1. While renting a stack of 6 pornographic films every day does, technically, make you a good customer, mostly what it makes you is creepy.
2. Renting Caligula does not make the clerk think you are a connoisseur of porn. It makes the clerk think you don't know a bad movie when you see it.
3. While it may be true that you are done with your tapes as soon as you are physically done with your tapes, basic human decency dictates that you should wash your hands before handling them.
4. Seriously. If you really expect the clerk to handle your personal lubricants and bodily fluids, you should be offering well above the $6.25 an hour he or she is currently making.
5. Standing in the foreign film section and looking thoughtful for 30 seconds before heading down to the porn section doesn't fool anybody.
6. Yes, someone has already made that joke. I don't care what it is; someone has already made it.
7. If you are hoping to boyishly flirt with one of the female clerks, you should perhaps try to shoot for a day when you aren't renting Filthy Whore Part 7.
8. Same deal with Cum-Gobbling Sluts.
9. If you are a straight male and the last three titles you have rented are World's Largest Cocks, Big Black Monster Dicks, and Huge Fucking Cocks, it might be time to do some hard thinking.
10. If you are man enough to rent Double Anal Club 5, you should be man enough to pay your goddamned late fees. Stop arguing.
11. The reason all the clerks seemed to immediately get wise to your little "You put the wrong movie in the bag and I shouldn't have to pay for it" scam is we put a note on your computer file, you idiot.
12. Talking loudly and importantly on your cell phone during your porn rental transaction does not impress anybody. In fact, it is the one guaranteed way to make sure the clerks will be doing cruel, deadly accurate impersonations of you the second you're out the door.
13. In real life, I assure you, women do not fear your cock.
14. Yes, we can see you quite clearly on the security monitor. Which means that in addition to refraining from touching yourself, we'd appreciate it if you gave the nose picking a rest.
15. Even the least discerning porn renter should be able to tell that the producers of Dude, Where's My Spooge? could be trying harder. Put that down.
16. In the unlikely event that you actually have sex with a real woman, you might want to brace yourself for the fact that she's probably going to have pubic hair.
17. And no, it doesn't naturally grow in the shape of a little Hitler moustache.
18. Renting Japanese anime porn doesn't fool anybody either. Especially when the title is Nightmare Demon Sex Campus 3000.
19. If you are a married man coming in from another county to rent gay porn so your wife doesn't know, it might be a good idea to get those suckers back in on time.
20. Yes, we can smell fear. If you suffer from Extreme Porn Embarrassment, you'd better be very friendly to the clerks. Otherwise, just to be sure we have pulled the correct films, we may have to check you selected titles with you from across the store.
