It all started with a typo...

Well, no. It all started with a spliff. Anyway...

This Ictionary is devoted to the weird and wonderful verbal eccentricities that we all spout from time to time, particularly in the form of typos. These are either invented on the spot, meaning and all, or pounced on in newsgroup posts and assigned meanings most appropriate to the word. Etymological information and examples of usage are shown in places where someone's taken the time to think it through. Although only a few people can claim to be authors and compilers of this Ictionary, those people involved in its creation and growth have numbered in the hundreds. I'd like to thank all the contributors, but they are far too numerous to mention. I do flinky flinky dance in all of your general direction, guys. And to all the others, thanks hugely. You know who you are. If anyone has a word they would like to contribute, or if any of you alt.fannies/Chaoticians have noticed some that I've missed, please e-mail to oliver@insolito.com. So, with little further ado:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

A

aaaaaaaard - onomatopoeic expression for being raped repeatedly by a rhinoceros.

ABBAtoir - where one-hit-wonders ultimately end up, after the pub and seaside circuits have finally had enough of them, where they are recycled into a mushy grey gunk that is exported to Uruguay and fed to pigs.

absurb - 1. a feminine hygiene product capable of absorbing the equivalent amount of liquid as is contained in the Thames. 2. mind-bendingly odd things that only ever happen in the suburbs. For example - men eating their wives. And not in a good way.

accelent - a man who fasts 3 days ahead of time.

accidementally - due to a brain fart.

accpeta - that numbed feeling of 'ok, you win' you get when someone from PETA tells you all the 2189532563 reasons not to declaw your cat. While it's on the grill. Marinated in apple cider vinegar.

achievment - it solidifies twice as fast as regular cement. Now that's a good performance.

Achknoledge - a ledge upon which stand many little Scottish dwarves going "Achk, no!".

Ackahol - the kind of drink that is so strong, it makes you make funny faces and say "ACK" after you drink it.

ackhesive - when your child finds the superglue.

acmatic - In the manner of a machine guaranteed to cause personal injury when it malfunctions.

acrobatty - how you get when trying to turn a PDF file into a Word file.

ad naseum - on the nose.

adoored - being attacked by a door.

aes sedia - a little-known medical complaint of the Middle Ages which caused someone's nob to develop eyes, typing skills, and the irritating habit of setting all their news messages to higher priority levels, despite the fact that most people reading will either not notice or not care.

afer - after, but pausing to burn mice and screw neighbours.

afrokinetic - how your hair gets after touching a Van de Graff generator.

afterism - a concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. (cf. aphorism)

Agian - a Greek hero who went where all the others had already been. He spent a lot of time grumbling about Jason.

agress - your girlfriend when she's in a mood with you. Alternatively, anyone female giving you aggro.

ahlfa - half an alfalfa sprout.

airpot - an airport so small the mind boggles. Notably Dyce Airport, which is three sheds nailed together and a single "runway" adapted from a dirt track. This serves Aberdeen, Scotland as well as it can, but for the taxi cost getting there, you might as well take the train to Edinburgh or Glasgow and fly from there. Which in most cases you would probably have to do anyway.

Akward - in the general direction of Ak.

Alba-Celtzer - what the Scots of old took to ease their hangovers.

algarhythm - funky basslines cultivated in fishtanks.

Alhteimer's disease - A rare disease where you forget what time Al is on TV.

alienatic fatigue - tiredness (esp. of limbs) due to a night awake with heavy caffeine intake.

allegator - a large water-bound reptile that reminds you of something that happens in day-to-day life.

Alohargh - a Hawaiian shirt so intensely patterned and coloured that it can be used, Medusa's head-style, as an offensive weapon.

Alteroids - They come bringing a message of universal peace and love and the virtues of fresh minty breath.

altonative - a female American Indian who doesn't sing soprano.

alviarian - a herb common to the grasslands of Outer Mongolia. Noted for its healing properties, especially as applied to migraines.

alwaysthemore - nevertheless.

amadoid - the sort of mindless person who frequents shit nightclubs notwithstanding their being transverbally dull.

amaxing - when you're the most amazed you can possibly be.

ambaud - the approximate mean speed of American political proceedings.

ambrous - almost as though written by Zelazny.

Americnas - they ride around in trams, shouting about Freud.

amnesic reproduction - when your memory is (metaphorically) shagged. As in "I've got a bad case of amnesic reproduction on that score; remind me of what happened again". Often occurs after a good party.

Amorphica - a gloopy, protoplasmic country that slowly gloops its way around the world.

amoung - one of those really cute-looking things you find in gadget stores and buy for people, which they then have no idea where to put, so they wrap it up and give it to someone else, thus sustaining the great chain of crap.

Amousal - Sexual excitement in a rodent.

amusical - An amusingly unmusical musical.

anagramanating - randomly speaking in anagrams due to heavy intoxication.

anal adiabatic heat retention psychosis - a dreadful affliction involving inability to defecate. This condition can only be alleviated by somewhat painful use of the high tensile steel friction gripper (developed, incidentally, by Prof. Ludwig von Sphincterhausen)

andackle - a parting shot that totally fails to offend. Also, something you know you shouldn't say, but say anyway, and recieve the appropriate knee in the groin, etc.

andriod - the World of Electric Dreams.

Anemily - Someone who stands out in that they march to the beat of not just a different drummer, but an entirely different orchestra. Really, the universe needs more anemilies. Or something like that.

anklebooter - a four-year-old MUSH admin.

anonomously - when nobody knows who ate the cheese.

Anoying - the third little teardrop shape in a yin-yang. It's grey, pear-shaped, and hogs the remote control when the others are having Zen-Parties.

ansesters - really really old cesspits.

answerting - From the verb "to answert", meaning "to eat marshmallow fluff from".

antifound - the opposite of 'profound'.

antiparachute disease - a state of body involving total weightlessness having fallen over and reached terminal velocity. There is no known cure, although a recommended preventative is to be lying down in the first place.

antipluperfect subjuntive areneoralic sassonomical-imperfect tense - the existence of this tense is the reason why we have both ^^'s and that key above the tab key with the funny s-shaped thing on it and the line with the plus sign above it. The antipluperfect subjuntive areneoralic sassonomical-imperfect tense is only used when descibing how one time travelled forward three days for the express purpose of preventing your fourth cousin being nibbled to death by a gerbil with terminal flatulence, and is thus not in common use.

antiq - the letter O, Q's evil twin. Followers of the Antiq regularly burn down or vandalise queens, quicksand, quoits sets, Quosh factories and anything quiet or quick, whilst chanting 'Eeeewk! Eeeeeewk!'. This is the letter Q backwards phonetically, and not the sound made by a badly-performed thrickle.

Anti-Roliet Syndrome - a shortening of 'anti-Romeo & Juliet', this is a feeling whereby you're not sure whether you want to kill your partner or kill yourself.

anyne - an illustration on the cover of a novel, of something that is meant to happen in the story, but actually looks like nothing whatsoever, just a bunch of guys on horses and some with pointy ears, who could be bloody well anyone.

apartmant - lonely little grief-holes that recently divorced men live with their shrines and bashed-up second-hand furniture, and ultimately blow their brains out, in.

Apolapsye - Something very easy which, unfortunately, causes the end of the world.

apoligize - to shed unwanted extraneous skin in someone's general direction.

apololigize - 1. when you're too drunk to really /be/ sorry. 2. when you're trying really hard to say you're sorry, but just can't stop laughing.

Appendagial Destinatorial Displacement - what happens when you go down an elevator and the handrail is travelling at a different speed than the stairs, so you're slowly pulled apart.

applogize - When you have to go undercover in a fruit stall to investigate the murder of a grapefruit that you suspect was committed by a banana, what do you dress up in? That's right - an applogize.

aquantance - stomach pain resulting from drinking too much water.

aqueophonic murphism - the belief that the tap really does start dripping loudly (on purpose) as soon as one gets in to bed.

arbytraitor - a cook who leaves Arby's to work for Burger King.

arfmeowsplatting - raining cats and dogs. As in, "My God, it's arfmeowsplatting out there!"

argasm - 1. what Jason gave Helen of Troy. 2. the primordial slime that ancient Greek ships grew out of.

arghue - to argue just by screaming at each other and throwing chairs. What begins as an argument often ends up as an arghument.

aristaurant - an extremely exclusive restaurant, the type you can only go to if you've made the front page of Time or Newsweek.

Arithritis - the primary cause of mental stiffness.

Aroman - an ancient civilization who communicated solely by smell.

arxe - to intentionally avoid doing something boring, although you should.

Aslo - The magical beaver from "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," that was compared numerous times with the seedy guy who got crucified with Jesus on the same day, but didn't come back from the dead, even assuming Jesus did. Aslo didn't have much of a role in the story - he ate some lettuce on about page 114.

asprial - about as sour as a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold pickle.

assho - a gay male prostitute.

asshoe - a gardening implement used to keep arse hair under control.

asshuming - the digging up and study of historical arses.

astromony - A tinned meat product similar to Spam, but conclusively proven to come from the furthest galaxies, and not recommended to anyone of the sign Aries.

atmospherocephalic - an airhead.

atroposition - the way that if you stop talking in an argument your viewpoint slowly crumbles and dies.

Attanion - the one Musketeer who always listened at briefings.

Attention Spa - Archimedes' richer older brother was sitting in one when he had an even better breakthrough of scientific theory than the younger Archimedes. However, the spa was so comfortable and nice, he just shouted, "Eure...oh forget it. Ahhhhhhhh............"

attire colour modulation - an unpleasant side effect of getting the mouse kicked.

atuomatic - those rapid-fire sneezing fits that leave you feeling as though you've just done something entirely more physical than sneezing.

aurextension - when someone grabs hold of both your ears and pulls outward real hard until you permanently resemble a member of the British Royal Family.

Auro - a new European currency, based on cars.

autodontist - a medical robot so efficient that it can cause as much pain in minutes as a regular human dentist can in weeks.

autogas - automatic togas. Like, duh!

auxka - what Spock turns to when he's used up his regular ka.

avtually - the narrow side-street you wander into shortly before turning into the human incarnation of Satan.

B   (Back to the top?)

babeling - a by-product of extreme tiredness, when you begin to speak in tongues.

baby machine gun - a woman who seems to be constantly pregnant, and whose feet are constantly surrounded by many thousands of screaming, shitting and puking spawn. Usually with a short, vaguely poodle-esque perm better suited to an 80's 40-year-old lesbian.

babycute - When the boy in your class is so cute, but if you called him cute you'd be made fun of and be teased as his girlfriend. I.e. "Look at Sam! He's so babycute, but I would never date him. He's more friend-boy material."

babywalker - a child prodigy.

bad head day - today just does not parse. Maybe it's something to do with last night's Liebfraumilch.

badvert - a television advertisement that advises against a product or action. (Examples: "This is a healthy lung, this is a smoker's lung" or "Video piracy is a crime" etc.)

balefile - the "Wipe Entire Disk" option in Norton Utilities software.

balefiling - when you killfile somebody *before* they piss you off.

Ball's - a restaurant that only serves innuendo-ish food. The menu runs something like this: rump stuffed with sausage meat, hot cock (roast chicken), buns with pork in them, hot, moist muffins, etc. They also do a drink called a Double Entendre. If you order any three things off the lunchtime menu, they'll give you one.

ballocks - the fins on the humpback whale's peenie.

banal disposition - excusing yourself at a party from the company of someone you've been pinned against the wall by and talked at about plumbing for the last 40 minutes.

Bar Flopping - when you're already too drunk to go bar hopping before you leave the house.

barasoinne - a less prosaic variety of milk. Milk with the soul of a poet.

barrowing condoms - It's what people who rarely, if ever, get laid do with condoms. They usually end up getting uncovered by archaeologists thousands of years later, deep beneath the Porn Sediments of the Lower Adolescent Era.

barstard - that git in the pub.

bathquake - the violent quake that rattles the entire house when the tap is turned on to a certain point.

bathroomerator - the fraction of the items in a woman's bathroom that a man is actually able identify and understand the use of. Usually very small.

bathuserator - the fraction of items, derived from the bathroomerator, that a man can not only understand the use of and identify, but actually use himself. Even smaller than the bathroomerator.

bearth - the kind of birth you do NOT want to be let known that you were involved with.

beboporaonedroporahiphoplitepopmetallist - the intended audience of plastic genitals.

becasue - when somebody sues you, and they have no real reason for doing so. This generally only happens in - you guessed it - America.

becuase - a large vase that you can use, probably for boping Australians.

bedlocks - those tassled throw rug type things that people put on their beds sometimes and are always uncomfortable to be face down on.

beenied - when you arrive at someone's house for a meal, and discover that they're macrobiotic, and you're having lentils with sago sauce.

beerleader - the guy at the end of the table who already has his underwear on his head.

beetnam - a dark red South-east Asian country that tastes of dirt.

bemusical - a confusing song.

bequeef - to arrange someone's hair in the classic Ace Ventura style.

bevelly - extruded femininely. Example: "My word, she's bevelly!".

biacquaintance acknowledgement trigonometry - a newer branch of the science of psychomathematics, this is used to determine the angle between your first friend/significant other and second friend when you meet said second friend on the street/in the pub/disco/s&m dungeon, etc. Should your first friend/significant other know the second friend then the three of you will form an equilateral triangle, but length of the hypotenuse increases in proportion to familiarity, amongst other factors. N=F2/Dx25(A+2) S M, where N is the base angle, F is familiarity between second and third persons measured in impenetrons, D is the number of drunken shags between the two people in the past, A is a binary value as to whether you found out about it or not, S is the shyness factor of the two people(also it's own branch of psychomathematics) and M is the mutual antipathy factor, also known as the 'I don't like your face' theorem.

Biddha - the god of eBay.

biendwons - those stupid picture holder things with the bendy bit and the crocodile clip. Presumably designed to give the impression that a preschool Let's Have Fun With Physics kit has materialised halfway through your desk.

binary fishing - To sit on a riverbank catching numbers. Most enthusiasts recommend lots of fresh 0s used as bait, although, in a pinch, 1s can be used with similar results. I tell you, once I caught this number as big as your leg, although, admittedly, it had converted itself into hex notation.

birivorous - solely eating biros.

bit on legs - a person who only ever answers any question with 'yes' or 'no'.

bitch rate - the number of times you get kicked in the goolies in public per hour, by your loving partner.

bitth - an unpleasant woman with a lisp.

Bjorn Berg - a demented ex-tennis star who now occupies himself by wandering oceans ramming ships with his head.

Blama - a bulemic llama.

bleuch - something you put in your hair to make it a horrible colour.

block market - the underground Lego dealing network.

blodo - giving oral sex with a cold.

blong - a very noisy marijuana-smoking device.

Blotepad - the simplest program in Windows 98.

blue-and-gold head rush - entertaining and self-explanatory effect of smoking a lot of cannabis.

blunt instrument - a poorly tuned guitar.

blurch - the spit up that babies do, that isn't quite vomit, but is past drooling.

boaring - well, it's so tedious, you end up running around on all fours, grunting and looking for truffles in an effort to liven things up.

Bob Khan - the youngest brother of Genghis Khan, who disgraced the family by settling down with a wife and two kids and opening a shoe shop.

Bob The Word - The nickname we have for the last word you read.

bogography - a book so stunningly, appallingly bad that the only way you could even hope to get any use out of it is to use it as toilet paper.

bogroll crisis - an enthusiastically lengthy guitar solo (see crefter).

Bohrknob - a protrusion on a door that allows access once it is excited to the next highest quantum level.

Boiler's Law - a recently discovered branch of physics, this is concerned with fluidodynamics, i.e. the science of baths and showers. It explains why, in clear scientific formulae, why it is impossible to get a shower in the UK to be anything other than skin-blisteringly hot or arctically cold, and why, when you leave the bathroom, time in the room speeds up dramatically, so that by the time you've returned less than a minute later, it is dangerously close to overflowing.

bollocks horizon - very, very late at night, way past mass-cacklepoint, when everyone is actually physically incapable of talking sense.

boneek - when you turn on your car whilst in gear and it jumps forward several feet, damaging both your nerves and the poor fucker's car in front.

Bonzai tree - a small species of tree from the rainforests of Northern Japan, this densely-wooded densely-foliaged piece of vegetation is widely known and lamented by farmers and foresters in the region, and famous in myth and legend across south-east Asia. The tree is not found in the ground where most trees belong, but in the air above the upper strata of greenery, where it flies, silent and deadly, in packs (log-jams) of up to a thousand individuals. Upon sensing any animal that even slightly resembles a beaver (this includes squirrels, rabbits, dogs, newts, and human beings with protruding upper teeth),the trees dive from the sky, howling mercilessly, and smite their perceived enemy with fearful power. Beaver remains have been found driven into the ground an entire tree-trunk-length by particularly violent attacks from the bonzai tree.

borbian - crazier than a being made entirely of washing powder additives.

bosums - They enforce security and obedience on board ship, and get away with it on account of having a nice rack.

bovious - blatantly faked by cows. This can be used to describe the fake sportswear flooding the market, shoddily made and smelling faintly of cowpats and milk, that was made by skilled cow craftsmen in sheds all over Guernsey, in order to raise funds to fund the great revolution where the cows will rise up, overthrow homo sapiens, eating fine rump steak from chartered surveyors, and human females will be strapped naked into milking machines and have milking apparatus attached to their nipples. Or was that the dream I had last night?

boyfiendish - Kolys on a good day.(Editor's Note: Thanks for that, Soruk. Remind me to only break one of your legs. And since that was quite funny, I'll even do it slowly.)

bozon - subatomic particles that power stupid people.

bozzocks - bollocks that you happen to find in loological gardens when you're really really fucked.

brain sturgeon - when your mind just totally mongs out.

braincoats - warm fuzzy hats.

braw - a large Scottish undergarment made by adjoining two hammocks.

bread dread - the feeling of sheer terror one feels when returning from a very long holiday, contemplating how many feet of mould are growing out of the bread bin and quite what shade of electric blue it will be. Fruiterror is a related feeling, relating to thoughts of the bubbling black mass which will invariably be found in the fruit bowl.

briassic - The period of cheeseological time in which the first cheeses with hard rinds emerged from the primordial fondue, although they still had soft centres.

brine surgeon - a guy who operates on shrimp.

