are not mine. They were owned by Aaron Sorkin. Well, actually, I took them to England with me, and they are now living here.
Song: This is one of my favorite songs. It is “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan, and it can be found on the Brothers McMullen Soundtrack or Mirrorball
Final Note: I have also used Dan’s speech from “The Apology.” I have included the whole speech, and it is broken up, and parts have been rearranged
Dedication: To my mom who introduced me to Sports Night. The Apology was the first episode of Sports Night that I had even seen, and I am so glad that she convinced me to watch it.
Please send me feedback! I would love to your praise or criticism. Drop me a line
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Pulling his coat tightly around him, Dan shivered as the wind hollered around him. His stride slowed considerably as his destination came into view. Sighing, he blinked back the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. Absently fingering the foil around the pot, Dan felt the familiar tug at his heart.
Never fail around this season, his mood would always crumble, and the whole beauty of the fall season seemed so bleak and ugly to him. There was no beauty to the fall. It would always represent pain and guilt. Never happiness.
Choking back sobs, Dan carefully placed the pot on the cold ground. The small purple plant seemed so out of place against the large and cold tombstone. A small smile began to touch his lips, as he remembered Natalie handing it to him, making him promise that he would take it. At first, Dan had protested, saying that she didn’t need to do it, but the look in her eye had silenced him. There was no use in arguing with Natalie.
Every year since his revelation on air, she took it upon herself to take care of him, and to offer him support. Yet, it was only her words and looks that comforted his heavy heart, while not even Casey or Dana or even Isaac, could help him. In fact, their hovering and watching his every move annoyed him. It was not their fault. He was sick of having people pity him. Still, four years later, Natalie was the one who comforted him, helping his wounds heal.
Bowing his head, the Lord’s Prayer slowly began to escape his lips, and seemed to carry in the howling wind, offering some protection from the bitter cold. As his eyes shifted upwards, Dan noticed the small plant, swaying in the wind, speckles of sunlight bouncing off the stone. The beauty of the sight before him touched his soul, and felt the chains around his heart loosen, allowing in a rush of such warm emotion. “Just like Natalie,” he whispered. “Beautiful inside and outside.”
“That is the most beautiful thing that anyone could have said.” A soft voice responded, breaking through the silence.
Shocked at the sound of another voice, Dan looked up, as he recognized the voice. “Nat.”
“Hey Danny. I know that you said that you wanted to be alone, but I had to come” Natalie responded softly, hoping that her arrival was welcome.
“I am glad that you came.” As Dan continued to peer at the small plant blowing against the small grave, his cold hand found her warm one. Natalie gently pulled her coat tightly around her thin frame, and sat next to Dan.
Concerned, Natalie glanced at Dan, as she noticed the pained look on his face, she gripped his hand tighter. Even though, he would hide his emotions from the rest of the world, Natalie helped him through the darkest hours, and she was touched that he was trusting of her to let down his guard.
As they sat in companible silence, both Dan and Natalie found themselves caught up in old memories, and as always, they would reach the same conclusion; they would never change anything. After everything that had been thrown at them, they remained together.
As long as they were together, there would be nothing that they couldn’t do. Still, circumstances had made them different people with a different outlook on life. It was during those events, when things were the bleakest, they had come to an important realization about their relationship.
“I can’t believe that Sam has been gone for 15 years.” Dan whispered, his voice wavering at the mention of his brother.
Startled by the sound of Dan’s voice, Natalie tried to push down the lump in her throat. She hated seeing him in so much pain. “I know” she responded
Because when you're fourteen years old, all you ever really want to be is your sixteen year old brother. And in my case, that meant smoking a lot of dope.
“I wish that I had been nicer to him when we were growing up. I knew that something was wrong, but I just brushed it aside. I just didn’t realize that my own stupid choices would touch him. He was always the smart one in the family, with the head on his shoulders. If anyone in my family screwed up, it was supposed to be me, not him. Just maybe, if I stopped smoking for just five seconds, and thought about it, just maybe, I could saved my own brother. And now, he is dead because of my mistakes. All because he wanted to be like me. And all I wanted was to be just like him.”
