WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: You Must Remember This I: Everything Changes But You
Author: Mathilda
Email: missmathildamay@yahoo.co.uk
Website: www.geocities.com/missmathildamay
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Why can't I be more original?
Warnings: I don't like to warn people, it spoils things, but if you feel any discomfort stop reading immediately and consult a vicar.
Dedication: To everyone who's ever done what they were asked. Especially the adorable Hazelnut and Dovie who I asked to Beta this fic and were perfect. Betas from heaven.
Summary: Snape/Lupin. Snape POV.
Auteur notes: This story is a sequel, or more formally part of a serial - my take on the Lupin/Black/Snape dynamic. In simple terms this is sequel to "Far too good at being bad". In more detail the serial currently runs: 'Time of the month'; 'Far too good at being bad'; 'Rock and a hard place'; 'Bang'; 'Crash' (WIP); 'You must remember this I: Everything change but you'; 'You must remember this II'. To catch up: http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=130735

This is a story about a man who lives and works in a castle dungeon.

This is a story about a man who chose good over evil, when he wasn't even sure what *good* and *evil* were.

This is a story about a man who knew how to follow orders, but didn't know how to follow his heart.

This is a love story.

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It had been a simple enough matter for Severus Snape to get him like this in the first place. To cast the spell on him when he came down to the office to collect his potion.

So simple.

Too simple, even: No chasing, no fight, this time, well, things really had changed, hadn't they? Remus Lupin had walked into this of his own free will.

Snape swallowed and reminded himself, yet again, that despite Lupin's innocent trust he, Lupin, was the bad guy here.

That had been decided.

And things, as already stated, had changed.

The next step was to get Lupin from the floor of the office into the hard backed chair in the middle of the room. At first Snape had rejected the obvious spell because he had wanted to lift him bodily. He had wanted to feel his victims weight in his arms.

Snape was not strong, but Lupin looked slight and fey, ~light as a feather,~ as he lay there.

~So still and innocent. No, not innocent. Not innocent at all.~

Things: changed.

But Lupin had proved much heavier than he looked, slipping from Snape's arms before he had even hoisted him into a sitting position. He'd landed back on the floor hard enough to weaken the spell and given a soft moan of pain. Snape cursed and spelled him into the chair instead.

Not a good start.

But, no matter now, on to ropes.

Lucius Malfoy had produced the original spelled ropes that had held Lupin and Black down before &endash; so very many years before - and he had a particular style. Snape tried several combinations before he found a pattern that jogged that long repressed memory of Lupin tied to a similar chair in his quarters back in deepest, darkest Death Eater land.

Almost there. But something was missing.

Ah yes, the blood, the bruises. Hadn't Malfoy been slapping him, well both of them, about for a couple of hours before he'd even arrived on the scene? Well, Snape thought, Malfoy isn't here now is he?

~It's all down to me.~

The first well aimed clip round the face caused a red mark, though no blood, and a moan from the now half conscious victim. The second, though &endash; harder this time &endash; broke the skin and the spell completely, waking Lupin with a start.

Lupin's eyes darted from side to side, not seeming to take in his surroundings or predicament for a moment or two, then they lighted on Snape and fixed there. Staring for a moment, completely still. Face, unreadable.

Then, he unfroze suddenly, and started struggling a little, pulling and twisting at the ropes, not much of an effort, really. He didn't seem to test them to their limit. And he kept his eyes locked on Snape's the whole time.

Snape held the gaze for moment, then let his eyes drift over his struggling victim to the far too prominent cheekbone and the blood that was blossoming there. It wasn't in quite the same place as before, but it looked just as pretty. And then, in a precious instant, he was aware of nothing but that blood. And he felt alive in this perfect moment. That was treasured memory made flesh once more; a moment past, thought lost forever, here, recaptured perfectly.

~Recaptured.~ Snape allowed himself a slight smile at the sweet appropriateness of that word.

~Recaptured~

~Remus: Recaptured.~

"You haven't changed a bit, werewolf."

He was surprised to find he had said that out loud and horrified to find his voice was breathy and soft and that wasn't right. He'd have to sort that out.

