Disclaimers: I’ve done this before. You know the drill. I don’t own any of the characters. They all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc., UPN, and FOX. Yes, Spike too. ::pouts::
Why’d this have to happen? Why me? What the fuck did I do to end up like this?
Fucking dream was real. Too real. Nearly gave me a bleeding heart attack. Well, it... would if my heart could beat. Still, I was scared out of my wits, and I was waiting, just waiting for fucking Harmony to be right at my side and start jabbering when I woke up. "Who were you dreaming about, Spikey? Was it a good dream? Was I in it? Were you dreaming about me, Blondie Bear?"
Bloody hell.
Why? Why’d this happen to me? Why do I have to suffer like this? I mean... why? Jesus H. Christ, I can’t stop asking why!
How is it fucking possible for me to be in love with the fuckin’ Slayer?
The bitch annoys me to death!... well, a permanent death... Stupid stuck-up cunt, I want her dead! If it wasn’t for the bleeding piece of scrap metal in my head, she would be... uh, might be...
Well, maybe not.
Oh... hell!
Christ, the only things I live for anymore are killing demons, annoying her, and terrorizing that namby-pamby Harris. Since I got "put down" so to speak, I haven’t been able to do much else. Killing demons is the only way I can get my aggression out.
Dammit. I can’t kill humans with the chip in my head, and just when I'm ready to die, I find out I can hurt demons. So then I provide a little extra muscle when Summers and her fucking Scoobies need it. I get to be known as a traitor in the demon world, none of ‘em trust me. I start working full time for the Slayer, but her and her little pals don’t fucking trust me either! A fella just can NOT win!
Y’know, it’s her bloody fault. All of it is, I swear. If her and Army Boy hadn’t of come barging in on me and Harm when I thought I was getting the chip out, I’d of been just fine. Harm coulda turned the good ole doctor, and I coulda gotten the damn chip out properly. Then, maybe, I coulda killed Buffy and Super Dick, and upped my record from two Slayers to three.
Damn, I’m calling her by her first name now. It’s all her, Buffy fucking Summers! She won’t leave me the fuck alone -- all I can think about is her, and I hate it! I want her to die and give me peace, but at the same time... I can’t stand to see her hurting. The thought of anything happening to her kills me.
Like last night. After I went back to the crypt to get my shotgun, I headed over to her house. And I was dead set and ready to blast her head off and dance around in her blood for joy, no matter how much of a headache the chip was giving me. But then... she looked up, tears running down those soft, smooth cheeks... and I couldn’t... I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. I just wanted to see her smile.
What's the jury's verdict, now? Spike’s turning into a bigger poofter than Angelus.
Anyway. Turns out the Slayer’s mum had to spend the night at the hospital. Something's in her head, and Buffy’s scared shitless. Don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone cry so much. Damn. Right heartbroken, she was. I couldn’t help but wonder, though, where the hell White Bread was during all this. I’d of figured she’d of called him within seconds of finding out, but the lamb’s poofter deux was nowhere to be found. I would know; I spent the whole evening with Buffy on her porch, listening to her sob, and that bastard was nowhere in sight.
Stupid sodding wanker.
Back to me. Now, I’m NOT being heartless or nothing, I just wanna get off the topic of last night. Even with the fact that Buffy confided in me -- me! -- and not Captain America, what she said long before it still hurt like a mother. But, how was she to know that what she said was the same thing that cunt Cecily said exactly 121 years ago? If I didn't love the bitch so damn much, I might've ripped her throat out for it. Still, though. I didn’t deserve that. Did I?
It still hurt.
Now, then, where was I? Ah, yes. My dream. Damn, I could still feel those sweet, soft Slayer lips on mine... Well, you can prolly guess the result of that kiss; well, besides scaring me off my duff, I mean. The physical result. I mean, I’ve kissed her before. When Red went all awry 'cos of Wolf Boy leaving. Blimey, it was funny as hell, what with the Watcher blind as a bat, and Harris running all over town trying to get away from demons who somehow kept finding him (insert hysterical malicious laughter here). And I hafta say that being on the ground of a crypt, with Buffy on top of me, making out (until Red zapped us back to normal, that is) was pretty much fantastic. Buffy’s quite the snog. A little vixen, she is... Pouty, sexy, sly little... whoa, getting off track.
Well. That'll teach me not to tell her she's not worth a second go.
Anyway, I had her, and she loved me, and I loved her back. And, yes, it was only ‘cos of the spell, but still. I felt it, and I knew what it was like to be loved by her.
I’ve always thought she was hot. She was definitely more beautiful than the other Slayers I faced. She was smaller than ‘em, but bleeding Christ on a Cross, that chit’s tiny little hands and feet packed a helluva whallop. They’ve knocked me flat on my back more time than I care to admit. She was only 16 when I met her, but she was already well on her way to being a force to be reckoned with; she was that damn good. ‘Course, at the time, her and Peaches were both all googly-eyed over each other, and I loved my Dru, so nothing could come of it all.
That didn’t stop me from wanting to fuck her breathless right on the dance floor that first night at the Bronze.
Shit, she was gorgeous. All sleek, and curvy, and hot... Hmph. Little minx. And she was dancing with that whelp and Red. Don’t mind the witch so much, she’s always been a bit nice to me. Even when I tried to eat her last year. Harris, though... always wondered what that pillock had stuck up his ass. Ah, he’s alright. 'S right good fun beating the blighter at pool, though. Heh.
I’m getting off topic again. Sorry.
