Look, a lot of us are meeting for the first time here. So, how are you going to gain an early foothold during the auction and establish your dominance? By INTIMIDATION, that's how. Now, some of you (Gary Blanchard) feel it's intimidating to bring dolls or figurines to the draft. Hint: Not cool. We're all going to laugh at you, Gar. What's worse, some of you are completely spine-less: Kwan, Josh, David.. so you guys need whatever little help you can get to intimidate. Here's some ideas to help you (women) out:
- Dress in all black (I tried this last year, and I intimidated everyone into letting me pick McGwire in like the 10th round.. now that's browbeating, baby!)
- Bring Ron Schandler's Secret Stategy Guide (thereby proving you're a woman with no ideas of your own.. Griffey will vouch for me on this one).
- Say "OOOoooohhh.. you overpaid" after every pick.
- Wear sunglasses. Always.
- Halfway through, flip the table. Then sit calmly back down in your chair. People will think you're fucked up, trust me.
- Don't talk to anyone. Ever. Only use hand signals to make your bids.
- Punch Grindley. Randomly.
- When no one's looking, grab the trophy and jump out the window.
- Mention that you're a six-time champion. A lot. (Ahem.. GLENN)
- Name all the Lucky Charms marshmellows backwards and forwards (Ahem.. GLENN)
- Refer to yourself in the 3rd person. Always.
- Constantly stare at the person to your left. Right as he's about to bid say, "I love you" and place your hand on his thigh. This will work especially well if Kwan is to your left.
All right, this was quick and dirty, but I hope that's helpful for some you guys out there. We all have our weaknesses and you just need to exploit them.. Kwan's is homosexuality, mine is brunettes, and David's is Kwan. Use it to your advantage.
P.S. - That's me in the picture, Gar in the background, and Burr on the ground.