"Oh yes I have," Lupin said, through gritted teeth. But that wasn't what Snape heard him say. To Snape's ears his pride and bravery said only one thing: "Break me."

And that was all it took. And Snape slipped into role like putting on a favourite pair of shoes.

With a slight cough, he snapped his gaze away from the pretty, pretty blood. "I expect you're wondering why I've had you brought here." Snape said, beginning to walk around the chair, making Lupin strain in his bonds, craning to try and keep eye contact as Snape slipped out of sight behind him.

"Well, yes, actually I was rather." Again, a very different voice to before. Icy.

"You know, tonight a party from the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures are coming to put down one of Hagrid's animals." Snape was blithe, chatty even, and yet the threat never left his voice. "I should tell them you're here. Kill two birds with one stone. After all trials, Azkaban, that's for humans, isn't it werewolf?"

"T-trials? What are you talking about? Why would IÉ..?"

And Snape detected an exceedingly gratifying note of rising panic. He halted, behind Lupin and leaned in over his shoulder, suddenly far too close. His mouth less than an inch from the other's ear. "We've had enough Lupin, we know it's you."

"What? You know who's me? We? Who's we?"

Snape pushed his face even closer so his lips were brushing the ear. "Professor Dumbledore and I have had enough Lupin." Just a whisper. "We know. You were always a suspect. The only suspect really. Albus asked me to dust off some of my old skills. Get the truth out of you. Of course I suggested a veritaserum in your Wolfsbane." He waved briefly towards a steaming goblet waiting on a small side table. "But Albus has a fondness for the classics and, I must admit, so do I."

"Professor Dumbledore sanctionedÉ.?" Lupin twisted his head and stared at Snape, their faces a finger span apart, a look of absolute horror on his face.

Snape smiled inwardly.

~ Thought that'd take the wind out of your sails, my darling werewolf.~

And somewhere deep, deep inside him the Death Eater he once was ticked off: number one - destroy any hope they have of salvation by letting them think everyone they believed cared about them has in fact turned their backs.

"Why yes, why do you think he keeps me here Lupin, to make the place look pretty?"

"But I-I thought you'd changed sides." A slight tremor had entered his voice, though he was fighting to control it.

"I did. Thing is, I wasn't the only one was I?"

The amber eyes that bore into Snape's were suddenly alight with rage. "What?" Lupin said in the thinnest bitterest voice, "What exactly are you trying to say?"

Snape could feel the warm breath on his face.

~Oh, yes, haven't we changed, Professor Werewolf? Or perhaps we just think we have? Still proud, but I bet you're half hard already.~

"You know very well what I'm trying to say. I changed sides. And so did your boyfriend." A single heartbeat's pause. "And so did you, werewolf."

"That's not true Severus, Professor Dumbledore..."

Snape clapped his hand over Lupin's mouth and smiled at his suddenly silenced captive.

"Professor Dumbledore, I'm pleased to say, has seen the error of his waysÉ. Now, this isn't quite right is it? For a start you're talking far too much." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gag, not exactly the same as the ones Malfoy had used on his pair of captives, but similar, close enough.

He dangled the implement in front of Lupin's face, letting it swing back and forth, almost as if he were using it to hypnotise him.

And the oscillating object had certainly garnered Lupin's full undivided attention.

"Do you remember," he said, in time with the back and forth swing, "what Malfoy used to do, with the gag before he put it on a prisoner he found particularly interesting?" Removing his hand so Lupin could reply.

"He did that to Sirius, not me."

"Yes, but Sirius, Black, isn't here. And Malfoy isn't here. It's just you and me this time. And I asked if you remembered."

"Yes, I remember."

~Don't play fucking games.~ "Then tell me, werewolf, what did he do."

Lupin raised his eyebrows. "He put his hand down the front of his trousers, his own trousers, and scooped out some precome with his fingers, which he smeared all over the gag before he put it into Sirius's mouth. Okay. That is what he did. Is that what you're doing Snape, stealing tricks from Lucius Malfoy?" Lupin made the entire mini speech without emotion and then turned his head, finally looking away from the dangling gag to face forward.

