WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Someday Out of the Blue
By: Lady Feylene
Email: lady_of_the_ring@yahoo.com
Rated: R
Category: Romance
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. I am making no money off of this. Lyrics belong to Elton John.
Summary: Remus Lupin is back at Hogwarts, and causes Severus Snape to re-evaluate his life.
Author's Note: I was sitting at my computer, browsing fanfic.net, and listening to my collection of favorite love songs. "Someday Out of the Blue" by Elton John came on, and it just clicked that that was for Severus and Remus. I had to write this fic...takes place in the fifth year...erm....I've noticed my stuff is leaning a bit towards the dark side. I have no idea where it's coming from. I'm not sure if this ties in with Deathsong Balladeer or not. Tell me what you think...

//Some day out of the blue//

//In a crowded street or a deserted square//

//I'll turn and I'll see you//

//As if our love were new//

//Some day we can start again, some day soon//

Severus Snape sat at the faculty table in the Great Hall, musing down into his breakfast. He was having trouble keeping his mind set on the days task. His thoughts kept being drawn to the man at the other end of the table. The man with the gold and silver hair, and haunted face. Remus Lupin. It had been a over a year since he had seen the man last, and in Snape's opinion that wasn't long enough.

But he wasn't being fair to himself. It had caught him by surprise, Lupin being back at Hogwarts. Oh, he knew the man was coming, but he hadn't expected him so soon. Snape had walked into the great hall, and there he was. The potion master's eyes had been drawn to where the werewolf sat, talking and laughing softly with Flitwick. And it had been as if those long years had never happened...

But Snape was not one for sentiments. He had shoved bittersweet memories far back into the recesses of his mind and focused on other things. This meant that Dumbledore was planning on acting far sooner then he had anticipated. And it meant more time spent in that damn man's presence.

Snape had collected himself, his midnight eyes as cold as ever as he swept through the hall to his seat, his gaze never falling anywhere near Remus Lupin. It was...easier that way. Far easier to hate without question. Perhaps not wise, but Severus Snape had never prided himself on making wise choices. And he was working hard enough in his professional life to give much thought to his personal life.

He wasn't sure how he made it through dinner. He was generally silent and cold, so no questions were raised. And Dumbledore was well aware that Voldemort was putting quite a strain on the professor. It was...difficult, this line he was walking. He hated always looking over his shoulder...not that he did, but it was the principle of the thing. That was what surprised him. Regardless of the danger he was in, he didn't give it a second thought. he was well aware that he could very easily find himself dead the next day, or in pain beyond his wildest imagination. But it didn't bother him. He supposed it should. Was he really so dead inside that the prospect of death itself was nothing more then a passing thought?

And did it say something, that he'd rather contemplate his own imminent death then think about Remus Lupin? He would, too. He would often lie awake nights, his mind wandering down various dark thought paths. Usually it was the same. What would happen when he was found out. There was no if to it. He knew as well as Dumbledore he couldn't keep it up forever. Voldemort was suspicious. Snape did his best to ease the doubts of the dark lord, but there was only so much he could do. It didn't bother him though, it was just a fact of life. He thought about it often, the ways he would be killed. There was never any fear associated with it. He thought about his own death the same way he thought about the next days class curriculum. Would it be the Death Curse? Or more...personal means?

Snape was rather certain that most would be deeply disturbed by the things that went on in his mind. There were not many who would casually imagine their own death. Oddly enough, he never though farther then that. Why should he? he'd be dead and gone, and whatever happened afterwards was none of his concern.

When he wasn't thinking about his own demise, he thought about the past. Either his Death Eater days...those were never pleasant. He was rather certain he still hadn't washed all the blood from his hands. Or school....he supposed that was where things went wrong. Perhaps if things had been different in his own school years, he wouldn't have turned out quite the way he had.

Somehow he got through dinner. He rose, swiftly and gracefully, and prepared to stalk out of the great hall when he felt a gentle pressure on his wrist. He froze, his eyes staring strait ahead.

"Severus..."

The potions master hadn't responded. There was nothing he had to say to Lupin. It had all been said and done, over a year ago. Or perhaps it had all been said nearly two decades ago...

"I have nothing to say to you." Snape hissed, pulling his wrist away. How dare the beast touch him? Lupin had slowly let go of Snape's wrist, and he could almost *feel* the hurt that would be in his eyes. Not that it mattered to him whether or not the other man was hurt or not, but still...it just wasn't something he wanted to deal with. Like so many other things, he would ignore it until it faded away and was forgotten.

That night hd been the worst. He went to bed, still feeling the touch of Lupin's hand on his wrist. The other mans hands had been slightly calloused, and rough. But still had a softness too them...no. It would not do to linger on thoughts of a werewolf's touch. Better to think of death...yes. He knew it would not be merciful. No. It would be a painful thing. The cruciatis curse, until his heart gave out. He had seen it done, once, a long time ago. Seen. What an odd choice of words...of course he had seen it, he'd been the one to do it. It had taken nearly four hours...the man had been beyond conscious thought by the end. Babbling and writhing, nearly foaming at the mouth. He had reminded Snape of a rabid dog...

He could remember it so well. The mage leapt to the fore of his mind, without heed. The man...Snape could still remember his name. He remembered all their names. Morgan Chittly. A muggle born ministry worker. He had done nothing wrong, save discover the identity of one of Voldemort's spies. And threaten to go to Dumbledore...he had thought he could bargain. Snape had laughed, and decided that now was the time to see just how much pain the human body could handle. He did it right there, in Morgan's office. Snape could remember the way he fell....his eyes wide in terror and he clutched at the side of his desk to keep himself upright as the pain washed over him. He didn't scream at first...but by the end he was howling unintelligibly. His eyes had been rolling like a madman's...perhaps he had been mad, near the end.

Yes....that was far more comforting to think about then Remus Lupin.

//Here comes the night//

//Here come the memories//

//Lost in your arms//

//Down in the foreign fields//

//Not so long ago//

//Seems like eternity//

//Those sweet afternoons//

//Still capture me//

Breakfast done. Then classes. Longbottom screwing up *again*. Poor child...it wasn't a surprise he was such a dunce, his parents had gone mad from the cruciatis curse. So it did drive the victim mad, if used enough...Snape pushed the thought away. Not during the light of day, he couldn't take it then. Those were thoughts for the dark of night, when it was silent and dead. He oftentimes wondered if he were mad, but knew that if he was rational enough to question his own sanity then he couldn't be. But it was a pleasant thought sometimes.

Lunch. Lupin again. Snape again ignored the other man, his eyes sweeping over him impassively. He did not care. He had more important things to deal with. He had to send another owl to Lucius Malfoy, to keep them up to date on the situation at Hogwarts. Dumbledore was specific about the information that was passed along.

Afternoon classes. The first years were worse then ever. Pathetic, twitching little things...he would be had on them, because that was the way life was. Life was not soft or good or sweet. Better they learn that now, when they could grow with that knowledge in thier minds. Dinner. Ignore him. Then to see to detentions, and then to his rooms.

Damn it all to hell, why could he not get Lupin out of his mind? Whether it be the year he had taught at Hogwarts, the time he had nearly killed him in his werewolf form, or the time before...of late, it had been the time before.

Damn Black. Damn Black for showing him what Lupin really was. It had been hard enough, before that. They were from different houses....Slytherin and Gryffindor. They were opposite as night and day. They had nothing in common...save their self imposed solitude. Or, Lupin had had his friends, but he was a loner regardless. Snape was certain that was what drew him to the young Gryffindor boy in the first place.

~Hogwarts, Snape's fourth year~

"You shouldn't be here, Remus." The young, black haired boy's voice was quiet and steady, but his eyes were smoldering darkly.

"I know." Remus bowed his head, the moonlight frosting his golden blond hair with silver.

"So I suggest you leave." Severus said, a bit more forcefully. The two were outside, on the grounds.

"I don't want to."

"And why, pray tell, not?" Severus arched an eyebrow. The two had come to an uneasy friendship, comprised mainly of clumsy conversations and secretive glances. Neither of their friends were all too pleased about it. But it had been building since last year, and was slowly developing into something Snape didn't like thinking about too deeply. Remus Lupin was lowborn, and a Gryffindor. Not the sort that he should be hanging about, much less think about in a romantic context.

"Because we hardly get to talk in school." Remus said. "I want to talk to you, that's all. Besides, you're out here..."

"I just came out for a smoke." Severus said, gesturing with the hand that held his cigarette. "Not company."

"Well you got both." Remus said, smiling softly.

"Won't your friends be looking for you?" The Slytherin boy sneered, his lips curling as he thought about Potter, Pettigrew and Black. The three boys were positively horrid to him...well, not Potter. Black, mostly. The others just went along with him. Except for Remus. He even stood up for Snape, in his quiet and polite way. Everything about Remus Lupin was so polite. His earnest expression, his tired eyes, his quiet voice...it was as if he lived simply to make things easier for others.

"No." Remus shook his head, and raked his shaggy hair out of his eyes. "And I don't care."

They stood there in silence for a while, Severus smoking slowly. They'd catch hell if they were caught out on the grounds this late, but it seemed neither one of them cared. Why had Remus come out here just to talk to him? And he didn't care if his friends were missing him...well, Severus had always suspected that Remus lived more inside of himself then he let on. He had been well aware of the feelings developing between the two, but hoped Remus was doing the smart thing and ignoring them as well.

"If you wanted to talk, then talk." Severus said, finally. He didn't mind the silence, but Remus was rocking back and forth on his feet impatiently.

"Heh...now I don't know what to talk about..." Remus grinned sheepishly. "Sorry." He brushed his hair out of his eyes again, looking up at Severus. He was tempted to think the blond was flirting with him! But he was so tired looking....no fifteen year old boy should look so damn hunted!

"We could talk about what in hell possessed you to break school rules to come talk to me." Severus said, crushing his cigarette under his boot heel.

"I like you." Remus said, simply. He looked the black haired boy in the eyes, and there was no hint of coy flirtatiousness there now.

"I see." He liked him? Well, yes, that had been established. "You've other friends, Lupin, I suggest you focus your attentions on them."

"They're my friends, Severus." Remus said. "And so are you. But..."

"Remus, I ask you to please not explore that particular branch of thought vocally." Severus said, holding up his hand to still the words that were coming forth. "And please don't snap something cliche like 'you don't even know what I was going to say!', as I know exactly what you're going to say. And I think it's something better left unsaid."

"Why?" There was a hurt note in Remus' voice, and his eyes were questioning and searching. Snape sighed, rolling his eyes heavenwards.

"It would never work. For too many reasons then I can list. I think that a few of those reasons would be obvious to you?" He arched an eyebrow, trying to be gentle. Why couldn't the idiot have just left things alone? Didn't he see how much easier that was?

"Our friends? Sev, who cares about them..."

"I care, and please don't call me that. I am not your lover, so I would appreciate if you did not use pet names with me." His voice became clipped, and he saw Remus flinch away from him. "Yes, that is one reason. Our social standing is another. Our Houses. I'm not even going to touch upon our genders...It wouldn't work. Not for long. And I would rather not have my heart broken by some pretty Gryffindor with puppy dog eyes."

"I wouldn't break your heart, Severus..." But Snape held up his hand again. Why did Remus have to push it?

"I don't want to talk about it." He snapped. "I *asked* you, as a *friend* to leave it be."

"All right." Remus said, and his body slumped. Severus sighed again. He didn't like what he was doing, but it would save them both a whole lot of pain down the line.

"I'm...sorry." He said, the words sounding strange in his throat. He didn't think he'd ever apologized before...

"It's all right..." Remus waved his hand away, but Severus could tell from his voice that it wasn't all right. "I ought to go back inside..." He turned away, and Severus felt awful inside as he watched his shoulders slump...

"Wait..." What was he doing? Remus was going away, like he had asked...

"Yes?" Remus turned, the hope in his eyes enough to send a dagger through Severus' heart.

"I *suppose* I could think about it." Snape sighed, and Remus smiled, his face lighting up. Severus looked away, staring at the ground. He could hear Remus' feet on the thin carpet of leaves on the ground. And he could feel him standing in front of him.

"Thank you..." The words were barely a whisper, and Severus looked up to meet Remus' gaze. They stood, frozen, looking into each other's eyes. Then, almost imperceptibly, Remus leaned forward. Severus closed his eyes, his body tensing in anticipation. Remus' lips grazed his gently, the barest brushing of silk against silk. It was warm and fleeting and over far too soon but hardly soon enough.

"See you tomorrow?" Remus asked, breathily.

"Yes." Severus nodded, his heart beating somewhere in his throat. He had to look at the ground again He felt Remus' hand brush against his cheek, before the other boy turned and headed back to the castle...

//Here comes the night//

//Here come the memories//

//Lost in your arms//

//Down in the foreign fields//

//Not so long ago//

//Seems like eternity//

//Those sweet afternoons//

//Still capture me//

Another day. Full of meetings and briefings and everything else that one did in wartime. And Remus Lupin was not ready for it, not ready at all.

//I'm a scholar, not a soldier...// He thought, resting his head on his hand as he stared down at a stack of notes that Dumbledore had sent down to him. This was more Sirius' type of thing then his. He was the brawn, Remus was the brain. Which, he mused, was probably why he was here at Hogwarts, not out and about like Sirius was. The werewolf felt safe at Hogwarts at least, but he worried about Sirius. Though he figured if the man could get himself out of Azkaban, and escape the ministry for years, he really wasn't inall that much danger.

He turned his mind back to the notes in front of him. Apparently there was a slow down in Death Eater activity. And no reason as to why. The school was operating as usual, with a careful eye kept on a few select students. Death Eaters gathering strength, inflitrating the ministry...it was all the same. And it was exactly the same as it had been all those years ago. Did it never change? What was it that muggles said about history, and that it always repeated?

//I could tell them that.// Remus sighed, pushing the papers away. He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to wipe exhaustion out of them. It was only a few days after the full moon, and the week following his change always left him feeling drained. The week before he was full of energy. His life was pretty much ruled by the change, it always had been.

//For the love of god, even my sex life revolves around it.// Remus sighed. People had many, many false ideas about werewolves. He had read a lot of books on the subject, and most made reference to the wolf and the man. They didn't know what they were talking about. The wolf *was* the man. If he wanted to be completely honest with himself, the wolf was a bit more in charge. When he was in wolf form, hardly any of his human mind remained. but in human form...he still had wolfish impulses. He preferred rare, red meat, had serious pack instincts....just look at his school years. He would have gone mad if it hadn't been for James, Sirius and Peter. He was stronger then average, had an almost preternatural sense of smell, and...well...he didn't like thinking how it affected his romantic life.

//Get a grip on yourself, Remmy.// he thought. He needed a good cup of tea. He waved his wand, conjruing up a steaming cup. tea would help calm his nerves. He hated what he was. He always had...how could he not, when it caused so many people close to him to turn away? Even his own parents...

//Don't think about it.// He gripped the teacup hard, wrapping his hands around it. Don't think about it. That was practically his mantra. There was just so much he didn't want to think about. And it all stemmed from his curse. He supposed it was a very good thing he was what was termed as an 'omega'. He was a follower, not a leader. That meant he didn't have the violent urges and impulses that some werewolves had. Except of course in his unchecked werewolf form. There was nothing wrong with him. But no one would listen.

Remus drank his tea, focusing on trivial things. It was good to be back at Hogwarts, to see Harry again. He felt a pang of sorrow for the boy. To go through so much, so young...he knew how he felt. He had been just a child when he was turned. He supposed it was a good thing the changes didn't start until he'd hit maturity. There was no way a nine year old boy would be able to handle that.

Unbidden, the memory surfaced in his mind. Funny enough, he couldn't remember the actual attack. He had wandered away from his family, and gotten lost. He was out far past dark, and it was a full moon. And it had happened...but he remembered afterwards. His father had found him...had his father chased the werewolf off? He couldn't remember. but he did remember his father carrying him home, talking to him softly. He had cleaned the wound, and dressed it, and told young Remus that everything was fine. Then he had fixed him som hot cocoa, and sat down to write a letter. The representative from the Department for Disposal of Dangerous Creatures had arrived three days later.

//He was only doing the right thing.// Remus told himself firmly. The ministry had taken him into custody, over his mother's pleas and protests. They had tested him, and talked with him, and pushed him as far as they could to ensure he was 'safe'. And always there had been the notes...writing everything down. He was sent home weeks later, his parents instructed in what they would have to do id they decide to 'keep him'. Chain him down when the changes started, keep him locked up...they had agreed. It was never talked of again, but Remus' father shut him out afterwards. There was a distance between them that would never be breeched. It was his mother who had approached Dumbledore about accepting him to Hogwarts. And he thanked her from the bottom of his heart.

It was getting late. Remus knew he wasn't going to get any work done tonight. Once the remembering and self pitying started, he had to see it through. He didn't do it too often, but when he did he went all out. It was a healing thing for him...a few hours of self torment and anguish. Followed usually by a night of deep, dreamless sleep. Stripping down to his pair of faded pants, Remus crawled into bed and pulled the covers up over him. He lay on his back, eyes closed. His father had only been the first. Every werewolf was registered with the ministry, so they could keep track of them. Well, every werewolf that was sane and competent enough to register. There were wild ones, those who had given up any vestige of humanity and returned to the forests to live as beasts. Werewolves could change whenever they wanted, but every time they did they lost a little more of themselves to the wolf. Remus never changed until the moon forced him.

Because of the registry, it was easy for anyone suspicious to look you up. Remus had learned that the hard way. Jobs lost, lovers, friends...so many who turned from him when they discovered what he was. So he learned. Never stay in one place long enough to let them get suspicious. Bring up the fact that you're sickly early on, so you can use that as an excuse when you're worn out from the change. Better let them think you're weak then a monster. He gave up on friends, changed jobs, and lovers...

Well, that was something else entirely. Remus didn't worry about that too much. He knew for a fact he wasn't going to meet someone and fall in love. It didn't work that way for werewolves. They mated for life. Once he gave his heart away, that was it. It was well and truly given. And Remus-foolish young man that he had been-had done so a long time ago.

//Unrequited love.// he mentally scoffed. //Don't tell me about unrequited love. Try falling in love with one person, and never being able to fall out. And have that person think you're nothing more then a beast. And to know you'll never love anyone else...never be *able* to love anyone else...// No one knew. He hadn't been able to tell anyone. Oh, if someone was really interested in his mating habits all they'd have to do was look in the right books. But he didn't dare let on that he had found his life mate...regardless of whether that person knew it or not.

//Sirius, you have no idea what you did.// And Remus certainly wasn't going to tell him. It wasn't anything that needed saying, not now. It had been too many years, gone too long. And it didn't really matter anymore. He had learned to live with it. But that moment of rejection replayed itslf over and over in his mind. He could remember it all, in crystal clear perfection in his mind.

~ Hogwarts, Remus' 5th year~

"Why, Sirius?" Remus couldn't keep the plaintive tone out of his voice, and he knew his eyes were bright with unshed tears. His hands were clasped tightly together, and he felt something heavy and thick in his throat.

"I dunno." Sirius shrugged, robes sliding over his muscular shoulders. "I mean...it's no big deal...no harm done..."

No harm done! No harm done! Remus had a sudden urge to shake Sirius until his head snapped off. But he was too weak to do it, even if he'd really wanted to. How could Sirius begin to comprehend what he had done? It had taken so long for Remus to reach Severus, to bring them to the point they were in their relationship. They had been together for nearly a year-in secret, of course-and the other boy was just beginning to open up. And now...now what. That had not been how Remus wanted to breech the subject of his lycanthropy.

"You shouldn't have..." Was all Remus could get out. James was looking on with anxious eyes, and Peter hung in the background. Remus had a feeling James could sense the unspoken in the air. All three of Remus' friends had made comments about his 'friendship' with Severus. And none of them approved. Sirius worst of all. Was that why he had done it?

"I said I was sorry." Sirius repeated for about the tenth time. "I don't know what else you want me to say."

"Nothing." Remus said, though the word was spoken with far more snap then he'd intended.. "I have to go..." He needed to talk to Severus. He needed to explain, to apologize...

He didn't remember what had happened. He had no clear memory of what he did as a werewolf. He knew he hurt himself...he awoke in his human form with the wounds on him. And he was told. He was glad he couldn't remember well. From what he heard, he was nothing but a mindless beast. And they said he had gone after Severus...what if he had hurt him? Or killed him...or changed him....

//I didn't want to tell him yet!// Remus had to keep a firm hold of himself, to not break into a run through the hallways. He knew Severus' schedule as well as his own, and the Slytherin boy should be in the library. Remus had been waiting to tell him about his condition. He hadn't wanted it to be an issue in the relationship. He realized now that that had been a foolish thing to do. But he wanted to wait until Severus was in love with him...

He paused, outside of the library. He had ended up running anyway, even though he didn't really have the strength for it. He caught his breath, and ran a hnd through his disheveled hair. He straitened his faded black school robes before pushing the door open.

Severus was sitting in his usual spot at the back of the library, a large book open in front of him. Remus paused, just looking at him. It had been a year since the night on the grounds, where they had first begun this clandestine love affair. They had both agreed to tell no one. They were cordial and civil to each other by day, that was nothing different. Bt at night...they'd sneak out to walk the ground together, usually in comfortable silence. Remus did most of the talking, going on about school work or things like that. Severus would listen, and interject something every so often. He wasn't a very affectionate person, vocally or physically. Their relationship was a slow growing one. But this year it had been different. Severus had opened up far more, talking a bit about his life. It wasn't a very happy one. Remus thought his life was bad...and he had begun to be more...affectionate.

A small smile curved Remus' lips, as he leaned against the doorframe watching the object of his affection. He wondered if Severus knew how beautiful he really was. Long, soft black hair, pale skin, midnight black eyes, aquiline features. Remus shuddered as he thought about the way Severus' skin felt under his fingers, the way his slim body felt when it was pressed against his own. He couldn't think of anywhere he'd rather be then in Severus' embrace. Even if that embrace was a bit distant. They were both alone in their own ways, but they were alone together. He because of his curse. Even with James, Sirius and Peter, he was still alone. They could never truly understand what it was like to be cast out, cast aside because of something they had no control over. But Severus could.

His presence had been sensed. Severus' head lifted gracefully, and his black eyes regarded Remus cooly a moment before going back to his book. Was that a good sign, or not? Remus swallowed, his nerves suddenly flaring into action. A cold lump formed in his stomach, and that funny thick feeling was back in his throat. He swallowed hard, trying to force it down. He shoved his hands in his pockets, walking slowly over to the table where Severus sat.

"Severus, I..." He began, but the dark flash of Severus' eyes as he looked up silenced him.

"I don't associate with beasts."

