WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Jumper
Author: T'Pau Silver
E-Mail: tpausilver@aol.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Drama/Angst
Summary: After everything is over, Severus begins to think about his place in everything.
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, and there's a song involved, run, save yourself
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: This got in my head and wouldn't go away until I wrote it. I was sitting on the college bus, it was uncharacteristically quiet. We can to a stop next to the local reservoir. Through the trees that line the road I could see the reservoir, lit up gold by the sunset, and then this song came on. It just...It was Remus and Severus. For me, anyway. It's one of the reasons their relationship would work. For Cin, even thought I don't think she reads Harry Potter, for sending me a lovely CD with this song on, which set me of with this story.

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I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.
I would understand,
The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're the flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they are doing here,
And your friends have left, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...
Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand...

I can't believe it has come to this. I have worked so long and hard to avoid my demons but sometimes there is nothing you can do. Sometimes your demons catch up to you and pull you down and you just can't escape from them. I've run for a long time. Since I was a child I've sought to escape. That's what I'm doing now, only now I'm taking the final step away.

How many people have their demons look them in their face. I faced him down. You-know-who. I can't even stand to say his name. He'd dead now.

I thought Id got him from my life a long time ago. As I stood there though, with Black and Lupin, and Potter and Malfoy and the Weasley boy and Granger. As I looked down on his body. I couldn't help but realise my entire life revolves around him. Around trying to separate myself from him. I am nothing. I have nothing. No friends. No life. I'm not loved or even liked.

I think I fooled myself that if I managed to have a hand in defeating You-know-who it would undo all post evils. Maybe people would look at me in a different way. But they don't. I'm still Severus Snape. A bitter and twisted man. That's all I can ever be.

I have many fatal substances in my possession, I've never felt the need to use one on myself before. I do now though. It's all to much. I'm holding a vial in my hand. The contents could kill a small country worth of people. I'm going to drink it. I am. I can't quite seem to make myself move, though.

I don't think it was You-Know-Who’s body that disturbed me the most. It was Lupin. Damn him. I...

When we were both working here I was forced to tolerate him, and I grew to like him. All I wanted was a little recognition. His friendship maybe. It obviously wasn't for me though. It's all I deserve. I'm not good enough for him. He has Black.

I used to watch them when we were at Hogwarts. The way they were together. Any fool could see they were in love. I could anyway. It was such a wonderful and pure emotion. It made me mad to see it as I knew I could never have anything like that. And I wanted it. I wanted Lupin.

I still do.

And even now, after all this, he's still to good for me. Happiness is to good for me. Air is to good for me.

I should just do it. Drink. I can't quit bring myself to though. It's like I'm waiting for something but it isn't going to happen.

I know I'm waiting for him. I want him to rush in here and tell me not to do it and that he likes me. That he'll be my friend and we can write to each other, long winding letters. And go drinking together. And he'll accept me. It's all I want. I know if I ask for more I'll never get it. Ill never get this really. It isn't going to happen though. If he did stumble in here, rather then stay my hand he would help it.

But death still seems so final. Final. An end to all my hopes and dreams. It's an end to all my pain though to. I won't have to hurt again. I won't have to suffer and live with knowing I'm not good enough.

And then the door opens. And it's him. Of all the things to happen. I would never have thought this would happen. I can't look at him though. I can't move. I'm numb. I'm frozen in place, holding the vial.

He slowly moves to my side. He crouches in front of me so he can see my face. He's concerned. Damn him. Probably only concerned about doing the right thing. He would never be concerned with me specifically. I'm not good enough.

He reached out and touched my hand. He's warm. I know I should act now. Move to end my life. But I can't. I need to see what he's going to do.

He enfolds my hand with his, and gently pries my fingers open. He lifts the vial out. It's clearly labelled and I hear him draw a sharp breath when he sees what I am clutching. Slowly he withdraws his hand. I find the strength to look up at him and he is shocked and horrified.

“Please give it to me,” he implores, reaching out. I can't move. I don't know what I want anymore. I finally manage to form words.

“Why not take it?”

“I don't want to, Severus,” he says softly, meeting my eyes. “If you can't go on, I don't want you to suffer. But please tell me why. Please let me help you...”

I can't meet his eyes now. I look down. It's so...I don't know. It's not stupid. Not to me anyway. It's important to me. It may seem stupid to him thought and I don't want him to think I'm stupid. Never. But he asked. And he asked to help. He wanted to help ME. I have to tell him.

“I can't escape my demons,” I whisper slowly. “Every time I think I've escaped my past it comes back to haunt me. I can't ever be free. I can't ever by redeemed for past evils.”

“Yes you can,” he whispered, reaching out to touch my hand again.

“I can't,” I say. “I've done to much wrong. I've hurt everyone.”

“I've forgiven you,” he whispers softly. “For anything and everything you've done. I forgive you.”

I shake a little. Sobs barely suppressed. He doesn't know what he's saying. How can he possibly know all the things I've done and be able to forgive me for them.

“I don't think I ever really hated you. We all do stupid things. Lord knows I've done my share. I never even knew you. How could I hate you when I didn't know you? But I know you now. Or I know you better now anyway. You're not evil and I forgive you for the things you've done.”

“You can't possibly know,” I whisper. “I'm awful. I have no friends. No one cares for me. I have hurt and bullied so many. Even now, when I claim to have come over to the good side, I can't help but hurt everyone.”

“You don't,” he whispers. “You can stop.”

“I can't,” I reply. I know I sound pathetic. I'm just so week.

“You can,” he insists. “People will forgive you. Give them time and they'll see the truth. You're a good person. You just haven't had enough happiness in life. Let me help you.”

“I can't be happy,” I whisper, refusing to believe what he is offering to me. “I've tried. I've tried so hard. I've never been able to though. Never been able to do anything worthwhile.”

“Let me try anyway,” he says, almost pleading. “I want to be you're friend. I want to spend time with you. We can be happy together. Please...” then he mumbles something. I can't make it out and look at him in confusion. He blushes for a second.

“I know...I know..” he says, going bright red and pulling back.

“I didn't hear you.” He blushes even louder, then he looks up and meets me eyes.

“I think I could love you. I think we could be good together. We could cut ties with these lies we live. Go somewhere else. Be happy. I really think we could.

“I...I'm sorry. I know this is probably the last think you want to hear. But...If you don't want to see me again Ill understand. I had to say it though...”

It's a good job I keep all my dangerous substances in shatterproof containers as the vial tumbles from my fingers. I shake a little and try to form words. It can't be true. It can't be real. Everything I want here, now? Being offered to me so freely?

I fell to my knees so I am level with him, our eyes meet. I can't form words. I need to talk. To tell him that I know. That I agree. That I love him.

Then our lips meet. A soft gently kiss. I try to tell him through this. I know it's soppy and overly emotional but it's all I can manage and I think he understands.

We pull back and look at each other, surprise on both our faces. Then his face softens to a look of love and caring. I can barely believe it's turned to me. He leans forward and presses a gently kiss to my forehead.

There is still on question though, Sirius. What happened to him? How does he fall into this? I ask Remus and he looks a little troubled, then smiled tiredly.

“I used to love him. While we were at Hogwarts. I think I did anyway. But after everything that happened with James and Lilly. They thought I was working with you-know-who! I...how could I trust him after that? And his time in Azkaban changed him. He's not the person I knew then. He's moved on and so have I.”

“This is real?” I find my self whispering. I need a final affirmation. In answer, Remus brings his hand up behind my head and draws me forward into another kiss.

This is real.