WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Awakenings
Series: Sal Si Puedes (III 1/?)
Author: Becca
Email: BeccaSnape@aol.com
Rating: R
Category: Drama/Angst
Summary: Snape and Lupin have to come to terms with the consequences of their night together.
Disclaimers: Severus and Remus don't belong to me, they belong to JK Rowling. So does everything else (except for the quotations, they're marked). I do not intend to make money with this.

"What potions have I drunk of Siren tears,
Distill'd from limbecks foul as hell within,
Applying fears to hopes and hopes to fears,
Still losing when I saw myself to win.-"

(from Shakespeare's sonnet CXIX)

I wake because my body is cold. I wake and notice my body shaking. I'm lying on a bed, covers at my side, not covering my body. I'm lying on a bed. How did I get here? A bed. Covers. Covering a body. Another man's body. A sleeping man's body. Whose body?

Oh gods, what have I done? How did I get here?

I start to remember. I remember touching that body. Touching that man. I remember that man wrapped in the bed cover next to me. Severus. I remember touching Severus' body. I remember Severus.

Holy gods, what have I done?

I remember. The only thing I don't remember is how I got onto this bed.

I rise. My feet touch the cold stone floor, my body doesn't stop shaking. I try to steady myself. I feel strange. Slowly I make my way to the bathroom. Cold water. Still shaking. I decide to use hot water instead. I need to make contact with reality. I need to remember what I've done. Maybe the tales aren't true. They just can't be true. Hot water. Reality. Contact. I summon my robes for I don't want to cross the bedroom naked. I get dressed.

Opening the bathroom door I hear Severus stir. He sits up and directs his eyes towards the door I hide behind. Tales. Reality. What have I done?

I take a deep breath and open the door.

*****

Severus had been awake for some time. He had felt the presence of Remus' body next to him, had allowed his gaze to linger on Remus' shoulder line and chest for a couple of seconds and then closed his eyes again. After their lovemaking Remus had fallen asleep almost instantly and he had carried his lover over to his bedroom. The image of a sleeping Remus shoving the covers aside every time he tried to wrap the trembling body flashed through his thoughts. He tried not to move, pretended to be still asleep, even when Remus woke up and left the bed. Carefully he reached out and touched the empty space where Remus had been lying just moments ago. Still warm. He drifted off to sleep again but when he heard the bathroom door slowly open he sat up against the wall and looked over to where Remus Lupin appeared from behind the door.

"Good morning,... Remus." He knew his voice mirrored the timidity and the questions he felt inside but he for once didn't care.

"Severus." A curt nod. Remus didn't look at Severus but continued to fasten his robes. "I'm late already. Dumbledore wants to see me." He stored away his wand and headed for the door.

"Remus? About yesterday..." Severus' voice made him stop and turn around. Severus. His black hair untidy, his face white, lined, asking too many questions.

"Yesterday was... yesterday." He sighed. "You told me you didn't care if I loved you or not. Well, I don't. I got carried away. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"I understand."

The door closed behind him. Severus closed his eyes, touched his lips and pulled the cover tightly around him.

*****

By the time Remus reached Dumbledore's office he had inwardly repeated for perhaps a hundred times that it just couldn't be true. He knocked on the heavy wooden door and the Headmaster's cheerful "The door is open, Remus!" invited him in.

"Remus, what's wrong? You look awful!" What a greeting. "Sit down, my friend! May I offer you some tea?"

Remus shook his head.

"Why don't you sit down and tell me what's wrong..."

He sat down and looked into Dumbledore's eyes. "I can't..." He had to make sure. "Headmaster, I..." Tears started to stream from his eyes without warning.

"Remus, what's *wrong*, for Merlin's sake?"

"I... I made a terrible mistake... I simply had to see him, you know, because Harry's... And then... then... Oh gods, what have I done?" He furiously tried to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Please, tell me it's not true, please... it can't be true, it can't... Good Godric, how could I be so *stupid*? I mean, I've been a werewolf for how long now? Fifty years? Right." He got up and started to pace the office

Dumbledore lent back in his chair and gave him a questioning look.

"Fifty years! I'm supposed to know all about lycanthropy, aren't I? I've always been so damn careful, Headmaster... I never allowed... I never... Oh, *fuck*!" He dropped back into his chair. "Is it true what the tales say, then? Do we really mate for life?" Helpless. Drained. Shaking.

"Remus. Do you mean...? Did you...? And it was...?"

"Yes, Albus. I did. We did." He uttered a desperate laugh and nearly choked on it. "For all my life I... I never... I stayed a virgin until yesterday, Albus. And now... Yes, we did. I slept with him. I slept with Severus. He was my first... Is it true then? Do we? Please, please, please..."

Dumbledore rose and walked over to the window. He kept his silence for a very long time before he finally spoke.

"To my knowledge, Remus, yes. It's true."

"Oh no, oh, please, no, no, *no*..." Heavy sobs interrupted his words. He pulled his knees up and hugged them tightly. "Oh no, please, please, help me, please..." He buried his head in his arms.

//What have I done?//

*****

Down in his private quarters Severus had got dressed and sat at his desk in order to prepare classes, to work out some tricky potion for the Ministry or to grade papers. He didn't know. What he had experienced with Remus yesterday kept his mind occupied. There was no room for anything else at the moment. He relived it, relived it, relived it. He relished the tingling the touches had left upon his skin, the taste the kisses had left upon his lips and tongue. And then again, the reminiscence of Remus' harsh voice and his abrupt departure hit him like a blow in the guts. It felt like Cruciatus, even worse.

"Why?" His hollow voice echoed from the dungeons' walls asking the same question over and over again.

He couldn't bring himself to count the times a knock on his door had invaded his shelter. It was just one more time, one more knock to him now.

"Yes?" Dumbledore once again.

"Severus, you have to go and see Remus. Now." No choices left by the Headmaster's words. And order. "He has left Hogwarts. He wouldn't tell me were he was going. But you have to see him. You have to talk to him."

"Headmaster, I take it he does not want to see me."

"You have to go, Severus. You need to talk to him. He needs you to talk to him. After what happened yesterday he..."

"So he told you. I see. And you think you have the right to interfere with my life again?"

"I... I need you to listen to me, Severus. I know you certainly don't appreciate me telling you what I think you should do. You have all the right in the world not to listen to a word I say, but for Remus' sake-"

"*Remus'* sake? Why, I should have known you don't give a damn about me. Oh, you're right, of course, you are. It was *I* who told him he could do as he pleased. And so I did. And so *he* did. He left the wreck of me behind, Headmaster, and he doesn't care. So why should I-"

"Severus, he fled. He is terrified by what he has done. Considering his... situation you should be well aware of how this affected him, you-"

"Enough! Don't you dare tell me what I should know! Don't you dare use my feelings for him once! He is *terrified*?! I swear he's not. He took what I... what I offered him. He had his nice little distraction and left me with not so much as a shrug of his shoulder! That's how it affected him!"

"So you don't know?" Dumbledore seemed to collapse inwardly.

"Know what?" Severus snapped back, catching his breath. "Know what?"

"I really shouldn't be the one to tell you, Severus. He should have been."

"Tell me *what*, in Merlin's name, *what*!"

"Will you sit down again, Severus, please. I ask you to listen to me now. And, please, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this..." He brought his fingertips together and looked at Severus over the brim of his glasses. "You were his first, Severus."

"I... *what*?!"

"His first. His first... mate." He sighed heavily. "He never... He knew that if he... They mate for life, you know."

"Oh, my gods..." What ever colour was left vanished from Severus' face. "Are you sure?"

"He asked me the same thing. Yes. I am sure. And so is he."

*****

"Avada Kedavra!"

Everything seemed to happen at once. A green ray of death shot from Severus' wand and hit Sirius square on the chest. The tall man seemed to fall for eternity, Severus watching him sinking to his knees and finally hitting the ground from the corner of his eyes...

the falling face twitching in surprise and pain

the falling face twitching and dissolving

the falling face assuming shape again, the shape of another face

the falling face assuming the features of...

Remus!

Severus sat up in his bed, choking and drenched in sweat. His ice cold hand wiped over his eyes and he tried to adjust to the darkness surrounding him. Adrenaline still rushed through his veins but its impact slowly ceased, leaving him in exhausted shivers.

"Enough!" He listened to the ebbing echoes until his bedroom was filled with nothing but silence and then said it again, as if to confirm a decision. "Enough!" He got up, threw his robe over his shoulders and left his quarters. It took him some minutes to make his way through the castle and reach the door to Dumbledore's chambers, but he was determined to put an end to this.

A sleepy and confused Dumbledore let him in, fumbling with the fastenings of his dressing gown as he walked over to the armchairs in front of the fireplace. Closing the door behind himself, Severus hissed: "What have you been doing to my dreams?"

"Your dreams, Severus?"

"Don't play the innocent man, Headmaster. You know what I'm talking about! You've been messing with my dreams! The last three nights they somehow *changed*. I told you I wouldn't go and see Lupin and you're obviously not able to accept it. You wouldn't risk using the Imperius Curse on me again so you found another way to achieve your goal, didn't you?!"

"I'm sorry, Severus, but I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about." He lit a fire and sat down in one of the chairs. "I promised not to interfere with your decisions years ago and I've kept that promise. I swear, I've done nothing to your dreams." He gestured for Severus to sit down in the other chair. "Why don't you sit down and tell me what's the matter?"

