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Cartoons

The Japanese always seem to be coming up with new inventions!

Jokes! No offense to Collingwood supporters, I just thought it was funny :)

Three surgeons are discussing their preferred patient on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like accountants the best. Their organs are all numbered and easy to find in a logical system". The second surgeon says, "I like librarians... their internal organs are all catalogued alphabetically and so easy to work with". The last surgeon says, "I like collingwood supporters. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and most of all their arses are interchangeable with the faces".

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Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or dad. Or it could be my older sister Alison. Or maybe my older brother Ho-Chu-Cha. But i think it might be Alison.

***

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally the guy interrupts, “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk!”

***

Three couples, one newlywed, one married for 17 years, and one very elderly couple go into a church and ask the Minister to join his congregation. They are all told the same response, that they must pass a test of faith to be welcome in his church. The test is that they must refrain from sex for 30 days, and to come back and see him then.

30 days goes by, and the elderly couple come in. “Well, how did it go?” asks the Minister. “We haven’t had sex in 30 years, sir” “ Well then, your are welcome in my church” replies the Minister. The many years married couple come in, and replied that it was a bit edgy around the 20 day mark, but managed to abstain from sex as a test of faith. The Minister replied “Congratulations, you are welcome in our church”. Later that day, the newlywed couple show up. “How did it go”, asked the Minister. “Well, we quite managed to not have sex for 18 days, as we really wanted to join this church, sir, but the 19th day, she was bending over the freezer, picking up a pot roast , wearing this little black miniskirt, and, well, I just couldn’t help it, I gave it to her , right then and there.” “Well, I’m sorry, then , you still haven’ t passed the test of faith, so you are not yet welcome in our church”. replies the Minister. “That’s OK”, says the man, “We aren’t welcome in the grocery store anymore either.”

***

A man is sitting at a bar, when all the sudden the man sitting next to him looks over and in a thick Irish accent says, "You see that building over there? You see it?" "Yes," the other man says "I built that building with me own two hand, and do they call me Willie the contractor?...NO." He continued "Do you see this bar, see this bar here in front of us, I built this bar with me own two hands...but do they call me Willie the carpenter?...NO." Still he went on, "Do you see this floor do see this floor here we are sittin on?...I built this floor with me own two hands but do they call me Willie the Masonry?...No" He waits a minute wobbling in his drunkenness and point a finger in the mans face and exclaims, "But you fuck ONE goat...

***

This has got to be one of the funniest stories I've heard in a long time and, I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story, from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed, from a recording, monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause." The following is an actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappear."

"Hmmm. So what does you screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does you monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know?"

"Well. Then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so"

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer"

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window"

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't "

"No, why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.....a power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes I keep them in the closet"

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer"

***

A rich white man in Richmond, Virginia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool!"

***

Freedom is choice... the choice to express your mind and to see the world for what it truly is. Right now you have two pills to choose from a blue one and a white one. Choose the blue one and you will grow a penis on your forehead, choose the other and you will enter a world you have never seen... i think, cause i found it on the floor at this rave last week.

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Two fat blokes are in a pub and one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you you fat bastard."

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Email: snodge19@hotmail.com

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