WARNING: This is a slash story, which means it contains male/male erotic content involving consenting adults. If you're not of legal age or are offended by such material, please go find something else to read.

Title: Who's Afraid of the...
Author: Mathilda
Email: missmathildamay@yahoo.co.uk
Summary: Remus/Everyone slash (but all implied). In short, meet the other Remus Lupin. Not sure what brought this on, or if I'll ever write him quite like this again, but, what the hell. This not my usual Remus -- in case you were trying to tally this with any of my other fics.
Warnings: OOC Remus, well I reckon I can just about justify this take on him, but brace yourselves.
Rating: For over 18's
Spoilers: Oh grow up
Disclaimer: The names belong to JKR, reckon I could lay claim to a good proportion of the rest
[Author's note: this really does deserve an explanation. We all know what Remus Lupin is like. He's pretty consistent in fan fics, isn't he? We see quite a lot of him in PoA and so we know what he would've been like at school. Right?
What if we'd all got him wrong?]

There isn't a day goes by that I don't wish it had been a vampire.

You know why?

Because then I wouldn't have to look in the fucking mirror everyday, that's why.

See these bags under my eyes and the grey in my hair? Gods, it breaks my fucking heart every time I see myself like this, because I used to be so goddamn beautiful.

It's because I'm tired, you see. Gods, I'm so fucking tired. All I want to do these days is sleep, and to think, there was a time when I barely used to sleep at all.

It's the lycanthropy. It's such a bitch (bitch - ha!). It's quite a strain on the body, all that transforming and pain and acting crazy. It takes its toll in the end. It shortens the life too.

I doubt I'll see fifty.

I wonder what those kids at Hogwarts must have thought of me - this weird grey haired young-old shabbily dressed man. They'd never believe that less than fifteen years ago I was a Hogwarts pupil myself as vital and virile as any of them.

As I'm sure you've realised, the wolf burns one out fast, but my gods one burns bright.

I was the brightest of them all.

I mean to say, I suppose, that I was crazy. I did what I felt like, all the time. I worked if I enjoyed it, or found it interesting and if I didn't, well, I didn't. The teachers were always very, well, shall we say, "accommodating". Like, who's gonna give a werewolf a detention, when I might nip round next full moon and bite their face off?

Ooh, send me into the forbidden forest at night because I've been a naughty boy. Scary! I mean, bite me (bite -- ha!)

Scared? Of course they were scared. I'm not human. But I was Dumbledore's pet project (pet -- hah!), so they always put any rule breaking down to my condition. Well it was down to my condition -- I guess.

Look, what did I care about timetables and rules and stupid fucking curfews, when once a month I was locked in a deserted house while I metamorphosed into a monster.

Talk about gaining a bit of perspective.

I can remember it like it was yesterday, sitting in transfiguration, being asked to turn a matchstick into a needle. I mean, what the fuck? I had enough transfiguration in my life, thank you. And when that silly cow turned into a cat, I couldn't believe it. I mean, was she taking the piss?

**

Now, I had to sate my boredom somehow, so I did it by, well basically, by fucking anything that'd stay still long enough.

Actually they didn't have to be that still. If they squirmed and fought a bit so much the better, reminded me of, well, you can guess what it reminded me of.

I fucked like an animal because I am a fucking animal. (A fucking animal -- ha!) I don't turn into a wolf once a month, you know. Those times, well, they're just the times when I look like a wolf.

So, yeah, I was the school slut. I went though every boy in our year. Never saw the same bed twice. I miss it now actually, but, well, I just don't have the energy anymore.

Course it was around that time the Sirius Black started following me around like a lost puppy (puppy -- ha). But I wasn't interested, you know, coz, well, how can I put this delicately, I'd already had him. I told him "Remus Lupin doesn't go back...Remus Lupin likes new blood...I'm a wolf, Grrr." I think I upset him. What a pansy. I was only pissing about.

I think he did the whole "dog" thing to try and get my attention. But it wasn't like I was gonna do it with a dog, was I? I mean I was a wolf.

Look, wolves hate dogs, domesticated human loving idiots. Compared to a wolf a dog is, gods, a dog is nothing.

Apparently he thought I'd like it. I'd once said something like "I might fuck you again Sirius if you really were a big black dog."

But I only said it because of his name. Sirius Black, right? Sirius - dog, right? Well I thought it was funny. I was joking, Sirius, you fucking idiot. How was I supposed to know he'd go to all that trouble.

Sirius Black? Sillyarse Black more like -- ha!

(But there's a lot of it about, the old name thing. Clocked my name: Remus Lupin, I mean, what the fuck? Did my parents actually want me to become a werewolf or something? Talk about fatalism.)

Anyway I got bored before long. I'd basically shagged the entire school. So I got this idea it might be fun to try and have sex while I was in wolf form. Now, call me sick but I'd always had my eye on Severus, he had this nasty, creepy, filthy thing I liked. So I kinda hatched this plan.

Shame he's such a mess now. He was hot as fuck back then. Well, you know, if you like that sort of thing, which I do. You might have gathered I'm a sick little puppy (puppy -- ha!)

Anyway so I tried to get Sirius to lure him into the shack, while I was there all wolfed up. He was still doing anything for me. Stupid love sick puppy (puppy -- ha! -- is this starting to get on your nerves a bit?). So much so, that when the whole thing went tits up he even took the fall for me, just like he did for Peter years later. Talk about setting a precedent.

Coz then James had to come and "save" the day. Fucking James. Oh for gods sake James, yes, you are sooo brave. Now sod off and stop ruining everyone's fucking fun. Shouldn't say that should I, now, after everything, but, what the hell. It's true.

Got my own back on James though?

Oh don't look at me like that.

I didn't do that.

Of course not. I'm a bit amoral, I know, but I'm not evil. There is a difference.

You know though, I often though that what Peter did wasn't all that bad was it? Not really.

Did that throw you? Not heard that line before have you?

Look, think about it. If Peter hadn't sent Voldemort to the Potter's house that night, Voldemort wouldn't have been killed. Well almost killed, whatever. Okay so he's on his way back now but that breathing space has been crucial, a whole generation got the chance to grow up in the meantime.

And we needed that. Really, we were on our fucking knees!

And, really, Voldemort's downfall was all thanks to Peter, in a roundabout sort of way. It was, what they call, a necessary evil. Okay, so Lilly and James had to die and, of course, what happened to Sirius was rather nasty, but hey, think about the greater good.

Oh I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that I would say that because I got off rather lightly. Well sod you. I'm a werewolf. My life was royally fucked already, thank you.

And like I say I won't see fifty.

And I'm so fucking tired.

**

Oh and in case you wanna know my revenge on Prongs was actually spiking the punch at his stag night. (Prongs' stag night -- hah!) Yeah, it was cool, him and James both got so out of it they finally did what they've both been wanting to do for, like, ever. Did them a favour really.

**

~Tra la la la la.~

Ends

[Note: Stag night is Brit speak for Batchelor party - wouldn't want you to miss out on Remus' last fantastic 'joke'.]