Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

A Little About Myself and My Life

Name: Sofia
Where I am: Los Angeles, California USA
Favorite Quotes:
"Those who nourish you, will destroy you."
"Life isn't how many times your heart beats, but the times it skips a beat."
"You never know how sweet the sweet really is until you've had a taste of the sour, and I know the fuckin' sour."
"Girls are like phones... they like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected."
"The beauty of a soul has no gender."
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
"Maybe we will meet again, in another life when we are both cats."
"Every passing moment is another chance to turn it all around."
"It's always the little things that are so big, and the things money can't buy that brings one true happiness."

Kool Sites:
http://www.evanescence.com/
http://www.thespark.com
http://www.astrology.com/
https://www.angelfire.com/
http://www.mp3.com/

E-mail me at:
sheerxtc60@yahoo.com

Love It or Hate It

This is my first time creating a website... I just thought it would be kool (and had nothing better to do) so i made one. I'm not exactly sure on what it's for but I guess it's a way to express how i feel about certain topics right now. I'm usually with my friend discussing stupid things, that I could careless about so maybe i could just express little things on here that are going through my mind. I wanna share my opinion and outlook on life with you (whoever is reading this). You can either love me, or hate me (hopefully love lol) for what what I think. There are so many people stressing over so much that is going on in there life right now which isn't really necessary to be worrying about. I've learned how to overcome many things that used to bother me before. If only people could follow there heart, their emotions, life would be so much easier. Life's unfair though, you have to learn to accept that too (which sux).

Who I am...

Let me tell you about myself... I'm from Los Angeles, California and i'm well "free". I don't like to labled bi or gay because I'm not really one of those, but merely looking beyond everything to the soul. The beauty of a soul has no gender in my eyes. Anyways, I love all music, I mean anything that sounds good I listen to. I like focusing on the lyrics, like listening to lyrics that are either meaningful or something I can relate too. The beat and melody is always a good thing too that I look at. Some good artists I like listening to are Evanescence, MxPx, Millencolin, Bad Religion, Craig's Brother, Ari Hest, Ben Harper, Susan Tedeschi, Krezip, Alicia Keys, Christina Aguilera, Finger Eleven, Twelve Stones, and Mr.Cheeks. Those are just a few that I can name off the top of my head that I really enjoy listening too. If you ever check them out you'll find that each of them are pretty different.

The News Now

Date: 6/28/2003
Well lots has happened the past few months. People have come and gone in my life... It's tough having people in and out of your life, but pain is a key factor in my life. I've delt with shit loads of stuff since I was a kid, but I won't get into that. I haven't been around a lot of my friends lately because I feel like I don't belong, I mean it's fun being around them but it's not fulfulling. I want to be somewhere I belong, where I'm happy. Who knows where that is, could be Florida to in someone's arms... who knows. I gotta keep living, because there is still so much to experience. I can't wait to go to college and be on my own, that's gonna me so awesome. Life's gonna be great... The only people I like hanging around at this moment, are Doni and Jose who I've known both for a long time. I can just go on forever talking to them (heh) it's pretty kool. Never take people like that for granted because they're truely one of kind and they don't come along very often in someone's life. Now that I think about it, you shouldn't really take anyone for granted because you never know when they'll be gone. Grab the moment when it comes, I bet you won't regret it... Well still more to come, I'm done writing for now.

Date: 6/29/2003
Well another day slipping through my fingers. I guess I'm feeling pretty content right now, asking the same old questions. You know I was up in the middle night thinking about everything going on in my life right now, and I'm so confused on what I should be doing. What's going to be ahead in the future? I can only sit to wonder what's ahead, and mold what's ahead right now. I prayed to God last night, asking him to watch over every single person I love and don't love. I think everyone deserves happiness in this world, even if you don't like that person. If only could take in the simple pleasures of life instead of worrying about small shit that makes them all stressed out. Instead of looking at the down side or the brighter side, look at the whole thing. I always say that a pure human, is created of pure emotion. Love, anger, sadness, are all pure emotions which some people wish to censor to shelter themselves from the anguish of the world. Shit happens, you gotta learn to deal with it. Why do people worry so much about appearence? Society makes it out to be some big thing, which is a shame. People should learn to look beyond the obvious appearence, and love what's there. The soul is what makes one beautiful, a genuine soul and heart is what makes someone beautiful. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Sure one person may think you're ugly but another one could think you're the most beautiful person they have ever met. Don't let them bring you down, although there is a down side, there is always a brighter side. Gotta learn to be optimistic and appreciate yourself and life.

Songs I feel like right now: Jason Mraz - The Remedy, Twelve Stones - Fade Away, Third Eye Blind - Semi Charmed Life, Kid Rock - Only God Knows Why

Date: 6/30/2003
I'm feeling kind of tierd right now, I hung out with my friend and played a game called TimeSplitters (I think that's what it's called) it was fun. People think I can't play games, or is the type that wouldn't be into them, well I may not be some kind of hardcore gamer but I know how to play them. I'm full of surprises =P You'd be surprised at what I know... well anyways I really feel like going out tonight so I'll probably go out with my friend to a party or something. Not real sure... well i'll write later because I'm drawing a blank to be honest.

Songs I feel like right now: Limp Bizkit - My Way, Our Lady Peace - Not Enough, Bonnie Raitt - Make You Love Me, Jester - Fries With That, Christina Aguilera - Cruz, Homegrown - You're Not Alone

Later - 5:57PM:
I am so mad right now. My supposed best friend, Michelle, totally fucked me over. She and I haven't been getting along very well and I told her we could try to work things out but she's just so close-minded and nieve I can't handle her anymore. She's always hanging around her fuckin' dumbass boyfriend who is a total pussy. He's nieve but more iggnorant if anything else. He's such an asshole towards me because I hung around Michelle. He's always around, no matter where I look he's there, like bad case of herpes or something! I tried to get along with him but nothing ever went right. I really hate Michelle right now, I mean she just straight up looked into my eyes and lied to me. We go on this camping trip every summer and she told me she was going this weekend but her sister was taking a lot of ppl so I couldn't go... but the truth is she brought her boyfriend instead! I thought guyz/girlz weren't supposed to get in between friendship but I guess I was wrong. That just makes me so upset that she lied! She could have at least been honest, I mean this makes me fuckin' wanna go up to her and tell her I hate her. She's been giving me shit for like a month straight now and I'm sick of this shit. I thought we could have been friends but I realise that we can't anymore... It's been too long. I've known her since 3rd grade and she still doesn't understand me. She doesn't even support me in the things I do, or want to do anything with me just because, like going out to meet people with me and some friends. She never wants to go and do anything, and her boyfriend is on her ass 24/7. She's such a bitch to me and I've done nothing but support her with whatever she does. I just don't understand why she can't do the same. I'm gonna confront her... since that's what I always do for everyone. Everyone else is so immature and like to give the "silent treatment" or just flat out be all bitchy towards you, I hate that! Why can't people just be upfront and honest? I mean there are certain boundaries you can't cross with your honesty, on politeness terms but come on if you have a problem just say it flat out instead of wasting energy letting the frustration and anger build up inside of you by not opening up.

Songs I feel like right now: Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff, Linkin Park - One Step Closer, Kelis - I Hate You So Much Right Now, New Found Glory - Head On Collision

Date: 7/1/2003 11:50 PM
Songs I feel like right now: Relient K - Pressing On, Papa Roach - Between Angels and Insects, Green Day - Misery, Mest - The Last Time, John Mayer - Quiet

Date: 7/2/2003
This world brings me down sometimes. The way things work out, sometimes it really sucks. I just think about those who have that great life and it helps me have the strength to face another day. I know that someday everything will fall into place, I just have to be patient. I don't hold many expectations anymore, in people, or life because that can only let you down if it doesn't pull through. Deep inside I feel broken, but although shit happens I keep on smiling. You can't be let down with everything, and gotta keep your head up high, don't want to stress over little things it's not worth the energy. Don't you ever have days where nothing is really wrong but you don't feel like talking to anyone? Some how a friend will ask you what's wrong and you say nothing but they think you're lying so you're in away forced to create a problem, although there isn't one. Been feeling like that today... I just feel like listening to music, and put all my worries behind me. I'll just keeping waiting on an angel to come for me... I'm not waiting for life to come to me though. You just gotta let things happen... It's frustrating when you have something thrown at you that you can't control, like someone who is sick. I can't just take their illness away... Life is really hard, but you gotta keep surviving. Don't let yourself fade away.

Songs I feel like now: Twelve Stones - Crash, Green Day - Misery, Linkin Park - In The End, Evanescence - Missing, Lillix - Sick

Date: 7/3/2003
Wow I slept in late today! Made me mad at myself for doing that. Starting tomorrow I'm gonna wake up early though. Well I've been thinking about that awfully complicated word, love. I wonder what it really means, how do you know if you really love someone? Are you in love or merely infatuated with the idea of being in love? Wanting it so bad you create a love that isn't there in your mind. Hmm... it's so complicated. My thoughts are pretty scattered right now. I have a thousand thoughts running through my mind all at once and I don't know what I should really write down. I'll try and right later tonight.

Songs I feel like now: Britney Spears - I Run Away, Sugarbabes - Stronger, Sevendust - Beautiful, Gang Starr - Moment Of Truth, Homegrown - Let Go

Date: 7/7/2003 1:00 AM
Songs I feel like now: Enrique Iglesias - Hero, Pharell ft Jay Z - Frontin, Christina Aguilera - Reflection, Sinead Quinn - I Can't Break Down

Date: 7/8/2003
Haven't had the time to write here lately, but got some time now. I just worked out... (kinda tierd now).Well here's some news! I got to hang out with Doni and his friends, James and Joa, on July 4th which was awesome. We went down to the beach and I met up with some friends... everything didn't go as planned tho since there were a bunch of shitty parties, but I guess it wasn't too bad. That day was umm... different. Anyways, I had a chance to hang out with some of my friends and realised what kind of people they are. The area I live in is filled with a variety of ppl who all are so common. They worry about appearence and superficial things that surprise others who come to see me. It's sad, the society I live in... in a way so sheltered, so close minded. I feel so alone again... I've also realised that you can't change people, you can only affect them. I've cleared the slates with most people and have just acted as if there is nothing wrong to make things easier. I don't want to waste energy having to worry, having to stress over stuff that isn't necessary. Oh, that reminds me... getting a new car soon so I'm anxious about that. I can't wait to get it and just go to different areas to meet new people, that'll be so much fun.
Just some thoughts:
I wish that I could have that love that I had before... I would trade the rest of my tomorrows for just one yesterday. My heart feels so hurt, the pain never seems to go away. I had so many dreams that will never come true now, but I still continue to dream of them. People say that time will cure them pain but true love burns for an eternity, so how is it I am supposed to get over this pain? I guess it won't ever go until I'm completely over that person... It's hard, ya know? It's hard having to go through this alone, not having anyone who understands. I know that their is someone out there who feels the same, some where out there... I just wish they were here. God sure does work in mysterious ways... I just don't understand, I don't think anyone does. Breathe... I have to breathe and learn to let go of the frustration and anger towards things I can't control. What is it that I can do? Nothing really... I just have to continue living in this world of deception. I pray to God hoping for a better day but it's really all up to me and what I make of it. I wished that He would send me an angel... Send me someone to heal this broken heart. Everything seems to always just be just out of reach... or is thrown at me like a piece of candy to a child who has a cavity. They give 'em a taste, and although the child wants more they can't have anymore so is left with the anxiety of wanting more and also the pain of the first piece to his tooth which has yet to heal. I'm not sure if that makes much sense... but whatever.

Songs I feel like right now: Girls Aloud - Life Got Cold, Javine - Real Things, Delta Goodrem - Here I Am, Faith Hill - You're Still Here, Black Eyed Peas - Where is The Love, Sick Of Change - Sacrifice, Aaliyah - Heartbroken

Date: 7/16/2003
This is something I wrote a couple days ago to a friend of mine, just explaining what's up...
Anyways, my life right now is okay, i mean i'm doing stuff... talking to ppl... just trying to be optimistic. I don't like some ppl but I keep on smiling, because i just don't have the energy to waste on not getting along with someone i don't like. Well friends that i have as of right now, the ppl i used to regularly hang out with... i get along with pretty much everyone, and it's kool... i know some of them, they talked shit for awhile, and i'm ok with that. I know ppl aren't like me, I also know they don't like confrontation. I can't talk shit behind someone's back, it's just so pathetic and tasteless, it shows what a weak and insecure person u really are... I know we all have insecurities, but i'm not like that, i won't go down to their level because i know i'm better than that. Some don't agree with my sexuality and what not... my outlooks on life and stuff but whatever, not everyone can like u, ya know? Just gotta accept it, life goes on even if one person doesn't like u. Plus, it's not really worth my time to get upset, sometimes you gotta keep on smiling, it makes things a lot easier =) I don't sweat the small shit, and i've learned accept differences between ppl and other things in life. Not everyone shares the same mentality as I do and i've learned that... I mean i look at the ppl i know now, and everyone is so shallow, so close-minded. They're so sheltered from the world, they only see the world around them... in this city. They're nieve to so many things in life and superficial, also so critical about appearence and what others think about them. Your image is everything here... I mean everyone around here is concerned with their image. They strive so hard for acceptence... but really none of that matters. What brings you happiness is what should matter... what makes u happy is what matters. Nobody opens their eyes, they judge others so quickly, not accepting them because they're different. I invited a few of my friends to meet the ppl i usually hang out with, and they were so quick to judge on their appearence, they didn't even give them the time to get to know them. They'd put up a front in front of them and then as soon as they left they would discuss the "matter" about them. I guess nobody knows who they really are... and are something that this society has molded them into... actually, it's not society's fault, it's theirs. They all need to stop being two faced, and get their head out of their ass, i mean open they're mind and eyes. I know people can't be the way i'd like, and i can do nothing to change them. I can only try to have an effect on them by being myself and sharing my ideas, being open but that's all i can do. It seems like everyone around here in my area, just dies to be liked, to be accepted, and creates much unnecessary drama. No matter what, their has to be some kind of issue... u can't avoid it. Someone will create an issue or have one already going on. It's such a pain, to have to this shit all ur life. Having to deal with these ppl, who are just so... so... hmm.... well just so FAKE. They want to be "normal" and have ppl like them, when that doesn't even matter! They act and dress the way the rest of these "normal" ppl do, so they won't be judged as not being "normal" and that's so pointless. They can act one way to ur face and another way when ur not looking, or be different when they're with someone else with a different "status," i mean why can't ppl just be for real? It's so frustrating! They're so sheltered by our society, and I'm just tierd of it. When u asked why am I looking to meet new ppl? It's because I'm sick of the ppl here. I'm sick of having to deal with all these fake ppl, plus i feel like ppl judge me too much and take me for granted. I'm like a friend only when they need me, and i'm not gonna be treated that way because I deserve better, I deserve respect. I want friends who really luv me for who I am, and accept me the way I am... I don't want to worry about being judged on what i do, how I act, my preferences, beliefs or whatever else. A friend is someone who accepts you for who you really are, and no matter what they're by ur side. I've realized the "friends" i have now, are not my friends at all. The whole friendship between each other is so shallow, and fake... Nothing is real, not the ppl, the bonds, the laughter, and even the tears... It's a friendship that's all based on ppl and things that aren't real, like a lie. I want something real, a place where I really belong... and mb i'm not searching enough, or serching too much but i'll keep waiting for ppl I can really be myself around. Everyone is different and I know that... I know i'm different from others, but i'm happy with the way I am. Life's not easy, your hardships are what make u stronger, grow, and learn. At times, I feel like giving-up, but I know I never will because I know you can overcome anything, and life's not over until it's OVER. Life's like a play, although you may make mistakes during the show and you feel like it's over, you realise the show must go on and you only try harder because the shows not over until those curtains have fallen, you gotta make what of the show you have to go on with and learn from your mistakes.

