Chapter 15

"It’s a long way to Alpha Centuri, to the only girl I know."

"Many rules of physics and science change in various areas of the universe, but one rule remains constant. That rule is this: Life, in all it’s various aspects, is universally cruel."

-Secrets of the Universe

The entire group shuddered as if just awaking from a frightful dream in which Girdwood had absolute control. The voice continued.

"CHILDREN OF EARTH, YOU ARE BEING TRIED WITH SOLE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CRIMES OF HUMANITY, HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"

"I don’t think it’s fair that you should accuse US with the crimes of humanities," Joel spoke up,

"We don’t even like humanities! Try judging the humanities department (1)."

Anthony Stump, who has not been mentioned before in this story, and will most likely not be mentioned hereafter, but was put here for the sole purpose that he did not wish to appear in this story, strode past and said, "Shut up, Joel, and don’t talk again until you have a clue what is going on." Thus effectively eliminating any further dialogue from Joel.

Girdwood was the next to take the lead, stepping boldly forward and saying commandingly, "You don’t want to try us for the crimes of humanity."

"I DON’T WANT TO TRY YOU FOR THE CRIMES OF HUMANITY." The voice repeated.

"You want to let us go."

"I WANT TO LET YOU… HEY! WAIT A MINUTE, YOU’RE USING THE OLD TI-QUAN-OUCHIE MIND TRICK."

"Drat," muttered Girdwood. At that moment Nick Sisson burst in the room shouting, "I don’t want to try you for the crimes of humanity! I want to let you go!"

"It’s especially effective on the weak minded." Girdwood explained. Then an idea struck him. "Why don’t we pin the crimes of humanity on Nick?"

"ON WHO?"

"The hyperactive one with the beard!" Girdwood pointed to Nick.

"THAT ONE DOES NOT TRULY EXIST."

"What!?!" the rest of the group exclaimed.

"NO," the voice continued, "SENSOR DATA INDICATES THAT THE ONE KNOWN AS ‘NICK SISSON’ IS AN ANIMATED ILLUSION CREATED BY THE COLLECTIVE MINDS OF ALL OF YOU, ESSPECIALLY THE ONE CALLED JOEL C FURCHES, AND THE ONE CALLED DAVID ROSE, WHO ARE BOTH SELF-TORMENTORS."

"Dave is a self-tormentor?" Wes questioned.

"Of course, it all makes sense!" Micah exclaimed, "Why else would he be going out with Amy?"

At that moment, the subject of conversation entered the room, swinging a knife about.

"Farewell, all!" he cried, "I am deprived of the love of my life! For this reason life is no longer worth the living! Goodbye cruel world!"

"UNIVERSE." The voice corrected.

"What?" Dave asked.

"YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO BE THAT LIMITED. LIFE IS UNIVERSALLY CRUEL."

"Oh, sorry. Goodbye cruel universe!" Dave cried raising the knife high in preparation to terminate his pathetic, dependant existence.

"See, this proves my point!" Micah said, thankful for the timely example.

"Give me that thing," Girdy grabbed Dave’s knife, "You’re going to hurt yourself."

"But…"

"Shut up, Dave."

Dave shut.

"Can’t we pin the crimes of the universe on him?" Micah asked.

"WHAT, THAT SNIVLEING WIMP? HE ISN’T EVEN RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS."

There was a certain logic to that that the group could not dispute.

"NOW STEP DOWN FROM THE SPEAKER PLATFORM, REDHEADED ONE."

"Your Mom." Girdwood muttered.

"Uh, Girdwood," Joel spoke, breaking the rule of the clueless mute, "Most Alien races immediately assume that any indicated statements about their mothers are compliments."

"Your Mom was a slime-sucking swamp crawling, blood-devil crustacean from the deepest sulfur swamps of Betelgeuse!!!" Girdwood cried, particularly impressed with himself for that spontaneous insult.

"Um, Girdy, that’s exactly what his mother was."

"Drat!" said Girdy, who could never tell when he was receiving psychic signals, via his Ti-Quan-Ouchie training, "Well, then, Your Dad!"

"His Dad was eaten by his mother shortly after mating, he couldn’t care less." Joel corrected once again.