The words were harsh, and the tone harsher. It cut through Remus like a blade. He could smell the cold, quiet rage coming off of Severus clearly. His voice was the same dead cold, icy and aloof. A beast. That was what Severus thought of him. He clenched his teeth together tightly. The hotness in his throat was spreading, and rising. It was threatening to turn into a sob. He quelled it, forcing it down. He could feel his eyes start to water, that hot tingling feeling starting at his eyelids. He supposed he really shouldn't have been surprised. He knew Severus' views. Wasn't that the reason he had never told him? Because he didn't just fear rejection, he was nearly assured it?

"I understand." He sighed, the words coming out as hardly more then a breath. He swallowed back another sob, telling himself firmly he wasn't going to cry over Severus Snape. If he was going to cast him aside because of something so stupid....

Turning slowly, determined to keep his dignity, Remus walked out of the library, back to the Gryffindor tower, to the boys dorm, where he threw himself down on his bed and finally allowed himself to cry.

//I still believe//

//I still put faith in us//

//We had it all and watched it slip away//

//Where are we now//

//Not where we want to be//

//Those hot afternoons//

//Still follow me//

"I've been over it again and again." Remus Lupin was saying, his voice calm and rational. "If we want to sway the ministry...which I still think we should...we have to tread very carefully..."

Severus Snape wasn't listening. Oh, he didn't mean to not listen. He had started out paying very close attention. But somewhere along the line his mind had begun wandering. Lupin was repeating the same thing over and over anyway. About keeping the ministry abreast of some movements, for various reasons. He wanted the ministry to be alerted of anything they did that got back to Voldemort. That way the ministry felt better about things, and Voldemort had proof that his information was accurate. It made sense. Lupin always had been intelligent. Unlike Black, who was having difficulty grasping the simple plan.

He had always been so patient, Remus Lupin. Whether it be with that overgrown brute Black or with the students when he had been teaching. And with Snape himself when they had been....close. There it was again. That odd sense of regret that Snape got when he thought about Lupin. Where had that come from? He hadn't been *that* hurt when whatever they had been between them ended. Certainly not so bad that it would still be bothering him now.

//then why can I not put that god forsaken man out of my mind?// It had begun with memories at night. Well, that wasn't all that odd. Snape spent most of his nights lost in his memories. Though usually they focused on things far bloodier then Remus Lupin. But it only made sense considering the man was here again. But lately he had begun wandering those long traveled thought paths even during the day. Like now.

"I think we have exhausted this particular branch of possibility." He snapped, growing tired of Lupin's quiet voice and Black's haughty oppositions. Dumbledore nodded.

"I am inclined to agree. We shall...keep the ministry posted." The headmaster said. "It seems the Death Eaters are quiet. Gathering their strength. This will give us time to get ourselves ready."

"If there is nothing else...?" Snape let the question hang. Suddenly he had an overpowering urge to be anywhere but there. He wanted to be gone, far into the depths of his dungeon and far away from the dark recesses of his mind.

"I think so." Lupin said quietly, and Snape automatically turned his head when the other man spoke. He found his eyes meeting Lupin's earnest, good natured gaze. How did that man always manage to seem so...so damn cheerful? It was a humble, reserved cheerfulness, but there it was all the same. And Snape couldn't stand it. There was something about it that rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't speak, but rose swiftly-a bit too swiftly-and headed for the door.

"Damn him!" Snape muttered under his breath. He took a deep breath once he was outside the room, and tried desperately to chase the thought and image of Remus Lupin from his mind. He could hear them talking quietly inside, Black's voice as loud and grating as ever, easily identifiable over the others. Stupid oaf...It almost drowned out the sound of the door opening...

"Severus? Are you all right...?"

"I am fine, Lupin." He refused to look at the other man. He stared strait ahead, standing a bit rigidly. He already haunted his thoughts, why did he have to hound him in life as well?

"You stormed out of there so quickly..."

"I have things to do." Voice cold, words clipped. It was something he slipped into, whenever he spoke to Lupin. What business was it of his if Snape was distressed or not? "If you will excuse me?" Throwing back his shoulders, he turned on his heel to sweep past Lupin, expecting the other man to jump aside...as most people did when Snape was on the war path. But Lupin didn't move, and Snape brushed against him lightly. It was the barest of touches, but to Snape it felt as though he had been burnt. He made no show of it, stalking off down the hall, mind thrown back...

That concern. That bloody, god forsaken, sincere concern! Why did it bother Snape so badly? It didn't used to...of course, things were different then. That had been before Snape knew what Lupin was. He didn't care for the concern of an animal.

//Beast....should be destroyed....// But it was more from rote then true feelings. He had no true desire to see Lupin dead, only wished him gone and out of his life. There were far too many reasons that the werewolf made him uncomfortable. The fact that Lupin was his first broken heart was certainly a focus point, there was something else. Lupin...knew things. Things that Snape had worked very, very hard to keep quiet. But, in a fit of...something, he had broken down and told Lupin.

//Why did I tell him?// Snape stormed into his office, slamming his door behind him. He threw himself down in his chair, grasping for some papers to grade. That would take his mind off of things...only it didn't. He realized after a few moments he was simply making random marks with his quill. His thoughts were years away. Why? What was it about Lupin that had broken down his defenses so? There was nothing special about the boy. True, he had that trusting air about him. And he had seemed to live only for others...always putting himself last. He would push aside his own problems immediately...come to think of it, Snape couldn't really remember young Lupin as having any problems...but he had been more then willing to listen to others.

~Hogwarts, 5th year~

"Are you all right?" Remus Lupin looked eagerly up at Severus Snape, his amber eyes anxious.

"Fine." Severus was leaning against the wall of a not very well used corridor in the dungeon. His shoulders were slumped, and he refused to look at the other boy.

"You stormed out of the Great Hall..."

"Just leave it alone, Remus." Severus snapped, shooting a quick glare over his shoulder. Remus was chewing his lower lip slightly, eyes wide and eager to help. Severus sighed, gritting his teeth together. He could be bitter and cold and harsh to everyone but Remus. There was just something about the other boy that Severus couldn't stand up against. All Remus had to do was stand there, not talking, just staring with those big eager eyes of his, and Severus found himself talking. Even when he didn't want to. "A letter, that's all." he finally added.

"Oh." Remus nodded. "Is everything all right?"

"Mmmm." Severus just nodded, imperceptibly. Why had she written him? Did she have any idea what she could have done? If anyone had seen it....it could have ruined everything. Severus had worked very, very hard to keep his life the way it was. And then *she* had to interfere...

"From who?"

The dreaded question. Severus looked away again, leaving a very heavy silence hanging between them. He stared at the floor, his jaw set. He couldn't answer the question. He crossed his arms over his chest, his shoulder digging into the cold stone of the wall. It was rough and uneven, and grated through the fabric of his school robes. It was something to focus on. Anything other then the letter, and Lupin.

"You don't have to tell me..." Remus' voice had the defeated tone Severus knew so well now. It was soft and resigned, with no hint of anger or indignation. Remus was far too accepting of things. It went strait through him, that quiet unassuming tone. Severus had no idea how he felt about Remus, other then he did. He risked the complete rejection of his friends to be with the other boy, and considering his friends included Lucius Malfoy, that was saying quite a lot. Remus was Gryffindor, and his family was poor...

//You cannot look down on him for that.//

Severus knew well what his 'friends' thought of Remus Lupin and his group. Muggle lovers, dirt, mud-bloods...he knew the terms well, and spouted them out himself. He never said a word about Remus though. He had, at first, when the relationship had begun. But now he kept his mouth shut. He wasn't about to defend his...well, whatever Remus was to him. he didn't really like to define the relationship. He abhorred the term 'boyfriend' and the term 'lover' didn't exactly fit. Beloved? Perhaps...but not quite.

"My mother."

"But...." The confusion was evident in Remus' voice. Severus sighed, still looking at the floor. "Sev, I thought you were an orphan..."

"I know." No explanation. Why had he said that? Why couldn't he have let the silence hang, perhaps just turned and held his arms out to Remus...but no, he would never solicit affection or comfort. Remus would have eventually put his arms around him, knowing he was bothered by something. And that would have been all right. Severus didn't mind Remus touching him much anymore. At first he had. Touching had never meant anything good to Severus. He kept looking at the floor. It was dirty, and uneven. There were cracks on the stone, and Severus mused that it would not be hard to trip, if someone was running.

Remus remained quiet. Severus swallowed hard, resting his head against the stone wall. There were simply no words. How could he tell Remus about her? No one knew...no one could know. As far as everyone was concerned, Severus Snape was an orphan. No one bothered to ask questions; not of a pale, haunted boy with dead black eyes. Who would want to? Not even Remus had ever broached the subject of conversation. But Severus had a feeling that where family was concerned, Remus hadn't made out all that well either.

"I would appreciate if you didn't mention this to anyone." Severus finally said. Would Remus keep his mouth shut?

"I won't."

"No, of course not." Severus gave a cold little laugh. He clenched his fists, turning to press his forehead against the cool stone. The letter was still clasped tightly in his hand. He wanted to tear it apart and forget it had ever come to him. That stupid bitch!

"Is...is everything okay?"

he was still prying? Severus closed his eyes, pretending he hadn't heard. //Please Remus, just let it go.//

"She needs money." He said, the words making themselves known of their own accord. It was as though Severus no longer had control of his voice, it had taken over.

"Oh."

"She does this..." Severus continued, defeated. Remus placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed reassuringly. "Usually she waits until I come hom for the summer...it's easier that way. She's never mailed me here...I told her not to. I give her what she needs when I can."

"You're...poor, then?" He could tell Remus was trying to piece everything together.

"You've no idea..." Severus gave another bitter laugh. "No, not poor. 'Poor' eludes to the fact that there is a minimal amount of money. We have none. Whatever money she makes goes strait to the bottle." Whatever money. A pence here, perhaps a two-bit...Severus doubted the woman had seen a pound note in her life. And she always went after him for money...well, his money was his.

//I *earn* it myself.// He shuddered at the thought. No matter how Remus pried, he'd never get *that*out of him. //Damned if she'll see a penny of it. I'll steal food for her, but my wages are mine.//

"I understand. What about your father?"

"Hah!" Severus turned to face Remus, his black eyes glittering dangerously. "What about him? All *I* know about him is that he was a wizard. He would have had to have been, or I doubt I would have been in Slytherin..." Remus' hand tightened again on Severus' shoulder, offering silent support.

"Only purebloods are accepted to Slytherin?"

Severus felt himself tense, unbidden. //Don't say anything. Just let it go. Nod, or something, but do not answer him!//

"Half bloods as well."

//DAMN IT!// Severus squeezed his eyes shut, and pressed his forehead harder against the wall. There. It was out, Remus knew his secret. He was a half blood...father a wizard, mother a....a muggle. He'd rather be thought an orphan then that. Muggles were dirty, beneath them.

Remus' arms went around him, and he laid his head against Severus' back. Severus allowed this, a part of him thankful for the comfort the other boy offered. He kept his eyes closed, just thinking about Remus' warm weight against back. The only other person who ever touched him was his mother, and that was generally to smack him or kick him or shove him out the door. Oh, and there was Black. Black would push him, or trip him, or casually knock his books out of his hands. And he couldn't forget his mother's 'friends'. Cruel, dirty men who couldn't afford better then a two-bit gutter whore. They would touch him too, sometimes...

"I won't tell anyone." Remus said softly.

"Thank you." Severus turned in Remus' arms, opening his eyes. Remus didn't care. What should he, he was poor as well, and a Gryffindor. They were all a self righteous, championing lot. Remus smiled softly, his amber eyes warm and full of affection. No one had ever looked at Severus like that before. He reached out a hand and ran it down the side of Remus' face, awed by the simple fact that the tawny haired boy *liked* him. Who had ever liked Severus Snape before? Even his friends didn't actually like him. They were in the same House, and shared the same views, and so they were friends.

Remus turned his face into the caress, his eyes closing slowly. Severus just trailed his fingers along Remus' cheek and jaw line, before letting his hand fall to rest on his shoulder. Suddenly, he felt uncomfortable. That happened, sometimes, when he found himself being affectionate. Clearing his throat, he hastily pulled his hands off of Remus, averting his eyes. Remus stepped back, eyes full of understanding.

"We should get to class."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

//He did keep it quiet.// Snape reflected. Lupin had never said a word to anyone about Snape's parentage. Which was half the reason Snape had kept Lupin's secret quiet for so long. The other half was Dumbledore. But now it didn't matter. The man had brought it upon himself. And yet...he hadn't retaliated. He very well could have. Casually mention to the Potter boy: "Well, it's alright really, considering Snape's practically a Mud blood."

Snape sat back in his chair. How different things could have been...if Lupin hadn't been a beast, if he hadn't used him the way he did...that was what had hurt the most. He had though Lupin liked him. Had been kind to him out of genuine affection. Obviously not. He should have known better then to get involved with him. He was one of *them*. Nothing but a conniving little bully.

//I suppose, in a way, I was in love with him.// It was an odd thought to have. Snape had never been one to dwell in the past. Thinking about it and dwelling in it were two different things. He rarely went and picked those memories apart, and never thought about the would haves and could haves.

//It doesn't matter now.// He shuffled though the papers, forcing his mind to focus on them. Whether or not he loved Remus Lupin when they were both school boys had nothing to do with anything anymore. That time was gone, and whatever he had felt for him was dead now.

Wasn't it?

//Some day out of the blue//

//Maybe years from now//

//Or tomorrow night//

//I'll turn and I'll see you//

//As if we always knew//

//Some day we would live again, some day soon//

It was cold at night. Remus Lupin curled up under his thick blanket, pulling it right up below his chin. He could hear the wind howling outside, and the shutters rattling. It didn't, overall, create a calming atmosphere to fall asleep in. In fact, it made it very difficult to sleep. Lupin sat up, yawning. He pulled the blanket around him and slipped out of bed, to see if he could do something about the shutters. He was on the second floor, in a spare room. It was rather sparse, but that was really Lupin's fault. He didn't have many things to *put* in a room.

//Damn it...// He thought to himself, peering out the window. He would have to open it to secure the shutters, and that was not something Lupin wanted to do. It was raining hard outside, and the rain was pelting against the window thanks to the wind. He supposed he'd just have to put a silencing charm around the window, so he couldn't hear it. Holding the blanket tightly around him, he padded back over to the bed where his wand sat on a small bedside table. He picked it up, and preformed the simple charm. The sounds of the storm were immediately silenced. Lupin reflected that was almost as bad as the storm.

"I can't win, can I?" He asked aloud. He shook his head, crawling back into bed. He sank into the mattress, closing his eyes. He wasn't all that tired now. He tossed and turned for nearly half an hour before giving it up as a bad job. There was no way he was going to get a decent night's sleep tonight. He climbed out from under the blanket, shivering in the cold night air. His nightshirt was rather thin, and he fumbled for his bathrobe, pulling it on clumsily. It was brown and worn and faded in places, and the tie was tattered. It was much like everything else Remus owned. Old, worn and faded. When you spent most of your life wandering, you didn't have much time or money to buy things that were new and fresh.

The castle was slient and dark as Remus padded along the empty corridors, not entirely sure what he was doing. Maybe he'd run down to the kitchen, and grab a bite to eat. Though food right before bed was generally never a good idea. A mug of hot milk? That usually did the trick. But Remus wasn't exactly anxious to go to sleep. he had been, when he was actually tired. But now he was fully awake, and had no intention of sleeping. He was a night person anyway.

//Just like old times, eh?// He asked himself with a dry chuckle. It had been a very long time since he prowled the corridors at night. Though he had rarely been alone. Unless he was slipping out to meet Severus. Oh, that had always been a bit tricky. He had never, ever told anyone about the relationship, though he was nearly certain James had figured it out. There were plenty of times when Remus had bumped into Severus in the hall and exchanged brief pleasantries, and looked up to see James regarding him with curious, knowing eyes. But that was all. Nothing was ever said, which Remus was quite thankful for. If James, Sirius and Peter had been upset over a friendship with Severus, how would they have reacted to...what it had been? Hell, Sirius didn't even know that Remus was as partial to men as he was to women. It was the werewolf in him, that drew no line between genders.

//We can't be picky.// Remus' feet had brought him to the front hall. He leaned against the wall, looking out a window into the storm that was still raging outside. Now that he wasn't trying to sleep through it, he found it to be quite pretty. The rain was coming down in hard sheets, flattening the grass outside. The trees were painted black, and the lake was a dull silver. And the moon was covered...

He felt a familiar twang in his heart. It was usually late at night like this when he got to missing Severus. How many moonlight meetings had there been? Too many to count...almost every night. Except of course when he changed. He was actually surprised Severus never figured it out for himself. But Remus had been careful. He had taken other nights off, not just the full moon. Using the excuse that he didn't want his dorm mates to get suspicious. Severus had understood that. He had been as scared of being found out as Remus was.

Wrapping his arms around him, Remus sank down against the wall. It was cool and somewhat comfortable, sitting on the floor there. He leaned his head back against the stone, wondering if there was any chance Sirius was still up. He doubted it, and decided he really didn't want his friends' company. Sirius would ask questions, like why Remus seemed so sad. And what could he tell him? //Oh, I'm sad because I fell madly in love with Snape in our fourth or fifth year, and I can't ever fall in love with anyone else, but he hates me now.// Oh yes, that would go over quite well with Sirius. The reaction he would get if he told him, however, was humorous. Almost enough to take his mind off Severus.

//He still hates me.// It wasn't a painful thought, not anymore. He had had two years to come to terms with the fact. Now it was just something cold inside of his mind. He had thought that maybe, maybe after all of these years the hate would have faded some. But it was as strong as ever. Probably stronger, considering Lupin had gotten the position Snape was after. And nothing Remus could do would change the other mans' mind. He had been the same as ever. Even after the...incident, he had been as cordial to Severus as before. That had been the hardest...before and after. Seeing him the halls, in class...and being distantly polite Friendly, as he had not tried to hide the fact that they were friends of a sort, but nothing more. It had been hell. Neither Peter nor Sirius had had any clue. Peter never would have even thought about something like that, and Sirius...well, Sirius just didn't think much. James though...if he had only been a bit more discreet...oh, James had known all right.

~5th year~

Remus and James were paired with Severus and another Slytherin for Herbology class. Professor Sprout always teamed up out of house. On that particular day, the other Slytherin was absent-asleep in the infirmary after a nasty accident in potions class. Remus had placed himself diplomatically between Severus and James. They were pruning Wing-Bushes, so called for their long, wing like leaves. They grew at an alarming rate, and had to be pruned then charmed to prevent the leaves from growing back too soon and too many.

"Pass me the clippers?" James said, frowning down at his plant. "I messed up the charm..."

"Sure." Remus leaned over Severus to pick up the clippers, his arm brushing against him. He could smell Severus quite clearly, thanks to his enhanced sense of smell. He had always likened the Slytherin's scent to that of snow and rain. It was a very crisp, clean smell. He realized suddenly he was taking far too long to retrieve a pair of clippers. He pulled back suddenly, blushing furiously. Severus paid no heed, his face thoughtful and intense as he clipped his bush. Remus handed the clippers over to James, mumbling something unintelligible.

"Thanks..." James voice said everything. He was suspicious. Neither one said anything for a few moments. Severus rarely talked, something Remus was quite used to by now. From what he had heard, Severus had learned the hard way that it was better to keep his mouth shut. "Damn it! I just can't get this right..." James sighed, shaking his head. Herbology wasn't his best class.

"Here..." Remus turned his attention to James' plant, picking up the clippers and demonstrating the charm. But his mind was still off thinking about Severus, and he misplaced an inflection. "Whoops!" he blanched, attacking the rapidly sprouting leaves with the clippers, mumbling the incantation as he went.

"Ha!" Sirius Black-who was ignoring his Slytherin partners-looked over and saw the trouble they were having. "James Potter, beaten by a bush!"

"Oh, shut up." James said, good naturedly. That started an across the green house verbal spar between the two. Remus shook his head, chuckling at his friends, and turned back to his own bush.

"I hate these things." he moaned, attacking the plant savagely with the clippers.

"It could be worse." Severus said, and Remus was surprised. The Slytherin had said nothing other then monosyllables since the class started. "It could have teeth or thorns. Be happy it doesn't."

"Adds excitement." Remus said with a grin. Severus only made a noncommittal noise. Remus shook his head, and patted Severus' arm in a friendly manner. He rested his hand on the other boy's arm for a moment, squeezing gently. He had a sudden, insane urge to hold Severus' hand. He was near certain the other boy would not appreciated that. Whether in class or out. Severus had tensed a bit when Remus laid his hand on him, but that was normal. Remus suspected he was not well taken care of at home. He knew not to push though, that Severus would open up when he was ready. Besides, it wasn't as though Sev was the only one keeping secrets in the relationship. Remus looked up shyly, giving Severus a small smile that he hoped was comforting. He heard James clear his throat politely, and jerked his hand away. He felt his cheeks flushed, and returned his attention to his plant.

*****

That night, Remus sat underneath a large tree on the grounds, legs tucked up under him. He was waiting for Severus. He hadn't bothered to get dressed really, had just thrown on his robes over his pajamas. They were, he decided, probably the most expensive thing he owned. They had been a gift from James. White and silky and best of all, brand new. His parents never spent that much money on him for anything other then school supplies. He much prefered these to the old sweats he had worn beforehand.

"I thought we had agreed to be careful?"

Remus jumped up as Severus' voice alerted him to the other boy's presence. He was wearing a black sweater and faded jeans, and was smoking a cigarette. It seemed to Remus that Severus was almost always smoking.

"Sorry..." Remus muttered. He hadn't meant to be so...obvious. Severus shrugged, sitting down beside Remus. They sat there, in silence, until Severus finished his cigarette. The air still held a taste of winter, enough that when a slight breeze stirred, Remus shivered slightly and pressed himself against Severus for the warmth he offered, as much as to be close. Severus did nothing, just sat with his head tilted back and his black eyes looking towards the sky. Remus rested his head on Severus' shoulder, his eyes studying the column of the black haired boy's throat.

"I shouldn't be here." Severus said, and Remus chuckled. He was used to this. Severus couldn't let a meeting go by without complaining about it. Or listing the reason's why they shouldn't be together. But he never left, and he never ended it. Remus was pretty sure Severus' complaints were more habit then anything else. "I shouldn't be with *you*."

"But you are." he said. "And I'm glad you are." He nuzzled Severus' neck, his lips brushing over the pale skin. He felt Severus' arm go around him, resting hesitantly on his shoulders. He always seemed so nervous when Remus touched him intimately. He straitened, moving so he was straddling Severus' lap. "Just getting comfortable." He said softly, seeing Severus tense and draw back slightly. "Is everything okay?"