Anyways, that's really all I've been thinking about. People and life I guess... Hoping to find that special crew sooner or later, and just keep smiling even when I don't want to, for now (well only if I really shouldn't let somethin get to me). I can't, and won't, let little shit bring me down. Now it takes a lot for me to be really let down, or get upset recently. The things that would normally upset me in the past, don't so much anymore. I feel like I deal with situations and ppl better, since I've gotten time to experience different situations, and speak with different ppl. I try to understand others and where they're coming from, figuring out what's important and what's not. I try to help others, and be there because I know that's what I would want. Being happy is what matters to me and having the ppl I luv around me in my life. I know I have a complex mind, and I'm difficult to understand, easily misunderstood... I know, but I'm glad for the ppl that have taken the time to really get to know me, to really understand. Ppl like them are what make me still want to go on and never give-up, giving me hope in a way. Always being urself, being "real" I mean just being a genuine person is what makes me lucky to have people like them in my life. Not many ppl like that come along in a lifetime so if somebody like that ever crosses your path, don't lose 'em. I've realized that you really don't know how much something means until you've lost it, or have been close to losing it completely. It hits you like a brick in the face... You really don't know how much something means until it's gone basically. That's why I don't take life and ppl for granted because you never know when they'll be gone, they could be gone tomorrow for all you know. That's why I don't hold grudges, or stay upset at someone because it's not worth wasting this prescious time you have on earth over. Time goes by so fast... I mean before you know it ur life has just passed you by... that's why you gotta take risks, grab the moment, and live with no regrets or having ask what if. Live life to the fullest... You shouldn't have to be saying "I should have," or "would have," or "could have," you should be saying "I did," or "I have." I feel like I'm not doing much right now but it's ok, I have so much time ahead of me. I don't go on thinking that they're will always be a tomorrow though... I try to live as if there was no tomorrow. I just keep living day by day, for now and what's ahead. Gotta learn to let go, and accept things that you can't control in life makes life a little easier sometimes, be strong. I'm not saying I have everything figured out, because I know I have much to experience in life. I'm just trying, trying to find my way, and grow each day as the person I am and will be. I think I have a pretty good outlook on life, I mean I could on forever just talking about what I think about life and how I approach things. I keep an open-mind to others and how they view things though, so I can learn to expand my horizon. My way of thinking is, I think, on the right track. I dunno why I went on about all these things lol... This is a lot and this was only a few thoughts and outlooks about what's going on now. I never really had the time to just lay it all out clearly but once I have full focus I knew I could. I guess I'm going on and on... I better go, time for sleepy time. I'll see ya later.

Songs I feel like right now: OAR - I feel Home, Britney Spears - When Your Eyes Say it, Maroon 5 - Harder To Breathe, Lifehouse - Trying, Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost, Hed Plantet Earth - Get Away, Korn - Somebody Someone, Javine - Real Things

Date: 7/18/2003
Songs I feel like right now: Stacie Orrico - Restore My Soul, Midtown - Still Trying, Ludacris - Act a Fool, Ronan Keating - If Tomorrow Never Comes, Creed - Don't Stop Dancing, 10000 Maniacs - These Are the Days

Date: 7/22/2003
Have you ever put your trust in someone but for some reason there was always that part of you that was having second thoughts? Sucks being around people you can't trust... I was once with a girl who just totally lied out of her ass every single second of the day. I tried to trust her but she just kept on lying and I heard from so many other ppl about what she was doing. Yeah well she totally fucked up and I could careless what happens to her now. All the shit she has in her life, she deserves plus a million times more. I wanna go up to her and just call her a munipulative self absorbed bitch, but I'm better than her and she doesn't deserve my time. I'm done with her, i tried to believe her, i tried to give her a chance but she's shit out of luck now. What goes around comes around, right? I wish that people could just be honest, I mean what do they have to lose? If being yourself can't get a person to like you or get with you, then you shouldn't be bothering with them in the first place. Always be honest, be yourself, and keep everything real. A love without trust is not love at all, or any relationship without trust isn't a relationship at all. On a better note, I got a new car!!! =D (yay) It's so nice... Ahhh... I'm so fuckin' happy I could cry!! well ok, not cry but you get where i'm going ; ) Anyways, first thing I gotta do is get a job and get my life on track I can tell what lies ahead is going to be awesome =) I'm starting brand new! I'm gonna have a clean slate and just get going with life.... *smiles* hehe Anyways, I gotta get going right now so I'll try and write more later if I have time =) Peace out yo lol

Date: 7/23/2003
Those songs really express the way I feel now. It's a cruel world but you gotta live on.

Songs I feel like right now: The Roc Project ft Tina Arena - Never, NOFX - Happy Break-up Song, Jemini - Cry Baby, The Neptunes - Brain, Ashanti - Rain on Me, Greenday - You Lied, Justin Timberlake - Never Again/Cry Me a River, Evanescence - My Immortal/Fields of Innocence

Date: 7/24/2003
I keep losing track over and over again
I wait alone waiting for that angel to be sent
Why is it that life is so hard
Love is always just out of reach, always too far
Patience is the key
A key to life, a key to love, a key to be set free
Sometimes I feel suffocated, it's so hard to breathe
Just breathe, take a breath of life, soon you'll see
Stop the munipulative games, stop the shallow views
This is your life, no one makes you the way you are, you choose
Someone let me out, someone get me out
Doesn't anyone hear me? Am I alone as I scream and shout?
Silent tears fall, the silence is so loud I can hardly bare
I can't find the quiet inside of my mind, Life's so unfair
Through your eyes I smile but inside mine I cry
I want to be free, I want to be free to fly...

Songs I feel like now: Switchfoot - Only Hope, Darryl Worley - I Miss My Friend, Acceptence - Permanent, Lifehouse - Trying, Twelve Stones - The Way I Feel, Mozart - Piano Concerto No.23, Bach - Sonata for Piano and Violin, Celine Dion - Have You Ever Been in Love

Date: 7/29/2003
Oh my gosh! Today was great =D I got tickets to one of my favorite bands concerts!!! Evanescence!!!!! I can't wait to see them, i'm so stoked about this =) The past few days have been pretty good, I got to have some on on one with some old friends and I've been pretty occupied. There's also a new store opening in the mall and I got the number to apply for them so I better do that soon >_< I need to save up money, well first pay off this car... Anyways, this is great (hehe). My life's finally heading on the right track =)The future looks brighter everyday... Though I still feel a bit lonely, I feel awesome! =D Patience is the key I guess... so we'll see what happens. Oh gosh... I just remembered one of my ex's is coming to see me... this weekend and on the same day it's another one of my ex's surprise birthday party O_O so I'm kinda wonderin what I should do. Plus I gotta go hang out with one of my friends this weekend... well I'm gonna try my best to deal with the situation properly. I'll prolly either not go to the party, take my other ex with me to the party, or just tell my ex that's coming to see me not to come down, or just blow him off... Hmmm so many choices (lol) Well we'll see what happens. I've been kinda sick lately >_o I had a raspy voice (sexy kinda, lol) I luv raspy voices... well on girls it's so cute/sexy (teehee) =P I hope I feel all better by this Friday so I can do everything I want to =) Well I better go... I gotta go meet up with somebody ; ) I'll try and write more later, PEACE! =P

Songs I feel like right now: Krezip - Fine, Lisa Scott-Lee - Too Far Gone, Kiley Dean - Should I, Boys II Men - Roll With Me, Otis Redding - I Can See Clearly Now, Daniel Bedingfield - Never Gonna Leave Your Side, B2K - What a Girl Wants, Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Later:
I just found out that I'm gonna have to sneak out to the concert!! >_o This sucks ass... well I'll be able to do it plus I bought the tickets already so I'm going! I got it all figured out now... I still have to pick them up later this week so I gotta tell them to not call my house to tell me to pick them up... I'll give em my friends cell so they'll leave a message on there. She'll give me the message... For now I'll start going to my friend Tiffany's house in some other area and when it comes to the day the concert is, I'll just say i'll be sleeping over at her house so they won't suspect a thing >:-) so then I'll have the car and I'll be able to stay out all night! yay =P (muahaha) I hope everything works out *crosses fingers* If they ask to speak to Tiffany's mom/dad i'll have somebody else talk to them... Guess i'll have to tell them what to say and pay them something. Oh shit! I got a better idea!!! I'm gonna say i'm going midnight bowling with my friend Michelle... Yeah that'll work better so then I'll still get home but around 3 or just say after I'm spending the night with her! Oh wait... midnight bowling is on saturday and sundays... well it's ok they wouldn't know. oh I got another idea! Since I'll have to leave early... I'll say I'm going to the mall, going out to eat, then see a movie at about 9... so then it won't end until 11 or 12 and then say I'm sleeping over at Michelle's house. Yeah that sounds good... I'll whine my way to let me have the car out for that long, which they'll let me and I'll be good to go. That sounds like it'll work... if not then I'll work with my "Tiffany" plan as a back up. Lots of things to do! I'm sure everything will be fine... =) *knock on wood* =P well gotta go... I'll keep updating on this whole scheme.

Date: 7/30/2003


Here's a drawing a I did earlier today : ) Umm I'll write again later... Oh and I changed the mix that was playing on my music section to another one that I made. Take care everyone, and later.

Date: 7/31/2003 12:14 AM
Hey I'm back! What a mellow day.... I listened to music and hung out with my dog out by the park all day. Well later on I saw my friend and he and I stayed in and watched a movie =P We saw ummm... New Best Friend. It was a pretty kool movie, it had lots of sex and drugs in it so you know it was great! (lol jk) Nah, but it was a good movie... Oh speaking of movies I saw Vanilla Sky, it had Tom Cruise in it and Penelope Cruz. That movie was an awesome.... Made me kinda sad but it was good. I would talk more about it but I'm feel dazed O_o Well I better go, I need my sleep... I'll write in the morning. Later gators ; )

Songs I feel like now: Krezip - You Can Say, Benny Benassi - Satisfaction, N.E.R.D. - Brain, Ludacris - Act a Fool, Ace of Base - Beautiful Life, Eurythimics - Sweet Dreams, Evanescence - Anywhere, The Strokes - Trying Your Luck, Tyrese - Signs of Love

Later:
What do I have to do to make you love me?
What do I have to say to be heard?
How long must I wait until I'm set free?
Tell me do you feel, Tell me do you cry
Like the beginning of rain from the sky
Pain masks your face, You feel lost and out of place
Your heart wanders alone, You wonder why you should go on, My life should I condone
Should I go, Should I stay just one more day
Don't walk away, You need a hand to guide the way
You need a miracle, You need love
You need an angel sent from above
God rain on thee, to wash away the pain
Bring us life, love is all that we need, A chance for change...
Can't give-up, Keep life on the go
Follow your heart trust your intuition, Always hold hope
You never know, Tomorrow may never come
Every passing moment is another chance to turn your life around
Don't waste time, Take chances in life, Take risks for love

You are my heart, You're are my soul
You're my life, You're my world, You're what makes me whole
You shine the light to see, Not a day goes by where it's dark
You're the closest to me, near or far
What lies ahead doesn't matter when I'm with you
Nothing else matters but you, To you my heart will always be true
I give you my everything, Give you my all
My heart, my body, my soul
I love you with all of my heart
And yet we've never met, I don't even know who you are...
True Love

Date: 8/5/2003
Wow... All I can say is WOW... The Evanescence concert was the best concert I have ever been to. It was at the Universal Ampatheater, which was pretty nice. There were three other bands who played including Cold... which was kool but Evanescence just tore down the house! Amy Lee (lead singer) looked phenomenal, and all the guys looked great too. Ben Moody (the guitarist) kept spraying water at the crowd which was kinda gross lol but it was kool. I wish that I could have been in the pit, everyone down there was so dead, I was stuck only a few rows away from there though... I danced on the chairs and just felt the music. Doni went with me to the concert, I couldn't imagine anyone else I could of gone with =) He and I were kinda bored during the opening acts, but as soon as Evanescence came on the whole arena stood up, it was so kool. I was kinda out of it in the beginning because I was stressin' over what might happen after... I mean getting in trouble and what not... >_< I might lose my car but I still think it was all worth it =P Evanescence rocks, I love them so much!! Wish I could of gone to Rock AM Ring in Germany (another concert) that had so many kool bands playing. Ahh... my thoughts are all scattered so I'll write again later, or tomorrow... Night, night everyone.

Songs I feel like now: Evanescence - Wash It All Away, Thrice - All that's Left, Simple Plan - Perfect, Krezip - Fine, Evanescence - Good Night, Anywhere, You, Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow

Date: 8/12/2003
I'm at a friends house right now but she's in the shower so i came on here. Last night was so strange... I was with somebody and she was really upset, i mean tears were falling from her face... I treid to figure out what was wrong but she just wouldn't open up, so i sat hours with her talking about how shit happens in life but you have to be strong because in the end everything will be ok and that life's a beautiful thing, each and every experience in it's own way. She wasn't saying anything tho, just a simple yes or no or very quick responses... so as i spoke to her i wiped her face with my hand as her tears continued to fall. I was with some other ppl too but I stayed with her most of the time as everyone else ignored her saying she was just trying to be dramatic or whatever... Shoot gotta go somewhere, i'll write later.

