Obi-Wan sighed for the one hundred and fifteenth time that day, as he trudged his way through the swamplands on his way to see his Grandpa Yoda. Yoda had long retired back to this uninhabitable (well, according to Obi-Wan, anyway) land, and was living in a little mud hut in the midst of it all.
"Oh, why oh why does he have to live out here?!" sighed Obi-Wan cutely. "Doesn't he know how swamp mud affects my skin tone?" He brushed some more sludge off his robes. "Oh, well," he continued. "I _do_ want to be a Jedi one day so I suppose I must see the best in every situation!"
And with that, he skipped off happily further into the green and brown muck, whistling cheerily. Suddenly the woods closed in on him and he felt alone and frightened. The path narrowed, and imaginary eyes and claws grew on every branch and trunk of every tree in sight.
"Eeek!" he squeaked, hugging the teddy bear Qui-Gon had lent him, close to his heart.
"It's ok, Booboo!" he whispered to the teddy bear. "We'll comfort each other, ok?"
On Obi-Wan went, through the dark trees and shadowy paths, until suddenly he heard a twig snap behind him. He froze.
"Who's there?" he squeaked.
"Fear is the path to the Dark Side, little boy," said a low, nightmare-inducing voice, ignoring Obi-Wan's question.
Slowly the young man pulled himself together enough to turn around.
"EEEEK!"
Staring him in the face was the menacing figure of a red and black skinned creature. Obi-Wan trembled in his boots, but then remembered what the creature had just told him. Fear was the path to the Dark Side. If he was going to become a Jedi he must face his fears. He pulled himself together and quickly stuffing Booboo back into his backpack.
"What...or who are you?" he asked, with barely a tremor in his voice.
The creature, just a little put off at not being able to scare the boy to insanity, growled.
"I am Maul, a warrior of the Sith," he answered. "Who are you?"
Obi-Wan, deciding that it would just be rude of him to be prejudiced against Maul purely because he looked like the spawn of Satan himself, decided his next best move would be to make friends.
"Hi! I'm Obi-Wan!" he chirped. "I'm on my way to my Grandfather Yoda's house to deliver him a basket of goodies."
Maul opened his mouth to inform the boy that he didn't really care what the boy's actions were for the day as he was going to kill him anyway, but suddenly his brain caught up with him.
"_Grandfather_ Yoda?!" he exclaimed with an incredulous look.
"Well, yes," said Obi-Wan blushing slightly. "He's not my _real_ grandfather of course, but he's been a friend of the family for so long that...well...I kinda call him that..."
Maul stared at him intently, causing Obi-Wan's blush to turn deep crimson.
"Uhh..." started the poor boy, his brain a little slower on the uptake than Maul's. "Did you just say you were a Sith?"
"Yes."
"But aren't the Sith, evil hateful beings who follow the Dark Side of the Force and have been extinct for a thousand years?"
"So? You're not going to be rude to me purely because I hold different beliefs to you and I'm not meant to exist, are you? That would be very un-Jedi."
Obi-Wan pondered Maul's reasoning.
"Oh. I suppose you're right, then," he admitted. "Well, it's been nice meeting you Maul, but I really better be on my way now, or Grandpa Yoda will start worrying."
Maul put an arm in front of Obi-Wan as he started to leave.
"Just one more thing, little boy," he asked in as innocent a tone as a Sith can muster. "Where does your...Grandfather Yoda live, exactly?"
"Oh, in the middle of the crop of Gareh trees past those really murky swamps over there," Obi-Wan answered.
Maul nodded and quickly sped off into the cover of the trees. Obi-Wan stood still for a moment, shook his head to clear his thoughts, and continued on his way, feeling a little safer now that he knew there was that lovely Sith out there to help him if he got lost.
* * *
Ten minutes later, at the door to Yoda's hut...
"Little Jedi, little Jedi, let me in!"
Yoda shook his head sadly, as he stood up from his place at his nice warm fire. He was sure he'd heard that line before and he was quite positive it didn't belong in this context.
"Coming I am!" he yelled through the door, as he hobbled his way over. *Cold is my soup going to be* he thought to himself, as he pulled open the door reluctantly. Suddenly a huge black cloaked creature whipped out a rather impressive looking, double-sided light saber and stabbed him through the chest. Yoda looked down at the gaping hole in surprise.
"Buggered I am," he mumbled, falling down to the ground. "Saw that coming, I should have had. Last time I focus all the Force on cooking my lunch, this is."
Maul stepped through the door and kicked the shriveled figure of the Jedi Master over into the corner of the tiny hut and threw a blanket over him. Slowly a grin spread across his face and he began to stand up to puff his chest out in victory.
"OWW!"
Ducking down again, he clutched at his now slightly flattened horns.
"Damn bloody low roof!" he swore to the room in general.
But the victory far surpassed the pain. Sidious would be so proud of him. He'd killed Yoda! All by himself! Drunk with pride and success, Maul willingly let his ego take over his actions.
"I will kill the Jedi hopeful when he comes, too!" he pronounced out loud. "I will fool him and kill him and victory will be mine!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaaAAAA!!!"