“Dan,” Natalie cried, her heart breaking at his words. “Dan, look at me,” Natalie says forcily, making eye contact with him, “it is not your fault. Even if you stopped, there was no guarantee that things would have been different. I know that you are hurting, and that having your parents blame you for his death, will never go away. I want you to know that I think that you are a wonderful and caring man, who never had the chance to mourn his brother. Please, Dan, don’t blame yourself.”
Blinking back tears, Dan began to play with the ring on Natalie’s finger, soaking in her words. If there had been one emotion that would always been attached to Sam’s death, it was guilt. Even fifteen years later, his dead brother was his biggest failure. He had failed his own family. He had failed himself.
The day I went off to college was the day Sam got his driver's license. And he celebrated by going for a drive with some of his friends.
Part of the attraction to Rebecca had been a poor attempt to erase his guilt. If he couldn’t have saved Sam, then maybe, he would be able to fix his past failures, by ‘rescuing’ Rebecca from her husband. He did love her. Though it soon became clear to him that Rebecca didn’t want to be saved, and seemed annoyed by his constant attempts in convincing her to leave Steve. In the end, his heart had been trampled upon too many times, and he knew that their relationship could not work.
Clearing his throat, he slowly responses, “I just can’t help it. I never really knew why I had turned to drugs, then I wanted to know why Sam choose the same path when he knew it was wrong. Was there something going on with him that my parents didn’t pick up on? I was too involved with things to notice if anything was wrong. Or was it for attention? I would stay up at night, and stare at the ceiling, asking myself those questions over and over. When I couldn’t find any answers, I found blaming myself, seemed to give me an answer.”
.. Drunk and high as a paper kite. He never saw the red light that he ran. And he probably never saw the eighteen-wheel truck that put him into the side of a brick bank, either
“Oh, Dan.” Slipping her arm around Dan’s body, she tried to offer him some comfort, hoping that her embrace would communicate her support and love. “I am sorry that you are in so much pain, and I wish that I could just wave a wand to erase but I can’t, and I am not even sure if I have been helping much in the last year or so..” Natalie says, biting her lip, silently cursing herself for dumping her insecurities on Dan.
In an instant, Dan’s eyes locked with hers, and saw the uncertainty in her eyes, which pained him. In all these years, he had selfishly expected Natalie to take care of him, and to ease his pain. She was like a drug to him. As long as his needs were being cared for, he neglected her own feelings, making him feel like a complete bastard. “Natalie, I can’t believe that I have been so selfish. You have helped me so much, and there is no way that I can ever repay you.”
Gently cupping his face in her hand, Natalie peered into Dan’s deep brown eyes, giving him a small smile. “You aren’t selfish. I just care about you so much that I want to take away all your pain, but you never cease to amaze me, Dan. You underestimate yourself. No regrets, Dan. We have to accept the past, and move on. I know that you never meant to hurt me, and I guess that I worry too much.”
Blinking his eyes, Dan sent a silent prayer of thanks, for having Natalie in his life. No matter how ugly things got, she stood by him, her belief in him never wavered. “No regrets.” He softly repeated. Pausing for a minute, he realized that he needed her to understand. “There is not one minute that I have spent with you, Nat, that I would ever want to take back. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I never want you to doubt that.”
“I know, Dan. I have always known.”
As she gently leaned against Dan, Natalie smiled as she watched the plant that she had given Dan earlier in the day, now sat against Sam’s grave. He had put up such a fight when she presented him with it, but he finally caved in. Victory was hers once again. “I guess that my gift was not that femine, huh?” she teased him, alluding to their earlier conservation.
Dan chuckled softly. “Nah, but for the record, I didn’t put it there.” He retorted.
“Touchy, Danny. I will keep silent, but don’t be surprised if this gets around the office, it is too good to pass up, and Casey will love to hear about this.” Nat joked, enjoying teasing him.
“Casey will love it, I am sure,” Dan responded dryly, “And I have a feeling that I am not going to be able to live this down. And I will have to prove to Casey and Jeremy, and everyone that I am still a real man.”
“Oh, that goes without saying. I am sure that Dana and I will have to discuss this in lengthen too.”
Dan shot Natalie a ‘hurt’ look, as a devilish smile began to tug at his lips. “I think that you are enjoying this way too much, Mrs. Rydell. Are you trying to tempt me with another game to regain my manhood?”
Tossing a saucy look in his direction, Natalie laughed as she placed her hand on his chest. “You don’t need practice. Last night was proof enough for me.”
