WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Hide Behind Time
Series: Sal Si Puedes (II 1/5)
Author: Becca
Email: BeccaSnape@aol.com
Rated: NC-17
Category: Drama/Angst, First Time
Summary: Snape makes a life-shattering decision and must learn to live with the consequences -- and himself.
Disclaimers: All Harry Potter related characters and concepts are copyrighted by JKR and Warner Brothers; this is for non-profit, entertainment purposes only.
Notes:The parts SSP I 1-3 are not here because they're not Snape/Lupin. It is not necessary to read them to understand this part, but if you like, they can be found at "snapeslash" and other groups... My measure of the doses of Veritaserum and how long they last differ from the one Lydie has in her fic "Veritas maximus". But I just couldn't imagine Severus being that truthful for 6 hours (achieved by the smallest dosis in Lydie's story). Not now. But, hey, it's fiction anyway, so never mindÉ Let's consider it AU to Lydie's fic ;-) And I would like to thank everybody for their feedback, it felt great.

Chapter 1 &endash; Hide behind time

I said to Life, "I would hear Death speak."

And Life raised her voice a little higher and said, ã
You hear him now."

Kahlil Gibran

Severus got up from the wooden armchair behind his desk. Papers, books and quills were spread out there as if nothing had happened. He felt his muscles ache for his body had become stiff after hours of motionless sitting. Severus had been thinking. Thinking the same things over and over again. Turning them upside down and back in his brain, scrutinising every turn and return but he had always ended up at the same point.

Walking through the dungeon that was his private office he smoothed his robes and raised his hands to his head, his pale hands shoved his hair out of his face and held it back for a couple of seconds. He stopped in front of his potions cabinet, took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Opening the wooden doors of the cupboard he hesitated, his arms tensing as if they were reluctant to obey and do their work.

Severus cursed. For how long he had abandoned the mere idea of having to face the Dark Lord again he could not remember. His slightly trembling right hand reached behind the bottles and jars, his fingertips touched cold glass. Carefully he pulled out his arm, his fist, still closed. "Like the legs of a spiderÉ" His thoughts accompanied the movement of opening fingers revealing a very small glass phial that contained a crystal clear liquid. "Mine", Severus said. "Won't hand you over", his voice sounded drained of emotions, deep and dead. "Half an hour should do." He carefully measured a small amount of the liquid into a test tube, swallowed it quickly, put a stopper to the phial, locked it away and left the room.

*****

"Come in, Severus."

The door to Dumbledore's office swung open, admitting the Potions Master in.

"Please, have a seat. May I offer you something to drink? A cup of tea perhaps or maybe something stronger?"

Severus sighed. He knew that Albus intended to "lighten the atmosphere", as he would call it. And Severus longed for something to do so, craved a drink.

"No, thank you, Headmaster." He sat down, and, leaning against the back of the chair, tried to relax. He failed miserably.

"Headmaster, I know why you wanted to see me and IÉ"

"Severus. I was very worried when you left the hospital wing yesterday. How did you make it through the night? Did you sleep at all?"

"No, I did not sleep. I fucked Bill Weasley when he came down to my dungeon to fetch some potions."

Dumbledore looked at Severus with the expression of utter bewilderment and didn't say a word, his jaw dropped and he stared at the man sitting opposite him. Severus, on the other hand, remained completely calm.

"It was just what I needed to drown my miserable conscience. He was there. At first I tried to reject him but then I made use of him, of his body. He wanted it as much as I did, Headmaster. There were no obligations and no regrets. It was plain and as I have to admit, really hot. He's a great fuck and I erect even on the memory of it. Look at me, I melt like wax thinking of fucking a former student."

"But Severus, howÉ?"

"Veritaserum. I kept a little amount of it for myself. I made it. I own it. I am truly sorry I lied to you about it but I knew what I was doing. There is something I have to tell you and I was not sure if I could rise the courage to do so without thisÉ truth-forcer."

"What do you have to tell me? Go on." Dumbledore wore a look of worried concern.

"I cannot do it, Headmaster. I will not return to the Death Eaters, I will not face Voldemort again."

"Please explain, Severus."

"It took me years to get over the things that were done to me during my time with the Death Eaters. I never got over the things I did then. I am in no condition to go back. It will break me. It will be my end. I have seen it, Headmaster, I see it every night. I will not go back."

Severus massaged his temples, involuntarily deranging his hair, and pressed his knuckles into his eyeballs until he saw white blazes of light. He felt sick and empty, not sure if the urge to throw up resulted from the potion inside his body.

"I wouldn't be able to ever look at myself in a mirror." Severus let out a harsh laugh. "Not that I am now, though I sometimes force myself. You can't imagine what I did back then. No-one can. It exceeds the fantasy and imagination of mankind."

