Chapter 13

Peter and the Beowulf

"The universe is a sphere twisted back on itself. If one travels long enough, one meets himself coming back around."

-The Secrets of the Universe

"So you guys want to explore the ship?"

"Nope."

"You want to try to escape again?"

"Uh-uh."

"You want to play nerf wars?"

"AAAAAAAH!!!!!" Micah screamed in Joel’s face. This was very traumatic to him but had the desired effect of shutting him up. Joel began walking droopily out of the room.

"Joel, get back here and sit down." Dan commanded.

"No, no, I liked the idea of him leaving." Mike piped up.

"Aaaah, two conflicting commands! It’s too much for me!" Joel shouted.

The five members of the once escaped crew had, through one of those nifty space/time anomalies, all been beamed back to room 231 simultaneously. After comparing tales and snacking from Wes’s forbidden food stash (accompanied by the regular complaints and whining from the aforementioned owner of the food), activity had resumed it’s usual pace in the dorm. Accept for Joel, all the exploratory desires had long left the crew.

"You know, it’s really not fair," Micah broke in, feeling that a change of subject was in order, "You get above the 75’Th final fantasy, and then you have to use a holodeck."

"Don’t tell me you’ve beaten them all already!" Girdy exclaimed.

"Okay." Micah obliged. The room sat in pristine silence for a few precious minutes. Finally Girdwood broke the silence.

"Soooo…Did you beat them all already?"

"Sorry, can’t tell you that." Micah said. The room sat in pristine silence for a few more precious moments, after which Girdwood ran screaming from the room.

"So," Micah said cheerily turning to Joel, "You want to go look for a holodeck?"

"Yeah!" Joel said running for the door.

"When you find it, come back and tell me!" Micah called after him. Joel stopped.

"You’re not coming with me?" he asked.

"Nope."

"Oh." Joel sulked.

"I’ll come with you." Wes told Joel.

"There, you see, Wes will go with you. Isn’t that better?" Micah consoled.

"Well, I suppose." Joel said. He and Wes exited the room.

Micah sat back and smiled to himself. He had managed to get rid of Mike, Joel, and Wes. Life was good. Life was Skittle’s and Coke. It remained that way for exactly four seconds.

In record time, Girdwood was totally, and hopelessly lost aboard the alien ship. He walked past metal panels, flashing light tubes, translucent pillars, and a big flashing USELESS FILLER MATERIAL sign. He stopped at a slot on the wall with dispensable tourist maps. Taking one, he opened it and tried to locate himself.

"I don’t get it," he puzzled, "This map is totally alien to me…oh, well, I guess that WOULD make sense."

He followed a promising path, and found himself in a very promising shuttle bay.

"Hey, cool!" he exclaimed, showing an astounding knack for not learning anything from past experience, and fired the shuttle up.

"Hey Joel, why don’t you try THIS room." Wes urged.

"The one that’s labeled VICIOUS MAN EATING ALIEN DEMON DOGS?" Joel checked.

"How can you read that, it’s written in an alien text?" Wes asked.

"That’s not an alien text, that’s pig Latin."

"Oh," Wes said, "Sooo, you want to go in there?"

"It sounds dangerous." Joel commented.

"No, you see, that’s probably the holodeck, they just labeled it differently in order to trick us."

"You know, you might be right!" Joel exclaimed, "Dang it, I’m going in there!"

With determination Joel headed into the room.

"Oh mighty Matson!" Wes cried, "I have destroyed one of the infidels in your name."

"YOU HAVE DONE WELL, SLAVE. NOW, CONTINUE INYOUR QUE…" He trailed off as Joel stepped out of the room.

"You know alien demon dogs aren’t so bad, after all. All you have to do is scratch them behind their left ear, and they’re as tame as can be. They’re so distempered ‘cause they can never reach that spot, and..." He trailed off as Wes let out a wail.

"Oh, I have failed!" cried Wes.

"To do what?" Joel asked.

"To destroy you!" Wes cried, crumpling to the floor in defeat.

"Hey, cheer up. Aww, common’ Wes. I’ll tell you what, if it means so much to you, I’ll destroy myself."

"It just wouldn’t be the same." Wes muttered.

"Well you didn’t TELL me you wanted me to die."

"It was a bit of an oversight." Wes sighed.

"Tell you what will cheer you up, let’s play a nice game of tennis (1)." Joel smiled. Wes ran screaming down the hall.

"What?" Joel cried after him.

Micah shuddered as he heard the sound of Nick coming down the hall.

"Hey Micah, look, alien beams have mutated Skip (2)!" Nick shouted as he entered the room, followed by a thirty-foot fire-breathing lizard. Micah backed up. The monster closed in on him with that distinct I-want-to-eat-Micah look in its beady eye. In the desperation of the moment, Micah took another step back, teleporting across space and time.

"Oof!" Girdwood said as Micah materialized out of thin air and backed directly into him.

"Micah! How did you do that."

"I visualized two points in space in my head, connected them with a line, bent the line around a sphere, and then stepped backwards between them."

"Yeah, I took geometry too, but how did you come out of thin air like that."

"Um, never mind."

"That’s neat, can I do that?"

"Be my guest."

Girdwood closed his eyes, stepped back, and disappeared. After a few minutes, Micah got bored and decided to teleport back to the ship.

"ATTENTION ALL EARTH-SCUM. THE TRIAL IS AT HAND. YOU WILL BE ESCORTED TO THE COURT ARENA AND BE TRIED AND CONVICTED FOR THE CRIMES OF HUMANITY. IF YOU ARE FOUND GUILTY THE ENTIRE RACE WILL BE DOOMED…ACCEPT FOR ONE ‘DAVID GIRDWOOD (3)’. OUR FILES INDICATE THAT THIS PERSON IS PERFECT, AND THEREFORE EXSEMPT."

The divided crew slowly started to turn up in the arena, with the exception of Girdwood, who was still missing.

"Hey Joel."

"Yeah Micah?"

"You know that perfect answer to the charges we came up with?"

"Yeah."

"Just get ready to give that one out, okay?"

"Sure."

The group stood around a while waiting for Girdy.

"Hey Micah."

"Yeah Joel?"

"I’ve sort of forgotten what the answer was."

"You WHAT!?!"

"I forgot the answer. You don’t happen to remember it, do you?"

"No. Do you Dan."

"Uh-uh. Wes?"

"Haven’t a clue."

"Well at least we can plead incompetence." Micah muttered.

Just then Girdwood materialized backwards and tripped.

"Hey Girdy, have a nice trip?" Joel asked.

"You guys wouldn’t believe where I’ve…"

"That was a pun." Joel added.

"Yeah, I know," Girdwood replied, "anyway, you guys wouldn’t believe…"

"It was a good one, too. You could almost say it was a trip."

"Ha, ha." Girdwood stated. "Anyway, you guy have gotta hear what…"

"One could say that we met in the fall."

The temperature of the room decreased ten degrees as the entire group stared icily at Joel. Joel decided that this would be an opportune time to shut up.

"ANYWAY," Girdwood continued, "After I left you Micah, I ended up in Zanzibar. From there I transported to Algeria, and from there to this weird little planet called Tarmildew where I met this assistant accountant named Harry P. Fenderwick Jr. who taught me this system called Ti Quan Ouchie. Never once did I manage to make it to the girls dor…I mean, Milligan."

"SILENCE MORTALS! THE TRIAL BEGINS."