This week we travel to the back alleys of New Jersey where a once promising medical student has strayed from the path that was laid before him, instead choosing a much nobler and more honorable lifestyle, that of an FLB owner. Rishi is a bright star in this down and dirty business but Rishi's blunt and in your face attitude proved too much for this reporter. In a rather unorthodox move, I have given the pen up to my fellow owner. After all, no one understands better how his mind works than the woman himself. The following comes straight from the mind of a diabolical FLB mastermind in its full and unedited form.
Ahhh.. how does one begin to describe one of our Founding Fathers of Fantasy and winner of the 1999 "Supreme Ruler of the Universe" (SROTU)Trophy. - the great Rishi. Well, he is a man of incredible intellect and arrogance to match. He is known as an intense owner and he admits he is sometimes too abrasive when dealing the other owners. Still, no one expects a change, because that's his style - Ol' Fiery R V, that's what they call him. He will be the first to point out his own faults, and he will be the first to make fun of yours.
His anger is often portrayed in his biting, sarcastic, sometimes bitter and often witty bulletin board postings. To quote Steve Finley, a former Grey Hater who felt the wrath of his owner many times before his release, "Man, he's totally fumped up. I once saw him kick ol' Brady [Anderson] right in the knees, and we all know how bad ol' B's knees are. The man needs some anger management or sumtin'". Still, most of the members of the Hate describe their owner as "strict, but fair". Todd Helton, perrenial Hate MVP, describes Rishi "more like a teddy bear than a monster.. I mean, sure he's got a temper, but inside he's just a big, soft, teddy bear.. In fact, I find myself hugging on to him as often as I can".
Two-time Hater, Derek Jeter, often talks about his wild nights out with the owner during the offseason.
"Man, people always talk about ME picking up the chicks, but this guys has women hanging all over him. Hell, the only reason I got Mariah was because she wasn't well-endowed enough for him.. He threw me a bone, ya know? He's more into twins anyway. Lesbian twins."
We had the opportunity for a rare interview with the owner:
We: Mr. Rishi..
Rishi: Please, call me Student Doctor.
We: Sorry. Student Doctor Rishi, people often describe you a serious, aggressive, intense, funny, introspective man who values his family more than anything else - is this true?
Rishi: I couldn't have said it better myself (which is funny, because I DID say it myself).
We: What is the highlight of your fantasy career?
Rishi: It would have to be about a week before the close of the 1999 season when I realized that there was no way in hell Gary was going to catch me.
We: And what would you say would be your lowest point?
Rishi: Definitely the conclusion to last season. I just lost all will to continue and my effort dropped to almost none over the past week. I got very down about my chances of winning. The absolute lowest point must have come about a week after the season, when Gary called me to tell me I had finished an embarassing FOURTH overall, slipping behind Grindley, who, incidentally, is a total pansy-ass. That really pissed me off. And it was so much worse to have to hear about it from Gary rub-it-in-your-face Blanchard. I hate Gary.
We: Yes, people describe him as your archenemy.
Rishi: Nothing bothers me more than the fact that I had to turn over my SROTU trophy to that piece of swine.
We: But isn't it true that you haven't actually given him the trophy yet?
Rishi: Nothing could be further from the truth.
We: But Gary claims he hasn't received it from you yet.
Rishi: This is just another one of Gary's underhanded tactics to manipulate the media. Everybody thinks he's such a great guy. Well, I hear he sleeps with inflatable sheep. In fact, I KNOW he sleeps with one because Burr gave it to him. I think they have a thing for one another.
We: So Gary has the trophy then?
Rishi: I answered this question already.
We: Because others claim you still have it..
Rishi: Look, are you stupid? I TOLD you he has it. Gary is nothing more than a stinking liar.
We: But isn't that the trophy in your car?
Rishi: HEY $#(& you MAN just $(*& you, you %@^!*@#ing nothing son of a $#*&...
Our newspaper never saw young We again.