Dan’s grin broadened as memories of the previous night ran through his mind. It had been a wonderful night, especially since he managed to surprise Natalie. Lately, their schedules at Sports Night had left them very little time to themselves, and Dan missed being alone with his wife. “I guess that I have been proven wrong again.” He said teasingly
“It won’t be the last time either.” Natalie retorted.
Lapsing into silence, their playful mood fading away, Dan’s mood turned solemn, and thoughtful. The time around Sam’s death caused him to reflect on his life and the people in it. For the first time in a long time, Dan was truly happy. There were no ghosts surrounding him, trying to hinder his happiness. Mostly, the cloud of insecurity and guilt had lessened, instilling a newfound confidence in everything that he did.
As Natalie let out a soft sigh, she unconsciously moved close to Dan, relishing the warmth of his body. He had been dreading this day for the past month, and as the weeks passed, his mood had darkened. Casey had prodded him, trying to get Dan to talk to him, but he brushed aside his concern with the promise that would talk to him, if things became too much. In his heart, Dan knew that he would never talk to Casey, while he had Natalie. Maybe, he was not being fair to his best friend, but his wife could only offer the comfort that he sought.
Pulling Natalie’s petite frame even closer to this body, his thoughts drifted to her. The memories of their first meeting were still vivid in his mind. Closing his eyes, the picture of Nat’s nervous smile floated before him, sending a warm sensation through his body.
Little did he know that she would become one of his good friends and confidante. Slowly, those feelings of friendship began to turn into something more, and as the months passed, they only intensified.
The strong romantic feelings that he had for Natalie were too hard to ignore, and after much agony, Dan had decided to take action. The initial awkwardness between them hampered their attempts to explore their newfound feelings for each other.
With gentle prodding from Jeremy and Casey, Dan pushed his fears away, and asked Natalie on a date. The new romantic relationship hit a few snags over the course of the year, but their feelings only deepened.
Eight months ago, Natalie had stood before her friends and family, declaring her love and devotion to him. The wedding had been a simple affair. Natalie had been adamant that she didn’t want a big ceremony, just her close friends and family, to help her celebrate their marriage. There was not a dry eye in the church when Dan and Nat exchanged their written vows, and it was one of the few times, that Dan had actually cried.
He loved her so much, and knew that even during his lifetime, that he would never really able to show her. She had become his wife, lover, friend and co-worker. She had become the very essence of his being. She was his other half.
“Thank you” Dan whispered softly, breaking the silence between them.
Natalie looked at him, puzzled. “For what?”
As her question floated through his mind, he couldn’t come up with a specific answer. All he could think about was the experiences that they had shared. The New Years two years ago when he told her that he loved her. Their wedding. Going to work, knowing that she was near by. Anniversaries. Dinner Parties. Pizza and movies night.
Finally, the answer that he had been alluding him, suddenly hit him. “For everything.” Dan responds huskily.
“Dan..” Natalie says, her voice breaking.
“Don’t cry, Nat. Thank you for being my everything, but mostly, thank you for the last eight months.”
Natalie sniffled. “I want to thank you for loving me so much. And for letting me be your wife.”
Dan let out a small chuckle. “It was that or having Casey on my back. As much as I love Casey, I would much rather have you to come home to.”
Natalie smiled. “So, I guess that Casey just doesn’t do it for you, huh?”
Grinning devilish, Dan pulled her into a kiss. “There is only one person who does it for me.”
Pulling away, Nat glanced down at Sam’s grave, pondering her next move. Dan noticed her with concerned eyes. “Hey Nat, are you sure that you are okay?”
“I’m fine, Dan” she responded softly. “But I am not the one who is mourning a sibling today.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Dan hissed.
Keeping her eyes on the grave, Natalie braced herself. “I am worried about you, Dan. It is nice to have you joke around, but you can’t keep hiding from the pain.”
Dan dropped his arm from Nat’s waist. Natalie felt his body stiffen, and heard the anger seep into his voice. “So, my sobbing in your arms last night, doesn’t count? I don’t need you to tell me how to mourn. I expect it from anyone else, but never from you. Just a little while ago, I poured my heart out to you, and now you are telling me to stop joking?”