"Fine." The word was spat out like a bullet, but Remus only nodded. He rested a hand on Severus' shoulder, tilting his head to look at the other boy. He shivered again, and Severus put his arms around him again, hands resting on Remus' back. "You're cold." He said, flatly. Remus only shrugged, leaning forward to rest against Severus' chest, his head tucked up under his chin. Severus left his hands on Remus' back.

"This is nice." Remus said, sighing contentedly. Didn't Severus think so? He only made a small noise in his throat, either 'hmmm' or 'mmm'. Remus couldn't quite tell. He tilted his head upwards, licking his lips to moisten them. They were dry from the cold night air. Apparently Severus took it as an invitation, because he kissed Remus gently and briefly. His kisses were always brief and chaste. Remus frowned slightly, his hand reaching up to stroke Severus' cheek gently. "What?" He asked, puzzled.

"'What' what?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrow.

"It just..." Remus paused, trying to put to words how he felt. "It seems like you only kiss me because you think you have to." He finally said. That was exactly what it was. It was as if Severus kissed him only because it was what he was *supposed* to do, not because he wanted to.

"I don't." Severus snapped. "I don't *have* to do anything."

"Then..." Remus frowned again. He didn't want to insult Severus. But his kisses were so...lacking. So cold, and distant. He sucked in his lower lip, thinking how to phrase all he wanted to say. He knew there had to be reasons for Severus' distance, and he accepted that. He had to! It wouldn't be right to pressure Severus, when Remus was keeping his own secrets. But Remus had a few ideas. He knew Severus' mother was a drunkard, and he knew that when people got drunk they sometimes go violent...

"Oh, be quiet." Severus snapped. He narrowed his eyes, one hand coming up to cup Remus' face lightly. The tawny haired Gryffindor blinked in surprise. He hadn't even said anything! He opened his mouth to protest, but Severus silenced any words with a rather savage kiss. His lips closed over Remus' harshly, his tongue darting out to slide into Remus' mouth possessively. That was a surprise! Remus leaned into the kiss, Severus' hands running over his back, neck, shoulders...his tongue caressed Remus' lips, before sliding between them again. Remus recovered, returning the kiss with a fervor. His tongue battered against Severus', his hands tightening on his shoulders. His mouth tasted of smoke and lemon, and his scent overpowered Remus. He tangled his hands in Severus' hair, running his fingers through it.

They stayed like that for nearly half an hour, ending up lying together on the ground, Severus spread over Remus. Both were tired and Remus for one was quite content. He wrapped his arms tightly around Severus, pulling him closely against him. He liked the comfortable weight of him on his chest and hips, and his hands ran along Severus' spine. He was certainly not cold anymore.

"I have to go." Severus pushed himself up, his raven black hair falling into his face. Remus nodded, rolling his shoulders as he sat up as well. He kissed Severus again, lightly, before pulling away and allowing the Slytherin to stand. "I'm sorry." Severus said, his eyes dark and glittering. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Severus was gone before he could. What had that been about? Was he apologizing for kissing him, or for leaving right afterwards? Remus pulled his bathrobe about him-they had been using it as a blanket-and returned to the school.

Severus Snape stared down morosely into the wine glass he held in his hand. He swirled the dark red liquid around, frowning into it. It sparkled and glittered, highlights illuminated by the fire. At some angles it looked almost black, at others: the color of blood. It tasted of fire as well, due to various spices Snape had laced it with. They helped him...relax. It was not often that the potions maser was able to relax, especially not these days. He could feel the tension inside of him, feel the knots and kinks in his shoulders and spine. They ached, a dull throbbing pain. It mirrored the pain in his head. He seemed to have a perpetual headache, never ending and tormenting. When had it started? He didn't even know.

It probably had something to do with Lupin. The bastard...not that he had actually done anything, but his mere presence was enough to upset Snape. And the fact that he was so upset over it also bothered him.

//I have more then one old lover, and not a single one irks me the way Remus Lupin does.// Snape's lips curled, just thinking of the man. But a small part of his mind taunted him. The alcohol had brought it out, and Snape wanted it silenced. He did his best to ignore it, but at times like these...

//You've ex lovers yes, but how many have you loved?//

He gripped the stem of the wine glass tightly at that thought. Love? How could anyone love a beast? An animal, a monster...Snape's blood boiled at the thought. And to think...he had let that *creature* touch him, and...no. He wouldn't think of it. He had lived most of his life *not* thinking about that particular fact. Why had he done it? Because he had loved Lupin then. When he thought that Lupin was nothing more then a shy, gentle young man who had loved him...how wrong he had been.

//But wasn't that better then how it could have been?// The voice in his mind persisted. //At least at the *time* you loved him. And you thought he loved you. And he was gentle...//

There was that. Regardless of anything else that had happened, Remus Lupin had always been tender. He was one of the only people who had ever treated Snape with any kindness. His voice, his words, his touch...But he would not think of that. He could not think of that...but it was there, already. He could still remember Lupin's hands, skin, lips...he did not want to think of that!

//*She* certainly wasn't too pleased.// That brought a wry smile to Snape's lips. But brought back memories he'd rather not think about. He had done things in his past that he was ashamed of. But what choice had he had? Would he rather have starved to death? *She* certainly hadn't cared, and had proved that time and time again.

~Summer, after 5th year~

" 'Ere, hand me that cloth, luv." Amelia Snape jerked her head in the direction of her son, hardly able to get up from the filthy mattress where she lay.

"Yes, mum." Severus gave his mother the rag, his eyes cold as he regarded her. She was bruised, as usual, and her blouse was stained.

"An don't give me that cheek! If'n ye'd send some o'your earning's my way, it wouldna be like this." She glared at him, scrubbing at her hands. There was dried blood on them, Severus didn't know from where and quite frankly didn't care. He went back to the rickety table, the most stable piece of furniture in the room. He was counting out notes and coins, while his mother did her best to clean up from the night before.

"My money is my money." Severus said, dryly. A fair amount, he supposed. He nearly had enough to cover his school expenses. Once he had enough for that...

"Oi, and how'd yeh like it if I said that, eh?" She sneered, getting unsteadily to her feet. She was a rake thin woman, with black hair and dull gray eyes. Her features were thin and pinched, and had once been pretty. But now her skin had a greyish cast, and hung on her frame loosely.

"Mother, I never saw a cent until I started making it myself." Severus said, the same dry tone. That earned him a slap, which he hardly acknowledged.

"Don' talk to me like that!" Amelia railed. "I brung ye into this world, ye know! I've fed yeh, clothed yeh, put a roof over yer head..."

"No you haven't." Severus said, organizing his money. "Whatever food we had, I stole. The same with clothing. As for this roof...we live in an abandoned building. We have no door, and trash bags for window panes. No heat, no clean water, and no electricity. So I wouldn't be bragging about ny of that, if I were you." He pocketed the bills and coins, stuffing them into the pockets of his worn, ripped jeans.

"Shut yer mouth, yeh bastard brat." Amelia hissed, sinking into a chair. "I'm still yer mum, I own yeh. Ought to sell yeh to a brothel. Yer pretty enough, look like a gel. Surprised yeh don't make more money on the streets, lookin the way yeh do."

"You wouldn't get much for me at a brothel, mother." Severus sounded almost bored. How many times had he and his mother had this conversation? Nearly every day. 'I ought to sell yeh to a brothel, they pay good money fer pretty virgins.' Even though the threat did hold some truth behind it, Severus was used to it.

"An why not? Yeh obviously have some idea of what yer doing. And they pay right nice fer pretty young virgins."

"I'm not a virgin anymore mother." That ought to shut her up.

"What? Why'd yeh go and do a stupid thing like that for? An yeh just gave it away, I bet!" That earned him a slap on the back of his head, sharp and brief. He gritted his teeth, but did nothing to retaliate or defend himself.

"I did. So you will be making no profit off of my innocence." He pulled out one of his school books, and opened it, staring down blankly at a random page.

"You made a mistake, boy, a big one. You could have made a real profit off of yer cherry. Was it worth it, then? Yeh happy with who ye gave it to?"

Severus didn't answer. He stared harder at the book, though he immediately forgot all about engorging charms the moment he had finished reading them. Was he *happy* with whom he had first slept with? He had been...until he found out the man was not even a man, but an animal. //Remus Lupin is nothing but a beast. A beast who used me, and then tried to kill me. To think I let him touch me...let him...// Severus shuddered at the thought.

"Yeh aren't!" Amelia cackled. "Ha! Well, I hoped yeh learned yer lesson."

"Yes mother." Severus just wished the woman would shut up. He had very little feeling for her...save a certain warped sense of duty to her because she was his mother.

"Now maybe ye'll be a bit more willing to make the real money, eh?" She prodded him with a bony finger, and Severus waved her away.

"What I do is none of your business."

"Actually it is, pet." Amelia leered. "Seein' as how we're in the same business...one whore to another..."

"That is enough!" Severus stood up quickly, slamming his book down. "I'm going out!" He raked his shoulder length hair out of his eyes and stormed out of the room-he couldn't call it a house-and out into the hot London summer.

They lived in what was the worst part of London. You couldn't go five feet without running into a drug dealer, a hooker, a pick pocket or worse...it was downright depressing. Severus paid them no attention, he had grown up with him. He knew them for what they were, they knew him for what he was. Amelia's bastard brat, the drunk hookers get, following in the dumb bitch's footsteps. He took out a cigarette and lit it, on one smooth motion. Remus had never liked the fact that he smoked. Well, Severus didn't like the fact that Remus was a lying beast.

"Heya, Runt."

That was what they called him. The group of teens that had once been his friends. Before Hogwarts. Then he had gone off and become 'learned', as they put it. Now he was too good for them, and they did their best to make his life miserable. And they were far crueler then Black and his gang.

"Shove off." Severus muttered, he attempted to shove by Davis, one of the smaller boys, but found his arms trapped by Smith and O'Brien. They were all stronger and rougher then Severus, having grown through their teen years on the mean streets of London, not Hogwarts.

"Oh, out to make a few pounds, eh? We always had ye figured fer a queer." Davis, though small, was the leader of the small gang. He was a short boy, with dirty brown hair and mean blue eyes. His face was round and scarred, and he was wiry. Smith and O'Brien were both big boys, more brains them muscle. They reminded him a bit of Black, come to think of it...

"Never did like queers..." Smith rumbled, tightening his grasp on Severus' arm. //Wonderful. The day just can't get any better// he thought sarcastically.

"Neither did I." O'Brien echoed.

"Oh, I dunno." Davis cocked his head to the side, a malicious grin spreading over his features. "They're always good for *something*..."

Severus tensed, sucking in his breath quickly. They wouldn't...not even to...they were sick bastards, but not that sick...he started to struggle, twisting his arms and wrenching his body.

"Really?" Smith scrunched his face up.

"Yeah...we can beat the shit out of him."

"Oh, good idea!" O'Brien grinned like a maniac, and Severus turned his head away from foul breath and bad teeth. Almost as soon as the words were out of the big man's mouth, Davis landed a swift punch in Severus' stomach. He grunted, the air pushed out of him by the blow. He doubled up, probably would have fallen if it weren't for the two other boys holding him up. Davis changed the angle of his arm, his fist connecting with Severus' chin, making him see stars before his eyes. The pain was intense, and he let out a sharp cry. His arms were being wrenched back, and Davis punched him again in the stomach. He could hardly breath, and he felt blood in his mouth.

"Oi, yer not hitting'im hard enough!" O'Brien called out. Severus squirmed, kicking out violently. One of his knees connected with Davis, and the other boy let out a yelp.

"Oh, that's it. You're gonna bleed, Runt." Davis let fly with a quick series of punches. Severus' stomach, jaw and cheek. Bright red spots blossomed before his eyes, and he had to spit out blood. He had bitten his tongue, and it throbbed inside of his mouth. Funny that the one thing he focused on was his tongue, it as the most minor of his hurts. One of the others-he didn't know whether it was O'Brien or Smith at this point-adjusted his grip on Severus to join in. The young wizard let out a choked gasp as he felt the pain in his back.

They worked him over well. He could hardly feel his body by the time they were done. They dropped him, and he saw Davis had blood on his hands. It was his blood. He was bleeding in more places then one now. They kicked him a few times in the ribs, and he curled up on himself as best he could. He could hear them laughing as they left him there, bleeding on the side of the street. No one offered him help, and no gave him a second glance. Things like that were a common enough site in this part of town. It was hours before he was able to pull himself together enough to crawl home.

****

"Yer own damn fault." Amelia said, shaking her head. "Now yer well enough, get your arse out of here. I need to work..."

"Work." Severus scoffed, lifting himself delicately off of the mattress. He was still sore, but the cheap whiskey had dulled some of the pain. He was pretty certain a few of his ribs were cracked, but there was nothing he could do about it. His head, back and arms ached. He stood, unsteadily, wincing at the pain in his side. He brushed back his hair, flinching. It was stuck to his face by blood, and stung as it was pulled away. He staggered over to the cracked mirror and chipped basin, to wash his face. He blanched when he saw himself in the mirror. He had a black eye, and the left side of his face was swollen and bruised. His lip was split, and there was still blood trickling out of his mouth. He washed the blood off of his face, wincing with every movement.

"Get yerself out of here!" Amelia screeched. Severus just scowled at her. He gritted his teeth, crossing the room. His jeans and T-shirt were black, the blood didn't show up on them. He supposed he wasn't in too bad a shape, he could still pull in a few pents. There were some who preferred them battered...he shuddered, pulling out another cigarette. The smoke burnt his throat, but it felt good anyway. He ignored the cat calls, used to them by now. The hookers found him amusing. The women anyway. He took up his usual place, leaning against the broken lamp post for support. He wanted to pass out.

//I could fall over and choke to death on my own blood, and she'd probably be glad of it. No, because then she'd have to find someone else to steal her food for her.// Severus shoved his hands deep into his pockets, his head lowered to stare at the cracks in cement. It was a slow night. he was looked over once or twice, but he supposed he was a bit too bloodied. That earned him quite a few insults, and a slap or two.

//And Remus wonders why I hate muggles so much?// Severus allowed himself a dry chuckle. //Beaten, bruised, bought and sold...I'm nothing but a thing to them all. I suppose I'm not much more then a thing to Remus and his ilk either. Lucius may not like me all that much, but at least he treats me like a person. So do the rest of my fellow Slytherins. Why in hell did my father ever sleep with that whore? Not only is she cheap and dirty, she's a muggle. He couldn't have been a Slytherin...//

Thoughts such as those kept Severus occupied, until the first rays of morning began to creep over the rooftops. He was stiff and in more pain then before, but that wasn't all that different then any other day spent home.

//Some day out of the blue//

//Maybe years from now//

//Or tomorrow night//

//I'll turn and I'll see you//

//As if we always knew//

//Some day we would live again, some day soon//

//Now I know what Tantalus felt like. To have the thing he most wanted right there in front of him...to see it smell it, practically feel it beneath his fingers...and never be able to touch it.// Remus Lupin sighed to himself, picking at his food with his fork. He kept sneaking covert glances out of the corner of his eye at Severus Snape, who was-by either coincidence or cruel fate-sitting next to him at the faculty table. It was like a force was drawing his eyes to the other man, and in a way that's exactly what it was.

//What is it they say about pain being the same as pleasure? Or maybe it was sweet torture...well whatever the saying is, I have to disagree.// Lupin made a face, deeply absorbed in his own thoughts. There was very, very little joy in Snape's proximity. Mostly it was a bitter pain, knowing that he was right there but may as well be miles away. Lupin could do nothing about it. Except glance, and remember.

But there was a certain warmth that came with being so close to him. It wasn't any real comfort though. In fact, that little bit of warmth hurt Lupin more then anything else. That *knowing*. This was the only person he would ever love...

"My lord man, what are you staring at?"

Lupin was snapped out of his own thoughts by the clipped, articulate voice. Apparently his covert glances had been neither covert nor just glances.

"My apologies, Severus." Lupin said, with a soft smile. "I was lost in my thoughts." Always polite, always unassuming. It was easier that way. He had learned to never draw attention to himself.

"Kindly turn your thoughts in another direction." Snape snapped, black eyes glittering dangerously. Lupin continued his soft smile, nodding and looking back to his plate.

//Oh yes, very subtle.// He told himself, forcing down some food. It stuck like glue in the back of his throat, and he found it hard to swallow. He wasn't very hungry, but it was getting close to the full moon. He needed his strength, wherever he could glean it from.

The full moon. Snape would be there, bringing the potion that eased the pain and ferocity of the transformation. And it would be all Lupin could do not to throw himself at the man and ravage him.

//I can't even have a normal sex life.// Lupin brooded. It was the moon...the closer it got, the more powerful his sex drive got. The night before the full moon it was almost unbearable...a driving need that practically consumed him. Years of going through it every month had taught Lupin to control it, repress it...but with his mate so close...well, it would be very difficult.

//I wonder what he'd do, if I just jumped on him?// He mused, a small smile curving his lips. It was an interesting thought, but nothing more then idle fancy. He would no more go at Snape in lust then he would in anger, it simply wasn't in his nature. A wilder man may, but not Remus Lupin. He had spent nearly all his life trying to tame the wolf that he was. It couldn't be done, not completely, but he could try. Meditation, mental exercises...it all went to keeping himself calm. And as far as he could tell he'd done a good job of it.

//This is ridiculous.// Lupin thought to himself, putting his fork down with a sudden sense of determination. He looked over at Snape again, who was bent over his plate, not paying much attention to anything else. He seemed to have acquired a permanent scowl. //We need to talk about this. *I* need to talk about this. I've tried, but he just won't listen. I have to get him to listen...//

"Severus?" He said, his voice mild and polite.

"Mmm?" The potions master looked up, eyebrow raised and scowl in full force.

"I would like to speak to you, if that would be possible?" //Damn it, Remus, don't ask him, *tell* him!//

"There is nothing I wish to speak to you about." Cold words, spat out in a frigid voice.

"I know. But there's something *I* wish to speak to *you* about." Lupin said His voice was as even as ever, but he tried to push as much pleading and hurt into his eyes as possible. Everyone had always told him his eyes were very expressive...and Snape had once been very moved by a pair of wide, golden eyes...

"I will be seeing you tomorrow night." Snape said briskly. "If I have a moment..."

"That would be fine, thank you." Same polite smile, eyes full of gratitude. It was far more then Lupin had hoped for...he had expected a curt dismissal, perhaps a scalding remark. Snape was so good at scalding remarks...

~Hogwarts, 2 years prior~

Remus Lupin sat in his office, head cradled in his hands. He had a raging headache, and his eyes were watering from the pain. He hadn't had one like this in a while. He chalked it up to the impending full moon, and the newly acquired strain from teaching. He had never been a teacher before, and was finding it a learning experience for not only his students, but himself as well. Luckily he seemed suited to it. He had often been called upon to tutor in his school years, and teaching was really just tutoring a whole lot of people at once.

The door to his office creaked open, and Lupin forced himself to look up, wincing at the slight pain the light hitting his eyes brought He expected a student, looking for help with homework or some such, and had been quite surprised to see Severus Snape standing there. They had not spoken since the start of term banquet, and that had been a curt-and required-greeting. But Lupin was certain, with a little time, things would sort themselves out. Perhaps now...

Something inside of Lupin felt a great spread of warmth, but he quelled it. He hadn't seen Severus since graduation, and the parting had been none too friendly. A brief congratulations, a declined hand shake, and they had gone their separate ways. But even that was a cherished memory, compared to the years of bitter solitude that had followed.

How the years had changed Severus...Lupin remembered a beautiful young man, tall and lean with arching cheekbones, soft thick black hair that shone like a ravens wing, pale skinned and bright eyed...this man bore little resemblance to the boy Lupin remembered. This man was lean...too lean. His skin had a sallow cast, his eyes were dull, and his hair was limp and uncared for. What had happened, to change him so?

"Sev..." The pet-name escaped Lupin's lips as he rose, eyes full of concern for Severus.

"Call me that again and I'll make a rug of you." Snape snapped, eyes narrowing. "I am here to discuss your...affliction." The word was spat out, as though it left a bad taste in Severus' mouth.

"Of course." Lupin nodded, feeling as though someone had hit him hard in the gut. So that was the way it would be...the hate was as strong as ever, it seemed. "Please, sit down." Lupin himself sat back in his chair, his face schooled into the usual polite mask he put up for the world.

"No, thank you." Snape remained standing, his eyes gleaming slightly with haughtiness and conceit. Lupin noticed now the goblet in his hand, and understood. "I trust you are aware of the Wolfsbane potion?"

"Yes. Dumbledore explained it to me when he asked me on." Lupin smiled a bit in memory. To be told of a potion that would render him harmless in his wolf state...it was like a dream come true. And that that would allow him a position and all that it entailed! Rooms, three meals a day, pay...it was more then he had ever dreamed of.

"Mmmm. I have agreed to make it for you. You must remember to take it..."

"Severus, you have no idea how eager I am to try it." Lupin said softly. Snape looked thrown off for a moment, perhaps surprised by the pain in Lupin's voice, or perhaps thrown back in memory...

"Yes, well...I just wanted to make sure you understand if you do not take the potion and cause...an *accident*, I am in no way responsible. I also brought you your potion." He walked further into the room and placed the steaming goblet on the desk. "Take it."

Lupin frowned at it, suddenly very afraid. What if something went wrong? What if it didn't work? What if...but he forced himself to ignore all of that. Severus had a brilliant mind when it came to potions, and would certainly not purposefully prepare the potion wrong...taking a deep breath, Lupin reached for the goblet, raising it to his lips.

//Focus on the potion, not it's creator.// He told himself, nose assaulted by the foul odor of the potion. He was glad of his headache, it helped him ignore feelings and stirrings that were caused by Severus' presence. Even in his current state, Lupin still found him beautiful. Closing his eyes, he tipped the goblet...

It was like fire in his throat. It was the most foul and acrid thing he had ever tasted. *This* was supposed to help? He gagged on it, his toros pitching forward as he was wracked by coughing spasms. His throat burned, and there was a foul taste in his mouth that made his eyes water. He could *feel* the potion traveling through him, burning it's way through his body...

"Strong?" Snape asked, his tone amused. Lupin looked up from under a curtain of hair, trying to force some amusement into his eyes.

"Just a bit." He said, rasping as he thumped his chest. He sat up strait, raking his tawny and silver hair out of his face. He saw Snape was smiling, a cruel little smile. //Still as petty as ever...// Lupin was tempted to say the though aloud, but thought better of it. If he wanted any chance of rekindling something-anything!-with Severus, he would have to be very, very careful...

"You should take more tomorrow." Snape said briskly, retrieving the goblet. "If you'll excuse me..."