"You didn't? I have your word on it?"

"Of course. You might not believe it but I *do* respect you, Severus."

Severus froze. "But then... good gods... then..."

All Dumbledore saw and heard was quick movement and a door slamming shut.

*****

Contrary to what he had made Dumbledore believe, Severus had quite a good notion of where Remus might have retreated to. The next morning, after having spent the rest of the night sleepless, he opened a creaking garden porch.

Harry had moved into his parents' house after he graduated from Hogwarts. It had been an item of discussion among the members of the faculty, a discussion in which Severus had never taken part but one he had been well aware of. Hesitating slightly he knocked on the front door. Nothing happened. He knocked again. The door opened the moment he began to turn around in order to leave again.

A young woman with long brown hair appeared in front of him. He had never seen her before but he instantly sensed that she was a Muggle. Her dark eyes examined him thoroughly.

"Harry? He's here."

She opened the door and led him into the living room where Harry stood next to a little girl. Severus estimated her to be four or five years old. The woman walked over to the little girl, picked her up and disappeared through a door on the other side of the room.

"That was Ellen, my wife, and our daughter Emily. She'll be five next month." Harry lifted his head and his green eyes fixed on Severus'. "He doesn't want to see you."

"I know. But I *have* to see him." Severus' jaws clenched.

"He doesn't want to, Professor. He made me promise I won't tell you where he is."

"My name is Severus." Severus muttered. Harry looked baffled. "Harry, please... I have to see him."

"What happened between him and you, Pro... Severus? He wouldn't tell me a word, just made me promise to keep you away from him. You can't see him. I'm sorry. But he made that very clear." Harry shot a brief glance at the window. "Especially not today. It's going to be full moon tonight and-"

"Harry, please! In your father's name, in Sirius' name, let me see him..." Severus felt utterly exhausted.

"He's upstairs. Second door on the left."

"Severus, be careful, please, don't hurt him." Harry called after him as he ascended the stairs.

*****

"Get out!"

"Not before you've listened to me, Lupin."

"I said, get out! Now!"

Remus stood by the window, his back turned to Severus. He had lost a visible amount of weight in only three days. When he turned round, Severus could see deep shadows under his eyes, sunken, unshaven cheeks and dry lips. Remus looked awful.

"I won't." Severus had made up his speech during the sleepless hours of the past night. "Why didn't you tell me, Lupin? If I had known... Well, I didn't know. But there is a way out for you. I've been doing research in that matter and I've found a solution." He paused. Remus didn't move and continued to stare at him. "Your kind mates for life, I understand. So what has been established between us can come to an end. Through death. It works. It's in the books. Your death." Severus pulled his wand from his robe and let his fingers run along the yew wood. Then he closed his hand around it in a tight grip. "Or mine." And he tossed his wand at Remus who caught it automatically.

"Use my wand." His arms hung from his shoulders and he bowed his head. "Kill me."

*****

Remus walked over to the table in slow motion and lowered his body onto a chair. His hands played with Severus' wand. He closed his eyes, opened them again and sighed.

"I don't want to kill you, Severus." Severus raised his head. "I've done nothing but thinking during the last three days. Do you know how it feels to be mated to you?" He swallowed, then laughed defeatedly. "It hurts. My body hurts. All my body wants is... your body. My skin burns, my muscles ache. My arms here want to close around your body, my palms feel raw, they scream for your skin. Your taste is on my lips and on my tongue. My mouth starves and thirsts for your kiss. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My thoughts return to your body every second of my days and nights. Alcohol doesn't work. Pain doesn't work. My body just won't stop hurting... And with the full moon approaching... Do your books say anything about that? The craving deepens every moment, every breath I take hurts because the air streaming in through my nose isn't filled with your scent." Remus got up and closed the distance between them step by step. "That at least is better now with you in the same room. There's nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing. This is what it feels like, Severus." They were face to face. "How could I possibly kill you? How can I kill you when I can touch you as well?" He raised his right hand and touched Severus' cheek. "I don't want to touch you, my brain doesn't want my hand to make contact with your skin, but I can't help it." His other hand touched Severus' other cheek, his two hands gently cupping Severus' face. Remus moaned. "You have no idea how this feels." His body nearly touched Severus'. Severus could feel how Remus trembled under his garments. "I can't stop this, Severus. Help me, please..."

Severus felt Remus' lips on his, Remus' hands caressing his face. He felt his own arms wrapping around Remus' shaking body. "Don't...", he whispered. "Remus, please, don't..." His hands started to move up and down Remus' back. His lips parted and their tongues met. Remus moans filled the air. "Remus, stop it, please!" Hot kisses on his cheeks and eyelids, hands stroking his neck, his chest, his arms. Remus' fingers impatiently started to unfasten his robes. The second they touched his bare skin, Severus knew it was too late. He had lost that fight.

In a fit of frenzy he tore at Remus' robes, tore them apart and pressed his chest against Remus'. "We have to stop... we have to...", he muttered under his breath, though he knew he couldn't stop anymore. Remus broke the kiss, obviously gathering all his strength to do so, and reached for his wand. He cast a Silencing Spell at the door. "I don't want Harry to hear this." His voice exposed all the embarrassment and humiliation inside of him.

*****

They lay on the bed, drained and exhausted. Their encounter had been short, rough and greedy, Remus claiming Severus' body with every fibre of his own. Their climax had been a shock wave of release to both of them. As soon as he had caught his breath, Remus got up and dressed. He never looked into Severus' eyes as he did so.

"Severus, leave." He turned to look out of the window again. "I'm going downstairs to talk to Harry and I want you to be gone when I return to my room." Severus rose from the bed and started to collect his clothes. "I don't want to see you again, Severus. Never. I'll learn to live with it. I don't want to see you again." He walked out of the room without looking at Severus another time.

*****

The basin was heavy in his hands. He moved carefully, for the viscous silver liquid swashed against the basin's sides and threatened to well over the edges. A gauzy shroud of dust lay on the gleaming surface. Severus cautiously placed the basin on the desk top and gently wiped the dust away with a stroke of his breath. Whispers filled his ears. He bent his head and stared at the reflection of his face. The intensity of the whispers increased. At first only his fingertips touched the image, his fingers steadily dipping into it, index fingers piercing black eyes, thumbs crushing the nose. The rings of liquid rose around his fingers and he felt how the leftover warmth in his hands was transmitted by the fused plate glass.

Severus let his hands sink completely into the remains of his mirror. When he pulled them out again they were coated in silver and he thought of unicorn blood. He raised his hands and brought them together, forming a slightly convex plate. The shape of his face was devided and distorted by the spaces between his fingers and the small rises on his palms.

"Now look at you, Severus Snape! Haven't I seen you in a long time?!" The voice of his mirror still existed within the melted glass, yet it sounded distorted and shattered as well. However, it hadn't lost any of its intensity. "My, my, what has become of you?" Nor its scorn. "You look direful! I wouldn't look at myself if I were you. You're disgusting. Veil me again."

"Silence!" he burst out. His hands clashed with his cheeks and he smeared the silver substance all over his face. "I will not be spoken to like this!" It stung in his eyes and burnt on his skin. "Shut up, you bastard! Shut up!" He brought another handful up to his hair and imbued it absent-mindedly. "Silence, silence, silence..." The force in his voice waned and his words seeped through the mask of silver as a mere whisper.

*****

Returning to his private quarters after a day of teaching - term had started the day before - he went through his ritual of walking and counting his steps. As he turned around the corner leading to the hallway in which his chambers were located he noticed something lying next to his door, a huge bundle, and lost track of his steps. The closer he got the clearer the outlining of that bundle became. It was a man, a man in ragged robes. He lost track of his heartbeat.

Remus Lupin.

Severus hesitantly walked up to him. "Lupin?!" The bundle wouldn't move. "Lupin! What are you doing here?" Nothing. He crouched next to him and shook his shoulder. "Lupin! *Lupin*!"

Remus raised his head. One second later he was on his feet and pressed against the dungeon's wall. "Don't touch me!"

Severus took a step backwards. "What do you want?"

"Potion. I came for a potion." He shifted slightly. "I need a potion from you."

Muttering his password Severus opened the door and walked into his office. Remus lingered in front of the door for another moment and then followed him in. After the door had closed behind him he leant against it and insecurely glanced at the Potions Cabinet, his hands behind his back.

"If you need a potion, it would be useful if you told me what for." Severus stood beside his desk and shot a piercing look at Remus. "I'm not Sibyll Trewlaney, Lupin. You have to tell me."

"I-I need a healing potion."

"A healing potion. And precisely what do you want to heal?"

"I got injured."

Severus sighed. "Could you *please* elaborate on that?"

"I... my hands got injured."

"For Merlin's sake, Lupin. I need a little more detailed information if I'm supposed to... to help you!"

Remus stood still and looked down. "They won't stop bleeding."

"Show me."

"It's just... well, there's a cut, and it won't stop bleeding."

"Show me your hands."

"I'd rather not-"

"Show me your hands!"

Remus reluctantly shoved up his sleeves and stretched out his arms. Severus went pale. Remus' hands were covered with spider webs of thin, bleeding incisions. The blood had drenched the cuffs of his robes and still dripped from the wounds.

"How did that happen?"