Britian - 1. a hypothetical Britain if the Russians had invaded back in 1066. 2. a native of the planet Brit.

broans - when something's so bad, your brain groans.

brumically improve - to eradicate (something) from the face of the earth. This stems from the universally-known fact that were Birmingham removed, England would be substantially better.

bsodding - the act of using Microsoft Windows.

buckoneer - a drunk typist (see futtingbuckon)

Buffalo Wank - when you go and pleasure yourself and suddenly, painfully, realize that the last thing your hands came into contact with was a habanero.

bulg - a very large, hairy beetle, that sniggers and makes crude remarks, and emulates an erection so men will get kicked in the gonads by passing women. This bursts the bulg, scattering the maggots through the underpants, where more bulgs will surely develop.)

bulimian rhapsody - a tactical forced food escape (see below). Used as in "I just sang a bulimian rhapsody into the great white telephone".

Bungoid - A very boring native of Bungay, a very boring town in Suffolk, England. Bungoidism is a sort of Parkinson's disease of the suavegland and imagination. Exposure to non-Bungoids, decent music, and recreational drugs have been known to act as sort of spiritual L-Dopa in the "awakening" of such cases. BEWARE! Non-Bungoids entering Bungay may or may not develop the syndrome, depending on the strength of their character.

buthey - The exclamation one makes when they thought they were eating butter, but find out it's margarine.

Butteronian period - Immediately after Churnasis was the Butteronian period. First simple dairy life forms began to emerge in the primordial pre-fondue smelly milky gunk. This period was dominated mostly by early members of the mozzarella and Daiylea genuses, although these were displaced by Briassic cheeseforms.

buy a dollickle - to be tremendously unspeakably bad.

C   (Back to the top?)

cabarancy - the blatant refusal of a tech support representative to get to the fucking point and tell you how to fix something.

cabbage - to reduce the functionality of oneself. (e.g. a brain cabbaging)

cacklepoint - the point where you are so sleep deprived that everything becomes uproariously funny. And you start writing definitions like "cacklepoint".

Caffeine-free Pensacola - Pensacola, but in a gold tin.

caffreduction - the way you fill the coffee pot up to the -10- mark, and that's still really only 4 cups of coffee.

cafine - Woofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoof woofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoof woofwoof woof!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cafted - something that has been put on a lathe, switched on, and whacked with a five-kilo-per-link length of chain and then detached from the lathe and thrown down a hill might end up looking slightly cafted.

calander - a sword that is not a sword, but actually used to drain water away from cooked vegetables.

calcupillars - digital caterpillars. You must have seen them.

califying - a particularly clever move in spider blowing, in which one blows two spiders up another person's nostrils and takes immense delight in watching them shoot out of that person's ears.

Calogula - a Roman Emperor made of wood.

Calvin Klean - the guy who dressed all his models in layers and layers of clothes and trenchcoats, because he believed underwear was smutty.

Cambozoic - the period of cheeseological time in between the Briassic and the Gorgonzolary, in which the first complex life forms began to emerge.

camo-knickers - camouflage-print underwear as used by the US military in approximately no campaigns thus far.

Canadia - a mystical kingdom of olde where people said 'Eh' a lot.

canine donor - someone who gives people new dogs.

cannabilism - when you're so stoned you eat yourself.

cannali - wide, dry riverbeds on Mars which once flowed with molten mascarpone.

capacitater - A root vegetable that goes back in time.

carcasm - an underground parking lot.

Carpal Dysmorphic Shock - the sudden, horrible, but temporary feeling that your wrists have grown several inches spontaneously.

cat release - the act of livening up a dull situation by releasing thousands of cats from a miscellaneous animal dispenser.

Cataclump - the lump at the end of the bed that you prod gently with your foot, wondering what in hell it is, until you realize that it's your cat. Sadly, usually by the time you realize this, the cat's long gone, 'cause it's sick of your incessant prodding.

catastrophic neural ejection maneuver - a means of escaping an uncomfortable situation by firing your brain out of your left ear. This also works at dull parties.

Caté - paté made from cats. (See also: Kolys' varied ways to skin a cat.)

Caterpillow - a soft white pad upon which your new kitten makes his bed.

catserole - when you know it ain't chicken in that chicken chow mein.

caur - a car driven by ravens.

causal sex - a shag of Gaussian proportions, that inspires three years of discussion thereafter.

chairful - the feeling you get having just ingested furniture.

chalf - a chalien life form, as any fool should know.

chalien - one of those words, occasionally found in this dictionary, that exists solely to make another definition fit with some twisted form of sense.

chamelion - a large catlike predator that changes color in moments of need. Much like my cat Emily, who tends to shit herself any time another cat comes near her.

charch - what you paint churches with to keep them from falling down.

cheesed on - when you microwave some nachos with cheese, and some of them appear to be spot-welded to the plate afterward, and you get cheesed off about it... you get cheesed on.

cheeseology - the study of the evolution of cheese, hence cheeseological.

Cheeser - an Apple application that lets you select which printer you want molten gorgonzola to spurt out of.

Chernobill - a highly dangerous request for payment.

chesies - a species of cheese.

chesps - rogue crisps (potato chips) that are a different flavour to the rest of the bag. Fear the Smoky Bacon chesp.

chibify - to be in so much of a panic you imagine yourself as a small, cute thing holding it's hands up in the air going 'Aaaaargh!'.

Chickin - post KFC cooked Zombie chickens. Do you know how hard it is to zombify a 21 piece pack?

chimpionship - motor racing monkeys.

chindig - a dimple so deep you could have wild parties in it.

chip - a euphemism for "grope".

chocomigration syndrome - the disease of chocolate selections which means that when you go to eat the last chocolate in the box, it never, ever, exists.

chonk - a collective term for a large group of logs that roam the Serengeti looking for better places to be at loggerheads. Geddit? Loggerheads. Sorry, I just wanted to say 'loggerheads'. Loggerheads. All of you.

chooken - the pseudo-Japanese shouting sound made by a Kentucky Fried Street Fighter.

chrotle - The act of killing a giraffe with a length of string with knots in it. Also works for human beings with particularly long necks.

chrust - the darker chewier bit that surrounds holey (geddit?) bread.

chuggle - it's a very big chuckle, usually from a drunk person.

churchmouse - to keep a low profile.

Churnasis - The beginning of cheesological time. In the beginning, there was the Churn.

cigarette cemetery - ashtray.

cincinnatio - Head given in Ohio.

cinnamonning - brutally and viciously attacking (something) with a cinnamon stick.

clut phenomenon - somebody who the young kids all love, who happens to spell very badly indeed, and encourages young kids to do likewise.

clutteris - when one's floor is covered in wall-to-wall female genitalia. This is not frequent.

cockatail - to put your penis between your legs and walk around saying, 'Look, i've got a tail!'. This too is not frequent. At least not with ME.

cockwork - a complex system of integrated moving parts.

codzilla - a fish-and-chip shop in Tokyo.

coffoffee - Double-caffeinated coffee.

cofidence - To fire your false teeth across the room involuntarily.

Cokva-korka - The most popular drink in the Soviet Union, it is made from lard, sour milk, vodka, crude oil, and uranium-238.

comfuesd - The act of chemically fusing pussiants with genital crabs. Usually done with Krazy Glue or Loctite. This creates a gender crisis in the pussiants and crabs. Symptoms of this chemically altered infestation are itchiness and glittery pubic dandruff.

Communication, Utility & Networking Tools Software - what Microsoft were called until they were about to go public and someone realised what the initials were.

comodoties - elegant evening neckwear made from dragon skin.

confectio - simulating oral sex on a lollipop. Or giving oral sex in a manner more suited to consuming a lollipop. Both almost invariably fail to arouse.

confeeti - toenail clippings thrown at weddings.

confidance - the level of self-belief that one needs to do the Macarena or Moonwalk at parties.

confuction - seriously powerful alcoholic beverage as mixed by panamaniacs.

Confusius - a pointless, meaningless, unenlightening saying in the style of ancient Chinese philosophy.

congusing - not being quite sure whose arse you just pinched. Can lead to embarrassing situations if the subject is a cop, wrestler or member of the SAS/Omega Force.

confussed - When you're so disoriented by something somebody has said, you suffer dizziness, headaches, nosebleeds, and ringing ears.

connection droppings - that which is left behind when your modem is shit.

conofusion - the momentary brain sturgeon caused by someone removing their clothes in front of you and looking totally, utterly unlike what you had expected.

conrunculous - wrinkly.

Consumicons - the third, least popular kind of Transformers, because they turned into really lame things, like toilets, pairs of socks, hedges and shit.

containter - A container twisted by the Dark One's touch. Or warped in the dishwasher. Damn Tupperware.

contemputal - When a computer is really really contemptuous.

contimuation - Repeated, annoying infection with flesh-eating viruses, with the intent to make the recipient say "Uncle."

contingancy - crash pad, or a hotel room reserved with less than -5 minutes' notice.

Contoro - Those small spongy things that go between your legs to help keep your spine straight during your sleep.

conversation tree - a metaphorical tree from which all conversations derive. Every topic, no matter how infinitesimally specific or how minutely different from another topic, is a different branch of the conversation tree.

coolonial - in the manner of cold French onion soup.

cosexcant - a trigonometric function that can't participate in orgies.

cough medicine - something that should never be discussed within hearing distance of large, drunken men with predilections towards short tempers and extreme violence. More specifically, the phrase 'It's for coughs.' should not be used.

crago - huge amounts of pointless garbage from the past kept in old tea-crates and cardboard boxes. It has theorised that eventually, everyone on the Earth will have accumulated so much crago that the entire surface of the planet and all the oceans will have been covered in a 45-mile-thick layer of it, ridding the Earth of all atmosphere and thus destroying civilisation as we know it.

crankle - the other side of a crinkle.

crapet - the number two equivalent of a Russian piss.

crapplet - a Java applet that doesn't work.

crapstacking - a curious game for any number of participants, the object of which is to talk more crap than any of your opponents. Quality of conversation usually drops significantly. Strangely enough, the authors of this dictionary are supreme crapstackers.

creditbility - the believableness of what credit card flyer offers say before you read the small print.

crefter - wanker, but more nicely. Doesn't it just sound more upbeat and expressive? Hence also fretcrefting, the way that really technically good guitarists and bassists prove it to you.

cremulge - to mix or beat in to a more or less smooth sludge.

criplled - Crippled and grilled.

cronebar - old person's metal walking stick, esp. when used with excessive violent force.

crosbreed - a mongrel-type novelty pet that starts singing "White Christmas" in about October and gradually gets more annoying until Christmas morning, when it's blatantly not white and you stamp on the fucker.

crudits - you know when the movie ends, and you've finished looking through the cast, and now you're just looking at idiocy like "Dolly Grip" and "Best Boy" and "Gaffer"? That's right - you're watching the crudits.

crunk - a pint of beer, or, more generally, an unwanted drink that just sits in front of you when you're at a certain stage of drunkenness, usually at about 5am, where you just don't want/can't face any more to drink.

Cthtulhltu - the Great Old Misspelt One.

Cthollocks - when you can't spell Cthulhu.

cubo-bauxitic colonic destruction syndrome - the condition which leaves one shitting a brick.

cuder - Kudos bestowed on a heavy consumer of apple-related alcoholic beverages.

cudles - far more physical form of kudos.

cunnilincoln - when you haven't eaten anyone in four score and seven years.

Curius - a Roman philosopher. He asked very silly, annoying questions, like, "Why is he there?" and, "What colour is the sky?" and, "This apple, is it tasty?". Except that he asked them in Latin, which made it sound really deep and quoteworthy once it got to be 1980 and a bunch of people of the pretentious prick persuasion seized on it.

currier - more curry.

currant fuck - a dildo made of pastry, with berries in it. It's like a spotted dick, except that it's not an inappropriately-named dessert, it's a dildo.

currillic - a type of lettering only used in gestural form whilst in Indian restaurants. Intriguingly, linguists have so far identified five hundred and thirty-seven different sign combinations meaning "More fucking water!"

curtseye - to manually lift your eyelids up whilst bowing.

cyclopedia - 1) a rare tropical disease where the feet become perfectly circular. 2) reusing children.

cylophone - officious bureaucrats who always speak with an empty, dead monotone, much like a Cylon.

D   (Back to the top?)

daftard - someone who's annoying as well as stupid.

dairyists - terrorists made of cheese.

dalmate - to paint (something) in white, except for a few black spots. The similarly-decorated dogs got their name because someone rightly pointed out that they were a good example of dalmation.

Damnitol - A medication that, while it does not ameliorate or in any way diminish the situation, allows one to let off steam. It is best used to express frustration or dismay. When one is known to be a frequent user of Damnitol, another may acknowledge one's dismay by simply saying, "Take two and call me in the morning," referring to the use of Damnitol.

danuendo - innuendo found in even the most mundane utterances.

dBay - A complex web site exclusively for swapping Dennises.

death - God's way of telling you to mellow out and stop being such a hyperactive fucker.

debubblize - to remove bubbles from (something).

decdicated - with ten dicks.

decimobscurantism - using a ten-code just for the sheer hell of it when you'd probably be better of saying something a little more... well-adjusted and mundane.

Deciples - there really should be ten, but there's thirteen. Nobody knows why.

deconstructionprimitivegraffitiexistentialist - shithead.

decrapitation - to have one's buttocks forcibly severed from one's body as a punishment for unorthodox views on the maintenance of public restrooms and the production and marketing of toilet paper.

defarg - to thorougly rid your computer of farg.

Definetion - a cream you can rub on yourself to make you capable of writing a silly Dictionary.

defrion - an elementary particle that is created in microwave ovens in order to defrost food without cooking it.

degoosecranking - turning the central heating up to max so you can strut around the house naked.

Deinition - the concept of having a god of weird-ass dictionaries.

deja engrais - the feeling that you've seen this same crap before.

deja moo - when a cow gets the feeling it's chewed this cud before...

delio - Any male chef who brings out a big trendy-looking recipe book every Christmas to try and cash in on guys who don't know what to buy their wives.

Democracy's - Where you can buy any clothes you like...as long as they are approved by the majority.

denined - when bowling, hitting only nine pins of ten on a given roll, especially when the tenth pin wavers around and wants to fall down but doesn't.

Dense of Humour - a disease which apparently affects many people - the symptoms are, as you can likely guess, a tendency to overreact and the sense of humour of a dead weasel on the freeway. The sort of people who would write into a Dave Barry 'Mr. Language Person' column and correct his errors... you can help by sending money to Society for Closed Captioning for the Humor Impaired, Box 1563, Ithaca, NY, 32569. And if you actually do this, then you too may suffer from this disease. (Editor's Note: Hey! That's not a REAL Ithaca zip code!)

deprecion - to lower in value through accidently squishing (sitting on). This can easily happen to one's lunch, also making it look like you've had an accident.

Derbit - the dirt and debris that fly off a drill bit while in use.

Derection - a hard-on, if you're one of those people who call their penis 'Derek'. This is not frequent.

Derstand - when something is utterly confusing to someone; opposite of understand. This is usually characterised by the someone in question going 'Derr' repeatedly.

derivoctropath - somebody who beats you into submission with mathematical proofs.

descibing - the art of saying something that nobody understands, with words that exist only in the Ictionary, and still getting replies via AOL that say, "Me too."

Dessert Storm - a little known altercation where Iraq annexed France because they wanted the croissants and pastries. It got no TV coverage because the UN wasn't willing to go to war over France. Iraq Soon realised why, and then a full scale military operation was mobilised to try and prevent the return of France to European control. But alas, this time Iraq won and divested itself of the country no one wants.

Dessitin - a can that, when you open it, shows you your Destiny. It's like a magic 8-ball, but much cuter.

Destrophana - a person who consistently confuses "your" with "you're" while writing or typing. Destrophanae appear to abound in alt.fan.robert-jordan and a few other newsgroups.

dfostrctde - distracted through looking at breasts.

diagonal eclectic carnage - the messy aftermath of a good party. Only applies if participants are still present,with or without consciousness and/or pulse, notwithstanding party having finished.

diahorrama - a very, very unpleasant scene.

dickslexic - when someone can't spell worth shite, and tries to claim dyslexia as an excuse.

dictionicity - that realization you have when you hear someone else using a word which up until that very point you had thought you were the only one who ever used it.

didgeriarse - a crusty. Derived from a combination of what they're probably holding in their hands and where you'd prefer it to be. Also, the musical genre of early Jamiroquai (although the word 'digeridoodoo' is more common in this second usage)

diety - the member of the pantheon worshipped by anorexics.

difeline - when a place is so big that you could staple one cat's neck to another cat's tail, and have room to swing them both. Of course, there is always the possibility that the second cat would come loose and go flying into a wall, but isn't that the whole point?

differently fine - feeling like shit but wanting to be nice about it.

Differnet - a website all about differ.

digital mice - unnecessarily overdone products, typically from Eastern lands.

Dilberated - to be exploited in a Dilbert fashion by your boss.

dildillating - being up all night wondering why the fuck you keep hearing the sounds of a vibrator being switched on and off even though you're alone in the house.

dildino - for small people.

dildosaur - these were as scary as fuck. Or at least as scary as self-fuck.

dillock - a cross between a pillock and a dillhole. Also a very satisfying thing to call someone.

disconbuberised - completely destroyed. Very messily.

discorneted - to have your ice cream stolen.

discusted - having had the custard licked from your naked body by five hundred rabid yaks.

diserves - brings one pizza on two plates.

disheadified - intoxicated and unable to either use, feel or even acknowledge the existence of one's head.

disme - a particular air of almost terminal ennui and lack of anything even vaguely interesting or cosmopolitanism that only hangs over provincial English towns like a big, grey, boring, Nike-clad, mumbling fog.

dismemoried - that feeling you get when you realize that you sadly need more RAM, mentally AND in your computer.

disousing - getting plastered to recover from a hangover.

displat - falling off your television set (or monitor).

dissapear - Diss an apple, diss a pineapple, diss a banana, diss a cherry, diss an orange.......

distraight - the feeling of shame and anxiety when a gay man finally has to come out of the closet and admit he's hetero.

djetic - a drug that makes you spew endless, meaningless, chirpy, inane chatter, preferably into a microphone.

djetica - a neural condition related to Tourette's syndrome, usually affecting the Broca's Area. It causes the sufferer to speak in an endless stream of garbagey, painfully hackneyed cliches.

dle - the sucking sound made when pulling your finger out a tight plastic tube.