“I’m worried about you, Dan” Natalie retorted weakly. “Please, I don’t want you to feel that you can’t come to me, to let your emotions out. I want you to. You just put up these walls, and every time, there is a crack in them, you just shut down, and get on the defensive. I have known you for a long time, Dan, and I have watched you. I don’t want you to shut people out. All I want from you is to be honest with yourself. Don’t use humor to deflect a situation, and then later, take it out on everyone.”
Dan shook his head in defeat. Sam’s death had always provoked so many emotions, and his frustration to express those emotions, was usually turned into anger . “Like I just did with you?”
Natalie squeezed his hand. “It was my fault, Dan, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t mind you getting angry or sad. If it helps you, then it is alright.” Natalie said reassuringly.
“I’m sorry, Nat. I just wish that this could be easier.”
“You suffered a huge loss in your life, Dan. For fifteen years, you have carried around all this guilt, anger and sadness inside of you. A lot of people would have just fallen apart, but you managed to finish college, and start a successful career. I am so proud of you, Danny.”
As a kid, he tested off the charts. The first computer I ever had, he built from a kit he bought with money he earned tutoring other kids in math. He's energetic and articulate, curious and funny. A great source of pride to our parents. And there's no doubt that he'd be living a great life right now, except for that he's dead
“Fifteen years.” Dan echoes softly. “There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think of him, and there are times that I forget that he is gone. Sometimes, I will see something, and think, ‘I should tell Sam about that or I should call him.’ He would be 31 this year, probably would have married his sweetheart from college, and they would have 3 kids. Every year, he would make into the 100 most successful men in Money Magazine, making millions. He would be dubbed as the next Bill Gates, and everyone would want to meet my brother. And he would always tease me that he was the most popular one, not me.”
“Sam, I am sure is very proud of you, Dan. He has forgiven you, and now, you just have to forgive yourself.”
“I just don’t know how” Dan sighs.
Natalie opened her purse, and took out a envelope. “I think that this can help you, Dan.” Handing it to him, she replied, “Open it.”
With trembling fingers, Dan gently opened the seal, and pulled out several pieces of paper. Nervously, he began to read through them. The tears in his eyes blurred his vision as he struggled to finish the letter.
Natalie shyly smiled at him, when he looked at her. “I wanted to save it for you, and I thought that this was as good of a time as any.”
“When did this happen?” Dan sputtered out.
“They came a couple of days ago, and I made sure that I hid them away from you.”
“We did it, Natalie. We really did it.” Dan replied.
“No, you did it”
Dan grabbed her hands, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “No, Nat, we did it. I could have never done this without you, and you were the one who never gave up on the project or me even when it hit rough patches. This is our success. We are a team, Natalie.”
Natalie choked back tears. She loved the sound of ‘we.’ It was not about his loss or her idea, instead, it was ‘our’ pain and idea, and loss. Dan was right, they were a team for a lifetime. She couldn’t imagine having a better a teammate.
“Sam,” she whispered as she knelt down to his grave, “Dan and I want to share some news with you. I am sure that you know that Dan was really proud of you, and he wanted to honor your life. Well, we found a couple of ways to do that.” Taking two small cards in plastic frames, she gently placed them under some dirt. “I’m sorry that I never had a chance to meet you, Sam. I know that I would have liked you.”
That was eleven years ago tonight. And I just wanted to say... I'm sorry, Sam. You deserved better in my hands. And I apologize.
As she stood up, she finally let the tears spill down her cheeks. Dan gave her a brief hug as she walked away. When he was alone, Dan knelt down, his fingers tracing the edge of the two frames. “I’m sorry that I never told you that I loved you before I left, Sam. I love you. And I am proud of you. I will never forget you.”
As Dan and Natalie walked back to their car, the sun began to shine down on Sam’s grave. In the two frames sat two cards. They both contained a small picture of Dan and Sam from a summer vacation. In beautiful script, one of the cards read, “Dan and Natalie Rydell are pleased to announce the creation of the Sam Rydell Memorial Scholarship, which will be awarded to a high student, who shows exceptional talent in the field of computing and information technology. This award is to help a student with talent, spirit, and a dedication to helping others in need. Sam Rydell never had a chance to attend college, and his family would like to help a student, who is hindered by social or economic reasons, to have the chance that Sam never had; to achieve their dreams, and be able to have a bright and happy future.”
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