Severus stopped. He looked straight at Dumbledore but cast his eyes down after a few moments.

"It is beyond my words how sorry I am, Headmaster. I know you rely on my. I know that a lot of people do. It is highly probable that I will never be able to face you again after this conversation. I might kill myself. But I will not go back. I simply can't."

"I understand, Severus."

The headmaster raised from his armchair and walked around the desk. He sunk to his knees in front of Severus and looked him straight in the eyes.

"I understand your reasons and I appreciate your courage to be honest. I know you, Severus. I count you among the most courageous people I know. And I'm also very aware what it cost you to admit yourself. You did enough already and I would love to be able to just let you go. I know that you deserve peace, at least a notion of it. And I will be proud to call you my friend even after this conversation. I wish you needn't go back. But you have to, Severus."

"Why?" Nothing more than a whisper.

"They have got Harry, Severus. I need you to go and find out where they keep him. I need you to safe him."

"But, Albus, IÉ"

"And they've got Remus."

Half an hour had passed.

Chapter 2 &endash; Severus' Choice

"I am become Death, the shatterer of worlds."

A Line from the Bhagavad Gita, quoted by J. Robert Oppenheimer

Severus tranquilly rose from his chair and left Dumbledore's office, only dimly aware of Dumbledore rising as well. The headmaster murmured something after him but Severus paid no attention. He felt like he didn't want to leave, wasn't sure why he should. He imagined a tiny voice inside his head telling him he could as well stay but he paid no attention to this voice either. He would go.

Back in his private quarters he sat down by his desk and waited. Waited for the Dark Mark to hurt and glow, for the Dark Lord, his master, to summon him. The light of a single candle fell on his face, a face turned to stone, casting dancing shadows on the pale skin. Hours passed in complete stillness, not even his eyelids moved. After a while he felt his eyes burn and water and then, after some more time, nothing at all. He had lost track of time. Motionless. Waited. Waited.

When a razorblade of pain touched his left arm he jumped up and let out a sharp breath. The razorblade drew circles on his skin, circles that painted a skull and a snake gliding from its mouth. It cut through the epidermis, the muscles and etched thin lines into the bones. It was time to leave.

Reaching for his wand Severus remembered the meeting when Dumbledore had given him special permission to Apparate and Disapparate inside Hogwarts Castle. To quicken things, as to say. He should be able to follow his masters summons any time and promptly, the headmaster had stated and presented him with the words of the spell to pass Hogwarts' Apparating Defences. "How very useful", Severus thought. He whispered the words and was gone.

*****

"Ah, Severus", the cool voice of Lord Voldemort greeted him before he could even see a thing. Slowly his surroundings came into focus and his eyes immediately registered every detail. Voldemort was there, the Death Eaters with their hoods and cloaks, an open field, some trees &endash; a forest? &endash; far in the background, no buildings, walls, stones.

A good choice of location, Severus mused, there'll be not much for me to report to Dumbledore.

It was dark and the sickle of the mood hung in the starry skies. It was cold. Severus shivered involuntarily as a thin icy wind stroked his face.

"Glad you could comeÉ It's good to see you again among the number of my chosen ones, Professor Snape."

Voldemort approached him quickly. He would never let go of Severus' eyes.

"Well, let us not waste our time with courtesies. I have called you, Severus, for two reasons. I have a É presentÉ for you and I chose to give you one last chance to prove your loyalty. I know that you carried every single word spoken in our meetings, every single item of plans revealed to you to the white-bearded fool and his allies for years. I know that you here for exactly the same reason now. I know that you are here to save a life and a world, Severus. But I know even more, more than you know, as a matter of fact."

Voldemort had finally reached Severus and had taken down his hood. He traced Severus' jaw line with his bony index finger.

"The old man back in his castle, the same old man who assured you of his understandingÉ You are here because of him."

By now he had cupped Severus' face in his skeleton hands and his red snake eyes still forced Severus to not blink.

"You are here because of him, but not the way you assume, Severus. Let me tell you the truth, let me allow you to finally face facts. Let me make you see what you have become."

Voldemort placed a short kiss on Severus' lips. Severus didn't flinch. He knew the game and the one he was playing, he had been playing it long enough. He was not prepared to lose so much as a point.

"You are here, Severus, because the old man put you under the Imperius Curse before you left."

Severus closed his eyes.

"You should pay more attention to people muttering behind your back. Constant vigilance," Voldemort said mockingly. "Did you forget what I taught you?"

Severus' body started to shake.

"The old man didn't trust you enough to let you make your own decision. He made you return to me. He used one of the Unforgivable Curses on you in order to achieve his purposes. And you have an higher esteem of him than of me, you fool!"

The Dark Lord slapped Severus hard in the face, abruptly turned around and signalled one of the hooded figures to come nearer.