~Oh you think you've won that one do you werewolf, with your clever little dispassionate answer? Well, we shall see.~

"You're right of course," said Snape in a softer, silkier tone, pushing his mouth up close to Lupin's ear. "We'll leave that sort of crass party trick to the likes of Malfoy and Black." Another pause and a slide into an even softer, darker voice. "I will fuck you tonight, werewolf. Whether you tell me what you know or not. That makes no difference, merely decides if it will be a reward or a punishment: I will fuck you, that's a promise. And you will wear this for me while I do it."

Lupin let out a tiny gasp, that Snape took for arousal although he knew it could have been many things, and he used that moment to push the rubber ball into the slightly open mouth, muffling the angry response to the sudden invasion, and buckled it tight, too tight, just as it had been.

The gag in place Snape straightened, walking around to stand in front of Lupin. He stared for a moment or two, just watching Lupin's eyes. "Now that," he said eventually, swallowing his arousal as he spoke, "is just about perfect."

Snape reached out and traced his thumb around the edge of the rubber ball, pushing the wetness that leaked helplessly from Lupin's invaded mouth around lasciviously.

"The main difference, between then and now, as I see it," he said matter of factly as he finished toying with Lupin's mouth and began instead to prod delicately at the wound on his cheekbone, making Lupin hiss with pain and writhe around trying to get away from his touch. "Isn't that I'm now quite clearly on the side of good and that you are the one under suspicion. Or that your boyfriend turned out to be a rather nasty piece of work. It's the fact that I now know what this sort of treatment does to you, werewolf. I know this makes you very hard indeed, you nasty filthy little slut."

And he pulled his hand away from the now reopened, wound and bent down a little to cup Lupin's cock. "Ah yes," said Snape, as he massaged gently, "very hard indeed."

Lupin cried out something, into the gag, in response, which Snape diligently ignored.

He crouched down in front of Lupin and looked up at him, toying gently with his helpless erection the whole time. "That was the attraction, was it? I expect you found it all rather exciting, knowing you. The bad boy boyfriend. He treated us all so badly, didn't he? He tried to kill me. He managed to kill most of his friends. He sucked the Dark Lord's cock and you sucked his. You played whore boy to the devil's own whore boy. Was that a big kick for you? A turn on? Hmmm?"

Snape reached up, with his free hand, onto the desk behind him and picked up a glass of water, which satthere. He took a long sip before continuing.

"Your lovely butch bad boy boyfriend - on a stupid fucking flying motorcycle. Is that why you'rt letting him into the castle, werewolf? Is that why you're going along with his plans? Potter can go hang as longas you're getting your disgusting proclivities fulfilled by the Black prince of fucking darkness. Is that what you're doing?"

And Snape pulled his hand away from Lupin's crotch and stood up sharply: "Is it?"

"I quite understand, you know. He's very, very attractive. And you're very, very weak. You little fool. You should have come to me. I'd have given you what you needed, you only had to ask."

And Snape leaned forward threw rest of the contents of the glass into Lupin's face; the shock making him gasp and quiver into the gag.

Snape's voice dropped to a whisper, a sub-whisper, but it was no less threatening and every word, in that perfect silk smooth diction, was clear as day. "You expect me to believe that Sirius Black switched sides and didn't take you with him. I'm no fool Lupin and nor is Albus. Wasn't this always the plan? If he got caught, you'd feign a mental breakdown until, well, until he could break out. What's the next part of the plot, you kill Potter together and set off to find the Dark Lord?" One eyebrow cocked before he continued. "And you thought we wouldn't see through that. It's pathetic."

And Lupin's damp head dropped onto his chest. Contrition? Humiliation? Fatigue? Snape wasn't sure, but any of them he considered a triumph.

The prisoner was broken.

Some skills you never lose, it was as simple as that.

~Just like riding a broomstick.~

Snape stood straight, taking a step closer, and looked down at his captive. He used a hand to raise the humbled chin, forcing Lupin to look him in the eyes again.

