Chris Marsh: family goals

Never give up on your dreams

Marriage

Ever since Adam and Eve, most heterosexual adults have yearned for a fulfilling life-long relationship with a member of the alternate gender. We not only need his/her love but also to give of ourselves and express ourselves with him/her, and receive the support of true acceptance.

The only questions seem to be (1) Is this the right person, (2) Is this the right time, and (3) is this the right reason?

Consider the following reasons not to get married!

If I don't get married now I won't get married in my lifetime
If I don't get married in my lifetime I am not as good as other men/women
I/we can't have children, or that which brings children, unless I/we get married
I/We already had a child without marriage and society will mistreat me/us if I/we don't marry
Society/parents will treat me/us better if we get married
Living at home is such a drag and I can't afford to live on my own
We can share the rent, the chores, and other things
Sure beats working

Come on now! People marry for bad reasons and then, frequently, divorce: a worse end to a bad beginning.

On the other hand, loneliness is a painful alternative (and fear), and many people in our society have low self esteem, including in romantic matters.

I think we learn more and more about who is right for us through our mistakes (this is too harsh a word for some).

Those with disabilities similiar to autism will make more such mistakes than the average. First and foremost I would suggest that such people (who outnumber women three to one) seek mates who will be forgiving of mistakes on the folkway (customary, cultural) level. For example, my premature proposal to one woman in 1997 was one of ignorance and a desire to please someone I had warm feelings for, under not a little encouragement, but I have learned to presume "no" unless and until certain.

(Incidentally, this above representation is only an art form, and doesn't represent any known member of womankind. "She" is in many poses and styles in my first serious computer art, using Microsoft Paint on Windows 95. Angelfire free web pages has graciously given me the tools to convert .bmp to .jpg automatically!)

She doesn't have to be a blond thin Caucasian. No!

But she does have to be a Christian (2 Corinthians 6:14). I take what I read in the Bible seriously. You might say too seriously. I might agree.

I have regretted not dating intelligent, sociable, activist women who are not Christians. There are three women in my life (all happily married) who I think might represent pieces of the puzzle; one denies central tenets of Christianity in favor of humanism. Her friends are included among women I really like and respect. However, I just feel that Jesus knows better than I do, and I may be rewarded for that faith.

A Christian is not just a person who says he or she is one (Matthew 7:21). A Christian is not one who simply emotionally or intellectually agrees with God's existence or the concepts of love, peace, forgiveness, faith, and so on (James 2:14). A Christian is not one who simply does all the rules and recommendations either without error (Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:9-20).

A Christian is one who has asked Jesus Christ to forgive his or her sins and to dwell within him or her as Lord and Saviour. His power pays the penalty for our past and present sins. His power also helps give us a heart and the strength to live, increasingly, according to His will, which is increasingly Our will.

The most important human being in a Christian's life must be another Christian. We have no choice if our mothers, fathers, siblings, or children are saved, but we can make good choices in marriage.

Paul advised one not to marry (1 Corinthians 7), suggesting that one be unhindered before God. But some of us do not have that ability (1 Corinthians 7:9). I do not consider myself to have that ability.

Aside from having a patient Christian wife, what other questions am I asking myself, as I take risks asking Christian women on dates and building friendships with them?

Should I try to marry an intelligent, if not educated, Christian woman, so our relationship is strengthened by mutual interests and abilities?
Should I try to marry a socially intelligent woman who may help me in an area where I am weak, especially if she is weak in one of my areas of strength? This is particularly evident now that I am starting a big job. One of my female friends is telling me everything I didn't know about fashion and culture on the job.
Should I try to marry a recently born-again Christian woman? Would she understand better the issues I feel in relation to good non- Christian friends' issues (what to do about unwanted pregnancy, homosexual orientation, scientific evolutionism, etc.)? Or should I marry instead a Christian woman who is better rooted in Jesus than myself?
In any case, I think marriage is like going into a commando raid back to back, covering each other from hostile fire, in this case from Satan, who wants Christians to suffer, because true Christians cannot lose their salvation.

An idea?

I have an idea for who the perfect woman might be, as is depicted above. She has a name, Cardija (say Car-de-hah, as it would be pronounced in the Spanish language).

Now, how did I come up with that name?