Date: 8/19/2003 11:50 PM
Hey been awhile to whom ever is reading this =) Well I had to change my website URL because I think my parents found out about my site and have been trying to look at it so I had to get rid of it =( Anyways, so much has happened... Yesterday I hung out with Doni (YAY!) and we just chilled together, it was so much fun (hehe). He introduced me to this girl named Jessica that he spoke about earlier on with me. She's bi and I was thinking of doing stuff with her for the hell of it, but I didn't really know what to think. I didn't have any expectations, but she didn't look like what I thought she was going to look like. Overall she was alright, she had a cute eyebrow piercing so that helped her out. She isn't anything like what I normally get with or go for but there's a first for everyone, right? Maybe if I get to know her, she would look more attractive in my eyes. Oh that reminds me, I've kinda been seeing this one girl for like a year now and we were gonna celebrate (hehe) which I thought was kinda funny. She and I just hook up every now and then, there's nothing really more except a good friendship. She's a typical cali blonde... You know, the tall, skinny, kinda slutty looking girls (lol). Oh (random) I went to the mall and got to go inside of a "Hot Topics" store. I really wanted to go there to check out there stuff, it's pretty kool. I got this really really kool bracelet which Doni got for me. Thanks Doni! =P (lol *wink wink*) I have so much more to catch up on!! I'll write tomorrow morning, errrrr I mean later today. I just saw it was Thursday already (time's 12:11 AM). Well getting kinda sleepy, did a lot today so Emi's tie-tie =P (hehe). Lots of luv and see ya later.

A message to someone: II y a tellement je veux dire, mais je ne peux pas sembler trouver les mots. Je souhaite que vous m'ayez dit que vous partiez, au lieu du juste congé sans même dire au revoir. Je vous ai aimés avec tout mon coeur mais tout de même vous m'avez laissé(m'avez quitté) cassé(violé) et seul. Mon coeur ne peut jamais réparer mais je vivrai toujours sur. Vous avez apporté la misère dans ma vie, vous étiez la meilleure chose à jamais venir et le plus mauvais. Pourquoi tout de vous devait-il être si parfait ? Pourquoi avez-vous dû aller et me faire vous aimer ? Maintenant je sais(connais) quel amour vraiment est et comment bon ce n'est pas trop aussi la douleur involed. Je suppose que je continuerai ce quelque autre temps, jusqu'à au revoir.

Songs I feel like now: Evanescence - Tourniquet, Kiley Dean - As Days Gone By, Britney Spears - I Love Rock n Roll (Cover), Krezip - You Can Say, Saliva - Weight of the World, Linkin Park - Faint, Justin Timberlake - Never Again

Date: 9/6/2003

I cannot believe what I did last night... I don't know why I did it but I hooked up with my friends boyfriend, well she's not really my friend but I know her and we're kool. It was so fun last night but yet I feel bad... I don't know what to think. He said he was gonna stop seeing her or something like that... but the thing is I don't want to be his girlfriend, I don't know what to say. Then last night I hooked up with this girl as well... I really should settle down because this isn't me at all. I don't usually do things unless I'm with that person or really like them, but lately it's just been people who really like me. I like having control, where I can easily munipulate that person quite easily, but I know that's bad. I've also been talking with this girl on/off and I know she's a liar. She lies about everything and munipulates several people at a time. I wanna try to pull her in... Get her under control. I tell her everything she wants to hear and she's pretty into how I look soooooooo... (lol) I think I might have this. Oh and then there is this other guy who really likes me and he's such a good guy but I just have no attraction... I hooked up with him, not cause I wanted to but because he was the aggressor and I couldn't just be mean. Oh and because I was with this girl as well with him, so I kissed him and asked her if she wanted one too (lol) She's all nodding and smiling, it was pretty funny. Oh my gosh and I have to tell you about this other person too... so much to catch up on, I gtg right now so I'll try and right if I get bac home.

Songs I feel like right now: Evanescence - Understanding (Acoustic), Linkin Park - From The Inside, Bjork - Play Dead, Bjork - So Broken

Date: 9/16/2003
Hi again... It's been awhile. So much has been going on and I feel pretty overwhelmed... well let me give you an update. Ok so my friend Tiffany and I have been getting along really well, she and I are gonna prolly go to Knott's soon =) I found out at the beginning of the school year that she's a lesbian! I always knew she was bi but I was surprised to find out she had a stud girlfriend...O_O!! I'm so happy for her and I've been supporting her one hundred and ten percent. Some of here friends and her parents aren't as accepting as I am and I know how that's really hard for her. Her girlfriends name is Melissa and supposedly they're really in love already (lucky her)and are even talking about marriage (!!!) which is a little too fast but hey whatever. Anyways, she and I are going on the 26th to Six Flags, where they will be holding Gay Pride Day. I'm really excited, and she said she's gonna hook me up with a bunch of people... I think she wants me to be a lesbian with her (lol) cuz she doesn't really know anybody else who's in the same situation. Maybe I'll meet somebody there, who knows right? =P It's gonna be so much fun... anyways speaking of relationships, remember that guy I spoke about last time? The guy I hooked up with? Yeah, names Doni... not the other Doni I spoke about, but the one in my area, well he and I were hanging out a lot and he was really preasuring to make me his and I was pretty hesitant. Well last Sunday he asked me out in the theaters, while we watched Cabin Fever (which was such a bad movie), and I said yes... though I really wasn't too sure... He told me I couldn't hook up with any girls though!! and I was like wait, no girls? I'm already bad enough in a relationship but having to devote myself to only one person, ahhh that's scary. I mean I need to have at least girls... well i was planning to hook up with girls either way but then again I don't know if I should get into a relationship where he's gonna be really possesive. Well anyways, I was having a really bad day yesterday and on top of that Doni calls me up and he's like "I think we moved to fast, and rushed into things... I need time to think." Ok well that made me feel like shit... I know he's choosing whether to be with Melissa or me... and I even asked him, which he admited to. That fucking makes me so mad... I don't wanna "lose" to that girl! I really don't care if I'm with him that much, it's just the fact that he's in control now and I want to be the one to say we're together or not... I don't want him coming up to me later on saying "Oh well I'm done thinking and I choose you." I'll be saying "Fuck this shit, I'm not an object or a piece of candy that you choose out in a candy store, it's like he's choosing which one tastes better. Fuck that... I'm not gonna be compared, I know that I'm better than her in a relationship. I don't need him, I'm seeing 4 other people anyways... They've asked me out and I said I'm thinking about it, so I still have them. I know what to say to get him though... I know how to munipulate him. I never ran anything on him while he was going out with Melissa, I'm not into getting with people have girlfriends or boyfriends... I wouldn't want my bf/gf to cheat on me so why would it be ok for me to be the one people cheat with? That would make me a hypocrite. I've been asking people what I should do with this whole situation with Doni, and everybody is telling me to just say fuck it and go on with my life so that's what I've been thinking of doing. Oh this is random but I had my first job interview today! It was with Godiva Chocolates, and I think I did really well. Anyways, he was telling me about the job and it really sound shitty... I have a job opurtunity with Sam Goody this music store in the mall. I'll probably be getting the same hours so I'm just gonna go there and ask for that interview because I really don't wanna have to dress conservative all those days for work and I'll be getting the same pay as Sam Goody, and with Sam Goody I'll be getting discounts on music which is really kool. I really need time to think about all this... I mean everything going on in my life. My life's looking pretty good right now, I'll be getting a job, I have my car, hopeful relationships available all around me, and lots of great friends *smiles* heh Oh (random) you know what?! I never told you about hooking up with Doni and Jessica (the other Doni) on a minature golf course! (lol) I wonder what day that was... I'll have to try and remember later on and I'll put in the date. That was pretty fun... Oh my gosh Doni was such a horrible kisser =( He just stuck his tongue in and wiggle it around it was really gross... and jessica well she had a really dry mouth. I was the agressor... She was too shy to go and kiss me so I had to kiss her first. I think I intimidated her because of the way I looked. She said she wouldn't think that I would hang around a girl like her... Well I luv everyone, everyone's surprised in the people I like. Not one person that I've been with looks similar. That's why my friend Michelle says I'm so weird because I have such a variation in people I hook up with. I have yet to hook up with an asian, middle eastern or a black person... well basically somebody who's not white. Actually I've hooked up with 2 people who aren't white! but they were of hispanic/native american background, I think. I'm not racist though, I'm just generally not attracted to them. I was just thinking, and I think that I want things that I can't have, wel sometimes. I guess it all depends on the situation... That was so random (lol) Gosh I'm a freak... well anyways, back to what's going on right now. School has been easy, my senior year I stay at school I'm barely there. One day I leave at lunch and the other at like 9:45 so it's really easy... Plus I only have two "real" classes the other ones are just fill-in classes. I have friends in all my classes too, well except for my English class... I know ppl in there but no real friends in there. I have people I can talk to though so that's kool. Awwwwwwwwww.... I just remembered I have senior picture make-ups this week and I have this blemish on my face from my period >_< I always start to break out when I have my period... It really sucks ass... =( I guess that's my only downer for the past few days... Hopefully I'll look ok by at least Friday. I mean it's not that big of a deal cuz I have make-up to cover it up but it's a pain in the ass ya know? I gtg right now, but I'll be back later to finish this all up =) bye for not luvs

Date: 9/22/2003
Ahhh I feel so refreshed.... well lets see what has been going on. I got asked out by Doni, and we were together for a day than we broke up because I still wanted to hook-up with girls, and he was being a little bitch about it so I said fuck him. Oh I think he told Melissa it was me to make her mad and get my ass kicked but hell I got my ppl to kick her bitch ass anyday. I can't get in a fight right now cuz I have things to to do, places to go, people to see, know what I mean? ; ) I just remembered pride night at six flags is this Friday!!! (YAY!!!!!!!) I'm so excited... I can't wait to meet all these gay people (lol) Tiff is stressing over a ride tho... I mean to the Valley to this chick named Kat's house. SHe was gonna be our ride back home. Tina who's Melissa's best friend was supposed to go with us but now she says she doesn't want to for some weird reason. I invited Michelle and asked for her support but I dunno if she'll go... She's kind of homophobic =( Plus she thinks that I only get with girls for fun, and would never get in a relationship with one but I would! I have... and she still thinks it was all in fun, well whatever. Maybe I'll meet someone real kool at Six Flags... Oh I was thinking of inviting Jessica, but then I would have to be a couple with her so I wouldn't get to meet other ppl which would suck, but it would be nice to be with her. I saw Doni (the old one) this weekend, and he spent a grip of money on me >_o I feel bad... =/ I have absolutely no money though, because other wise if I had the money I would have paid for myself. We got to hang out and last Saturday. We went to the arcades and then to dinner at this place called Asia Buffet which was really good. Then we went down Ventura Blvd to this place called "The Spot" where ppl just chill and relax. They had hukka there, which is flavored tabacco. It was in this huge bong thing, they have charcoal at the top and it heats up the stuff, then this pipe thingy comes out where you suck it in and take some hits. The whole thing was really kool, I met one of Doni's friends named Tomar. He was kind of a chubby guy, but I actually thought he was cute. He had to other friends around him, a white guy and a hispanic/arabian guy, and damn one of the guys (the white guy) was so hott. He had gorgeous lips... *drools* I really like lips for some reason... I dunno I'm kinda strange I guess. I would have tried to hook up with him but I was with Doni and he likes me. I'm normally kind of a bitch but I care about Doni so I didn't want to hurt him. Man I've been feeling pretty lonely lately, I really wish that I had Suzie........ I miss her so much. I know it's stupid to carry on about that but it still hurts today. I just want somebody I can hold, someone who loves being with me, who really appreciates me... *sigh* What's mean to be will be, so I'll see what life throws at me and hope to make the right choices.

Date: 9/24/2003
Gosh I always just cut myself off when I'm writing, well this time I'm gonna finish it completely. Ok well here's the deal with Gay Day... I don't think I can go anymore, I mean I could go but I don't have a lot of money plus I don'tthink I can stay for that long. Good news is that I found out that Disneyland is holding their annuel Gay Day on October 4th or 5th so I'll probably go then, since it's on a Saturday I can stay there longer. I'm kinda worried that I won't be accepted by some people because I'm not full on gay but I guess I could be gay for that day (lol) it'll be fun. Anyways, Doni called me last night (the stupid one) and was like call me later if you want to talk and i'm like "Ok..." but I had things to do and never called him. He's such a weirdo... =/ I really want to munipulate him and screw with his emotions than just crush him. I know that's really mean but I do... I don't have time for that though so i'll just ignore him, it's easier that way. Oh I spoke with the other Doni last night too! He and I spoke on the phone for like an hour and a half, talking about whatever. Oh my gosh we got into a conversation about freaky things that have happened and what's really creepy... *chills* That whole thing freaked me out O_o He was all alone and he's like "Gosh I'm so scared now... I don't wanna walk into the darkness." (lol) I was like "Go face ur fears!" and he was like "Hell no" (lol) I always have fun talking to him... Oh! I just remembered! I got my job today!! (YAY!!!!!!!!) I start on Monday =) I'm so excited... oh and later today while I was leaving the mall some guy was picking up on me, he was 23! He was pretty cute but a little weird... *shrugs* and then I met this guy at the dog park he was 21 and he's in a band!! He was really cute... well not REALLY cute but he was up there. He had long hair *drools* Had that whole "rocker" look goin' on. I looked like shit tho... so I don't think he was feeling me too much. I was just taking Ben to the dog park, I wasn't planning to see anyone. Oh and I saw my teacher there (who I also think is cute =P) O_o I got my senior photos back and i have to choose one, I guess they're OK... They could be a lot better though. Well enough of that bull shit... Let's get in a lil deeper. My heart has been feeling hurt, which is nothing new because this pain never stops. I have to go on and bare it all alone. If only I could cry it all away... I wish I had something to just make it fade away. I feel like a part of me is always missing, like I'm never satisfied, never happy. Life's been good but at the same time nothing's really changed. I've just realised I've become numb... I need something to make me real again, I need something to make me feel again... Suzie, well this is to you. I wish that you would have never gone away, you were my everything. I loved you with all my heart, and I this love still burns inside of me for you. I know you're gone though and I can't do a damn thing. If only I just knew you could hear me when I talk to you... If only I could have just one more moment to spend with you, I would give anything to have you with me. Maybe I'm just a fool, maybe I need to move on... I mean I've moved on but it still hurts to not have you here. All I want is just one more chance with you, one more time to tell you that I love you. I feel like i've given up, my heart is so closed up inside of me that I can't ever let anyone in. It's so hard to see all these people come and go so fast. There's so many things to tell you... I wish I could go back in time when we just had each other and nothing else mattered. I love you Suzie... I always will, you're always with me and someday we'll be really together, but until that day comes i'll have to manage with my heart. Well I better go... I have more to say but I don't feel very well right now. Much luv out to everyone, later.