DNAgerous - Genetically unstable. Liable to mutate.

doggle - a small, yapping animal that you have to attach to your computer to make certain software run properly. Needless to say, you soon decide that the software isn't worth the trouble.

Dolcis Horrors, the - that very particular combination of listlessness, apathy, lack of will to live, emptiness, misery and desperation when you're forced to enter your sixth shoe shop in one afternoon.

dolphinisation - to shave oneself thoroughly in preparation for a date, etc.

dongkeyed - exceedingly well hung.

Dongo Rheinhardt - a legendary jazz musician and porn star, who at school was voted 'Most Likely To Have Someone Sit On His Instrument'.

donot - a donut that doesn't.

Donphin - the head of the Sicilian family of dolphins. Now he sleeps with the fishes, assuming he hasn't eaten them.

dont - it's what you get in the front of your car when you run over a person who can't spell.

dophins - a rare sea-going mammal that can't swim very well. Usually easily spotted in the shallow water close to tropical shores, splashing and thrashing wildly in an attempt to stay afloat, and spraying water through their nose-holes and choking, and getting sunburnt. The dophin is said to be a distant relation of the now-extinct nophin, which couldn't swim at all.

dooricate - to put (something/someone) through a door. Well, through the gap created by the frame, not literally through the door. Unless of course you really really want to.

doork - someone who walks up to a door labeled 'pull' and pushes valiantly on it, to no effect.

Doppelgangcar - a vehicle that looks exactly like a vehicle someone you know has, but when you look in the window it is not them.

Doshwasher - a corporation that launders money.

draggon - a huge fire-breathing mythical creature in a skirt.

drastaclasm - a more general, and worse, form of spastaclasm.

dreadbin - to have a bad trip.

dreck support - having to answer stupid questions that users could answer for themselves on the fourth page of the manual.

drifflers - the small holes in plastic coffee-stirrers.

drone out - to pleasure someone with a Borg implant.

dropping trawler ballast - making oneself more alluring (primarily in females).

dsico - someone with such poor taste in clothes that even discos won't let them in.

Dubios - a dodgy Greek hero. He saved Athens from the Great Paper of Paperland.

dulay - any lengthy period of time where you have nothing to do and thus seems about fifteen times longer than it actually is. Dulays occur most frequently in railway stations in the United Kingdom.

Dulcinear - when that perfect person is finally close by.

Dumbpoking - feeding a troll because you enjoy laughing at the spelling mistakes.

Dungeness - a female dungeon.

Druck - The Isuzu duck.

E   (Back to the top?)

eatensby - a small creature thought to be a member of the same family as fruit bats, also having furred bodies, large ears and fox-like snouts, as well as membranous wings.

eattention - to give so much regard to something you accidently swallow it. This tends to happen with newer Nokia cellphones and small girlfriends.

eBat - to sell something on eBay.

ect - 1. The noise a bad speller makes when I grab their windpipe and squeeze, while simultaneously butting out a burning cigar on their forehead. 2. a common abbreviated form of "ectrislamphic". As opposed to "etc.", the abbreviation for the Latin phrase "et cetera".

ectrislamphic - Dependent on intravenous coffee for survival in the mornings.

edible matter - what Americans have instead of food.

Edmond's Field - a place of legend, where the great and glorious Edmond the Coke Drinker gave his life leading his men against the idolatrous followers of Pepsi. It is said that an ever-flowing fountain of Coke sprang forth where he died, and that anyone who drinks Pepsi instead of Coke explodes when within 50' of the fountain. Those who enjoy a Dr. Pepper or two on the weekend are not affected.

El Diablo - Fabled long-lost city of computer games in Peru (or near there).

Elder Gods Of Steericum - driving instructors.

electicuted - when you succumb to terminal boredom during a US Presidential election.

electroencephalographically challenged - dead.

elephone - the device used by elephants to communicate long-distance.

elictioneering - talking bollocks late at night, but in Spanish.

embareass - prepare someone for a spanking.

emoton - the equivalent of 'megaton' for emotional blackmail bombs. For example, saying you'll commit suicide if someone doesn't go out with you ranks as 50,000 emotons.

encephalovoid - The point where, usually due to fatigue, your higher cognative functions effectively cease. Whereas the hypnothreshold is reached when external events overwhelm a person's ability to effectively comprehend them, thus causing a mental vapor lock, the encephalovoid is reached when an internal condition, such as the Sleep Deprivation Limit, is reached, thus causing a mental vapor lock.

encyclopodia - a set of volumes containing many entries about everything you could ever need to know about feet, in alphabetical order.

endles - 1. the end bits of door handles. Those things that you invariably manage to catch your clothes on and make a dick of yourself. 2. Very, very short noodles.

enlilghtens - the little pieces of gherkin that McDonald's restaurants invariably put into their burgers, despite the fact that nobody likes them.

enocounter - a man who counts enos. It is uncertain why he does this, and even what an eno is, since he seems to be the only person who can see them, let alone count them. It is the job of a dangerously deluded person...similar to the opinion that America is invincible.

enuthsaist - somebody who shoots other peoples' testicles.

enveloptic - anyone who peers through the box opening to see what's beyond.

Enyuendo - sexual innuendo relating to Enya. This is not frequent for most people.

eposide - It's not the bit that goes at the beginning of a story, or at the end, in fact, it's not in the middle either. Best left un-mentioned in any reasonable situation.

Epsaroma - that peculiar smell that Epson inkjet paper has, that is somehow really really good.

erct - the noise Mister C of 9 makes when you kick him in the chucklepops.

erlear - the period before being raised to the monarchy, and starring in a Shakespeare play.

Esay Ride - when your hog breaks down and you ride the local Mexican to work.

escapegoat - when you do something you shouldn't, get away from the scene on the back of a goat, and then blame the goat because the poor animal didn't know it was supposed to stay there. This would probably work in an American court of law, if your lawyer was good, but nowhere else.

especiay - don't know, but whoever's saying it is probably Canadian.

Esther egg - what really bad British talk show hosts are born in.

Estrufen - a recently devised female-hormone treatment for men that deadens pain inflicted by PMSing women.

euphamism - another word for the same misspelling.

Eviank - to spit out a large mouthful of water because you feel you're about to regurgitate the last bit you swallowed.

evinyl - the predecessor to MP3.

evolufrant - any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

evry - almost all of something, as in, "I typed evry letter in that word."

exageration- not as exaggerated as exaggeration, but even exaggeration is not as exaggerated as exagggeration.

exaples - something that holds arguments together.

excaggeration - Killing someone with a little white plastic fork for cadging too many cigarettes.

excrellent - something that is somewhere between incredibly good and horrifically bad.

executivered - bludgeoned to death with a Filofax.

exhibkissionism - public displays of affection.

explaine - you know when you're on a long-haul flight, and in the seat behind you there's a kid playing with Pokémon toys, painstakingly telling his grandmother/nanny/total stranger about what each Pokémon does, in excruciating detail? And you eventually can't stand it any more, so you grab him, open the emergency exit and put him outside on the wing. It's only 'cause he got Geoduck's special power wrong, though. Admit it. You know.

explod - to walk away dejectedly.

Expresso - really horrible, yet potent, instant coffee available in American bus stations for fifty cents a cup. Dosages of five cups or more can be fatal. Do not ingest without first consulting your physician and/or your attorney. Not legal in Utah.

F   (Back to the top?)

fantasmic - yep, it's that good.

fantastys - dreams about #(*^@)(&NO CARRIER

fard - the maximum distance a person can achieve between their feet.

Farendish - when you really really like someone, even if they are a little (or a lot) overdramatic and prone to melodrama at times, and because you like them you don't know how to tell them that they're being overdramatic, so you don't.

fealthy - the state of knowing a massive amount of useless knowledge. Almost a prerequisite for crapstacking.

feckonomics - the training of drunk Irishfolk.

feline frustration - when your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable and you suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

feline life reverse disorientation - the feeling of nervousness and dread that a black cat feels when you cross its path.

Felterskelter - A roof repair man achieving near terminal velocity from a building. Unintentionally.

Femsip - a medicinal drink made with chocolate.

feralal - an irrational fear of being murdered by a deranged tulip.

Fettucine AlFrodo - pasta with cat sauce.

fibroblast - Health food binge.

ficking - what the Abyssinian krunt does every spring. It slices off its own toes, screams in abject agony and then stitches them back on again using dental froth (this activity has led to the insult 'you ficking krunt' in Abyssinia). No-one knows why the Abyssinian krunt does this, why the Abyssinian krunt even exists or why i'm writing such bollocks late at night. Oh well. see also krunt, Abyssinian.

figgit - what you start by criticizing someone's English.

figmant -the series of words you repeat to yourself, slowly, over and over, until you become a small, dried piece of fruit. I'll tell you the words one day, when I get sick of all this noise.

figuildinguidingle - when you're in a random Spanish-speaking country and you hear a bell ring, and you just KNOW it's ringing in Spanish. It taunts you, because you don't speak the language. There is only one thing you can do to retain your dignity and your pride. Figuildinguidingle back at it. (Editor's Note: OK, so I lied about the dignity part.)

filonodition - the way a wire, if left to its own devices, will twist itself into mind-boggling knots.

finalissimo - like 'finally!' but more so.

Firday - the day you go out and buy a new Christmas tree, varying between the 19th of December if you're one of those organized people up to the 24th if you've been panicking over the Christmas shopping, and factoring in your calculation of exactly how long it will take for all the fucking needles to fall off and litter your carpet. It was beige, wasn't it? You poor bastard. Beige.

Firwall - A wooden device for protecting your network from hackers.

fising - a curious leisure activity practised in the Southern USA, said to be a cross between fishing and fisting.

fjord probe - a cavity search at Oslo airport.

flaminko - a big pink bird with fur that turns white in winter.

flatwear - a training bra.

floorify - to shove (something) to the floor.

floorine - the primary element used in the construction of flooring.

Floydian Slip - a momentary lapse of reason.

flucking - Raising ridges in oneself to trip unwary pitcher-carriers. A common pastime of carpets.

Fluffermuffers - women who don't shave their undercarriage.

fnoe - the yolk of a neutron, discovered when they first split the atom. Making a medium-sized omlette from fnoe has been estimated to take somewhere in the order of 4.93 billion years, initially thought to be mostly taken by the time it takes to crack each individual neutron but this accounted for less than quarter of it - the other three quarters were taken up by no fucker deciding whether they wanted cheese or ham in it.

fog end - that horrible second when your hangover clears up enough for you to realise what a total cockhead you were the night before.

foghorn women - a breed of female people with amazingly loud screaming voices. Not to be confused with women that appear horny in the fog.

foila - from the French - "I have found my drugs!" ( ...man!)

foing - An onomatopoeic term describing the instant the spaghetti leaves your badly-controlled fork (or threek, depending) and begins its journey toward hanging on a lamp.

food swings - where the frozen chickens play.

Foot-in-Mouth Disease - a highly contagious disease often found where politicians flock together, but has also been recently detected in the Editor's office of the Sunday Mirror newspaper.

foreploy - any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

foreply - Jesus was a carpenter, and his mother was a virgin. You do the math.

foresaken - Deciding to have your foreskin removed after drinking too much Sake.

Forogtten - the other Hobbit in the Lord of the Rings movies, played by a computer-graphically smallened Joaquin Phoenix. Classed as the hare-lipped Hobbit everybody forgets about, but is glad to see die later on in the film.

forsaked - Said "for fuck's sake", but much more nicely. As opposed to "forsook", which is an actual English word meaning "forsaked".

fourplay - another term for partner swapping.

fowl play - any stage production performed and written exclusively by oven-ready frozen chickens.

francochemical mistransport - a nasty situation which can arise when a French lorry driver carrying a larger amount of barnyard animals than the mind can comfortably conceive sees a sign saying ICI and thinks that he is being instructed as to where to deliver by a higher being.

freedome - The fantastic sense of liberation and freedom that washes over you when they finally let you out of London's Millennium Dome.

freever - an open-source illness.

Fremotezy - that frantic scramble that takes place when you desperately hunt for the TV remote after the show that you were watching turns into Pope Fiction, the 700 club, Care Bears, or Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

Freons - a race of very small people who since the beginning of time have constructed very small monasteries inside freezers, the noise of thousands of humming monks constantly audible outside.

fribble - having lots of wonderful things to do, yet somehow having nothing to do.

Friend-boy - when it just so happens that your best friend also happens to be a boy, but you truly do have a completely platonic relationship. Also has the inverse meaning, friend-girl with the sexes switched.

frift - being so stingy you don't even buy false teeth.

frig-erator - sex toy for women. Also REfrig-erator, a sex toy for women guaranteed to give multiple orgasms.

frigidalien - Nonfood item (film, batteries) kept in the refrigerator.

Frisbeetarianism - the belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.

frnakly - A bunny rabbit is furry, a cactus is prickly, a wild pig is bristly, and a twelve-foot-tall drunk mad angry Scotsman is......

Frodovirus - a virus which causes your ring finger to fall off.

frogsporn - what frogs watch when they can't find anyfrog to multiply with.

froopy hood - a hip, cool thug who really knows where his Froot Loops are.

froup - A full set of overdone evening hairstyles.

Fruad - the stuff that you have to attach to a Fruhead to make it a full FruPerson.

fruquent - the initial, mild pain after someone kicks you in the balls.

frunny - funny because it involves liquids. Like many of the alt.fan quotes.

fruzzen - immature or otherwise not-quite-pubes.

fuckalmighty - excessively large.

fuckball - a giant ball of entwined mid-shag people. Uncommon except after the literal collapse of a game of Naked Twister.

fucked on - shat on, basically. Both can occur from not inconsiderable heights.

fuckit - something you really can't be bothered doing.

fugging - swearing incomprehensibly after doing something incredibly painful to yourself, for instance, dropping a fork point down into your bare foot.

fungupersonacy - the body movement toward the brace position shown on airline safety cards. Not to be confused with personafungality.

Furbulous - when a voice sounds mechanical and recorded as well as random-syllabicating.

furination - storming around the house in a temper.

furtile - when you don't bother to vacuum or sweep or mop the tiles of your bathroom floor for so long, the knots of pubic hair in the sink and shower stall crawl out and take over the whole floor, causing an effect that is best described as, "furtile," but is more accurately described as, "Arrrrrrggguuhhhhh..."

futtingbuckon - what you press when you're in front of the computer so disheadified that you start to anagramanate. As in "Oh arse, I pressed the wrong futtingbuckon!". Hence also buckoneer (see above).

fuznuck - The next time you're in a conversation with someone and he uses the word 'shiznit' thinking it sounds even slightly cool, tell him from me that he sounds like an ignorant fuznuck.

G   (Back to the top?)

gadual - the ninth tribe of Israel, who never really went anywhere, just figured they'd get around to it sooner or later.

gaggirls - the groups often travelled in or formed by girls aged 12 to 16. Usually when a gaggirl is travelling or in a public place, the two members of the group that are furthest apart are having the loudest and most intense conversation, punctuated with much laughter and shouting, as well as the occasional scream. The other members of the group (groups usually number between 3 and 10) engage in cross-talk at a similar loud volume. This phenomeon was usually only encountered in farming communities (see Peter Mayle's A Year In Provence for a good description of this phenomenon - it's somewhere in the book, I don't know where exactly, just read it anyway, it's a good read) but it has spread of late to the urban areas, and is particularly found on buses, generally when you have to ride for over half an hour, and particularly in either a) the early morning or b) the late afternoon when you have a headache and it's rush hour.

galary - a version of the galaxy that can be viewed by people aged 17 and older. A galagy is suitable for all audiences. And a galancy pretty much guarantees you muff.

galaxx - a female galaxy.

galumph - the sound a couch makes when sat upon by someone rather heavy.

Gamma Force - the blokes a bit worse than Delta Force. Sent in by the government to deal with terrorist rabbit invasions and other things too silly for Delta Force. All in all, a bit shit, really.

garbaginous - moribund, but not put in the bin yet.

gardian knot - a tangled garden hose.

garmastic - those people who wear clothes with blatant disregard for their appropriateness, colour, fit or even ownership.

garmites - clothing that fits in the store but shrinks on the way home.

gastidious - removing your car's gas cap so not to get gas on your hands.

gastronomic truth gap - why packet or tinned meals always look like they've been cooked by Michel Roux on the picture on the packet when they actually look like he's regurgitated them.

gatewya - a magical frozen dessert that can talk.

Gatway - an airport covered in a black-and-white cow pattern.

gauzepressions - the gray sticky outline left behind by any bandage,

gawuk - a sound made by a perfectly normal and healthy human being in an abnormal and unhealthy place.

Gaytoryaid - a drink believed by many to be invented by Michael Portillo.

gelatineww - the gelatinous goop stage between sweet-smelling powder and fully-fledged soft drink.

genifur - pubes.

genious - a fucking poor word to spell wrong.

genoblation - compulsive idol-worship by an entire generation.

Georgious - doing something in a way that you would have done, had your name been George.

geouch - sharp rock one always finds underneath one's sleeping bag.

gerbal - A green rodent you can chop up and use to season food or tend wounds.

geriatrism - 1. a total non-sequitur, usually involving their piles/friends' operations, that only old people make. 2. A proverb old people use that is apparently apropos of nothing and, on closer inspection, means nothing at all either.

get the mouse kicked - to be frightened.

ghod - the exclamation made at the end of a snow job when the giver of said snow job swallows hard. The G is a drawn out sound followed by a hard H Sound so it is pronounced G-Hod usually accompanied by a strength-robbing shudder that makes the receiver unable to stand for several minutes.

giant red moles - fire engines, particularly those of the white variety.

gillnil - to fish all day but not catch anything.

ginsanity - 1. The absence of cognitive abilities due to heavy ethanolic intake. Hence also ginsane. 2. The total loss of the balance of one's mind in a health-food shop.

give someone a new dog - to participate in anal sex with someone, being on the giving end.

gladuators - people who congratulate you on having given oral sex.

glatches - glasses that actually fuck your vision up more rather than correcting it.

glibido - all talk and no action.

glich - an undead demonic beast that just can't do anything without fucking it up.

gloffing - To parade around in absolutely horrible looking clothes, thinking that you look marvelous, when in reality the sight of your outfit makes children run away, old people die of fright, and even a butcher hurl.

gluteal aerobics - stretching of one's arse across a room. This is done gradually, in small steps, or at least it is for natives of this planet. A handy method of walking when you can't be arsed to stand up and there are no obstacles in the way.

glutinoxious - hospital food.

gnawimbly - a dog's chewed-up tennis ball.

gnawing tree bark - a rather sad pastime as pursued by Americans with nothing else to do. Note: this is not to suggest that all Americans partake in this activity, just some. You'd be surprised how few people will admit to it though.

goal in one - a golf shot which lands so agonisingly close to the cup that you end up kicking it in out of sheer frustration.

god barrier - the point during the night at which, if you are not already asleep, you start to feel like a god. Which in turn means that you will not get to sleep until it is almost exactly time to wake up. Also known as the divine obstacle.