Severus stood transfixed. *It's impossible. It's impossible", was all he could think. And he knew all the same that Voldemort was dead right. He felt like he might faint, his vision blurred. Through a whirl of haze he saw some of the Death Eaters walk away and return from the forest, leading three people bound and gagged. He recognised the smallest as Harry Potter, trembling, scared. And the other two, Remus and &endash;

Sirius BlackÉ I didn't know they have him as well. Images of tousled black hair and fast movements flashed in Severus' memory. The smell and taste of sweat. A door creaking. Something else. Yellow eyes. Fangs.

"Well, Severus, here comes your present. Black ran into my trap as well as you did. And here you have him. You once asked him to give you a reason to do it and you swore you would. Here he is now and it's me who is giving you a reason. Do it. Kill him."

Severus swallowed. His thoughts kept spinning in his brain and he still felt light-headed. He cleared his throat.

"Master, may I thank you for your kindness and generosity?"

He felt the other two captives watching him with fear.

"But I don't think it wise for me to kill him now. We could use him. He is Harry's godfather, maybe he can supply us with information on Harry and on why the child survived your É"

"Silence!" Voldemort ordered. "I do not want to hear any of that! Kill him."

He grinned viciously and once again stepped towards Severus. With a sudden grip he reached for Severus cock and started to massage it.

"I know what you did last night with Bill Weasley and I know what you did twenty years ago the night you received my Mark when you were returned to Hogwarts. It was Mr. Black here whom you used then to repress your fears. Should it be possible that you let that intimacy interfere with your loyalty towards your Master? Kill him, I said. You are not here to discuss but to prove."

Harry and Remus both stared at him, Harry with wide eyes, shaken, terrified, a child, Remus with fury and hate. He didn't know which stare was more disturbing.

"I know very well that I will not be able to prove anything," he finally answered, desperately trying to ignore Voldemort's hand. To his utter shock and painful shame he noticed how he grew hard to its touch. "I have been judged already. You know of my past and present and I will certainly not be granted a chance to change your judgement even the slightest bit. Death sentence, isn't it? So why should I still obey or even care to?"

"Oh, I understand." Voldemort pretended to be surprised. "You think I will make you kill Mr. Black by threatening to kill you if you don'tÉ Severus, I am disappointed. I would never do a thing like that. A thing that amateurish." His voice had become a mere hissing whisper. "No, Severus, you should know me better by now. I will make you kill Mr. Black by threatening to kill them if you don't!"

And he drew out his wand and pointed it at Harry and Remus. Severus froze. He was trapped. Voldemort had him. He looked at the two bound bodies. He knew the battle was lost the moment Harry died. This boy was their only chance, their only hope to defeat the Dark Lord. He knew it with dead certainty. They could never risk losing Harry. Damn! He had been sent here to save that child, that hope. His eyes wandered to Remus. Remus was fighting against the bounds and gag, trying to shout at him, desperately trying to avoid what had to happen. He felt Remus' piercing eyes, the hate and the threats. Severus knew he had no choice.

He forced himself to look at Sirius Black, their eyes met. Tousled hair, the smell of sweat. Black looked at Harry and Remus and then back at Severus, took a deep breath and nodded.

Severus raised his wand.

"Avada Kedavra!"

Chapter Three:

"He's no failure. He's not dead yet."

William Lloyd George

Everything seemed to happen at once. A green ray of death shot from Severus' wand and hit Sirius square on the chest. The tall man seemed to fall for eternity, Severus watching him sinking to his knees and finally hitting the ground from the corner of his eyes while turning and screaming "Expelliarmus!" at a surprised //He didn't expect me to really do itÉ// Voldemort. Catching the wand with his left hand he simultaneously cast a spell to free Harry and Remus from their bounds and gags and threw Voldemort's wand to Harry.

"Harry, use it! I know you can! Get a wand, Remus! Now! Harry, shield Remus, he's not armed!" His voice high-pitched over the Death Eaters confused screams.

"Don't think now! Just act! We have no time!"

He yelled "Avada Kedavra" once more, this time directed at the Dark Lord himself, well aware this curse would not kill the enemy but hopefully take him out of the battle for a few minutes. Lucius Malfoy aimed at Severus but was impeded by a screaming body tackling him fiercely. Severus wasn't sure who had saved him because smoke, tears and sweat stung his eyes. Suddenly schemed figures appeared from nowhere, Dumbledore, McGonagall, others. //How the hell did they know where to go?//

A curse hit him, flashes of light, pain, darkness, nothing.

*****

"Why am I not dead, Albus?"