"I'd rather not tell you that, Se-Severus."

"Remus, this looks really dangerous. It's vital that you tell me how this happened."

"Mussavcutmeselsomw..."

"I beg your pardon?!"

"I must have cut myself somehow..."

"I need to take a closer look at that. Come over here."

"Don't touch me!"

"Come over here *now*!"

Remus' way through the room seemed to take ages. He turned his palms up and held them in front of Severus' eyes. The cuts were deep, across the palms, on the inner sides of the fingers and they culminated on the fingertips. Severus let out a sharp breath. When he touched the hands' backs to get them a little closer, Remus withdrew them instantly. Blood covered Severus' own hands. "What happened?"

"I..."

"Remus, I think you realise how serious this situation is. You *have* to tell me exactly how you received these cuts!"

"I cut myself." Remus hid his hands in his sleeves. "I tried to stop them from hurting... I couldn't stand it anymore and I wanted it to stop. So I cut my hands."

Severus felt light-headed. He had to place one hand on his desk to keep himself from staggering. "Why..."

"I told you how it feels to... not to touch you."

"How did you inflict these cuts upon your hands?" Severus tried to sound as matter-of-factly as possible.

"With a knife."

"Did you bring it?"

"Yes." Remus produced a small, thin blade from inside his robe and held it out to Severus.

Severus took the knife and examined it closely. It was smeared with blood and obviously very sharp. "Remus. Is it silver?" Remus nodded. Severus walked behind his desk and sat down. He turned the knife around again and again.

"Severus, I think I'd better leave. I don't think you-"

"Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate." He put the knife down and closed his eyes.

"Silver. Why did you have to use a silver knife? You know how your... how werewolves react to silver!"

"That's why I used it in the first place, Severus. It wouldn't have worked otherwise. But I didn't expect it would work *that* well..." He coughed. "There is no way of stopping it, is there?"

"Yes, there is a way. But I wish you wouldn't make me have to use it." He got up and drew the chair in front of the desk. "Sit down." Remus sat down. Severus could see that his legs were shaking. He must have lost a lot of blood already; it had weakened him terribly. "I know a way of stopping it. But I'll have to touch you." He knelt down in front of Remus. "Give me your hands." Remus hesitated. "I said, give me your hands. It has to be me doing it. Your mate." He lowered his gaze. "Now give me your hands, *please*." Remus finally stretched out his hands.

Severus took a deep breath and reached out to seize them. He could feel how Remus trembled and withdrew inwardly. He forced his eyes to open and looked at Remus' palms. Slowly he opened his mouth and let his tongue touch the first cut. He carefully licked along the red line and the blood immediately stopped to flow. The second cut, the third, the next and the next. When he had finished after almost half an hour, the incisions on Remus' hands were completely healed and Severus for the first time tasted the blood. He looked up at Remus' face the same moment Remus opened his eyes.

"Your lips..." Severus jumped up though his legs felt numb. He rushed for the bathroom. The mirror reflected an image of his face more horrible than he had imagined: His lips were bright red with Remus' blood. It also trickled from the corner of his mouth. He wiped it away and cleaned his face with cold water. He used a fresh towel to dry it and went back to his office were Remus was still sitting in the chair.

"Are you all right?" Remus nodded, then shook his head.

"No. I'm far from being all right, Severus. I'm drained. I'm here. I haven't been strong enough to keep away from you. Again." He shifted in the chair. "I have to thank you for what you've done. I have no right to be here. No right to be still here. But I cannot... I have to at least get a nosefull of your scent or I'll go insane..." He got up. "I wish I had the strength to keep away from you. But I don't have it. Not anymore." He took a step towards Severus, who was still standing in the bathroom door. "I don't have the right to even think about it, especially not after what you've done for me, but... I so want to touch you."

He walked up to Severus and rested one hand on his chest. "It's my body, you know. It's not me... I starve for your touch. I need to touch you, even if it is for just a second... And I... I ache for you to touch me, too."

Severus flinched. "Remus, please, don't... Don't make me... I don't want to do it again." Remus finger traced his lips. "I don't want to hurt you again." It made its' way across his cheeks, then back to his lips. Severus felt how his arms moved around Remus' back. "... not again..."

Their first kiss felt like an explosion inside Severus' head. "I know you want to touch me, Severus. It's not hurting me, I swear. You're not hurting me." He kissed Severus again, his tongue stroking Severus' lips, breaking its' way inside Severus' mouth. When their tongues met Severus knew he had no chance. He pulled Remus' body against his own and moaned. His hand stroked Remus' back and his tongue invaded Remus' mouth, more roughly than he intended. He felt how his hands closed around Remus' head and brushed through his hair. That sensation sent waves of arousal through his fingers, hands, arms, upper and lower body. His cock hardened instantly. Remus' too, he could feel that even through both their robes.

"I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt you..." he heard his voice murmuring. He began to undo the fastenings of his robes. "I don't want to..." His robes fell to the floor, puddling at his feet. He opened his trousers and let them glide down, stepping out of the legs never stopping to kiss and stroke Remus. Remus unfastened his robes with trembling fingers while Severus ground his hips against Remus', the friction of their erections against each other smoothed but yet intensified by the barrier of Remus' clothes. "I don't want to hurt you, I..."

"You won't hurt me, Severus." Remus whispered, out of breath. He took of the rest of his clothes and their naked skin finally touched. Remus hissed. "You're not hurting me... Aaaaaahhh, that feels so good, just so good..."

"Bed." Severus gasped. "The bed, please... I want... you... I want you... this time... in the bed..." Moments later they were lying on Severus' bed. Remus loosened their embrace and buried his face in the pillows. "They smell of you... I want to drink your scent... gods, it's so *intense*..." Severus turned him over again and kissed his face, flyaway kisses along the cheekbones and on the eyelids. "You can taste it... taste it..." and he caught Remus' ragged breath in a passionate kiss. "And I can taste you..." he muttered under his breath.

"Kiss my hands..." Severus covered Remus' palms with tender kisses and let his tongue trace the thin lines. "Oh, Remus, thank the gods, they are... are like they are meant to be again..." Remus pulled his head up for another hungry kiss. "Yes... they are... now I can touch your skin and they feel it..." He stoked along Severus spine and rested one hand on the small of his back. The other hand caressed Severus' upper leg, then sneaked between his legs. He pressed his whole body tightly against Severus, his hard cock caught between them. Severus felt how drops of pre-come turned the friction into a kind of gliding. He pushed Remus away, but only far enough to wrap his hand around Remus' shaft. Remus rolled on his back, panting. "Please, Severus, please..." He moaned hoarsely as soon as the tip of Severus' tongue began to collect the drops of salty liquid from the top of his cock. When Severus took the whole of him into his mouth, his body arched and his hips thrust upwards. His hands shot from Severus' head to the head board of the bed and desperately grabbed hold of it.

"Severus... oh gods, oh, please..." Severus stopped sucking and looked up at Remus' face. It was flushed with lust. "Did I..." "No. No, you didn't, but... but I want to feel you inside me... please..." Severus turned Remus' body around and parted his legs. He knelt between them and started to massage Remus' back and buttocks. He summoned a small porcelain jar and covered his fingers with a creamy substance. Carefully he began to prepare Remus' anus, he inserted one finger and closed his eyes. He had to force himself to go slowly on Remus. A second finger joined the first. They brushed over the sensitive gland and Remus cried out. "You won't hurt me, Severus, please..." Severus slowly stretched the tight opening. Then he inserted a third finger. "Oh. Severus. Please." His fingers dug into the white jar again and closed around his own throbbing and dripping shaft. With a couple of strokes lubricated it and guided it against Remus' opening. "I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to hurt you..." he muttered again and thrust forward just a little. Then he shoved his cock inside Remus with one languid movement. Remus hips jerked upwards to deepen the contact. Severus tossed back his head and moaned. His hands took hold of Remus hips and he began to thrust into him. Slowly and carefully at first but then he intensified the pace. Remus bit his fist to stifle his cries.

When he felt his climax approaching, Severus lowered his body until he rested on Remus' back. His hips were forced to a slower rhythm and he stroked Remus' hair.

"Severus, please, I can't... I'm... oh, please... I'm so... aaaahh, yes... please..." Severus felt how close Remus was to coming: His whole body tensed, he clenched his fists and tried to force Severus deeper into him by thrusting his hips against the weight of Severus' body. His hand went under Remus' belly and closed around his shaft.

With the next thrust both of them came, Remus screaming and Severus muttering indiscernible words into Remus' hair.

They fell asleep almost seconds after the last waves of orgasm had left them.

*****

Severus was dreaming.

//He had been to see Dumbledore because of something. Something to do with Voldemort. He had been to see Dumbledore because the Dark Lord had called his Death Eaters again. Dumbledore had asked Severus to contact him immediately whenever that happened.

He dreamt of walking endless corridors after their conference until he finally reached his quarters. There he collapsed on the bed, still fully dressed, and felt exhaustion taking over his body. He didn't know then how he would explain his delay to Voldemort but he knew he'd have to leave soon. The Dark Mark reminded him of that with every single beat of his heart. Laying on his back he spread his arms and turned his palms upwards. He concentrated on his blood cursing through his veins and on the sensation of pain being transported along with it.//

Severus shifted, opened his eyes and sat up. The presence of another body startled him. Remus seemed to have sensed Severus' movements in his sleep, for a small smile crept onto his lips and he stretched out his hand. "Severus." When he got no reaction, he opened his eyes as well, turned around to look at Severus and rested his head on his hand. His mate looked pale and distracted. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It... I had... nothing. Just a dream."

