But many of the situations I’ve been though and the decisions that I’ve made have been voluntary. That’s what makes me so different from Mac. She was raised in a tough environment, and throughout her adult life, tragedy just seems to follow her like a shadow. No matter how hard she tries, and how doggedly she works, fate never seems to give her a break.
I’ve seen her near the edge of a breakdown too many times to mention, yet she never snapped… until Sadiq returned. He pushed her to her limit, then cruelly left her with the aftermath upon his death (which he richly deserved, I might add). Still, somehow, she reached inside for inner strength to pull through. I honestly don’t know how she does it, but she will never cease to be my inspiration.
And now, just a few months later, she was hit with a double sucker punch – her endometriosis, and Clay’s “death”. How could life be so cruel, so cold hearted? Doesn’t it know that she’s had enough, more than others must suffer throughout their entire lives?
I’m doing what I can in the medical department… many a night I’ve sat at the computer with no thought of sleep, searching the Internet for any information I can find on her condition. It seems like such a small thing, but it’s all I can do right now. And despite the fact that she doesn’t yet feel comfortable discussing the subject, I could tell from the expression in her eyes that she’s grateful.
And Webb… ugh, I still can hardly stand to think – let alone say – his name. That wretch yanked Mac’s heart out and stomped on it, then promptly tried to beg for her forgiveness, swearing yet again that he loves her and wants a future with her. How dare he? How could he even have the guts to speak to her, let alone try to lure her back into his life? His way of thinking will never fail to sicken me.
Almost everything she’s ever trusted about her life has been questioned, compromised, or twisted into a distorted fashion. The man she loved nearly killed her, someone she trusted betrayed her, and her own body has turned against her. Sitting with Mac in the sand a few minutes ago, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so defeated. So, I did the only thing I could do – offered an ear to listen, and silently, a shoulder to cry on if needed.
But she held back… again. In the nine years she’s been in my life, that is the one thing that frustrates me about her. She’s always so strong, so stubborn to take care of her own problems. Why can’t she understand that what I want more than anything in the world is for her to pour out her heart to me, to tell me all that she feels, fears, and desires? What will convince her to open up to me? I told her only a few weeks ago that I will always be there for her. Did she believe me? Does she truly know, in her heart of hearts, that I will forever be by her side?
In all the time I’ve known Mac, I’m dead certain of this: she can’t be pressured to do anything she doesn’t want to until she’s ready. And that knowledge is what led me to do the hardest thing of my entire life: walk away from her.