The second I saw her, I was hooked. I could barely take my eyes off her. She moved so gracefully, a swan out there in that throng of... oh... My apologies, okay? No more poetry. I promise. Ah, fuck trying to put it in graceful words, the girl just made me hot. I’m surprised I didn’t grab her, shove her down and fuck her into oblivion right there. But, like I said, I was with Drusilla. Well, that, and I was hell-bent on killing Buffy in the first place.
The way we fought with each other... Damn. She remains the only person to ever turn me on so much from a single fight. Well, fighting in general made me horny, but it was an unbelievable, barely containable desire when the fight was with the Slayer. I can’t even tell how many times I’ve had to run back to my crypt lately after getting riled up by a scuffle with her. All just to toss off about three or four times.
Okay, I’ve gotta stop that. I have plenty of time to dream of shagging Buffy.
I’ve always wondered about something. Back when Angelus was all ‘yeah, go hell on earth,’ and was fucking Dru and flaunting it in front of me, I turned to Buffy to stop it all. It was mostly her fault in the first place. As her brat kid sis says, she ‘boinked’ the ponce an’ made him turn into the prick. Still, she was the only one who could stop him and Dru; she was the only one good enough. She couldn’t do much against two Master vampires by herself... But with HER strength and skills... combined with that of another (seriously pissed off) Master vampire... she had every chance of winning.
Okay, so the main reason I turned to her was because I hate the poofter and I wanted Dru back. The second I got Dru to pass out, I took off. I hadn't really felt bad about just leaving Buffy to deal with Angelus just like that -- just a tad disappointed that I wouldn't get to see her send his overlarge ass to hell -- but Dru was never passed out for long, and if I wanted to get out of Sunnydale, I had to move fast. But blimey... Dru was not happy once we got past the North American border. She wouldn’t talk to me for a month because I teamed up with the Slayer and got rid of her 'precious golden Angel.' Pffft.
Later on, when we were living in South America and I found her making out with that... ugh... bloody disgusting Chaos demon... Dru said something to me.
"I still see her, floating all around you... Laughing."
She said that I tasted like ashes. She said that... when she looked at me, all that she could see was... Buffy. Something twisted inside of me when she said that. All I can remember about that conversation was watching and listening to Dru and trying as hard as I could not to cry. Oh, don’t laugh. This was the woman I loved... for over one hundred years... and she was leaving me. I don't think anyone ever realized how much that killed me.
Anyway. As crazy as my princess was, as much as she pissed me off at times with her talk of fairies and stars (I loved Dru, but for God’s sake, crazy people scare me!), she did have a few useful talents. One of ‘em was that neat hypno-eye thingy she’d used to off that other Slayer, uh... Kenya, or Kendra, or something. Another was her ability to see future occurrences and to read people’s auras right off the bat. And from what Dru said to me that day, I’d say it was pretty obvious that she knew. She knew I was in love with Buffy before I even had a clue. ‘Course, that didn’t quite sink into my head at the time. Only reason I came back to SunnyD the first time was because I wanted to kill Buffy. Her and her ponce. Who, by the way, was back to being all soulful and tortured. They’d ruined my life... well, they'd ruined it more than I had, and I was putting the full blame on them.
I guess in a way, I should be thankful to Dru for giving me a hint. I thought Buffy was on my mind because I hated her and wanted her dead. Obviously, Drusilla read underneath our interactions with each other, saw something completely different.
So, yeah. I’m a chipped-up Master vampire who’s in love with the only woman in the world with the power to kill my kind, who just happens to despise my very existence and wouldn’t think twice about staking me if I even mentioned the 'L' word to her. Bah. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bloody well TELL her. She’d stake me on the spot. Or worse, get that big clumsy burlap sack oaf of a boyfriend to do it. And then there’s Harmony. Not that I actually, genuinely care about that infuriating ditz. You’d think becoming a vampire would make her become more cunning or... wily or sly, or something, but she’s just plain stupid. She’s more of a convenience to me than anything.
A coupla things've been nagging me about that dream. First off, why now? Why does my subconscious decide to let me in on the life-altering fact that I’m in love with the woman sworn to kill me, now, of all times?
Second, Buffy apparently ‘wanted’ me in the dream. Was that telling me that she was hiding feelings for me too? Or was that just this fucked-up little noggin of mine trying to make a balance?
Third, were the Powers That Be just using my unlife to have a good laugh at the poor, neutered vampire’s expense? Bah.
Fourth... I was wide open. My shirt was off, and I was right in front of her. She had a clean shot at staking me, she could of done it and gotten it over with in a second. And she lunged for me, too. Her stake was about a centimeter away from hitting home. But she stopped right before she plugged it in. And I’m not the one that stopped her.
So what did?
I wish she didn’t hate me. And I wish things were on our side. I can’t stop thinking about her. And I’m... jealous of Angelus. I really am. I'd never admit it out loud... He has something of the blossom’s that I could never hope to have. Her love.
Not so jealous of the turd though. She doesn’t love him. Might think she does, might care about him and all, but there’s nothing real, nothing solid, or passionate between ‘em. She’s disillusioned. Trying to make herself feel something that isn’t there with Finn. Anything. Just... trying to make herself feel.
I want her. I really do. I want her in every way possible. Her heart, her mind, her soul... I wanna feel every bit of her and know that it’s because she loves me in return... I want her love. I wish that higher deities would listen to vampires, but then I remember that I’m a demon; that's why God doesn’t listen. But I truly wish that for once, he would just grant me this one thing, this one person that I want more than anyone, that I love with more than I ever thought I had in me. That I love more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my life, or death. I want her love. I’d do anything for her love.
Christ, that sounds like a Meatloaf song. I would do anything for love...
Oh, I've finally gone insane. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Bloody buggery son of a bitch Powers.