* SLEEPY MAN : (answering the telephone at 3:00 a.m.) Hello ... Hello.
* CALLER : What number is this ?
* SLEEPY MAN : Well YOU ought to know - You dialled it!

* SALESMAN : Isn't this a pretty dolly? See - you put it to bed, it closes its eyes and goes right to sleep just like a real baby.
* LITTLE GIRL : I can see you don't know much about babies!

* CUSTOMER : Part my hair exactly in the middle.
* BARBER : I'll have to put one out, sir. You have five.

* BALD MAN : Madam, what do you mean by letting your child snatch off my wig?
* MOTHER : Your wig? Oh, thank goodness! I was afraid that he had scalped you!

* FISHERMAN : The trout I caught was that long! I never saw such a fish!
* FRIEND : I believe .. your last remark.

* MAN : Now where the hell have I seen you before?
* BISHOP : I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from ?

* TEACHER : What is the formula of water?
* PUPIL : H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
* TEACHER : Who told you that?
* PUPIL : You Sir, You said it is "H to O" (H₂O).

* OLD LADY : (to the shopkeeper), Have you got anything for grey hair?
* SHOPKEEPER : Great respect, Ma'am.

* MOTHER : Get up, you lazy boy! See, the sun is up and you are in bed.
* BOY : Yes, but the sun goes to bed at six O'clock while I go to bed at seven!

* Father : (to his four-year-old son) What are you going to be when you grow up?
* SON : (giving him a scornful look) Bigger!