WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.
Title: Something Desired As Essential
Author: Yue Kato
E-Mail: huiw@rocketmail.com
Rating: PG
Summary: It was a hard road back to Hogwarts for Lupin, and an even harder one to Snape's heart.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or the books, or the movie. Or the actors.
Notes: Ever since I first read PoA, I’ve deeply believed that Snape and Lupin belonged together. It’s a bit sad, really, to see the dearth in Snape/Lupin fics around. But the few that I’ve found and read were definitely quality stuff ^_^ and here I am adding my own meagre offerings to this absolutely wonderful pairing. This is going to be a series of vignette-like parts that loosely follow the events of PoA as they progress. At least that’s the plan at the moment. I shall add more chapters as and when inspiration strikes me. Please do leave a comment to tell me what u think ^_^ I’ve found that reviews really go a long way in encouraging me to write.
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It wasn’t as explosive, or dramatic, as he had thought it would be. He had assumed that their reunion, of sorts, would have garnered more a reaction from the other man.
For some reason, his legs had acquired a mind of their own and he’d found himself descending into the cold, dank depths of the dungeons, not long after he’d exchanged the necessary greetings with Dumbledore, and Filch had showed him his room. The place hadn’t changed much, still gloomy, the chill that never went away permeating the walls and the very air in the granite corridors, seeping into his lungs with every breath. He shivered involuntarily.
He hadn’t really come across this part of Hogwarts before, but the Marauder’s Map imprinted in his mind told him this was where he would be: the room that had housed the Heads of the Serpent House for hundreds of years, since Salazar Slytherin himself.
The door wasn’t completely shut, leaving a hairline crack that widened as he slowly pushed the door open, hoping to catch a glimpse of the occupant within before he realised he had a visitor. The creak of the hinges, loyal to the room’s owner, gave him away. He was greeted with the sight of the black head snapping up from his work at his desk, and the equally dark eyes widening fractionally.
He’s grown old, was the first thought that came to him. Despite the hair maintaining its raven sheen, he could detect the changes, the signs of forced aging. His enhanced eyesight picked out the fine lines and dark circles, and the semi-exhausted cast in the features, the skin that had never looked too healthy to begin with. His posture and bearing were still proud, arrogant, but something… essential, it seemed, had been weathered away. He’d changed, yet not. The years had honed his appearance, stripping away the frills. They had removed the boy, the preoccupations that came with youth, leaving behind just the essence that was Severus Snape.
It made his heart ache, standing here looking at him gazing back, just like it had all those years ago.
Finally Snape deigned to speak to him. “It’s you.” He had never been one for words, and after what had happened back then, the dealings between them had grown even more meagre.
“Hello, Severus. It’s been a long time.” He wished Snape would say his name. He missed the way the syllables rolled off the other man’s tongue, rich and velvety dark, eliciting secret tremors in parts deep within.
“Has it? I never realised.” That part of the Slytherin hadn’t changed, at least. Still ungiving, reserved, aloof. He closed his eyes as the accustomed pain washed over him – pain at the remembrance of intimacy, softly spoken endearments, whispered caresses that had become nothing but faded memories.
“Yes, it has. I’ve missed you, Severus.” He didn’t overlook the slight clenching of Snape’s hand around the quill. /Two can play at this game./ He knew how to get to the Potions Master, just as the other was aware of his own weaknesses.
“You must be another one of Dumbledore’s charity cases, no doubt.” His tone was dismissive, as if he’d lost interest in whatever they had been saying and was eager to get back to his work. But it was evident to both of them that it was a step back, a retreat.
“It was very kind of Headmaster Dumbledore to offer me the position. My situation was getting rather… untenable,” he replied mildly, not rising to the bait. He could be gracious in his victory. Besides, he wasn’t too keen to share the details of his life before his arrival at Hogwarts.
Snape made a non-committal sound, but it was clear that the conversation, farce that it was, had ended.
But he hadn’t yet accomplished what he had come for. “Severus.”
The sallow face glanced back up, the black depths flashing with impatience. “Yes?”
/Say my name. At least once. Can’t I even have that to savour and hold?/ “It’s been years, Severus. I hope… that we can both put whatever has happened behind us. I would really like the two of us to at least have a decent… working relationship.”
Snape’s face had taken on that shuttered look he’d always hated. The man had impassiveness refined to an art. Then there was a flicker of something as he stood up and came around the desk.
He hardly dared breathe as Snape approached, then brushed past so near the folds of their robes tangled in a warped pretence at intimacy. Snape paused, one hand on the door. His expression seemed almost regretful. “Forgive me, Remus. I’m not sure if that is something I can promise.” He inclined his head slightly before walking out. “I’ll see you in the dining hall.”
Lupin sank down into the chair he’d refused to sit in the entire time he’d been talking to the other man. He clutched the armrests with trembling fingers as he leaned back, staring blankly at the cracks that spread, met, and separated again across the stone ceiling of the dungeon room.
He had said his name, and it was just as gloriously beautiful as he remembered it.
It was just as heart-breaking.
fin