"I don't know, Severus. I don't knowÉ"

*****

It took weeks before he could get up and walk again. For some time they were even worried if he'd lost his sight but it came back after a while. Nobody could tell how and why he had survived the curses inflicted upon him by Voldemort and his followers. There had been rumours, of course, a lot of talk. He never uttered so much as a word about what had happened that night. Nobody ever asked him about it either. It seemed as if people avoided contact with him since the battle in which Voldemort had been finally defeated. Harry had done it, he heard, killed the Dark Lord with his own wand. He didn't care. The lack of questions and conversation filled him with something he vaguely associated with relief. The time he spent at St. Mungo's and later in the hospital wing had been time to think, to remember and to built a new Severus Snape from the ruins "that night" had left of him, both bodily and mentally. While others were in charge of the first, Severus knew he was the only one who could fulfil the second task. After a long and desperate battle he finally decided to take the challenge. There would be nothing left of him when he finished. He saw to that carefully.

On the first day back in his quarters he destroyed his mirror and melted the shattered glass and locked away the remains. Afterwards he sat down at his desk and began to study papers, returning to what he still knew. Hours passed. He was working on the recipe for a new Sleeping Potion when a knock on the door made him raise his head.

"Who's there?" He croaked, his voice husky from disuse.

"It's me, Severus. It's Albus."

"Come in."

The headmaster slowly stepped into the dungeon. He approached the desk where Severus had remained seated and stopped in front of the Potions Master. A gesture of Severus' hand invited him to sit down but he hesitated before he finally did.

"Severus, I need to talk to you." He swallowed, seemingly not able to control the trembling of his voice.

"I think I know by now what happened that night and how. I vouched for you in front of the High Council and you will not be prosecuted. There will be no questions, nobody is going to make you relive that night. I'm here only to apologize to you, Severus. What I did to you is unforgivable, literally, and I'm deeply ashamed I used that curse on you. I should have known you well enough to be sure ofÉ"

"Headmaster, stop it."

"But Severus, let meÉ"

"I'm not interested in explanations, Headmaster. I do not want to know why you thought it necessary to use my feelings to make me go. I certainly do not want to know why you thought it necessary to put me under the Imperius Curse. You have my word on it, I won't tell anyone what you did. We will not be discussing it again. I forgive you. But one thing, Headmaster: Don't ever do that again or I swear I will turn you in."

Severus rose and turned to study the books on the shelf behind his desk.

"Please leave me alone now, I have classes to prepare."

"So you've decided to keep up your teaching position?"

"What else should I do? It doesn't make a difference, it doesn't matter to me anymore, so, yes, I've decided to stay. Good afternoon, Headmaster."

Dumbledore left the room, wearing a very concerned and worried look on his face.

*****

The Fifth Years hastily left the dungeon after their first Potions Class in the new term. Severus turned around to store away the ingredients he had used to demonstrate today's assignment when a sudden noise in the classroom made him freeze. Reaching for his wand he swung around and aimed at the figure in front of him. He didn't fire though.

Harry Potter. Staying behind and cleaning some spilled liquid from his desk.

"Potter, for Merlin's sake, get out of my back!" Severus hissed, his nervousness clearly showing on his face. "I don't know what you're up to but never try that again, sneaking up on me behind my backÉ"

"I wasn't sneaking, Professor." His voice sounded tired, shadows were painted under his eyes. "I just wanted to talk to you in private, please."

"There is nothing private between us, Potter. I'd appreciate it if you went to Transfiguration with your classmates. Now."

"Professor, we have to talk about the other night. What you did, what happened to my godfather and whyÉ"

"I am not discussing that matter. And definitely not with you. I told you to leave. I have been patient with you. But now I ask you, Potter, to never address me again, not in this matter nor in any other. There is nothing more to say."

Severus closed his Potions Cabinet and left the dungeon, leaving a very distressed Harry behind.

*****

When he reached his private quarters he noticed somebody waiting there, a man in faded robes was leaning against the wall next to his door. Remus Lupin. Severus recognized the werewolf immediately even though his face was turned the other direction. He hesitated, but just for the blink of an eyelid, then he hurried towards his rooms and muttered his password to unlock the door.

"Lupin. You. Just what I needed. First Dumbledore, then Potter and now you." He planned to get rid of Lupin as fast as possible.

"Yes, Lupin, I did kill Sirius Black, in case you're going to tell me you still cannot believe what you witnessed. Yes, I did it in order to save Harry. And yes, I did it in order to save you. I am well aware that you hate me. Before and even more after my killing Sirius. You will never forgive me and I don't care. There is nothing left I care about. You may insult me, curse me, punish me as you like, I don't mind. So, you could as well save the time."

They stared at each other for endless seconds, then Lupin broke their eyes' contact and left Severus' dungeon.

Severus' knees buckled and he collapsed the moment the door shut behind the werewolf. He was certain he would never see Remus Lupin again. And he did mind that. More than he was able to admit and more than he could bear.

Chapter 4 &endash; Eumenides

For life in the present there is no death.
Death is not an event in life.
It is not a fact in the world.