Songs I feel like right now: Lacuna Coil - Falling, Evanescence - Understanding (Acoustic), Ashley Gearing - Can You Hear Me, Ben Harper - Welcome to the Cruel World, Limp Bizkit - Down Another Day, Andre 3000 - Take Off Your Cool, Delta Goodrem - Not Me, Not I, Bjork - Play Dead

Date:9/25/2003
My dear Journal, I always end up coming to you in the end. What a day today was... I guess it was ok. I washed the cars and I got so fresh, so clean ; ) (hehe) There's going to be a concert this weekend, well I think it's Monday. Lacuna Coil is gonna be playing, my boss told me that I should go. I probably will, I love concerts =) even if the band sux it's always fun. I feel pretty content today, I mean a little lonely every now and then but other than that i'm doing ok. I can't believe I'm saying that, that i'm "ok" now... I haven't felt this way in a long time. My life's really getting on track... I have a job, friends, a car, my dog, hook-ups =P and an over all well being. God must have blessed me after all this time well at least with what I have so far... It's been a long road. All I really want though is someone to call my own, someone to love... =( you can't get everything you want though. Love hurts... but it's better to have loved to have never loved at all. Oh speaking of things I want... I really want to start a band. I'm going to be getting into a voice class to make my voice stronger, and I've been messing around on my guitar lately coming up with this and that. I learned how to play Nirvana's "Heart Shaped-Box" on the guitar, and I've been singing it. My finger hurt after playing the guitar though >_o I know you build up padding or something on the tips of your fingers after a while. So far, I know a bass player... I could learn how to play the drums but I don't know if i'll be able to play and sing at the same time. I want to be in a band with all guys... I don't want another girl in the group because they'll cry for attention. I've already written a bunch of songs, but now I need to figure out music for it. I need to get some new clothes (random lol) I really want some weird looking shirt, and I really want a scarf... I don't know why but I do. Maybe I'll go to Hot Topics this weekend and get some arm warmers... I got some from this guy a while back but I lost one of them =/ I was so pissed off at myself... I lose so much stuff it sux. I've lost a lot of money too, or maybe it just gets stolen from me. I've dropped over at least $200 through out my life, like just drop on ground and me not know it. I'd put it in my pocket (since I didn't like purses) and it would fall out, pretty stupid huh? Oh well, can't worry about it now, what's done is done. Oh I think I'm gonna be selling my car and getting a new one soon. I want to get a truck, so I better start looking around. Well I gotta go right now, I'll be back later to finish my thoughts. Ben needs to go to the Dog Park (I promised him =P). Peace out yo! ;)

Songs I feel like now: Evanescence - October, Evanescence - Away From Me, Krezip - For Sure, Lillix - Promises

Date: 9/26/2003
I never seem to make it back to finish up my thoughts >_o Well you won't believe what happened to me yesterday. I'm happy but disappointed at the same time... Last night I decided I would go online because I hadn't spoke with Jose in awhile. Who knew what would happen next... well I was just talkin to Jose and then I get this IM out of no where from Suzie!!! Oh my gosh... I was so confused, my emotions were so flustered. She started talkin to me telling me how sorry she was for what she did to me... Supposedly she had a baby O_o A baby boy named Anthony with her ex boyfriend. When I asked her if she was pregent when we were together, she had said no... but I had met her six months ago. It takes 9 months to have a baby, so somethings not right her. Maybe she just went crazy or something... I mean she said we met in 2002 which we didn't. I met her on March 27, 2003... This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I know this is bad, but I sorta wanted her to have just died, because this would have been a lot easier for me. Now she comes back out of no where, complicating my life once again. It's hard having to deal with this, I love her so much and yet nothing is right. I wish that everyone could just be up front and honest, because it'll avoid any problems in the future. I wish that I could just find somebody who is real, and true *sigh* Whatever... I'll have to be patient, I know someday I'll find that somebody to love. It hurts loving someone so much, and having to let them go. I have to do this, I have to let go... My heart doesn't feel right anymore. I've been hurt so many times I've grown numb. For the first time in months, I was able to cry. Last night my tears fell... and for so long I wasn't able to do that. For so long those tears were held inside not able to be released... This weight was lifted from me last night. On a totally different note, I got my schedule from work today and looked at a few music schools. I'm gonna see if there's a concert tomorrow that I can go to, and maybe meet some people. Lets see what my plan will be tomorrow: Wake up early and go to Dog Adoptions this weekend, afterwards get gas, take a shower, get my hair done, get work pants, go find some people and go to the Roxy. Oh and supposedly there's a girl who looks like Amy Lee from Evanescence at the local Starbuck's *wink wink* I'm gonna see if she's bi or something. I'll have to see if I like her first... but usually goths are bi-sexual or gay, or really kinky with guys (lol) Anyways, that'll be sometime next week because I don't feel all that confident this week *shrugs* You know how you have those days where you feel good and sometimes you feel like shit? Yeah well I'm havin' some shit days. I'll get over it soon but it sux... So yeah, I got somethings to do (hehe) Busy busy... Oh and on Sunday I'm going to go see Doni. That's always fun =) Well it's about 9 PM now... Suzie was supposed to come meet me on here and she promised but she probably forgot *shrugs* Promises are meaningless nowadays. Well I better go... Much luv out to everyone who understands =) Later.

Songs I feel like right now: Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale, Evanescence - Understanding, Avril Lavigne - Knockin' On Heaven's Door, Linkin Park - Easier to Run, Justin Timberlake - Never Again, Nickelback - Someday

Date: 10/5/2003
Well hello again... So much has happened this past week . First off I worked and it wasn't too bad. My boss, Juan, is really kool and we have a lot in common. It's really easy to talk to him... Anyways, the biggest thing that happpened was last Tuesday when Kosta had invited Doni to Amy's practice. Doni brought Melissa along with him and as soon as she got there she started to charge at me but he grabbed her. My friend Kosta walked up to her and tried to calm her down... I wasn't about to get into a fight because I don't do that. Plus I was carrying a switch with me and I didn't want to get in trouble for that. She was tellin' Kosta how she wanted to kick my ass and stuff.... You Know what I don't understand? I've been cheated on but i've never wanted to go after the person that my bf/gf had cheated with, I mean it doesn't make any sense. I don't understand these girls that do that, the one's who stay together with this person who cheated on them... *shrugs* I mean after one time, I kind of lose trust so I can't stay with them. A relationship without trust isn't a relationship at all in my eyes. Anyways, so Kosta comes back cause he didn't want to ditch me and he tells me she's really pissed off. He also says it's fucked up that Doni had told her all these things and blamed everything on me, he wants to tell her the truth to her but he doesn't screw Doni over since he's his friend. Well anyways, I tell Kosta that he can tell her she can come over to talk to me if she remains kool... so he's like okay i'll tell her but first he had to make sure it was ok with Doni. Soon after she's walking towards me with this angry look in her eyes... I stand up and face her, and I'm just like "Look I'm gonna be straight up with you and tell you everything that happened." So I told her everything except for a few things I had forgot to add... Then she starts telling me all this shit about how they were never broke up and that he told her we did nothing, plus she tells me that he told her it was me, she didn't know at all which Doni had said she had already known. Doni had also remembered my number and called me, which she had deleted all his numbers in my phone. Normally I would be really pissed off since there was so much lying but I guess I really never had trust in him since I didn't feel anything. I just didn't care at all... I felt bad for Melissa, since she has such a loser as a bf. I told her she deserves better and she's like "Yeah I do..." but I think she's still with him. Who knows... I haven't heard from either of them since. She gave me a hug and told me she was sorry I got into this situation, and I said I was really sorry too. This whole situation is really sad... Anyways, I'm over that whole situation. On a better note, I've been spending some time to myself today and just writing music. I wrote a piece on the guitar called "Consume Me"... I need to work on it some more, piece it together better but I got tierd, and lost my passion while writing. All my emotion was drained into that song... I'm gonna sign myself up for music lessons soon. My parents don't want to support me in any of the things I do, I have to do it all on my own... If I believe in myself I can do anything, and I'll follow my dreams even if people don't believe in me. I'll be there some day, some how. Umm... I'm not going to get into that. (Random) I'm going to be getting a new video camera soon... I think it's called a Canon Elura 50. It's super small, now I can take videos instead of take lame-ass pictures. I never take pictures or videos... There hasn't been any memory that I've really wanted to hold on to. I just let go of the past and live on... *Sigh* I felt like everything was falling into place but now I don't know what's going through my mind. I wish that I had a place where I belong... A place where there's love, caring and trust. Let me try and get everything down that I'd like to have cleared up... I need/need to do: Money, Ford Ranger, Music Lessons, Laptop (Camera plus extra cash), sell my PS2's, try to get with the chick at starbuck's, maybe start a band (i was thinking about a tattoo...), get the DVD movies I want, More days for work, the back piece to my car alarm, a present for Tiffany (a vibrator lol) (her b-day's on Oct 11), clip the bird's wings and the lizards, starting my scholarship folder, organise my folder, scan the drawings I've done recently, work on this site, motorcycle, start working out more (taking better care of myself overall), dye my hair again, get the Steppin' Out magazine online, scanning my senior pictures, and finally find someone who really cares about me... Ahh my emotions are all crazy, and my mind is so scattered >_o I better go, I'll try and write more soon.

Songs I feel like now: Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down, Cold - No One, Foo Fighters - Times Like These, No Doubt - Just A Girl, Hole - Malibu, Tori Amos - Time, Bjork - So Broken, Ari Hest - Incomplete, Alice In Chains - Down In a Hole, Nirvana - Rape Me

Date: 10/9/2003
Down another day... Not much has happened lately. I've been practicing playing "My Immortal" on the piano and practicing performing my song (Consumes Me). I went to work on Tuesday and worked until 10 with Yolanda and Carina. Carina is pretty kool, Yoli is kool too she's just serious about her job. I get paid tomorrow so I'm excited.... =) I won't get to go out on friday, because I work the whole day. I go to school then I'm off to work =P It's kool though, I'd personally rather be working and making money then hanging out with my friends. Spending time by myself is nice sometimes... I really needed some alone time. On Saturday I want to go and buy a rainbow wristband so I can represent ;) (lol) Nah, I just needed something for Gay Day coming up soon plus I don't have one of those yet. I've been looking to find a scarf, I know what you're thinking: Why would you wear a scarf in LA? Well sure it's not cold but I like how it looks *shrugs* Plus nobody wears 'em so I'll be the first. That reminds me, I need to go get a plain blue shirt, or a light blue one to match with that wrist band, and I'll prolly get some jeans as well. I also wanna get a Smashing Grandpa shirt, but they're so expensive... >_< I mean for a t-shirt it's like 45 bucks! I saw a shirt similar to it at Hot Topic so I'll probably go there and pick one up. I could go to the Gap and check if they have a scarf. It'll probably be really expensive though... Whatever. You know what? They'll probably have it at a thrift store... but where's a thrift store??? It would be all vintage style too, hmmm... I dunno. I'm thinking about dying my hair a lighter brown... It's black right now, like a Raven color. I'll look like a mod girl... but i dunno, I'd prolly have to bleach my hair in order for me to get a certain color. I could go get my hair done somewhere, that would prolly be safer... Instead of me messing up my hair. It's gonna be expensive though, and I don't have money as it is. I'll probably do it during winter break... I've only had my black hair for like a month or two. I like it and everyone else likes it, but I love change so... I wanna try new things. Plus I wanna get one of those tans where you don't have to get into a tanning booth. It's cheaper and it won't hurt my skin so might as well try it. I gotta go do somethings so I better go... I'll try and come back later tonight to write more. Peace.

Songs I feel like right now: Linkin Park - Numb, Cold - No One, Limp Bizkit - Down Another Day, Nelly Furtado - Powerless, Tori Amos - Time, Evanescence - Away From Me

Date: 10/19/2003
Woohoo! Got my first paycheck on friday =P I've been hanging out with my manager, Juan, lately... I was supposed to call him today but I really haven't had the chance =/ Umm.. lots to talk about
Date: 10/27/2003
Wow... (lol) That last entry got cut off. Anyways, been doing lots of song writing =) I think I'm doing ok but I can do lots better... I think it was last Thursday I met this guy named Johm through my friend Tiffany. She needed a cigarette so she called him and damn... I wasn't all that captivated by him or anything but he was cute. He's in a band and he was texting Tiff telling her he liked me... so I thought that was cute. I'm gonna see him later today, I wonder what'll happen =P (hehe) I went out with Juan on Saturday, that's always fun =P I don't know if he likes me or not... I mean he takes me out pays for everything, gets me gifts. I don't know if he's just treating me this way as a lady friend or something more. I feel bad sometimes because he pays for everything... Umm anyways, I've been feeling okay lately. Deep down my heart's still broken... and the pain seems to get me at times but I'm managing. I wish that I could wash away all the hurting but it's not that easy I know. I wonder sometimes, why I hurt inside... Why is it my life had to go that way? I'll never know, I can only wonder. If it wasn't for Suzie... I think I would be partially okay. The pain of a broken heart lasts forever... I want to fall in love. I want to have that feeling that sets me free... I want to feel alive again... Can't get everything I want though. I always had hope and yet my dreams crashed before my eyes. I don't know what to believe anymore... I feel good when someone older percieves me to be very mature, a lot older for my age, though it shows me that I've been through a lot. Ahh... ADD is kicking in (lol) I better go, i'll try and write again soon. Later.

