[There’s a crackle of static and the lounge of Richter-2 appears. There is no sunlight coming from the windows. Loree is standing in the middle of the room. The couch is missing.]

Loree: Do not adjust your television set. Welcome to a special edition of “We’re Richter, Too!” Tonight we’re going to show the second half of “Predator and Prey: A Love Story.” We were fortunate that the damage done by Susan and Chris was reparable.

[The camera zooms out to show Dave working with his equipment. And the sofa, which is now barricading the door.]

Dave: Thank goodness. This stuff’s expensive.

Loree: And we are fortunate to have had a backup copy of the tape.

Dave: We use to have multiple backups, but only one survived.

Loree: Let this be a lesson to put everything important in a safety deposit box.

Dave: Why are they so desperate to destroy this, anyways? You never told me. Sure this stuff I’ve seen so far is embarrassing, but I’ve seen them do worse.

Loree: You’ll see. Now start the tape.

[Someone can be heard struggling with the door. There’s a loud banging.]

Chris: What are you doing in there, Dave? Why did you get up in the middle of the night?

[Dave’s ears stand straight up and he starts to panic.]

Dave: NOTHING!! Loree and I are definitely NOT showing the rest of you movie you tried to destroy!

[There’s silence for a moment, and then the banging begins anew, louder and harder than before.]

Chris: Let me in right NOW or the authorities will never be able to find your remains!

Loree: Never! The story must be told!

Chris: Open up! Let me in!

Loree: Not by the hairs on this chinny chinchilla!

[A new voice is heard on the other side of the door.]

Susan: What the hell do you think you’re doing, you crazy canine? I’m trying to sleep.

WHACK!

Chris: Ow! They locked me out and they have another tape!

Loree: These walls won’t keep them out forever. Start the tape, Dave. While we still have time.

Dave: Why do I get involved in these things?

[He pushes a button and the movie restarts where it left off.]

Fred: Dude, she only seems that way when she’s around you.

Chris: Do you mean to say that she is capable of being pleasant? Don’t make me laugh.

[Susan skips by with a smile on her face, paying no heed to the argument. Chris, Dave, and Fred stare after her.]

Dave: That’s the happiest and most pleasant I’ve ever seen her. She didn’t even glare at Chris as she went by.

Fred: Far out, man. She’s, like, totally serene.

Chris: I’ll fix that. [shouts after Susan] Hey Susan! You shouldn’t move like that in that outfit. You’ll scare somebody. Some things are starting to bounce loose.

[Susan stops, adjusts her clothing, and continues on. No longer skipping, but with a noticeable spring in her step. She enters her room.]

Chris: What? No slap? No snappy comeback? Not even an evil look? Who’s that squirrel and what did they do to the Susan I know and hate.

Dave: I don’t believe it. She didn’t even threaten you.

[Loree runs up to the group. She’s very excited.]

Loree: Isn’t it wonderful? She just told me that she has a date with Mikey! She’s so happy, I can hardly recognize her!

Chris: What?! That’s impossible! I’ve worked so long and hard trying to find someone who would go out with me and she just goes up and gets a date with that moronic kangaroo!? How could she have beaten me? It’s not fair!

Loree: I think someone’s jealous.

Chris: You’re ^$%* right I’m jealous!

[Chris stomps off in a rage, Dave follows him. They go into their room. Chris sits on his bed. No longer angry, just despondent.]

Chris: Is there something wrong with me, Dave? How come Susan succeeded where I have failed so many times?

Dave: I can think of two reasons. One, you were asking the wrong girls. I don’t think you ever really cared about any of them, and they could tell. You stink at hiding your feelings. You do care about Lisa. That’ll make a difference, I bet.

Chris: [smiling softly] You’re right. This time it’ll be different. Everything will work out. I’m sure of it.

Dave: So what are you going to do?

Chris: [standing up] I’m going upstairs right now and I’m going to ask her out.

Dave: So are you going to stop this nutty hormone scheme?