"A bad dream?"

Severus nodded. His fingers brushed over his left inner arm. "Voldemort had called us and Dumbledore and I had decided for me to go." He closed his eyes again. "I can still feel it." He continued to lightly rub his arm and frowned. "I just don't know why-" A sharp hiss, coming from his own lips, interrupted his words. "What the hell...?" He was out of the bed the next moment and slipped into his dressing gown. "Why is it so dark in here? Where's my wand? I need my wand. And why the fuck is it so dark in here?!" Remus watched alarmed how Severus tore the door open and hurried into his office. A dim light flickered and seconds passed in total silence. He dared not to move. Suddenly a low thudding noise followed by a hoarse cry reached Remus' ears. He jumped out of the bed and ran into the office where he found Severus kneeling opposite the fireplace, staring into the flames. The fire made his face appear white against his black hair and robe, as if it were cut from a block of marble. Muttered words seeped through the room. Severus barely moved his lips.

"It's impossible. No. No, no, no, please no. I'm still dreaming... It's not true. It can't be..."

"Severus, what's the matter?" Remus insecurely stepped closer but Severus raised his hand. The gesture made Remus freeze on the spot. Severus lowered his hand, pulled up his sleeve and held his arm out to Remus. "He's back." His hands sunk into his lap. "The Dark Mark. It's back. He's calling." Severus suddenly grabbed his left arm and bent over. A low moan came from his lips. "No. No. No!" He shook his head violently.

"Severus, you've got to see Albus!" Severus shook his head. "You've got to tell him!" Severus raised his head and continued to stare into the fire. He breathed heavily, obviously trying to regain control over his body. He gritted his teeth, his jaws clenched, sweat started to pour from his face. Remus could see how the veins in his throat and temples swelled. He could hear how Severus' breath went faster. When the pressure became too strong, Severus bent over again and screamed. He shoved parts of his robe into his mouth and dug his teeth into the cloth. In the blink of a knock Remus was beside him and tried to gather him in his arms, but Severus hissed: "Keep away from me!" Remus hesitated. Then he wrapped his arms around Severus' convulsing body. "You're strong, Severus. You can fight it." Severus writhed in pain. His fingers clung to Remus' arms, nails pierced the soft skin, scratching it, lacerating the tissue, leaving red, bleeding marks. "Keep... away... from me", he laboriously pressed the words through his gritted teeth. "I don't... want... to hurt you..." Forcefully he broke the embrace, struggled to his feet and straightened his back. He was panting heavily. "I'll go. I can't fight it. It's too strong." He swayed and steadied himself with a hand against the wall. "Where's my wand?" Remus' eyes darted around the room until he saw it lying on the desk. He walked over, picked it up and handed it to Severus.

Severus tried to disarm the Anti-Apparition-Charms that protected Hogwarts Castle as he had done so many times before, but he didn't succeed. He concentrated and tried again. Nothing happened. He shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Remus, I... I forgot the words..." He choked. "Help me..."

"But I don't know the words, Severus. I can't-"

"Remus..."

"But how-"

"Help. Me."

Remus raised his arm and hit Severus' face with a hard blow. "Concentrate, you bloody bastard!"

Severus opened his eyes and stared at Remus' hand. Then he raised his wand and broke through the Charm. "Thank you." And he was gone.

*****

Voldemort made him wait. He hadn't known where he would Apparate when he left his office. It slightly surprised him to find himself in a dungeon-like cave. All the other meetings had taken place outside, in a wood, on a clearing, in a castle's courtyard. He paced the small cell for hours. Through the slit-like window high above his head he saw the sun rising and dawn falling again. Finally the door creaked open and two hooded Death Eaters entered the cave. They grabbed him by his arms and led him out wordlessly. After a long walk through dungeons, hallways, hollow staircases they stopped in front of a huge wooden door.

"Severus Snape", one of the Death Eaters announced. Severus didn't recognise the voice. The door swung open and presented the sight of the Dark Lord sitting in a velvet-covered armchair on the other side of the room, a half-circle of Death Eaters behind his back. //The King on his throne//, Severus thought. //A judge. And I'm the prosecute.//

"Right you are, Severus." Voldemort's voice hadn't changed. "This is your trial." He gestured for the two Death Eaters who had led Severus to join the others. "You're accused of treason." He pointed a bony finger at Severus. "Yes, yes, you didn't expect me to return. Did you really think a little boy could defeat me?" High-pitched laughter filled the air. "Well, you were mistaken, as you might have already become aware of." He clicked his fingers and a roll of parchment appeared in his hands. "Back to the accusation, then." Thin fingers unrolled the parchment. "Severus Snape, Hogwarts Potions Master and Death Eater by choice, is accused of having betrayed his loyalties. He is further accused of espionage activities against Our Cause. And he is accused of associating with dangerous creatures, or, to be more precise, with a known werewolf and traitor answering to the name of Remus Lupin." He clicked his fingers again and Remus Lupin appeared next to Severus, gagged and bound.

Severus forced himself to show now reaction. He didn't even turn his head to look at Remus. //Forgive me.// "I didn't *associate* with him. I made him dependent on me and used his body to-"

"You did. Nothing. Of that sort." Voldemort's harsh words interrupted him. "But we'll get to that point, Severus, I promise you that. You're not supposed to speak in front of this court, the jury of my Death Eaters, unless you're asked to. I'm the one who will do the talking. And here's what I've decided to say: You're also accused of weakness. I made you Apparate at my side against your precious will, Severus. I made *you* dependent on *me*. And see how it works. You're here. You're here because you are bound to me. I used the simple means of pain to break your will, and you're here." He got up from his throne and descended the three steps on which it stood.

"I have to admit that there are certain parallels in the association you established with *this*." He had reached Remus, walked behind him and kicked him in the legs. Remus fell to the ground but kept silent. "Don't you think it's rather funny how similar its' poetic description of the mating-bounds sound to what you've experienced last night?" Another click of his fingers and Remus' voice echoed from all corners of the room.

~ Do you know how it feels to be mated to you? It hurts. My body hurts. All my body wants is... your body. My skin burns, my muscles ache. ~

Voldemort stood opposite Severus and stared into his eyes. Remus' voice continued.

~My arms here want to close around your body, my palms feel raw, they scream for your skin. Your taste is on my lips and on my tongue. My mouth starves and thirsts for your kiss. I can't eat. I can't sleep. My thoughts return to your body every second of my days and nights. Alcohol doesn't work. Pain doesn't work. My body just won't stop hurting ~

"Doesn't that sound familiar, Severus?" Severus kept his eyes open and fixed on Voldemort despite his urge to avoid the sight. Rushing blood roared in his ears and covered the echoing voice for a moment.

~ The craving deepens every moment, every breath I take hurts because the air streaming in through my nose isn't filled with your scent. That at least is better now with you in the same room. ~

"Do you feel it, too, Severus? Hasn't the pain stopped?"

~ There's nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing. This is what it feels like, Severus. How could I possibly kill you? How can I kill you when I can touch you as well? ~

"Now, isn't that *touching*?!" Voldmort's thin lips curled into a snide grin.

~ I don't want to touch you, my brain doesn't want my hand to make contact with your skin, but I can't help it. You have no idea how this feels. I can't stop this, Severus. Help me, please... ~

"Well, *I* think you've quite a good idea of how it feels, haven't you, Severus?! You weren't able to resist me, either. That is part of the weakness you're accused of, my disloyal friend. The other part consists of the weakness you displayed when you proved unable to resist *it*!" He gestured at Remus, who was still lying on the ground. "And said *it* isn't even worth being accused, for it's weakness is beyond words. Let me illustrate what I'm referring to. Unbind it!" Severus kept staring into Voldemort's eyes. His voice sounded surprisingly firm when he answered: "No. I won't." Voldemort pulled his wand from his robes. "But of course you will, Severus. I said: Unbind it!" He pointed his wand at Remus and hissed: "Crucio!"

Remus' body seemed to burst inwardly. He twitched, curled up, bit his gag, tried to scream, but only stifled chokes escaped his throat. Severus narrowed his eyes and then bent down to undo Remus' binds. Remus braced his knees and tried to keep himself from twitching. "The gag, too", Voldemort ordered. Severus reached behind Remus' head, trying to hold it still, and undid the knot. Voldemort finally lowered his wand. Ragged yelps were all Remus seemed to be capable of. "Help it to it's feet." Severus reached for Remus' arms and pulled him up. He supported him by not letting go of his arms. "Turn it around and look at its' face." Severus did as he was told. Remus' face was swollen and sweaty, tears streamed from his eyes and his lips bled, he had bitten them against the gag during the Cruciatus Curse. They trembled, too. He locked his eyes with Severus'. //Deep golden lakes.//

"Oh, Severus, how very sweet! Yes, look at it. Look how weak it is. It still *wants* you, even now. It's enjoying your *scent*, it's savouring your *touch*, even now. It hardens as I speak. Can you feel it?" He gave Remus' back a push and so made their bodies meet. Severus could feel it. "Now use it. Use its' body as you told me you did."