Music I feel like right now: Linkin Park - Numb, NIN - Hurt, The Distillers - Ask The Angels, Lene Marlin - You Weren't There, No Doubt - It's My Life, MxPx - Quit Your Life, Evanescence - Solitude, No Doubt - Running, The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Date: 11/4/2003
Well well well... UPDATE!!! Okay first off I have a bf now, his names Jon... ewwwwww what a loser. I'm trying to break-up with him but I dunno how I should. He's in a band and not really my type. At first when I met him he was kool... but over time I realised how lame he is. He's so boring, and not aggressive at all. He likes to play video games and he sleeps all day O_o... Riiiight... that is definetly all not a plus. His teeth are really messed up (that really bugs me) and he's very feminine. What I really want to do is find somebody already and just say I was still seeing that person... soooo I went to Best Buy today and picked up Finding Nemo then met this guy named Danny. He's kinda skinny... but not too bad on the eyes. It was so cute, he was really really nervous to ask for my number =P He was like stuttering and stuff (awww lol) so I gave him my number and supposedly he's gonna call me tomorrow or some time this week. There was also this other guy in another department who was kinda cute... I was gonna work my magic on him but I didn't wanna be some kind of "Best Buy" whore. Omg... I think I may have a problem or something... I've gotten involved in well "trouble" kinda like a life of crime. I don't know but I really get a rush by tricking people and just doing really "sly" things. I can usually munipulate people easily... and I don't know, guess I'm using that to my advantage. Oh (random) I wrote Suzie recently and this is it:
Umm hey… I got a quick message for ya. I was talking to my boyfriend and you came up in the conversation for some weird reason, I was thinking about it and I have to ask, is there even a "Suzie"? I mean you didn't even know the day that we met... If you loved me (like you said) you wouldn't have hurt me so bad, I just don't understand cause it doesn't make any sense. I wish that you would have been honest, that's all that mattered to me. The truth is all that mattered... You could have said anything and I would of understood... Whether it was that you found somebody else, you really weren't the person you were said to be, guy or girl, young or old, or sick and dying, it wouldn't have mattered as long as you were telling me the truth. How am I supposed to believe a random appearance by whom ever you say you are, telling me that you have a kid and that we met a year and half ago? We met in late March of this year, and last time I checked a human woman must be pregnant for nine months then gives birth. I really wanted to be your friend at least, but how can I be a friend to someone who's not real? Believe me I'm not holding on to this, it's just I think I deserve an explanation for all you put me through. I don't understand how someone could be so cold hearted. Just tell me if it was all a lie, if she's dead or alive, if she's real or not, if at a moment you actually cared… To who ever this is, I hope you understand. If you want to know if I really loved "Suzie" well… Think of the max amount of love you can give or feel and multiply it by the number of stars in the sky... That's how much I loved her.

Sound good? *shrugs* Yeah well... I had to say it. Bought tickets to Evanescence on November 26, at the Hollywood Paladium! Juan's gonna go with me... I'm so excited! Finger Eleven, Seether, and Godhead will be there as well... =) I have to figure out how I'll get a camera in this time. I really want a pictue of some sort with the band... just for whatever. I don't want to be just "another fan" ya know? I think I'm different from everyone else... Some day I'll be at that level, some day I'll be on that same stage. I'll keep following my dreams, and I know I'll reach them some day. Tiffany and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been kool... =P Plus I think that Melissa is liking me more (yay)! Umm lets see well so much has been going on I don't even remember a lot of it! I'll try and get back to you later... I must bid adew for now. Peace out =)

Songs I feel like right now: Aaliyah - Can I Come Over, Nirvana - About a Girl, Evanescence - Breathe No More, Staind - Outside, MxPx - Quit Your Life, No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life, Tracy Chapman - The Promise, Coldplay - THe Scientist, Faith Hill - Cry, Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow, The DIstillers - The Hunger

Date 11/27/2003
Long time no see! Bad news... Ben Moody from Evanescence left the band =/ and because of that they cancelled the show at the Hollywood Palladium. Grrrr.... They suck! Well anyways, i gotta return those tickets now. Juan got tickets to an Almost Acoustic X-MAS (KROQ) and the Distillers are playing!!! (YAY!) I wanted to see them so bad... and now I get to =) Some other bands are gonna be playing too so that's also kool. Let's see, I'm seeing this guy Sebastian but he's like 25 almost 26 O_o I don't know if that's good or bad... He's in a band called "Unresolved" he's the drummer, and he has a bunch of tats, a lip piercing and a mohawk =) I dunno why but I like all that stuff so much. Oh, Juan's like 25 too... and then I just went out with this girl Nicole who was 21 or 22. I'm also seeing this guy named Danny... who I think is 20. Doni wanted to mess with me but I didn't cuz I dunno but I thought it would fuck up our relationships and plus he's a bad kisser so I couldn't get into it. Lots of people have been wanting to fuck me, or go down on me... but I haven't given in. I'm gonna save myself for that special someone. A bunch of people have been asking me out... *shrugs* It's strange because I've yet to have found someone I really connect with. My confidence is getting a bit of a boost from all the compliments I've been getting but I could never let it get to my head. Lets see.... I've started smoking a bit too =/ Only if I'm really stressed out I'll have one but I won't just have one for the hell of it. My CD collection has grown a lot as well... I've kinda been stealing stuff for some reason =/ I can't help it, even if I don't need it I will, but not recently. I'm planning on getting a tattoo soon... but I don't know what to get. Oh yeah, I've just been diagnosed with ADD... (lol) Now that explains a lot of things! I just ordered Alex Parks' CD. I'm excited to get it... I really like her, I mean not only does she have a wonderful voice but she's also a stud, but a really cute one... I would get with her but I know I prolly won't ever get that chance. One day I'll be out in the world of music where I'll be able to share my music with people all around the world. I believe in myself, and people have told me that I could, so I'm gonna try my best to get up there with all those mainstream artists. I know it'll be a long and bumpy ride but no matter how long it takes, I'll make it. Im about to lose my car =( That's gonna fuck everything up... well I gotta go right now, I have some things to do but maybe I'll be back later to finish up my thoughts. Much luv everyone.

Songs I feel like right now: Alex Parks - Maybe That's What it Takes, Aaliyah - Come Over, Alex Parks - Falling Into You, Guy Sebastian - Angels Brought Us Here, Gareth Gates - Say It Isn't So, Hole - Dying, Smahsing Pumpkins - Stand Inside Your Love, Staind - So Far Away, Evanescence - Understanding, The Distillers - Love Is Paranoid, Zebrahead - Rescue Me, WIll Young - Leave RIght Now, Krezip - Why Do I

Date: 1/1/2004
New Year's eve was awesome! I'd have to say that was the best new years i've ever experienced... Instead of the same ol' shit every year going to the pier, i got to go to a party with my work pals. It was some guy named Ryan, he was kool... His girlfriend was all up on me tho, she kissed me a grip of times. I think this was the first time i had gotten really fucked up from drinking, I mean it was crazy I was alll over everyone. I hooked up with every guy and girl in there well the ones i was attracted to. Lets see, Ana-Belle, Ashley, Umm ryan's gf ( i forgot her name), Marcus, Chris, Janet (who i had just met that night, tho i work with her). Juan got really upset with me though, since i had kinda told him off... I don't like it when ppl try to act like i can't take care of myself. I may be drunk or what not but I can still take care of myself... I know when to say no, when to stop. It was true that Marcus (a black guy) was taking advantage of me, but it's not like he was a complete stranger so i didn't really push him away, but anyways Juan had grabbed me and said let me talk to you for a sec asking me if i was okay. It bothers me sometimes how some ppl can be really possesive and what not, so i said don't touch me, and said i was fine. I know that must of hurt him, and i do feel a bit guilty but you know what? I'm not gonna drag myself down because i wanted to have a goodtime on new years, I mean shit, it's New Year's eve ya know? You should be able to have one night to just go crazy.... so that's what i did. I know why i got drunk so fast though, I had nothing to eat and withen the first hour i had already had 8 full shots of vodka, and three beers plus i kept bumming cigarettes from people. I know i get pretty friendly when I drink and i warned everyone, well the ppl i talk to, that i do so hopefully it came to no suprise. Ya know what? Ana-belle had picked me up and took me to the party, but before that we had chilled at the beach just talking about whatever, it was really fun. She had spoked to me about how she really likes Juan a lot... and ya know what? Juan told me already about it so it came to no suprise for me. I feel like i'm in a bit of a "pickle" you might say.... Okay so here's the deal, Juan really likes me a lot, but i don't have any feelings for him at all i just see him as a great friend, and Ana-belle, whom I'm really kool with, likes him a lot. Juan doesn't want to get with Ana-belle because of me, well i think. I don't know what to do... everyone in the store tells each other to watch out for me cause i'm a bit of a charmer and what not. Do i seem to lead people on? I mean i'm a compassionate person but sometimes i don't even realise what i'm doing, or what i'm saying. So anyways, I just don't know what to do, I wanna make both of them happy but I don't know what to say to each of them... I feel like i'm playing cupid or something... I have to say the right things so that they'll get together. I really like Ana-belle and I wanna see her happy, and I like Juan but I don't see anything in the future for us, so i wanna make best of the situation. Hmm... anyways, back to the party! I had started flirting with Ashley a bit, and she was flirting back so i made best of the situation. I think i grabbed her ass a few times and I just started grinding up on her... Chris kept interfering though, it kinda pissed me off. I know he likes her but let her do what she wants, and if you don't have the balls to do anything then back off! So anyways, I kept kissing all around her face, and licking it every now and then... she kept gigling and what not so i was like ok i can tell she's ok, i'll have to ease into it though. Some how i was covered in beer, I don't remember how that happened at all... i've never had a moment where i didn't know how it happened. So, yeah they all brought me inside, i could hear them saying "she's really fucked up" anyways, so I sat down with her and some other girls and she just started grabbing me... she kept telling me to drink some water and what not. She kept "feeding" it to me in a way, and i just kept rubbing on her and one thing led to another I could feel her pus her tongue into my mouth. We were totally making out for at least 10 minutes... She was good too. I liked making out with her, Chris kept interupting saying "hey guys break it up, you've had too much to drink" but fuck that! If i drank too much i'm gonna take it to my advantage and use the excuse. I know he's jealous but damn, you can't be that way ya know? Like a little bitch about it... Anyways, she bit me, and damn when some one bites me i get going if ya know what i mean? lol I really like it a lot... Mmm... so yeah, I really liked making out with her. I had really been wanting someone to just kiss me... Just a sweet kiss. You know what that reminds me of though? I had just met this girl who works in Starbuck's named Jennifer and I kinda have a crush on her. Juan had said he got a gay vibe from her so with any luck I'll get a chance to mingle with her. She smiles at me when i went to get my coffee and i was in a sort "ahh" from it. When i got back to the store, i was like "Juan i just saw a really cute girl who works at starbuck's," and next thing i know when i came back after getting lunch, Juan had told me she had stopped by the store, and she had remembered me vividly. I get excited over little things like that (heh) I always get my hopes up in a way, even though i know i shouldn't be. I could just imagine us together (i always look farther ahead then i should) it would be perfect... but anyways, yeah so i'll write again on her to tell you about that. Back to kissing Ashley, we ended up on the floor some how and i had pushed her down on the ground and we started kissing again, but Chris totally fucked it up again, telling me to stop. Man Chris pissed me off... After that, I asked where Ana-belle was and Ashley had said she was throwing up and left to go check on her, then Chris sat next to me as i collected myself and was like "I'm jealous of you." I'm like "what the fuck? Why?" (though i should of been saying i know you are, you fucker) and he was like "because you got to make out with Ashley for all that time... and i really like her..." i wanted to be like "ha! in your face ass-hole, you don't have any charm!" but instead i was like "oh...that sux," That boy trys too hard... I mean I don't try and i can make out with some girl who's totally straight, ya know? what's that saying? Just kidding, I just get caught up with myself, when there's guys like that around me, ticks me off. Gawd I wonder how it's gonna be at work now... lol I can only imagine. You know what? After this I'm gonna take my chances in life, i'm gonna talk to that girl Jennifer at Starbucks... Wish me luck world. Oh yeah before i go... Kosta really likes me and Amy's being a fucking bitch because she's a fucking jealous whore. She always did that, gosh she's such a fuckin phony, she gets all she deserves plus more, that girl needs a reality check. Anyways, I'll write more again another time. Happy new year! Hopefully we will meet again soon =)

Songs I feel like right now: Jonny Lang - Breaking Me, Alex Parks - Falling Into You, Amy Studt - Just a Little Girl, Britney Spears - Toxic, Limp Bizkit - Eat You Alive, Sum 41 - Over My Head, Josh Groban - Alejate, Jonny Lang - Red Light, DJ Encore - Intuition

Date: 1/19/04
"Heart, I know I've been hard on you... I'm sorry for the things I've put you through." Anyways, back to my beloved =P I should be writing more on here soon since I got a brand new laptop... *shrugs* but who knows? Lets see what's new... Well last night I had so much fun hanging out with Nicole and Tiffany *smiles* I can be myself around them and it's always fun. I can't do that around a lot of people because I think they all have too many sticks up there ass. Went running last night, I feel refreshed today =) Probably gonna go to a club this friday with Ashley, Juan, Robert... some other people but i'm not sure. Oh yeah the whole Ashley deal is pretty strange. I flirt with her a lot more and she seems to play along. I don't know though, because I don't really like her, well I mean she's kool and all but I couldn't see myself going out with her, ya know? I don't even know if I even wanna hook up with her again. That reminds me, there's this girl named Rebekka, well awhile ago through Nicole. She looks like Jen, so I automatically liked her but Nicole had told me she was straight so I didn't think to do anything. Later on though, I heard she's seeing a girl and she's masterbating to girls... all this other shit, so I'm like "Heeeeey...=P" ya know? I told Tiffany awhile back that I kinda had a crush on her... but Tiffany having ADD like me didn't think of it or anything lol But anyways, I told Nicole and she told Rebekka last night. She said she got all giddy over it cause ya know, she's not some kind of Britney Spears or anything. Supposedly she just recently got into drugs though... Tweeking and shit =/ So I'm gonna see if I can clean her up, maybe if she falls for me she won't do it anymore. I'm not gonna get my hopes up or anything, I'm just gonna "go with the flow" ya know? So anyways I'll keep this updated on what's going on, hopefully >_o I gotta go do some shopping for Juan, and do some other things for myself... Like dye my hair again, go workout, get ready, work on my paper, and a bunch of other things. Good times, good times ;) lol Until then...