Chris: Leon already ran off. Let him have his fun. If he does it correctly, the worst that can happen is that Susan will be in for a wild ride much sooner than she could have dreamed.

Dave: And making Susan incredibly happy doesn’t bother you?

Chris: It does, but I’m feeling magnanimous.

[Chris walks out the door, confident he’ll succeed. He pokes head back in a couple seconds later.]

Chris: What’s the second reason?

Dave: Huh?

Chris: You said there were two reasons.

Dave: Oh. The second reason is that you’re male and Susan’s female. Like all things involving men and women, women hold the high cards. If a guy asks a girl out, he has a good chance of being rejected, but how many times have you heard of a guy rejecting a girl that was coming on to him?

Chris: Only Mikey. I like the first reason better.

Dave: Thought you would. Good luck with Lisa.

[Chris goes up the stairwell to the third floor. He stops and looks around a bit. I’ve kindly put his thoughts into italics also.]

Chris: Weird. It’s like the second floor, but it isn’t. And it’s quiet. Too quiet. They’re usually so loud it’s impossible to not hear them. What’s going on?

[Chris walks down the hall and stops, looking at one of the doors.]

Chris: Oh, I see. Someone sealed shut all the doors save Mikey’s by tying a rope from one door handle to another. They’ve been locked in their rooms all day. Who would do this? Ha, serves most of ‘em right. I do hope Lisa’s okay, though.

[He walks to the end of the hallway and stops in front of Lisa and Cindy’s room.]

Chris: Sheesh. Whoever did this really didn’t want Lisa and/or Cindy to come out. Two ropes, completely wrapped with duct tape.

[Chris pulls out a pocket knife with serrated blade and starts sawing. He soon removes the ropes.]

Chris: All right, this is it. No going back now.

[Chris knocks on the door.]

Lisa: Who’s there? Let us out!

[Chris opens the door.]

Chris: Hi, my name’s-

[Lisa leaps out of the door and tackles Chris, while Cindy walks out as quickly as she can and still retain her dignity.]

Lisa: [tightly hugging Chris] Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!

Chris: Urk! No problem. Well, this is a good start. I could do this forever.

Lisa: Be right back!

[Lisa dashes down the hall, following Cindy. They both go down the stairwell. Being locked in your room ever since you got up can make you really have to go.]

Chris: Er, I’ll be right here.

[Chris walks into the now open room and looks around.]

Chris: This bookshelf must be Lisa’s. Lots of plushies and books, plays mostly. Let’s see, Shakespeare, but no tragedies other than Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet. Stoppard, Beckett, some other people I don’t recognize. Some poetry, some literature, thank God, no Hemingway. I can’t stand him. What’s this? All sorts of strange stuff on this shelf. “The Complete Works of Nicholas Ball” and “Laziness Shall Not Be Tolerated by C. J. Garver”? Loxley? Who the hell are they? No science fiction, though. Oh well, no one’s perfect.

[His gaze then moves to the collection of stuffed animals.]

Chris: Aw, how cute. There’s an orange kitty, a red birdie perched on a coffee mug, a brown bull and a white mare nuzzling each other, a lion with it’s head in a doll house toilet, a lizard with sunglasses, and a tiny gray mouse clutching a miniature clipboard. And there is also a kangaroo wearing a sweatshirt inside a glass case with heart stickers all over the outside. Not good.

[Lisa walks back in the room, looking much more relaxed.]

Lisa: Thank you so much for opening the door. Who are you anyway? Are you a maintenance worker? You don’t look like one.

Chris: She’s talking to me! Quick, say something! My name’s Chris Morrison. I live on the second floor.

Lisa: [blank look] Where?

Chris: Is it really so hard a concept? The second floor.

[Lisa continues to stare]

Chris: You know. The place where your bathroom is.

Lisa: You live there?

Chris: Yes.

Lisa: In the bathroom?

Chris: This is getting me no where. Let’s change the subject. Never mind. Are you all right? What happened here?

