Wolf News 24

Welcome to Wolf News, voted America's most trusted newscast by Wolf News and Associates for the past fifteen years. Here are your hosts Bob Smith and Jane Johnson:

Bob: In Today's news: Terror threat in River City. A postal worker found an open letter containing a powdery white substance while loading packaging in the post office. He contacted the terror squad immediately. The substance was later found to be paper scraps.

Jane: Also, sexual predators on the loose! And the government's not cracking down! Our government is leaving people like YOU at risk with these beasts. Today Mark Martin, eighteen, wrongfully seduced and had statutory relations with his seventeen year-old-girlfriend, Michelle Green. People like Mark could be lurking in your city, preying on unsuspecting youths. If you see anyone suspicious, contact your local police agency by calling 1-800-FEAR-FEAR.

Bob: That is just awful, Jane. Our government is just so horrible. I mean, those damn liberals are letting all these felons free in YOUR town. In other events, we have a Wolf News exclusive undercover investigation: John Kerry's secret affair. Did you know John Kerry dated a woman ten years younger than her, and had sex with her out of wedlock? Do you want a president like that? I mean, we're an objective news source, but what he did was awful, and shows that democrats are just horrible. Later in this news cast, you'll see what I mean, and then let's see if you'll still vote Kerry.

Bob: In other news, a cop shot and killed a runaway criminal. Raquel Robinson was in the store buying a candy bar when the store clerk, Jack Armstrong called police saying he was being held at gunpoint. Robinson waited patiently, insisting that he was unarmed and only wanted to buy a candy bar. When the cops arrived, Robinson allegedly told them not to shoot and began to walk out of the store. But the cops, out of self-defense, shot the 22-year-old criminal in the head, killing him. No charges will be filed.

Jane: Yeah, I'd be scared too if I were the clerk. Ha ha ha. We're going to take a short break now, but later in this newscast, lusty new lipstick styles to wow your man!

Back to PCHS for another day