Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

30 Things I Have Learned at My New Job at the Video Store, Which I Started One Week Before My 30th Birthday

1. Yes, the clerk can look up every title you have ever rented.

2. Gold tags are for classic or foreign films.

3. All the Sartre and Camus in the world will not make you question the universe so much as one look at the box for the video Fuck Pigs 5.

4. Mason likes death metal .

5. A maroon tag could be for a cult film or an alternative lifestyle-themed film. You either have to know the movie or just go look. It's no big deal: the sections are right next to each other.

6. Men in the gay porn section do not mind me coming in to restock the tags.

7. Men in the straight porn section mind it a lot.

8. Except for those who are a little too interested in talking to me.

9. As an assistant manager, Megan does not think it is appropriate to play death metal in the store.

10. Blue tags are for dramas.

11. Upon reflection, it is not so much the fact that the nice young ladies on the box are referred to as "fuck pigs" that bothers me, but the fact that this is apparently the fifth in a series.

12. Mason thinks Megan has been trying to get death metal banned because she doesn't like it.

13. Latin Thugs is a very, very popular title.

14. Action movies get red tags.

15. Megan likes death metal, really, it's just that she's tired of hearing Steve the manager bitch about it.

16. For reasons beyond my ken, Prague is a popular destination for both gay and straight pornographic filmmakers.

17. Comedies get yellow tags.

18. Mason plays a little guitar. Casey plays the drums.

19. One day, Mason and Casey will jam together.

20. The beat cop's name is Tony.

21. Sometimes people steal the porn boxes. Not the videos, just the boxes.

22. Megan plays a little bass.

23. The "bisexual" porn section is inaccurately named. It is in fact transsexual porn. Bisexual porn that involves girl-on-girl action goes to the straight section. Guy-on-guy action goes to the gay section.

24. Horror movies get red or clear tags.

25. Mason doesn't really want Megan to enjoy death metal. She is, after all, a girl. It would somehow be less bad-ass if she really got it. Mason does not express this thought, but it is there.

26. If the credit card printer is acting up, turn it off and turn it back on again. It will work. No one knows why.

27. One of the regular customers has a flag on his computer file because he has a habit of returning tapes covered in lube.

28. Easy access to video equipment has made the porn industry more egalitarian, but has also caused a huge drop in quality, at least as far as thinking up clever titles goes.

29. Obviously, the New Releases section is going to have tags of every color, except for the Adult stuff, which goes into Adult New Releases downstairs.

30. None of them are consciously aware of this, but Mason and Casey are never, ever going to let Megan jam with them.