Lisa: We’re much better now, thanks to you. I really don’t know what happened here. When we woke up, we couldn’t open the door. We tried to call for help, but everyone else was locked in, too.

Chris: Didn’t you try phoning for help?

Lisa: Yes, but the people at 911 have stopped taking our calls.

Chris: So that’s why the police never respond to my claims of a vulpecidal squirrel. That would have been nice to know last month.

[Lisa walks over to her shelf.]

Lisa: I saw you looking at my collection. Aren’t they so kyooot?

Chris: [grinning] Although it is pretty un-masculine for me to say so, I’ll admit they’re pretty cute. You’re cuter, though. I’ve never seen anything cuter.

Lisa: You must be kidding. I’m a mess. I haven’t even showered yet.

Chris: Of course not. Imperfection is what makes people seem real. Besides, you’d probably slap me if I said you looked disgusting. Okay, time to make my move. Deep breath and… [Chris looks at his watch.] It’s almost one. Since you haven’t eaten, why don’t you join me for lunch? I could use some company.

Lisa: Thanks for the offer, but I was planning to eat with Damon today.

Chris: [He takes off his hat, sits on a bed, and looks down] Oh, I see.

Lisa: Well, you seem nice and all…and I’ve already missed my lunch with Damon.

[Chris does the big-puppy-eye thing and looks up at Lisa. The cuteness is too much for her. She hugs him.]

Lisa: Aww, of course I’ll join you.

Chris: [surprised] You will? She said yes! I don’t believe it! How’d I do it? And why do my eyes hurt?

Lisa: Yes. Come on, let’s go eat.

[Lisa leads Chris out of the room. He has a stupid grin on his face.]

Chris: Woohoo!

[They walk down the hall, Cindy can be seen struggling with the rope on Tony’s door. Chris tosses her his pocket knife. The other residents have heard the activity in the hall and are demanding to be let out.]

Brad and Kevin: Let me out! I can’t stand being in here with him anymore!

Tony: Relax, guys. We’ll be out soon.

Biff: I don’t deserve this. I wuz framed. The keg appeared in here all by itself.

Dani: Keg!? Let me out so I can crush his skull!

Biff: Never mind, I like it in here.

Chris: [grins] This is turning out to be my kinda day.

[Fade to black. New scene. Mikey Hunt, Day One. It’s early morning the next day. Leon is hiding in some bushes along side a side walk. He’s still in his combat gear and is cleaning and working on the dart pistol Chris gave him. As he works, a prayer can barely be heard coming from his mouth.]

Leon: …the enemy avert thine eye…

[A brown hand clasps Leon’s shoulder. He jerks with surprise, firing the pistol. A “Yipe!” can be heard in the distance.]

Leon: DAAH!! Don’t DO that you blasted doe!

Jen: How did you know it was me?

Leon: Who else would pester me?

Jen: Somebody needs to keep you out of trouble. And you’ve already pegged a poor wolf with that ghastly toy.

Leon: The only person who would have been shot would have been Mikey, if you hadn’t surprised me. And besides, they’re only darts, not bullets.

Jen: [sarcastic] Oh, sorry, that’s much better. What’s in them anyway?

[Leon pulls out another dart and reads the label, before loading it into the pistol.]

Leon: Testosterone. I guess Chris wants Mikey randy enough to go out with Susan. Won’t work, of course, since Mikey’s gay.

Jen: I doubt he’s gay.

Leon: Of course he’s gay! It’s Mikey! He has to be gay. He is abnormal in every way.

Jen: [grinning] And that’s why he’s straight.

Leon: Ha ha. Think you’re funny, do ya? How about we make a little wager?

Jen: What kind of wager?

Leon: Well seeing as how Mikey will soon be very interested in this matter himself, we follow him around and see how he goes about solving this little problem.

Jen: And if you’re right?

Leon: Simply you admitting I’m right is enough for me.