Simple! As her hypothetical personality is a composite of several women friends close to me, so is her name!

I can't list their names on the Internet, but I can list why they hold the pieces, but not all the pieces, of the hypothetical perfect woman for me.

C stands for C.B., a woman I dated seriously. She contributes a strong love for Jesus Christ to the woman who might be right for me. Incidentally, she sings about Jesus quite beautifully, too.

A stands for A.C., a Christian woman who has excellent human relations skills. To a person with Asperger's syndrome, it would provide security for me to know that there is someone to teach me the skills I need to avoid the occasional unforgiving wrath of society, which results in lost opportunities, jobs, and independence.

R stands for R.M., who not only provides an example of first-rate intelligence and academic achievement (she received Shepherd's McMurran Scholar honor), but also makes an example of benevolent and activist humanism with her friends V.S., R.K., J.A., and K.E. She and her friends have campaigned for causes such as the end of the Persian Gulf War, gay rights, conservation, women's rights, and abortion choice (they seem to define human rights at some point well after conception).

On the other hand, R.R. in high school was my mental model for the highly-intelligent female teenage academic achiever able to challenge advanced math, science, and the same two foreign languages we studied. I am not sure what became of her ambition to be a pediatrician, but her example always encourages me to ask questions about nature, the Earth, and the universe. It was probably she who encouraged me to watch Nova on public TV. She was probably the first woman I loved "for her mind" but certainly not the last.

D stands for D.Y., who taught me compassionate Christianity and taught me how to make friends. She and her husband are currently expecting a child in November 1999.

J stands for J.A., who not only has benevolent humanism and conservation down pat (we attended gay rights functions together), but adds a certain spice of life to her significant relationships (shall we say, "flirting"?).

It is important for me to consider the personality of Miss Right, although I hope she is attractive.

Children?

I am glad I am not asking these questions to a woman right now, but there are reasons for and against having children.

For

To love and create, something in our own image, as God did when He created us, knowing that children have a free will (argument for natural children).
Hoping that they will grow up to be productive and happy members of society, hopefully similiar to us (argument for either natural or adopted children).

Against

Financial costs imposed by pregnancy, labor, delivery, and raising children to at least age 18 and possibly as late as the 30's (if they have Asperger's syndrome too, their sufficient employment may be in serious question, as mine has been. Adoption would render genetic risks irrelevant, and would supply another child with loving parents.). It would have to be considered that my employment status could be in question for years, maybe even the remainder of my natural life, although computer programming could be the answer all along, too.
Emotional and time demands when we could be doing something else with our lives, knowing that we are both responsible for children and/or adequate safeguards in prevention thereof. I might resent adding new challenges to my life. My employer might also keep me too busy for a family or at least the quality time I would like.
Also, not every adult should have children (issues of patience, nurturing, etc.) or at least should wait for a better time.
The children are not happy or productive or law-abiding, and/or, less practically concerned but more important over eternity, not saved.
The fear (I am anxiety- and risk-conscious), and chance of conceiving a baby despite multiple layers of safeguards. Sterilization would be effective but irreversible, and might be a mistake in retrospect.
It has been said that there are too many people on Earth consuming dwindling resources. The most voracious consumers of dwindling resources are Americans, and is the disparity of allocation of resources fair?
Fewer people, even suggesting fewer Americans, might have advantages in the next generation if the job market becomes very tight. Jobs come and go. Children live on.
The rare but possible return of my cancer (testicular) could make natural children impossible.
Children of any kind would strongly suggest a sincere and strong Christian spouse. There could be problems cross-converting children in a multi-faith family (although in my multi- faith family, parents had no surface agendas to socialize into me, and Mom seems accepting if not agreeing to my Christian faith.)

Jesus in the meantime?

If we, the Church, are the bride of Christ, what strength can we, should we, draw from our Lord Jesus while we are single? Are most of the bad reasons people get married things Jesus wants to give us without marrying another human and dragging him/her into our problems?

In any case, a Christian man needs to keep her from the sin-stain and medical risks of pre-marital sex. She does not need an unwed birth, social backlash, financial responsibilities without marriage and possibly with less education and job skills than intended. Both man and woman lose during pre-marital sex but she generally loses more. Love is preventing this from happening in the first place.

Comments please

I might be sorry I asked, but What do you think?"

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