Songs I feel like right now: The Clash - Rock The Casbah, Kiley Dean - Should I, Britney Spears - I Run Away, Christina Aguilera - Walk Away/Infatuation, Our Lady Peace - Not Enough, Romeo Void - Never Say Never, Drama Rama - Anything, Humanleague - Don't You Want Me, Boxcar Racer - I Feel So, Jonny Lang - Breaking Me, Noise Ratchet - Crush, Blink 182 - I Miss You

Date: 2/17/2004
Long time no see... Gosh so much fuckin' stuff has been going on in my head it's crazy. Well let me tell you what's new... I met a new girl, her name is Megan. It's weird I met her through the internet. She's ok lookin', well at least i think she's cute but that's just me... Well anyways i met her on like thursday or whatever but i really met her on friday when she walked like an hour to just come see me at work... Little things like that mean a lot to me, it's sad, cuz it gets to me. Anyways, she was my first Valentine ever... heh It was pretty kool, I took her out and we got to know each other. I took her to Rocky Cola to eat then I took her to go shoot some pool. I got to kiss her if I won the game... it's funny cuz she tried losing or whatever, which was cute. After that we went to an anti-valentine's day party... that was interesting, to say the least. Gawd I made out with every person there including her ex-gf, Ashley, who i thought was fucking nasty... It's funny she was standing outside when I had stopped by to see Megan and she was telling her friend Jeremy how she would "do me" (lol) I thought that was funny... but yeah, I got to hook up with Megan the most, too bad I was on my period so we couldn't go all the way. She and I got topless in the hot tub with some guy it was fun. The guy was creeping me out though so I wanted to get out... She banged me and what not *cough* it sucked *cough* that was a little strange... I find myself easily taken after making out with someone so I need to watch out for myself, kissing girls is a "no no" these days. She seems like she doesn't like me that much but who knows *shrugs* I can't believe she was with Ashley though... I feel like a major improvment for her but then again mb she's afraid of getting attached to me since i guess it seems like I would be the type to cheat or whatever. She's going to go to her house tonight or whatever, I'm just thinking the worst... that she might ask her out again or whatever... who knows.... it sucks either way. I need to stop thinking about her because it's gonna drive me mad. I always do this, ya know? I count the moments until I can hook up with them again. I just had an epiphany.... Maybe I'm a nipho or something because I just realized it's not that I can't wait to talk to her again, not at all, it's "i can't wait to hook up with her" type deal. I just realised that's what I do... No I'm not a nimpho because then I would hook up at every chance I got... I just want to be "loved" I just want somebody to want me. I want somebody all to myself... Somebody who wants me just as bad as I want them. I just came back from Tiffany's house right now, she always helps me out. I love her to death, because she's just fuckin' rocks. I haven't really had friends who really watch out for me and with Nicole and Tiffany... I dunno I feel at peace, I can... trust them. Like when I'm with them I can be myself... They care so much... and I wish I could show them how much it means to me but I just don't know how. I hope we stay friends for a long time... cuz if I lost them, especially right now, I would be nothing. Life always seems a little brighter when I talk to Tiffany... It's weird... She really listens to me, and no one ever does that for me. I feel pretty lucky right now... I was about to have a mental breakdown about 2 hours ago but after talking to Tiffany I feel better... I feel calm. I know that nobody really understands me... seems like right when you think you have me figured out, I just confuse you even more, but with them I know they don't fully understand but I can see they're trying and it means so much to me. God blessed me this time... I guess even when times got really rough, especially in the summer, God seems to try and even things out... God sent me an angel or two to help me back on my feet. If they weren't in my life right now... I dunno what kind of person I would be today, and I'm glad I don't know. Tiffany had told me to write and that's what I did, she was right, I feel a lot better... I felt so empty earlier, like I had nothing, but I never really realised what I had in front of me already. I can't help but feel empty a little bit though, always having a part of me missing... Maybe someday soon, that spot will be filled, maybe I'll have that same feeling I had with Suzie... Someday... Tiff is right, I'm only 17, think of all the things I have lying ahead of me. It hurts tho... it hurts being alone... God send me an angel, an angel to love me. No point in waiting, or expecting... I just have to live life and stop looking. I need to remember that whatever happens, happens... and with every experience I learn and grow. Seems like I'm always like "love me, love me..." and it hurts being that way... I need to stop getting myself infatuated, maybe I'll meet someone soon, or maybe whatever I'm looking for is right in front of me, who knows... Until then...

Songs I feel like right now: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Modern Romance (Hidden track), Coldplay - Trouble, Jonny Lang - Breakin' Me, Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One (Acoustic), Good Charlotte - Change, Ari Hest - I Didn't Want to Say Goodbye, Eagles - Hotel California (Live), Switchfoot - You, Evanescence - Understanding, Blink 182 - What Went Wrong, Brian Mcknight - One Last Cry

Date: 2/18/2004
Think think think... That's all I've been doing for awhile now. I think I'm gonna start writing in this thing more often, I need to clear my thoughts. Gawd i was aching all over today, not only my body but my mind as well... I miss being happy... I remember when I was with Suzie telling me I was just glowing, and I wish I could be that ay again. I've been wanting to get into drugs for some reason... I dunno, like taking pain killers and what not. I wrote at school today and this is one thing I wrote about: I realised I don't really like Megan... I just want to fuck her basically, I mean she's a kool person and all but it's not like when I'm with her I listen to what she says... All i'm thinking about is "When are we gonna hook up again?" Plus I get the feeling she's trying to be very distant from me... She's afraid to get hurt, or attached to anyone, which I totally understand. She still fucks around with her ex, she's still holding on to her past. I know how it feels to have someone who you know looks better than you... so i'm guessing she's with Ashley (who's nasty) because she knows she's better and can have her on a fucking leash. She knows she can have her whenever and she has to try harder to keep me around... I wish people would let go of their ex's because I'm fucking sick of all this shit. Sure I have ex's, of course I care about them but I don't hold on, because I know it's over, what the fuck am I supposed to do, ya know? How ya gonna split with someone but still fuck around with them? You'll never experiment other people, you'll never let go... I know everyone is afraid of being alone, I mean it terrifies me, so I know that's why people hold on even if the relationship sucks. The idea of just always having that one person there is great... I'm guessing that's why Megan is still holding on. Anyways, I have to work tonight... I close alone with Chris. I've been thinking about hooking up with him... I dunno it's funny because I actually am really thinking about having sex with him. I don't wanna throw myself away though... I need to love that person... well that's what I keep telling myself but I dunno. I think I need to let go, and experiment now... I need to enjoy myself. i'm still young, I have so much to experience. Well I'm about to go to work now... (Yay me jk) anyways, I will write again soon. Later.

Songs I feel like right now: Andre 3000 - Take Off Your Cool, Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps, Chingy - One Call Away, Audioslave - Getaway, No Doubt - Simple Kind of Life

Date: 2/19/2004
I'm feeling so empty right now... so... so lost withen myself. I wonder what each day brings, for every day is a new day that brings new life. I cried today... I cried for the irst time in so long. I haven't been able to let the tears fall for so long because I feel as if I have grown numb from the hurt. I actually cried during my favorite movie Vanilla Sky. I've seen it a million times but when it comes to the end, I dunno... I hadn't cried on that part in so long but I did. It felt so good to let the tears fall... It felt so good to "feel" again. It's just so sad to see how much David Aames (Tom Cruise) love someone so much and have it all be gone in an instant. Have something that makes you feel so alive, so real not even exist at all. That movie is so great... I love it to death. I miss all the little things that made me so happy... It's the little things that are so big. I miss being the simple words of someone telling me they miss me... or how they had me in their thoughts. I miss someone just holding me and nothing else runs through my mind other then the feeling of being with that person. I have a message I'd like to say to Suzie... Not a day has gone by where you haven't crossed my mind at least for a second. You really fucked me up but at the same time made me so happy... You made me realise what happiness is for the first time in my entire life. Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around... and the minute I met you my whole life flipped. No one knows the exquisite pain I felt when you left... No one will ever know, it still hurts to think about it. Why couldn't you have stayed with me a little while longer? Why couldn't you have given me a time to make it ok? No matter what... I'll love you. I'll always love you... and a part of my heart will forever be yours. I know you're gone but who knows, maybe we'll meet in another life, when we are both cats (smiles). So much time has gone by since you've gone, and look at me... still heartbroken, still hurting inside. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore... I'm losing myself. I don't even know who I am anymore... well I still know who I am but I'm changing. I guess it's time to come to an understanding, to truely let go... Sitting by myself, listening to the Vanilla Sky Soundtrack, I feel calm. I feel at peace... I feel like my mind is clearing it's thoughts, pouring out as I write in this journal thing. I don't feel so alone for the first time in awhile... God, send me an angel. Send me an angel here on earth to love me and only me... help me find someone to understand me, don't let me be alone anymore. I better go... I don't know what time it is but I need to get out or something. Until then... Remember it's the little things that are so big, and the things money can't buy that bring true happiness.

Songs I feel like right now: The whole Vanilla Sky Soundtrack... especially Nancy Wilson - Elevator Beat and Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye

Date:2/22/2004
Hey there... It's me again. Last night I went to my friend Darci's party... I drank too much too fast and threw up and passed out. That was an experience to remember. It was weird though... there wasn't any making out this time and Megan was really nice to me... She was all like "oh gee wiz...*playful hit or playful shove*" with me and I was kinda like "what the fuck bitch?" I just pretty much kept my own distance and my own bubble to myself... I didn't want to really be around anyone. I just know there's something between Megan and Ashley... and you know, I'm happy for them, I guess. I just wish I had what they have, ya know? I support love 100%... Even if I'm with someone and I like them a lot and I know it would hurt me to lose them... If they truely love someone else then I'll let go because I know it's better for me, better for that person and if you truely care about that person you'll let go. I don't know... With Megan there's something about her that draws me in... I can't explain it. I'm so lost... Ahhhh.... I don't understand... I don't wanna start liking someone who I know is still involved ya know? I know my heart will only be broken once again and I can't handle that right now. I'm gonna stop looking, I know that deep down I'll always be... I can't help it since I'm a hopeless romantic but I'm gonna stop. I'm just gonna take life as it gets thrown at me, who knows what'll happen within the next few days, few hours, few minutes, or few seconds because with every passing second is another chance to turn it all around. On a more different note... I'm kinda pissed off at Tiffany too. Her and Melissa don't ever fuckin' do anything. Tiffany's Melissa's little bitch on a fuckin' two inch leash... I mean she can't go out and do anything, she's only 17 she has so much to experience... Shit... She doesn't do anything and she's always just worried about what she's doing, oh Melissa this, Melissa that, what the fuck man? And also Nicole still likes me or whatever... It's kinda weirding me out again. I mean I know she's liked me since she met me but I dunno... I can't deal with her right now because deep down with every chance we connect she's probably thinking that there is still a chance with me but there is no way. I know that it's what's on the inside that counts and she's alright... she doesn't captivate me or anything but I know she's a good person. In a relationship you need to have that phisical desire towards that person though, ya know? Maybe that's just me... *sigh* Life's so fukin' complicated, it's great. It sucks at times but with life's complications you learn and grow as a person. You never know how sweet the sweet really is until you have a taste of the sour. and I know the fuckin' sour baby *winks* =) It's been tough the last few months but I'm making it alone... Every step of the way, trying to find my way. You know what that makes me think about is last night when I was talking to Juan, Coda, Darci's puppy, came and just laid next to me and fell asleep... I don't know that made me smile... It's always the little things that are always so big. Anyways... it's raining out right now and I'm just gonna go and stand outside for a little bit... I'm just gonna soak it in and feel the rain on my face and listen to it as each drop hits the ground. Don't forget to smile for me.

Songs I feel like right now: Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot, Five For Fighting - 100 years

Date 2/28/2004
I'm about to have a frickin' breakdown here!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going fuckin' crazy from work, and everything going on around me. I just can't stand having to be the one to have the balls to go and chase after people who steal. It's fuckin' ridiculous how nobody does anything about it... I need a fuckin' cigarette right now. I'm always the one who has to deal with people that look suspicious or steal something, and I swear the other make me look stupid when they don't say shit... I'm like, "It was these two right?" "Uhhh... i don't know for sure..." I mean shit, make me look like an idiot chasing after them or whatever and bringing them back to the store... I seriously hate my job. I fuckin' work in a ghetto ass mall and it's ridiculous... I think I'm gonna quit. I'm stressing out so much there. I can't stand working with all these fuckin' black people everyday. I mean shit, during the day it's fine because either white people or old people come in and that's kool... but shit when the sun goes down, it's a fuckin blackout inside. I'm not racist or anything but if you worked where I worked and had to deal with all these niggers everyday, you'd be a bit bitter towards them too. They always talk about how the white man "hates" well shit, if they wouldn't segragate themselves being all "ghetto" and acted normal instead of a fuckin' savage then we wouldn't be "hating". I'm not sayuing all black people are like that, because I have black friends who are really kool people but majority them in the media and in the world all act the same.

Date: 3/14/2004
I have to add some stuff that I wrote down, instead of typing it in here cause I didn't have time. Ok well here's an update. On Friday night, i went to work but after work I went out to Clockwork Orange... I thought a bunch of people were gonna go but it ended up being just Megan and I. Yup, that's write... You read it right, Megan. I hooked up with her again, we had a bunch of drinks and we just had a fuckin' blast. I bought a few of those "adios mutha fucka's" damn those were good... The music was shit, but I still had fun. I banged her and she banged me on the dance floor, it was fuckin' great... I must of made-out with at least 10 people though. Megan was a bit clingy, and possesive... and i was just like "whoa there, I'm doing my own thing..." She had told me that Ashley had asked her out again, and so they were kinda steady again or whatever but she still wanted to hook up with me... O_o Odd... the words she said was, "i cheated on her so many times..." and I said "fuck that, your young and she's fuckin obsessive!" and then Megan says "yeah your right! she's fuckin obsessive, fuck her!" Then she kinda pulls me in and makes out with me or whatever... Now in my mind, I hope she doesn't leave Ashley or whatver for me, because personally I don't want to be in a relationship with her... cause to me she's fuck buddy material, not someone I would want to be with, ya know? Don't get me wrong I like hanging around her but i wouldn't want to see or talk to her on a daily basis. Anyways, Clockwork was a fuckin' blast... Oh I forgot, Megan and I had met up with one of her friends who wanted to kill some time, named Erin, so that was kool or whatever... she had bought a few drinks or whatever and passed out on the cube in clockwork so some guy took her outside and then when Megan and I had left the club somebody asks us if we had come with another friend and we were like "Uhh... no, we came with each other." Then we thought, oh shit, it must be Erin. She was passed out the whole time... some guy named Ralph had sit out there with her the whole time... poor guy's shirt was covered in vomit, I felt so bad that she ruined his night. Well anyways, he carried her to my car and so I said we're gonna wait a little while to see if she wakes up... so Megan agrees and I said if she doesn't wake up then we're taking her to the hospital. So she didn't come to, so we tried to find a emergency room we could drop her off at... but fuck we couldn't find shit, and it was almost 4:30 in the morning, so I pulled over and called 911 and the ambulence came to my car. It was crazy... The thing that bugged me the most was the fact that, Megan didn't want to get in the back seat to sit with her friend, and she didn't do shit. I had to do everything... That girl doesn't have any fuckin' street smarts or something. Oh yeah, that reminds me, I had pulled over at the beginning to see if I could talk to Erin, so I got in the back seat to talk to her... and then while I was doing that this fuckin' guy comes out of no where and rests his head in my window... askin if I had been to some guys named Bobby's 23rd birthday or something... and fuckin' Megan tries to push him out of the window!! That guy was like "Shut the fuck up bitch!" and kept saying it again and again everytime she would talk... so i was like Megan be quiet, lemme talk to him... I had to level with someone who's obviously gone so I told him straight up what I had to do, which was take my friend to a hospital who's really fucked up. While he was spacing out, I climbed in the front seat and drove off... I thought this guy might of had a weapon or maybe he was gonna rape us or something, shit... that was scary and I also thought at first that it may have been a cop, but anyways, so much happened... I'll write more again tomorrow or something cause I'm getting tierd... so anyways, I'll tell you all the stuff that had happened in the past few weeks.