Wittgenstein

Severus watched the first-years streaming into the Great Hall. Sorting Ceremony was about to start and the tiny faces were filled with a bit of fear and a lot of expectation. His hands lay on the table in front of him, one to the left, one to the right of his plate. They looked pale, bony and somehow not connected to the body whose eyes perceived them. Mobilising an immense force of will he made the right hand move and push a strand of his dark grey hair out of his face. His colleagues had long given up to gossip about him and a night more than fifteen years ago. Most of them had stopped to care or worry about his condition as well. During the years his taciturnity had extended from private things to almost all things, the words he had to use to teach his classes had become less and less, the instructions and reprimands he threw at the students shorter and harsher. "An embittered man" or "a man of ice" were the most common descriptions, depending on for how long the person uttering it had known Severus Snape. He didn't mind the indifference he was confronted with. He didn't mind much at all.

The Sorting began, uneventful as ever. The Hat sometimes screamed out the House Name at once, sometimes it took some time to think before it announced its decision. To Severus it felt the same.

"Norton, Paul." - Ravenclaw. "Owens, Catherine." - Gryffindor. "Parkinson, Peter." - Slytherin. "Potter, James..."

//Potter? James?//

- Gryffindor.

//*Potter, James?*// Severus felt adrenaline rush through his veins, his muscles tensed the same second he raised his head and caught the first glimpse of "Potter, James". There could be no doubt about it, "Potter, James" had to be Harry's son. He rose abruptly, pushed back his chair and fled from the Great Hall.

*****

"Who was that?" James asked his older fellow Gryffindors, slightly bewildered. "And why did he stare at me like that?"

"Oh, that's just Snape," Carrie Weasley answered. "Never mind him, he just does funny things at times..."

"Hm-hm...". James' reply came slowly, he had turned almost as white as Severus.

*****

The first lesson he had to teach the First Year Gryffindors and Slytherins turned out to be a total disaster. Severus was edgy from the very beginning of the lesson, and when he read out the class list and came to Potter's name, his thoughts temporarily blacked out.

//This is impossible, this is absolutely impossible... Whose plan is this? I must have gone mad, there is no other explanation for this. Or blind. But my eyes should be all right - so it has to be true. But it is impossible...// He kept staring at the paper in his trembling hands, read again and again what was written before him until he was able to clear his throat and call up "Potter, James..." in a forced firm voice.

The course of the lesson proved one thing for sure. The Potter boy was a natural with Potions. He was brilliant, quick and creative as well as eager and curious. Severus couldn't remember another student as gifted as "Potter, James", this boy was nearly as good as Severus himself had been when he had started at Hogwarts ages ago.

After Severus had given them their homework and dismissed the class, a small voice in his back made him flinch.

"Professor Snape, Sir?" Harry Potter's son stood in the middle of the dungeon and tried to avoid Severus' eyes. "Could you... Could I... I mean, I'd like to talk to you, could I? Sir?"

"What the hell is your father playing at? What do you want from me? How dare you come here with that... that name?" Severus hissed at James. His eyes glowed with fury and fear.

"That's why I wanted to talk to you, Professor. My father said I would have to explain it to you. He knew you wouldn't understand. But he wants you to. That's why I'm here. Please, let me explain. Don't send me away." He paused. "Like you sent him away."

Severus was too distressed to answer. He just stared at the boy with the black hair and the green eyes. "You know...?" He finally managed to ask.

"My father told me everything before I left for Hogwarts. He asked me to go looking for you and to explain to you as soon as I could." He sat down in his chair and drew a deep breath. "He told me you would probably be mad at me the second you saw my name and he was right. He asked me to apologise to you on his behalf for the shock you might receive. He wants me to explain-"

"Shock?!" Severus interrupted harshly. "Who is talking about me being shocked? Does your father still think it funny to mock me, to try and make a fool of me?" His face contorted as he approached the boy. "Hasn't he had enough of that? What is he playing at, sending his son here? His son with this absolutely ridiculous name?"

"Please, Professor." Severus could make out exactly how frightened and intimidated James was. "Please, let me explain. It will only take a minute." When Severus said nothing he continued carefully.

"I was named after the two men who were most important to my father and who died... because of Voldemort."

//So he, like his father, dares to speak that name. Like father, like son...//

"James Sirius."

Severus pressed his eyelids together and let out a low sigh.

"And after the man who saved my father's life not only that night but countless times before and after, who allowed him to live - you."

"It's impossible", Severus whispered.

"No, Professor, it's not. My name is James Sirius Severus."

*****

Back in his quarters he tried to remember how he got there but failed. He somehow must have got past the Potter boy, must have hurried along the dungeon's corridor, must have yelled the password at his door from a distance, thereby involuntarily revealing it to everybody who might have been around, must have slammed the door shut behind him- but he couldn't remember.