"No. I won't."

Voldemort snorted impatiently. "I think we've been through that already, Severus. You disobey, it gets a good dose of Cruciatus. Kiss it."

Severus looked into Remus' eyes. He mouthed: "I'm sorry." And: "Help me." And he lowered his head to place his lips on Remus'. Remus arched into the kiss. His arms wound around Severus' body and his tongue roughly invaded Severus' mouth.

"See? It's greedy even now, that beast." Severus flinched, but Remus' hands stroked his back and Remus' mouth entwined low shushing noises with their kiss. "Touch its' cock!" Severus hesitated and made an attempt to shake his head. But Remus took his hand and guided it between his legs. "He's right, Severus. I want you. Even now." Remus moaned, closed his hand around Severus and started to move it up and down on his swollen shaft. "Now undress it." Severus started to unfasten Remus' robes. //How old and faded they are.//

"Severus?" Whispers inside of a kiss.

"Shush, Remus. I'll find a way out of this, I promise... I don't... I'm not going to-"

"Severus, no. Listen to me. The full moon... It's going to rise any minute now. Keep away from me, please..."

Severus closed his eyes. Then he pushed Remus away fiercely. The surprised Remus fell to the ground, but he realised what Severus was up to instantly. He crept a little further away.

"I'm not going to do this, my Lord. This piece of filth disgusts me!" Severus stepped towards Voldemort. The Death Eaters watched them breathlessly. From the corner of his eyes he could see that Remus' transformation had already begun. The werewolf's teeth clung to his wrist to silence his cries of pain. Severus took another step towards Voldemort. "You were right. I know how it feels. It's you I'm bound to, I'd rather touch you..." His hand went around Voldemort's head and pulled him into a kiss.

For a second Voldemort was truly surprised. That was exactly the time Remus chose to attack. A huge brown and grey coloured wolf threw its body against Voldemort. His jaws locked around the Dark Lord's throat and he forced him to the ground. Severus reached for his wand and cast a spell at the whole group behind the throne. The Death Eaters stood petrified. Remus and Voldemort still struggled, Voldemort managed to draw his wand and hissed "Argentum Perfunde!" at the growling werewolf. Remus howled and let his jaws snap close one more time. Voldemort stopped moving. The same moment the resistance came to a standstill, Remus collapsed next to Voldemort's body.

Severus rushed up to him and felt for his pulse. //Weak. Too weak.// He gathered the unconscious body //Oh, gods, don't let him die, please// in his arms and Disapparated.

*****

They Apparated directly to the Hospital Wing. Strangely enough, Severus' concentration was crystal-clear this time, and he broke through the Anti-Apparition-Charms easily.

"Poppy! Quick!" He still chrouched on the floor, holding Remus' inanimate body in his arms. The nurse turned from a cupboard where she had been taking stock of her potions and medicine. The sight made her freeze in mid-movement; she dropped the quill and the piece of parchment she was holding and covered her mouth with her hands.

"Severus?! What happened?"

"Quick, Poppy! Please..."

"What happened, Severus? Was it... did... was it..."

"Voldemort's back", he whispered.

"Oh my God!" She sat down on one of the beds. "But how... how... why..."

"I don't know, Poppy, please, help him..."

"What... what did he use?"

"Ar..." Severus cleared his throat. "Argentum Perfunde." He kept slowly stroking Remus' fur.

Poppy knelt next to them and felt for Remus' pulse. "He's still alive. Severus. You have to let go of him now, so I can examine him properly." Severus didn't move. "Severus? Severus, do you hear me? You'll let go of him now, understand? I need to get him on the bed and you'll have to help me." Severus still didn't move. "Severus! We need to help him!" Finally Severus let go of Remus and helped Poppy carry him over to one of the beds. They lowered his body onto the covers as carefully as possible. Then Poppy grabbed Severus by the shoulder and turned him to face her. "Severus, I'll need your help with this. Will you be able to concentrate?" Severus nodded. "Yes", he added with a breaking voice. "Yes." His second attempt at an answer came more forceful. "Yes!" His whole body straightened and his eyes became clear again. "Okay, then", Poppy went on. "Argentum Perfunde is a very dangerous curse. It's not as fatal as a silver bullet but it turns out lethal in the majority of cases. We could..." She paused and tipped her index finger to her lips a couple of times. "Severus, is there any possibility he... I mean, do you by any chance know if he is... mated to someone?"

"Yes."

"You know?"

"Yes."

"And is he...?"

"Yes."

"Oh, thank God! Then let's hope we can find out who his mate is and get-"

"Me. It's me."

"What?!"

"It's me." Severus looked down at Remus' body and ever so slightly let one hand run over the soft fur covering his side. For the first time he noticed that it was much paler and less wiry than the hair on Remus' back. "I'm his mate."

"O-oh. I didn't know, Severus. I'm sorry... Well. Then the cure I had in mind is out of question."

"Why?"

"Because you're not a lycanthrope. It's possible to heal a werewolf, who has been touched by Argentum Perfunde, with a symbolic blood transfusion. But it has to be the mate's blood and it has to be *exchanged* with the victim's, you see. If his mate were another lycanthrope, there would be no risk, as both were already infected. But you aren't. So the possibility exists that you catch-"

"I'll take the risk." Severus answer interrupted Poppy's lecture.

"Severus, no. It's too dangerous! You mustn't-"

"I said, I'll take the risk. I've been in contact with his blood before and I... I didn't transform tonight."

"Severus, it's too dangerous! There's still a-"

"Enough, Poppy! I said, I'll take it!" Severus sounded determined, he'd found access to the intimidating layers of his voice again. "What do I have to do?"

"Roll up your sleeve."

*****

When Harry and Ellen arrived at the Hospital Wing they found Severus sitting on a bench in front of the entrance. He looked exhausted. His hair was untidy and his robes were covered with dust and brown and grey hairs. His elbows rested on his upper legs and his head was buried in his hands.

"What happened?" Harry asked as soon as they reached him, his voice shaky and filled with worry and accusations.

"He's dying..." Severus didn't look up. His hands tore his hair. "Voldemort... He... I..." He raised his head and his eyes turned to Harry. "I couldn't... He's dying, Harry... Argentum Perfunde, and I..." His face was covered by his hands again.

"Ellen, you stay with him. I'll go and see Poppy." Harry opened the door and entered the Hospital Wing. Ellen sat down next to Severus and rested her hands in her lap. Severus rubbed his face and looked at Harry's wife. His eyes displayed pain and shock. "I killed him." He stared at her and disbelief and questions seemed to pour endlessly from his eyes. "Again. I killed him." She didn't reply. Severus turned his head and focused on some point on the stone-wall in front of him. "For all those years I..." One shaking hand touched his temple and brushed through his hair, the other fumbled with his robes and started to collect Remus' hairs from it. "I never..." Brown and grey hairs piled on a small heap in his lap. "I didn't know... I... He was..." He picked up the pile of hairs and gathered them in his hands. "I couldn't... He-he never... I... I..." His hands closed to fists. "I cannot do this. I don't even know you. Leave me alone." Severus looked at Ellen again, his hands still clenched to fists. "I... I love him." Shattering surprise seeped both from his eyes and words. He opened his hands and Remus' hairs fell on his robes. "And that fucking idiot is dying on me..." Hysterical laughter started to shake Severus' body. He squeezed his eyes shut and forced his breath to return to a steady rhythm by counting his breath strokes aloud. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five..."

They sat in silence for a long time. Only every now and then strangled moans escaped Severus' throat. Once, when he seemed in danger of choking on his breath, Ellen got up and fetched a glass of water, which she offered to him. He seized it and made a movement to raise it to his lips, but his hand trembled so violently some water splashed onto his robes. He lowered the glass again and handed it back to Ellen, who smiled at him reassuringly. Severus closed his eyes. Hours passed.

Suddenly Harry burst through the door. "It's working! I don't know what you and Poppy did, but it's working! He's coming back..." He stood in front of Ellen and Severus like the young student he once was, cheeks flushed, his hair a mess, eyes gleaming, slightly out of breath, Gryffindor-wins-the-Quidditch-cup-smile on his face. Severus bolted up from the bench.

"You're not joking, Harry? Please tell me you're not joking..."

"No, Severus. I'm not joking. He passed through the transformation and now he..." Severus turned away and slowly walked over to the window, rested his hands on the windowpane and took a deep breath. He lost control over his body and it begun to shake vehemently. He broke to his knees, still clutching the windowpane. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six..." Another jerk went through him as he had pulled himself halfway up. "Start again. Concentrate. One. Two. Three. Four. Five..." This time it worked. He straightened himself and stood up. "I-I have to see him."

"Severus, I'm very sorry, but that's impossible." Harry went to stand behind him and reached out to touch his shoulder but something in Severus' demeanor made him stop in the middle of the movement. "Why?" Harry's hand sunk.

"He does not want to see you. I'm sorry."

"I understand." Severus turned around and left the Hospital Wing without looking back at Ellen and Harry, who watched him all the way down the corridor.

"I'll talk to him." Harry said grimly. "I'll talk to Remus as soon as he wakes up again."

*****

Remus,

words of war and loyalty come to my mind as I sit and prepare myself to write to you. As tempting as these words may be, I do not wish to speak them. I know they are used as weapons. Words like these are powerful. Powerful weapons. Quills and swords.

