My dear Sam,
I apologise for not writing sooner. I only just received your notes and they seem to have already been ripped open and have drool splodges on them. I can't imagine who did that. Also, the messenger had to travel the entire way to Mordor to find us, and then insisted on a tip for his efforts. I thought that was rather forward as I certainly wasn't going to 'pay him for his services' in the manner he suggested...so Legolas did instead. Legolas is such a good friend.
I'm glad to hear all my plants are being kept well by your tender care. I have wonderful dreams about them every night now - rising erect as your stroke them, unfolding as you press your finger against their flower buds... I must also be having nightmares about the ring though I don't remember them - I apparently have been moaning and tossing in my sleep constantly.
Legolas has been so kind and offered to sleep with me each night. He holds me close so that I will not toss, and joins in my moaning when I begin so that I will not feel embarrassed to be the only one having nightmares. Aragorn is beginning to show interest in helping, too. I have begun to hear his moans nightly as well. I had not thought the ring had been disturbing him so much. Maybe I should stop thrusting my finger through its tight band, in and out, while moaning myself to sleep. It must be bothering him.
I must go now, Sam. Daylight is about to rise and we must trek on the next stage of our journey. I'm ever so glad to hear you are happy and snug in my hole. Please stay there as long as you like, for I gain much pleasure from the knowledge that you enjoy it.
love, Master Frodo.
~fondler of the One Ring