WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Forced Communications
Author: T'Pau Silver
E-Mail: TPauSilver@aol.com
Website: http://www.geocities.com/TPau_Silver
Rating: PG
Summary: Snape writes to Lupin after the events of PoA to explain his actions. Time scale thing: After POA
Warnings: you must think to properly take in the fic...and never drink bleach...
Disclaimer: If they were mine I'd be buying a blimp, not writing fanfic...
Notes: 1/ any input you have about writing Snape's character is much appreciated. Normally I slip into a character easily but I had trouble with Snape...I'm really starting to hate writing him... 2/ This fic has a HEAVY Snape bias. Take everything in it with a pinch of salt. 3/ This fic also acts as an attempt to explain why what Harry sees in SWM is...well...Snape's worst memory.

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I am writing on behalf of our dear headmaster. He wishes me to enquire about your supply of wolfs bane potion. How long do you expect it to last? Was the old potion as effective as the freshly brewed? Reply soon, if you need more I must begin brewing it now. Dumbledore still wants me taking care of his pet werewolf.

I feel I owe you an explanation. I don't want to go into all this, Lupin, but the headmaster's been badgering me for a while. He feels you have a right to know why I found it necessary to alert the Slytherin table to your…condition.

You may not want to hear this, however am being forced to write it. Since I am going to the lengths of explaining myself I should give you a full explanation. That's means going back. Back to a time I am sure you would rather forget about completely.

Do you remember how we used to be? I wish I could forget. What the likes of Lucius Malfoy would think of me if they knew I had a werewolf as a childhood friend. Not as thought we had much of a choice in the matter, mind. Keep in mind, Lupin, I didn't like you really. Not even back them. Just because you live on the same road as someone shouldn't mean you have to be best friends. If only I'd grown up somewhere respectable like Hogsmeade, then I wouldn't have had to resort to making friend with the likes of you.

I have an excellent memory Lupin. I remember what things were like back then. We would have never imagined we would turn out like this. We thought ourselves best friends. What may have happened if you'd been a little more willing to keep up our friendship.

Do you remember when we got the letters Lupin? Hogwarts acceptance letters. I remember it well. Your parents were so excited about it, perfect little Remus getting into Hogwarts. I didn't even get a well done. Nothing less was expected of a Snape.

Can you remember, Lupin? Do you remember how your parents were too poor to afford to take the bus down with you after they'd bought all your school things.

Send you off with me and my filthy muggle of a mother instead. Surprised they trusted her. It wasn't like they had any choice, I suppose.

The silly bitch left us when we got to the station. I can still feel that station, taste it. It was filthy. The air was stale and the floor was sticky. But I wasn't upset or afraid. I was a Snape. You were though. Do you remember how you clung to my hand? Lost and alone without your parents. Mind you, you never did like crowded places, did you? And the station was very crowded that day. We nearly missed the train, had to run to get it. Do you remember how we sat next to each other in a carriage of third years? You looked like you were going to cry.

I remember it all Lupin. I remember the excitement. I remember walking down to the stage, head held high. I remember sitting down with the sorting hat and it putting me, without hesitation, in Slytherin. The only house befitting a Snape. Imagine having to write home and tell my father I was placed in Hufflepuff. You took longer though. The hat seemed to consider you. I can remember you were shaking, I was watching very closely.

I admit Lupin, I wanted you in Slytherin with me. It was a little intimidating. Coming from the family I did, I didn't know any of the other Slytherins. None of them would associate with a poor boy like me. Just because my father has to be such a rebel and run of with a muggle. I think, if it hadn't been for my intelligence, I would have been eaten alive in Slytherin. But through hard work, Lucius singled me out and helped me with certain social situation, in exchange for me helping him with certain academic situations. Despite what you may have believed, I never had a friendship with him. Slytherins didn't have friendships. They had agreements.

But, you were placed in Griffindor. Now, I didn't know much about inter-house relations back then, but I knew that, as a Slytherin, I couldn't be friend with a Griffindor. That didn't seem to bother you though. Why should it? Innocent little boy that you were, thinking we could all just get along.

I suppose it worked for a while. No-one was any the wiser that the owls I got every other morning were from a Griffindor. And we met up from time to time. But all that ground to a halt, didn't it. You were to busy with that damn Potter boy and Black to write to me. You may say it was the work and you weren't feeling well but I knew the truth. I knew you were sickly and I could excuse you a few letters for that, but you were waiting weeks to respond. I knew we weren't friends anymore so I just gave up. What's the point in keeping up a friendship with a filthy Griffindork who's to busy with his new friends anyway.

But we still had the summer, didn't we Lupin. None of your little Griffindor friends wanted the responsibility of you over the summer so you were stuck with me. But there's one specific summer this all relates to. The summer after our fourth year.

I know you remember it, Lupin. How could you not? My stupid muggle of a mother was becoming an alcoholic. My father tried to do something about it but she wouldn't listen to him. They were always fighting. Do you remember, Lupin? Do you remember five nights into the summer?

I remember. They were fighting again. But it was night now. My dear mother was drunk again and my father was trying to set her straight. She wouldn't have any of it though. Couldn't see what was good for her. Then they started to get physical. Punching and kicking. Of course, in those small two up two down affairs we lived in, I could hear every bang.

I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I did it. Our rooms were next to each other, remember. Remember that time we found the hole through the wall and put a tin can telephone through it. That muggle boy down the street gave it you, remember? We had to pull our beds away from the wall to set it up and there wasn't much room to move. We ended to camping on the floor, looking at each other through the hall and taking down the telephone, until my father came in and took it away. He closed the hole up the next day.