Suddenly there was a knocking at the door to the hut, and Maul grudgingly stopped his bout of I'm-a-Sith-Lord-Hear-Me-Roar.
"Yes?" he growled.
There was a pause on the other side of the door and then a slightly confused voice spoke.
"Ummm...Grandpa Yoda? Is that you?"
Maul's head snapped around as he looked desperately for a means of putting his plan to kill the boy into action. Suddenly, the boy behind the door spoke again, tentatively, mistaking the silence for non-recognition.
"Uh, Grandpa Yoda? It's me, Obi-Wan... I'm here with a basket of goodies for you..."
"Yes! Yes! Hear you I do!" yelled Maul, in a pretty poor attempt at imitating Yoda. "Coming I am!"
In one swift movement, he unlocked the door and then made an impressive dive across the room and into Yoda's little bed. He didn't even slightly fit, but he made a spirited attempt at squashing himself into a fetal position to manage it anyway. He heard Obi-Wan slowly push the door open, and at that moment he realised he needed something to cover his head. He quickly grabbed a shawl and wrapped it old-granny style around his head.
"In here, I am, dear boy," he said to Obi-Wan who was standing still just in the door. Obi-Wan wandered in and placed the basket of goodies on the nearby bench, his back to Maul.
"I brought you these, Grandpa Yoda. I hope you like them," he babbled as he unpacked the basket.
"Good, little boy. Come to me, you must," encouraged Maul, gnashing his teeth ever so slightly. In a small corner of his mind a little voice was trying to ask him why he was even bothering with the charade, but he ignored it on the general principle that it usually was trying to get him to admit things he was happily in denial about.
But at that moment his mental ramblings were drowned out by a screech from Obi-Wan as the boy turned towards the bed.
"Grandpa!" he exclaimed. "What happened to your face?!"
Maul suddenly remembered that the shawl wasn't covering his uniquely-coloured skin.
"Err...measles, I have. Or pimples. Or Chicken Pox," he stammered, hoping the boy would continue being as naive as he had been to this point.
Obi-Wan stared at him strangely.
"But aren't they conditions only found in a galaxy far, far away?" he asked.
"Err, yes, they are that. But traveling far and wide, I have been," replied Maul.
"What _now_?!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "At your age?! You can hardly get from one side of the room to the other!"
The boy, full of concern for his aging Grandfather's health, rushed over to the bed and wrapped his arms around the poor Sith. He looked up into Maul's face.
"My, what big teeth you have, Grandpa!" he exclaimed in shock.
Maul grinned widely, slowly sitting up to grab a tight hold on the boy. As he did so, the shawl covering his head fell to his shoulders.
"My! What big...horns...you have!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, suddenly getting a disturbing feeling that something was wrong.
Maul threw the rest of the blankets off himself and reached for his weapon.
"My! What a big light saber you have!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, staring at the Sith's weapon with interest.
Maul's ego overtook him momentarily.
"You know, I have the biggest light saber out of all in the galaxy," he boasted smugly, as he pulled the boy closer towards him to take his kill.
"Really!" gasped Obi-Wan, extremely impressed, and unfortunately _still_ not seeing the danger he was in. "Can I hold it?" he asked tentatively, slowly reaching for where the Sith's weapon was still resting at his waist. But before Maul could object, or (as the small corner of his mind accused) enjoy the boy's exploration of his impressively-sized light saber, the door to Yoda's hut flew off its hinges and in strode the huge hulking figure of a Jedi Master.
"OWW!! Dammit!!" yelled the Jedi as his head hit the roof of Yoda's hut. Maul smirked evilly, but before he could begin making teasing remarks, the Jedi gathered himself together, switched on his light saber and had the weapon at Maul's throat before the Sith could even move.
"Oh. Shit."
Maul, in an impressive show of Force-induced skill, pulled himself back from the weapon, twisted around, and crashed through the side of the hut, leaving a Maul-shaped impression of himself in his wake.
A few moments passed as Obi-Wan and the Jedi Master stood staring out the hole in shock. Finally, upon noticing Obi-Wan's stare had turned towards him, the Jedi thought it was time for him to speak.
"Are you hurt?" he asked, sitting down smoothly next to the stunned young man. Obi-Wan shook his head as he stared at his hero in awe.
"He was going to kill me, wasn't he?!" he gasped cutely, taking advantage of the opportunity to lean over and cling to the strong, protective form next to him.
"You must be Obi-Wan," continued the man, stroking the boy's hair. "I am Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master. I was on my way to visit Yoda and as I looked through the window I noticed you in here with that creature. I didn't think much of it until I noticed how close he had moved to you...and heard you become impressed by his...light saber..."
Obi-Wan blushed pink.
"And you were...jealous...?" he almost whispered, a hopeful edge to his voice.
Qui-Gon opened his mouth to deny that he would have been willing to kill a complete stranger purely because he wanted Obi-Wan for himself, regardless of the fact he had never seen the boy before in his life. But the words never came out, as, upon looking down at the boy clinging to him and staring at him with wide, love-filled hero-worshipping eyes, he thought a change of tactic was necessary.