I don't want to think of you, of us, in metaphors of war. As justified as words of this kind would be in describing our relationship, I refuse them. And least of all I'm loyal.

Do you remember the day Harry's son started at Hogwarts and you came to see me? Of course you do. And I should not be reminding you of it, had I any decency left in me. Well there is not much of *anything* left in me, let alone decency.

I remember that day as the day my life began. And as the day yours ended. Again. I forced your life to an end, again. I did it the first time the night I killed Sirius Black and I did it again by violating everything you chose to be that day you came to see me.

Believe me, I did not know you were... I did not know I was the first... I did not know back then I was about to destroy your life, to destroy you again. If I had known I would have rather died than to have forced you to what we, no, what I did. I had no right to touch you, no matter how badly I needed and desired your touch.

And the other night, in Harry's house. And the night before Voldemort called me. I had no right to take these nights from you, no matter how I wished for them to come.

I treasure the these three nights, I hold their memories as both the most tormenting and the most blissful and shining memories I possess. And come the time I go to Azkaban, I know I will chose to die before I let any Dementor as much as touch them. And come the time I have to face Voldemort again, I know they will keep me proud and upright till the very end. And come the time I am alone, they will keep me what I am. They shall always remind me of who and what I am, Remus.

They will remind me of how blessed I was by your touch, of how your body touching mine reduced me to the very essence of my being, of how touching you led me to the only moments in my life I was allowed to be free of thoughts, dreams, fear or even hope.

But.

They also taught me to acknowledge the callousness and cruelty residing inside me. I had assumed that I already knew the shadows of my self. I was mistaken. I took advantage of you for my own sake. I swear, I promise you that it will never happen again. Not in my life.

Your blood runs through my veins. I can feel your blood caressing the inside of my vessels, even the smallest ones, leading to my fingertips. As I sit here and smooth the parchment I'm writing on with restless fingers, I can feel every molecule of you that flows through them. I can feel you touching the inner walls of my heart, and what a gentle touch that is! It is the most distinct feeling of purity and closeness I have ever been granted to experience. But, again, this status has been established against your will or at least without your consent. I'm indulging in a most illegitimate joy, am taking advantage of your situation again.

And my blood runs through your veins. My blood has been forced into your body, I've invaded you without consent. But you need not fear, for all this will be over soon.

I set you free, Remus, I solve our mating bonds. I'm leaving you. I don't want to hurt you again. I'm not going to hurt you again.

I love you, blood, body, heart, mind and soul. Until today I didn't know I did. Now I do. It's all I know now.

I love you.

Severus

*****

Severus put down his quill, smoothed the parchment and re-read what he had written. His fingers toyed with the slender silver knife Remus had left behind. The silence enveloping Severus and his surroundings was torn by a sudden noise when Severus seized the parchment and screwed it up.

"No!"

He crossed the room and threw it into the fireplace, where he watched motionlessly how its edges charred, bent upwards and finally were consumed by the flames.

~

There may come a time
When I will lose you
Lose you as I lose my sight
Days falling backward into velvet night
The open palm of desire
The Rose of Jericho
Soil as soft as summer
The strength to let you go

(Paul Simon, Further to Fly)

~

Dumbledore stepped on the hem of his dressing gown, stumbled and nearly fell over. It was past midnight and the sound of a fist banging against the door of his private chambers had just woken him up and thus forced him to return to reality from quite a pleasant dream. "I'm coming, I'm coming...", he muttered, still very sleepy and not fully capable of his senses. "Be patient, visitor, I'm on my way." He smiled to himself over the thought of how dangerous this short way to the door had turned out to be. He would have a little chat with Sir Cadogan about that. Opening the door he adjusted his garments and put on his half-moon spectacles. Harry Potter stood in his antechamber, huge green eyes looking up at him, obviously in grave distress. "Harry, dear, what's the matter? Come in, why don't you?" Dumbledore gestured for Harry to enter the room but Harry's hand shot out and pulled at his sleeve.

"Headmaster, please, you've to come with me! Immediately!"

"But Harry, it's in the middle of the night. What's wrong?"

"Professor Snape. He won't open his door."

"Harry, I think you know from the time you were at Hogwarts, that Professor Snape holds his privacy sacred. May it be he simply does not want to be disturbed?" Harry's hand dropped from Dumbledore's sleeve and ran through his unruly black hair.

"No, Headmaster, I don't think so. I think there's something wrong with him. After Remus said... I felt magic radiating... seeping through his door and I'm really worried something might be terribly wrong with him. Please, come with me!"

"As you also might remember, Harry, Professor Snape is a wizard, a very powerful wizard, as a matter of fact, so it shouldn't be a strange thing to-"

"Professor, I tried to make him open the door *three times* and there's just nothing... just nothing. Please help me, I'm afraid he may have... I need to talk to him." Harry looked desperate. "Now."

"Okay, Harry, I'll come with you. But let me point out that Professor Snape most likely will not be very pleased to see me in his quarters." Dumbledore stepped into the corridor and locked the entrance carefully. He followed Harry all the way down to Severus' dungeon and knocked on the door. "Severus!" Nothing happened. "Severus, please open the door. Here's somebody who wants to talk to you and it seems to be very urgent." He knocked again and again nothing happened.

"Can you feel it, Headmaster?"

"Yes, Harry, I can. But yet it doesn't seem unusual to me." He knocked a third time. "Severus!"

"Please open the door, Headmaster."

"Harry, I can't-"

"Oh, I *know* you can! Open his door!"

Dumbledore sighed. He knew how to get past the Protecting Spells and he knew the password that would unlock the door. "Harry, are you sure? I trust this must be really important. I've never forcefully invaded the rooms of any of my faculty members and I believe-"

"It *is* important, Albus, *please*, we're losing time..."

*****

The door swung open and revealed the sight of Severus, sitting at his desk, eyes unfocussed and a small silver knife in his hands. Crusted blood covered the blade.

"Severus?" Dumbledore's voice made it's way through the room and seemed to reach Severus seconds later. He turned his head and looked at the two men standing on his threshold. His eyes went from Dumbledore to Harry and lingered on his face.

"Tell him to leave my room."

Harry glanced at Dumbledore, who raised his shoulders. "I told you he would not approve-"

"Harry! Tell him to leave my room *now*!" Severus turned his head again and his eyes went hazy as they had been before. Dumbledore took two steps backwards and closed the door. Harry took a couple of steps towards Severus' desk.

"Professor Snape, no way you-"

"I've told you before, my name is Severus." His voice sounded very low and, for the first time Harry could recall, lifeless.

"Severus. No way you're going to do what you-"

"What do you thing I'm going to do then, kill myself?" He forced a harsh laugh. "Well, I've been contemplating that. I've found the perfect tool as well." The small knife twinkled in the candlelight as he let it rotate between his hands, its point pressed against the index finger of his right hand. Blood was dripping from his finger, soiling the parchments lying on the surface of his desk. "It's his." He gripped the handle with his right hand and flattened his left palm against the smooth wooden surface of his desk. He spread his fingers and rammed the silver blade through his left hand, nailing it to the desk. "It belongs to Remus. And it doesn't even hurt." His voice was as calm as it could be and he gave Harry a slightly bewildered look. Harry stared at the knife protruding from the back of Severus' hand. It still vibrated. He rushed to where Severus was sitting and simultaneously took his wand from his robe. With utter care he pulled the knife out of Severus' hand and laid it aside. Then he took the lacerated hand in his and touched the wound with his wand, muttering a spell. Instantly the blood stopped flowing and the red gap vanished. Severus raised an eyebrow.

"How did you learn-"

"I've two little children, Severus." Harry summoned a chair and sat down facing his former teacher. "What in Merlin's name do you think you're doing? How dare you-"

"It's none of your business. I don't have to answer to anybody. I can do exactly as I please."

"And what about Remus?"

"What about Remus?"

"I thought you..." Harry sighed, got up and started to pace back and forth. "He's been living with us ever since that night Sirius... Well, he's the only one... the closest... My father is dead, my godfather is dead. He's the only one..." He stopped pacing and looked at Severus. "I'm not going to lose him too." He walked up to the desk, rested his hands on the surface, bowed his arms a little and gave Severus a piercing look. "I'm not going to let you kill him."

"What the *hell* are you talking about, Potter?!" Severus pushed his chair back and jumped to his feet.

"So, is it 'Potter' again?" Harry's face flushed with anger. "Let me tell you one thing, *Snape*. I'm not willing to take this any longer. Every year, on the anniversary of 'that night' he makes us light a candle and reminds us of how you saved our lives that night. His and mine. He tells us we've got to forgive you for killing Sirius. He tells us if it weren't because of you we would... He's been calling your name night after night for years. Will you *please* answer his call this once?" He sat down again and continued in a calmer voice. "He has agreed to see you one more time. I talked to him for hours and made him promise he would let you talk to him. He's in his old room here at Hogwarts now. He's determined to leave tomorrow at daybreak. So will you *please* go and see him? And try not to screw it up *again*?"

Severus fell back in his chair. "He shouldn't be leaving, he's much to weak..." Exhaustion radiated from his body and touched Harry's skin. "Harry. As much as I would... like to see him, I'm afraid I can't. I have no right to expose him to my presence. I have no right to-"

"No, Severus, maybe you don't have the right. But you have the duty. You're his mate, for Merlin's sake, you've got the fucking responsibility to talk to him!"