Goddies - small candies shaped like various deities, available soon as a store near you, for various religions - Christian Goddies, Catholic Goddies, Hindu Goddies, Buddhist Goddies, and so forth.

God's sake - a really great drink, though, unfortunately, it's still made out of rice.

goik - a little creature that lives down our throat and makes you hiccup.

gold mime - nugget impersonating.

gona - an incomplete gonad.

Gonans - large, muscly men, usually bodybuilders, who have taken so many steroids or various other pinkieshrinkers that they sound like they have a permanant cold. Dolph Lundgren is currently president of the League Of Gonans.

gont - slang for a dead woman's ladybits.

Gorgonzilla - cheese that destroys downtown Tokyo, repeatedly, and returns in several mechanized and otherwise enigmatic forms.

gorgonzolary - The cheeseological period when things got really scary.

grack - the stem remaining after all the grapes have been eaten.

gracula - the person who holds up a whole bunch of grapes, as though they're expecting it to wriggle and squirm and plead for mercy, then takes hold of a single grape between his/her teeth and pulls it off the stem.

grammer - someone who makes strangulated cries and pelts passersby with Imperial weights in a protest against metric. Usually shot or, in extreme cases, locked in a cell with only Norman Lamont for company.

grasshoppopotamus - a creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.

green hole - a cosmic singularity which is where snot mysteriously vanishes to when you snort it up your nose.

green man expectation crisis - the way you have to wait forever for the little green man on traffic lights when there are enough cars coming to pulverize you if you try to cross the illegal way.

greengo - derogatory term for a Martian.

greepers - people who walk up the down escalator to appear motionless.

grendalh - a Thai curry.

gridoodles - analysis drawings made on the TV screen by commentators.

grining polar bear - it just grines and grines, and nobody can make it stop. It keeps all the other polar bears awake at night with its incessant grining. Will it ever finish? Will it run out of things to grine? Maybe. When all the grine is grined, and all the other bears have had it up to here with the sound of grining in the middle of the Antarctic night...

Grono - a hobbit whose only claim to fame was his extraordinary ability to tell bad jokes at the most inappropriate moments. He was eventually lynched for one joke too many about a semi-fictitious 'Dildo Daggins'.

grose - something that looks like a flower at first glance, but turns out to be a mutilated mouse. It's those damn pesky aliens.

growbar - a strip joint.

growinging - flying rapidly upward.

gurp - the sound you make when you simultaneously stub your toe and swallow your tongue.

gymnasist - When the jaws-of-life have to be called out to extricate a gymnast from her own sleek, tightly-muscled legs.

gynasist - When the jaws-of-li-- oh, never mind.

gyrocologist - someone who can examine your kebab and tell you whether it's safe for you to have sex.

H   (Back to the top?)

haemoplugs - small pieces of toilet paper applied to shaving wounds.

haing - what they should have done to Ned Kelly. Instead, they Shoit him.

hair bears - male genitalia.

halfsome - almost, but not quite entirely wholesome.

halp - Assistance provided by a St. Bernard dog somewhere in the mountains of Switzerland.

Hambridge - a town populated almost entirely by acting school students. Don't live there, unless you like the idea of lengthy, almost Mimbrate declamations being made just to deliver the fucking mail.

hame - fake ham, made from pig genitals.

hampster - a website that sells pork on the black market.

handnesia - forgetting the answer the moment you raise your hand.

Hao-Bao Chu - a character from a Confucian allegory, who was very considerate.

hasselhoffniac - a person who loses sleep at night because of the haunting vision of David Hasselhoff.

headpop bomb - a saying so incredibly asinine and surreal, that everyone in a two mile radius instantly, involuntarily, passes cacklepoint.

hedgehogspin - a very fast cartwheel.

hedopent - that feeling of repentance that lasts for a couple of hours as part of a hangover, and is quickly dispelled when someone suggests going for a swift half.

hedwgewhowg - a hedgehog flattened on the Information Superhighway.

Heki - the god of small, unpleasant things that live behind the fridge.

helbent - someone who helbs. Helbing is much like helping, except that it all fucks up at the end, and likely wouldn't have had the helbent not been there.

helmeting age - the predefined age where old ladies suddenly feel the need to have their hair curled so tightly it resembles a grey crash helmet.

Hermapgroditic - the asexual offspring of Grover and F-1. Don't tell F-1 that Smurfette is not blue AND furry.

hexendative - when you can sing along to more 60s songs than current songs, despite not having been around in the 60s.

higgle - that odd, high-pitched laugh that stoners have.

higheee - the sound made by someone being blinded by a breaking guitar string.

hind grenade - Due to the high intake of gas-causing food in the German diet, these devices were briefly dallied with during the First World War. Appearing very much like stickbombs, the infantry unit would lower his trousers, insert the stick end between his buttocks, position his arse roughly in the direction of the enemy whilst shouting 'Ach, Tommy! etc.' and let fly, making the pumpernickel and beer-powered projectile land with a stinky explosion in a British trench, with ranges of up to 400 yards. Unfortunately, due to a design fault, they often exploded prematurely, and acted like small rockets, firing themselves on quick tours of the lower ends of Teutonic alimentary canals.

Hindenburg maneuver - squeezing someone violently to relieve terminal bloating. Oh, the humanity.

Hio - the place you go when you're stoned.

homopaths - straight-bashers.

honerless - A guy who can't get a honer, never mind a boner.

honnor - McCloud's brother. The one with the speech impediment. Also younger brother to Getoffa McCloud, about whom the Rolling Stones wrote one of their early classics.

hormony - when every woman you know is on her period at the same time.

hottopo - the revulsion one feels at finding a dead rodent between two pieces of bread in a none-too-clean bakery.

hozone - the mysterious place that one sock from every single washload disappears into. Eventually you will have to buy more socks, although you know that very slowly, the same thing will happen. Up there in the hozone, someone or something is watching you inch ever closer to total sock paranoia. He/she/it has a mirthmark on his/her/its face. There's nothing you can do about it, either.

hrur thwacker - that odd drum in the QuickTime 4.0 drum kit which sounds like a donkey being goosed violently.

hufferventilating - what a big bad wolf does before blowing your house in.

Hugh Janus - yes, this poor man exists. Poor, poor bastard. With extremely sadistic parents, one assumes.

human Lassie - a person who follows you around all the time looking pleased with themselves, occasionally making a noise, and expecting you to do almost everything else for them. Other people tend to agree that such types are annoying, unless you actually kick them and tell them to f*ck right off, whereupon everyone decides that they were actually fairly cute and harmless, and you're a heartless git.

Humbility - Singing while still in utero.

humur - the funny bone.

Hungty - Humpty Dumpty's brother, the one with the bigger appendage. Hungty always used to gloat about the size of his cock, but Humpty never really cared. Mind you, it's hard to care much about that sort of thing when you're in a mangled mess at the bottom of a wall, surrounded by royal horses and other assorted fuckwits who don't know enough to carry you to the Emergency room.

huricanes - Fast-moving Puerto Ricans.

hurse - a very, very bad-tempered equine animal.

hydrocrabons - the huge variety of bits of seaweed, small animals, and generally any other anonymous aquatic shit that's stuck to your legs after wading in a dirty sea, and makes you smell of fish for several days afterwards no matter how many times you wash.

hypnothreshold - the point where events in which you are living at the moment become so overwhelming that you're left staring, transfixed, at whatever object(s) happen to be immediately in front of you at any given time.

hypocrit - You know those little furry things in "Critters"? Well, imagine one of them, sitting in a doctor's surgery, saying, "I don't know, I just can't skeletonise a whole cow anymore, I think it might be cancer."

hypodermdick - a really small penis.

hypohypocrite - someone who accuses someone of being a hypocrite when they're utterly hypocritical themselves. Hypohypocrites who accuse hypohypocrites of being hypohypocritical are known as hypohypohypohypocrites, and hypohypohypohypocrites who accuse hypohypohypohypocrites of being hypohypohypohypocritical are known as hypohypohypohypohypohypohypohypocrites, and (continue until death).(Editor's Note: Huh?)

I   (Back to the top?)

I If A The We Then That Of Sex- a website not easy to find using search engines.

idibot - an idiot who can't seem to speak properly and thus roonespises words.

idiolocation - "You are here" sticker on any map.

idium - a place where idiots live.

ifiot - Someone who doesn't even know whether he/she is stupid.

ignisecond - the overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!".

ignoranus - someone who's both stupid and an arsehole.

ignormaus - a big, stupid, German rodent.

ignornamus - the tendency of some parents to give their offspring names that, were they to sound them out and have a dirty enough mind, they'd never even dream of inflicting on poor defenseless children.

(Editor's Note: Enough variants on 'ignoramus' already!)

iHave, iSuppose - examples of Apple Computer's new iVerbs package of colourful words.

ikeic - in the manner of Swedish self-assembly furniture.

Illeterite - the actual scientific name for the mineral that formed a large percentage of the Stupid Rock, with which certain people were obviously walloped numerous times as an infant.

imaginining - thinking unclean thoughts about Seven Of Nine

IMbo - someone who will chat on AIM with /anyone/.

iminimit - 'in a minute' said very very fast, causing the tongue to trip over itself and go blammo.

implaed - What Vlad's kids did when they were bored.

impenetron - a measure of familiarity between two people, measured in in-jokes/minute.

improvert - stand-up comedian.

Inca pable - further south than an Aztec pable, and not as cool and mysterious as a Mayan pable.

inchiladas - Tex-Mex hors'd'oeuvres.

incohabitent - when the roommate that's been annoying the piss out of you for a year suggests finding a place together for the next year, and you're forced to scream wordlessly and stick him into the piranha tank.

incredibile - a crocodile with a jet-pack.

Indelible Bang Marker - a child.

indentify - bite.

independance - when you can do the Moonwalk, the Macarena, that Whigfield one, and the Stonk. And because of this, everybody leaves you the hell alone at parties.

infachillesion - having one's heel rammed from behind by a baby stroller.

Inflatable Tech Support - they hire these people after business hours or on Sundays at major computer companies (such as Toshiba). They're not, in fact, trained to answer your questions. Their purpose is twofold. First, their obviously thick and yet somehow identifiable accent convinces anyone that these companies have no qualms about hiring minorities. Second, they get a portion of the $245 fee that Microsoft charges for technical support that you gladly pay because the agent you just dealt with on the phone told you that the only way to get your term paper back that you accidentally deleted was to use the restore disk.

infomaniac - a computer that will constantly go down on you.

infrasurvey - The test to see how far back the TV remote will work.

ingrediens - French for "ingrates".

ingrediense - French for "ingratese".

inhubited - those women who don't do anything but stay at home because their husbands prefer it that way.

inigma - a very mysterious lizard from the tropics.

inknition - the metal clicker at the top of ball point pens.

innuend - to murder someone because their sense of humour gets on your tits so much.

insdie - it's what you use to tint a dyslexic chimp a less conspicuous colour - purple is good.

insect mailing capability desertion - the processes that lead to one's becoming a pauper.

inspitation - when you're feeling too lazy and uninspired to motivate yourself to inspiration so you'll be motivated enough to get up and make something to eat. Also known as Spod's Disease.

insurbia - the way that living in city suburbs gradually drives you crazy.

interactive friction - what people are doing with their other hands while they type in chat rooms...

Interfluential - a service that delivers bodily fluids to your loved one's door.

interlectual - between classes.

intersting - an integrated network of digital bees.

inthe - any liquid which, when taken orally, has the opposite effect to absinthe.

intimitaly - that feeling you get when you wake up with some vaguely-Mediterranean-looking total sleazebag who managed to charm your knickers off after about the eighth glass of wine.

introducued - Having had a pool cue inserted quite a long way up one's arse.

intronesia - the embarrasing act of forgetting the name of the person just as you're introducing them to someone.

invectie - clothing so horrible, you involuntarily hurl abuse at the person wearing it.

inveted - came up with the idea of (something) whilst poring over a pickled rat.

involary - what a dead pigeon is.

inwolved - once you get truly involved, you'll never get away from her. Once you get inwolved, you're totally fucked.

Itchyprene - the fabric that clothing labels are made out of, specially invented by a team of designers and a supercomputer to be the most itchy, annoying fabric in existence.

iterrogatory - in the manner of those irritating people who ask you about iterative functions until you decide to eat them in a gazpacho.

Ithaly - a little-known passageway from Milan, Italy to Ithaca, NY.

Itlaian - what it hopin' it doin' after it flirtin'.

J   (Back to the top?)

Jacobsed - extremely tired, potentially as a facet of alienatic fatigue.

Jaheeayuhzusa - the principal deity Southern television-evangelical minister faction in the United States.

Japaneese - A foodstuff made by fermenting Oriental people.

javacise - the frantic burst of motion that one is galvanised into after spilling coffee in one's lap.

javanetics - the law of why hot coffee, when spilt, always goes directly onto your gonads and nowhere else making you a) scream in sheer terrified agony and b) look like you've wet yourself.

Jesi - plural of Jesus. Jesi now roam the earth, or at least Aberdeen, and can be bought quite cheaply off the peg at such retail outlets as Jesi 'R' Us. To avoid overcrowding, Jesi should not be left in one room in quantity unless properly deflated and packaged.

Jesot - see Jesi. Except that so far I've never seen a Jesot 'R' Us store. Jesi/Jesot are, however, on sale for a limited time. Get three for the price of two at any participating Shining Light Discount SaviourCentre, or one for only ninety-nine pence with a McDonalds Happy Meal. (while stocks last)

jetspiel - the animated "safety speech" given on airlines & ignored. Generally the only part to pay attention to is the location of the emergency exits. This not only forces the stewardess into some intriguing contortions but also lets you know where you should go if the jetspiel gets too long-winded.

Jezak - when the church organist starts to play elevator music.

jharsa - the first pussyfart a guy hears, that sends him reeling backward in surprise.

jiggernaut - the one person at a club or party who will keep dancing even when everyone else is too tired to move.

jinger - a Morris dancer having a wank.

K   (Back to the top?)

keBob - what cannibals eat when they're pissed.

kedgeblum - to collapse on top of someone in a bed due to fatigue.

kelbooonied - the only word anywhere with three consecutive Os. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a shameless effort to invent more weird words.

kidfusion - when a mother-of-several (or a grandmother with several children and grandchildren) mumbles off kids' names till she gets the right one.

Kindercuffs - those little ropes that link together a batch of preschoolers.

kiss-all - like fuck-all, but significantly less. Also 'casual wave-all' - so little, you actually go about creating antiversions of whatever it is there's nothing of.

Kitana - cheap Kit set assembly-required sword made in Taiwan.

kleptoreceptors - the plastic "cage" on cassettes and CDs at music stores. A truly effective theft deterrent, since no thief would ever think to steal the items anyway and then smash or saw the kleptoreceptor off. They also come with magnetic thingummies implanted in them, and these do a great job because no thief would ever think of running faster than store security when the alarm goes off. Then again, short of Donovan Bailey becoming a music thief, there's always a chance that store security could catch up, and then walk the offender back to the store slowly, thus allowing several other thefts to go unpunished during the ensuing palaver.

Klytoris - despite what your memory may tell you, this was not a character in Flash Gordon: The Movie.

knees job - what the Mafia do to you.

knickertine - what you get from smoking underwear.

knierboter - an evolutionary dead-end in ice cream pre-history. The knierboter was made of, primarily, ketchup ripple and frozen mayonaise.

Knight-error - to tune in to ITV at 2am in the hopes of catching a saucy French film with copious nudity, only to find a Knight Rider rerun. Or possibly Hill Street Blues.

krunt, Abyssinian - a krunt from Abyssinia.

krutting - to kick an old person's sticks away and laugh uproariously before running away.

Kwiland - a planet in the QQQQekkkkh!!!& nebula, far past the Ololololololololololol globular cluster, Kwiland is a planet populated by a single intelligent race. This race is notable for the fact that they form perfect spheres. This race, the Kwilandeolooooooos, builds perfect cube-shaped temples to their god, Wownikkipoopoo, an unrealistic picture of the sun in their perfectly cloudless, lurid blue sky. These perfect cube-shaped temples they dot all over the landscape, which is perfectly flat, covered with a thick, smooth layer of the Gingigingi, the plant life of their planet. This has a texture similar to thick green rubber. Kwilandeolooooooo culture is much like our own, but they have never developed advanced 3d modelling software.

L   (Back to the top?)

labido - the sex-drive of a dickhead in a white coat.

lable - they put them on ladles so you don't mistake them for tables.

Ladyshavus - Perhaps if this had existed, the Romans would still be here.

lampire - a small light-giving thing which awaits ye with big sharp pointy teeth *does weird hand movement*

language soup - the primary method of stoned communication.

languini - pasta made out of words.

laptopping - that which you spill accidentally in your laptop which causes you to need to ship it off to an Authorized Service Provider(sm) to be cleaned.

