A Skip who had played poorly was asked after the game how he had done.
His answer: "I made four friends and three enemies!"
In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor curling
Click to enlarge pic.
Q: How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan?
A: Take away their brooms!
Why curling is better than sex
10. Men don't fall asleep when play is completed.
9. In Mixed Curling, women always shoot first.
8. The Iceman always cleans the sheets after you play.
7. Short is not always bad.
6. You can use your rubber more than once.
5. You get to shoot your rocks 16 times in just one game.
4. The harder you stroke, the further it goes.
3. You can score more than once in each end.
2. You can do it in eight houses in less than two hours.
1. In Mixed Curling, it's acceptable to play with your best friend's wife!
American/Canadian Temp. Conversion
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians Sunbathe.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
Distilled water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canadians rent some videos.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
American men win world Curling Championship
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE HAVING A BAD GAME
10. They start pebbling the ice in the fourth end.
9. Your skip keeps saying, "Nice try!"
8. Your opposition starts hanging its score on the next sheet.
7. While you're in the washroom, your team-mates sneak away to the bar.
6. The Ice-maker starts heckling you.
5. It's only the third end and already you owe your team-mates six drinks.
4. Your opposition is lying four and your skip wants you to throw your rock through the house.
3. You throw out your knee in the first end and your team-mates don't even notice.
2. Your sweepers burst into laughter when you release your rock.
1. You score an eight-ender in the second end and you have to throw your last rock to win 9-8.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CURLING:
1. Thou shalt worship the lord thy skip with all thy heart and all thy soul. Thou shalt not taketh the
name of thy skip in vain.
2. Thou shalt observe each curling day as a holy day. Six days shall ye toil, but on curling day thou
shalt enter the House of Curling and partieth on.
3. Thou shalt not wear thy street shoes upon the surface of the ice. The skips must stone to death
any infidel who bringeth unholy crap upon the ice.
4. Thou shalt not pass wind in the direction of thy opposing skip. If this ye doest, the penalty shall be
death.
5. Thou shalt place thy skip's rock before the holy hack with the handle pointed in thy skip's preferred
position.
6. Thou shalt not wear pants of outrageous design. If this ye doest, thy fellow curlers must heapeth
scorn and insults upon thee.
7. Thou shalt not covet thy opponent's in-turn or out-turn. Neither covet thy foe's draw weight.
8. Thou shalt not hoggeth thy rock in the shoot-out. If this ye doest, ye must offer up a double round
to appease the wrath of thy team-mates.
9. Thou shalt not let thy head swell with victory over thy betters. Woe unto he who does, for he shall
come crashing rudely to the earth.
10. Thou shalt not heap blame upon the keepers of the ice for thy losses. Neither shall ye blame the
makers of the rocks. Blame not thy team-mates, yet look inward to thyself for fault.
And speaking of the Bible:
All people who curl instead of going to church meetings will be glad to know that curling is a legitimate
religious activity, with scriptural sanction. For example, the Bible ..
.. speaks to the beginner who is assigned as Lead:
"He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone." (John 8:7)
.. urges the Second whose Lead has drawn two stones into the house:
"Be thou a guard unto them." (Ezekiel 38:7)
.. confirms a Second's personal resolution, as his Skip throws a take-out:
"I will sweep with the besom of destruction." (Isaiah 14:23)
.. describes the Vice(-skip)'s shots:
"The rocks are thrown down by him." (Nahum 1:6)
.. and notes the remarks of surprise and joy made by his Skip:
"Behold he smote the rock" (Psalm 78:20)
"Their rock is removed out of place." (Job 14:8)
.. makes only one comment about the activity of the Skip:
"Why stand ye here all the day idle?" (Matthew 20:16)
Stolen Broom
After having played in a bonspiel, the fellow put his curling gear in his car then returned to the club lounge for the post-games socializing. After a couple of hours, he left the club to make his way home. A few minutes later, in a very agitated state, he rushed back in. He went immediately to the public phone and dialed the police. The other curlers within earshot heard the following:
" Yes, I want to report the theft of my curling broom! What kind of broom? Well, it's a blue rink-rat with my initials on it. When did it go missing? Well, sometime within the last two hours. Anything else about it? Well, it was in my car and that's missing too!!"
How To Avoid Tripping Over Your Opponent's Rocks After 13 Beers:
If your throwing hand begins to get tired by the 7th or 8th end, try drinking with your other hand.
Sweeping is absolutely pointless. Stop listening to your skip. He's been fooling you for years.
Weight training for curlers: What are you, stupid? It's curling.
So you weren't a good hockey player as a kid. You took up curling. Well, who's laughing now? Actually, it's still them.
If your rock isn't going to the right spot, yell at it louder. That will make it do what you want.
To make things more interesting, give your opponents a good "face-washing" after the whistle.
And curse liberally.
And just throw the GD rock, already! Some of us have to work tomorrow!
Should you ever get good enough that you find yourself competing in a match televised nationally on the CBC, before every shot, be sure to discuss each of the implications with your teammates for at least 20 minutes.
Beware of curling groupies. They ruined Ed Werenich.
Humidity, air flow, temperature, water type, scraping patterns and pebbling density are all things that are essential to consider when making curling ice. Remember this next time you're trying to pick up at the brier patch. Talking about ice-making drives the ladies crazy.
Not curling with much accuracy? There's nothing in the rules stating that you can't try throwing the rock down the ice shot-put style. (Not recommended for those with back problems)
Remember, Canadians are the best damn curlers in the world. Boy, that's something to be proud of.
You lost. Who cares? You're not here to win! You're here to get loaded! Doubles all around! Remember, the more you drink, the bigger the circle looks!