And with a sweeping-over dramatic, in Lupin's mind-turn, Severus left the office. Lupin sighed, his throat still sore, and shook his head. That could have gone far better. But, on the other hand, it could have gone far worse. With a sad little smile, Lupin turned his attention to grading papers...

The cauldron bubbled and steamed, thin wisps of smoke wafting up out of the copper rim. Severus Snape stood over it, black eyes carefully measuring out each ingredient, not needing anything so trivial and mundane as a scale. He knew them by sight and sense of smell, and could measure with his eyes.

//Why are you doing this?// He asked himself again. Not the potion, he knew damn well why he was making the potion. For Remus Lupin, to render him helpless in his animal form. But why in hell had he agreed to speak to him? There was nothing to say, nothing to hear. It was too late for whatever apologies Lupin had come up with. But there had been something in those eyes that had reached into Snape's soul, and grabbed on hard.

//You are a fool, undone by a pair of pleading golden eyes.// Snape tipped in a handful of dried herbs, stepping back as the potion sizzled and bumbled. But there had been so much pain in those eyes...and such familiarity. He had seen those eyes through so much, and they had not changed. They were sadder now, if that were possible. They had always been so sad...

//Stop it!// Snape cursed himself. //If you must feel for him, pity him as you would pity an abused dog, as that is all he is.//

But no animal could possibly have such understanding and humility in their eyes. Try as he might, Snape could not push thoughts of Lupin away. And they were not the usual thoughts of anger, hatred and loathing. There was still anger, there would always be anger. But the hatred was receding. The man had tried so many times to approach Snape, why? To make things better? To explain, to apologize? But Snape had never had anything of it. Not after that night, not at graduation, not last year, and not now!

//But you've agreed to hear him out.// The thought made his lips curl, and he narrowed his eyes, glaring into the steam that rose from the cauldron. Why had he given in, finally? //You did not give in. If you hear him out, he will stop pestering you.//

And that would be a blessing. He wanted the man gone. Especially now. Snape needed his thoughts focused, his mind alert. Voldemort was no fool, and it was difficult not to rouse his suspicions. Every word, every look, every movement had to be mapped out, fool proofed...

//Damn it all.// Snape tossed the last ingredients into the potion, and sat back to allow it to simmer. It would be ready soon, and then he would take it to Lupin, and would listen, and would be done with it.

//This is all you can do.// He told himself. //The best thing you can do it ignore him. Give him his sodding potion and then leave him with it.//

But he had said he would listen to Lupin. And Snape did keep his word, regardless of whom he had given it to. The best thing he could do?

//The best thing you could probably do Severus, is die.//

It was a very honest thought, in his opinion. He couldn't live for much longer, not how he was. No matter how clever, how careful, Voldemort would catch on eventually. And Snape would not run nor hide. He would face his *master* and atone for his sins. But that was later. Now, he had to deal with Lupin.

//You should have simply gotten it over with before this.// But he hadn't, and a small part of him knew why. If he listened to Lupin, if he allowed the man to give his side of events, he may be tempted to believe him. And what if he did? What if he did give credit to what Lupin told him? Snape was not a man who enjoyed admitting he was wrong. He would do it, but he would do so grudgingly. And say he *did*, for some bizarre reason, admit he had been wrong about...certain events. What came then? He did not feel like re-examining his life just because of Remus Lupin.

//You loved him once.//

The thought took Snape by surprise, it always did. He clenched his fists, gripping the arms of his chair tightly. Yes, he had loved Lupin, before he knew he was an animal. How could he have not fallen in love? He lived in hell, shunned and insulted by friend and foe alike, and then there was Remus. Gentle, tender, loving Remus, who had slipped unnoticed into his life and his heart.

//Why? Why did he have to be a monster. Why did he have to be friends with Black? Why did I have to care...?//

Regardless of not wanting to re-evaluate the path he had taken, he found himself doing so.

//And if he had not been, what then? We were boys. Surely some things would have been different, but not many. Perhaps I would not have...perhaps when I had gone home, things would have been different. But I would have still joined in the Dark Lord's cause. Lupin would not have kept me from that. I suppose it would have broken us up, had we still been together. The only difference would have been..// What? What difference would it have made? None, really.

//Nothing lasts forever.// It was a bitter thought, but a sobering one. Besides, Lupin hadn't cared for him....

//You don't know that! You assume. You have always assumed. You *assumed* you could keep your little secret quiet. Lupin found out. You *assumed* Lucius would protect you, speak up for you among the Death Eaters. He abandoned you as soon as he advanced himself. Stop assuming. Think for once, really think! Forget your own petty anger, and look at things rationally!//

After all the years, every little doubt and second thought rose up to confront him.

//Three years? Three years of friendship and then more. Why go to all that trouble? Why wait so long? If he had truly wished to humiliate me, he would simply have let slip that my mother was a muggle. And why bother to attempt to talk to me, if it were some trick. He has always claimed innocence...//

The potion was done. Snape stared at it, glaring at it as though it were the cause of his anger and distress. He snarled at it, rising roughly and spooning some of the contents into a goblet. He could put this off no longer. He tired to rouse his hatred once more, to wrap it around him like a cloak. But his usual defense escaped him. No matter how hard he tried, that hatred he felt (or, more accurately, thought he felt) would not come. He decided to settle with anger then. That came readily and easily, and his lips immediately rose into a sneer as he swept out of his office and up towards Lupin's rooms.

***

//This is stupid!// Snape paused outside the door of Lupin's rooms, again goading that hatred to rise up and overwhelm him. And he hated himself for *not* hating Lupin. But there was no more putting it off. Fixing his face into a mask of indifference and conceit, he knocked roughly on the door.

"Come in."

That voice. Rich and quiet. It was a voice with timbre. It hadn't changed much, either. Snape pushed open the door, goblet gripped tightly in hand.

"Your potion." He said gruffly, standing rigidly just inside of the doorway. Lupin was sitting on his bed, a book held in his lap.

"My thanks." Lupin said, raking his hair out of his face. He was far too young for the silver streaks that swam through the tawny gold. "Please, sit down."

There was only one chair in the room, and Snape took it stiffly. He would not allow himself to relax, to let his guard down. There were few things in the world that bothered him like Remus Lupin. //I would far rather be surrounded by ten Death Eaters and their pet Dementors then in Lupin's bedroom. I wish he would get on with this.//

"If you've something to say, Lupin, say it." Snape snapped, placing the potion on the small table by the chair. "I have things I must attend to. As do you."

"I know." Lupin closed his book, laying it on the bed beside him. His robes truly were in need of replacement. They were grey and darned in so many places they were more fit to line an animal's bed then clothe a man. "I know you don't want to hear anything I have to say, but I appreciate the fact that you'll listen anyway. I also know that this us coming a little late, but it's never late then never, eh?" Lupin gave a nervous chuckle, and Snape could see the strain in his face and his shoulders.

"Not necessarily, but do go on." Snape drawled, sitting back in the chair and folding his hands. This was going to be good...

"Regardless...I honestly didn't no what Sirius was planning on doing-"

"I have heard this before..."

"No, you haven't." Softly spoken words. Lupin never raised his voice, he only changed inflections when he bothered to make his emotions known. It wasn't his voice or his stance that betrayed him, it was his eyes. "You've heard that much. You've never let me get any farther. If I *had* known, I would have tied Sirius down and not let him out of his rooms for a month. Or...or I would have simply told him not to."

"Because that would have done oh so much good." This is what Lupin had wanted to talk about? Snape had been right. It was the same song and dance they had been going through since their 5th year. It would never change.

"It would have. But I didn't know. And I think he realized afterwards. I was...very angry with him. I never told him exactly why, he simply thought I hadn't liked being used. That was of course a part of it. But there was much more involved, as I'm sure you can appreciate..."

"No, Lupin, I can't. If that is all..." Snape rose swiftly, but Lupin was just as swift. One moment he was sitting on the bed, fretting, the next he was before Snape, blocking his exit.

"No, that's not all. You said you'd hear me out, and you will. Now sit."

Snape raised an eyebrow. He didn't like this proximity. He could practically *smell* Lupin. Cinnamon and ginger, his mind catalogued idly. He had tasted much the same as well. Severus could still feel it, on his tongue, if he thought hard enough...//Think of other things, think of other things. Recite the names, that will help...Heather Silverclaw. Kael Frost. Vane McArthur. Kristen Smith. Oric Handers...//

Snape sat down, eyes refusing to meet Lupin's. He went over the list of names he kept in his mind, not allowing his thoughts to stray in the direction of how nice Lupin smelled, and how tired he looked, and how beautiful...

"Good. I was angry at Sirius for causing what happened between us. That is definitely *not* how I wanted you to find out what I was. In all honesty, I didn't want you to find out. I realize that now, looking back on things. I knew you would shun me, just like you did. But I didn't want to think that of you, so I made up excuses. I told myself I wouldn't let on until I knew you were in love with me." A bitter laugh. "I was a foolish, romantic young man. And I was angry because I wasn't able to tell you, and at least have your initial reaction. That would have been better. At least it would have been *me* that turned you away.

"God, I was so stupid!" Lupin ran his hands over his face, shaking his head. "I actually thought there was hope for us, afterwards. I wouldn't have gone looking for you, if I hadn't. I should have just given up, but I couldn't....I..."

Lupin trailed off, turning away from Snape.

//I doubt he would be lying now.../// Snape frowned, eyes regarding the frail looking form of Remus Lupin. What did those words mean to him? Did he dare believe them? And what difference did they make now? In all honesty, none. Nothing was changed by those words. The past wasn't undone and rewoven by Lupin's heartfelt explanation. In fact, Snape rather wished he hadn't heard it. Things were easier when he could mindlessly hate the man. He had been a bully, a petty, cruel boy with no thought other then to cause Snape pain. Now...

"I see." Snape said, sighing. Perhaps Lupin had been an innocent. If so, Snape pitied him. To be used by his friends in such a way...well, that could be forgiven, he supposed. "This changes nothing, you understand."

"I understand."

The same words, the same tone, as so many years ago. Something told Snape that Lupin had always 'understood'. And even now, after all that had come to pass, the sight of a slump shouldered and defeated tawny haired Gryffindor still touched something inside of Snape.

//Give him something. At least to show you believe him. It won't hurt, and perhaps you'll feel better for it. Perhaps these thoughts and feelings will leave you be, and you can go back to how things were. You're in too precarious a position to lose sleep over Lupin.//

Give him something...but Snape had very little to give, other then bitterness and cruelty. Anything he gave would be a double edged sword, tinged with spite and pettiness. That was simply the way things were, now. He rose again, and Lupin made no move to stop him. He had heard the man out, that was all he had promised. He turned, something inside of him afire. This did change things, it changed them greatly. A tiny part of him reached down, beyond the anger and the spite and the self loathing, searching for that tiny spark...

//No!// He walked briskly to the door, not allowing himself to lower any of his internal defenses. So Lupin was nothing more then a pawn. But still...Snape glanced over his shoulder. Lupin was leaning against the wall, staring out the window. There was snow falling, and he looked fragile and almost angelic in the pale light. He suddenly and oddly reminded Snape of the sort of picture one saw on a Muggle Christmas card, faded and beautiful, framed in light.

//You can't let it end like this.// How he hated that voice! It was worse then anything else in his mind. The voice that would not give up on Remus, that would not let the man die! Sighing, Snape held the doorknob tightly, standing in the doorframe, ready to shut Lupin back in his little room with whatever thoughts he was lost in. //You can't leave him with nothing. He left you with something, you must return the favor. Or it will haunt you...//

"If you were waiting to tell me, until I loved you, you waited too long." Snape said softly, before walking out the door.

//I know I should go but I follow you like a man possessed.//

//There's a traitor here beneath my breast//

//And it hurts me more then you've ever guessed//

If my heart could beat it would break my chest//

//But I can see you're unimpressed.//

//You couldn't have heard him right.//

Remus Lupin didn't often question his hearing, but he had no choice at this point. He hadn't turned when Severus spoke, he couldn't bring himself to. The words had cut strait through him, quiet as they had been. They replayed in his mind, over and over like a mantra.

"If you were waiting to tell me, until I loved you, you waited too long."

He heard the words. Each and every one separately, but for some reason, he just couldn't connect them. And he couldn't wrap his mind around their connected meaning.

//He loved me?// Remus turned away from the window, his knees weak and his legs shaking. He suddenly found it difficult to breathe. His breath hitched in his throat, and he was unsteady as he made his way to the bed, to sink into it with a heavy sigh. Dizziness was threatening, but the werewolf propped himself up with his hands. What did this mean? //He loved me.// It was the only coherent thought it Remus' mind. The fact that Severus had loved him.

//But he doesn't love you now.//

It was a bitter, painful thought. Remus scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling very tired all of a sudden. Why had he said that? Did the man have any idea what he had done? A hand went to wrap tightly around his left wrist, squeezing.

//I'd rather he have kept his mouth shut, really.// Remus laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was a position he took up all too often. Severus had loved him. *Had*. That was the part that hurt worse then anything. Somehow, it had been better when Remus thought he had never been loved. //What's that stupid muggle saying? Better to have love and lost then never loved at all...I don't buy into that at all. Before, it was okay, because I hadn't *really* lost anything. I'd never had him, not like that. And...if he had loved me...and...//

Unbidden, Remus felt tears springing to his eyes. The old betrayal hurt worse now. He had accepted and dealt with the fact that Severus had turned away from him, upon discovering his true nature. He had rationalized. If it caused Severus to hate him, then Severus wasn't really worth anything. If he had really loved him, the lycanthropy wouldn't matter. But it had, so therefore, Severus couldn't have loved him. But now...

//I'm not a monster. I'm not human, but I'm not a monster.//

He wanted very much to thrust all the blame onto Snape. *He* was the one who had ended it, he was the one who had caused the pain...

//But he hurt, too. He had to have. To find out, like that, that the person he loved was...a...well, what he considered a beast. Damn it, if he had let me talk to him back then...//

But what had been done, had been done. The rift was too deep now. And....

//It didn't matter. When it boils right down to it, he didn't care. What had he said? 'This changes nothing'. Well Remmie, what did you expect? That he'd throw himself at your feet, and proclaim his undying love for you? This isn't a fairy tale, this is real life. And even if there *was* some small glimmer of affection left there, his pride would never let him show it. But...at least I have some closure now.//

But suddenly, closure didn't matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. That spark of hope had flared up, and then died, leaving a dull and empty ache. Remus hadn't felt quite so bereft for a very long time. Not since...not since Severus had first spurned him. He had never felt pain quite like that. It had lasted, through the rest of the school year and on into the summer. And the worst part had been not being able to speak of it. To anyone. He had put up a front, a pleasant face. It had been worst, with Sirius. There had been times, when Sirius had been joking or playing, where Remus just wanted to lunge at him, shake him, strangle him...

//Damn you both!// Remus thought to himself, turning over to lie on his side. He pulled his pillow close, hugging it to him, and drawing his knees up around it. Neither one of them had any idea what it had done to him. Sirius had never lost someone he loved so deeply. Not the way Remus had loved Severus. Still did love...

At least in school, he had been able to focus on other things. Class work, his friends, tutoring...he could fill his mind with a million useless thoughts that didn't matter at all. Of course, every so often he'd turn the corridor and there would be a familiar lean figure with a scowl on his lips and anger in his eyes. And it would be like a fist had hit Remus right in the heart. He would falter, and cast his eyes down. He didn't want to see the hatred that was now directed towards him. And Sirius was even worse to Severus after that...

//What now?// That was the big question. //Sev had to have said that for a reason. His pride won't let him back down...I don't have that problem. Was that his way of letting me know...what? That there's still a chance? That he's forgiven me? I don't think it was said to hurt me. He seemed more...sad, then anything. Or as sad as he can get. Pensive, maybe is a better way to put it. Certainly tired. We're both so tired now. We grow old, and bitter, and scared. We look backwards and forwards, and suddenly the road behind us is a lot longer then the road ahead of us. And we realize there are a lot more bumps and ditches there then we'd thought, and we wonder how we got over them. Then we look in horror before us, because there's a dark forest looming...//

//Okay. At first you were philosophical, now you're just pathetic. Now isn't the time to worry about what's coming. Now you just have to worry about what is. And since you seem pretty useless right now when it comes to politics, your immediate concern is what just happened. Forget the fact that it hurts. You've hurt worse. God, you almost made a stupid mistake over it before. Look at things rationally...//

Remus turned back onto his back, kicking off his shoes and wiggling out of his robes. He slipped under the covers, snuggling down into the soft warmth. He was still hugging his pillow, and he held it firmly to his stomach. He took a deep breath, shifting slightly to settle himself more comfortably into the mattress.

//Maybe...maybe this is your second chance. We're more equipped to deal with things now. Severus is willing to listen, and I'm not going to go do something stupid just because he doesn't love me. He'll have to bring me more potion tomorrow. Perhaps we can talk again. Not like today, though. I'll invite him in for a cup of tea. Just a friendly cup of tea...//

Remus closed his eyes, nodding to himself. That was the way to do it. Things would be better this time. Idly, one of his fingers traced a small line of raised flesh on his left wrist. He wouldn't let his mind dwell on how things could have been. For better or worse.

~Summer after 5th year~

Remus spent most of the day in his bedroom. His family left him too it, his mother popping her head in every so often to ask if he needed anything. He claimed he was studying, he had always been very studious. He knew his mother was worried, but he hoped she just chalked it up to the usual. There was no reason to put up brave faces and act as though nothing was wrong at home. They didn't know anything about it, and wouldn't ask even if they did.

//Why?// He asked it over and over again as he lay on his bed, tears threatening to leak out of his eyes. That funny tingling feeling was back, and his throat felt thick. His books were open around him, but he had no interest in any of it. Something inside of him *hurt*. It wasn't really a physical hurt, but almost. Like an aching, somewhere deep within him. Now that he was home, and away from his friends and schoolwork, he couldn't get his mind off of it. It consumed him.

//I never knew anything could hurt like this.// And Remus had been through plenty of pain in his sixteen years. Both physical and emotional. But nothing had been like this. This dull, throbbing all-encompassing pain inside of his heart. Was this normal? Sirius had been dumped, but he had never taken it like this.

Sirius. The name sparked a slew of other emotions inside of Remus. Anger, betrayal, fury, and something that was akin to hatred. It was*his* fault all of this had happened.

//He was supposed to be my friend! How could he do this?// It didn't matter that Sirius hadn't *known* about him and Severus...//Even if Sev and I weren't...hadn't been...he shouldn't have done that! Sev could have been killed. It's bad enough the way he treats him normally...they just don't know him. He's not evil, and he's not disgusting. Sirius can't stand anyone who's smarter then him. N wonder he gets into so many fights...//

Remus swallowed back a sob, biting at his lower lip. If he started crying, his mother would hear him, and would come in and ask what was wrong. Usually Remus wanted nothing more then to curl up with his mother, listening to her talk about things at home, or tell her about school. She never once said a word about the lycanthropy. She called him special, and unique. Never monster, or freak.

//Maybe...maybe it has something to do with the wolf?// Frowning thoughtfully, and glad of something to occupy his mind, he hopped off of his bed and padded over to his bookshelf. He pursed his lips, eyes running over the titles, looking for a particular large old book. It had been a gift, from Dumbledore, when he started at Hogwarts. The most reliable book of information on werewolves ever written. It was huge and complex, and Remus generally only looked in it when he needed to look something up. He pulled it off the shelf, grunting as he did so. He carried it over to the bed, tossing it down before scrambling up to lay on his stomach to read.

//What would it be under?// He sighed, dragging his finger down the long table of contents. He still couldn't shake the strange feeling inside of him, he hadn't been able to for weeks. But at least it had faded some.

//Bloodlust...carnality...cycles...family...feeding habits....mating.....Mating?// Remus blanched, flipping rapidly to page 621. He had never bothered to read the thing strait through...it was close to two thousand pages. Apparently it was the combined talents of over two centuries of werewolf study. Most of it was rather depressing, too. Most of it was written by an actual werewolf, so the information was accurate. The first line had always bothered Remus.

"I am not a man. No matter how I look it, I am not. I am a beast. All werewolves are. We can live as humans, but with great difficulty."

Remus refused to believe that he was a beast. he had never hurt anyone...but now wasn't the time! Now was looking up werewolf relationships...

//Mating ceremony? What the...? Mating habits. Mating rituals. Mating techniques...what is this, a sex manual for lycanthropes?// Remus skimmed the pages for any relevant information, a few sentences jumping out at him.

"Werewolves share much in common with the forest wolf. We are capable of deep emotion, more so then humans." That made sense. "We give ourselves completely, physically and emotionally. We crave affection." Still nothing much that helped. Remus had figured all of that out himself, or at least had experienced it. He could still remember how amazing it felt, making love to Severus. It had been the most fulfilling experience of Remus' life, when they had been joined...he knew in that moment he loved Severus purely and completely. He had felt everything come together, as though part of him had been missing and was now restored...

"We have an amazing recovery rate, able to perform many times within the space of an hour." Remus blushed. Severus had once commented on that, in an offhand manner. "We mate for life...."

//Mate for life?// Remus took a deep, steadying breath, forcing himself to read the entire section before jumping to conclusions.

"We mate for life. Many humans think the ritual to be a long and complex thing. It is not. Wolves mate for life as well. They reach their maturity and find a mate, taking her and forming a pack. We are much the same. When we reach sexual maturity, we begin unconsciously searching for a mate. Wolves look for physical traits: strength, stamina, speed...we, however, do not have the same evolutionary instincts. We seek the same things in a mate that a human does. Physical desirability, emotional and mental compatibility, and of course love. However, we do not have the luxury of picking and choosing as humans do. Once we have found a mate, we remain mated to that one individual for the span of our life. The bond is only broken when one of the pair passes away. To take a mate, we simply must physically and emotionally consummate the pairing. Oftentimes a sharing of blood is recommended. It has been known to happen accidentally..."

Remus blinked, forcing his mind to remain calm. That strange aching was suddenly very, very prominent. //Sev can't be your mate. He's a human. He's not a werewolf.// The rather frightened teenager skipped over the next bit, cases of accidental mating, to the next section.

"Most werewolves choose others of our kind as mates. It is much like a human marriage. But it is possible for us to take a human as a mate."

//Shit.//

"It is rare, as no human can possibly comprehend what it is like to mate. Once the bond has been made, it cannot be severed until death. We cannot love another, it is physically impossible. If separated form our mate, we will pine. It is possible to live without our mate, but it is not pleasant. We will forever be longing for them, able to pinpoint where they are, no matter how much distance separates us. If close, we can feel them near us. Humans simply cannot comprehend this..."