Lasanga - a little-known African dictator who has lots of blankets on his bed.

laskirieslinged - drunk on cheap wine.

lazteaness - that feeling you get when you want a hot drink, but you can't be buggered to make it and you're trying to figure out the best way to ask your significant other if they'll make it for you and not sound like a lazy sod.

lemon Kurd - a citrus-scented Iraqi.

lemur beans - monkey clits.

lenuent - silmascent, but also having eaten lots of cakes.

leprecon - a fake leprechaun.

lept - to decapitate a leprechaun.

lesbains - a swimming pool in France where makeup is banned.

lewinskiing - skating on thin ice. And simultaneously receiving oral sex from someone who you fervently hope won't tell anyone about it.

lewn - a cultivated covering of insane people on your garden.

linewarpping - when Microsoft Word indents stuff it shouldn't until your mind begins to break.

Little Latin Loopy Juice - strong South American liquor whose effect is to remove enough of your inhibitions to make you sing along to classic idiocy from the 60s and 70s.

loala - a cross-dressing koala, as immortalised in that very early song by the Kinks: "Loala, L O A L A hey wait a minute, Dave, that doesn't fit." "It's a fucking koala, Ray, give me some fucking credit for trying." "Yeah, but that's a shite idea." "You're a fuckwit, Dave." "Up yours, Ray." ... and so on. Great lyrics. Ahead of their time. Oh, the nostalgia...

Lockneed - Lockheed's bastard cousin which gives rise to: "main bay or cargo hold, rattlesnake or tuna?"

loked - past tense of "loke", meaning to ejaculate so prematurely, you haven't even met the woman yet, or, indeed, even actually left the house.

loil - a very, very, very big boil.

loological garden - an area of land where bozzocks are found.

lowt - opposite of height.

Ludricous - a Roman emperor who died in a cauldron of cheese at an orgy, and was never famous for any other reason.

luggerheads - an argument at the airport baggage carousel over which bag is whose.

luggump - luggage that goes round the claim belt that no one claims.

luggurgitation - when luggage pops out onto the baggage claim belt.

lynthlyptus - any cough drop found in one's pocket after a few days.

M   (Back to the top?)

maby - an unborn foetus of undetermined gender.

Macroyawn - an enormous, giant sized yawn.

magentic - purple.

Magical Socky Princess - something loopy that you put on your feet.

maltigo - confusion about which direction one entered a shopping mall from.

mammories - tits that are bigger than you remembered.

mandrain - when a guy is quite literally shagged out.

Mandrax - The result of letting a bunch of European open source hackers loose on anthrax.

manemiff - a popular term for a bad hair day. See also Tarzan effect.

margrane - the blinding pain brought on by drinking Margarita slush too quickly.

marmalad - An orange-flavoured confiture made from pirates.

marmals - the bits of orange peel suspended in marmalade.

marshmellow - a particularly chilled-out swamp.

Martian extrusion - a somewhat obvious sign of sexual arousal in males.

mascarpment - prominent features in the Wensleydale Mountains.

mathochist - one who finds math painful, but enjoys it nonetheless.

Mathofistic - being fisted by a pro-mathematician.

matowingus - an event in which, for no readily apparent reason, part of your sandwich flies out into your lap.

Matsushitta - a Japanese electronic loo.

May of May Not - the first and last Irish Borg. Or O'borg, as he was called by all and sundry down at Starfleet Academy.

mayingle - when your rural accent totally mangles a word.

mcie - little rodents that run around in your telephone, making inexplicable charges appear on your long-distance bill.

meak - a very small, nervous cow about the size of a Big Mac. It dies of fright at the sight of a man in gumboots, and automatically fries itself.

meesage - the herb you put in a gumbo made out of Jar Jar Binks.

megahelen - the amount of beauty needed to launch a space armada.

Meldriate - to hit a specific target by projectile vomiting.

memoglyphics - any grocery list that cannot be read once at the store.

menstraution - when collection agency representatives appear to have terminal PMS.

mental acupuncture - pins and needles in some part of the body.

mental defrag - a unit of capacity equal to approximately 4 pints.

meorrr - the Doppler effect as your cat flies past your head. From being fired out of a modified washing machine, etc.

methamatics - trying to work out if you have enough money to get pissed in the pub. Or have to drink that horrible crap you brought back from Spain that smells like donkey piss mixed with antifreeze and has straw round the bottle for no obvious reason. In fact, it probably is donkey piss mixed with antifreeze.

michaelschmichael - another term for brain-dead, or d.o.a.

microbial Monday morning - A morning that feels like an extra Monday morning because you have contracted an illness.

microhelen - the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor.

microyawn - a yawn that a person attempts to restrain, sometimes painfully, as a result of another person speaking to them at length about some inane subject, and the afflicted person does not wish to offend the other.

middloe - the bottom half of something.

midirect - the transitional phase between flaccid and throbbing. Particularly used with reference to a unit the size of a decimal point.

Might lance - It's the sort of weapon that MIGHT unhorse your opponent...or then again, it MIGHT spring back and hit you in the genitals. It's a risky sort of tool for the knight-errant.

Migth - The Fourth Wise Man brought Migth. Jesus cried until he took it outside the manger and stamped on it.

militry - When they want to be half as good as America, but just can't manage it because they have a small budget.

mility - Full of millet. A state usually reserved for seed bells.

millihelen - the amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

minge pies - a Christmas delicacy of boot-wearing carpet-munching sister-fisters.

minthly - something that only happens every month, but is still refreshing.

mintues - the amount of time it takes to finish off a Mento.

Minuites - very very small, timid Inuits, who owned a very very small piece of Canada until it was overrun by Canadians.

Minustrone - you know when you get those really cute adorable little kids? You know how you let those cute adorable little kids get away with absolutely anything because even if they set fire to your cat they can just give you that big hamstery grin and you forgive them? You know when you keep telling yourself to be firmer and then finally you chop those cute adorable little kids into fragments with a machete and make soup out of them? That's it - you've just made Minustrone.

mirthmark - one of those really massive grins.

misinteries - Baptist churches.

misspelts - a stone-age precursor to Miss World. Included competitions to see who could skin 50 hamsters and make a warm, yet stylish blood-splattered hamster jacket in the shortest time possible.

misspet - when you back out of the driveway, there's a bump, and later nobody can find Mibbles.

moccoli - a vegetable that looks like it's made of plastic.

mockerel - usually thrown back by fisherman because they're made of soy.

moder - it's that button on TVs that people can never find, that if pressed, will allow the watching of American videos on European systems, and vice versa. I've only ever found the cunt on two tellies, but I'm convinced that they all have them. Somewhere. Bastards.

Mokney House, The - a rare and often complained about traveling Zoo exhibit which consists entirely of dyslexic spastic humans in batman underoos.

molobsters - mafiosi with claws.

Mommyitis - that common affliction of new and expectant (also wannabe expectant) mommies that causes them to look at things such as, oh, a radial tire, and say 'oooh! isn't that CUTE!'. I think this is a hormonal problem, but the DSM-IV doesn't list it.

momnivore - someone with an Oedipus complex and a passion for oral sex.

monobrow - a person who just has one long eyebrow in place of the usual two halfsome ones.

monosyllable tennis - a game analogous to lawn tennis, except that the skilled players are replaced by dense fuckwits, and the ball by a monosyllable, which is variable.

moo point - the opinion of a cow, and thus worthless.

mormilly - when you sit in bed with your laptop wher its name suggests until you lose all circulation in your lower legs and feet, and when you get up to piss, you fall over.

Mrin Coax - a way of connecting prophecies.

Mucho - while straight manly men are Macho, Mexican transsexual transvestite crossdressers are Mucho.

mucksed ip - like mixed up, except ... well... more mixed up.

mudicine - films about mud.

Mug of Stardock - one of those truly amazing beer tankards that seems to go on for ever.

Multianal - A term used to describe someone so annoying that several people have found cause to rip him a new arsehole.

multimurphism - when you work differently on the principle that everything goes wrong usually, and that goes wrong as well.

munts - meaningless, yet extremely endangered, pieces of information usually generated by local councils. Munts only reproduce inside post offices, and thus envelopes with a single munt in them are randomly mailed off to people. By the time they have arrived at the addresses they have multiplied into many pieces of totally useless information.

Mups - what Muppets grow into.

Murph 'n' turph - when you get a steak, and slice off a huge piece that you have no possible chance of fitting into your mouth, then on the way it falls off your fork and lands on the floor and everybody laughs at you. And it was the best bit of the steak.

Musicapathy - that feeling you have when you don't really actually /want/ to hear the song you're currently hearing, but you can't be buggered to get up and skip it, so it plays anyway.

mustdo - an affliction that suddenly compels someone to do something, e.g. a mustwrite or a mustsleep.

muth - Romanian wine guaranteed to taste of feet.

Myabe - a Japanese politician who once began a speech with "Yon score and shichi years ago, our forefathers..."

mystickal - your very own tube of super glue.

N   (Back to the top?)

naadle - a pasta-like dish that has no chance of being chosen for lunch.

nairvousness - hair loss anxiety.

narapoia - when you feel you're out to get someone.

narcissismism - a non-sequitur made to steer conversation back to oneself.

Narcist - Someone who looks better than you.

NASA - The National Association of Sausage Artists, as everyone should know.

nasdaquiri - a ridiculously expensive cocktail that you'd have to own a rising technology company just to think about ordering.

Naseating - Something that really gets up your nose.

nasticle - a small spike of nastiness which hangs from the apparently smooth ceiling of life and waits patiently for a careless person to hit their head on it.

naural - A sea creature with one 9-foot ear and one 3-inch one.

nauseum - a small branch of some musuems, dedicated to the preservation and display of historical vomit.

nausoleum - a large tomb with dizzyingly high ceilings.

Near-birth experience - an accident with contraceptives.

necronomicondom - protection against revenge from beyond.

necrotelecomnicon - book of dead phone numbers

neglintics - the study of why contrasting lint attaches itself to clothes.

Nemoy - a ship's captain who turns evil when he grows a beard.

nervouse - a mouse with an anxiety disorder.

Netbork - anything under the .se ccTLD.

netcrashcraze - when someone goes apeshit due to a network or connection problem, and is extremely upset and such. It wears off, though, in an inverse square relationship to time elapsed.

Netstipated - the feeling you get having just discovered you're behind a pretty big firewall.

neuerotic - to be sexually attracted to disembodied brains.

newspamper - the plastic bag the paper comes in on rainy/snowy days.

newyorkcity - the likelihood of your cab driver to understand no English whatsoever, particularly the English word for "deodorant".

nibbiblettes - crumbs on your chest after snacking in front of the T.V.

Nible - a sacred text devoted to the worship of the human mammaries.

ninteresting - something that only interests twits.

nintendunce - a kid who is always playing computer video games.

niwagra - the motion that causes a guy to miss the toilet.

nobile phone - a phone made by Joo Janta.

nobnody - a rather painful fungal infection of the nob.

nobster - when your cock grows antennae and claws. This too is infrequent.

ndondo - the littile irritating noises people make when, one way or another, dammit, they're going to prove that one of the authors of any given program is wrong.

noggenavigation - the ability of parents to guide kids by the tops of heads.

nonconformistly sober - pretty damned intoxicated, really.

nonpurging bulimic - a fat fucker.

nonresponging - flatly refusing to deliver a second sponge-bath. This is not, repeat not, the mark of a sick personality, especially if you're talking about a sponge-bath to your average AFRJer.)

nonsils - the absence of tonsils. So if you get nonsillitis, you're really really fucked.

Norris - an asthma inhaler. You really, really don't want to know.

nosebeetling - sneaking up behind people, suddenly running in front of them, sucking onto their nostils and inflating them to the size of a VW Beetle. Then letting them go and watching them whoosh off into the sky.

nosebleeting - the horrible honking sound that accompanies a really gooey nose-blowing session.

nostrakarmus - when you know that what goes around comes around, AND you know when.

Nostrildamus - the art of predicting a person's future by looking at a person's snot. Similar to the reading of tea leaves, but way more disgusting.

nostrilnootie - mucillous lump hanging from the nose.

nougalicity - the degree to which a Snickers bar will stretch before breaking.

nouth - the very middle of a compass.

novalty - a chocolatey drink that makes you act like an insufferable prick, and makes everybody on your block part of your mystical Cabal.

nubile phone - A VERY nice looking cellphone.

nuknown - A piece of knowledge so dangerous that, once known, causes the knower to walk around going "nuk nuk nuk" for the rest of his/her life.

numerouse - a hell of a lot of mice, whether of the bopping variety or otherwise.

Numetla - like Nutella, but says 'Free Motherfucking Slut With Every Purchase' on the package.

nucko - canned wet cat food.

nutrasecond - the few seconds of pleasure before the aftertaste sets in.

nyeraaaaaaaaaagh - the sound made by someone suddenly realising they left the bath running, several thousand miles from home.

nymphomainiac - someone who has slept with enough people to fill the state of Maine.

O   (Back to the top?)

O For The Wings Of A Dave - a traditional hymn once sung to Morelin.

oaky - A simplistic tribal dance that preceded the more complex hokey-pokey.

obelisp - a Jedi with a speech impediment.

obsuce - obscure and obtuse at the same time. In effect, you don't know what you're talking about, and neither does anybody else.

Occam's Squeegee - the explanation involving gummi bears is usually the correct one.

occupee - somebody who is always busy with one project or another.

oculd - the mystickal practice of finding the frozen chickens in the supermarket, and raising them from the dead.

odir - the smell of something burning.

Oester Sunday - a day of the year in which, to comemmorate something or other, everyone morphs into a large clam at midnight.

off-kilter - a streaking Scotsman.

offic - a small room where you get put if you yell complete bollocks a lot.

Ofr - the mortal remains of Jimmy Hoffa. Similar to offal, but a lot more slippery.

oject - a project cut short by lack of PR.

okeedoke - a north American Indian tribe who tend to agree with most things.

olf - an elf on anabolic steroids.

Olymics - an event, held every four years, in which the world's top athletes gather to beat the shit out of each other using sports equipment.

omlette - a small Buddhist-related ornament.

oofbr - the sounds a person in a swimming costume makes when running into an ice-crusted snowdrift that's bigger than the person is.

oput - a pout, but with the top lippy sticking out instead of the bottom one.

Orbiting Clorox Time Dilation - the phenomenon, seen in laundromats, which causes time to dilate (due to the spinning of multiple washers and dryers) at a phenomenal rate, so that what seems like fifty minutes is actually, in fact, five.

organami - when you have to crush yourself into a small space (like corsets, pushup bras and compact cars) and your insides don't feel the same for ages afterward.

Orier - bastard offspring of a big, tall, creature and a delicious cream-filled snack cookie.

origamicartaphobia - the fear of having to refold a road map.

origamy - uncertain marital status, which eventually seems to unfold in weird ways.

originami - salty things from Japan.

origonal - having a new and different number of sides.

Osteogoth - a barbarian from Eastern Europe who helps people with their bone structure.

Ostrich Complex - psychological condition which causes people to try to hide from their problems.

ostricized - Brutally murdered by a rabid ostrich. Excuse my bitterness and hatred. If your family had been killed by ostriches, wouldn't you hate all ostriches?

otherise - When you look at a sexy female, and the guy next to you gets an erection.

ouivil - an evil Frenchman. Which is redundant.

ounge - to sprawl upon furniture (most often a couch) in a half-clothed state, in a lethargic manner, upon weekends when friends are unable to come by. It is most often accompanied by sleeping, and/or small bursts of activity that include schnakken or spodding. Ounging can be a group activity, and when this is so, the oungers are often seen to engage in spurts of conversation that often results in mass ictification, due to inability to move one's mouth properly.

out-joke - a reference that everyone on planet Earth except the person saying it and the person hearing it get.

outhmatheadon - a math prof who, for reasons best known to himself, insists on teaching pre-Newtonian theory on the grounds that he 'wants no truck with this new-fangled crud'.

overtaken by a mushroom - doing something pointless at which you have no talent, to avoid doing something necessary that you are in fact good at.

Oxfeff - to finish a degree at a good university.

oxydental - when you've just finished a soft drink on a cold day, you breathe in and your teeth tingle.

P   (Back to the top?)

pagouda - an edible Japanese building.

Pan Amime - the motions that an airline attendant performs while another explains.

pandcake - a half-ton cake with black and white frosting that usually hits the trash after being panned as bad. It looks like a panda that's been squooshed flat as a cake after being run over by a bus full of nuns. It doesn't taste much better. Some have suggested that if the frosting were made with cream and chocolate instead of chalk and charcoal, it would taste much better, but the Pandcake Purists Lobby (ppl) won't allow it. Stupid purists. I ridicule them, and hit them with forks.

paranna - an irrational fear that the element sodium is out to get you.

pard - an archaic form of "shag", used only in the vicinity of KMA in order to confuse him. And to give him ideas about the rules of conduct in man/sheep interaction.

pardrobe - a professional golfer's clothing.

partiulars - the teeth you lose on your first drunken party. You know when you vacuum the floor after a wild party, and stuff goes 'rattle rattle' up the vacuum hose? Partiulars.

Pary - in the art of peenie fencing, a Pary comes before the riposte.

passbae - Esperanto for 'Stop hogging the ball, you show-off Continental midfielder'.

Patinet - distribution network for peppermints.

Patriscope - Any schlong which has managed to get the user into a long-term commitment involving diapers and morning sickness and "where do babies come from" discussions. "Up, Patriscope!"

paval - concerning pavement.

pavlovaian reaction - to be so shocked by something you turn into a fruity dessert.

peanausea - the distinct green feeling you get after eating several tonnes of peanuts. Not to be confused with penausea, which - nah, even I ain't going there.

pearticular - being ultra-fussy over what piece of fruit you pick up and mauling and bruising most of the others in the process, thereby pissing others off royally.

PEBKAC hour - that stage of tiredness where you initally start typoing every word and then progress to simply hitting the keyboard, hoping that words will form.

pedaeration - achieving the perfect body heat by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.

pedantics - the art of making silly points over very important but ultimately useless rules up to the point you put your foot into your mouth." See also "Politics", in a regular dictionary.

pedoral juxtaposition - (metaphorically) putting one's foot in one's mouth. Similar in many ways to spade blindness.

peepola - the gap in dressing room curtains that never be closed.

penchill - the little bump on your middle finger caused by writing.

penguin dispenser - right-hand trouser pocket. Don't ask, alright? Just don't even ask.

Penios - the new breakfast cereal for men with erectile dysfunction.

penis pool - a system whereby people share a communal penis instead of each having their own.