Songs I'm feelin' right now: The Cure - Lullaby, Alanis Morisette - Ironic, Coldplay - See You Soon, Evanescence - My Immortal, Alex Parks - Mad World, Eagles - Wasted Time, Journey - Don't Stop Believing, Big Pun - Still Not A Playa, Finch - Letters To You, Incubus - Drive

Date: 4/29/2004
You know it's been awhile since i've wrote in here... Well lets start over again, of course everything and nothing has happened. I've been deep thinking a lot though... thinking to myself about life and just a whole lot of shit. I wonder where i'll be 5 years from now... I wanna show the world what i can be, i just wanna do what i love. I love entertaining... my parents would never let me go into any classes though when i was kid... that sucked. I always think about acting and being in that business and how it's so hard to get in to. All i think about is all the millions of people who want to be famous, be an actor or get into "Hollywood". What's gonna make me stand out? What's gonna set me off from everyone else? That's why i've decided I wanted to become a writer... Screenplays in paticular... That's something I would love to do, that way i'll be in the entertainment business but I don't have to be an actress like everyone else. If only I had money to pursue my goals... I sometimes wished I had been born into a rich family who could get me into those sorts of things ya know? It would have been easier, but if ya think about it, once you get to that point where you wanted to be it wouldn't be as satisfying knowing that mommy and daddy helped you to get to where your at. Other then that, I got hit on by this chick at work. Juan tells me that she's really ugly, but I had thought she was cute. She comes into the store a lot and I see her quite often in the mall... She was waiting for me the other day when i closed and her friend was yelling at me telling me she thought i was hott and wanted to get my number. I ignored her though because I would rather have the balls to come up to me and ask me herself for it. I could have been aggressive and told her to come over and asked her if she liked me myself, but I'm not gonna do that. Maybe next time I'll do something like that, I saw another hott chick in the store the other day, she was hanging around these two gay guys so i'm guessing she must have been gay too... She kept eye balling me from the corner of her eye... but I had to go since I was off so I didn't get a chance to smile at her or give her that look of interest, ya know? She was hott though... Damn... I wish that meeting people was a lot easier... Sometimes I feel so alone that i'm about to just get with the next person who asks for my number ya know? Oh that reminds me, I don't think I ever spoke about Anthony but he was in my Photography class a while back and I had a bit of a crush on him but he was seeing someone, well anyway he came into the store the other day with his friend and he was telling me how he wasn't seeing her anymore and that he was gonna come in again to visit me at work. He looked a little scrawny but his face was still adorable. I think his friend likes me though because he came in by himself the day after to say "what's up" and I was like "oh.. um hey" which sounds mean but i said it in a really welcoming way. I totally forgot his name though... I feel bad because I know his face, but everytime he introduces me to him I totally tune out his name. Oh well I'll figure it out once he comes in again to say "what's up" again... I saw Kill Bill Vol.2 with Doni and that was good. The other day i saw 13 going on 30 with Juan which was good too... I wanna see Girl Next Door but it's not playing anywhere!! Gosh I wanna see Elisha Cuthbert... She's one hott mamacita...=P lol Ok well she's cute... Anyways, I gotta clean out the rest of my car since I took it to the carwash today, I want the inside to look as good as the outside does. Oh yeah, notsure if I had said this but I know now for sure that "Jen" is a guy, go figure. I never trusted "it" and i'm glad because I was right! Damn faggot, i hope he rots alone in the world. Oh i just remembered, not last weekend, or the weekend before that, but the weekend before that one I went to Clockwork with Megan and I met this guy who I danced with the whole night, who was cute, but in the end of the night we walked out with Chris and this other guy I forgot his name. Well anyways he was with me and he had a hard on for whatver reason when we were making out and he pulled out his dick and he had like three or four piercings on it!! It was crazy but I bet it feel so good to have sex with him... Although I haven;t had sex with anyone because I have morals and respect for myself to not let my virginity go to some random asshole. The weekend before last last-last, I went out with Juan and his friend Lewis to Planet Earth... That place fuckin rocked. Richard Blake was spinning and it was great... plus there was a lot of hott chicks everywhere =P Last weekend I went out with Juan and had a few drinks with him at El Torrito on the pier, then the day after we saw a movie (13 going on 30). I think 2 weekends before last I saw Megan and we were supposed to go out to Clockwork, when Juan couldn't get me his sisters ID, there was a grip of drama with Tommilin and Andrew, gawd that was stupid. I need to mark on my calender on what days I do what so i can keep track. Anyways, I better go... I'll write more later, and add some old writing in that I forgot to add. Peace out, or should I say "SOFIA OUT" lol

Songs I like right now: The Cardigans - For What it's Worht, Spirit - Nature's Way, Shivaree - Goodnight Moon, John Lennon - Imagine, Bad Company - Ready For Love, Nelly Furtado - Try, Eddie Money - Take Me Home Tonight

Date: 5/8/2004
You know I had the strangest dream... Well I've been planning on traveling soon and I was reading earlier on a book that Angelina Jolie wrote. It's about refugee camps and what not... I found it really interesting and now I'd like to travel as well. Anyhow, I was traveling and shit happens... I start to wander, well i think, and I run across her. She and I just hit it off right away, so I go back to my place for some weird reason, and there I find Tiffany and Nicole sleeping in my sisters bed. Well I mean it was late at night when we got there so i had to turn on the light and that's when i saw them. Naturally knowing them they started complaining about the light being on and soon as Nicole looks up to see who turned on the light she practically faints as I walk in holding Angelina's hand. So I'm like hey umm well you might know... and then i get interupted by Nicole freaking out over her. I just remember Angelina's face a bit uneasy and scared but familiar, i know how she must get used to this sort of thing. She kind of hides behind me so i tell her not to worry, she always looks and asks this way. Angelina, supposedly polite, introduced herself as Tiff and Nicole freaked out, so i tell them to calm down. Angelina and I sit on the side of my bed and we just calmly chat with Nicole and Tiff as they ask why she's here and explaining their obsession with her. Anyways, Angie and I are sitting closely next to each other and i feel her hand run over mine to grasp it... I look up at her and she has that look in her eyes, so I skoot closer and rest my head on her wrapping my arm around her thigh. I can sense the jealousy and envy from Nicole and Tiff as Angie cuddles in my neck not really caring anymore that they were there... Next thing I know she grabs my chin gently to make myself face towards her and kisses softly on the lips. I look at her and I put my hand on her cheek and kiss her with more of a passion... I can feel her hand running up my leg and I sense that's an invitation so as Angie continues to listen I run my fingers over where it's necessary and I can feel her bite my ear. While all that's going on I can feel the anger of jealousy building up inside of her... Oh yeah, and she had some kind of bear and cubs... I have no idea how that comes in but that's what she was talking about with Tiff and Nicole, I remember. I don't really remember what happened after that, but it was the next day all of a sudden and I woke up to find her gone. I ran outside to see her and her bear was leaving so I ran at super speed screaming "wait, please don't go!" I just remember her screaming something back at me as she disappeared down the hill, and out of my sight but I still ran. I ran screaming the same thing over and over... until when I stopped and stood there looking down trying not to cry i hear a voice say my name. I look up to see it's Angie and she walks towards me all dirty like we were in the wild (which we in a way were) saying she was sorry and that she loved me... Then I smiled and grabbed her and kissed her, and it was all like a movie as the camera soared up into the sky with us in focus... You could see us walk off holding hands... Then I look up at her and ask her something I forgot... I'm not really sure of what happened in the end other then we went to some movie and I woke up. I don't know about you but I believe in signs... so anyways fit the piece into the puzzle. Last night Megan and I went to Clockwork, gawd that place is so fucking boring now. I mean I could pretend like I'm having fun but it's the same ol' same ol' every time I go, I need to find a new place to go to. I feel like shit cuz I broke out a bit and i feel ugly... at least maybe I'll start my rag soon because I've gone irregular *shrugs* Anyways som e weird things are going on... and must bid adew. Until then, we're all human so lets all just get along.

Songs I like right now: Heart - Crazy On You, Kid Alex - My Way, Juanes ft Nelly Furtado - Fotografia, Hoobastank - The Reason, Chris Isaak - Wicked Love (Acoustic), The Divinyls - I Touch Myself, Black Eyed Peas - Hey Mama

Date: 5/29/04
Well well well... We meet again. It's been awhile as usual... My birthday was a couple weeks ago, that kinda sucked but what can ya do right? Anyways lets see what's new right now....... Tiffany and I aren't friends anymore. Nicole and I aren't too close either... Tommilin is getting on my nerves and school is going pretty good. Oh my gosh let me tell you about last night tho! Ok, I was originally supposed to go to a strip club with Juan but I changed my mind at the last minute. Megan had called and she wanted to go out tonight, I felt bad from last week because she kept calling and I didn't want to call her back or talk to her so I decided I'll go out with her tonight. Of course Juan was like... Umm I don't want to go anywhere, I don't wanna interfere... and i'm like fuck you man, she's not my fuckin' girlfriend so I can do whatever the fuck I wanna do, so he's like well.. ok I'll go but I'm gonna take someone, so I'm like kool, you better go! Anyways so I ended up taking Megan and we met up with Juan. Soon as I met up Juan I was having a better time because Megan can make me feel awkward sometimes when she's not talking. She's just so fuckin' shy it kills me sometimes... Well anyways the thing that happened last night was fuckin' great!!! lol I hooked up with this HOTT chick (and I mean wet in my pants hot)who was, drumroll please... 26! She was blonde, just totally fuckin' gorgeous, she was so cute too. She told me i was gorgeous (teehee) lol She was wearing this pink tube top with a pink pleated mini skirt, gawd I wanted to tear her up... grr... lol Her name was Rhonda, the thing that was kool was that she remembered my name the first time I told her. I told her I was 20 and she told me I was still a baby lol Gawd I wonder what would happen if I told her I was 18 lol Anyways, I hooked up with her... One of the best kissers I have ever kissed. I think I could of had a bathroom moment with her but I didn't want her to just be a random slut fest lol Oh bathroom moment is based off of this story a while back. I was at Clockwork and I was hookin up with this greaser guy and he wanted me to go to the bathroom with him lol (obviously to fuck) of course I said no but that's how bathroom moment was created and also from Megan having sex in the bathroom a lot. It was funny when she was talking to me last night... She was askin me all sorts of questions mb because she saw I could get chicks and guys. She always told me if there was two people she always got the ugly one... Hey shit happens right? Mb if she didn't have such fuckin' high standards she would have had a better time and if she isn't so shy. I get nervous sometimes to ask (well girls) but I do it and see what happens? Some girls are like "lets go baby" and some are like "no thanks" it's not a big deal. Life goes on and there are plenty more fish in the sea. I just told this chick, Rhonda, "Hey we gotta dance" and she said "Oh ok" and giggled. I could tell she liked chicks but I check everytime because I sure as hell don't wanna get slapped or something for tryin' anything she doesn't like/want. Gawd... 26...26 years old! lol I was braggin' last night, i have to admit. Juan was like "you just got it like that" it was funny, later on Juan and I sat on the couch and I was sitting next to this southern girl... I know southern girls are pretty traditional but she was pretty cute with her little hick accent. She was making fun of herself with her accent lol I thought that was cute. I need to find a new club to go to. You know what? That was the first time I had a really good time in a long ass time =) I just feel better today, so alive. Last week was pretty chill... Juan took me out to El Torrito On the pier and we had some drinks... Gawd I got so drunk... I don't know how much more my body can take lol We talked and played pool it was pretty kool. Oh that reminds me, Juan really likes me, I mean I can tell he wants to go out with me and kiss me and hold me. I can't do it though because i'm not ready to settle ya know? He just broke up with Ana-belle and so that kinda sucks for me in a way... because I know he wants to start seeing me. I gotta think about this though... I'm only 18 and he's 26 or 27. I know that age shouldn't matter... but really in a logical way it does. At 26 you're ready to settle and at 18 I'm just getting my life together and discovering who I truely am, just starting to really "spread my wings" to explore. You know, people tell me I have old eyes and an old soul... I guess I've experienced so much that my soul surpassed my physical years. It's funny, when I use this fake ID it says I'm 23 right? well I get in like air in the wind and megan had a lot of shit coming in and her ID is real lol So she doesn't look 19? and I look 23? I guess I do get percieved as being older. I told Megan last night, to hold on to someone you really do love, because once you have love, you can do anything. I've only been in love once and my heart was torn up, chewed up, swallowed, and spit back out, then stepped on too lol Ok mb that's a little overboard but i was hurt. I just can't trust people... This world is so corrupted... it seems like I always get betrayed one way or another, sooner or later *shrugs* What can ya do right? I really oughta write in her more often just to vent. Oh this is random but I totally told Jen off! I told him he is a sad pathetic loser... and that I hope he rots. I blocked any form of contact with him/her. Gosh once you're on my bad list, there's no going back. Just like Amy. She was telling me she was sorry and she never wanted to lose me but I told her I can forgive her but it's not forgotten and then never spoke to her since. She's a phony and I don't deal with or interact with fake people. I'm glad I got rid of all these things =) Life's just looking brighter and brighter... With Tiff, I'll talk to her but I know we're not friends like we used to be. She's just too involved with Melissa who doesn't let her have any friends. I don't want to be creeping around to be someone's friend, fuck that! I always thought it was "Friends first" but I guess I was wrong. I know when you love someone you do change and you tend to lose your friends, but I kept in touch with my friends while I was with Suzie. C'est la vie (which means "That's life" in French), everything can't be the way you want it to be. I gotta take a shower now, until then my only friend (well my dog Ben too) Live as if you know tomorrow is your last day.