//Pine. Longing forever.// Remus slammed shut the book, wanting to fling it away from him. He wished he hadn't read it. Everything made sense now. The way it had felt when they were together, the way he hurt now. It was because he was away from Severus. //I'm going to feel this...forever? Unless Sev and I can work it out...Remmie, he thinks you're a monster. And you are. Just look at this! Even when you're a man, you can't escape the wolf. And now you're going to spend the rest of your life half dead inside because you can't be with the one person you love. Who happens to be the only person you can love. Ever. You know what that means. This-this awful, aching, cold pain-is never going to go away.//

//I can't live like this.// Remus sat up, hardly breathing. His heart was a jackhammer in his chest, and his hands were shaking. //I just can't. Every month I turn into a half mad beast. I tear myself apart. I can never have a normal life. Why bother?// Licking his lips, Remus took a very deep breath. He felt...an odd sort of calm. He picked his books off of his bed and put them neatly away, making sure they were in their alphabetical order. He picked up the "Werewolf Compendium" from where it lay, and returned it to its rightful place. He smoothed his bed sheets, tucking in the edges of the sheets under the mattress, and fluffed up his pillows. His wide, amber eyes surveyed his bedroom.

//My desk is messy...// He thought to himself, frowning. He couldn't live with a mess. Something physically would not let him do it. Gritting his teeth against the turmoil in his mind and the throbbing in his soul, he set about to tidying up the flat wooden surface. His quills in their holder. His parchment stacked neatly. The little carved wolf that Peter had given him set in the top center of the desk. Schoolbooks stacked evenly on the side. Chair pushed in all the way. //There. Much better.// Looking around the room, he decided it was as clean as he could get it. He sat down again, crossing his legs and being careful not to rumple the bed sheets.

//" It is possible to live without our mate, but it is not pleasant." "We can live as humans, but with great difficulty." No.// Closing his eyes and breathing deeply, Remus reached into the drawer of is bedside table, hand closing around a smooth shaft of wood. He drew the knife out slowly, watching as the blade caught the sun, casting bright sparks of light all over the room. It was a good strong knife, nothing fancy. He had carried it since he was twelve, feeling somehow safer with the six inch blade on his person. Never minding the fact that he could tear a mans throat out with his bare teeth...

He held the knife in his lap, fingers loosely clutching the blade. //It's not fair. But nothing ever is. It's not fair I got turned into a monster. it's not fair that Sirius is an idiot. It's not fair that Sev doesn't love me, thinks I'm a filthy monster. But life isn't fair. Life isn't happiness, or joy, or some pretty fairy story. Life is just...life. There's nothing special about it. Once we're dead, we're dead. There's no point to it. Why should we even bother? Life's just some cruel joke. Everything's just a cruel joke. Life, fate, all of it!//

Remus didn't even notice that he was crying. Silent, angry tears streamed down his cheeks as he gripped the hilt of the knife tighter and tighter. His body was rigid, and he had gone cold inside. There was nothing but some sort of angry righteousness that burned inside of him.

//I wasn't born this way. If I had been born this way, it would have been different. I would have been raised as what I am. My father would love me. I wish it had never happened. Then my father would still love me, and so would Sev. I wouldn't have to hide, because I wouldn't have anything *to* hide. James says it's okay, me being a werewolf. If it was really okay, I wouldn't have to hide it! And there wouldn't be any pity in Madame Pomfrey's eyes when she takes me to the shack... At least Sev doesn't pity me. I don't want pity. I don't want condolences. I don't want any of it...//

Hands still shaking, Remus lifted the knife, not able to look at what his hands were doing. he stared straight ahead, his arm trembling violently.

//Calm down. You're going to botch it.// He took another deep breath, letting it out in a low, ragged sob. //Damnit, Remmie! You're a Gryffindor. Brave, remember? You can do this. It's the best way, it really is...//

The blade of the knife was cold against his skin, the razor edge just beginning to bite into the flesh of his wrist. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to what he went through every month. He drew the knife swiftly over his wrist, wincing at the sting. His breath hitched, and he swallowed hard against the impending sobs. The knife fell from his hand, thumping dully into the bed.

//What are you doing?// He grabbed his injured wrist, grimacing at the steady stream of blood that flowed out of the thin gash. It was...almost pretty. His blood was a rich, dark red. It poured smoothly over the flat plane of his pale wrist, dripping steadily onto the pale blue bedspread. It flowed downwards, in a slanted sheet, pooling at the heel of his hand before forming fat droplets that clung to his flesh before falling away. He could *feel* it flowing out of him. It stung and burnt at the same time, and he could feel the blood pouring over the severed skin of his wrist. And it felt as though all of his pain was flowing away with it...

//You claim to be a Gryffindor. You're not even brave enough to face yourself...// Remus shuddered, biting his lip to keep from crying out. he could hear his mother moving around in the hallway outside. What *was* he doing? //You can't kill yourself! Think about what it would do to James and Sirius and Peter? Peter would never be able to take it, if you killed yourself. And Sev....he wouldn't care that you were dead, but James would figure it out. he already half knows. God, they'd blame Sev!//

That thought was the one that sealed it. Yelping softly, he leapt off the bed, still clutching his bleeding wrist. He searched about madly for something to stop the bleeding with. He knew he wasn't going to die from the cut, but he could certainly pass out from it. Tearing through his drawers he found an old sweater his grandmother had given him.

//Pink never was my color...// He wrapped it around his wrist tightly, clenching his teeth against the pain. He sat down on the floor, forcing his breathing to steady. //You can deal with this. It could be worse. You have friends. And look what they did for you! Became Animagus...they did that for you. You can't leave them. And you can't leave Sev, either. Even if he doesn't...even if it's unrequited, you still have two more years. Be happy with just knowing he's alive and well. Maybe...maybe someday...//

He sat back, resting his head on the bed, to wait for his mother to go downstairs so he could go to the bathroom and clean and dress the wound properly.

//You've got no one to defend you, you're out on your own//

//Still fighting on the corner, you can never go home//

//In this world of temptation, in this city of sin//

//There's nothing that can save you, but a strength from within//

The teacher's lounge was deserted, and Snape sank gratefully into a plush chair by the window. He had a folder of papers that needed to be graded, but his mind simply refused to focus. He had been sitting in his office, staring blankly at the wall. His mind kept going back to Remus Lupin, back turned and shoulders slumped. He had looked so....tired. Defeated. So much like the sixteen year old boy Snape had fallen in love with, all those years ago.

//You shouldn't have said anything.// Snape reprimanded himself, shifting through the essays. //There was no point to it. You probably gave him false hope. Now he's never going to leave you alone. You should have left things as they were.// He pulled one out at random, and set it on his lap, quill poised to begin grading.

//Why did you do it, anyway? You don't owe him anything. Just because he had a decent explanation for certain events...you're going soft, Severus. Now is not the time to go soft. You must be harder then ever.// He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. //You have faced far more terrifying things in your life, been in far more harrowing positions. You've more blood on your hands then Attila the Hun, for gods sake. How many lives are you responsible for ending? Dozens? More, most likely. Odd, that I haven't counted. Perhaps next time, I shall count them.// He nodded thoughtfully to himself, and returned his eyes to the essay. //Stupid Hufflepuffs. They never were known for their brightness. Diggory was a Hufflepuff...an exception to the rule. And look where that got him. People should stay in their places...//

Snape frowned, lowering his quill. //And where is your place, Severus Snape? You answer to two masters, live two lives. And a part of you is inexplicably drawn to Lupin. You are teacher, killer, monster and mentor. Bastard brat, son of a whore...mud-blood...// He didn't need anyone to spit the words in his face, he did it himself often enough. But those who would hold it against him didn't know, never would know. And the few who knew, never mentioned it.

//I suppose I ought to be thankful. They never interfered. Not really...// Snape raised his eyes, as if on cue, Minerva McGonagall joined him in the faculty lounge. //Think of the devil, I suppose. Bloody woman...but smart.//

"Good evening, Severus." She said, inclining her head.

"Minerva." Snape returned. He often reflected how odd it was, to be working side by side with Minerva. She had been his professor, once. And she had given him more detentions then any other teacher he had had. Now they were equals.

"Rough day, I see?" She raised an eyebrow, sitting in a chair opposite Snape.

"Mmmm. Mr. Longbottom." Was all he said, and McGonagall nodded, closing her eyes and sighing.

"That boy..." She shook her head. "Really...though I suppose it's not his fault. His grandmother's a bit of a shrew, and his parents..."

"Yes." Snape nodded sharply. "He managed to melt not only his cauldron, but the cauldron's of those students next to him. Not to mention the legs of the desk..."

"He's not much better in transfiguration, I fear. But his grades are well enough." She smiled, hands folded in her lap. McGonagall was one of the few people Snape could stand, let alone carry on a pleasant conversation with. Which was rather odd, all things considering.

"I suppose." Snape shrugged. He thought the boy needed a spine. He'd have enough trouble once he was out in the world. The world didn't care what had happened to him as a child, or how he had been treated in school...Snape knew that first hand. There was a silence, that was neither uneasy nor comfortable. Snape began grading the paper before him, mumbling under his breath as he did so. Minerva made herself a cup of tea, drinking it while looking out the window at the fall of snow outside.

The fire was warm, and Snape's mind still wasn't on papers. It was on the past, as it was so often these days. He could remember that summer, after his sixth year...he had never once thought that they'd *know*. //You were a rather stupid boy. Of course they knew. They knew where you lived, and who your parents were. It's all in that big bloody book.// McGonagall had a book, larger then any book in existence. Every year, a quill wrote the names of children who had been born who would be eligible to go to Hogwarts. She would check it, and send the owls herself...

//That was certainly a surprise. Mum had never mentioned anything about my father, let alone the fact he was a wizard. Oh, afterwards she mentioned there was something 'a tad bit funny' about him.// Snape had never once asked. He knew that Minerva would probably tell him, if he did. Or if not her, Dumbledore. But he had never asked. A part of him *didn't* want to know. It was easier that way. He would have been tempted, had he known when he was younger. But now there was no point.

//She could have offered.// A vindictive voice in the back of Snape's mind spoke up. //When she found you there, like you were, she could have offered. But they don't interfere...//

~Summer after 6th year~

The London night was hot and sticky. It had a thickness and weight that Severus always associated with dark, cracked pavement and sizzling street lights. He half expected low budget, tawdry music to start playing when he took up his usual spot on the corner of Garrison and Harding. His ripped blank tank top clung to his back, plastered there with sweat. He let it, figuring having the garment clinging to his form would just add to his appeal. It was sliced across the stomach, a wide swath of cloth hanging away, on purpose. His tattered jeans were hot as well, the denim itching slightly at the back of his thighs. He had his hair pulled back, out of his face, and a cigarette burned in his hand.

//Slow night.// he thought to himself, lowering his lids seductively at any potential customer who came by. But there were no takers, and Severus flipped the finger at many a back. It usually wasn't this bad, even in the sweltering heat. And he wasn't even to bruised. He had managed to avoid Davis and his gang for the past two weeks, and his mother's abuse was relatively low key. A few kicks, a few slaps, nothing that left too bad a mark.

//Bugger this for a lark...another hour and I'm hauling ass home. Or down to the pub. But I'm not going to stand out in this weather if I'm not gonna make anything. Bloody pointless.// He lit another cigarette, off the one he had in his mouth, and leaned against the broken street lamp. Everything was broken, here. The street, the homes, the people...//Welcome to hell. Population 79. The home of happiness...//

The hour was almost up, and still Severus had sparked no interest. His mother often praised his feminine looks, but he cursed them. If someone wanted something that looked like a girl, they'd get a girl. Remus had spoken kindly about Severus' looks as well, calling them regal, and elegant, and all sorts of frippery. Severus thought he looked pinched.

//That's it. I'm not going to take this. I'll see if I can cop a drink out of Maguire, and then call it a night. I'll find somewhere to sleep...// He couldn't go home until dawn, his mother didn't allow it. Said it was bad for business, having him around. Bad for her business, not his...but there were plenty of cul-de-sacs and alleys he could curl up in, and spend the rest of the night. He couldn't get any sleep at home, between schoolwork and his mother bitching at him. He crushed his cigarette under his heel, and pushed himself up, preparing to head down to the tavern...

"Mr. Snape. I don't think I actually expected to find you here. I certainly didn't expect to find you here specifically..."

Severus froze, his jaw tightening. he knew that voice well, had heard it calling him on many occasion. //I'm hallucinating. Just keep, walking, don't turn around...McGonagall couldn't be behind him. What would *she* be doing here? There's a million reasons why she wouldn't, couldn't be. She's a witch, and she's got plenty of money, and I don't think she's the type that slums...is she? Oh, god...// Severus shuddered, fighting a wave of bile that threatened to choke him. Slowly, against his will, he pivoted to face whatever apparition was behind him.

"Professor." He said, quietly. His cheeks were burning with shame, but he met her eyes full on. He held his hair up, his hands clenching into fists. He had nothing to say, nothing came to mind. He felt he should defend himself, but couldn't think of anyway to. It was obvious what he was doing. His location, his appearance, his whole demeanor... "Might I ask what exactly you're doing here?" Severus managed to say, his voice cold and icy. Why was she here? Was she planning on giving him a hard time, or....

"Looking for you, actually." McGonagall's voice was light, and not in the least bit threatening. There was a tightness around her eyes and lips, but that was all. She was dressed in an old fashioned muggle style gown, and her hair was pulled back in it's trademark tight bun.

"You found me." Flat voiced, he crossed his arms, shaking back his hair. He let a light of defiance into his eyes, challenging the professor. //Why was she looking for me? Am I in some sort of trouble? How did she know how to find me...//

"Yes. I did." Was that regret in her voice?

"How?" Severus snapped. He was suddenly angry at her, for invading his privacy.

"I am your professor, Mr. Snape. I sent you your letter, didn't I? That would indicate I know where you live." She smiled kindly at him. "Don't worry. This is purely a...social visit."

Panic flared up. She couldn't mean...that. What sort of a sick woman was she? He wouldn't...he couldn't...Unconsciously, Severus took a step back, fear in his eyes.

"Oh, do calm down Mr. Snape. I simply wanted to see...how you are getting along." She raked her eyes over his slim, scandalously clad form.

"Fine." Severus snapped.

"It would appear so..." McGonagall nodded. Severus shoved his hands in his pockets, eyes falling downwards. He wanted her to go away. What business of hers was it, how he was doing. She wasn't even head of his house, just his professor. And she had never showed any concern for him before. Of course, last start of term he had been in pretty bad shape. No one had said anything to him, really. Black had made a few comments, and of course Remus had looked at him with concern in his eyes, but Severus had ignored both. "It was brought to our attention that your home life may have been...less then pleasant. We simply wished to make sure you were all right."

"We?" Severus raised his eyebrow. "Whose this 'we' you keep talking about?"

"Headmaster Dumbledore and myself, of course. You are...fine?"

"Yes." He wasn't going to offer any more information then was directly asked for.

"You've...a place to stay?" It was obvious McGonagall was skirting around something.

"Yes. I live with my mother." He was getting agitated. he wanted a beer, and to be left alone by nosey teachers who thought they had some sort of right to butt into their students lives.

"And she treats you well?"

"Yes! Now is there anything else, I've somewhere I have to be right now..."

"I'm certain you do, Mr. Snape." She nodded. "It is one o'clock in the morning, and you seem to be selling yourself on a street corner. I am quite sure there many places you need to be right now."

"I'm meeting a friend. If you'll excuse me..." He took a step forward, attempting to push by Professor McGonagall. She stepped aside, still regarding him with slightly narrowed eyes.

"You do realize your grades slipped dangerously last year." She said, putting a hand on his arm. Instinctively, he flinched away. He jerked his arm back, holding it close and twisting his body. "If this continues, there could be rather dire consequences."

"I'm well aware." Severus sighed, wrapping his arms around himself. He did know his grades had gone down significantly, but it had been a difficult year. It was hard, seeing Remus every day. Knowing what he was, what he had done...it wouldn't let Severus rest. The current summer was actually going relatively well...until now. //Stupid bitch. It's none of her business. She thinks she's so high and mighty...as if I can't see that holier-then-thou look in her eyes. So what if I am selling myself on a street corner? That's my business, not hers. If she's trying to make me feel ashamed, she can't. I've been at it too long. We can't all be pure bloods, born to loving, wealthy families. Some of us have to struggle.// "Now, please...."

"Of course." McGonagall inclined her head, taking another step back and crossing her arms. Severus shoved his hands in his pockets, and slouched off, in the direction of the nearby tavern.

//There was time you let me know,//
//What's real and going on below.//
//But now you never show it to me, do you?//
//I remember when I moved in you,//
//The holy dark was moving too,//
//And every breath we drew was hallelujah.//

Remus readjusted the tea kettle for about the fifth time. He sat, fretting quietly. He was going to invite Severus to stay for tea, and he felt as skittish as a virgin on her wedding night. What if he said no? What he simply sneered, or laughed, or just walked away without a word? They were all valid possibilities. He had made his room as warm and friendly as he could, even wrangling a little tablecloth for the one table in the room. He had set out two places for tea, and complete with a small plate of sugar cookies.

//Perhaps the cookies were overdoing it...//

Remus just wanted everything to be perfect. He smiled at the small tea set he had managed to scrape together...it had been hard finding one that wasn't silver. He wasn't *entirely* sure what this one was, it was certainly metal. But it looked nice, regardless. Old fashioned and elegant, with a long spouted pot and delicate filigree handled cups. The sugar bowl had been filled-for Severus, not himself. Sugar rendered the Wolfsbane potion useless. And the creamer...yes, everything was in readiness.

//You're active very foolish.// Remus told himself. //You have to be calm. You're not a teenager anymore. This isn't some sort of a date. Just keep a hold of yourself, and don't act too disappointed if he says no. He most likely will, but this is worth a try.// He had decided to expect a no. That way he wouldn't be disappointed. Too badly.

He was suddenly assailed with doubts. The whole thing was very stupid. It was obvious that he had gone to an effort. Severus had interrupted his tea before, and never had he had anything remotely resembling this set up. He generally stuck with his own little china tea pot and chipped cup. This was purely for Severus' benefit, and anyone with two eyes could see as much. But...he had to do something. He had to let Severus know, had to indicate that there was still feeling there. Remus clung to the hope that there was still a chance. There had to be...

//He's going to laugh at you.//

That was probably the worst reaction Remus could get. But maybe it would be better then the usual cold indifference. As though they had never shared anything. As though they had never made love...Remus smiled at the memory. He could remember everything about it...the scent of the cool, autumn air, the way the leaves had fallen, blanketing the ground in a splash of red and gold...Gryffindor colors. A slight nip had just entered the air, but that hadn't mattered. And Severus...Remus couldn't remember ever seeing such life and passion in his mate's eyes, before or since. He had cried out Remus' name, near the end, and the sound of that alone had driven the werewolf over the edge. To hear his name from Severus' lips, tinged with such passion and feeling...that had been far better then the lovemaking itself. Oh, but the joining...It had been something warm and beautiful and slow. It had been the single most defined experience of Remus' life. It had happened only once, but it would never be forgotten.

//Does he think of it, too?// Remus decided he had to. It had been their first time. That in itself had made it special. To be able to share something like that...they had lain together afterwards, Remus promising that the next time it would be different, that he would be the one to surrender, to be taken...but there had never been a next time. Remus had decided to keep that vow though, and had never allowed any other the precious gift of his virginity. He had always played the role of the aggressor. He was a Gryffindor, and Gryffindor's kept their vows...

He was shaken out of his reverie by a soft knocking at the door. Remus smoothed his robes over his lap, and ran a hand through his shaggy hair, smoothing it back as best he could.

"Come in!" He called, a small smile settling over his face. He couldn't believe how, well, *giddy* he was getting. //It's just Severus. You've seen him hundreds of times before now. This is no different...//

But it wasn't Severus who opened the door and entered Remus' small, empty looking room. It was actually the last person Remus expected to see, and apparently the surprise showed on his face.

"Wow...hot date Remmie?"

"Sirius..." Remus blinked, taken aback by his friend's sudden appearance, and thrown off by the bawdy wink.

"So, who is she?" The tall, muscular Gryffindor looked around, as if Remus were hiding a woman somewhere in his room.

"Ido not have a 'hot date', as you so eloquently put it." Remus said, regaining his composure. //Oh wonderful...Sirius is going to ruin everything!//

"Then what's with the double setting?" Sirius strutted in, raking a hand through his thick black waves. Remus had to fight back a sudden, irrational surge of lust. his heart belonged to Severus, but he wasn't untouched by physical desire. And Sirius Black was certainly physically desirable. Everything about him oozed sex appeal. His wild, shoulder length black hair, his flashing dark eyes, his tanned skin, hawkish features, and well defined athlete's body had captured many a heart and found his way into many a bed. Many a woman's bed. From what Remus knew, Sirius found the thought of two men being intimate rather repulsive.

"I'm expecting company." Remus said, simply. He hoped his nervousness wasn't showing through. He stood, lips set in a thin line. He wanted Sirius gone before Severus showed up. There was no way the Potions Master would stay, if Sirius was there...

"Oh? And just who warrants such a fancy set up, if not some beautiful woman you're hoping to woo?" Sirius clapped his friend on the shoulder, his voice dripping with humor and innuendo.

"If you must know...I've invited Severus to share a cup of tea."

All amusement dropped away, and Sirius' lip curled. It struck Remus suddenly how alike the two men were. Both stubborn, self righteous, arrogant...well, the list could go on and on. It was no wonder they hated each other.

"Snape?" Sirius spit the name out with disgust. "Why the hell are you inviting *him* in for tea?"

"Because I happen to enjoy his company." Remus said with a sigh. He could feel a headache beginning to build. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having, not now, not here. And certainly not with this sort of lead in. He had decided that if something *did* come of this, this thing between himself and Severus, he would have to tell Sirius. But he would do so in a calm and rational way, with plenty of alcohol on hand. Whether Sirius got drunk before, during, or after the passing on of information was irrelevant. He would get drunk.

"Why? He's an evil bastard." Sirius scowled, crossing his arms. It reminded Remus of when they had been in school. Sirius had never approved of what he thought had been a timid friendship between the Gryffindor and the Slytherin. And he didn't seem to approve of it now.

"Because we share common interests, he's kind enough to brew the Wolfsbane potion for me, and he's one of the few people who isn't put on edge simply by being in the same room with me. It may have taken nearly two decades, but it seems Severus has finally come to grips with my lycanthropy. Not that I blame him, all things considered." Though Remus' tone was light, his raised eyebrow indicated the slight jab that was intended by his words. Sirius just shrugged sullenly, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"He's a lying little prick." Sirius insisted, and Remus took a deep and calming breath. He laid his hand over his eyes, counting to ten in his mind.