Pensimon - a collectible cardgame where you must assemble card sets of old people. Zimmer Frame and incontinence Pants cards increase their powers, but they can be countered by Malfunctioning Pacemaker, Lovely Richard And Lovely Judy On TV, Failing To Stagger To Toilet On Time and Succumbing To Alzheimer's cards.

peoplewashing - what cars do on Sunday.

peppier - the waiter at fancy restaurants who only grinds pepper.

Pepso-aBismol - generic supermarket cola.

pepsunami - the tidal wave of carbonation that cascades over the edge of a soft drink.

periodic tablet - a contraceptive pill.

perscribe - the pay scale used for the interior decorators of the Great Pyramid.

persona non-grater - the guy standing next to the peppier.

personafungality - the gradual process by which you realise that the person you're talking to has all the charm, personality and sex appeal of a similarly-sized toadstool.

personal system crash - affliction that causes a person to completely stop functioning properly and start spewing out seemingly random numerical values.

personlly - so personal, they took your A. The bastards.

Pestocene - The period of cheeseological time in which everybody rebelled and didn't want to be cheese but actually wanted to be pasta sauce. It only lasted long enough for the proto-hippies to die out.

petchuk - ketchup that has been altered enough to actually come out of a bottle... but not necessarily slowly.

petuniafied - made to feel like a bowl of petunias. Usually caused by someone brutally forcing you to deal with something you've dealt with far too often that, given the alternative, would be less preferable than a prostate exam with sandpaper.

pewople - people who suddenly appear.

pharse - a phrase, spoken out of one's arse.

pheniox - A mixture of gases that, when inhaled, will make you rise.

phenomeon - subatomic particles emitted by particularly large egos. Usally, they react with nearby cerebral cortexes, involuntarily forming the word 'wanker' in their Broca's areas.

Pherhpas - a guy in the Bible. He wasn't particularly important - he started a rumour that accused Jesus of being a faggot, and got his feet nailed to his head.

philagony - so painful, you invent new swearwords. 'Shutting funkants' and 'Arsebollockwank' are examples of philagony-inspired invective.

Philollogy - The Book Of Phil. Unfortunately missing from the later versions of the Bible, Phil was the 13th disciple, who was a chartered accountant. After he wrote his gospel, the other disciples got bored of him, and fed him to a rabid hamster.

philysilicle - A silly saying with philosophical meaning.

Phishues - the issues you have when you begin to make sense of Phish lyrics.

phoneys - insects that live inside stereos, amplifiers, etc. that chirrup excitedly whenever anyone with a mobile phone comes near.

phonie - one of those small plastic toy phones, sometimes with candies in them, that people give to children.

phrase heaven - where discarded phrases go, when you've stopped using them.

phrase hell - where 'wicked' 'bitchin'' 'phat' 'crazy cats' 'mega' and various other atrocities to English now reside. And rightly so.

phyco - a person who is fixated with physical fitness, believes doing 200 sit ups is better than getting an Icecream Blowjob.

picther - A painted jug with come running into it.

picutioter - one of those weirdos at school who could shoot milk from their eye sockets.

pig a banana - to cut holes in a banana such that when it is bent, something vaguely resembling a pig's face is produced due to splitting of the skin in some places and efflux of banana in others. A fascinating and rewarding pastime.

P.I.L.L.S. - Panic Induced Lost-item Locational certainty Syndrome. A nasty disease of panicked people who have lost something which involves their returning to the exact same place every 20 seconds and muttering "I KNOW I left it there, I'd SWEAR to it".

pinch of Pez - an altogether better piece of piss.

pincture - what you get when you shoot a blancmange.

pinkieshrinkers - anabolic steroids.

pisheard - misheard due to heavy alcohol intake.

Pissa - an Italian pub.

pissibility - the level of skill a man has in writing his name in the snow.

Plank's Constant - a stunning accessory for any well-used pirate ship.

plantiff - a green leafy thing that takes people to court all the time.

plasta - that stuff that they serve in the cafeteria at Hillhead Halls of Residence, Aberdeen University, and have the cheek to term spaghetti, despite the fact that it's so thick and durable you could hang an anchor off it.

plasterblaster - an argument heard through apartment walls.

plastic genitals - meaningless, talentless, but somehow huge-selling bubblegum pop music, which concerns itself primarily with affairs of the heart.

platying - taking a hammer to somebody's nose until he or she resembles a platypus.

plinker - a guy who plays the piano with his plonker.

plumbet - to drop a pipe on someone from a great height.

pnewwmonia - when you can hardly breathe because of some horrible smell.

poast - When you do your newsreading at breakfast.

pockalanche - perpetual action where items fall out of a shirt pocket.

Pocky PC - A cheap, likely made in Japan, personal digital assistant whose operating system likely contains 1) components made of chocolate, and 2) glaring translation errors that should, by all rights, keep the product from shipping beyond the basement of the designer of the thing, whatever s/he may be.

poeple - a kind of tree that, when the wind blows just right, can be heard tapping, softly tapping, on your chamber door.

POF - kind of like a POOF, but over POP3. So, mainly... what happens when your email server crashes... also, a lesser known meaning: the third sound made by queer Rice Krispies.

pokeman - bite sized pieces of marinated human.

polaroid - an uncomfortable growth near an end of the axis of rotation of a planet.

polution - when global warming and unprocessed sewage comes gently knock knock knocking on your chamber door.

poposite sex - shagging a virgin. Don't confuse this with papasite sex - same as above, but practiced mainly in West Virginia.

popsickies - frozen germs, with sticks in the top. This is a new weapon developed at The Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, and will be shipped to enemies in a new freezer care package, disguised like those from the UN. Don't anybody tell Saddam.

poptroopers - popcorn kernels that leap over the side of the container.

porking meter - the notches on someone's bedpost.

Porneo - a popular tourist country.

pornopouch - the plastic container for adult magazines in a store rack.

postentive - starting a long overdue letter and never finishing it.

postrings - those strings that they keep you hanging by waiting for a package in the mail.

pouchsalada - the stuff that's found jammed in the airline pocket after long flight.

prangle - the twisted chassis of a car which has been in a crash.

pre-colonal - intestinal.

preakfast - the meal that a woman has in the early stages of pregnancy, mainly consisting of dry toast, soda crackers, melba toast, rusks or other dry, bland things, that averts morning sickness.

Predecessorial Miniaturization Syndrome (P.M.S.) - The phenomenon, seen in women and possibly in gay men, in which your present boyfriend's schlong is infinitely larger than your previous one's.

Prefectism - The feeling of being seriously out of place.

preffessionally - the way you want to do something rather than the way your boss tells you to do it.

prejudicm - A paradigm where you're totally convinced that you know the outcome, when you're too prejudiced to really know anything at all.

prenatal ejaculation - so premature, neither of you have even been born yet.

presiden - where lost parcels hide in post offices.

presidentyne - chewing gum that is used to remove a bad taste in the mouth of White House interns.

prestressed Ryvita - the primary construction component of Sixties buildings.

Prevenge - getting your own back for something that hasn't been done to you yet.

prewomble - pointless preamble to some exchange or transaction, for example: "Hello, Pizza Express, we deliver pizza. How may I help you?"

pribable - the first words said to someone famous/very attractive you don't know, usually utterly mangled before they reach your mouth.

prikarily - in a manner that suggests inability to type.

primordial fondue - the initial molten matrix from which spawned the very first primitive cheeses.

prisbees - fast-moving, circular Presbyterians.

private-life downscaling opportunity - when one is being talked to by a very attractive member of the opposite sex, who is then driven away by the arrival of a somewhat less attractive one.

procatstinate - what a cat does when it can't decide to go out or stay inside.

procliamed - When you've spent so much time with hookers, your legs stick together.

procrasticante - when you're really hesitant about joining the current hand of poker.

production maggots - a bizarre concept which not even we have yet been able to fathom. Sounds really fucked-in-the-head though, doesn't it?

profreading - a cut above amateur freading.

Prog - an electronic frog. Runs Embedded NT and can use all major scripting languages. Perfect gift for the geek in your life.

Progasm - The feeling you get when your code works first time.

prognancy - gestating the evil devil-spawn reincarnation of Roger Waters. *cue Theme From The Omen in a pointlessly wanky style*

projectee - a person who is in front of the screen as the movie starts.

promice - a grey volcanic rock that swears blind it can float, but turns out not to be able to.

pronounciaiton - when people mess up pronunciation.

propagatio - spreading the belief, through rumor, falsehood or allegation, that oral pleasuring will ensue.

propeer - An explosive fuel product made from friends, family and associates who have a huge bearing on your live-choices. Often highly explosive, and when explosions occur, nearby petrol tanks and machinery often also explodes, just to go along with the flow.

Protoinnuendo - that kind of mock teasing that takes place between a couple in a long standing relationship, mainly regarding other apparent 'options' faced by members of the couple which they both know are seven shades of shite or at least not bloody likely, or when the couple in question is next to shag. The only reason this works out at all is that the couple in question are comfortable enough in their relationship to know that they're essentially just each spouting random crap and there is neither pressure nor threat in any of these topics.

prototplasm - baby drool.

pshycotic - 1. Dangerously obsessed with the violent death of the small purple flowers at the bottom of the garden. 2. A small burrowing insect that lives in the ears and anal orifices of exceptionally stupid people. They are usually very retiring and nervous in company, but when backed into corners (such as an ear or anal orifice) they can become exceptionally active, nasty, acidic, smelly, and loud.

psychoceramics - the study of crackpots.

psychosclerosis - hardening of the attitude.

psycobic - being able to mentally communicate with sweetcorn. See also 'telepithic'.

pubitic period - the exact point in one's life where hell would seem like a blessing compared to what one is currently going through.

Puffson - Son of Puff...

puppie - 1. A small dog that's been mangled by a bad French translation program. 2. A canine urban professional. Mobile phone, filofax, etc.

Puris - Paris, without the French people. God, what a racist old git I am.

purpuose - a very grim, tight-lipped, briefcase-wielding seabound mammal. With a retirement plan.

purpuse - when you drink so much Ribena that you throw up, purpuse is roughly the colour of it.

purranoia - the fear that your cats are plotting against you.

pussiant - a small insect that infests the genitals of human females. Not to be comfuesd with crabs, pussiants often forming large colonies with interconnecting tunnels.

pyschology - when your stream of consciousness is a funny colour.

Q   (Back to the top?)

quarchitecture - the internal structure of an atom.

quasicrash - situation occuring when software gives all indication that it's crashed, yet is still functionally running.

quastral - when your etheric body takes the form of a duck and looks really weird in amongst all the cats and wolves and shit.

quello - Gelatinous material that makes one's penis soften.

quexit - the shiver of delight at going out through the in door and getting away with it.

quinquadiction - when more than 50 new entries to this page get defined in one day.

quiplash - when your front bumper sticker doesn't jive with the back one.

R   (Back to the top?)

rabbicchio - a form of Jewish lettuce.

rabbiccino - a Jewish hot drink with froth and a miniature Millennium Dome (minus the spikes) on top.

random-syllabicating - another game, involving multiple players, none of whom can really be arsed to talk. Hence a form of "syllable tennis" arises in conversation. See also monosyllable tennis.

rantly - when you get a hairband with big-ass antlers on it and sit around trying to look like it's the normalest thing on earth, and if anybody looks at you funny, you glare at them and make moose noises until they go away. A fascinating and rewarding pastime.

rasin - the stuff that you scrape from the underside of a grape and then smoke in a joint.

RAZ - a large object that falls spontaneously from not inconsiderable heights onto innocent passing birds, squishing them flat.

reastraunt - like an Agony Aunt, but hotter.

recod - when someone hits you with a fish, not just once, but over and over and over and over.....

recognitionition - Just funny. Unny.

recoinnoitre - to check for change in payphone coin return slots.

rectal acrobatics - the performance of thundercrunching.

reductio ad absurdum - the tenet that newly-appointed managing staff, auditors, etc. live by which involves costcutting with an almost Inquisition-esque fervour. Example comments: 'We're firing all the janitors. Office staff will just have to get used to the smell.' and 'Shortly we will begin a program of bricking in all the offices windows, to save on energy usage by the heating system.'

referesh - when someone keeps claiming they can judge a sports game better than a referee/umpire until you get annoyed and dunk their head in the beer cooler.

reguards - The protective sheath you should wear in case somebody looks like they want to kick you in the gonads a second time.

Regulreyl - a Spanish football player who was always shit as he invariably ran and kicked in straight lines.

regurgiatet - when you spit out your letters in the wrong order.

rememer - the letter you keep forgetting when you try to spell a word.

Remux - the act of a DJ trying to spod.

replicars - bad imitations of good cars, typically made in Eastern Europe. This word can be used more broadly to mean bad knock-off copies of, well, anything very much.

repyl - balefired vinyl.

resluts - the sort of people who will shag absolutely anything, then do it again.

resticles - testicles just after an orgasm.

restraunt - The most comfortable of relatives.

revengue - 1. a Haitian dance where you stab your partner at the finale. 2. a dish best served with cream.

reverse darwinning - reverting to a previous state of affairs, in flat contradiction of what is commonly considered progress. Examples are returning to a previous hometown where you felt more comfortable, or listening to the music that was popular when you were younger, or going back to Windows 3.1 because "It's just better, dammit."

reverse telephonic exclusion principle - the law of nature which states that if you happen to be busy or absent when the phone rings, it is invariably for you. Notwithstanding the fact that if you are available it is for somebody else...who is busy.

rhuiden - a recently-invented Dutch toilet attachment that holds on to your cock, thus improving your aim, stopping you before you decide that four shakes wasn't enough, and providing hours of hands-free pissing fun.

rhtyhm - the sound of a very fast motorbike going past you on a freeway, with a guy sitting in the sidecar who has a stutter, trying to yell, "SLOW DOWN!" to the guy on the actual bike.

riffle - a sloppy blowjob on a hot summer night.

rindio - a device used to pick up exclusively cheese-band transmissions, mainly used by crack anti-terrorist squads to intercept transmissions between gargantuan lumps of radioactive Wensleydale used by dairyists looking to form a republic solely for cheese.

Rogatussin - the stuff you have to buy to deal with the aftereffects when you impulse-buy a whole pack of cigs from Rogan's after a long day and smoke them all in an hour.

Rondle Noodle - a new line of instant snack, they were designed with pregnant women in mind. Currently available flavours are: gherkin & spam, strawberry chowmein, chocolate & wasp, apple & washing-up liquid and dogfood & gravel.

rootnewt - obnoxious person who's always digging into your personal life.

rotocornetic - person who eats corn on the cob in an "up-and-down" style.

Round John Virgin - a tubby little fellow, little known in western religion, that was present at the stable in Bethlehem. He served as the porter and the guy that toddled down to the store with a handful of drachmas to buy Mary chips and pickles and boxes of icecream sandwiches.

rubuncles - the bumps on uncooked chicken.

rucking chair - special chairs made out of balsa wood used primarily for fights in saloons in westerns. Be sure you don't get a right bastard of a props man for your western - iron rucking chairs have caused many fatalities.

rumages - Magic-users that can jump up to twenty feet and have pouches.

runinga - a kind of lettuce so damn crisp that it requires no Tupperware to keep it good. We used to buy it all the time. It always tasted like rubber, and it chipped several of my teeth while I tried to eat it, but my mother bought it anyway because it stayed crisp. Dizzy bitch.

Russian Piss - the fine art of completing the urination process in half the required time, usually occurs as a result of the phone ringing just as urination has begun, is usually followed by a mad dash toward the phone only to get there one second to late and complemented by a weird sensation of anger and relief.

S   (Back to the top?)

Sacrastic - when you get really sarky about religion.

Sacrelicious - something that tastes so good, it's a sin.

Saharengeti - don't live there.

sammeal - a vegetarian sausage from the Tirol area of Austria.

San Fransisco - the Gay Section of San Francisco centered around 4th and Polk.

sandonic - to acquire a sandwich-like expression.

sandwhich - A sandwich with unidentifiable filling.

sanguiches - what vampires pack for lunch.

Santaism - an dark, evil underground death cult where people gather and chant Jingle Bells backwards.

saplication - something trees do when they're bored. Which is, as it happens, most of the time. There's pretty much fuck all that a tree can do on most days, especially in the summer when it really just has to sit there being shat on by birds and hugged by hippies. At least in the spring they have growing to occupy them, and in the autumn (fall, for the unenlightened) they can try to brain somebody by dropping leaves and nuts and conkers and shit on their heads. Then in winter they have to saplicate again. Sometimes I think it'd be fun to be a tree. Then I usually take another toke and say "What the fuck was I talking about?", but by then people have usually left because they think I've gone weird. Ingrediens.

Sayingy - A shady Chinese guy from early Jackie Chan movies who never ever shut the fuck up.

scaper - a machine which crunches ice into tiny bits, and spits them into a cup. Often found on American fridges.

scaudron - What you cook bad spellers in.

schlattwhapper - a window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.

schip - an oceangoing vessel constructed entirely of slices of fried potatoes.

schitziod - having multiple personalities, none of which are capable of spelling.

schtick - what you put in your own mouth when teaching your dog how to fetch.

schwiggle - the amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.

scool - Scooby Doo went there to learn to run in the air, going nowhere and making that zany drumming-noise.

scrabitch - unscratchable itch in the center of your back.

scraw - a new line of cat food, specially lacking in essential vitamins and minerals, to give your cat that pale, close to death look that was previously only achievable with years of serious neglect.

screeplay - a mountain goat's prelude to sex.

screma - to scream in Italian.

scrifening - kicking someone's mouse.

scrollroll - when a newsgroup thread gets so long and so off-topic it returns to the original topic.

scrulling - half-reading an incredibly long series of posts that bear no relation to a newsgroup's topics not because you're actually interested in what they have to say but just out of sheer bloody-minded determination.

scruubing - The act of getting beamed from one room to another, ending up with your ass or head on backwards.

scull - the bone structure that aids in supporting the scrotum.

Scullywag- a revolting Gillian Anderson impersonator.

scumptious - Tasting almost as wonderful as pond scum.

scunder - an early Aztec implement of torture which, when clipped to male genitalia, would deliver repeated strikes with a rubber mallet at a frequency dictated by the extent of its winding. Eventually discarded for "not being nearly barbaric enough".

scupid - an angel who clears up dogshit.

sdork - a big white bird that brings babies to idiots, who then raise them to drive in Milan.