*****

Remus was stuffing his few belongings into the shabby bag he'd been using for so many years now. His body was still very weak but he had left the Hospital Wing the previous evening despite Poppy's fierce protest. All he wanted for now was peace and quiet, he wanted to return to his room in Harry's house, lock the door and stay there forever. He felt sure Severus wouldn't come to see him. He had been sure of that when he promised Harry he would admit Severus, but he didn't tell Harry then. So, when somebody knocked on his door, he just called "Come in, it's open" without even turning around. The door opened and the sound of steps filled the air. "Harry, I'm ready. Can we go-" When he finally did turn around he stopped dead in the middle of the movement and went pale.

"Severus." Severus stood in the middle of the room, black robes, white face, black eyes and all. Remus could feel his presence with every fibre of his body.

"Lupin, I want a word." Just like Harry before he started to pace the room.

"I know, Severus. But you don't have to worry. I'm leaving. And I won't come back. So everything should be all right for you-"

"Nothing is going to be *all right*."

"I know, Severus. And I'm really sorry. I wish there was a way to express how... I want to apologise to you for all the things I..." His arms hung by his sides and he stared at the floor. Then he slowly turned to face the window. He sounded slightly out of breath when he spoke again. "You're life has been in danger because of me. Three times, four, if not more often. Voldemort used me to lure you into his trap. Twice. And I'm not going to let it happen again. Considering how much I love you it's most unbelievable how I forced you to face your demons again and again. I can't believe I blamed you for-"

"What did you say?"

"I can't believe I dared to blame you for my physical-"

"I didn't mean that."

"I know." Remus' shoulders fell and his head dropped. He still wouldn't turn around.

"You. Do. Not. Love. Me. Remus. It's the mating bonds. If only I had known, I would have never... That's why I'm here, Remus. I want you to let you know that there's nothing you'll have to fear anymore. I told you I've found a way to solve the bonds and I'm prepared to-"

"The hell you are!" Remus swung round. The anger, that had been temporarily straightening his figure, vanished instantly. "There's something you've got terribly wrong about those mating bonds, Severus. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but I've read some cunning lines about it somewhere. They stated that the love a lycanthrope feels for his mate does not develop because of the mating bonds but vice versa." He desperately ran his hands through his hair. "That's why I let it happen in the first place. But then I was terrified by what I did, painfully aware I forced you into a situation you weren't willing to enter. And look how it turned out... I've involved you in my life, my needs, my love up to a point that's beyond apologies, beyond any kind of words, even. You risked your life a third and a fourth time by getting in contact with my blood. You saved my life again, but at what a price... Oh gods, when I think about the danger you-"

"Stop that. Stop lying to me, stop telling me you..."

"I'm not lying. This is not a lie, Severus. I've tried to will it away, but I wasn't able to do so, no matter how hard I tried. I love you. I've done so for ages."

Severus sat down. He covered his face with his hands. When he lowered them again, shock was clearly painted on his face. His eyes glittered.

"Oh, gods, Remus... You don't know... you have no idea how... how..." His voice broke. "I love you."

He jumped up, rushed for the door and fled the room. In a matter of seconds Remus was on his feet and running after him, out of his quarters and along the corridor. Black robes billowing, an image that had been imprinted in his memories for years. He wanted to change it, wanted the black robes to swish around together with the body of the man wearing them.

"Severus! Severus, stop!" He did stop, unexpectedly, and Remus bumped into him with full speed. Severus' arms reached out to catch him from falling.

Severus locked his eyes with Remus'. They stared at each other for immeasurable seconds, breathing raggedly at first but soon in sync.

"And what do we do now? Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, Severus. But the bedroom seems a good idea to me. As a beginning, I mean."

~

"... and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes."

(James Joyce, Ulysses)

~

Severus' lips brushed against Remus' lips almost gently. "Bedroom, hm?" he whispered. The movement of his lips transmitted the words and their meaning directly to Remus' body and made him nod. "Bedroom. Mine. It's closer." Remus felt surprised by the hoarseness of his voice. Severus broke the embrace and released Remus from his arms. He walked back through the corridor to where the door to Remus' room still stood ajar. When Remus passed him entering the small chamber, he took a deep breath and inhaled Remus' scent. He closed his eyes and locked the door behind them. Remus was upon him immediately, lips and a tongue touching his lips and cheeks, fingers fumbling with the fastenings of his robes. He took another deep breath, pushed Remus away and held him at arm's length.

"Remus. I can't do this." His eyes opened and searched for Remus'.

"Why? I mean... why not?" Remus gave a very confused impression, obviously he had a hard time focusing on thinking. "What's...Don't you... want this? I know you do. I can smell it. I can smell your desire, Severus."

"I'm not a lycanthrope, Remus. I cannot smell what you want. And I swore I would never again do anything you..." Remus freed himself from Severus' touch and sat down at the table in the middle of the room. He sighed.

"What can I do to prove that I really want to? If there's anything..." He looked at Severus questioningly.

"Maybe we could..." Severus produced a small glass vial from inside of his robes and hid it in his hands. "We really shouldn't... do that, but..."

"What is it? I'm prepared to do anything, Severus, no matter what."

"It would be forcing you again."

"It would *not*. If this is what you need to... ensure that I... that we... What is it, then?"

"Veritaserum. It would be both of us, of course... No. No! It's a depraved idea. Forget it. Forget this." He turned to leave the room but Remus' harsh voice made him stop.

"Severus, let *me* make this decision, will you? For once?" Severus looked down on Remus, who was still sitting at the table but had straightened visibly. His hand dropped from the door knob and took the vial from his other hand. He gave the small bottle a disgusted look and pulled out the stopper.

"I'll go first." He raised the vial to his lips.

"You don't have to. I'm more than willing to-"

"It has to be both of us. I have to make sure I can gather the strength to ask the relevant questions. And I want us to be equal. For once." He took a sip, drained half of the bottle's content and handed it over to Remus. Without hesitation Remus seized and emptied it. He lent back.

"What do you want to know, Severus?" Severus sat down opposite Remus and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"What did you think when I killed Sirius?"

Remus gasped. He hadn't expected that Severus would ask that particular question. "I didn't really think. I was bound and gagged and in mortal danger. I thought that I didn't want to die. When you raised you wand and cast the Killing Curse, I thought: This is impossible. He cannot kill Sirius. He is my best friend, Sirius, that is. I thought: I might as well die. And then: He just saved my life, you, that is."

"And that did you feel?"

"Hate. Rage. Then nothing. You? What did *you* think? What did *you* feel?"

Severus folded his hands and rested them on the table. "I had to think all the time. The most vivid memory is of the thought: There is no way out, no way out. I was well aware that I could never risk Harry's life, for the sake of the Light. And that I never wanted to, never *could* risk yours for the sake of myself. I chose you over Sirius. Consciously. I felt helpless. Everything I could have done would turn out to be wrong... fatal... I knew, even if I never *had* you, I lost you the second I cast Avada Kedavra. I felt dead." He cleared his throat. "Why did you come to see me? After I killed him? The day Harry's son came to Hogwarts?"

"After Sirius' death I wanted to make sure you were still alive. I was afraid you might kill yourself. And I wanted to know if I could face you. If I had overcome the hate and the rage I felt that night. I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of forgiving. I wanted to prove I could live up to the principles I proclaimed, the Gryffindor principles."

"Did you succeed?"

"No. Not really. I know I told you we had already forgiven you for what you did. But that was a lie back then."

"Why did you tell me, then?"

"Because you needed to be told."

Severus stared fiercely at Remus. "And the other day? Why?"

"Because I had."

"What?"

"Forgiven you." Remus met Severus' stare with calm eyes. "I have forgiven you, Severus. It took me a long time, to be honest, well, not that I've the chance not to be, do I? It took me a long time and a lot of rituals and-"

"Such as lighting candles and dragging Harry into this *test*, this challenge of yours?"

"Such as that."

"Why did you want to forgive me at all?"

"Because you had no choice. Because you're the reason I'm still alive."

"And that's why you came to see me the second time."

"Yes. Among other reasons."

"And what reasons would that be?"

"I knew you wouldn't be able to understand... James' name."

"Ha! Good one! Potter *did* slap me in the face by naming his son after me", Severus spat.

"That's why I came. Naming his son Severus had nothing to do with slapping you in the face. Nothing. It was his way of acknowledging your sacrifice. You know Harry. He's always been... well, very symbolic in his thinking." Remus smiled. "And I came because I wanted to see you again. I wanted to see what had become of you. I just wanted to... see you again."

"And then you slept with me."

"So I did."

"Out of pity."

"No." Remus shook his head. "Because I wanted to."

"You've kept the treasure of your virginity for... what?... nearly fifty years, and then you come, see me and throw caution to the winds?"

"More or less, yes."

"But *why*?"

"Because I simply wanted to. I touched you. I tasted your tears and felt your body. I got aroused, filled with desire by your mere presence."

"You're mad."

"Maybe."

"You sacrificed your independence for a night of... what? What did it mean to you?"

"Pleasure. Pure pleasure. And fulfilment. Joy and peace." Remus blushed and lowered his eyes.

"Then why did you... flee my bed the next morning? Because you were disgusted with what you did." Severus' voice had gone very small, nearly reduced to a whisper.