"No. He's not." Remus defended his mate, trying to keep his voice as light and unconcerned as possible. "I'm not asking you to like him, or to sit and have tea with us. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you weren't here when Severus arrived. He seems to like you as much as you like him."

"What? You're kicking me out? So you can spend time with *him*? Rather have your tea with that greasy git then your best friend, huh? You've never invited me by like this..." There was suspicion in Sirius' eyes, and Remus tensed. //He can't suspect. I've given him no reason too. There has been no innuendo, nothing that can be read into. And Sirius isn't that bright...//

"You don't like tea. I'm simply suggesting it would be a more comfortable situation if you weren't here, that's all." Remus shrugged, tucking his gold and white hair behind his ears. He really did need to get it trimmed...

"Comfortable for who?" Sirius growled. "You know...I once had a pretty interesting conversation with James about you and Snape..."

"For everyone involved!" Remus nearly moaned. he cut off Sirius, not wanting him to finish the sentence. Remus had long suspected James was well aware of what the situation between himself and Severus had been. But he was certain Sirius knew nothing of it...

"Sure." Sirius turned darkly smoldering eyes on Remus. "I'm not as stupid as everyone likes to think I am, you know. And it's not like it's a big secret that Snape's a queer."

"Look, Sirius, I really don't want to have this conversation now." Remus snapped. he could only hold his temper for so long when it came to Sirius. The man pushed and pressed and just knew exactly how to get a rise out of the werewolf.

"So there *is* something to talk about." Sirius crossed his arms, shaking his head.

"There could be." Remus admitted. "But I don't want to get into it now, and I don't want it to be like this. And for the record, I don't appreciate the word queer. I suggested that you leave, and now I'm asking you to. We're both getting upset, and I know how we both are when we get upset. I don't want to get into this now."

"And what if I do?" Sirius was still glaring, and now Remus could *smell* the anger coming off of him. He gritted his teeth, breathing deeply. Why did these thins happen to him? Why couldn't Sirius have just taken a hint, and left. Why had he even come here in the first place?

"Then give me a few moments so we can both get ourselves under control." Remus said, his voice steely and quiet. It wasn't often he got angry enough that it was obvious from his voice or his actions. But Sirius' attitude and comments had certainly elicited a response in the werewolf.

"Fine." Sirius sat down on Remus' bed, arms folded, eyes still smoldering. Remus sat back down at the table, fingers tapping rapidly on the table top. He took deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. //How did he figure things out? Or was it just suspicion, and I filled in any doubts he had? Or had James let slip something...?// His rapid thoughts were interrupted however, before he could reach a conclusion. The door-which had been only partially closed-swung open again, and there stood Severus, smoking goblet in hand.

"Your potion, Lupin." He said, face and eyes as unreadable as ever. He looked at Remus, black eyes meeting amber, and some form of emotion flicked over them, but was gone in an instant. The slim man looked past Remus to Sirius, sitting on the bed, and a scowl turned down his thin lips. "Interrupting something, am I?" He drawled, lip curling as he glared at Sirius.

"Maybe." Sirius shot back, rising. Remus buried his face in his hands wishing his best friend wasn't such an idiot.

"Sirius just stopped by for a few moments." Remus said, reining in his temper. "You're not interrupting anything."

"Remus, I thought we had agreed on something..." Sirius said darkly.

"We can finish later." Remus said, hoping his voice left no room for argument. He watched Severus' eyes flick from himself to Sirius and back, and hoped that nothing was misinterpreted.

"Here." Severus said, thrusting the goblet in Remus' hands. "Take it quickly. I'll leave you to...whatever it is you were doing."

"Wouldn't you like to know." Sirius snapped, and to Remus' horror, wrapped his arms around the werewolf's waist. Remus' eyes narrowed, and he shrugged himself out of Sirius' embrace, teeth clenched together tightly.

"Not in the least, Black." Severus hissed, angry eyes landing on Remus'. The werewolf shook his head, eyes softening as they met Severus'. //Please....he's just being an ass...there's nothing between us like that...you know that...you *know* you know that...I've made it clear I care about you....I love you...//

But his silent pleading seemed to have no affect. Severus gave a delicate sniff, head titling back a bit to look down his nose at Remus, disdain clear in his eyes. Remus wanted to lunge forward, but Sirius' arms were about him again, and Severus turned on his heel and stalked quickly out of the room, the door slamming behind him. As the wood hit the frame, Remus whirled, golden eyes flashing with anger.

"What in *hell* do you think you're doing?" He growled, voice raising in an angry tone he couldn't remember ever using before. Obviously neither did Sirius, because the dark haired man took a step back, fear flaring up briefly in his eyes.

"I'm looking out for you, is what I'm doing." Sirius said, fear fading quickly and being replaced by anger.

"I can look out for myself, thank you." Remus was certain that icy pitch couldn't have been *him*. His voice was never quite so frosty...

"Obviously not."

"I am not a child, Sirius. I have no need for you-or anyone else for that matter-to hold my hand. I am fully capable of making my own decisions. And quite frankly, my...personal life is none of your business." Remus attempted to regain control of himself, steadying his voice and his thoughts. All the apprehensive giddiness he had felt earlier was gone and forgotten. Remus could hardly believe he had been happy less then half an hour before.

"Your personal life? So does that mean your love life, or just your sex life? Cause either way, that's just sick..."

Remus hadn't meant to hit Sirius. But of it's own accord, his right hand shot out, catching Sirius across the cheek with a loud crack. His whole body was tense, and he knew his eyes were full of fire. Sirius took a step back, hand reaching up to feel the place where Remus' palm had made contact. The werewolf froze, body beginning to quiver.

"Sirius...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..."

"You hit me." The tone and inflection was blank, and empty. Sirius simply stood there stupidly, rubbing his cheek.

"I know...I'm sorry!" Remus drew the offending hand close to his body, frowning in apprehension. He had never lost control like that before. What was wrong with him? he knew damn well what was wrong with him. A culmination of everything that had happened in the past week.

"You hit me." Sirius said again. "You've never hit anyone. You just...don't. You hit me."

"I lost my temper." Remus explained, reaching a tentative hand out to rest on Sirius' arm. "I shouldn't have..."

"No, I think I needed that." Sirius shook Remus' arm away, sitting back down on the bed. He still looked a bit stunned, and Remus hoped he hadn't hit him that hard. He was well aware he often didn't know his own strength. "Maybe I went to far...but god damn it, if what I think is going on..."

"Sirius, please...it really is my business." Soft, almost pleading. Perhaps that would work better with Sirius...

"Yes it is. You're my friend, Remus. You want to fuck guys, that's your business. You want to fuck Snape...that's where I get involved."

"Please don't be so crude." Remus requested, sighing. "And there is nothing like that going on between Severus and myself." Not yet. And probably never. And that was all Sirius was asking about, so it really wasn't a lie. "We're hardly even friends. But we were friends, once. And I am attempting to rekindle that friendship."

"Just friendship?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"What did you and James talk about?" Remus needed to know, before he gave away any information of his own accord.

"Like I said, I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks." Sirius started. "We all knew you were sneaking out at night. You weren't as quiet as you think you were. But we were your friends. We trusted you. We figured you'd tell us what was up. Maybe it had to do with you being a werewolf or something. We didn't know." he shrugged. "But...well, I started paying closer attention to you. I was worried. You were sneaking out almost every night! And I noticed...you were weird around Snape. It wasn't easy to spot, and I probably wouldn't have figured anything out if James hadn't had such a huge crush on Lilly at that point. You acted the same way around Snape that he did around her."

"Did I?" Remus kept his voice mild. It was just suspicion...

"Yeah. I talked to James about it, and he had noticed the same damn thing. But we figured if something like *that* was up, you'd tell us. But you never said anything. And it went on for a while. I didn't like thinking about it, I really didn't. But...it just kept on. And then...you were so fucking pissed off after...you know." Sirius waved his hand vaguely, and Remus nodded. "It was obvious. But I let it go. And I sort of forgot about it after we graduated...you started going around with that girl from the ministry, so I knew you weren't queer. But now..."

"Now what?" Remus asked, determined not to give anything away.

"You're acting the same way." Sirius said. "And I mean...look at it. You mean to tell me you set out doilies and cookies for everyone you have over for tea? I don't think so. And the way you both acted when I put my arms around you like that...if Snape wasn't jealous, then I need to get my eyes checked. So...you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Not really, considering your earlier reaction." Remus folded his arms, facing Sirius. "I can assure you...Severus has no affections for me."

"And how do you know that?" Sirius asked, skeptically.

"Damn you!" Remus wanted to tear his own hair out. "Because he as much told me, all right? There. Are you happy now? Yes, Severus and I were more then just friends in school. Yes, I still have feelings for him. Yes, I'm sexually attracted to other men. Yes, I am attempting to rekindle the relationship. Is there anything else you'd like to know, or does that cover it all?"

"I think that covers it." Sirius didn't sound angry...exactly. Slightly disgusted, yes. Hurt, also. "You could have told me." He snapped, defensively.

"About my sexuality, or Severus?"

"You liking guys." It came out more of a grumble then a sentence.

"Nothing you ever said indicated you'd be comfortable with it."

"Yeah, well I would have dealt with it. For god's sake, Remmie...Snape?"

"Yes, Sirius. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't judge me or condemn me for my choice in...partners." Remus sat on the bed next to his friend.

"I can't help it. I hate the bastard, and you know it. I always have. Even before...you know. He's a bastard, and a cheat, and a..."

"That's enough." Remus' voice was firm.

"Fine. But you're just going to get the same shit you got in school. Dumped you real quick when he found out what you were, didn't he? And you still...." It seemed Sirius couldn't even say it.

"Yes. I still care for him." Remus said it more to get Sirius used to the idea then to upset him. "I can't not, Sirius. My kind...we don't have a choice in our affections. And it's really not something I enjoy talking about. What happened in school hurt me deeply. A lot more so then you know. And I think it hurt Severus as well. I wouldn't know, we've hardly spoken since the incident. We spoke some last night...he heard me out, at least. And..." Well, Remus wasn't going to tell Sirius that.

"Oh." Was all the response the black haired Gryffindor could give. "I still think you're barking mad."

"I know. That's fine."

"God Remmie...I didn't care you were a werewolf. I'm not going to care if you're queer. I still can't believe you didn't tell me. Did James know?"

"I think he figured it out on his own." Remus nodded. He needed time to think. God....what did Severus think? That history was repeating itself? That Remus was still simply toying with him, even after all of these years? Why did Sirius insist on making a mess of things? "Now....I'm still rather angry about what you just did. Severus and I are at a very delicate place right now. I've made a little progress, but I think you just completely negated it. It's going to take a lot of work on my part to fix things."

"Hope you can't..." Sirius mumbled, and Remus was certain he wasn't meant to hear. Sirius often forgot about his friend's heightened hearing.

"Well, I hope I can. Now, please go Sirius." Remus rose, opening the door for his friend. Sirius just gave him an odd look, shook his head, and left without saying goodbye.

//I want love, but it's impossible //

// A man like me so irresponsible. //

//A man like me is dead in places//

//Other men feel liberated//

The slamming of the door echoed through the dungeon loudly, a harsh clash of wood on stone. Severus Snape stormed into his rooms, robes and hair flying out behind him. He had managed to keep his pace to it's usual sedate glide until he reached his own corridor. Then he had quickened his pace, hands clenching into fists, sneer turning downwards even more so, and angry redness rising on his usually pale cheeks.

//Of all the...stupid, bastardly, sluttish....// He paced rapidly about his room, hands clasped behind his back. It had been a very long time since he had felt so angry, so...betrayed. //There is no reason for this! There was nothing there for Lupin to betray. If he wants to screw Black, that's his business.// But the betrayal was there, as stinging and sharp as it had been so many years ago.

//I suppose I should have expected something like this.// Snape threw himself down into an overstuff armchair, propping his chin up with his hand and staring gloomily into the unlit hearth of his fireplace. //It happened before, it was going to happen again. I suppose this was all some elaborate scheme of Black's. The bastard would pull something like this. Why...why did I admit I loved him?//

Under all the anger and pain, there was surprise. //I had no idea Black swung that way. He had always seemed the last...and didn't Lupin once *say* the man was...prejudiced?// Well, obviously not. Snape realized his fingernails were digging into his palms. He couldn't get Black's lecherous sneer out of his mind. And the way he had curled himself around Remus, pulling the other man so close, so intimately...

//Why is this bothering you? There is no good reason. You certainly didn't fall for whatever they had planned. I am assuming they had planned on me falling for Lupin again. The same trick, only with different packaging. Too bad for them. I am not so easily swayed. They deserve each other...//

But a part of him knew damn well his irritation had little to do with that. There had been a small part of him that was willing to allow for the possibility things could still be made right. But that had been dashed, killed by the cruel glint in Black's mahogany eyes.

//Do not think of it. Do something to take your mind off of it. Read.// That was a good idea. Rising, Snape made his way over to his bookshelf. He let his eyes scan the titles, looking for something he hadn't read in a while. He had a generous collection of both wizarding and muggle books. His gaze fell on an old and battered book, a muggle novel. One of his favorites, that he hadn't read since he'd been hardly more then a boy. He didn't believe in constantly re-reading books. It wore them out, and was pointless.

//Sherlock Holmes should do the trick.// Snape pulled the faded book from it's place, trying to remember the last time he had read this particular piece of work. He found he couldn't. Not to mention the story itself had escaped him. //Hound of the Baskervilles...you know this one...// But his mind refused to work. His thoughts were jumbled and incoherent, and he could not focus on one thing. Book clasped firmly in his hand, he returned to his chair.

//A fire. You need a fire.// He took up his wand, and soon a roaring fire bathed the room in orange tinged light. Snape poured himself a glass of wine, and picked up the book. He flipped it open, and a yellowed sheet of parchment fluttered out and fell to the floor.

//What in the...?// Snape bent, plucking the parchment from where it had fallen on the floor. He frowned, laying the book on his lap and unfolding the fragile thing. He couldn't for the life of him think what it could be. He was an organized person, not one for simply stashing things where he could find a place. He smoothed it out, noting the sprawling, delicate handwriting the flowed over the page.

//Dear god...this can't be....no...// Immediate instinct was to toss the whole thing into the flames. Just destroy it, not to read it, not to think on it...but his hands did not toss it away. Instead he found himself reading it, remembering when it had first made its way into his hands.

Twilight dances in on soft cloudy slippers,

offering me small silver cups of moonlight and warm sprinklings of stardust

captured in a small petal of the crushed lavender corsage in my bosom

here it lays, silken like the amber nectar of my lover's careful touch,

the tears in his eyes gleaming with the melancholy reflection of nymph's flight in clear, still water

how I long to wade into that liquid silk rising up along my legs

soaking the white gauze of my gown

in a fateful attempt to seduce me as it did Ophelia, so many years ago

fair sprig of rosemary!

these floral vines are for you, my love

twist them to your cold moonlit stone

trod upon by my bare feet in the lonely nave

these horrid marble eyes whispering horrid truths

fair cotton dove!

why whilst thou tarry so long beneath these fine melodies?

An old poem, written by some muggle author. Remus had given it to him, on some rather important date. Shyly handing it to Snape, mumbling something about how it just made him think of them. Why, Snape had no idea. Well, some of it made sense now, he supposed. it truly was a beautiful poem. There was a certain haunting-ness about it, an almost Shakespearean quality.

//Stop being so bloody sentimental!// Snape admonished himself. He didn't even know why he had kept the damn thing. But he had. He had shoved it in that book....the night he had discovered what Lupin was. The night after he had gotten the stupid thing. The night after they had made love...

//That is certainly not something you want to think about.// But it wasn't something he *couldn't* think about, either. Unfortunately sleeping with Lupin was something he would live with for the rest of his life. They did say one always remembered their first.

It had been a long thought out decision, as well. Snape hadn't simply decided to give up his virginity on a whim. He had never been a truly intimate person, not with Remus. He couldn't bring himself to be. Sex had always been, to him, something dirty. Something that wasn't done for pleasure or out of love, but for money and necessity. And that wasn't even sex, it was...well, whatever it was it was nothing he had wanted to associate with Remus. He had loved him, at that point. With a sort of deep and quiet passion that he could never express with words.

He hadn't exactly gone onto the grounds that night expecting to lose his virginity. He knew he would do it, and soon, but he hadn't thought quite so soon. Their intimacy had been rather tame, up to that point. Kissing and cuddling, and once Remus had advanced it to some mild petting. But other then that, Snape had not been willing to let the relationship go any further. He enjoyed the closeness they shared, both physical and emotional, but could not get passed the connotations sex had for him. He was no stranger to it, certainly. How could he be, the son of a whore and a whore himself?

//A fine mess you've gotten yourself into...// Snape sighed, re-reading the poem. //Maudlin piece of tripe...// But it really wasn't. It was beautiful and touching, and for some odd reason it *did* make Snape think of them. //It was not meant to be. And it will never be, because you no longer care for the man, and he certainly does not care for you, regardless of what he may have led you to believe.//

There was a knock at the door, timid and almost reluctant. Snape didn't need Trewlany's inner eye to know who it would be. //Damn the man. What now? The same old song and dance, I suppose.// Snape shoved the poem back into the book. He would not be caught in such a pose. What would Lupin think....finding him with *that*? Better to act unaffected, aloof.

"Come in." Snape called, picking up his glass of wine. His face schooled itself into a blank mask, and he stared fixedly at the flames.

"Severus, about what you saw...it wasn't what you thought..."

//Not even a hello. Rude as well as a prat.// Snape said nothing, only took another sip of his wine. He really didn't care what Lupin had to say, what lies he would spin to work his way out of this.

"Sirius...Sirius is just looking out for me."

"And that is connected with his little display of affection how?" Snape drawled, glancing over his shoulder. Lupin looked worn and drawn, and there was an anxiousness to his features.

"Because...he doesn't want me...carrying on. With you." A faint blush crept over the tawny haired man's face, and his golden eyes dropped downwards. Snape scoffed, lips curling.

"Then I am sure he was pleased to discover that you are not. If that is all you have to say, please leave me to my peace."

"Severus..." Even his pleading was polite! Snape closed his eyes, praying for patience. He was coming close to losing his temper. //Why does he persist? Is he some sort of emotional masochist?//

"Lupin, I do not care who you do what with. I see no reason why you are justifying your relationship with Black to me." He stood up, folding his arms and facing the werewolf. He wanted Lupin gone. How dare the man invade his private chambers to continue this foolish game of theirs!

"I am not doing anything with Sirius!" Lupin said, and there was a hint of angry exasperation in his voice. "I have no relationship with him. He's my friend. He found out about us, in school, and he's worried about me. That's all there is to it. He was just trying to scare you away."

"Scare me away? Away from what? I'm not near anything." Snape said, rather coldly. //This is getting old. *We* are getting old. It is time to end this.//

"Maybe you aren't, but I am." Lupin said, eyes flashing in the firelight. They met Snape's defiantly, glowing with red flecks in the violent light. There was a determination there that unnerved Snape, and made him want to take a step backwards. But he would not show fear in front of the man. If anything, he would meet that defiance with his own. Stare him down...that was what worked with beasts, wasn't it? They stood there, neither one speaking or moving, staring strait into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity.

//He will break you.// Snape clenched his jaw, but did not look away. He had stared down many an unruly student, and many a fellow death eater. But...those golden eyes were still smoldering with an frightening intensity. He could feel himself start to quiver, just barely, under that gaze. He tried to study Lupin's face, to take his mind off of it. He had acquired a weathered look, tiny lines formed around those beautiful eyes and at the corners of his mouth. There was white in his tawny hair, slim streaks intermingled with cinnamon. His features were the same. Rather strong jaw, high cheekbones, hair as shaggy as ever..

It took Snape a moment or two to realize that Lupin was moving. He had taken a step forward, eyes not leaving Snape's. //Now would be a good time to back away...// Was he attacking? Had Snape finally pushed the right buttons, finally pushed the werewolf beyond his level of control. He was getting frighteningly close. He was right before Snape, who still refused to back away. //Oh dear lord...what is he going to do...no....//

The potions master knew he should have backed away. He clenched his fists, staring strait ahead, not moving a muscle of his body as Lupin pressed his lips against his. It was a rather chaste kiss, the simple placing of lips on lips. Snape did nothing. He stood, stock still, jaw rigid throughout the kiss. Lupin's hands were on his shoulders, his body leaning in, aligning itself along Snape's. Still, the black haired man did not move. //This will affect me no more then anything else he has tried.// That was not promising, as everything else had elicited quite a reaction.

"There's...nothing, is there?" Lupin's voice cracked as he spoke, his face still very close to Snape's, so he could feel the breath of the words on his lips. That voice. It was full of fear and pain and the same old acceptance. It was only then that Snape looked away his eyes falling to stare at the floor between their feet. //Of course there's not nothing, you fool. But there will be nothing.//

"You don't want this." Snape said softly, knowing he didn't sound as harsh as he had meant it. "Now please....go."

"How do you know what I want?" Lupin asked. His hands were still on Snape's shoulders, and he had angled himself closer yet again.

"I know what I am, Lupin, and that is something you do not want." //I am as much a monster as you. Be gone, I swear it...you've never killed, not a human. I have. I've killed more muggles and wizards alike then you'd imagine. I can name them all, if you want me to...//

"What? A bitter old man?" There was amusement there.

"A Death Eater, Lupin." There was no dancing around the issue. And it wasn't exactly a secret anymore. Lupin already knew he was a spy, why not confess the rest?

"What?" A step back, confusion clouding those beautiful golden eyes.

"You heard me. Why do you think I work as a spy? I already have Voldemort's trust because I was once one of his most devoted servants. No longer, of course." Whatever moment they had been sharing was over now. Broken by that confession.

"I...why?"

"Why not? I've no desire to justify myself to you, nor a need. Now...I am asking you again, to leave me be. Please, Remus." He was a man ruled and moved by tenderness. If that was what Snape would have to employ to get him to leave, so be it.

"How long?"

"What?" Snape raked his hair out of his eyes, shoulders slumping. Obviously getting rid of the werewolf wasn't going to be as easy as he'd hoped.

"I don't know...a few years." Snape shrugged, turning away. "I told you...I have no desire to discuss it."

"Was it....because of.."

"No." A short, clipped word. //Self centered, are we? Taking the blame for everything that's gone wrong in my life? You think rather highly of yourself, don't you, to assume so much.//

"Severus...if you really want me to go, I'll go."

"But you will be back." Snape said, turning back again.

