V. Dawn

October 7th


"Why, do I still love you like this?" The words stung and twisted in Nathaniel's gut. He buried his face in the green, velvet again, utterly miserable and sore in both body and soul.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled and hoped that he'd be allowed to stay there, with his nose buried in Damian's scent. There wasn't really much else to say, was there? An apology, poor as it might be, was still true...He was so sorry he could scream and cry and beat himself to death...Two out of three he'd already done. No more tears left, not enough strength to summon a cry.

He had walked back to Damian's room after dawn, like a thief.... He had no right...No right at all...He was sorry for that too. Sorry that he was so weak. Forced his own presence on a person who didn't want him there.

"I know..." Damian rolled off him and left him feeling naked and stained; semen and blood leaking out on his skin. Guilt like a twinge in his gut; never ending maelstrom of pain.

"I'll leave now," Nathaniel said brokenly. "You won't have to see me again," he bit into his lower lip and his vision was blurred with tears. He didn't want to face Damian now. He wished for a place where he could be all alone and lick his wounds, where nobody could see him, or his sorrow.

"Nathaniel, you silly cat," Damian replied in a low, annoyed voice. "You really think this is about you, don't you?"

Nathaniel didn't reply. He felt if even more miserable and almost forgot to breathe while waiting for the stroke. He could feel Damian sitting up in the bed beside him, his hand reached before his sight to pick up a white shirt lying on a chair by the bed. Damian was getting dressed.

"And where will you go?" The vampire's voice said bitterly. "To him? Your new lover?"

The words stung and hurt him and Nathaniel cringed on the bed, still he lay flat with his belly pressed to the mattress; he wouldn't move unless Damian told him to, completely submitted to the other's will. Now and forever, if he was to chose. He wanted to be Damian's kitty, nobody else's...

"He's not my lover," he whispered. " I am so weak, Damian," he explained, then added with in a nervous voice: "I don't have to be your boyfriend anymore, but please... don't turn me away from your bed..." It sounded so pathetic, like such a selfish plea. Nathaniel was ashamed but he had to say it. He couldn't bear the thought of being without him. "But if you don't want to I can understand it and I won't ask you anymore...I won't talk to you again if you don't want to...I'll disappear, I swear!" He turned his head now and looked at the vampire; the green, stern gaze of his, the pale, beautiful profile, and his insides burned and screamed with pain. His beast howled inside of him and his heart bled bitterly.

"I'm so sorry!" he burst out and angrily wiped the treacherous tears from his eyes. "I'm nothing!" he declared. "I really tried to be good and be a good lover for you and you alone! I tried to be what you wanted me to be...proud and strong but it's a lie, Damian, because I'm not! I'm weak and small and I can't resist them and...and...they can see it Damian! They can smell that I'll give it up! They see through me like I was made of glass...I can't hide it!" he cried for real now. "I'm just a whore, Damian...I am nothing like you...I'm so sorry you've thought better of me and wasted your time..." Nathaniel looked away again. Broke off the stare that had kept them connected.

"If you like I can...I can...come here and sleep with you," he said. " Nobody would have to know about it..." he added. "You don't have to be gentle...just do what you like..." he offered in a hoarse whisper.

Damian sat silent for a minute. When he spoke his voice was flat and without emotion:

"Why, Nathaniel, would you let me do that?"

"Because I love you," it came without hesitation but he didn't look at the vampire, didn't want to see his beautiful lover's face like that: Empty and cold.

"You'd let me do it anyway wouldn't you? Because you simply can't say no!"

"I *did* say no..." He tried to defend himself but it came out slow and without spark. It didn't matter, the game was lost. To his amazement Damian chuckled. Gave a bitter little laugh as if cut from an old-fashioned vampire movie:

"I know you tried, Nathaniel," he replied. " I never doubted that you would..."

Nathaniel gave a little sigh of relief, at least Damian didn't think him evil or something...

"It's who you are," Damian continued. "Don't you think I knew this would happen sooner or later?"

"I'm sorry," Nathaniel repeated. "I can change...?" Despite himself he felt a little flare of hope...maybe Damian would keep him as a pet...Oh, he hoped so, he dearly hoped so...

"No, you can't," the vampire crushed his illusions. "You can't change that, it's who you are..."

"I'm sorry!" Damian was right. Nothing he could say or do but apologize.

"What did he want, Nathaniel? That vampire last night...what did he want from you?" Damian suddenly changed direction.

"He... just sex," Nathaniel said a little surprised. "And maybe a connection to Anita or Jean-Claude, I don't know..."

Damian laughed again. It unnerved him, made him insecure...

"Nathaniel," Damian shook his head. "Why don't you see it? You're so beautiful it hurts and the sweet innocence of your soul, despite it all...It's burning...aching! They simply can't leave you alone because they're in love! Can't you see that, Kitten?" His dark voice had become gentler while he spoke. "They all become madly in love with you. That vampire wanted you! All of you! He wanted to be your lover...your man...not just your master!"

Nathaniel finally looked at him, confused.

"It was never about...getting rid of you," Damian's voice sounded bitter again, he was the one who broke off their stare now: "It's about keeping you," he said slowly. Then he added in a sarcastic voice: "Oh yes, they all want pretty Nathaniel to lick the cream from their fingers...How did I ever think I was going to keep you as my own?"