His hair and his face were dripping wet, water was running down his cheeks, on one side mixing with his blood and so the fluid that dripped off his chin into his lap was the palest, prettiest pink, and the spark of defiance in his eyes was gone.

And then, again, Snape reached out to trail his thumb around the edge of the gag. Lupin's chest was heaving as breathing was becoming more and more of a struggle.

"As I look at you like this, werewolf: tied down, silenced, bleeding and wet, something strikes me as interesting. Although I have always wanted you, with every bone in my body, and with one bone in particular, and I have never desired you as much as I do right now, yet I truly cannot help thinking about how much more beautiful you would look in more pain. A lot more."

Lupin moaned; definite frustration.

Snape let his hand drift from Lupin's chin. He stroked softly up his left cheek and pushed his long fingers into the dripping sandy hair, twisting and twirling strands around his digits, pulling and tugging harder and harder until with a sudden harshness he yanked, jerking Lupin's head right back and exposing his throat, causing a muffled yelp of pain.

"Just as I thought," said Snape slowly, "I could almost come right now, just from the look on your face when I hurt you."

Snape inched forward, keeping his tight his grip in Lupin's hair, but easing the tension a little so that Lupin could lower his head to it's normal position, as he straddled Lupin's lap. "Would you like me to make you come werewolf? Right now? Whilst I'm hurting you?" He lowered himself gently, grinding his cock firmly against the hardness of Lupin's straining erection.

Lupin let out a soft sigh into the gag.

"Was that a yes?" Snape rubbed himself against Lupin's crotch again. He smiled down at the helpless face of his victim. This was so right, so perfect. This was how it should have gone before. That fucker Black out of the way. He wanted this all his life and now it was here, right here and he was in the right.

Leaning forward he licked around the outside edge of the gag, sliding his tongue backwards and forwards across the spot where rubber turned into flesh and back again, and beneath him Lupin moaned with frustrated arousal, bucking his hips up against Snape's again and again.

When Snape had had enough of feeling rubber where he wanted a hot wet open mouth to be, he reached round with his free hand to flick open the buckle on the gag. It fell away into Lupin's lap, glistening.

Slowly Lupin stretched his jaw then said raggedly: "In answer to your question: yes, it was a yes. Please, make me come."

"Really, that's interesting because I have no intention of giving you release. Not when you are far more fun frustrated and helpless and hard, like this. I like you hard. You're even harder than me. I'd really forgotten how much I used to enjoy this."

And then he kissed him.

Lupin's mouth dropped open and Snape's tongue slid languidly inside. It almost felt to him, in that moment, like a soft, exploratory kiss between new lovers, not one between old adversaries, both of ambiguous allegiances, one of whom was tied down.

He let the kiss go on and on delighting in how the warm wetness of Lupin's pliant mouth echoed quite distinctly the warm wetness promised by his erection, which continued to thrust up against Snape's own hard cock. Sliding a hand between his own chest and Lupin's, Snape found the tight bud of one of Lupin's erect nipples. He twisted it viciously through the cloth of the robe. Pulling back from the kiss a little, he breathed into Lupin's still open needy mouth. "You think you've been hardened by everything that's happened in the last 13 years. Well," Another twist, harder this time. "That's really nothing compared to me."

Suddenly Snape stood up, wrenching himself free of the warmth of their two compressed bodies and the hot sweetness of their two compressed erections. He let go of Lupin's hair and his head dropped back onto his chest. Snape stepped back. With a little distance now he saw what he had reduced his victim to: A sodden, heaving bundle tied to a chair, ridden with frustrated arousal. He was so beautiful with his head bowed. Hypnotic.

And he couldn't look away.

And Snape fell.

So, there was a pause, a rather long pause, whilst Snape simply stared at the top of Lupin's head. Lupin slowly regaining composure, while Snape found himselffalling deeper and deeper into a bottomless pit of his aching desire.

"What do you want, Snape?" Lupin asked the question slowly, quietly, without raising his head.

"What do I want? I want the truth, no, no I don't, I know the truth."

Lupin spoke again, still staring at his lap. "Yes, it seems you think you do. This is hardly an interrogation Snape. You seem to believe you know it all, what more can I tell you?"

