Note: This story takes place in the early stages of Danny and Michelle's marriage, and their first Christmas together.

Christmas. I used to love the holiday, but not anymore. Nothing has been the same in my family since Papa died. Papa used to add such laughter to this dreary house. I can still hear his laugh echo through the halls. I wish that he was still here. I wish that he could have met Michelle. Instead, he is gone because of the family business. And Mick is gone because of his own undoing.

I have always believed Michelle when she told me that she killed him in self-defense. It was not her fault that Mick was an animal. I just wish that I could have protected her from him. Now, I am married to her. I am married to a woman who does not love me. But something has changed. I wish that she would stop fighting me long enough and figure that out. My grandmother tells me that Michelle does care about me, but I have to be patient. Oh, Grandmother, only if it was that simple.

Mama is in a horrible mood. I wonder if she is thinking about Papa. I wish that I could talk to her about Papa, but she is too practical to reminisce. All I can think about is Papa. This was his favorite holiday, and he always made sure that Mick, Pilar and I had fun. I think that Christmas was one of the few times that we acted like a normal family.

It is hard to watch Michelle get in the holiday spirit. It makes me think of Papa. I have noticed that the strange looks that Michelle has been giving me, but I can’t tell her. I want to tell her about Papa, but I know that she doesn’t care about me. I want Michelle to rock me in her arms and tell me that it is going to be alright. If only..

I don’t know how long I can keep all this bottled up. Tears are starting to overtake my body. The pain in my heart overwhelms me. There are only two people that I truly care about. Papa and Michelle. Michelle. I want her to comfort me. I want to tell her about the dreams of Papa that haunt me at night. I wish that she would hold me and never let go. I wonder what it feels like it to be in her arms. I can’t do this to myself anymore; I can’t keep torturing myself.

I need to be close to Papa, and there is one place where I can still feel him. I grab a bottle of scotch and a glass, and I walk to my grandfather’s private study. It was a room that not many people knew about, and it was the one place, that Papa would take me, so we could spend time together. It was a place just for us. The darkness of the room comforts me.

With shaking knees, I walk over to the bookcase, and take one of the picture albums. Tears pour down my cheeks as I leaf through pictures of my father and I. I need you, Papa. The burning sensation left by the scotch feels good, maybe it can numb the pain. Suddenly, light floods the room and I see Michelle standing in the doorway. I can’t let her see me like this.

“Danny, there you are. I have been looking…” She looks at me, and realizes that I have been crying. She walks over to the couch, and sits next to me. “Danny, what is the matter? Please tell me.”

I search her face to see if she is being sincere. Her eyes are so kind and loving. But I can’t tell her, it is too painful, so I lie. “Nothing is wrong. I was just… It does not matter, Michelle.”

“Well, it matters to you. Why won’t you tell me?” I forget that the photo album is still on my lap, so when I shift my body, it falls to the floor. I try to grab it before Michelle reaches for it.

“What is this?” She starts to flip through the pictures, and then stops, “Oh, Danny, these are pictures of your father. You miss him, don’t you?”

I want to lie to her, but I can’t. She is trying to comfort me, and I want her to. “I miss him more than you will ever know. I just needed to..” I can hear my voice crack, and tears starting to well in my eyes

Michelle finishes my sentence for me. “You just needed to feel close to him. I lost my mom when I was young, and it still hurts. But Danny, you should not keep this all bottled up, you need someone to help you.”

I want you to help me, Michelle. You, I think to myself, but instead I say, “I don’t have anyone. Nobody seems to care about my feelings. Mama never talks about it, and my Grandmother, I can’t burden her.”

Michelle moves to closer to me, and takes my face in her hands. “I care, Danny. I care. And I want to help you. Please let me.”

I let myself fall into her warm and welcoming embrace. I feel so warm and safe in her arms. I want to stay in her arms forever. As my sobs subsided, Michelle asks me about Papa. I tell her about Papa, and how he would decorate the house into a winter wonderland.

Michelle tells me about Christmas time with her parents. I wish that I got the chance to meet her mother, she sounds like a wonderful woman. Michelle pulls away from our embrace, and tells me that she has to go. Does she regret reaching out to me? Wasn’t she able to forget about everything else for a moment? I don’t know. I wish I knew what she was thinking.

Finally, I could not stand it anymore, and I leave the study to find Michelle. Where in the world was she? Was she hiding from me? God, I hope not. As I reach for the doorknob to our bedroom, I realize that my hand is shaking. I don’t know what to expect from Michelle anymore. I take a deep breath and walk into the bedroom. To my surprise, it is dark. Was she here? This is silly, I tell myself. I switch on the lights, and I can’t believe my eyes.

The whole bedroom is filled with holly, paper chains, a small Christmas tree, and Christmas ornaments. Suddenly, I see Michelle sitting on our bed with a big smile on her face, as she walks towards me, I realize that she is wearing just a red nightgown.

“I hope that you like it, Danny. It took me forever to make those paper chains.” She starts to laugh but stops when she sees my face. “I am sorry, Danny, I just..”

She thinks that I am going to be mad at her. She couldn’t be more wrong. “No, Michelle. It is so beautiful. It’s just nobody has ever done this for me. Why? Why did..” Before I can finish my sentence, Michelle is standing right in front of me.

“ I did it because I want to show you much I care about you, Danny. I love you, Danny.”
I think that my heart is about to burst. Michelle loves me. Did you hear that, Papa? She loves me.

“I love you too, Michelle. I always have.” I lift her head to mine, and I kiss her with all the passion and love that I feel for her. As the kiss deepens, I think that I can feel Papa smiling down at us.


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