"Why, yes," he said, his voice deepening a few octaves. "Yes, I bravely fought of that ferocious monster as I knew I wanted you as my own.... I mean I knew we would be better off together in a mutual, loving relationship."
"Smooth, you are, when flirting you do," muttered a sarcastic voice in the corner of the room.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon both snapped their heads around in shock.
"Yoda!" they exclaimed in unison.
"Yes, I it is," admitted the small Jedi Master as he hobbled over the room towards the two men.
"But...where were you? What happened to you?" questioned Obi-Wan in concern.
"Killed I was, by impatient creature," Yoda answered, with a shrug of his shoulders.
Qui-Gon decided it was up to him to state the obvious.
"You're not dead, Master Yoda."
"Yes, Yes. Aware of that, I am," muttered the Jedi Master with a roll of his eyes. "But when stab me he did, disappear I did not. Disappear, Jedi do, when they die. Silly Billy you must be, if know that you do not."
Qui-Gon opened and shut his mouth a few times before he spoke again.
"So like," he said slowly, "even if a Jedi was, oh I don't know, *cremated*, then he still wouldn't be dead because he didn't disappear."
"True that is," replied Yoda. "You asked, for what reason?"
Qui-Gon opened his mouth to speak once again, but realised he didn't have an answer.
"Uh...I have no idea...For some reason I felt that was something I should note."
"Anyway," interrupted Obi-Wan, who'd suddenly felt that the attention had been off him too long. "Everything's fine now, so how about we all start lunch as I _did_ bring my basket of goodies." He looked coyly at Qui-Gon. "I do so hope you'll stay, as, well...you _did_ save my life...and...I'd like to repay you...anyway you see fit..."
Qui-Gon involuntarily gulped as he saw the suggested meaning clearly reflected in the boy's lust-filled eyes.
"Gggaaa..." he nodded. "I think...I can _definitely_ stay."
"Oh, goodie!" exclaimed Obi-Wan, clapping his hands in joy, and pulling the elder man over to a seat. "You know, I'm planning on becoming a Jedi Master, myself, you know," he told Qui-Gon, as he plonked down firmly on the Jedi's lap.
"Really...?" said Qui-Gon, wrapping his huge arms around the boy.
"Yes!" answered Obi-Wan happily. "You know...I could become one right now...if I could just find myself a Master..."
Qui-Gon gulped again as Obi-Wan punctuated his words by slowly walking his fingers down the Jedi's chest...lower and lower...
"You know..." said Qui-Gon, his voice slightly shaky. "I think I just might know of someone who'd _really_ like to be your Master..."
"Really?" said Obi-Wan, his cute little innocent act disappearing suddenly, as his hand reached Qui-Gon's belt. "Do you think he'd let me hold his light saber...?"
Qui-Gon shivered. "Oh, I definitely think he'd let you," he replied. "I think you'd find his...light saber...to your tastes..." he added. "Many have said it's rather big and impressive..."
Obi-Wan smirked as he grabbed hold of his goal.
"Oooo!" he exclaimed. "It sure is big!! And I bet, as a Jedi Master, you sure know how to use it to the best of your abilities, huh?"
Qui-Gon nodded. His brain decided it was long past the time when all non-important functions should be shut down, vocal cords included.
"Then decided it is, Padawan you have," stated Yoda suddenly, interrupting the courting ritual taking place in his living room. "Not a total disaster, this day have been."
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan nodded happily, not even bothering to look at the little Jedi as they did so.
"But put off I am, for dying so easily," continued Yoda, still unaware that the other two occupants of the room were blissfully trying to ignore him while disrobing each other.
"Oh, don't worry, Grandpa Yoda," mumbled Obi-Wan, as he ran his hands in underneath Qui-Gon's tunic. "He did tell me that he was a Sith, so it's not like it was just _anyone_ who beat you."
"A SITH??!!" yelled Yoda and Qui-Gon in unison, the latter standing up so suddenly that not only did he hit his head on the roof for the second time, but also managed to smash his new Padawan's head too as the boy was still clinging on to him, arms around his neck.
"Well, yes...that's what he said..." admitted Obi-Wan, trying to pull his new Master over to Yoda's little bed.
There was a moment of silence as neither of the Jedi Master's moved, but then suddenly a relieved grin broke out on Yoda's face.
"Lied he must have had. Sith he could not be. Extinct they all are."
Qui-Gon contemplated this, and then burst out in a relieved laugh.
"Yes! Of course! Sith don't exist, silly boy!" he said to Obi-Wan, as he managed to rid the boy of his trousers. "I think I'm going to have to punish you for suggesting such things," he added as he pushed the boy, stomach down, onto Yoda's tiny bed.
Yoda took to hint. He sighed and grabbed his walking cane and wandered out of his hut. He turned back for a moment to shake his head at the rhythmic thumping sounds that had begun.
"Learn nothing they will, if _that_ they do all day," he muttered.
But inside the hut, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn had different thoughts on the matter, as the elder Jedi began teaching his student a first lesson...in non-verbal communication.
...and lesson after lesson followed in years to come, as they lived happily ever after.
***
THE END