His hands shook violently as he poured himself a glass of Scotch. Tossing back his head he drained it in one go, then he lit a fire and returned to waiting once more. He knew what was going to happen, he was certain about it but couldn't explain why. He only knew it was only a matter of time before he would hear a knock on his door. When he finally did hear it the sound penetrated every fibre of his body. He didn't have to ask who was there for he knew who was and for he could sense the presence of his visitor painfully.

"Come in, Lupin."

*****

//Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods. It's him him him...//

More than fifteen years had passed since their last encounter and the silence between them hadn't ceased. As if they never left this room they stared into each other's eyes for a very long time before Severus turned around and hid his face from Remus' view.

"Severus."

Remus walked up to him and placed his right hand on Severus' shoulder. "You've already met him?" Severus nodded. "You know then-" Severus nodded again.

"But why?"

"Didn't he explain to you why?"

"He tried toÉ" Severus still wouldn't turn around and face Remus. "But I don't understand. What is the blasted boy up to, for Merlin's sake?"

"Which boy, Severus?" Remus voice was calm and patient as if he was talking to a child.

"Well, Harry, of course!" Anger flamed up in him and he was not capable of suppressing it.

"You can hardly call him a boy now, Severus. He must beÉ well, somewhere in his thirties. He has grown up. He has a son and a little daughter and-"

"What's she called? Lily Minerva?" Severus hissed scornfully.

"Severus, please! The last time I met him he told me about what he thought was going to happen when his James came to Hogwarts. That's why I'm here."

"I know. I knew you would come." He finally turned around. //So many years have passed and he still looksÉ// He forced himself not to finish this thought. //There is nothing, absolutely nothing about this man that can touch you.//

"I had to, I knew you wouldn't understand. But it's so simple, Severus."

"There's nothing simple about it, Lupin. Why did he have to name his son like this?" He cursed himself for his voice shaking and he not being able to control it.

"Harry has forgiven you, Severus. He forgave you years ago but you wouldn't listen to him. He knows and always knew you had no choice. And more. He knows you saved his life. He has forgiven you. And he wanted to let you knowÉ" Remus let go of Severus' shoulder and took a step backwards. "It's time for you to do the same. Forgive yourself."

Severus abruptly whirled around and rushed for his glass. He poured himself another drink and swallowed it greedily, then he sat down behind his desk.

"How can I? I destroyed the life of the one person most important to me in my life." He rested his head in his hand.

Remus went rigid. "You loved Sirius?" He paused. "Well, I could have guessed from what I saw when I walked in on you that one time back thenÉ" His words came out slowly. "But I thought it was just aÉ just something unimportant. But you did love him, then."

"No." Severus muttered under his breath. "No. I didn't love him. You did. And I killed the man you loved. How can I forgive myself doing that? How can I ever-"

"What!?!"

"You loved him and I killed him. That's it. End of story."

"Severus, what are you talking about? You said you destroyed the life of the person most important to you but you tell me now you didn't love him? So what-"

Severus gave a short, desperate laugh. "It is you I'm talking about. You. It's your life I made unbearable when I used the Unforgivable Curse that night. YOU! YOU! YOU!" Severus' shields began to shatter. He looked at Remus, his eyes deep and dead. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he didn't even make an attempt to stop them. "I cannot forgive myself what I did. I cannot even forget it! I relive it every night, every single night and am never, not one damned time, able to change it. I'm so tired of it, I'm so tiredÉ" //Stop it now, don't tell him all this, why don't you just stop?// "I did my best, and that's a lot, I can assure you, to keep people away from me. I at least want my days free of that night. And now you come and take all I've worked on for all these years! Why the fuck couldn't you stay away from me?"

Remus walked over to the fireplace like in slow motion and sank into one of the armchairs. He stared into the fire for some minutes before he spoke again. "Severus, are you telling me that you loved me?"

A sigh came from Severus' lips. "Yes. I don't know why I'm doing it and I swore I never would but: yes."

"But that can't be true... I always thought that you, after you found out what I am the night in the Shrieking Shack-"

"Do you think I'm completely stupid, Lupin?" Severus interrupted. "I knew what you are long before that night! Do you honestly think a little girl like Hermione Granger can figure you out in just one year and I couldn't in five? Of course I knew!" He rubbed his eyes. //never mind never mind never mind// "I went to the Shrieking Shack see you, to be with you. I somehow hoped that seeing you as a wolf would drive my feelings and my desire for you out of my head. I thought: Maybe you get bitten. Or killed. I thought I was able to end it. Anyhow. But I wasn't..." Trembling fingers pushed back sweaty hair and held it in the neck. "I so wanted it to end. I always knew you love Sirius. I knew my only chance was to avoid you, avoid the very sight of you or I would go insane. And here you are. It's already working. I'm making a complete fool of myself and do things I haven't done for centuries. I talk. I cry. I look at you. Great. Just great." He stood up and walked over to the fireplace where he leaned against the mantelpiece. The fire drew deep lines on his face and made the tear-traces on his pale cheeks glitter.

