we went to the homeless shelter today to serve a thanksgiving meal. it was outside in the cold. we had to pick "buddies" to stick with, and the rules of engagement were pretty stiff. you can't be too careful, you know. well, amber was my buddy and angela joined us since she didn't have one. so here we are, three anti-socials released to mingle with the less fortunate. poor neurotic amber was fighting back the nausea that so often accompanies the social situations she's forced into. angela just stood there with amber. i felt guilty, though. as much as i hate being social, i didn't want to be selfish. i did help a man carry his food to where he was sitting. but amber and angela didn't follow. i was all alone, so i went back. a while later jeremiah tried to get us moving, and i stood by him smiling while he talked and asked people if they needed anything. i should have abandoned amber and angela and stuck with miah. the difference between them and me is that while i am antisocial, i know how to survive in a social world. one has to find a person or group of social people that one is comfortable with, hence deflecting much of the social responibility from oneself with a manageable portion left over. you're vulnerable in the open. hide in the crowd. that's what they didn't understand. and what i didn't fight to do. so while i did want to help and do feel guilty, i probably deserve whatever anyone would think of me for not helping as much as the other for not being proactive about it. shame shame. i'll go bury my self-pity in something productive now.
Posted by mb/rweirdlife
at 7:07 PM CST
Updated: Tuesday, 25 November 2003 7:07 PM CST
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Updated: Tuesday, 25 November 2003 7:07 PM CST
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