"Yes. But not the way you think. I was disgusted because I forced you into a relationship you were ignorant of, a... situation you were not prepared, not willing to enter. I rushed to Dumbledore first thing after I'd left your quarters. I so desperately wanted to find a way out. A way out for you. I knew I had just manoeuvred you into something inevitable. I hated myself for doing that to you."

"There is a way out. If I were dead..." Severus felt tears running down his cheeks and wiped them away angrily. "I hate exposing my weakness to you like this", he muttered under his breath.

"Severus, the moment you came to Harry's house and offered... asked me to kill you was the worst moment in all my life. I don't want you dead. I want you alive and lying next to me, naked. Or on top of me. Or underneath me..."

"That's because of the mating bonds..." Severus tried to steady his voice and failed miserably.

"Partly, yes. I don't deny it. But, I've told you before how they work. There is no, absolutely no difference, neither in measure nor in depth nor in intensity, between how I cherished your touch before and after the mating bonds were, um, fully established. The approach of the full moon only forces me to show my needs and the craving for you more blatantly." Remus got up and walked around the table, knelt down next to Severus and took Severus' hands in his. "I had to learn that, too. Only after horrible days and nights of suffering, of craving and crying it was that I finally realised... There are no words to describe how much I want you, Severus. There are definitely no words to describe how much I *love* you. I love your body. I love the way your body talks to mine. The way you treat my body. I love your fear, your anger, your rage, your embarrassment, your lust, your desire, your Slytherin pride, your tears, your thoughts, your feelings, your scent, your eyes, even when they stare at me in loathing or despair. I love you." He kissed Severus' hands. "I do not want you dead. I do not even want to imagine a life without you."

"But...", Severus choked, "but how can that be?"

"I don't know, Severus. But it *is*." Remus carefully let one finger run across Severus' cheek and lips. "You don't have to be afraid, you know. You won't have to take over all the responsibility. There are two to carry it." He placed a gentle kiss on Severus' salty lips. "Are you content now? Are you satisfied?"

Severus shook his head vehemently. "More questions, then?" Remus asked softly. Severus shook his head again, slowly this time, and pulled Remus to his feet.

"No. No more questions."

*****

Severus lowered his head and claimed Remus' mouth with a fierce kiss. His tongue stroked Remus' lips briefly, then forced his lips to part and roughly invaded his mouth. A tight grip held Remus' head in place and made him fight for air. He felt how Severus' tongue pushed against his own, how it slid along the line of his teeth, how it drenched every part of his palate and tongue with its flavour. He felt the flavour penetrating the skin that covered his oral cavity, seeping into his veins and along these lines being carried to other parts of his body. Only when he thought the moment had come he would have to break free or suffocate did the kiss soften but deepen as well. Severus' fingers were entangled in his hair and the next second maddeningly caressed his neck before they rested on his shoulders. Severus had withdrawn his tongue and let it run over Remus' moist parted lips. Remus moaned softly and loosened the clench on Severus' robes. When he looked up to meet Severus' eyes, he found them glittering with passion. "I can taste you", he muttered. "I can taste you inside of my whole body..."

Severus closed his eyes and raised his head as if exposing his face to the rays of the sun. "I want to undress you." The vibrations of Severus' voice went through Remus' body like a shiver. Slowly Severus started to undo the fastenings of Remus' robe, never taking his eyes of his face until he had removed the robe from Remus' shoulders and hung it over a chair. Then he unbuttoned Remus' shirt and rested his hands on his bare chest. He carefully helped Remus to slip out of the sleeves and placed the shirt on top of the robe on the chair.

"Your skin tastes like honey to the tongue of my fingertips." Remus drew in a sharp breath. "Severus...", he whispered and moaned again when Severus brushed over his nipples.

"Your moan tastes like the salt of the stormy sea to the tongue of my ears." Remus heard a hoarse cry coming from his throat.

"Severus, if you continue like this, you'll make me come without even-"

"Your hesitancy tastes like rich red wine to the tongues of my lust and desire."

"Se-Severus, I-"

"Your voice veiling my name tastes like a lover's kiss to the tongue of my heart."

Severus pulled him into a tight embrace when the stroke of orgasm seized Remus' body. He felt the waves that went through Remus floating over his own body and slowly ebbing. After another moment of breathing together he released Remus, unbuttoned his trousers and pulled them down to Remus' feet. He sank to his knees and licked away the come that covered Remus' cock. "I can taste you, too." Remus hands ran through Severus' hair. Severus could hear him panting. He rose to his feet again and kissed Remus languidly. "See?" He smiled. Remus shook his head.

"This is... incredible. *You* are incredible." Remus engaged Severus' mouth in a passionate kiss. "You have no idea of how much I want you, Severus." Within seconds he undressed Severus and led him to the bed. "But I do intend to show you some of it", he said while lying down. Severus gazed down at Remus spread out naked on the covers. "Please do. Do." And he joined Remus, wrapping his arms around Remus' body. "Show me."

The response was yet another lingering kiss and a hand sliding along Severus' spine. Remus' lips traced Severus' neck, his teeth scratching the surface of Severus' skin. He stopped at the spot where the neck met the shoulder and sucked hard. The sensation of that marking made Severus gasp. His erection twitched, what didn't pass unnoticed nor unanswered.

"I see you're beginning to understand...", Remus murmured and slid his hand between Severus' legs. Teasingly avoiding to touch Severus' aching cock, he caressed his inner thighs and let his finger run along the arc in which Severus' buttocks connected with his legs.

Severus pressed himself against his lover's body. They both were flushed with heat and longing. Severus parted Remus' legs with his knee and his hips urged forward, forcing Remus' erection to meet with his. He couldn't keep silent, moans dropped from his lips into Remus' hair. When Remus closed his fingers around Severus' cock, he cried out. "Please. Oh, gods, *please*, show me..."

Remus moved a little and turned around until he was lying on his belly. "Why don't you try and find out?" He grinned mischievously but his eyes hazy with desire betrayed his teasing. Severus positioned himself between Remus' legs and stroked his back. Then he rested his hands on Remus' buttocks. He traced the line parting the two cheeks with his thumbs in a descending movement and let his right index finger slide between them at the end of it. When the finger entered Remus' anus, both Severus and Remus held their breath.

"Aaahhh", Remus cried out and started to pant as soon as Severus' finger began moving inside him. Severus inserted a second finger and Remus arched into the touch. When Severus began to stretch him, Remus' moans turned into soft cries of pleasure. "Oh, yes. Yes. Severus. Oh, please, yes..." Severus bent over to reach for his wand that was lying on the bedside table.

"No. Severus, no...", Remus' voice was hoarse and breathless. "No, I don't want a lubricant. I want just you, nothing else..." Severus frowned. "Use anything that comes from you, Severus. It's *you* I want." Finally Severus withdrew from the movement he had started and raised his hand to his mouth. He coated his fingers with saliva and lowered his hand again. Remus felt how Severus applied the liquid to his anus and breathed deeply.

"Please, Severus, *now*. I want you now. You won't hurt me, I swear. Please. Please take me now..."

Severus was more than ready to comply with Remus' begs. He wet his fingers again and covered his throbbing, hard shaft with his saliva, mingling it with the pre-come dripping from it. "You *are* quite some potion-brewer, Severus", Remus muttered but was silenced by the sensation of Severus' cock pushing past his tight ring of muscle. Severus stopped his thrust when the head of his shaft was inside Remus and allowed his lover to catch his breath. Then he pushed in. One slow, agonising movement and he was entirely wrapped in Remus' hot tightness. He rested his body on Remus and counted his breath strokes inwardly. He entwined his fingers with Remus' and tenderly kissed his neck.

"I love you." His breath caressed Remus' neck and his scent filled Remus' nose. "I love you." Another arousing touch of Severus' breath swept over Remus' skin.

"And I love you, Severus." He writhed underneath Severus' weight and moaned. "Aaaahhh, for Merlin's sake, please *move*. I want to feel you moving inside me. Please. Move. Now. Severus..."

Severus started a slow and tender rhythm. He nearly pulled out completely and then thrust back in again. Remus arched and tried to push Severus deeper inside himself. Soon their pace quickened as did their breath. Severus clenched his jaws and squeezed Remus' hands tightly. He tried to hold back for another few thrusts but his efforts were of no success.

His climax seized his body like a fit. He cried out, he suspected there was Remus' name in his cry, but coherence faded as he spent himself into Remus. His seed shot out of him and took his sense of time and place and breath and self with it. Years or seconds later he collapsed onto Remus, sweat covered his body and he trembled.

Remus moved under him and gently rolled him onto his back. He opened his eyes and found Remus staring at him longingly. All he could do was part his legs, nod and muster a muttered "Yes. Please...".

Remus knelt between Severus' legs and reached behind his back. When his hand appeared again, it was covered with Severus' come. He gave his cock a couple of full length strokes, thus imbuing it with his lubricant.

He didn't take the time to prepare Severus but entered him in one fierce thrust. As soon as he was completely buried inside his mate, he came, hard and violently.

"Gods, that was...", he whispered when he had recovered from his climax quite some time later.

"Yes." Severus answered calmly.

Their bodies clung to each other and their breath was one.

Severus still didn't know where they possibly might go from there. But he didn't care the slightest bit.