I have taken an in-depth look using SCIENCE and TECHNOLOGY to provide a completely unbiased cheat sheet to find out who will truly be the last remaining non-trader.
Here’s what I did:
- Carefully waded through all 187 emails I had saved regarding last years trades (180 of which were from Grindley trying to trade me El Duque) - Uncovered the truth. - Uncovered lots of untruths. - Used a fool proof algorithm. - Made up the odds as I saw fit.
Let’s not forget, however, that NOT making a trade may not be a bad thing! For more information, contact mpavao@bu.edu, and ask him about his 98 season.
Let’s get right to it…
Brian Mueller A.K.A. Griffey
Facts: Made his first trade last year on March 26th. Believes in a Utopian society. Owes me from a bet we placed last year. Currently lives on the wrong side of the Atlantic Ocean. Thinks he’s 007. Roots for the bad guys in _The Patriot_. Wonders why “LBW” and “Ducks” aren’t available as customizable stats. Still loves the Mariners. Or the Reds. Or the Rangers. No one really knows. Foibles: Believes his annual 7th place finish will be more respectable now that we’re in a twelve team league. Fabrication?: Runs around in his crimson briefs yelling, “I’m a Redcoat! I’m a Redcoat! I’m a Redcoat!!”
Summary: I have a hard time believing that a man who has made trades each of the last three years will all of a sudden get trigger-shy. Odds: 15 to 1
Chris Kwan A.K.A. Kwan
Facts: Made his first trade last year on July 8th. Is completely irrational. Believes this is Frank Menichino’s break-out year. Still has his poster of Paul Wilson, Bill Pulsipher and Jason Isringhausen hanging over his bed. Is “pretty sure” he’s not gay. Foibles: Really think the Mets are New York’s team. Fabrication?: Is making a free agent claim for Albert Belle just as you’re reading this.
Summary: While he may have no ability to judge his players fairly, his building frustration along with sudden bouts of “Kwan-logic” will lead him to make an ill-advised trade soon. Odds: 10 to 1
Dante Parel A.K.A. Dante, Newbie, Rookie, Dark Horse, Josh II
Facts: Didn’t make a trade the ENTIRE season last year! Has a fucking cool first name. Wonders why no one has claimed Mo Vaughn yet. Votes in the polls just so he can “see the results”. Has recurring nightmares of the entire league laughing at him. Can’t figure out who this Peter Gammons fellow is. Once watched a baseball game in its entirety. Foibles: Thought the name Dante’s Inferno was “really clever”. Fabrication?: He’s that guy who started that awesome beach ball trend at Dodgers’ games.
Summary: Gotta cut the new-guy some slack, since he’s rightfully a bit awed at the baseball wizards who surround him. He’ll probably play the “I’m just a caveman” card a few more months, but his collection of starting pitchers should eventually lead him to make a trade. Odds: 5 to 1
Josh Mondshein A.K.A. Josh
Facts: Made his first trade last year on July 31st. Actually thinks of his pitching staff as a “strength”. Has the best logo in the league. Emails Greg Ambrosius and Keith Law thrice daily. Agonizes over Brad Penny’s starts. Complains about the time zones so much you’d think he just flew in from Pakistan. A full believer in “third time’s a charm”, feels that his latest signing of Aramis Ramirez (after two previous tours) will put him over the top. Takes an extra set of clothes to work “just in case”. Will ponder suicide when he finishes behind Dante but will change his mind after “reviewing the numbers”. Foibles: Lives and dies by spring training stats. Fabrication?: Runs out of the shower, slips on his Marlins jersey, and masturbates to thoughts of Eric Owens.
Summary: Deepak Chopra himself would be unable to boost this man’s self confidence. Odds: 2 to 1
How it will probably play out:
May 17th: Griffey declares Edgar Martinez his new favorite Mariner of all time, and strikes a deal with Grindley.
June 6th: Kwan gets tired of the losing and swaps Jason Giambi for 3 Rusty Greers and a wiffle ball bat.
August 31st: After months of negotiating, Dante and Josh hammer out an Omar Daal for Matt Herges deal thereby ending this wager in a tie. Burr keeps the money and finally buys Marianne that cubic zirconium engagement ring he’s been saving up for.
