WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: How to Kiss a Death Eater in 5 Not-So-Easy Steps
Author: Snaples
E-Mail: severus_snaples@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor
Summary: One of Professor Lupin's more interesting lessons.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns them. I just play with them, whether they like it or not.

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7th Year DADA Course - 3rd Term Pedagogic Essay Material
by Professor Remus Lupin

"Kissing a Death Eater is not quite as simple as one might think it is.  The effects may be staggering, a little overwhelming if one is not prepared.  However, I believe I've compiled a proper syllabus that will no doubt help you along the way. 

Death Eaters are, by nature, clandestine little creatures.  They tend to shy away from Human contact and their appearance will usually lend to repulsion.  I once met a Death Eater who'd retired his toothbrush for five years.  Quite messy.  Suffice it to say, I did not attempt to kiss that one.  Others, while impeccable in appearance, will exhibit such animosity that one may wonder if these creatures were born with a heart at all.  Yet others will have worked a lifetime to combine both aspects; this is what I call the true Death Eater.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I do not wish to be ambiguous about this; Death Eaters are Human, regardless how questionable their inheritance may be.  They just like to pretend they're not.  And contrary to popular belief, you will find a few Muggle-borns or half-bloods in their ranks, but rarely.  I would stay clear of those - they usually despise their own kind tenfold.

Now, the approach to kissing a Death Eater is the longest and most laborious step to the procedure.  They will hiss and spit nicely if you physically close in on them, and some will take to biting.  Unless this is your thing, allow me to give you pointers on how to avoid that kind of confrontation.

Do not attempt to befriend the Death Eater; this will provoke irreparable damage to the relationship you are trying to craft, and most likely you will lose the opportunity to try again.  A nonchalant attitude is critical at this point.  I assure you, nothing will bother the discriminating Death Eater more than an indifference to their insults.  If you've done it correctly, their curiosity will be piqued.  Do not overexcite yourselves!  I cannot stress this enough: you need to maintain a cool head.  If you do anything to arouse the Death Eater's suspicion, they will rebuke you quicker than you can disapparate the Hell out of there.

Once the Death Eater's interest is aroused, you will no doubt feel the urge to engage them in conversation.  And yes, I know chapter four deals with conversational topics to strike up with the Death Eater, but I've never approved of Sir Eratus' theories.  The decision, in the end, will be up to you, and will depend largely on your Death Eater's behavioral pattern.  If you feel a little tête-à-tête would not be appropriate, there are a number of other ways to deepen the contact.

Which brings me to point number 2.

We've already established that Death Eaters shy away from Human contact, but that doesn't mean they don't like the spot of touching once in a while.  Again, I reiterate - do not be overly excited!  Once they smell your motives, they will run from you like a bat out of Hell and you will have lost your chance to snog with your creature.  Baby steps.  For example, your Death Eater looks at you as though the dirt beneath their shoe has suddenly decided to address them.  What do you do?  No, you do not run.  Anyone else?  Ah, thank you.  Yes, that's right.  You refer to point 1 and remain cool and collect.  Smile, even, if you can manage it.  This will distress the Death Eater.  A momentary confusion like this is what you need to be able to touch them.  Nothing overly obvious!  A simple brush of the shoulders as you walk or turn away is always a nice way of closing the distance.  Once you've done this, you must retreat.  Lingering will arouse their suspicion.  There's nothing wrong in leaving your Death Eater wavering on their feet and wondering what the Hell just happened.  In fact, this is exactly what you need to do.

Once this primary touch has been dealt, you will now have a clear path to bolder moves.  As I've said, baby steps.  The process is long, though not as long as the initial approach.  Remember, your Death Eater now knows you exist, so they will be more reticent in shying from your presence.  Bonus points if you can drop them hints that you find You-Know-Who's political opinions 'interesting'; if nothing else, duty will force them to acknowledge you as less than filth for doing so.

Right, bolder moves.  If you have the fortune of sitting next to one at a communal meal, you might brush your fingers against theirs while reaching for your drink.  Please remember subtlety!  They will not appreciate a public fondling, nor would your peers I imagine.  Footsies are well and good, but I'd hold off on that one.  Death Eaters fancy sharp heels, and it would not do to have your careful calm shattered by a smarting toe.

I should point out that your Death Eater will be making an intense effort to verbally humiliate you.  If you remember to smile and remain sharp, their efforts will only be wasted and replaced with irritation.  Irritation is good!  It means they're questioning their ability to make you feel sub-Human.

Now, unless you're able, by some incredible fortune, to lace their drink with a powerful inebriating substance, you're still a long way from kissing your Death Eater.  If I haven't mentioned it before, patience is a must.  The process can take as much as a year to accomplish.  Yes, I know - it seems rather pointless to wait that long for an impulse, but believe me, the reward is more than worth it.

Ah, bringing us to point 3...

If you've done everything I've said so far, your existence should now be considered an annoyance to the Death Eater, and they will try even harder to avoid you.  Don't be daunted by this.  It's a perfectly normal reaction, and it doesn't mean you've lost your opportunity.  Now, more than ever, you will need to exercise caution.  This also means you're ready for step 3.

Conversing with a Death Eater can drain a significant amount of your endurance.  I suggest getting in a good night's sleep before attempting this; you will need all your wits about you to succeed.