Jen: That’s mean. What’s in it for me?

Leon: Name your terms.

Jen: All right. Let’s see…How about you march with me in the homosexual rights demonstration next month.

Leon: You play dirty, but seeing as how I know I’m going to win, you’re on.

[They shake hands. They wait quietly for another few minutes. A peculiar “thud-flap” sound can be heard. Soon, Mikey jogs by. When he passes, Leon jumps out of the bushes and shoots him in the back. Mikey jumps up and starts flailing his arms, running away even faster than usual. Leon pauses to admire his handiwork.]

Mikey: AAAHH! KILLER BEES!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

Leon: [snickering] Beautiful shot. Why haven’t I ever thought of doin’ this before?

[There’s a screeching noise, and a voice shouts from off camera.]

voice: HEADS UP!

[Leon turns to find the source of the noise, which immediately smashes him into the pavement. The muscular wolf on the bike that just put a serious dent in Leon, helps him up. He speaks with an incredibly thick Yankee twang. I’d type it, but I don’t know how. So just use your imagination.]

wolf: You all right? I could hardly see you in that camouflage.

[Leon gets up putting his hand on his head. He’s dazed and confused, but his army duds protected him from the worst of the blow.]

Leon: Er, I think I’m alright. What happened again?

Wolf: I almost killed you by hitting you with my bike.

Leon: Oh yeah. Now I remember. I think.

Wolf: You don’t look so good. Let me help you to the health center.

Leon: I’ll be alright, I’ve had worse. Thanks for the offer though.

Wolf: Well at least let me get you something to eat. The name’s Calvin Grant by the way. You can call me Cal.

[They shake hands.]

Leon: Leon Lee. And I have no objection to people buying me food.

Cal: [smiling] Great. I’ll meet you later at Diego’s. How about 12:30?

Leon: Sure.

[Cal gets back on his bike and pedals off. Jen climbs out of the bushes, smiling.]

Jen: Made a new friend?

Leon: He seems nice enough. Not many people are as polite as he is anymore. And I never turn down a free lunch.

Jen: Say, have you ever had the feeling that you somehow stumbled into something that you don’t belong in?

Leon: No. Why do you ask?

Jen: No reason. Can I shoot Mikey tomorrow?

Leon: No. I’m a trained professional.

Jen: Don’t you mean half-trained pre-professional? You haven’t graduated yet.

Leon: Close enough.

[Later that day, in the lounge of Richter-2. Darryl walks in and sees the bizarre situation of Chris and Susan together in the same room and happy. Susan is doing calisthenics, while Chris appears to be reading Shakespearean sonnets.]

Darryl: What’s going on here? What are you two up to?

Chris: What do you mean?

Susan: We’re not doing anything wrong.

Darryl: [perplexed] I guess not. Carry on then.

[Darryl walks out of the lounge. He goes down the hall and enters the kitchenette. Dave and Elsa are in there.]

Darryl: Did I miss something? What’s wrong with them?

Dave: It’s something isn’t it? Both of them are so ecstatic about their new relationships that they are too happy to hate each other.

Elsa: I think it’s vonderful. I’m happy that they’re happy and not hurting each other anymore. Maybe they’ll even become friends now.

Darryl: Friends? Them? Never. And what relationships are you talking about?

Dave: Somebody’s been left out of the gossip. Fill him in, Elsa.

Elsa: You’ve heard about Susan’s crush on Mikey, right?

Darryl: Yeah.

Elsa: Well, she asked Mikey out yesterday and he said yes. Their date is this Thursday.

Darryl: Mikey said yes? What kind of date is this?

Elsa: I think they’re going to the gym together.

Darryl: Well, that does sound like Mikey, but I doubt he’ll consider it a date. Okay, so Susan’s happy because she thinks she has a date with Mikey. What about Chris?

Dave: Hearing about Susan’s success, he decided to go and ask Lisa out the same day. He took her to lunch downtown. From what he told me, everything seemed to be going pretty well. He’s taking her out again later this week.