"Damian?" Nathaniel was stunned and disoriented. He didn't understand the sudden turn of the conversation. Did Damian even know what he was saying?

"I am not a master," Damian spoke again, his hands with the white shirt had sunk down in his lap and he stared out in the room with dead eyes. "It was never a problem not to be one... before I met you..."

"What do you mean?" Nathaniel instantly felt guilty although he didn't know exactly why. "I'm sorry!" he added anyway, knew that it was his fault, of course, whatever it was that made Damian so sad.

"Silly cat!" The green eyes hit him full force; sparkling with fury, Nathaniel cringed and tried to make himself look small; like a little fur ball on the satin sheets, faced with the bigger and stronger one. Suddenly he was there hovering above him on his fours, naked and feral with his blood red hair hanging lose around his face, brushing against Nathaniel's body. Nathaniel startled and instinctively turned around under his body, both to meet him and be better able to protect himself.

"I never want to lose you!" Damian said hoarsely. His eyes shone and his face looked pained. "I need you, Nathaniel! That is my biggest mistake..." His eyes wandered over Nathaniel's form. "I'm not a master," he said, " and I never will be! There are so many of them, stronger creatures than me, out there...and one day you'll walk away from me with one of them...Someone beautiful and strong that is able to protect you...like I can't."

"That is not true," Nathaniel's voice trembled with emotion. "I would never do that to you!" he exclaimed and cringed inside the scene in the alley the night before flashed across his memory. "Not on purpose," he added miserably and felt new tears gather in his eyes.

"I know that, sweet Nathaniel," Damian said with unexpected passion. " I know you would never hurt me, but..."

"I love you!" Nathaniel's voice was thin and fragile. " I love you," he repeated and met Damian's gaze with his own.

"...and I can't protect you...from them...or from yourself," Damian concluded in a sad voice.

"Maybe I can change?" Nathaniel said eager. Maybe he could, oh yes...maybe he could if Damian would love him. if he would keep him...oh, he'd learn how to do it then...if just Damian wouldn't send him away...

The vampire chuckled softly. "No you can't," he said. " I don't want you to change, Nathaniel...I love you the way you are...it's all a part of you...your soul."

"You saved me last night," Nathaniel remembered. "I think you can protect me..." he said hopefully and put all his trust in those words. "I don't care if you're not a master," he said. "I don't want a master! I want you!" His voice slid over in despair while he spoke.

"I know that too," Damian smiled now, a sweet smile filled with affection and a little bit of sadness. "But the vampire last night wasn't truly a master, yet...I don't know if I could have protected you from that," he sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "I'm not angry with you Nathaniel, not really...I'm angry with myself, for not being what you need...someone stronger...someone powerful! Someone who's protection you can count on...I somehow feel like I *should* let you go...so you could find that person but...I'm too weak for that as well. Weak and selfish!" he spat. " I want you to be mine! Want to keep you...no, tie you here by my side..." he said passionately. " I can't let you go...and I hate myself for that!" He sighed again and a slight tremble ran along his body. Nathaniel whimpered with compassion, wished that he could erase his pain...do *something* to make it go away.

"You will always have my heart," he said. "No matter what happens you're the one I love," he knew it wasn't much of a comfort but he had to continue: "You have given me so much, Damian. Much more than I deserve or ever dreamt was possible for me to have..." He swallowed hard. "And I can't believe you still want to keep me!" The tears he'd been fighting broke free from his will's fragile hold and he suddenly found himself sobbing and crying and staining Damian's bed with tears of pain, relief and despair. Most of all, love...God, he loved him so!

Mercy from strong arms that held him to a shoulder. Marble skin that smelled like home. Crimson hair a soothing veil that fell around him; comfort in the touch, the body close to his own.

"Hush, Kitten," Damian kissed his temple. "We'll take it one night at the time...There's really not much else we can do," he added, voice trembling with sadness.

"I only want to be with you," Nathaniel sobbed and clung to the other. Pressed his lips to his jaw and neck.

"I know," Damian sighed lightly."And maybe I'll be lucky...maybe I'll get to keep you too..."

"I'll start wearing a gun, I swear!" Nathaniel looked up at him with a serious expression. "I'll protect myself better...I promise you that!"

The vampire looked back at him surprised. "Nathaniel," he said. "You couldn't kill a mouse on your own accord!" he exclaimed. "But I can tell you this, as the master of your heart: You are not allowed to let anyone touch you without my permission! If anyone tries you are to draw that gun and point it at them, use the trigger if you have to...I don't know if it helps or not...but it's my demand. Am I clear?"

"Perfectly," Nathaniel replied softly. It felt good in way, to have that permission. Like a gem in his heart, something to cherish. Maybe it could actually help, he thought. He'd been given an order, he was to obey...

"You are my master, that is your demand," he looked up at the other coyly. Still clung to his shoulder as if unable to let go.

"My cat!" Damian said with passion.

"Yours," Nathaniel confirmed.

"I will make love to you now," Damian told him.

"Thank you..." Nathaniel smiled.

He kissed him then, deeply. Held him there for a long time. Tasted his lips, tasted home and safety. Pleasure and love...as it should be.

The End





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