"Nothing."

"So what do you want?" An edge of frustration leaked into Lupin's voice. A very different kind of frustration.

"You."

"Well take me. I can't stop you. I'm yours."

"I don't want to take you, Lupin." Snape closed the distance between them in a quick moment. "I want you to give yourself to me. I want to release you from these ropes and have you take yourself over to my bed and lie yourself down and offer yourself to me."

Snape swallowed.

"And say that you love me."

Lupin's head snapped upright. "What? What did you say?"

And Snape saw no reason to turn back, even if there was a way back. "I want you to love me," he said. A simple statement. But not a simple desire. Not a simple truth. But a truth. A truth that had been there for, what, twenty years?

"What are you doing?" Lupin said, his voice cold.

Snape looked away. He knew he'd blown it. "I'm sorry."

And he picked up his wand and spelled the ropes away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remus adjusted his robes carefully and stood up. He began to pace about a little stretching.

"I'm sorry," said Snape again, "did I ruin it?"

Lupin smiled. "No, no, it was fine really. The end was a little, a little strange, but the rest was..." he tailed off and let a hand run gently over his crotch, toying for a moment with his still hard cock. "The rest was perfect. Just like I remembered. Better, even."

"Are you sure that was what you wanted?"

Lupin nodded. "Quite, quite sure Severus, thank you."

"Really?"

"Yes, almost exactly thank you."

Snape swallowed. He hadn't quite expected to feel so awkward. Eventually he said: "I'm amazed you trust me enough to let me do that to you."

Lupin stopped pacing. He looked at Snape, a little half smile on his face. "Oh no, no, I don't trust you Severus."

Snape bristled, frowning a little. "Of course you trust me you damn fool, you just let meÉÉ you were just so vulnerable in front of me."

"Not that vulnerable Severus, if you would care to check your calendar you'll realise I was quite safe. I came here for my last dose of Wolfsbane of the month didn't I. Spelled ropes aren't going to hold me for long once I start to change now are they? So, assuming you weren't going to actually kill me, I was relatively safe. I had a quite definite escape route.

"And I'm sorry, I really am, because I do wish I could trust you but I can't because, well, I don't suppose I can trust anyone again really, but most particularly not devilishly handsome brunettes, who dance between light and dark like Puck. You might recall what happened last time I trusted someone like that. Five years in St Mungo's was it? Six? I don't even know."

"And so Sirius Black takes you from me for the third time."

Lupin shrugged and stared at his shoes, speaking very softly: "If only things were different, believe me, I would give myself to you every night, with no escape route. I need this. I do. I would have you do that to me for hours, days even. I would be naked on my knees in front of you every spare moment and I'm hard right now just saying that, just thinking it, butÉ." He looked up and his voice faded to almost nothing. "I can't. I can't trust. And I can't trust you. Not now."

Without giving Snape a chance to respond Lupin said quickly: "I should go. I need to check something in my office. Harry mightÉ" He trailed off.

Snape had no idea what he was talking about now. He felt awkward and confused. Something inside him wanted to tell, no, to order, Lupin to sit back down and get ready to continue, but he knew Lupin would probably say no, and the thought of that was too much to bear. So he simply stood and watched as once again he let everything he'd ever wanted walk out of the door.

As Lupin reached the threshold though, he turned.

"Actually you're right."

Snape frowned. "Right?"

"Sirius would have told me. I've never been able to figure that out."

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Snape sat down in a winged chair by the hearth. He didn't fancy venturing back up into the castle tonight, apart from anything else he knew that the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures would be about tonight, as they were coming to execute that Buckbeak creature, and that, to Snape only meant one thing.

The last thing he wanted right now was to exchange pleasantries with that piece of filth Macnair, the Death Eater scumbag.

But only half an hour later Snape looked up from his reading and saw the untouched goblet of Wolfsbane still sitting on the table. Lupin hadn't taken it, just one missed dose could mean..... He shuddered and leapt to his feet, glancing at the clock. It would be getting dark outside, but moonrise was late tonight. He had time.

Picking up the goblet he headed up to Lupin's office.