Darryl: Lisa is something of a flirt. I’m not too surprised she went with him. Any guy that’s muscular enough, which Chris isn’t, or fluffy and cute enough, which Chris probably is, would get accepted if they were nice enough. So both of them think they are in a long lasting relationship. I doubt the people upstairs regard their respective relationships the same way Chris and Susan do.

Elsa: Give them time.

Dave: They’re both pretty cute when they’re happy and upbeat. They have a good shot.

Darryl: You know that if one of these relationships falls apart, the other will be an irresistible target for the newfound bitterness of the person who failed.

Elsa: Don’t be so gloomy. You should be happy for them.

Darryl: I am. Especially because if they don’t fight anymore, it eliminates the primary source of damage for me to repair. Well, besides the stuff the third floor does of course.

Dave: Of course.

Darryl: Perhaps this is the beginning of a new era in floor relations. Surely they’ll acknowledge our existence if two of their residents are going out with two of ours.

Dave: I’d hope so.

Darryl: Perhaps, following our lovebirds’ example, we can learn to live together in peace and harmony.

Elsa: Maybe ve’ll even appear in the strip someday.

Darryl: Bah, who am I trying to fool? It’d never happen. We’ll always be “second floor, second best.”

Dave: Yeah, you’re right.

[Leon and Jennifer walk already in the middle of a conversation.]

Leon: Of course I’m going to see Cal again. He’s of the few people in this college that treats me nicely and actually gives me respect. Besides, I really want to see that movie. I can’t stand going to movies by myself and none of you want to see “Panzers Forward”.

Darryl: No money.

Dave: Can’t stand blood.

Elsa: I avoid movies vith Nazis.

Leon: See?

Jen: I’m not arguing, I’m just saying I don’t think you and Calvin will get along well.

Leon: And why is that?

Jen: I think he’s batting for the other team.

Leon: I’m not going to hold that against him. The War of Northern Aggression ended a long time ago. I don’t have any problem with Yankees.

Jen: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[Leon leaves the room.]

Jen: [grinning] Boy, is he in for a surprise.

Darryl: I don’t think I want to know.

Jen: So, how is our love-smitten squirrel doing? Pity she’s straight. She looked quite fetching in that outfit yesterday.

Elsa: Susan’s fine and is as happy as a squirrel can be. She’s brushing up on her aerobics.

Dave: Chris, too. He’s been reading a lot of Shakespeare recently.

Jen: Really? Why’s Chris so happy?

Dave: Lisa. She’s going out with him.

Jen: Aw, how sweet, both of our floor’s misfits have found the loves of their lives.

Darryl: I don’t think Lisa and Mikey know it yet, though.

[Fade to black. Back in the bushes. Mikey Hunting: Day Four. Leon and Jen are there once again, lying in wait for the fleet-footed menace.]

Leon: You know, once you get used to it, getting up this early isn’t so bad.

Jen: How was the movie last night?

Leon: I don’t think war movies are his kind of thing. He had a disturbing habit of clutching me whenever something blew up. And in any good war movie, lots of stuff blows up.

Jen: Still think you’re going to win that bet? He hasn’t shown any interest at all in women so far.

Leon: He’s not acting differently at all. I think this stuff Chris gave me is defective or something.

Jen: Give it another day or two. Wait, here he comes.

[Mikey jogs past. Once more, Leon leaps out of the bushes. However, Mikey turns around.]

Mikey: Ah ha! I knew something was up after being stung in the back three times at the same time each day for three days straight! I’m going to have to report you to the authorities for this.

Leon: Er…

Mikey: What do you think you’re doing anyway? Have you no explanation for your violent behavior? Do you know how much you’ve disrupted my schedule?

Leon: Uhm…

Mikey: [frustrated with Leon’s unresponsiveness] Look, just give me that filthy thing and I’ll let you go.

Leon: [sighs] Fine. You caught me. Here.