A good conversation topic to strike up is, of course, You-Know-Who.  You might browse the Daily Prophet and mention, casually, that the Dark Lord's been having a merry time torturing some poor muggle to death.  No matter how disgusted you are by the news, keep your tone neutral.  Showing an abundance of false admiration will make your Death Eater suspicious, and a plain admission of where you think You-Know-Who can shove his wand will certainly make the Death Eater abandon hopes of turning you to the Dark side.

If you don't trust yourself to discuss a topic that you feel you're not emotionally prepared for, there are other subjects that might interest them.  But please remember that 'small talk' will, in no way, interest them.  A mention of the weather will entice a sneer capable of cracking Erised itself.  Keep your topics intelligent and compelling.  If you're bold, you can even throw in a sarcastic remark to spark a few debates.  Death Eaters love to argue.

Continue this as long as it takes.  It may take a month or it may take a year.  Again, it depends on your Death Eater.  In the end, you should be able to appear at their door for a bit of conversation without them setting you on fire.  This is a good thing.

Death Eaters, as I've mentioned earlier, are Human.  The effects of alcohol on their anatomy is, thus, predictable.  This is why step 3 is so important, because a Death Eater will rarely share a drink for anything but conversation.  So those of you who were hoping to get your Death Eater pissed at a party can forget it; they'll no doubt make up an excuse about cleaning their Dark Mark than attend.

If you've given your Death Eater an excuse to share a drink over some nonsensical discussion, you'll be halfway there.  Invite them to your quarters, though please be aware that you should have already taken to converse there already.  You must make your Death Eater comfortable enough, after all, to touch alcohol, and they won't if they are in unfamiliar territory.

Offering them a drink in your quarters is preferable, since regardless of their acceptance, you can still take one yourself.  Asking an unprepared Death Eater for a drink in their quarters will only lead to an awkward silence and will destroy whatever progress you may have had done with them.

If you manage to get your Death Eater to drink, good on you.  I've seen cases where a first kiss was shared during the first drink, though please remember not to be disappointed if this doesn't happen with you.  It may take several more nights to steal that first lip-lock.

Which leads me to...

Right.  You're both nicely relaxed and conversing at this point.  You should remember to continue with calm.  Jumping your Death Eater like an overzealous teenager will not only invite rebuke but will probably land you a few irreparable injuries.  I always like to think that a person who's liable to throw a Cruciatus curse at you would do well to be approached carefully.

Do not flatter your Death Eater!  I cannot stress this enough.  Telling them in a misty voice that they have the shiniest hair this side of Hogwarts will be the end of it, painfully if your Death Eater can get away with it.  It is crucial to continue will the same blasé attitude you've always maintained with your creature.  You must give them the allure of power.  You must make them understand that they have the full reign of everything that is going on.

Right, so you're a bit sloshed - be warned that imbibing alcohol must be done so responsibly.  You must have at least equal or more self-control than the Death Eater in your presence, or else you're threatening to be in a slightly precarious situation.  Conversation may turn surreal, though please do not expect to wrench a laugh from the Death Eater.  They will most likely smile, if you're very, very, very lucky.

At this point, you're ready for that kiss.  You want that kiss.  You've been thinking of nothing but the kiss all night.  Again, be calm.  Try to cosy up to the Death Eater.  Likely they will let you.  Likely.  If they tense up or begin to be irrationally angry, move away.  Try and be as surreptitious about it as possible.  If they've allowed you close enough to touch, you may begin to let them know what you'd like.

Remember that you cannot force anything unto the Death Eater.  He-They must have the illusion that they are in control.  Physically, you should be screaming the indication at them.  Arch your neck a bit - Death Eaters are fond of vulnerabilities, and offering a critical bit of your body will please them.  If you've played this right, the Death Eater will respond to the proximity and act.

Please do not panic!  Death Eaters will bite, though not overly so.  If anyone of you is squeamish about blood, however, I would not advise this exercise.  Right, so he's done a spot of biting and claimed you as their property.  Time to make the move.

Open your mouth, look wanton, and wait.

If all goes according to plan, he should be... that is, they should be pressing their lips to yours.

Again, remain calm.  It will feel a little overwhelming at first.  Death Eaters are renowned for their compelling attitudes regarding sex.  If you're looking for a good bout of snogging without any strings attached, you can't find a better candidate than those creatures.  Please do remember, however, that all this hard work should not be abandoned mid-way on a sudden attack of conscience.  Your Death Eater will be very irritated, and I don't need to remind you of what happens then.

Besides, at this point, you should be nicely overcome with several unholy thoughts to care about what your conscience has to say.  There lies the power of the true Death Eater.  Now listen closely, because we come to the final purpose of this lesson.

Do not, under any circumstance, agree to enlist in You-Know-Who's army just because your Death Eater has the uncanny ability to make you how-- scream.  If you're lucky and wanting to pursue the night's activities, they will take this as a personal challenge and further their seduction.  If you've got all your wits about you and play the game well, you can get away with a good shagging in the process and still leave with your skin relatively intact.

Right, that's it then.  Any questions?

Good.  I see the lesson is making those mental gears turn.

Now if you'll all open chapter 4, we can revise a bit those conversational topics to familiarize yourself with the procedure."

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Harry exited, flushed and excited.  He turned to Hermione with wide eyes.  "That was the best DADA lesson I've ever had.  Say, isn't Potions up next?"

END