"Your Sister?"

"Won’t work, broods are either all male or all female."

"Look, you know so much about alien culture, YOU insult him!"

"But I don’t want to insult him!" Joel said.

"This is Doctor Matson we’re talking about," Micah commented.

"You lousy, stinking heretic!!" Joel cried, "I hope you rot in the fiery blackest furnaces of everlasting perdition!!" Joel paused. "Oh, yeah, but God forgives." He added.

"Goodbye cruel world!"

"Somebody get that gun away from Dave."

There was a brief struggle while Dan tried to wrestle the pistol out of Dave's hands, during which he was shot. The bullet went straight through the hole in his middle. At last the gun was in his hands.

"Whew," Dan sighed in relief, "I tell you, if I didn’t have this hole in my middle, I would have a hole in my middle."

The group had almost grown totally immune to stupidity, and yet this statement still caused them to shudder. At that moment Brian (2) walked in the room in order to clarify that this was, in fact, a stupid statement.

"Oh, that was smart." He said in overly obvious sarcasm. The Sarcasm Seek and Destroy machine gave out one, last massive effort, frying Brian to a bubbling puddle of grease. With this last effort, it shorted out never more to bring justice to a sarcastic world.

"THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!" The voice shouted, absolutely fed up with the shananigence, "YOU WERE ASKED A QUESTION, ANSWER IT NOW!"

"I object, your honor!" shouted Girdwood.

"ON WHAT GROUNDS?" said the incredulous voice.

"We can’t remember the question." Girdwood admitted.

"HOW DO YOU PLEAD!"

"Oh, yeah, that question." Girdwood said brightly, noticing that the courtroom contained a "Pointless Dialogue" light that had been flashing for some time now.

"We plead ‘not guilty’, your honor." Dan took the leadership, which some others resented.

"Why not just end it now?" Dave moaned, "It would all be better that way."

"Oh, DO shut up." Joel said, which was yet another astonishing development.

"I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO DO THIS THE HARD WAY, THEN." The voice sighed, "VERY WELL, THEN, WHO WANTS TO TAKE OPEN ARGUMENTS?"

"Oo-oo, I will!" Wes cried.

"DO SO, THEN." The voice said, stonily.

"Wait, the entire fait of earth rests in the hands of Wes? I want to abdicate to another race!" Micah grumbled. Wes, for his part, was insulted. Here he was defending his friends instead of siding with the one he virtually worshipped, and they didn’t even appreciate it! He shrugged it off, and took the stand.

"Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury…" he started.

"WE HAVE NO JURY HERE." The voice cut in.

"What do you have?" Wes asked.

"WE ARE A TRIAD. I, MATTSON, AM THE HEAD. MY RIGHT HAND MAN IS JAKE, AND OUR SUPPERIOR IS JOE."

Micah leaned over to the rest of the group.

"I don’t like the sound of this. We can’t expect a fair trial from Matson or Jake."

"Your right," Girdy said, then out loud, "We would like to appeal to Joe."

"OH, NO ONE SEES JOE. I DON’T EVEN SEE JOE."

"Then how do you know he exists?" Girdy asked.

"OH, I JUST TAKE IT ON FAITH."

At this, Joel fell to the floor in a fit of laughter.

"YOU MAY RESUME YOUR ARGUMENT." The voice continued.

"Ahem. Matson. I appeal to you as a theologian. When God made man, never mind how, he put in him his everlasting spirit. God chose his people of the Israelites, to whom he gave the law. It was soon apparent that no man could live up to the law. Out of love for the human race, he sent his son, Jesus, born among his people, the Israelites. He taught and was rejected, being crucified. But he rose on the third day, bringing redemption to all who choose to be saved," (Girdwood gave him a nudge (3) "Oh, yeah, and baptized," Wes grumbled. He continued, "Henceforth, all people of the human race are the chosen of God. Therefore, you cannot condemn the race, which brought forth the Messiah. God judges us on an individual basis, and it is for no man, or superior race to judge us otherwise. Here I stand, I cannot do otherwise."

The room fell silent after that impassioned speech by Wes, who was particularly proud of sticking the little reference from Martin Luther in there. At last the silence was broken by the voice.