"But... but we never talked to each other at school. You hated me, everybody knew that. I don't remember ten words we exchanged. We never really talked afterwards. You hate me still. You never talked to me, Severus. I don't understand... I thought you and Sirius... I walked in on you once, remember?! I saw you together!"

"Oh gods, I'm sorry." Severus inhaled deeply. The air streaming out of his lungs again was accompanied by a movement of sinking. His body slid down the wall. "Oh gods, oh gods, I'm so sorry. Believe me, please. I didn't want to... I never... I..." His breath came ragged. "I never wanted... I can't keep from thinking I could... I had no choice, please! I would never have been able to... to lose you... never... Can't see you die... I didn't want to..." Severus buried his face in his hands and bent over. "Please believe me, Remus. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... Please, Remus."

"I don't know what to say." Remus moved over to that sobbing heap on the floor that was Severus Snape. He kneeled down next to him and rested his hands on his legs. "Severus, Sirius was my best friend. I miss him terribly, it hurts so much not to have him in my life anymore. I tried to blame you for killing him and I even felt some kind of hate when I saw you rising your wand that night. But then I saw him nodding. He knew, Severus. He knew what had to happen and it was his choice, too. Not only yours. I tried to get back to that little bitÉ that moment of hate afterwards but I never reached there. My best friend is dead and I miss him. But I never loved him. Not the way you think."

Severus looked up. His eyes were red and swollen, he felt exhausted. "RemusÉ I'm so sorryÉ"

"I know. I am sorry, too." Remus bent towards Severus and gathered him in his arms. "But I was never able to blame you for his death. I never could." And he kissed Severus on his lips. It was a tender kiss at first but then Severus pulled him into a tight embrace and yielded to Remus touch and kiss.

His lips opened and their tongues met. It felt like a bolt of lightning flashing through Severus' body. He closed his eyes and let his tongue explore Remus' mouth, let it glide over Remus' teeth, let it engage in a lustful fight with Remus' tongue. He moaned softly.

Remus suddenly broke the kiss and drew back a little. Both men panted. They stared into each other's eyes again.

"Severus." Remus' finger traced the tears that were still //again?// running down Severus' face. "You are so beautiful. Do you know how beautiful you are?" He traced the lines on Severus' face and his lips. "I'm not sure this is a good idea. You are so confused, IÉ can you bear it?"

"Remus, yes, I can. I want to. IÉ I've wanted to for all my life. I don't even care why you're doing it. I don't care if it's pity or just you being the noble Gryffindor or whyeverÉ I don't care if you don't love meÉ I want to. I love you. Still." And he hid his face behind his hands again. Or at least he tried to. Remus pulled that shield away and whispered: "Everything is going to be all right, Severus. Try to relaxÉ" Their lips met again and the kiss soon became more forceful. Needy. Desperate. Hungry. Demanding. Claiming.

They began to stroke each other through their clothing. Severus started to undo the fastenings of Remus' robes, never breaking the kiss.

"Maybe we should move this to somewhere more convenientÉ" Remus' voice sounded hoarse and exposed his lust and desire. They got up and headed for the bedroom.

Chapter 5 &endash; Eros kai Thanatos

What is it to die but to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?

Kahlil Gibran

They didn't get very far, though. Halfway across the room Severus stopped and turned around. Remus, who had been walking a few steps behind him, felt himself caught in Severus' arms. Before he could utter a word of astonishment let alone protest, Severus claimed his mouth with a rough kiss. His tongue invaded Remus' mouth fiercely, one hand forced Remus' head to stay in place, the other wandered down to Remus' spine just above his buttocks and pushed their bodies even closer together. Remus felt a knee breaking its way between his legs as Severus used his tongue and teeth deliberately on Remus' mouth and lips. Their erections touched through layers and layers of cloth, a passionate growl escaped Severus occupied mouth and its vibrations went through their bodies like waves. Remus fought for air and when he finally managed to struggle himself free he drew a deep breath, greedily drinking the oxygen his lungs lacked. He felt as if he had taken a long dive in the lake, unprepared. It left him light-headed and he clung to Severus to steady himself. Severus, whose fingers had returned to working on Remus' robes. Severus, whose ragged breath touched his skin, his cheeks, his neck, his mouth. Severus, who suddenly established eye contact and made Remus shiver.

"Not a second longer. No more waste of time. I don't want to wait a second longer. NowÉ Here... Here and now." Low, silky muttering under their breath. Determined. And definitely arousing.

Remus' legs felt weak, he leaned into Severus' touch and both men sank to their knees.