Seabrook vision - state of delusion in which one's eyesight produces ripples like those in crinkly crisps.

seatscrunch - an involuntary self-wedgie, performed by wearing loose underwear and sliding forward in your seat suddenly.

sebsite - that point of your scalp which itches.

seeyaks - "we should get together again soon", talk with friends.

self kebab - a form of Japanese ritual suicide involving falling on one's sword.

selftwack - when you somehow make a sound distressingly similar to the breaking of a guitar string.

sell shit in a bag, to - to hype something intrinsically worthless.

selll - roughly the opposite of buying a vowel.

seminars - from "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-arsed discussion.

semirage - being so half-angry you don't notice which leprechaun's head you're slicing off.

sene - a little-known Vietnamese relative of the sheep, the sene is only notable for it's inclusion in the lyrics of 'Sex Machine' by James Brown. Once the record label heard the openly zoophilic lyrics of the song, they insisted mr. Brown alter the word 'sene' to 'scene' on the sleeve notes, on the grounds that it was 'obsene'.

sensimentalgia - a feeling of sentimentality and nostalgia that inexplicably sweeps over one whilst heavily stoned.

seperent - 1. a worm that's been cut in half to see if both halves survive. 2. Remember in The Lord of the Rings, how the Ents were all lonesome and alone, because all the Entwives had vanished? Ever stop to wonder where they had gone?

seppaku - Suicide by over-packing then having the case explode. Usually messier than seppuku.

septichaun - an infected leprechaun.

septicumic - any bloke who can do it seven times or more in a night.

sequal - a second attempt at something that is absolutely identical to the first. A common phenomenon in the Eddings world.

seriety - like seriousness, but worse. So serious, you could hear a pun drop.

seriusly - like a star in the constellation of Canis Major.

setnece - when you strategically place your sibling's daughter somewhere in a block of text.

sewer mind - like a gutter mind, but even lower.

sexcuse - any reason for not putting out. The traditional, cliché sexcuse is, of course, "I have a headache!"

sexty - sexy, but in a really unpleasant, horribly tacky and just generally disgusting way. Examples of incredibly sexty things follow : girls who shave their eyebrows off and redraw them two inches higher, boob tubes, silicon implants, David Hasselhoff, hotpants (on either sex), Page 3, unpleasantly gynecological pornography and cheekbones that are just a little bit *too* big.

Sexus - a car you buy mainly because it attracts members of the opposite gender.

shagnostic - someone who only believes in God at point of orgasm.

shagover - that tired, headachey post-coital feeling.

Shalom Selectives - a brand of shampoo popular in Israel.

Shalon - where rabbis get their hair cut.

shamloo - a urinal hallucinated whilst desperate for a piss.

shampiquefying - diluting shampoo so that you don't have to buy more yet.

shampoontang - really fucking clean.

SHARC - A very dangerous UNIX workstation with lots and lots of teeth.

shatori - talking so much meaningless, illogical, post-cacklepoint bollocks, you inadvertently attain Zen enlightenment and become one with the Universe, and exit the circle of rebirth and dissatisfaction. Then you wake up several hours later with the impression of a keyboard on your face, and a telnet screen with 98,000 f's cheek-typed onto it.

shav - to remove extraneous letters from a word, by means of a razor.

shedlocks - those silly haircuts which make people look like they have a small building on their heads.

Sheppard - a kind of shepherd who pards sheep instead of herding them.

Shergbet - a racing horse that dissolves in contact with water.

shit horizon - not just way past sorry, but way past both boot-kissing and voluntary self-castration. Telling a woman you've just slept with her best friend/mother or she has fat legs is the easiest way to instantly cross the shit horizon. For maximum effect, tell her you've just slept with her best friend, she was better than her, and her legs were thinner. Then emigrate to Pluto.

shit mother lode - the large shit source from which the shit seams themselves stem.

shit seam - a period of time in which things have a tendency to go wrong.

shoppee - any item that is shopped for.

shotting - a new fad in gang and juvenile violence involving large heavy black spheres commonly used in track and field sporting events. Several incidents have occurred in American schools where teenage boys have from out of nowhere thrown shot puts across the schoolyard taking out other students viciously. The most brutal incident involved two 15 year old boys who took a duffel bag of shot puts into their school and were shotting everyone they encountered. One teacher was Shotted multiple times and suffered severe bruising to the ribs, head and groin. Two teenagers when cornered in the school cafeteria resorted to hurling the much heavier and deadlier meatloaf when the shot puts ran out. Both then attempted suicide via lumpy mashed potatoes. perhaps the most disturbing is the new rise in drive by Shottings, gangs of youths wearing letterman jackets and cups roam the streets late at night and when they see a youth wearing rival letter jackets will hurl Shot puts out the window as the drive past. The senate committee on youth violence is blaming the recent "olymics" for this sudden rise in schoolyard athletic violence and is trying to pass a bill banning all "olymic" coverage or at least get the "olymic" committee to regulate and censor their events.

shrinkrap - Chlorpromazine in the house, rollin' with the loonies in C-block, screaming and banging on the bars till the break, the break a' dawn, yeah. Hey. You. What's the sound? Everybody look what's goin' down. Aaaaah yes. Nurse, restraints, everybody goin' mental like that. Word.

shumping - having a surreptitious shag, as quietly as possible.

shushpect - anyone who makes a noise to tell you to be quiet.

shuting - The act of silencing a person by jamming them into a laundry chute.

Sigmudnation fault - when your superego sends a kill -9 to the ego and id. Similar to a Personal System Crash, except more expensive because the only tech support agents are Freudian psychologists, which have picky regulations about coming to every session.

signage - the primary language used in Italy. A gestural language with occasional sounds added for emphasis.

Siliad - the tale of the rise and fall of the Trojan Umpire.

silmascence - that glow people have which indicates to you that they've just had sex and you haven't. The sort of glow that makes you want to stab them repeatedly with a fork.

simpons - tampons closely resembling Marge Simpson's hairdo.

Singaport - when your luggage has been sent to South-East Asia and the airline representative is just sitting there with his/her hands over his/her ears and going 'la la la la la la la la la la la'

singleberry - a single person in a conversation with two married people, who suddenly starts to feel really surplus to requirements.

sinker - that caveman-like thing in an overall in your kitchen, who's practically taken up residence there. Hearken unto the sinker's mating call! *squnch squnch squnch prshhhhh blollp bluuuuuuRRRRRRGHHHunk! bloople* *pause of several seconds* *squnch squnch squnch Flaaaaaaarrrrp! Woshhhh! Hakkhhhhhhh!* 'ug, fkn, grmnmn fkn rlbrng.' *squnch squnch squnch* *funny smell* *hall outside the kitchen begins flooding with brown water*

sinor singeing - Third-degree burning of the sinuses. The end stage of "slightly-frizzled-nose-hair" syndrome.

skange - the accumulated crud you feel on your skin that compels you to shower. Skange comes in several varieties: travelskange, which you feel all over you after 8 hours in an airplane even if you've not done anything to make you skangy; cineskange, which you somehow feel covered in even if you only dropped one popcorn kernel in your cleavage, and a whole variety of others. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling typeskangy, so I'm going to go and deskangify.

Skintlink - A US internet backbone going the way of the dodo^H^H^H^H.com's.

slip on the lemon juice - to cause oneself permanent or temporary brain damage by doing something stupid.

slopcorn - traditional snack eaten whilst watching mudicine. It is made from from mud, and mud.

slurprise - that feeling of startlement when you get soda up your nose.

smaklava - a heroin-flavored Greek dessert.

smellular phone - a new technology that allows you to smell as well as hear the other person. It's not likely to catch on very fast.

smoglodyte - someone who has always lived in big cities.

smorgasborg - something made up entirely of spare parts. Or, Seven of Nine covered in some kind of condiment.

smugger - someone who kicks the shit out of you whilst wearing an extremely self-satisfied expression. Alternatively, someone who is so incessantly chirpy you end up giving them your money to make them fuck off.

smuh - almost smug.

snachyderm - a jumbo sausage.

snackerpunch - when you deck someone because they're about to take the last vol-au-vent from the hors d'oeuvres dish.

sno - snowy, snow-like snow that is a principle ingredient of snow.

snoggle - a compound manoeuvre of affection.

snookerdaddy - an unusual dialectal form of "flapjack".

snorgasbord - a really boring array of food.

snories - Terry Brooks novels.

snowbill - a cocaine-snorting seagull.

snowmeow - when you tie lots of cats to a long bar by their tails, then drag the bar behind your tractor to clear snow from a road.

sodomite - igneous rock formation riddled with penis-sized holes.

softwar - the Vietnam war, but fought using Nerf guns.

soitre - A nasty condition, caused by the swelling of the suavegland in to something analogous to a goitre, which the afflicted one may then proudly show off, not realising that one of the symptoms of the disease is that they are no longer actually producing any style.

somnambience - the relaxed feeling you have after waking up from an abnormally long sleep.

sonasation - the art of playing tunes on or with one's nose.

sordud - a non-functional wood-cutting impliment.

sotne - so soaked you can't speak properly.

sotries - Tales of drunk people.

souperintendent - a guy who goes around throwing soup at people until they give in and let him shag them. I can't disparage this, though, as he still gets more poontang than I do.

spade blindness - an affliction striking those who are digging themselves in to a (metaphorical) hole which makes them completely unable to even see the digging implement, never mind put it down.

sparasol - to share an umbrella.

spastaclasm - a variety of death attack causing involuntary facial muscle maneouvrage. A spastic cataclysm, even.

spazalicalia - strange combinations of food that you'd thing would be disgusting but are actually pretty good. For example : raisins and cheese, smooshed up bourbon biscuits with peanut butter and marmalade, and Waldorf salad.

speach - a fruit that just won't shut the fuck up.

specifically superhuman - beyond one's own capabilities.

speculatio - wondering whether a girl would be good at giving you head.

sperrets - those marks you get on your face from sleeping on chenille.

spesify - to make something look very very spesy.

spesy - a random word invented to make the one right before it fit. It's probably similar to a suisi.

spider blowing - a pastime for a sole participant. The game is played by blowing large purple spiders at inanimate objects, including people, and watching them splat on contact, or in extreme cases zoom through (if there should be some means of passage, for example the various aural and nasal cavities). See also calify.

spider building - the process of building spiders, as any fool should realise.

spielberghious - dramatic in ways that you can only imagine.

spinkizillisquazillion - a rarely used number, it's value is infinity minus one. If all the matter in the entire Universe were converted into biros and paper, you still couldn't write down all the zeroes on the end. It has been calculated that, theoritically, should there have been enough, during the period of time that it took, the entire Universe would have reassembled itself into the shape of a roast chicken, an exact copy of Elvis would have been born who urinated Chanel no.5, who would have produced the entire works of Shakespreare, Milton, Byron, Wordsworth, Marlowe, Mark, Engels and Geoffrey Archer by randomly hitting a typewriter, Cagney & Lacey would have been repeated a googleplex squared times, and several trains would have run in the UK.

splug - what shitting spulgers produce on your windscreen. Also spluggers : pigeons that lie in wait on bridges before traffic lights.

Spocky - little tiny chocolate biscuits shaped like Vulcans.

sponsor - to engage in sexual intercourse with.

sporfe - the TRUE Grand Unified Theory of Cutlery.

sprink - attempt to remove a spot by pushing it back into your head. This never, ever works.

spulgers - Particularly evil pigeons.

squated - fated to squat... like a tourist in a curry shop.

squireel - a cross-breed between a squirrel and a conger eel.

stacology - the science of neatly piling up human excrement.

STATEIOF - Supremely Tipsy Arseholes Throwing Eggs Into Old Fords. An anarchist activist group that rears its ugly head from time to time, and causes a spate of egg-bombings on Ford Fiestas.

Stephrenia - the condition where you get very, very friendly with the birthday girl at a given party.

stereotipping - emptying your rubbish bin in full Nicam Digital Stereo.

sterotypic - When your fingers get too muscled to type properly.

stiffle - to desperately attempt to conceal an erection.

stober - as inebriated as a newt.

stomache - a small container for mashed potatoes.

straphics - people with long hair who incessantly chew on it.

strofe - to strafe with strokes, as is occasionally done to a cat you haven't seen in a while.

stuggles - trying to get out of the water by ANY means necessary.

stunami - a stream of pretentious bollocks issuing forth from a student's mouth.

stupen - the sort of person that would look at a box, see a sign on it saying "Under no fucking circumstances should you ever open this box. This means you, honky.", wonder what's in it, and open it to find out. Like that dizzy Greek bint named after Adrian Mole's girlfriend.

Stupid Tax - a form of tax administered in many forms, most notably State or National Lotteries, or emails promising to make you lose 40 stone in 15 seconds.

suavegland - The part of the body, located between mouth and brain, which is responsible for the production of style.

Suburbiton - a generic part of Greater London that is suburban enough to have the occasional tree.

suddlently - as though you've just had a wank in a publicly accessible place and gotten away with it.

sufa - an Indian poetry-writing seat.

suin - a feather left behind by a swan.

suisi - A small catlike thing used to clean windows.

suisicidal - In the manner of something that kills suisis.

sumerfield - a supermarket where the stuff on the shelves is really really old. Not to be confused with TossCo, where it's just shite.

sumerise - 1. To transport back in time to the ancient civilisation in Mesopotamia. 2. The stuff they rub on Sumo Wrestlers to make them fat, before baking them.

sundried tomatoes - tomatoes which have been scattered to sundry places. Not to be confused with sun-dried tomatoes, which are entirely another matter. Other objects can also be sundried, but it isn't advisable to try it with an elephant.

sunk - a broken sink.

suprising - an uprising against those who insist on calling dinner "supper".

surerised - when you make damn sure that there's enough yeast in your baking.

survoidance - irrational mall walking to avoid someone with a clipboard.

suspicioyly - of food, in the manner of something so greasy you can't tell what it is.

svagger - to walk normally, somewhere between a stagger and a swagger.

swaishock - the state of instant shock that a group of dyslexics go into when they get off a plane to discover they're in Swaziland rather than Switzerland.

Swelly - a little-known Pokemon. Swelly's special ability is to make it's left foot swell to over five times its normal size. Swelly can evolve into Swellor, whose special ability is to make its right eye swell up dramatically. This causes such intense pain that Swellor blacks out.

swongle - putting the numbers the wrong way round in a +bbread, so you inadvertantly get a post about Ruritanian salt, etc.

sworn enema - an enema received as a punishment for perjury.

sylables - Well, you know how Debs was going on earlier about mis-spent youths? Well, when she puts these Spent Youths in her collection, the jars she uses are labelled with...you guessed it.

sympathic - as in a sympath, one who plays Sim City/Earth/Farm/Ant/etc. for the sole purpose of building a city/earth/farm/ant/etc. and destroying it violently.

T   (Back to the top?)

T-shit - those things that you buy for $25 in Carnaby Street, or equivalent tourist-trap shopping area, and immediately become two sizes too small and faded. I mean, really, it's a T-shit - ya damn foo, what does it sound like?

tactical forced food escape - a strategic chunder, during a drinking binge, that enables one to continue drinking without filling one's stomach. Somehow not as satisfying as the unforced version, which sounds in some bizarre way more eloquent. This generally has unwanted side effects on one's breath, to which a recommended counter-balance is strawberry ice cream.

taebonics - those pointless hand gestures and arm flails that are invariable perpetrated by rappers in their videos, that are then faithfully emulated by the mindless automatons they call fans.

takaweegie - completely useless gadget that is eventually used for a purpose undreamed of by its inventor.

taking the pifth - being extremely scathing and sarcastic without even saying a word.

Talking Hods - a band of stoned brickies.

tangent - 1. a highly valuable ent, dating from the Tang dynasty, whose entioneers made the finest ents of any era. 2. future negative of the verb 'to tange', meaning, 'to fellate one's own dog'. 3. even more tangy than the tangiest. We're talking supertangy here. We're past pickled onions, we're past relish, we're into the realms of supertangons, which have only so far existed purely in the realms of theoretical physics.

Taost - the Way... to make toast. Hence also taoster, one who follows Eastern philosophy in breakfast preparations.

tardware - politically incorrect software for those "special people", usually bought with money raised through fundraisers whose main slogans include "Give generously, for the people that receive your help communicate through a series of grunts and gurgles and have the computational power of compost." Also, those stupid computer programming tutorials for the blind. If they haven't updated it, go to http://www.blindprogramming.com and read their Visual Basic tutorial. I highly recommend it if you need to get rid of something you've recently eaten. Basically, tardware is software that is hyped beyond belief, released six months late, costs several million dollars to make, and is rubbish. Not that anyone's bitter or anything.

Tarkini - the type of maternity bathing suit with a large skirt type panel in front of the belly portion of the suit. This model of suit is, for some reason all too prevalent. This particular type of suit seems to go along with a sort of modified Bugblatter Beast of Traal logic, namely that if you hide it behind a panel that looks more like a tarpaulin, you might not be able to see it - even though this is about as logical as trying to hide an elephant by putting a pillow sham over its head, and about as effective too.

tarrorist - fortune tellers who bomb shopping centres.

tasp - the tangled mess you find in a box despite having packed perfectly arranged wires and cables in it.

tatercrater - hole dug in mashed potatoes to keep the gravy in.

Tarzan effect - the technical term for what is generally known as a bad hair day.

Technigrey - the height of TV technology c.1943. Also see Nicam Mono.

telecrastinate - to let your phone ring three times before answering it, even though you are only a few feet away.

telepithic - Capable of mental communication with the yucky white stuff on the inside of orange peel. This ability is often brought on by copious intake of mind-altering substances, and is usually noted whilst studying individual carpet fibres.

televisual apathy - a strange effect which makes people unable to change channel or switch off after starting to watch.

tempt-agencies - where one goes to hire temptresses or temptors (or tempt-people, if you prefer).

terminal morning syndrome - the cause of really supremely terrible mornings, which are generally termed by many unenlightened people as "early afternoons".

tewt - an amphibious phrase. What THAT is is entirely another matter.

