I Married a Plant Junkie
by Bob Garrett
I should have known I was in for trouble on the honeymoon. Granted, I had always known that my wife enjoyed plants, but what she would do to get a sample...perhaps I should start at the beginning.
Tanya and I were married on May 22, 1993 after a four and a half year engagement. I had planned what I thought was the perfect honeymoon (in our price range at least!). We would drive to Portage and take the train to Whittier. After staying the night there, we would board the MV Bartlett for a ferry trip to Valdez. The next morning we would drive homeward as far as Cooper Landing, treating ourselves to a night at the Princess Lodge. The official honeymoon ended the next day, and we planned to spend the rest of our week off getting our new apartment in order. Little did I know...
The wedding went well, and we drove off to Portage in my big four-door Ford. Getting off the train in Whittier, we found that the hotel at which I had prepaid for a room had closed. I was a little disturbed, but we managed to get the only available room in the only other hotel in town. This wasn't my first trip to this quaint little town, but Ivowed that it would be the last one I made without some sort of RV. The next day, we boarded the Bartlett and made the trip to Valdez. Though an intriguing and enjoyable journey, unfortunately a description of it is unnecessary to the story. That night we stayed at a comfortable little inn in Valdez. The next day began THE ORDEAL.
We arose to a cool, misty day. After breakfast we threw our bags in the car and started homeward. We made it up through Thompson pass without incident though I nearly sideswiped a tractor trailer belonging to Warner Brothers. We were also run out of the Worthington Glacier rest area by the same people. It turns out we were driving through the set of the movie “On Deadly Ground”. They were getting ready to cause an avalanche and didn't want anyone to get hurt.
The weather got better after the pass, and I really started to enjoy the drive. I was not worried about time because the trip is less mileage than a drive to Fairbanks from Soldotna. I can make that run in under eight hours (how much under I refuse to reveal on the grounds that it may incriminate me). Clicking along at fifty-five, I take Tanya's silent, intense look out the window to be a sign of contentment. All of a sudden she screams "Oh, STOP!"
I immediately go into cardiac arrest and clamp on the binders. I bring my big beast of a car to a stop in a cloud of black smoke. Before we're even stopped, the passenger door opens and out pops my wife. She is gone for roughly half a minute as the smell of burnt rubber permeates the car, and I try to get my breathing back to normal. When she hops back in she is holding something green and purple with roots attached. "Look; its a Saxifraga Oppostifolia, more commonly called a Mountain Saxifrage. I've been needing one of these for my specimen collection.”
After looking at her beaming face in bewilderment for several moments, I finally formed a response. "You mean you scared me to death and burned a quarter inch of tread off the tires for a bloody flower?!” Never mind the fact that to this day I haven't figure out how a woman who has to have moose pointed out to her can spot a three inch plant thirty yards off the road at sixty miles per hour.
"Well, in a manner of speaking; yes. Sorry I startled you, but don't you think it's a wonderful sample?" She dimpled. I decided that keeping my mouth shut was the best idea, and brought the car back up to highway speed
"Next time, how 'bout just a little more lead time?" I asked.
"Sure, but it would help if you didn't drive so fast. Pretend were driving out Mystery Creek.” Once again I decide to keep my big yap shut. When I'm out Mystery Creek my speed never hits double digits.
The next time she pointed out a stopping place, I wasn't startled much. Well, at least I didn't have to smell burnt rubber this time (good thing too; one more stop like that first one, and we would have been on the steel belts). I began to get used to the little stops every couple miles.
Having forgot to bring her collecting and mounting supplies, Tanya used a pocket knife and a Ziploc bag to keep everything in. Seeing her use the little Kershaw for everything from a spade to a saw, I realized why the blade always needed sharpening. Now she consulted the Milepost and pointed out a few minor detours she wanted to make. Most of them were fine, but on one I began to wish I had borrowed my father's 4 x 4 for this trip.
One detour that even I enjoyed was at Copper Center. We stopped at the National Park Headquarters for the Wrangell Mountains. Here we viewed all the wildlife displays and saw a nice presentation on the area. Also here I made a smart purchase. I bought Tanya a book on the flora of the area. When we got back on the road she only devoted half of her time to looking for new specimens. The other half was spent trying to identify some of her finds with the new book. The panic stops were less frequent.
The day went on in such a fashion. Every so often, I would stop and Tanya would scurry up a hill or down into a swamp or whatever it took to get to a new plant. Mountain Sorrel, Golden Corydolis, Bitter Cress, and the Lord knew what else fell prey to her prying fingers. We finally rolled into the Princess Lodge several hours later than I had planned. I also had one very tired bride on my hands.
The next day we made a straight shot run on to Soldotna, and I figured that Tanya would be content with her finds, at least for a while. Not so! The very next day she was questing down by the river at the park my parent’s took care of. She also announced that she would be taking a trip up the Denali Highway later in the summer. A-ha! I figured that once she took the trip, I could get her back into a semblance of a "normal" life.
The time of the big trip came, and I lived a bachelor's life for several days. However, I didn't live that way as long as I had expected. The trip was cut short by a day due to weather and I had my house cleaning methods found out. After much sarcasm and gnashing of teeth I was forgiven, though the apartment smelled of Pine-Sol for several days afterward.
Besides the usual "How was your trip?” answers, I didn't hear about plants for several days. Thinking I was safe from plants for a while, I planned a trip to Fuller Lakes for Grayling. Once again, I had something to learn.
It was a gorgeous day. The birds were singing, the sun shining, and even the bugs seemed to have taken the day off. With a handgun on my hip, and a fly rod in my hand, I shot up the trail with great expectations. Less than two hundred yards, and I lost my wife. I turned around, and went back several corners and found her. She was squatting over some poor plant trying to identify its genus and species. Tugging her to her feet, I noticed that she had a Ziploc and the constantly dull pocket knife. Oh, boy, I thought, here we go again!
Though the walk took longer than I wanted it to, we were soon enjoying ourselves at the lower lake. I was casting to rising Grayling who snubbed my hand tied Black Gnats, and Tanya was searching the shore for sedges. Eventually, the day cooled off and I caught several pan sized fish. Keeping the two best for dinner, we walked back towards the car. I noticed that Tanya also had her trophys--a nearly full bag of new specimens. It had been a good day for both of us.
Now, several years later, I am resigned to the fact that I married a plant junkie. I make little allowances like figuring extras time into any trip so my wife can collect her plants. Though I personally don't take the interest in plants she does, I enjoy our collecting safaris. They put us out in the Great Outdoors, where I can hunt or fish while she collects. Most importantly, we are out there together.
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