"Not if you ask me to stay away." There was defeat there now. As heart wrenching as it had ever been. //Are you so cold? You cannot allow yourself this...he has gone out of his way to prove to you his feelings.//

"I ask you...to leave me be right now." Snape finally said, choosing his words carefully. //Perhaps my admission to being a Death Eater did work.// He didn't know if he wanted Lupin to stay away for good. Things were confused now. He reached into his pocket, fingers closing around a delicate length of filigree. He tended to fidget with it when he was nervous.

"As you wish." Lupin inclined his head, regarding Snape with a myriad of emotions in his eyes. They had always been so expressive. Snape simply nodded, not trusting himself to speak. How had he allowed this to happen? How had he allowed himself to feel...//You have grown soft. And that will be your downfall.// He heard the door closing, softly, and he was alone again in his rooms.

"Damn him!" He shouted to the empty air, kicking his chair. He would never show such a blatant display of emotion in company, but alone...He dropped into his chair, allowing himself a few moments to sulk. He pulled the poem out of the book, fingers running over the soft paper. Had it been the poem, that made up his mind to give himself to Lupin? Perhaps...

~Hogwarts, 5th year~

Severus regarded Remus with a raised eyebrow. They were sitting together in a small copse of trees, blocked from view on a spread out blanket Remus had brought with him.

"A poem?" Severus asked, eyes falling again to the piece of paper he held in his hand.

"I found it...in a book. It just, I don't know, made me think of you. Us." Remus shrugged, staring down at his hands. It was a very pretty poem. Severus nodded, folding it neatly and slipping it into his pocket.

"Thank you." He said, reaching up to cup the side of Remus' face. He rubbed his thumb along the smooth skin of the other boy's cheek, searching his beautiful amber eyes for...what, exactly? He couldn't say. He found there embarrassment, and tenderness. He leaned in, brushing his lips against Remus'. They were soft, and faintly chapped. He closed his eyes, thinking of nothing but the supple pair of lips beneath his own. Remus moved beneath him, titling his head for a better angle. It wasn't often they engaged in anything more then solitary kisses, but it was an unusually warm night, and there was simply something about Remus. A certain...glow. Severus shifted, moving closer, his hand sliding around to cup the back of the Gryffindor's head.

There was something magic in the kiss. It tugged at Severus' heart, pulling him deeper and closer. //I love him.// He realized. The sudden thought urged him onwards, tongue darting out to slide along Remus' lips. He tangled his hand in the soft tawny hair, pulling Remus closer to him, legs tangling together as they struggled for purchase.

"Sev..." Remus murmured, and Severus took the opportunity to breech the barrier of lips and teeth, stroking his tongue against Remus' in an erotic gesture. The simple sliding of tongue against tongue was oddly arousing. It was warm and wet and slippery, but not in a bad way. Severus' hands ran over Remus' back, grasping at the muscles he found beneath. His thigh was pressed against Remus', and he was amazed at the hard strength he found there. He tore his lips away, but pressed them instead to the smooth skin of jawbone and neck. He wanted to share his emotional discovery, but knew there was no way he would ever be able to verbally *admit* his affection.

Remus was wearing his pajamas. He tended to do that. Severus pulled at the buttons, and he looked up into Remus' eyes, smiling slightly at the confusion and happiness he found there. They had never gone quite this far. There had been a few rather intense kissing sessions, and once Severus had allowed Remus to touch him. But other then that, their physical relationship was rather tame. Now, the Slytherin was ready for more. He ran his fingers along the smooth skin of Remus' chest, tracing the detail of abdomen and pectorals. He stared, devouring the sight of the smooth, lightly tanned flesh. He licked along Remus' throat, shuddering as he did so.

"Make love to me." He said, black eyes flashing up to meet a surprised gaze.

"Sev...are you sure?" Remus ran his hand through Severus' hair, biting at his lower lip.

"Of course I'm sure. I wouldn't have asked you to, if I wasn't." To silence the other boy, he captured his mouth in a searing kiss, hoping to banish any doubts Remus may have. He wanted this, needed this. This he could share with Remus. And then Remus was easing him down, on his back, and kissing him tenderly, and muttering soft assurances in his ear. They were a tangle of lips and limbs, bodies pressed as closely together as they could manage. Remus was on top of Severus, lips buried in his throat, hand sliding along his thigh. They were both shirtless, and Severus caressed Remus' back, sliding his palm over spine and curve of buttock, to trail along his thigh. This was good, and right, and there was nothing dirty about it.

Remus was kissing down his chest, soft wet carress' that made Severus gasp and quiver. And then he was undoing his jeans, sliding them down off of slim, pale hips, tossing them aside. Severus turned his head away, for some reason not able to watch Remus as he watched him. Then he felt a hand, touching him, stroking him...he bit his lip, not able to stop his hips from arching upwards. The hand was taken away, and Severus looked over at Remus...what was he doing? Oh. Remus had knelt, sliding his own pants off, smiling shyly as he did so. Severus' eyes widened as he looked upon smooth, toned flesh.

"You're...beautiful." Severus whispered, and Remus blushed.

"So are you."

The blonde Gryffindor stretched himself out over Severus, kissing him again, and the Slytherin could feel all of his lover pressed against him, and he moaned into his lips. He wrapped his arms around Remus' back, closing his eyes and giving himself over to the tender kisses and light carress'. Then Remus' lips were on the column of his neck, the hollow of his throat, tracing down his sternum, light nipping at his hips, and then Remus' mouth was on him...

"No..." Severus mumbled, pushing the Gryffindor's head away.

"No?" Remus looked up, brow forroughing in confusion. Severus shook his head, smiling in what he hoped was an offhand manner. Remus nodded, chewing his bottom lip again. //Please don't ask to explain. I can't...you're not like that.// The tawny head dipped again, but this time lower, and his tongue was...waves of pleasure swept over Severus, and he cried out involuntarily. Remus' tongue was...inside of him. Warm and insistent and amazing. And then it was gone, but it was replaced by something else...Remus' finger, probing gently before sliding in. Severus grunted, it wasn't that bad. He swallowed hard, Remus' finger moving slightly. A second was added, and that hurt. Severus bit his lip hard, to keep from crying out. At least it seemed Remus was wetting his fingers.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked, concern coloring his voice. Severus just nodded, hands gripping the blanket tightly. A third finger, stretching him to what he thought was the breaking point. He squirmed, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. Then they were withdrawn, leaving only a dull and slightly empty feeling. And Remus was stretching himself out again, and Severus drew up his legs, planting his feet firmly on the blanket, eyes still closed. Remus did nothing, simply kissed Severus deeply, nipping at his lips.

"Please..." Severus mumbled, tilting his head back. He thought perhaps Remus nodded, and then there was a pressing warmth against him, sliding in slowly....then pain. Hot, flashing, blinding pain that burst behind his eyes in a flash of red. He tensed, and that didn't make things any better. He could feel himself tightening around Remus, and heard his lover gasp. Remus slid in, pausing every so often, and then he was inside of him completely. Severus closed his eyes, hands gripping at Remus' back, fingers sliding on slippery smooth skin. And Remus began thrusting in and out, slowly and rhythmically. It still hurt, but not as badly. And the pain was dulling, melding into something else, something that felt good.

"Remus..." Severus moaned, arching himself involuntarily, groaning with pleasure at the sensations that were washing over him. The pain was overlaid by pleasure, intense and pure. And Remus was stroking him, his hand moving in time to his thrusts, and Severus couldn't bring himself to push that hand away...Remus' pace was increasing, and they were both moaning loudly now, not caring anymore. And then he felt Remus climax inside of him, and it was incredible, and then he was climaxing himself, crying out Remus' name as he did so.

They lay together, Remus collapsed on top of him, still inside of him. They were exhausted, sated and silent. Severus was breathing deeply, arms draped over Remus. He couldn't move. He didn't want to move. Everything seemed right. He had never felt so complete, so whole. In that moment he didn't care about anything, other then the man in his arms. And that was all that mattered.

//Desperate for changing, starving for truth.//

//I'm closer to where I started, in chasing after you.//

//I'm falling even more in love with you.//

//Letting go of all I've held onto.//

//I'm standing here until you make me move.//

//I'm hanging by a moment here with you.//

Remus didn't talk to Sirius for a few days after the incident. Nor did he talk to Severus. Dumbledore hadn't called any more meetings, and they were pretty much left to their own devices. Remus stayed in his room, reading. He had decided not to push the issue. With either of the two men. He felt as though he had made a good bit of ground with Severus, despite Sirius' intervention. But there were other reasons he didn't want to speak with Severus.

//I'm getting somewhere.// He told himself. //A Death Eater. God, I had no idea.// Remus was curled up in his bed with a large book, a muggle horror novel, but he found he couldn't focus. He had lost the thread of the story a few chapters back, and was only still reading because he had nothing better to do. He glanced down at the page, and wrinkled his brow in confusion.

//When did the little boy disappear? And isn't the woman with the dolls dead?// He closed the book, rubbing the bridge of his nose. //A Death Eater. Not just a spy.// He couldn't quite get that out of his mind. He knew it was true. He had looked it up. Severus had been tried, but found innocent at Dumbledore's intervention. And why would he lie, anyway? Remus doubted he would say something like that simply to scare him away. //A Death Eater.// Remus wrapped his blanket more tightly about him, and stared idly out the window. It was sleeting out, grey and depressing.

//Why?// That was what he couldn't figure out. Why had Severus gone over to Voldemort? What had he been offered, what had drawn him? And what had made him turn back? //It doesn't matter.// Remus told himself, firmly. //It's in the past. It's done. He's still the man you fell in love with. Everyone makes mistakes.// But there was still a twinge of doubt. This confession didn't stop Remus from loving Severus, nothing short of death would do that. But it did...mute things.

//He is a good man.// He thought. //He is risking his life for us. He wouldn't do that, if he weren't a good person. He just...// But without knowing the whole story, Remus really couldn't justify it. But he knew that Severus was, deep down, a good person. But he had been a Slytherin...there was just too much Remus didn't know.

//I'll have to talk to him about it.// Remus decided. He couldn't make another move without knowing. //But...not yet. I still need time.//

There was a knock, at his door, and Remus wrinkled his brow curiously. //Who would be visiting me?// He doubted-though a part of him hoped-that it was Severus. It was most likely Dumbledore. Or possibly even Harry. The young man stopped by to visit every so often, and share a cup of tea.

"Come in." He said, tilting his head in an inquisitive manner. The door opened slowly, and in slouched a rather depressed and abashed looking Sirius. Ah. Remus schooled his features into a calm mask, blank and emotionless. He folded his hands in his lap, an expectant silence stretching between them.

"M sorry." Sirius mumbled, staring down at the floor. Remus didn't say anything. He wasn't going to let Sirius get off that easily. The man had given many apologies in his lifetime, and few of them sincere. The werewolf knew better then to accept an apology on word alone. He kept his eyes focused on the other man though, knowing that if he just kept staring and not talking, Sirius would offer up as much information as he had.

//This is really rather rich. I think he may actually feel bad about what he did, if only for the fact that it drove me away for a few days.//

"I didn't..." Sirius mumbled, and then ran both of his hands through his hair, sighing. "Can I sit down?"

"Yes." Remus scooted over, offering space on the bed. He wanted Sirius close, to decipher what he could from his scent. The black haired man shuffled over, hands in his pockets, and sat down. Remus inhaled deeply, and was rather surprised.

//He really does feel badly about this.// Sirius' scent was tinged with guilt and shame and regret. And it was obvious from his body language as well. He refused to meet Remus' eyes, and he kept his head tilted down. This was actually bothering him.

"I shouldn't have done that." Sirius said, sighing deeply.

'But you did." Remus pointed out calmly. All in all, he was still rather upset about it. Not as much as he had been, and now he could at least see the good that had come of it. He wouldn't have gone to Severus, certainly wouldn't have kissed him, if it hadn't been for Sirius little outburst.

"I know, and I said I was sorry." Sirius snapped.

"Sirius...sorry isn't going to make anything better." The werewolf said it gently, not wanting to upset Sirius. When the other man got upset, he got rather irrational.

"I know that, but I was sorry so I told you."

"Why are you sorry?" It was a valid question. And Sirius would tell the truth, because Remus would know if he was lying.

"Because this pissed you off, and I don't like seeing you upset." Sirius shrugged. "I didn't think it was that big a deal."

"It was a big deal Sirius, and it still is." Remus placed a hand on Sirius' arm, taking a deep breath himself. He supposed, since Sirius was so deeply involved now, he could tell him everything.

"Why?"

"I was hoping you'd ask that." Remus gave a small, weak smile. "I love Severus. No, don't say anything, just please let me talk. I can't not love him. He's in my blood now. He's my mate. We werewolves don't have much choice when it comes to love. We mate for life, the bond forged until death. I fell in love with him in school. And once we fall in love...that's it." He shrugged, trying to pass it off as if it wasn't a big deal.

"You're kidding?" Sirius looked at him out of the corner of his eye, disbelief evident.

"I wish I was." Remus sighed. "I think, had things gone differently, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"You really think so?" Sirius asked. "You really think he wouldn't have figured out what you ere?"

"I would have told him, Sirius." Remus replied. "I was planning on telling him. I just...I wanted to wait."

"It's half your fault you know." Sirius said, suddenly defensive. "If you had said something..."

"But you suspected." Remus countered. "And you...proceeded anyway."

"Yeah...well..." Sirius dismissed it with a wave of his hand, mumbling under his breath so quietly and indistinctly that even Remus couldn't quite catch what he was saying.

"I don't think you did irreparable damage." Remus admitted after a long silence. "I...I went to speak with him. I don't think I left him with any doubt of my feelings. I think there is a slight chance of...something." He chose his words carefully, not wanting to send Sirius into another angry fit.

"Oh." Sirius nodded. "I don't understand it, and I never will."

"I'm not asking you to." Remus laid his hand again on Sirius' arm, squeezing. "I'm just asking you to act mature and rationally about the situation, that's all."

"Mmm." Sirius sighed, placing his hand over Remus'. "It's...it's going to take me a while to get used to this."

"I understand. There are things I have to get used to, as well."

"I just want you to be careful. Snape's a...I mean, you know what he was, don't you?" //So it wasn't a secret.// Remus nodded, slowly.

"Yes. I'm aware of his...past affiliations."

"And I know he's spying for us now, but...you know what they say. Old habits die hard."

"I know. But I also know Severus is a good man, capable of tenderness and love."

"And that's not something I need to hear." Sirius mad a disgusted face, and shook his head.

"Oh, come off it. It's not like I'm detailing our intimate encounters..."

"I *really* don't want to hear about those!" Sirius said, shuddering. "Those are mental pictures I can do without."

"Which is why I won't say a thing." Remus said, impishly. Sirius kept glancing out of the corner of his eyes, and his stance told Remus there were things he still wanted to know. "What is it?" He asked, not feeling like sitting in silence for who knew how long. It seemed Sirius was calming down, somewhat.

"Did you ever...I mean...you didn't...you know. Did you?" The last was asked with a plaintive tone, as if begging Remus to say no.

"Once." Remus admitted. He saw no reason to lie. Sirius made a face, and shuddered in an exaggerated manner.

"Ew...Remmie!" He whined, lips curling in distaste. "Ew..."

"Not really. But I'll spare you the details."

"Thank you!" Sirius shook his head. "Ew. When?"

"The night before your little 'prank'." Remus said softly. Sirius' manner changed, went back to guilty and repentant.

"Oh."

"Another reason for my anger." At least Sirius understood things now. And perhaps they could simply make a joke of it. That happened often enough.

"Yeah, okay, I get it now." Sirius said. "You can stop talking about it."

"I'm sorry." Remus grinned slightly. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For taking the time to understand." Remus hugger Sirius briefly and tightly about the shoulders. The other man returned the hug with interest.

"Yeah, well...you're my best friend Remmie. I'll just....I'll look at it like you were going after a really ugly woman. I don't get why, I sure as hell wouldn't, but it's you life."

"Interesting way of looking at things." But Remus didn't care. He had nearly forgiven Sirius for causing such a problem in the first place. In a way, it was easier with him knowing. At least Remus knew he could talk about it, to an extent. And that eased the burden quite a bit. "I'm going to speak to him again soon But I think we both need some time."

"Yeah." Sirius shrugged. "Now...let's forget about the whole thing and go grab something to eat from the kitchens, huh?"

"All right." Remus smiled, and Sirius returned it, and for a moment there was no animosity, no judgment and no disgust. And then Sirius gave another exaggerated shudder, and Remus punched him lightly and playfully on the shoulder. "Come on...kitchens." Things were certainly looking up now. Sirius would, eventually, accept the situation. Though what the situation was, Remus had no real idea. But that would be worked out soon. All in all, it hadn't been an unsuccessful day.

//I've been living to see you,//

//Dying to see you but it shouldn't be like this.//

//This was unexpected.//

//What do I do now?//

//Could we start again please?//

Remus hadn't spoken to Severus since that day. And all in all, the Potions Master was getting a bit worried. //I didn't really mean to drive him away...// But it seemed that was exactly what he had done. His confession of being a Death Eater had worked better then he'd expected. The amiable looks and gentle touches on his arm that he had resented from the other man were now missed.

//Damn him to a million fiery hells!// Severus thought to himself, hands gripping a handful of essays tightly. He was in his office, attempting to get work done. It seemed that was all he ever did. *Attempt* to work. Lupin kept insinuating himself into his thoughts. And not in the way he used to. Oh, Snape was still angry at the man, but now he was angry that he was ignoring him.

//It's for your own good.// He told himself. //You're too cold, too bitter. You've done too much he can never accept.// But that was all just speculation. //Simply because you couldn't accept him...//

He quashed that line of thought as soon as it made itself known. He would blame himself for many things, but turning away from Lupin on discovery of his lycanthropy was not one of them. Any sane man would have done the same. It may have been different, had the blasted man just told him up front. And the reasonings behind that were purely maudlin.

But those were not the directions Snape's mind was want to wander in of late. He thought more of recent events, most especially that damn kiss. It had affected him far more then he wanted to admit. And not only because it was the first intimate contact he had had in years. He did still feel for Lupin. He couldn't deny it any longer. But now, once he had finally admitted it, Lupin was ignoring him. How was he supposed to proceed? Damn that Black...stupid man was always trying to ruin his life....

//If it is bothering you so much, talk to the damn man!// But Snape couldn't. It was Lupin who had started it, it was Lupin who must finish it. Snape's pride wouldn't allow him to be the first to bend. //And if Lupin does not bend?// Then the answer was clear. The relationship simply didn't mean all that much to Lupin after all, and there was no point bemoaning it. It was as simple as that. But Snape was finding it harder and harder to be cold about the situation.

//This is not good.// He decided that was an understatement. Even his thoughts were losing their sharp edge, and that did not please him in the least. All because of one man. Well, if he were honest with himself, it was two. Black was as much to blame as Lupin. He couldn't seem to keep his nose out of other people's business. Then and now, it was Black's doing. //No. He will not drive us apart this time. If I have to Snape his neck with my bare hands, Black will not have his way in this!//

Violent thoughts. Those were far more familiar and comforting. He indulged in a brief fantasy of choking the life out of the muscle bound Gryffindor, feeling the tendons stretch and pop beneath his fingers, feel the sinews tighten and twist in his grasp...it did wonders to calm him down. Idle fancy, but pleasant nonetheless.

//In truth, you know it is no ones fault but your own.// But truth was not something Snape dealt in. He was a spy. He was as good at deceiving himself as he was at deceiving others. He had lied to himself most of his life. On the streets, telling himself there was no shame in what he was doing. Turning to Voldemort, telling himself there was no other course, the Dark Lord was a true and just master. And then, when he turned back, telling himself it was for more then to save his own skin...

//it's in the past. It's all in the past and buried.// Snape needed to keep the past where it belonged. But he did miss Lupin. No matter how he lied to himself, he had missed the man. How could he not? He had loved him. No matter the betrayal, no matter the cooling of a youths passion, he missed him. He had done what he could to forget, but that longing was still there. And stronger now then it had ever been. All because of a kiss. A chaste, hesitant, sweet kisss...

He was shaken out of his reverie by a loud, almost reluctant knock on his door. His head jerked in the direction of the sound, and he stood, one hand reaching up to smooth back his hair the other straitening his robes. It wasn't the knock of a student. It could, very well, be Remus. Come to speak with him at last. The thought delighted and terrified Snape at once. He crossed swiftly to the door, and flung it open with little ceremony.

At first, he thought that his earlier fancies were evolving into full scale delusions. That was the only reason he could think that Sirius Black would be standing outside his office, looking as though he were being dragged to the executioners block. But the sullen face, large Gryffindor was very much solid. Snape sneered, eyebrow raising.

"What do *you* want?" He snapped.

"Let me in." Was Sirius' gruff reply.

"Give me one reason why I should?"

"Because!" Sirius gritted his teeth, jaw muscle clenching conspicuously. "I want to talk to you." He growled.

"There is absolutely nothing you could say to me that I wish to hear." Snape made to close the door, but Sirius stuck his foot in it, catching it strongly.

"About Remus."

Snape's eyes flashed, narrowing to glittering black slits. If Black thought that *that* would entice Snape to let him in, he was sadly mistaken. In fact, it only served to anger Snape more.

"You prove my point yourself." Snape said, trying to force the door. But Sirius had added his weight to the door, effectively keeping it open. "You have nothing to say that I wish to hear."

"Just shut up and listen to me, Snape." Sirius said, pushing the door open and shoving Snape briskly out of the way, entering the office uninvited.

"Get out of my office!"

"No. I came all the way down here, to talk to *you*, so you're going to listen. And you're not going to tell a soul I was here."

"Oh...threatening me, are you?" This was familiar territory. Snape could deal with threats and blackmail and the like. He composed himself, folding his arms over his sender form.

"I wish." Sirius dropped down into Snape's chair, propping his feet up on the desk. "Look...I know everything."

"Excuse me?" Snape had no idea what Sirius was getting at. But he wanted him gone. He seemed to be going out of his way to irritate the Potions Master. And it was working. Snape's lips were set in a thin line, and he glared at the other man.

"About you and Remmie." Sirius cleared up. "I know it all."

"And this affects me how?"

"Because..." And her Sirius trailed off. he shrugged off-handedly, and Snape sighed.

"Unless you actually plan to talk, I suggest you do so before I remove you from my office bodily."

"I'd like to see you try." Sirius stretched his arms, his muscles easily visible even through his robe as the flexed. Snape clipped his teeth together in a sing of annoyance.

"Those will do you little good against this." Snape slid his wand out of his pocket, head cocked. "Now talk."

"This isn't easy for me, you know." Sirius snapped. "I hate you."

"and I assure you the feelings are mutual."

"But he doesn't."

"What?" Snape tapped his wand against his palm, black eyes locked on Sirius. The man's foot was on a paper. Hopefully it was one of the Gryffindor's.

"Remmie. He loves you, powers know why."