The Stupid Rock - a large well-worn stone that seems to have spent the last two hundred years or so being mailed back and forth across the world, from family to family, every time a new idiot is born...

Theorum - a kind of alcoholic beverage that may or may not exist. Since the only people who try to prove it are Mormons, this will probably remain theoretical forever.

thoght - a sort of highly intelligent yoghurt. Don't know where I'm going with this one, but I can juxtapose it with the Stupid Rock if it'd help matters...

thoundering - a clumsy Storm God might do this when a more co-ordinated Deity might come Thundering Down on somebody or something.

threatern - 1. a sea bird that says it'll crap on your towel on purpose if you don't go away. 2. When you tell the President of the United States of America that you're going to take your undrycleaned dress to the newspapers.

threek - a fork with a bent tine.

thrickle - itch in the back of the throat scratched by making noises.

thronie - jiggle you give the handle of a toilet to make it stop running.

thrue - the odd tunnel like object that appears between the ears of the empty headed.

thrumbobango - a very bad headache.

thsi - The psychic power harnessed when you pluck spelling errors from other people's brains.

thundercruncher - term for a really loud, ripping fart. The sort of fart that changes the way you walk.

thwappe - a peculiarly violent milkshakelike substance, that is partly made of nitroglycerin.

tiefright - the fear of turning the twist-tie in the wrong direction.

Timmy the Tapeworm - an unsuccessful early Disney character. See also Andy the Amoeba, Cindy the Cockroach and Perry the Pubic Louse.

tinticals - what middleaged octopuses do to try and make themselves desirable.

tiolet - a fjordful of tea.

titfall - that 'sproingy-wooshy' kinda feeling when you take off a push-up bra.

tmbleweeds - the trademarked variety of those fucking things.

tmoric - incredibly arsey about intellectual property. Having a name beginning with M seems to engender natural tmoricity (Microsoft, Metallica).

toast - a euphemism for sex. NOTE: Not all people are aware of this word, so it is inadvisable, if talking to a girl over breakfast, to ask her if she fancies a bit of sex. Depending of course on who she is.

todlitter - food debris under high chair after an attempted feeding.

toefu - the sudden realisation, usually made in the shower or bath, that one or more of your toes is actually not truly your own flesh, but is really just a chunk of bean curd made to resemble your own flesh. This discovery tends to rob people of their sanity for a short period of time, during which they are often very loud, and frequently channel the Punster Spirit, and run around yelling things like "How and why has this o-curd?"

tokomak tiara - stupid 8-shaped headgear.

Tolkein - the yardstick by which all other misspelt fantasy authors must be measured. Most famous for his 'Lord of the Grins' trilogy.

Tomorow - a Utopia-like, mystical future time that one is given a small glimpse into whilst inebriated. Tomorow, we will start a sausage dog mail order company, get a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on our left buttock and sell all our worldy possessions, move into a Winnebago and tour Siberia. Unfortunately, Tomorow tends to be displaced by the arrival of tomorrow. And we all know what happens then.

tomorrowday - a term used by people who stay up until the wee hours of the morning but still refer to the day that they've passed into as "Tomorrow". Hence, if they are up for 2 full nights, yesterday is theoretically tomorrow. To avoid this confusion, after 2 nights you refer to it as the third tomorrowday, after three nights as the fourth etc.

Toothpich - a baseball move that results in the second baseman crawling around near shortstop, bleeding from the mouth.

tooty-fruity - an amusingly camp trumpet player.

Toronot - anywhere else in Canada.

torky - a turkey with a Geordie attitude.

torterous - In the manner of a tortoise.

toucanic - as manic as a toucan, which is very, very manic indeed.

touers - very tall people who sell tickets.

toughts - A form of round, almost bread-like pastry, now sadly no longer available. Considered by some to be the true proto-bagel, but that's probably a sack of shite.

touper - a French verb meaning 'to glue a dead cat to one's head'.

traget - that small fluffy thing down the end of your sights. With big eyes.

train crasher - the updated job title in the United Kingdom for what was formally known as a 'train driver'. It tallies with the now longstanding entry requirements that the driver has to be a) on drugs b) an M.E. sufferer c) blind d) mad or e) dead.

trampires - fanged people that sit in doorways in ragged capes smelling of piss.

trannycold - so cold, you temporarily change sex.

transcenddental - so fucking cool, your teeth fall out.

Transcendemmental - where the holes in the evolutionary chain of cheeseology came from.

transect - when a Baptist marries a Methodist.

transendmental - how you feel after getting off the plane to Japan or Australia.

transjuicer - a jug used to carry fruit juices. Or, more generally, any vessel that contains the juice between the fruit and the human body.

translater - A meaning that doesn't come to you until after you needed it.

transportal propulsion - broader term, covering doorication, windowisal, and floorifying.

transverbal - beyond words....

Transvestitropy - a disease of the blood brought on by being bitten by a cross dresser. Thus making the affected individual need to cross dress once a month when the moon is full.

trap-on - a torture device used for catching innocent passing dicks.

trashcase - loser.

trellencism - a sense of rising panic whereby you know you have something very important to complete by the very near future but you're too lazy to actually get off your arse and do it.

triade - a fizzy drink only made in threes.

triatic - that feeling you have when you are totally, totally sure a titanically huge argument is going to erupt with you and your partner.

trie - 1. A tribe of people incapable of pronouncing the letter B due to an oscure irth defect. 2. An attempt at spelling, as in "If at first you can't spell anything at all to save your life, trie, trie, trie again."

trigger mortis - that irritating feeling of numbness that comes over you when you've been shot in some part of your body that you need.

Tronto - the Lone Ranger's Canadian companion in an 80s scifi flick. I always thought it was odd that the called him the LONE Ranger, since this guy was always hanging out with him. Probably just more of that anti-Canadianism that seems so prevalent in the United States.

truffid - world-conquering Belgian confectionery.

trumptricate - to attempt to compliment an ugly gift in a thank you note, or (more broadly) to over-effusively praise something which really doesn't deserve it.

trunkate - to cut short with a viciously swung elephant.

Tubular Bills - the remix of Mike Oldfield by British Telecom.

tunar - sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

Tuquila - Spanish word for "of a rare species". Thus, "Tuquila mockingbird", for example.

turdgid - a word whose only use is to describe the later albums produced by bands when they are far past their creative peaks but have millions of pounds/dollars and years of time fired at them by a desperate, cash-hungry record label in the vain hope they'll produce a masterpiece. In reality, a set of third-rate songs but with a hundred-piece orchestra clumsily stapled over the top is invariably produced. For an example of a classically turdgid album listen to Embrace's first one, except in this case, they went straight to the turdgid stage without ever having any creative peak, or indeed talent, in the first place.

turdsday - whatever day it is when you change the cat box.

turdware - Like tardware, but the software is absolute shit.

tushpaste - what you brush your arse with.

tution - the chemical element that forms most ballerinas' outfits.

tuxic - lethally bad weddingwear.

tychopath - a deranged astronomer who will not hesitate to use his metallic nose as a lethal weapon.

U   (Back to the top?)

uggy - something sufficiently nasty-looking to make you go 'Ugh'.

ugshot - the picture on your passport or (in some countries) driver's license.

umbrace - the small strap that holds an umbrella in place.

umbrellactic - the protective sleeve of a compact umbrella.

Umland - a place that nobody knows how to get to.

umu - a large, indecisive bird.

unanumous - when an entire electorate unites behind one arsehole.

underhoodist - station attendant with a genius for locating hood latches.

underware - the sign hanging up outside my Dirty Laundry room.

unfish - horn.

uniphrenic - the mental disorder in which one only has a single personality. Hee hee nyuRARA kzUNGA!!

Unicverse - the empty intergalactic wastes of hard disk space in between UNIX partitions.

unpupular - anyone whose dog refuses to play with them.

Unrgowy - the noise Chewbacca makes when he's doing a pressed Mynock against the Millennium Falcon's windscreen.

unshit - pretty good actually. I retract my previous statement of "Shit."

unturtulate - to unfold oneself from a turtlesque position on a couch.

unword - a word, such as, 'a' or 'the', that, when you look it up in a dictionary says, 'X (pronunciation) - This words means.. um.. I dunno, you speak English, don't you? or you wouldn't be able to use this dictionary. In which case, you must have no life because you waste time looking up stupid words which you already know the meaning of in dictionaries just to see what i've written the meaning as being. So just bog off and get a bloody life, okay?' There's unwords in Webster, and one day, I will find them. Until that day, my search continues.

upp - when you're so sure you've taken ecstasy, you run over and hug a policeman, but then find it was an aspirin and you have no "I have a headache" excuse when he then wants to screw you.

UR-All - a REALLY long URL.

Uranium-269 - an unpopular porno from 1974 where Open University professors slip out of those hot clothes.

urinalysis - the study of pissed off people.

V   (Back to the top?)

vacubeam - the useless headlight on some vacuum cleaners.

Vaderhosen - Anakin Skywalker's underwear.

vaffanculo - 'Have a nice day' in Italian.

vagitarian - any person who only eats...well, you get the idea.

valious - full of valleys which are filled with Valium.

Vegamite - it's like a console game you can spread on toast. Or, alternatively, put in boiling water.

vegetinting - taking items from salad bars to make your plate colorful.

velocipede - very fast, many-legged creature. It is endowed with these two properties so that it can dodge the books, rolled-up newspapers and other reading materials that humans use to mangle it.

verbal fractal - a word that just keeps on growing. Example:

deifinition - To worship dictionaries.
 
feiinition - to worship cat-shaped dictionaries.
 
feiination - countries that worship cat-shaped dictionaries.
 
feiinationalise - The decentralisation of production of robotic cat shaped 
dictionary worshippers.
 
Defeiinationalisation - Office workers dealing with decentralisation of 
production of robotic cat-shaped dictionary worshippers throwing themselves 
out of the window.
 
Autoantidefeiinationalisationators - Trained cybernetic chimpanzees empowered 
with stopping office workers dealing with decentralisation of production of 
robotic cat-shaped dictionary worshippers throwing themselves out of the window. 
 
porautoantidefeiinationalisationatorphiles - Porpoises who exist on an exclusive 
diet of trained cybernetic chimpanzees empowered with stopping office workers 
dealing with decentralisation of production of robotic cat-shaped dictionary 
worshippers throwing themselves out of the window.
 
porautoantidefeiinationalisationatorphilophobia - To be mortally afraid of 
porpoises who exist on an exclusive diet of trained cybernetic chimpanzees 
empowered with stopping office workers dealing with decentralisation of 
production of robotic cat-shaped dictionary worshippers throwing themselves out 
of the window.
 
Zungoporautoantidefeiinationalisationatorphilophobiagermanicophagia - To 
consume people who are mortally afraid of porpoises who exist on an exclusive 
diet of trained cybernetic chimpanzees empowered with stopping office workers 
dealing with decentralisation of production of robotic cat-shaped dictionary 
worshippers throwing themselves out of the window, whilst wearing a hat with 
a propellor on it, in Germany. 
 
Autoeroticozungoporautoantidefeiinationalisationatorphilophobiagermanicopha-
giaosisonology - The study into people who gain erotic pleasure in consuming 
people who are mortally afraid of porpoises who exist on an exclusive diet of 
trained cybernetic chimpanzees empowered with stopping office workers dealing 
with decentralisation of production of robotic cat-shaped dictionary worshippers 
throwing themselves out of the window, whilst wearing a hat with a propellor on 
it, in Germany.

vigilauntie - an overbearing relative who insists on policing your every move, "for your own good".

vil - what you give to your children in Germany.

violince - what is likely to be done to beginners who practise within earshot of anyone who isn't dead, deaf or both.

voiolent - how you get when your only use for a dictionary is thumping folk.

voltures - Electronic vultures.

vumpire - Nope, sorry, that bite was illegal. You're out.

W   (Back to the top?)

Wakner - a little-known 70's detective show. The vastly superior Quincy and Colombo easily displaced Wakner and his trademark huge cigar.

wallificate - to cause (something) to climb a wall.

wankerity - a property that one must possess in order to be considered a wanker. Obviously, the greater a person's wankerity, the more that person will be considered so, and the more roundly despised the person will be.

wankstas - People in chatrooms. Typically, 14 years old, listens to Limp Bizkit and Ice Cube, hates 'fags' but loves 'bitches', masturbates 8 times a day and reckons everything 'sucks'. Has yet to locate the caps lock button on a keyboard.

walzed - when a skateboarder comes in too high off the jump, and hits the supermarket wall with his face.

waveling - waggling your bellybutton at someone in greeting.

wayches - those daft things that Swatch make that will tell you all kinds of navigational data but fail to mention the actual time.

webswellpanic - when you spend 15 minutes in an increasing panic trying to spell 'gonnhoraea' (or whatever) right so you can define it to find out the symptoms to see if you've caught it. This is hearsay, by the way.

wedding ring tones - beeping noises made by engaged people.

wee-wee pedal - an accessory enabling guitarists to play flowing descending glissandos.

weech - an amount of rain falling onto your car's windscreen that is just enough to be annoying to drive along looking through but not enough to fully lubricate your windscreen wiper's passage across the screen, producing a nasty screech when you try and wipe it away.

weggetts - the little bobbles you get on your socks as a result of using "old and inferior" washing powder as opposed to "new and improved".

werehamsters - people who develop an overpowering urge to fill their cheeks with millet and run in giant wheels every full moon.

werepeople - wolves who go to wine bars at full moons.

werren - a old and sad looking set of clothes that you save to wear on washing day in order to wash everything else at once.

wet lag - the inordinately long time that passes between the moment you step out of the shower and the moment you are actually completely dry.

Wherethehellawi - an African tribe with poor navigation skills.

whine bar - a long metal rod used to batter moaners with. Unsympathetic? Moi?

whink - When you think about winking at someone.

whipe - To keep your hand stationary and move your head along it to remove the tear.

whistle-dick - the little flippy bit on some kettles that if you flip it up, it doesn't whistle, and if you flip it down, it does whistle.

Who Wants To Be A Meal - a cannibal game show, and a lesbian battle cry.

whor - an old French guy who stands around on street corners, ritually confusing tourists.

wiater - liquid that won't fucking shut up.

WinEmmy - the operating system that Microsoft rejected, WinEmmy quickly reduces your computer to a first class worry processor. To exit WinEmmy and return to your original operating system, it is suggested that you type "meme blinky confuzzle".

winker - a season that flirts with you. Also someone who gets erotic pleasure from batting their eyelids repeatedly.

Winnegar - the bitter condiment they make from horse piss.

wips - The freckles that slide off Italians' greasy faces at birth.

wirter - *TWO* wooden legs...

wisecreaks - comebacks that are so old they can apply for Medicare.

wishwasher - a lucky ballcock.

wysteria - the feeling of being both happy and sad, simultaneously, for the same reason.

witlag - the delay time (measured in seconds) between delivery and comprehension of a joke.

wizzdom - the effect of a full bladder on completing a complicated thought.

wobbliwad - a folded piece of paper stuck under one leg of a table as a balance. Often used during school exams.

wodden - a Norse god made out of wood.

wodners - those little creatures that you only manage to differentiate from tree roots once you've stepped on five or six of them.

Wolvo - A large, furry grey estate car.

wom - a wombat without a bat.

wombat - to have supremely good sex. Although it originally stems from the concept of sex hanging upside down in a wombat cave. Also wombatter.

wonderd - A bunch of gazelles in Superman costumes. Even faster than whatever it is that is faster than a speeding bullet.

wooning - to inadvertantly fly by running up a slope very quickly and not realising for an hour you've run out of slope. By which time you're forty thousand feet over Munich.

wordle - an articulated turtle.

workling - Small, busy, pathetic. With big eyes.

World Guild of Pizza Impressionists - a ubiquitous sect of people who are sadly deficient in the art of road traversal.

Wowey - the word to use when all the other sweet and affectionate adjectives are getting overused.

woyed - being interrogated by small children, only using one particular word to respond to your answers, for hours on end. This has often led to murder.

wreblies - wraps filled with something that ain't quite wheat, ain't quite corn...

wriglimortis - the effect of a cold drink on a piece of chewing gum.

writerlin - special pills they give to people of an artistic disposition, 5000 times stronger than normal sedatives. Coincidentally, vodka has a similar effect.

writresses - those lawyers' assistants whose sole function is to serve you with notice of required court appearances.

wuden - something made of wud.

wunk - when your wanking is interrupted by you hitting your head.

X   (Back to the top?)

xoof - a sound made by dogs with speech impediments.

Y   (Back to the top?)

yardshtick - lame neighbourly quips exchanged in the back garden.

yassararafat - the sound of a well-endowed woman removing her bra suddenly, whether intended or otherwise. I don't believe this requires further explanation...

yawking - speaking and yawning simultaneously.

Yoderotica - suggestive sexual comments made in the style of Yoda. Somehow, this usually fails to achieve the intended results.

yok - a convex yak used for cooking stir-fries.

Yuet - a really gross dessert-type food invented many moons ago by a four-foot-tall Romanian psychopath in order to get even with the world, for reasons best known to himself. It has the approximate consistency, taste and nutritional value of unhardened concrete. Some experts have controversially suggested that it may in fact BE unhardened concrete, but we're not speculating as we might get sued.

yump - to punch one's glove in anticipation of an arriving baseball.

yunk - a lump of toffee/caramel. When it has fused to the top of your mouth and refuses to shift without using anything less than a large crowbar, which it invariably does, this is known as 'deyunking'.

Yuristat - medication that keeps all your Russians the same. Except for turning them orange.

Z   (Back to the top?)

zeed - re-spelt according to American rules. Which is pointless. As for "zee" vs. "zed", that's just 'cause the average American is unable to learn the alphabet unless it rhymes.

znugglezzz - snuggles when you're very very tired, or falling asleep snuggling.

ZX Top - a band comprising robots made by Sinclair. They could only remember four notes each. They irreparably crashed after two albums.

zynglers - those black flaps on a baggage claim in an airport, which mysteriously luggurgitate, although when you flagrantly violate airport safety regulations by peeking through them, you never see any sign of activity. Not ever.

zzungling - standing in a field wearing a Frenchman-shaped condom, whilst waving at chipmunk-shaped clouds and smoking alfalfa, honk honk squawk! then unscrewing your tongue until your arse falls off.