Songs I like right now: Jeff Buckley - Forget Her, Kimberly Locke - 8th World Wonder, Nelly Furtado - Try / Build You Up, Led Zepplin - Living Loving Maid, Spirit - Nature's Way, Guns n Roses - Patience, Bad Company - Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Evanescence - My Immortal (Acoustic), Sugarcult - Memory (Acoustic), Justin Timberlake - Cry Me a River, Eddie Money - Baby Hold On To Me

Date: 5/31/2004
Suprised I'm here again in such a short interval? Well I had some news... Last night I went online 'cause I was bored after work and something interesting happened. I actually met someone who could make me laugh like I thought I never would in a long time. Her names Christina... She's totally not my type at all. She's 20, hispanic and has one of those ugly labrets but her personality is so kool. I know sometimes my shallowness can take hold of me but right now I'm working on looking past her overall appearence and look at what's on the inside. I like her... =) She's funny and sweet... not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can still hold up a conversation with her. I talked to her for like 3 hours and I still wanted to stay on to talk to her at the end of the night... Well not really, I actually was really tierd so I did want to go, plus I left Ben outside and I needed to go cuddle with him. It scares me a little bit though because she reminds me of Suzie when we first met... I like having people fall for me, I know just the right words to say to hit the spot and make 'em feel all tingly inside. That's the thing though... I can make others fall in love with me easily but when it comes to me, it's hard for me get too excited. Anyways, I'm supposed to go on tonight to talk to her... Look at me, stil thinking about her... I need to stop! I would much rather be fuckin' around with that girl Rhonda, but Robert was telling me she was too old... I guess so but she was so hot. I can't wait until this Friday because I'm going out to a club again and hopefully i'll meet another beautiful woman or hot guy. I'm really starting to figure myself out, I can't believe how fast the years have gone by, it feels like just yesterday I was in 6th grade running around like a little tomboy with all the boys =) Gawd, school was sucked so bad for me... and it's almost all over... I hated the tortured years I had at school, I would totally fuck everyone up if I could go back and say fuck 'em all. I know I'm better then them now, and they know it too... The only way they could feel loved is by being a slut, and I'm happy with myself you know? I have my morals that I strongly believe in and respect for myself. Not giving into temptation can be hard sometimes but I get just enough satisfaction. Plus I'm a true believer in fate, whatever happens, happens and that's the way it was supposed to be, so if that means having sex today or having sex a few years from now, what's meant to be will be. Well I gotta go now, things to do. Until then I'll leave you with this: Think before you speak.

Songs I like right now: When In Rome - The Promise, Christina Aguilera - Loving Me For Me, Ari Hest - Incomplete, Oingo Boingo - Another Day, Justin Timberlake - Take It From Here, Britney Spears - Anticipating, ACDC - Highway To Hell, Aerosmith - Dream On

Date: 6/5/2004
Lets start this gut spilling with this: Once you cross the line with me you're gone. This morning Nina was being a fucking cunt and it's nothing new she always has an attitude. The thing that took the icing off the cake was the fact that she brought up my past with depression and fucking called me a freak pissed me the fuck off. I wanted to fuckin' hit her in the fuckin' mouth and knock some sense into her. Now I never ever get violent, but when you cross a sensitive topic like that I will fuck you up. Nobody knows who I am, nobody knows the shit that i've gone through, so don't even try to act like you know me. Gawd that pissed me off so much, but I'm not letting it get to me, because shit happens. I felt really hurt though, because when someone says something like that I will go and cry. Growing up was so hard for me, nobody will ever understand and I don't dwell upon the past telling people the shit i've gone through. I'm not like that, plus I am who I am now and that's that. Well tonight I'm gonna go to Planet Earth. I was gonna go to Clockwork last night but I had to work and so I thought I would just go today. Anyways, I'm gonna go, just had to vent a bit. Until then, Don't take shit, and you won't be shit.

Songs I feel like right now: Mono - Slimcea Girl, Oingo Boingo - Another Day, Justin Timberlake - Take It From Here, General Public - Tenderness

Date: 6/27/04
Today I saw "The Notebook" which was a movie about true love... To be honest I think it wasn't all that great of a movie, poor acting at some parts, bad script, and kind of cheesy, but it really made me cry. I really feel so heartbroken and angry from Suzie... She hurt me so bad... Watching that movie made me think of those times when I was so in love. I missed that feeling... It's funny how good things come and go so fast but the pain will last you a lifetime. I wonder sometimes... What if one day I walk right passed her and not even know it? I'm scared to love again... I am so scared. My heart still hurts so bad... I can't write anymore, I feel drained from crying. Until then, Believe in fate.

Songs I feel like right now: Cheap Trick - Surrender

Date: 7/3/2004
Well last night was a very "interesting" night indeed... I went out with Juan, of course, and this is what we did. We were gonna go out but I got out of work kinda late but anyways, we wanted to find a new club to go to. Well I said we should go to The Palms, because it sounded pretty kool, but we couldn't find it, so we saw this place called The Tempest, which was filled with a grip of gays. It figures since we were in WeHo, so anyways... that place was chill. I didn't like it all that much because I like dancing and there wasn't much of a dance floor. Gawd I had this shot of mexican tequila and damn that was strong! I mean I love tequila but shit that was some strong shit right there. It was probably because I had nothing to eat the whole day, that it hit me hard. Anyways, afterwards we were still up and energized so we decided we would go to a strip club. I just wanted to go so I could say I've been to one but fuck this one we went to was so fuckin' raunchy. All I saw were black girls, and it was owned by middle eastern people so you knew it was gonna suck. It was so dark in there too that how could you tell if they were hot or not? Plus the girls had their bottoms off and not there top. That was fucking gross... and then in the back was some movie room, which was disgusting. I've never seen a porn, but gawd I thought porns were scripted, this shit was disgusting. There was an alright looking girl, and some nasty, hairy, pale old man who was balding fucking this girl. The girl had no emotion on her face, I couldn't watch that. I was telling Juan, that I didn't like this, because I feel disgusted by this porn and the strippers. I think it's hot when someone desires them because they love them, but to fuck someone lustfully and see that is gross. Well there's a first time for everything, maybe one of these days i'll go to another strip club (never that stupid one on hollywood blvd!) and mb I'll enjoy myself, maybe it would be fun but for now I don't ever want to go to one ever again if it's going to be like that. Anyways, I must bid adew 'cause my thoughts are pretty scattered. Until then, You only live once, so fucking LIVE it.

Songs I like right now: Styx - Crystal Ball, Creedence Clearwater Revival - Have You Ever Seen the Rain, Def Leppard - Promises, The Eagles - Victim of Love, Rolling Stones - Wild Horses, U2 - With Or Without You

Date 11/13/2004
Talk about a long time... I forgot about you for a while. Forgive me... Though I did miss writing to you. I've been pretty busy, I must say. Tonight I'm supposed to go out to a promotional party for a club someone is opening... I don't know though, I feel a bit drained out. I have a lot on my mind... I feel lost, but I feel like I know where I'm going. I feel sad, but I know I shouldn't. I feel alone, but I have the world and I want to love but... I still feel so betrayed. You know what? I don't think I know where I'm going, but what do I know? On a different note, I was going in to put in my 2 weeks notice today but I decided I would put a little more thought into it, so I'll probably do it tomorrow. It's been awhile, and I just need to get out. My time there is done... and now it's time to move on. I love my dog so much... Every time I feel unbalanced he'll stick by my side to make sure everything is ok... Just now as I was writing this Ben came up to me and poked his little head on my lap. He looked up at me with this purity, this unconditional love that only a dog has... I looked down at him as I stopped typing and smiled. There he sat beside me and looked up at me, and I lay my hand down from my laptop to his nose and he licked it once softly. I see his gentle eyes look up at me with appreciation... I scratch his head and smile down at him... Then he lies down right next to me. I love little moments like that =) Anyways, I did go to 93.1 ArrowFest, and I saw .38 Special, Styx, Boston, Steppenwolf, Edgar Winter Band, REO Speedwagon... Styx was so frickin' awesome and so was .38 Special. I went with Juan of course (yes he still is my friend, amazing huh?) I don't know how we've lasted friends this long, when you know how I am... I push people away after a certain amount of time. Whoa, flash back of Jonathan and I... He was a nice guy while it lasted, but we're both too intense. The only guy now that I think of it that I could ever get really sexual with was Doni... Maybe it's because I never got to know him, it was just such a sexual relationship. Boy, how times have changed... I guess I'll update this thing on what the hell has happened in the past couple of months when I don't have a fucking headache. Until then, logic will break your heart... Be brave.

Songs I'm listening to: Keane - Bedshaped, Gretchen Wilson - Cheating, Shania Twain - Party for Two, .38 Special - Hold On Loosely, Gwen Stefani - What Are You Waitng For, Mick Jagger - Old Habits Die Hard, The Stills - Gender Bombs, Britney Spears - My Prerogative, Rascal Flatts - Holes, Bob Dylan - Stuck In The Middle


Date: 1/15/2005
Happy new year bitches! I guess the reasin i;m on write now is because i feel like i'm at a loss once again... This whole day was just weird. First, it started off with a dream about Suzie... and this other girl who I forgot her name... She knew where she was and how she was doing, and something about Alchamy Pennsylvania... I don't know what that was about, but i kept asking for information and she kept giving it to me but then suddenly something would interfere. Anyways, that's one, then for the past two weeks i've just been feeling "blah" because Of what happenned on new years eve with Juan. Before I get into that, remember I told you about that hispanic girl who would come to my work, I had dreams about her and all that jazz... I just call her the OTEP girl because she asked about that with her friends. Anyways, she came into my store today and she looked at me with this look of desire which just makes me feel all hott inside. She's not that cute but she's got something about her... Right, as I was about to leave she came in... and I stalled a bit with my co-worker Erica, but I didn't want to pull her off to the side and... hey now that i think of it, I could have walked up and said "You guys need any help finding anything?" Then they prolly would have said no, then I would have said, "Then could you help me out with something? Take this for me?" And then i would hand her a piece of paper with my phone number on it and my name... ;) Next time, but who knows if there will be a next time *shrugs* Hopefully I will see her one more time, cause I really want to know her name... I could have done a lot of things to have spoken to her already, like dammit i just thought of it right now, but her friend was staring at me and smiling, I could have asked her to give her my number or could of asked her what her name was... SHIT!!! Anyways, I don't know if I said anything before but there was this girl named Kristle who works at Journey's, who I thought was cute, so I asked for her number and gave her mine. She ended up being straight but I think she's curious ;) I don't think I'll hook up with her because she's a kool friend ya know? Ahh I've got so much shit that's happened that I want to pour out but I have not the time or day to write in this often... Hopefully I'll be able to write on this tonight but we'll see. Until then, I'll get you some day, some how, some way, you'll be mine and I'll be yours.

Songs I like right now: Aslyn - Golden, Lindsay Lohan - Something I Never Had, Over, Lenny Kravitz - Stillness of Heart, Chantal Kreviazuk - In This Life, Lifehouse - Am I Ever Gonna Find Out, Counting Crows - Accidently in Love, Kelly Clarkson - Since You Been Gone, NERD - She Wants To Move, Frou Frou - Let Go, Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You, Sheryl Crow - Safe and Sound, Keane - Bend And Break

Later (11:52 PM):
I'm surprised that I came back, but I am so torn. I feel so weird... I thought to myself that I wouldn't do the same thing that I always do. Briana, Trisha, Ben, Jose, Jonathan... All hurt victims of me. There is always this thing that I do... I get extremely close to one person with this beautiful friendship, and then it suddenly comes to an abrupt halt. This friendship grows into something so strong, that it becomes more in their eye, and I just feel so lost at what I should do. It's funny because I even warn people when I start becoming close to them, that it's going to happen sooner or later, that I'll feel lost and become cold without explanation, upsetting you with merely not being myself until you get so upset you explode and maybe that gives me a reason to never talk to you ever again. They tell me with all there heart and soul, they won't give up, that they won't let it happen, that I mean more to them then words will ever be able to say, but it all ends up the same. Why am I like this? Why can't I just fall for someone? Why can't I just settle down for what I know will be good for me? Why can't my heart let go? I cried today, as Juan poured his heart out in front of me as I sat quietly in the passenger seat of his car gazing out the window. A tear trickled down my cheek as I took in everything he said because I was thinking to myself, why does this have to happen to him? I never thought that I would do this to him because I thought I would be able to actually have something for a long time, but I still warned him just in case. I sat in his car today as I watched myself in the reflection of the passenger window of his car, occasionally through the rear-view, pushing him farther and farther away, watching him fight to keep us together as we slowly drift apart. To see that I hurt someone again hurts me, and to someone I care so much about. WHY CAN'T I LET GO? WHY? I can't even remember what life was like before he was in my life... I'm trying to fight this feeling, to overcome this overwhelming wall that keeps building unwillingly, but it seems like as each day goes by it grows larger and larger with every moment I spend with him. I just want it to be like it was before... but I don't know how. This reminds me of Jonathan and I so much... I just remember him looking in my eyes after I had just gotten done telling him, one of these days I'm gonna push you away and him telling me that he would never let it happen with such sustain. I remember in the end when this "cut-off" was completed he came up to me and said he's given up, and that he tried and tried so hard to not let this happen but he just didn't understand. After he fought to keep us together with all his heart for so long one day he just smiled at me and said "I remember you told me this was going to happen, and I told myself I wouldn't let it because you mean so much to me. I tried my best to not let it happen, but there's only so much I can do and I'm sorry." We never spoke again. I don't hate him, and it's not that I can't stand to look at him or be in his presence, it's just ... I really don't understand this myself or why it happens... I don't understand it all to be utterly and completely honest. I remember each and every person fighting to keep us together so we could just be the way we used to be and them asking me what they have done, why I'm doing this. I remember I looked at them and said the same thing before I cut them off, "I don't know... I can't explain it. I don't mean to hurt you. I just... I don't know." It sounds like a pathetic example for an excuse but I'm being so truthful it hurts inside. I don't even understand how I could cut someone so close off just like that, in an instant without explanation or reason. WHY DO I DO THIS? I feel like sometimes that I just get this emotion that makes me so uneasy inside, so incomplete, and I take it out on the person who I care about the most. Sometimes I think I do this to save not only myself but that person in the long run from hurting. Maybe it's because I don't want them to waste anymore time on me or because I think they ask more of me then I'm able to give. Maybe it's that I'm more to them then I am to myself, or maybe I'm just scared to care. I just want it to be the way it used to be.

Date: 2/2/2005
Her work is acid and tender, hard as steel and fine as a butterfly's wing, loveable as a smile and cruel as the bitterness of life.

Songs I'm listening to now: Avril Lavigne - Happy Ending, Britney Spears - Do Somethin', Mario - Let Me Love You, Blink 182 - Always




Back Home


That's me =P

© Copyright 2003, Emi Inc. All Rights Reserved
No personal photos or text on this page may be used without consent