[He hands the pistol to Mikey.]

Leon: Look, there’s one thing I want to ask you. Are you gay?

[Mikey stares at Leon flatly for a moment, then pulls back a fist and socks Leon in the jaw. Utterly unprepared, Leon falls to the ground. Mikey jogs off. Jen climbs out of the bushes and stares down at Leon.]

Leon: …ow…

Jen: I’d say that’s a no.

Leon: [from the ground] Doesn’t count, he may be denying it.

Jen: Well, at least we know the testosterone has had some effect. I’ve never seen him hit anyone before.

Leon: [gets up] We should watch him while it’s still in his system. I’ll win that bet yet.

Jen: Never!

[Both of them dash off in the direction Mikey went. Later that day, back in the dorm. Dave and Elsa are talking in the hallway.]

Dave: Ugh, I don’t think I can stand it anymore. Those two are so saccharine it’s making me sick.

Elsa: Ja, Susan even told me she’s decided to switch from Pathology to Pediatrics.

Dave: You, think that’s bad? Chris got rid of all his genetics and biological warfare stuff and is now studying cancer drugs.

Elsa: And it’s so dull around here now. I kind of miss the old Susan and Chris.

[Leon walks by, holding an icepack on his head. He’s mumbling to himself.]

Leon: What have I done? I’ve created a monster. Why didn’t I just say no?

[Jen follows him, clutching her stomach. Dave and Elsa stare after them. They stumble into their respective rooms.]

Elsa: What have they been doing?

Dave: To be honest, I can’t remember. Besides, it’s not as though Leon has never pissed anyone off before.

Elsa: Yes, but Jennifer, too?

[Dave shrugs his shoulders. Susan skips up to the pair.]

Susan: Elsa, I need to borrow some clothes for tomorrow.

Elsa: Certainly. Excited about your date tomorrow?

Susan: Of course, silly. I’ll finally be with the marsupial of my dreams.

Elsa: Be sure to tell me all about it tomorrow night.

Susan: I’ll try.

[Skip to late Thursday night. We are back at the restaurant the movie started in. Leon and Jennifer are sitting at the bar.]

Leon: Well at least Mikey should be back to normal in a day or two. That’s the best thing I can say about today. Which is pretty pathetic, since I can’t stand normal Mikey.

Jen: You didn’t lose the bet.

Leon: I didn’t win either. [sips his soda] Something is seriously wrong with that kangaroo.

Jen: Maybe it’s something we’re not meant to know. Maybe this is one of those things we’re supposed ponder the rest of our lives.

Leon: God, I hope not. I refuse to spend anymore time or energy trying to find out what pushes his buttons.

Jen: Speaking of which, how’s Cal?

Leon: I was wondering how long it would be before you brought that disaster up.

Jen: [smiling] I warned you. He seemed quite upset when I last saw him. I take it you weren’t very empathic.

Leon: It surprised me. I can’t stand being around people like that, especially after being deceived for so long.

Jen: You’re talking to me aren’t you?

Leon: You have the benefits of being female and pretty. That, and you’d probably hurt me if I didn’t treat you as if you were a normal person.

Jen: Well, I guess that’s some progress.

[The camera moves to a booth in a corner. Chris and Susan are there, staring into their drinks.]

Chris: I hate you. Everything was going so well, and then you had to go and screw it all up.

Susan: Not my fault Mikey turned out to be such an aggressive jerk. Something must have happened to him. He wasn’t himself.

Chris: Lisa just left me standing out in the rain when she heard Mikey’s screams of pain echoing across campus. I waited, but she never returned. Unsurprising, considering her last words were, “Not my precious Mikey!” Why did you have to go and PMS like that?

Susan: I thought it would be impossible for me to get mad at him, even then, but he was acting like some immature junior high student. Like he’d just started puberty.

[Chris stares guiltily into his drink.]

Susan: Somehow, this is all your fault.