*****

Severus fell to his knees and pulled Remus with him. //Slowly slowly take your time// He was intoxicated by the smell and the taste of the body he was about to claim as his. His thoughts went haywire //consciously stay alert don't rush don't//, his body seemed to act to another's will. //they're your moans they're his it's your breath// Hands tore at robes, ripped them of their bodies impatiently, tossed them aside once the fastenings and buttons were undone. Hands glided over smooth skin, scars, skin //skin skin skin//, traced lines, entangled in hair, chest, scars, skin. Hands read the history of a body. Eyes were closed, but remained so just for seconds //don't waste the possibility of sight don't miss it don't//.

Severus lowered his head and started to kiss Remus' neck, his throat, his upper chest. He used his arms //they're mine I can use them as I please they're warm they're burning I'm touching his skin stay alert// to support Remus' body as he made him lie down on the floor. Kneeling down beside him and bending over this //desirable desirable seductive marvellous// body he let his tongue draw a wet line from the hole of Remus' throat down his chest to one of his erect nipples //the left start with the left its dark and hard and start with the left//. Remus flinched and let out a small cry. Severus' tongue circled it slowly //slowly dark and hard hard//, he could feel its shape on the upper side of his tongue as he allowed it to finally lick it //slowly carefully stay alert left andÉ hard and dark//, the microscopic topography of its skin was a thousand times magnified by the reading skills of Severus' tongue. A sharp cry //not so small this time and hard and dark and alert// came from his lover's mouth as he pinched the nipple with his teeth. He took his time //take your time stay alert// teasing it and the other one //now the right and dark and//, drowning the two of them and the two of them in moments of intense pleasure.

Now it's time for a hand to move downwards //downwards you go// and play with curly hair //not so smooth wiry//, to let this hair tingle fingertips. It's definitely time for that hand to close around Remus' erection, to feel the blood pulsing, to feel the heat inside. Time to once again draw in the odour of that body. And perhaps time to let the other hand quickly touch the other erection taking part in this game //stay alert take your time don't rush//.

Severus felt how Remus pulled his hand from his cock and to his mouth. Remus began to lick his fingers playfully, one after the other, playfully and skilfully. He parted Remus' legs and rested his left knee between them. His arousal grew to an unthinkable state as he watched his lover take care of his fingers. Remus tongue slid along the sides of his index finger before he took it completely into his wet, hot mouth. Severus thought he might come //don't rush take your time not now not yet// just watching this preparation. For that's what it was and they both knew it.

His second knee went between Remus' legs. He bent down to kiss his lover's mouth once more and didn't bother to withdraw his hand from it. Both tongues caressed his fingers and each other in between. He didn't remove his other hand from where it was, either. His fingertips tasted something wet and read the signs. It was time to move on.

Now he took his hand from Remus' mouth and straightened his upper body so he could face his lover and look into his eyes. He made sure Remus watched him licking his own fingers teasingly and covering them thoroughly with his saliva. It had it's effect: Remus moaned and arched upwards.

Severus let go of Remus twitching member and reached for his hand. He then let his prepared hand slide between Remus' legs and //don't rush stay don't rush consciously wait wait wait// carefully touched his anus. Using the saliva coating on his fingers he caressed the opening for a moment before he slowly //slowly slowly not a second longer// inserted his index finger.

Remus growled //not so small anymore slowly wait wait// and thrust his hips. A second finger followed //take your time// and a third //take your time wait take your take take take//. Severus had begun to stretch Remus and he felt how his lover's muscles relaxed and then tensed again and relaxed and tensed. //wait wait wait//

//not a second longerÉ// He withdrew his fingers and left Remus twitching and panting with ache and frustration. //no more of that take your take it consciously stay alert hard hard now and here// Although his cock had freely supplied him with lubricant Severus licked his fingers once again and coated them with the liquid from his mouth that still contained the taste of Remus. Then he covered his now painfully throbbing cock with it, giving it some tender strokes which he quickly decided not to continue for a good reason.

Both men cried out when Severus entered Remus in one forceful movement. Remus grabbed hold of Severus' upper arms and left marks of his fingers and nails where the grip locked. His hips bucked under Severus' administrations and desperate moans forced their way through his throat. Severus fought hard not to scream biting his lips and tongue and the inside of his mouth. He lost in the end. As he felt his climax build he threw back his head and screamed. He screamed. And screamed.

His voice mixed with Remus' and his ears stung with rushing blood and the sound of their voices and the power of his orgasm finally overtook him. He felt himself exploding into his lover's body and a shot of hot semen hitting his chest. It seemed to last for an eternal time.

Completely spent he collapsed on Remus and tried to catch his breath. He tried to return to reality and failed. For now there was just one thought left to him. If he died now he might have a good chance to die as a happy man.