//So that's what this is all about. Black trying to play match maker.// Snape snorted.

"Is that all?" Snape remained unmoved. He wasn't going to let Black know anything. Especially concerning himself and Remus.

"You really are a cold hearted bastard." Sirius swung his feet off he desk. "You don't even care, do you?"

"Whether I care or not is none of your concern." Icy indifference, tinged with haughtiness.

"Fine. I'm just....trying to clean up the mess I made, that's all. I've done my good deed for the day..." He leapt to his feet, a look of disgust on his face. "But I meant what I said...he loves you. And it's killing him. And I don't like seeing my friends hurt."

"Touching." Snape drawled. //Why is he doing this?// The potions master had no reason to trust Black. In fact, every instinct in his body told him *not* to trust the man.

"You could show something!" Sirius yelled. "Instead of just standing there....For god's sake, say something. I bothered to come here..."

"I've nothing to say to you." Snape cut him off quickly.

"No. You don't, do you. Well, it's not me you should be talking to."

"Get out." Snape said, glaring. He crossed his arms, lips set in a thin line. He was unwilling to discuss his personal life with anyone, least of all a man he hated with a passion.

"Fine. Prick." Sirius muttered, brushing by Snape, his look of disgust never fading. He shot a look over his shoulder, as though he couldn't believe that anyone could be so heartless, before leaving, still muttering under his breath.

//What in *hell* was that all about?// Snape busied himself straitening out the papers that Sirius had disrupted. It gave him a sick thrill of pleasure that there was now a solid footprint on Hermione Granger's paper. //So...if he is to believed, Lupin is bothered by this whole situation. But he should come to me himself, not send emissaries to trouble me.// The thought that Black had come on his own never once entered Snape's mind. He simply didn't think the man capable of something like that. But his words had had an affect.

//This is...puzzling.// Snape sat down, templing his fingers. //But the situation cannot be denied. It will not simply go away, if ignored. Something must be done.// But who would be the one who made the first move? It was a delicate game at this point. And Snape knew he didn't have an ace.

//I will give him one more day.// Snape decided. He wasn't sure what he would do after that day, but he knew he couldn't leave things as they were. Perhaps there was a chance to right old wrongs. The past was the past. But the future... //Yes. One more day. Then...then we'll see.//

//.But there's more to it all then just wringing your heart out//
//Over something that keeps on going wrong.//
//No don't sell emotion. You can't find devotion//
//If you're falling apart at the seams.//

//I hope that you smile when you reach your conclusion.//
//I hope that you know just what to say.//
//But if it should mean, that the party's over.//
//You should know that I still love you in my own way.//

Remus wasn't entirely sure how the kitten had found its way under his bed, but the fact remained it was there. Mewling and crying, and pressed up against the wall, it refused to answer to his coaxing. He knew it was a kitten, he could smell it even if he couldn't get a good look at it in the shadows of sheet and wall. He was on his hands and knees, half under the bed, attempting to get his hand around the small ball of fluff.

"What in the name of god?"

Remus jumped at the voice behind him, and hit his head on the slats under the bed. He backed up, rubbing at the sore spot, and turned around. He was rather surprised at the site that greeted him. Severus Snape, arms folded, look of complete confusion and partial disgust on his face, standing inside his doorway.

"Oh. Severus. Hello." He stood up, dusting off his robes and attempting to make himself presentable. //I wonder what he's doing here. Not that I'm complaining. Unless it's to tell me to leave him alone again.//

"What are you doing?" Severus raised an eyebrow, taking in Remus' rather disheveled form.

"Oh...there's a kitten under my bed. I'm trying to get it out, but I think she knows what I am. She's, er, not cooperating." He held up a scratched hand, long white lines across his palm, fingers and the back of his hand. "Not blood, anyway."

"A kitten."

"Er...yes." Remus sighed, raking his hair out of his eyes.

"I assume that is what that god awful noise is?"

"Yes. She seems distressed." Remus licked his lips, a questioning look in his eyes. Then he had a sudden revelation. "Oh! Severus...could you do me a favor?"

"As long as it doesn't involve me getting on my hands and knees."

There was a rather awkward silence when all the implications of the statement sunk in. Remus bit back a smile, and fought very hard to keep all the witty little comments that came to mind inside of his head. //He's just asking for trouble...// But he only smiled in an amused manner, fighting back laughter at the look on Severus' face. //Relax, it wasn't that bad. I've said worse myself.//

"No, don't worry, you get to remain upright." Remus assured the potions master. "I'm going to flush her out. Could you grab her?"

"Grab her?"

"Yes." //Well, he's certainly confused about something. If he weren't, he wouldn't be repeating everything I say.// "I'm going to chase her out from under the bed, but I don't want her running under something else, or out the door. I'd like to try and find her owner."

"Ah. Fine." Severus nodded, and Remus knelt back down on the floor.

"There should be long walking stick hanging on the wall. Pass it to me, please?"

"A walking stick? You aren't *that* old."

"NO, but I find it helps on the few days after my transformation." The smooth shaft of wood was pressed into his outstretched hand, and he slid it in an arc under the bed, lightly catching the startled kitten on the side. It gave a horrendous cry, batted the stick, and darted out.

"Got it!" Severus said, and Remus rose again, to see the head of Slytherin House holding a screaming, clawing, dark brown ball of fur by the scruff of it's neck.

"That's not how you hold a kitten." Remus said, shaking his head. //Now there's a man whose never had a pet.// "Here." Remus crossed the distance between them, hardly thinking about what he was doing. He took Severus' free hand and brought it up to rest under the kitten's rump. "You have to support their lower half, it's the heaviest part of them. You'll hurt their back if you just lift them by the scruff."

Severus just stared at Remus, one eyebrow raised. The werewolf flushed slightly, dropping his hands to his side. //Brilliant move, Remus.//

"I...I had one, once. When I was very young. A kitten, I mean." //I thought we were mad at him, hmm? Or at least un-accepting?// But Remus knew he would never ask for any explanations. If Severus wished to share his life with him, he would do it on his own terms. And Remus would take whatever was given to him.

"How touching. I never saw you with one in school. What happened to it?"

"Oh." Remus sighed, remembering. "After I...was bitten, my parents didn't trust me with her. They gave her away." It was still painful. He had been rather young, and quite attached to Arwen.

"Well, you seem to have acquired another one." Severus said, thrusting the kitten forward. "I doubt your lycanthropy has a thing to do with it, as she is fighting me as much as she was fighting you. And it's a he."

"Not so rough!" Remus took the squirming kitten gently, holding it close to his chest. "He'll calm down in a few moments. It's rather young...and pretty far into the school year. I wonder where he came from?"

"Hmmm? Oh, it might be one of Thomas Kilby's. His tabby had a litter. He's attempting to get rid of them, so I wouldn't worry about returning the thing."

"It's not a thing." Remus said, looking down at the kitten. It had the makings of a very attractive tom. A dark brown, with thick black stripes covering it's back and head. It's eyes were bright green, and his nose dark. "It's a kitten."

"I've no fondness for animals." Severus said airily.

"I know." Remus couldn't let *that* go. He glanced up, watching Severus expression from below lowered lashes. There was a look of pain on his face, fleeting, but there all the same. //I hit a nerve. That's encouraging.//

"I suppose..." Severus said slowly, "I am more of a canine person."

"Surprising." Remus said. "You seem much more the cat type." He grinned, chuckling at the expression on Severus' face. //Yes, I know damn well what you were trying to say. But I'm tired of being the one who lies down and lets everyone else walk all over him. If I want to be difficult, I will be difficult.//

"Well? Are you going to keep it or not?"

"Yes, I think I will keep *him*." Remus stressed the pronoun. "I'll call him..." He frowned. He had named his first kitten Arwen, after the beloved literary character. Well, beloved to him at any rate. "Aragorn."

"Aragorn? As in the outcast king turned ranger?" The look of surprise and disbelief on Severus face was highly amusing.

"Yes. I can't very well name him Arwen. That was my kitten as a child. Aragorn fits."

"It's a *cat*, Remus."

"Really? And here I was thinking it was a bunny..."

"You are impossible."

"Actually, I'm really not." Aragorn had settled down, curling into a ball against Remus' chest. "If you want to review all the facts, *you're* the impossible one."

"I beg to differ."

"Fine." Remus set Aragorn down on the bed, and the kitten made a noise of protest, but curled up and began cleaning himself. "We're both impossible. That better?" Severus said nothing, only shook his head. There was a certain camaraderie that had never been there before. Their banter was lighthearted, rather then vindictive. "Now that that little crisis is over...may I help you with something?" //Why are you here, Sev?//

"Yes. You can." There was a grim determination in Severus' voice, and he took a step forward, black eyes hard. //Uh-oh. This isn't a good sign.// Severus' jaw was tight, and there was a resolute look about him, as though he were gearing himself up to do something he really didn't want to do. Suddenly, without much warning, Remus found himself grabbed about the shoulders.

"Er...?" But Remus was cut off.

"Just be quiet." Severus snapped, fingers digging tightly into Remus' shoulders. He froze, poised to run if the situation turned violent. //He's not angry...// There was no hint of anger in Severus' stance or scent. In fact, Remus couldn't read anything in the other man. His eyes were guarded, as black and unreflecting as obsidian. But in a moment it was not Severus' eyes that concerned Remus, it was his lips. Lips that were suddenly pressed firmly against his own, in a hungry, searching kiss. Remus found himself melting, collapsing forward against Severus' form, closing his eyes and moving his lips beneath Severus'.

//This must be a dream....this can't be happening....// Remus had no idea what to do. It had taken him by surprise. Severus had not responded to his kiss whatsoever, and it had been akin to kissing stone. He certainly wasn't stone now! Remus found himself pulled tightly against a firm, lean body, his lower lip trapped between Severus' before being released, and he was shoved roughly away, held out at arms length.

"I hope...I was helpful..." Remus panted, trying to find his legs after the kiss.

"Mmm." Severus said, eyeing Remus critically. The werewolf was rather thankful that Severus was still holding him, else he felt he would topple over to the floor. His legs were weak, and his breathing shallow. His heart was beating like mad inside of his chest, and his head was pounding. //What is he doing?//

"Care to explain that?"

"I kissed you. No be quiet, I'm thinking."

//Thinking. He can think, after that? *I* can't think. I can hardly breathe.// It had been an amazing kiss. Remus couldn't be sure if it was because of the mechanics of the kiss, or simply because it was his mate kissing him. He looked up to meet those black eyes, hoping to see some hint of compassion, perhaps even love. There was only confusion.

"Severus..."

"I am not an easy man to love, Remus."

That caught him off guard. Remus began to speak, but found he had no words. Severus' hands dropped away from his shoulders, and all of Remus' being screamed out for more contact. //Sev, you have no idea...// But the sheer fact that Severus was indicating there was hope after all. That he might *want* Remus to love him...

"I know." Remus finally said, having found his voice. "But I do."

"As it has been pointed out to me." Dry tone, and Severus sank down into one of the chairs in Remus' room.

"Oh?" //What was that all about?//

"Black...spoke to me. Yesterday. I'd rather not talk about it."

//Oh god...Sirius, what have you done now? But...Sev's here. So it couldn't have been that bad...// Remus reminded himself to thank Sirius later, for whatever he had done to urge Severus here, today.

"All right." Remus lowered himself slowly onto the bed, hand reaching out to stroke Aragorn automatically. "I'd like to give it a try, if you would..."

"I cannot make that decision now." Clipped, almost afraid. Remus nodded. //Well, I can understand that, I suppose. Now really isn't the time to start a relationship. But on the other hand, now is the *best* time. We may not have much more...//

"I understand."

"For the love of god, please stop saying that!"

The sheer emotion shocked Remus. //What's wrong with that? Why did it bother him so...?//

"I'm sorry." Remus bit at his lower lip, an old habit that was coming back.

"Hmmm. More my fault then yours." That was shocking. As much of an apology from Severus as Remus ever expected.

"We...we really don't have much time to decide, Sev."

"I am aware of that, Remus. But...I need a few more days."

Remus nodded. "You know were to find me, when you decide." He wasn't going to push. Pushing would push Severus away, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. //I don't care what you were, what you did. That's behind us now. I've done things I'm not proud of either. We all make mistakes. But your mistakes couldn't have been that bad, they kept you alive.

"Yes." Severus stood, turning to go. Remus leapt to his feet. //You're not getting away that easily...//

"But don't feel you need to keep away from me, in the meantime." He laid a hand on Severus shoulder, even that amount of contact sending warm waves of pleasure through his body.

"Mmm." Severus turned, perhaps to say something more. Remus moved quickly, catching Severus in a heartfelt kiss. //You opened the door...// He needed everything he could get. That dull, aching inside of him was almost gone. He tangled his hand in Severus' hair, fingers sliding through thick, black softness. He nipped at Severus' lower lip, sliding his tongue along the moist petals of flesh, before pulling away.

"I'll see you later?" Hope in his voice.

"Perhaps." And with that, Severus was gone again.

//Come cover me with you//
//For the thrill till you will take me in//
//Come comfort me in you//
//Young love must live twice only for us.//

Things were catapulting out of control now. Severus knew that, but was used to it happening. It had happened so many years ago, when he had joined Lord Voldemort. He had ended up caught up in something that threatened to sweep him away. Something he had deliberated over entering into, something he knew could be a horrible idea, but something he felt was the right decision regardless. Joining the Death Eaters had been one of the worst decisions of his life. Would Remus Lupin be any better?

//I suppose I ought to tell him everything.// Remus deserved at least that. To hear the entire story. //If he is willing after hearing everything, then I suppose...//

That was a rather big if. Severus had done many, many things in his life that he was ashamed of. He had killed. He had killed with little remorse until much later. Muggles, wizards...he had, at one point, enjoyed the killing. That had been a wake up call for him. He had not raised his hand in violence since. He was too afraid, that it would all come back to him. And now...he had been very careful, arranging things so that he would not be called upon by the Dark Lord for any of *those* tasks. He was too close to Dumbledore. He had worked too hard to allay everyone's suspicions. They were watching him.

//He must know.// There was no way that Voldemort could not. //You love a dead man, Remus. I hope you are prepared for that.//

Severus decided he had given himself enough time to think. In truth, he had made up his mind the moment he kissed Lupin. There had been a passion there, an intensity that had long been missing from Severus' life. It was something that could not be denied. //How long will we linger, eh?// He leaned back, hands templed. Why, in all honesty, should he deny himself this? Remus was more then willing. But...

//I truly do not think I've much time left. I *could* curb my activity. But I refuse to do so. I have given Dumbledore my word, and I will not revoke it. I swore my life was his, and I would do all I could. There is time for me left, though precious little. I am sorry, Remus. I will give you what I have, if you still want it.// He rose, smoothing his black robes, brushing away what wrinkles and folds there were.

'You know where to find me.' Yes, Severus knew exactly where Remus would be. In that pathetic excuse for a room. It looked as though no one lived there, in truth. Remus had precious few things, it seemed. Not that that was all too surprising. It was a long walk between the rooms. It gave Severus plenty of time to put his thoughts in order.

//Do not hold anything back. He must know what it is he is binding himself too. Tell him everything you can. If he requests details, give them to him.// It would be difficult, and painful, but it had to be done. Remus had to know. And he had to hear from none other but Severus.

The door was closed. It was generally left ajar...why was that? Ah yes. The kitten. Severus shuddered. He really did abhor pets. He saw no point to them. They took up space, time, money...and what did one get in return? Responsibility for something that had an undetermined lifespan. And he had named the thing Aragorn....that, in Severus' opinion, was literary sacrilege.

"Lupin, are you in?" He called, not bothering to knock.

"Yes!"

//I was half hoping he was out.// Well, it was now or never. He pushed open the door, eyes immediately falling on Lupin, curled on his bed, gold and silver hair falling to obscure part of his face, small brown furred bundle held on his lap. He looked rather small. Then he looked up, golden eyes meeting Severus', and he smiled. //Damn him.//

"Severus." His voice was warm, and began to rise, hands cupping the kitten to move it.

"Don't bother." Severus held up his hand, crossing the room in a few long strides. He sat on the edge of the bed, hands clasped tightly in his lap.

"May I help you with something?" Remus' hands moved in nervous patterns over the kitten's back.

"There are things we need to discuss." Severus' eyes were narrowed, and his lips compressed themselves into a think line. It wasn't a facial expression he adopted consciously, it was simply out of habit. he was doing something unpleasant, but that had to be done.

"Oh. Well, certainly. Would you like some tea?"

//So damn polite.// "No, thank you. I'd really rather simply get this over and done with, if it's all the same to you."

"Of course..." Remus' eyes were curious. Obviously, he was wondering what exactly it was that Severus wanted to discuss with him.

"I have already told you what I was." Severus began, and Remus nodded. "If you....insist on pursuing something with me, you may wish to hear everything. I doubt you will be so keen on your feelings afterwards."

"I wouldn't be so sure. But....continue." Remus sat back, head cocked to regard Severus as he spoke.

"I did things." The Potions Master was not entirely sure how he was going to go about this. He had never spoken these things aloud, save once in a sobbing confession to Dumbledore. Now was not the time for sobbing or heartfelt divulgences. "Things I am not proud of. Oh, I was proud of them at the time, don't harbor any illusions of me being forced into anything. I did everything that I was told to with little thought or qualm."

Severus paused. He decided he would simply allow the words to come. It was easier that way. He kept his eyes on Remus'. He wanted to see the reaction there, see what went through the werewolf's mind at his admissions.

"I was insignificant, at first. Running errands, gathering information, things of that nature. But I was discreet. Adept at what I did. I moved through the ranks quickly. I enjoyed the praise. I made my first kill at age nineteen." //Made my first kill. Dear lord, that sounds...maudlin.// "I used the killing curse. It was a muggle, one who had stumbled onto something he shouldn't have. I hardly thought twice about it. They say that the first is the hardest, but I would beg to differ." Severus ran a hand through his hair, amazed to see no change in Remus' expression. It was as polite and attentive as it ever was.

"I soon tired of the death curse. It was...too easy. And I've always had an interest in the workings of the human body. There were far more...*interesting* ways to achieve the same end." //Interesting. Grotesque. Horrific. It's all the same, in the end.// "Pain until the heart gave out, that was a favorite. And of course there were hands on methods." //That does not need to be spoken of. Unless he asks.// "All in all, over my years with Lord Voldemort, I killed close to a hundred people. Muggles and wizards alike. And very few went with anything so merciful as Avada Kedavra."

Severus looked hard at Remus' expression. There was....acceptance there? After that. //Perhaps I should have told him. The things a simple knife can do are amazing. Far more painful then any curse.//

"What made you stop?"

It was, in all honesty, the last thing Severus expected to hear. He paused, before nodding slowly. //I did say I would answer any questions he had for me.//

"I found...I had come to enjoy it." The words were hard to say. They stuck in his throat, thick and hot. "At first it was scientific. I was simply...curious. I took no pleasure from the actual pain, only from the knowledge I had gained. But then I began to enjoy the killing itself. I enjoyed their screams. Their pleas for mercy when I knew they would not be answered. It....frightened me." he shuddered, unbidden and before he could stop it.

"But you don't anymore." It wasn't a question, it was a simple statement, and Severus found he could no longer look into those trusting, amber eyes. //I do not deserve such understanding.//

"No. I don't anymore."

"Severus..." There was a tiredness in Remus' voice. "We all have done things we regret. It's part of being human. I...I won't lie to you. Your past frightens me. I've never killed before in my life. Not that I haven't wanted to. The urge to hurt is there, near the time of my transformation. But...that's not who you are."

"We are what we have done, Remus." Severus looked up, bitter smile curling on his lips.

"No." Remus shook his head. "What we do makes us who we are, true. But there's more to it then that. And...that was a small part of your life. I'm not going to turn away from you because of things that happened in your past. I know that what you did and who you are are two different things. Regardless of the fact that you were a Death Eater, you are also Severus Snape. You're intelligent, insightful, meticulous, passionate when you want to be...that doesn't change simply because I know something new about you."

"Mmm." Severus couldn't help but wonder if there was hidden meaning in that statement. //Still proving yourself better then others, eh Lupin?// It had been Remus' lycanthropy that had ended their first attempt. Severus had turned away from him with hardly a thought. And now, when the roles were reversed, Remus was willing to ignore faults and simply accept.

"I still love you." The werewolf said simply. "I'll always love you."

"Your loyalty is admirable." Severus drawled. "But I should also warn you...forever may not be as long as you think."

"I'm sure it will be as long as it needs to be." Remus smiled softly, pushing the kitten from his lap. He leaned forward, hand cupping Severus' cheek.

"I mean what I say, Remus...Voldemort does not have mercy for traitors." He took Remus' wrist, long fingers wrapping about it tightly.

"I know." Remus nodded, sadly. "But you're strong. You've survived before, you'll survive now."

"I doubt it." Severus laughed bitterly.

"Shh. Enough." Remus placed a finger over Severus' lips. "If you have to be morbid, do it elsewhere."

"I am morbid, Remus."

"Not now, please?"

"Fine." Severus nodded, allowing Remus to pull him down into a kiss. //Well, I gave him the choice. It seems he insists....//

"I love you." Remus mumbled, lips finding Severus' jaw line.

"Yes, yes, I know." The fervent emotional declarations made Severus a bit uncomfortable.

"I take it you've made up your mind?" Remus' lips were on his neck now.

"Yes."

"And?" Tongue tracing a path along his throat.

"What in hell do you think, you fool?" Severus jerked Remus' head up, capturing his mouth with his own, tangling his fingers in soft tawny hair.

"I'll take that as a yes." Remus chuckled, tongue slipping between Severus' lips. Severus allowed himself to be pulled down on top of the werewolf in a fierce tangle of limbs and clothing. Remus' lips were searing on his skin, fervent and demanding. The sheer passion in the other man overwhelmed Severus.

//I suppose there is no harm. I am overdue what happiness I can find.// Hands were clawing at his robes, as a warm tongue snaked down his neck to linger at the place where his neck met his shoulder. Apparently Remus was eager to make up for lost time. And, Severus admitted to himself, so was he.

"I..." Severus wasn't sure he could say the words. Remus glanced up, smoldering eyes locking on Severus'.

"Yes?" Remus murmured, voice deep and husky.

"Do I have to say it?" Words a tad more plaintive then Severus had intended.

"No." Remus shook his head.

"I do, but I...I am not free with my words, Remus." Severus stroked the werewolf's hair, truly sorry that he could not give him what he wanted. //I do love you, Remus. But I cannot say the words. I simply cannot...// "I am sorry."

"I understand."

And for once, those words did not carry with them any sadness. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Severus let out a small laugh, before he found his lips captured once again, and neither one of them had any use for words for quite some time.