Chris: My fault?! You’re the one who used exercise equipment on Mikey in ways the designers never dreamed of except in their most vivid nightmares! [smiling] Wish I was there to see it though. Have they gotten him out yet?

Susan: They had to get the Jaws of Life. Don’t change the subject. I’m almost certain you had something to do with this. You must have changed him from the wonderful ‘roo I once knew.

Chris: Face it. He never cared about you.

Susan: As if Lisa ever took you seriously. At least I wasn’t immediately dumped as soon as someone cuter screamed for assistance.

[Both fall silent and resume sulking and being depressed. Doby walks up and sits down at the booth, apparently sober.]

Doby: You two need some cheering up. How about you come with me to this awesome party on Kingston Street? It’s going to be wild.

Susan: I’m not into that kind of thing and I don’t think Chris could handle it.

Chris: Yeah, I just make intoxicants. I don’t use ‘em. Wait, was that an insult?

Doby: It’ll help you forget your pains and troubles.

Chris and Susan: Great! Let’s go!

[The next morning in Richter Hall. Susan suddenly snaps up in her bed.]

Susan: I’m never doing that again! I just had the most horrible nightmare!

Chris: [sleepily] Huh?

Susan: AAUUGH!! OUT! OUT!

Chris: Wha- AAAHH!

[She kicks the sleepy fox out her bed. Unfortunately for Chris, her bed is the top bunk of a bunk bed. He lands on the ground with a loud thud. To maintain a proper rating, Susan is covering herself with a sheet, while Chris is wearing boxers.]

Chris: Ow.

[He hastily puts on his shirt and pants which were on the floor. Chris and Susan stare at each other for a moment.]

Susan: I didn’t enjoy it a bit.

Chris: Me neither.

Susan: Good!

[Another awkward pause.]

Chris: I’m going to get Doby for this.

Susan: Me, too! We’ll be sure to embarrass him publicly.

[There’s a knocking on the door.]

Elsa: Vill you let me in now Susan? I vas forced to sleep in the lounge. Vhat vere you doing last night?

[Both panic. Chris tries to hide in a closet, but Susan quickly puts on a lab coat as a robe and drags him to the window. They whisper to each other.]

Chris: This a good idea?

Susan: It’s only two stories, you’ll survive, unfortunately.

[Chris gives her a quick peck on the cheek.]

Susan: I hate you.

Chris: Of course. See you later, Snookums.

[Susan roughly shoves him out the window. She then opens the door and lets Elsa in.]

WHUMP

Elsa: So what did you do after that disastrous date?

Susan: Uh, I locked myself in here and cried myself to sleep.

Elsa: Say, aren’t those Chris’ glasses and baseball cap?

Susan: Of course, Chris will be miserable without them.

Elsa: Glad to see you’re back to your old self.

[Elsa opens her closet and pulls out some clothes. Susan quickly tosses the offending articles out the window.]

Susan: Right.

[End of tape. Loree and Dave are still there, nothing has changed. Dave is laughing.]

Dave: [chuckling] They make a cute couple. No wonder they wanted this tape destroyed. They’d die if anyone even suspected they might care about each other.

Loree: Isn’t it sweet?

[A window smashes and Susan climbs in.]

Loree: You’re too late. The deed has been done!

[Susan panics.]

Susan: What?! No! [turning towards the camera] It’s a lie! All of it!

[Chris climbs in.]

Chris: We were drunken and lonely. We couldn’t control our actions.

[Susan shoves Chris back out the window.]

Chris: Not AGAAAIIIINN!!

WHUMP

Susan: [pointing at Loree] She made it all up so she could get better ratings!

Loree: [smiling sweetly] And that’s all we have time for today. “We’re Richter, Too!” is a proud production DeMontfort Public Television. Remember that this show depends on hopefully increasing funding from the University and continued support from-

Susan: [sulking] –viewers like you.

[Chris pokes head back through the window.]

Chris: That was my line, you wretched rodent.

[Fade to black.]