"YOU EXPECT ME TO BUY THAT LOAD OF BEEP? IS THIS THE BEST ARGUMENT YOU HAVE? APPEALING TO SOME ‘GOD’? NEXT WITNESS."

Wes was crushed. Joel consoled him as best he could.

"It’s okay, Wes, you did your best, considering this is Doctor Matson we’re talking to."

Girdwood stepped up to the stand next.

"So what, exactly are these ‘crimes of humanity’?"

"YOUR LANGUAGE IS FILLED WITH ATROCITIES SUCH AS SARCASM, AND CUSS WORDS, WHICH MY RACE CANNOT ABIDE. YOUR CONVERSATION AND ACTIONS FOCUS ON THE SEXUAL CONSTANTLY. YOU ARE PERVERTED IN ALL OF YOUR WAYS. YOU CONSTANTLY BICKER ABOUT RELIGION AND DENOMINATION. YOU ARE BIASED TOWARDS ALIENS. YOU DO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL. AND YOU HAVE VIOLATED SEVERAL DISTINCT COPYRIGHT LAWS. IN FACT, EVER SINCE THE WHEEL, AND FIRE, YOU HAVE BEEN PUMPING OUT ONE AFTER ANOTHER OF DEVICES THAT WHERE ALREADY COPYRIGHTED."

"That’s easy, we’re guilty." Joel said.

"Joel, are you from this race, or something?" Micah asked

"What’s wrong with petty bickering over religion and denomination, I LIKE to do that." Wes whined.

"So, uh, what’s wrong with sex, again?" Girdwood asked.

"SO WHAT IS YOUR ARGUMENT, HUMAN?" the voice asked.

"Um… your data banks have an error in them, due to a pizza box stuck in the computer. Our race isn’t like that at all." Girdwood said, then, turning to Micah, he whispered "Quick, transport back in time and stick a pizza box in the computer."

"Okay." Micah said, stepped backwards, and disappeared.

"YOU’RE RIGHT," the voice said, "WE DO HAVE A PIZZA BOX STUCK IN OUR MAIN COMPUTER, REVERSING OUR DATA."

"Whew." Girdwood sighed in relief.

"BUT IT WAS PUT THERE AFTER WE GATHERED DATA ON YOUR RACE, SO THE CHARGES STILL STAND."

"Darn." Muttered Girdy. Micah stepped backwards into the room.

"Micah, you idiot," Girdwood accused, "This is all your fault!"

"What? I transported manipulating time and space, and STILL you accuse me?"

"Well, yeah, mainly because I needed some recourse."

"NEXT WITNESS PLEASE."

Girdy pushed Joel forward.

"Go get ‘em tiger."

"But…"

"Get up there and astound ‘em with your excellent grasp of alien logic!"

"Uh, okay." Joel relented and took the stand timidly, "Um, ahem, your honor, I would like to begin by saying that the jableitz of your grostulm is ramplient."

"UNDERSTOOD. PROCEED."

"Your honor, it is easy to see that the human race is, indeed guilty in it’s lack of guilt. This situation, racking the consciences of the peopled planet, earth, has caused the need to contrive several artificial crimes that the superego’s should quiet themselves, and leave us with problems of our own to work out. This is a nicely designed way to occupy our time, nothing more."

Joel stepped down.

"THAT ARGUMENT WAS EXSEPTIONAL, AND YOU WOULD ALL BE FREED AS OF NOW, IF IT WERE NOT FOR THE FACT THAT THIS ‘JOEL’ FAILED THE ENTRY EXAM, AND HAS NO PLACE IN THIS COURT."

"Hey Joel, how, exactly, does one use alien logic?" Micah asked.

"It’s kinda’ tough to explain."

"Try me."

Joel took Micah off in the corner. Moments later they returned and Micah was scratching his head and muttering, "Yes, of course, it’s all so clear to me now. Why didn’t I see it before?" Then to the others he said, "Guys, just let me talk, I’ve got the perfect idea."

"ARE YOU READY TO PRESENT YOUR FINAL TESTEMONY."

"We are, your honor." Micah spoke.

"THEN PROCEED."