Well, that night. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just remember thinking I needed to get out. You were the only person I could go to. I must have been stupid, climbing out onto the roof of the small outbuilding outside my window. I could just reach your window to rap on it.

For some reason, you weren't surprised to find me there. You just reached out and grabbed me, pulling me into your room. I could still hear my parents next door but I felt safer now I knew they couldn't hit me. Especially when you pulled down the window and put the latch on. I can still remember you room Lupin, the walls were covered with that horrible bobbly paper like you find in muggle houses. It was peeling off in some places and the carpet was thin. But it was all very clean. You were always clean and well organised.

You slipped back into your bed and pulled me down with you. I slid under your tattered floral duvet and felt your warmth next to mine and that was when I knew this summer was going to be different then any I'd ever had before.

I was correct as well. We were both growing quickly, discovering ourselves and the people around us. I am slightly ashamed to admit that that was the best summer of my life. Of course, my parents argued none-stop nearly every day, but I was fine with that as long as I could escape to your house. We spent hours just sat in your bedroom, laughing together and talking. Sometimes we would go out. Remember we used to walk out of town and down Swan lane to the pool down there. No muggles ever went down there so we often had the place to ourselves, being the only wizards our age in the area.

Do you remember what happened there Lupin? Do you remember the second week of the holiday. It was a fiendishly hot day and we'd walked down to the pool rather then sit inside. I'd taken some money from my parents that morning. I did that a lot. Not much, mind. Just enough muggle money for some ice cream at the corner shop. My father would have hit me if he knew I was taking money, but the way I looked at it, it was just less money for them to spend on alcohol.

I remember you took your time eating ice cream. You used to say it was too good to rush. You would linger over it, licking it away. I used to wolf it down.

Kind of ironic. Either way, I'd finished my ice cream so instead I sat there watching you. You were eating mint choc chip. Your tongue would snake out just a little and lick a bit away, then you would take a little more from the other side. You would sit there and lick if for hours until it melted and ran over your hand. I remember sighing and going to wipe your hand. You laughed at me and told me I was worse then your mother. We were sat so close then. You were smiling, still with ice cream everywhere like a five year old.

Why did you kiss me? Or did I kiss you? I don't suppose it matters after all this time. Your lips were wet and soft and a little sticky from the ice cream. My first kiss, Lupin. At the time I presumed it was yours to. It was only years latter that I found out you kissed a Ravenclaw girl in your fourth year. It doesn't really matter now.

Since we were still sharing your bed, I suppose it was inevitable that the kissing carried on, and became more. Inquisitive touches in the darkness while your parents slept and mine screamed. I wish now that we'd gone beyond touching. At least then, to us, it meant something. Even if it means nothing in the long run.

Well, it meant something to me anyway.

I suppose, in retrospect, we should have spoken about it. We didn't say a thing though. Never gave voice to our feelings. I imagine you thought I didn't have any. That was what your little Griffindor friends used to say about me anyway. I remember everything they said to me. People thought I was cruel to you, but it was nothing to the things you all said about me. But who was going to get the benefit of the doubt, the charming Quidditch player or the Slytherin with greasy hair who was always scowling?

If we had spoken to each other, would things have been different? If I'd known how you had felt? I doubt it. I was too content with the little world we'd built up. I imagined things had changed between us.

Nothing changed though, did it Lupin? We went to the station together, then you abandoned me for your little friends. I understood. We couldn't be seen together. I went off to sit with the other Slytherins, finishing their homework on the train.

I waited for you to owl me Lupin, but you never did. Not a note. I didn't see you alone at all. I wanted to, but I didn't want to be seen sending a note to you.

At the very least, I thought things would change between myself and your friends. You would defend me.

Things seemed to be going well for a while. It may simply be that I was so engrossed in my study for my owls and all the extra homework piled on me, both by teachers and by housemates. You and your friends were probably experiencing the same thing. I was so engrossed in my exams I didn't notice a lot of what was going on around me. My marks were my only success, I had to ensure them.

Do you remember the day after our Defence against the dark arts owl, Lupin? I don't suppose you do. Just another day for you. Nothing special. It was the worst day of my life Lupin. Until that point I had managed to convince myself that you would still defend me if it came to it.

I was going over the exam in my mind, I do that. Checking for mistakes. Trying to be as certain as I can that my position in the house is assured for the next year. I was outside. We'd all been sent out. I saw you, lazing their with your friends. I wanted to go over and talk to you, but I didn't dare.

Then they saw me.

They were like a pack of animals! They pounced, turning my over in the air and riding me of any dignity. Did you say a thing? NO! You sat there with your nose in your book. And I hated you. I hated you so much Lupin. You had betrayed me, let me be embarrassed in front of the entire school, and you could have put a stop to it.

You came to my house a lot that summer, but I didn't speak to you. I installed a lock on my bedroom door, and thick drapes at the window. I would lay there for yours on end, staring at the ceiling, thinking of the utter embarrassment your friends had forced on me.

That was why I was so eager to learn your secret the next year Lupin. You had embarrassed me, now I wanted the power to do the same to you. Of course, I never had that satisfaction. My life was placed in danger and, not only did Black get of scott free, but I was forbidden to tell anyone of your…illness.

Funny how things go around in circles, isn't it Lupin. Again, this year, we became friends. Not close friend, maybe, but friends none the less. And you, Black, and Potter's son humiliated me once again. But now I could have the revenge for which I had longed. Now I could let your dirty secret slip. Let you have the embarrassment for once.

I hope you understand now Lupin. You have brought all this upon yourself, I will not be held responsible.

Snape