Chapter 4 continued....

Or maybe an off shade of orange-purple?

The group sat up groggily and unfastened their belts.

"I guess we can leave now." Girdwood commented.

"NOT SO FAST." the voice spoke. Everyone groaned.

"IN PREPARATION FOR THE TRIAL FOR THE SINS OF HUMANITY, YOU WILL EACH BE GIVEN A SHORT TEST WITH SOME TOTALLY RANDOM QUESTIONS TO MEASURE YOUR INTELLIGENCE. YOU WILL BE SEPARATED AND LEAD TO DIFFERENT CLASSROOMS TO BE TESTED."

Girdwood sat on a stiff chair with an intolerably bright light shining in his face. He was being pummeled with questions.

"What is the square root of pie times the color of chipmunk droppings."

"Um...12?"

"WRONG! If you're flying through the desert in a canoe, and you get a flat, how many pancakes in a stack?"

"Um...45?"

"WRONG! What are the primary colors of an exponential equation divided by the value of SIN?"

"Scarlet and Partruce?"

"WRONG! If two trains hit each other going one hundred and twenty miles an hour, How many sunflower seeds can a peg-legged penguin spit?"

"I LIKE FISH! " Girdy shouted.

"That is correct, you have passed. You may go now."

"I hate this alien logic." Girdy mumbled. (1)

Micah was sitting alone in a large classroom. His questions where on a sheet of paper in front of him. He perused them all. They read:

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.

Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1) H I S T O R Y

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2) M E D I C I N E

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3) P U B L I C S P E A K I N G

Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4) B I O L O G Y

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5) M U S I C

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6) P S Y C H O L O G Y

Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7) S O C I O L O G Y

Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8) M A N A G E M E N T S C I E N C E

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

9) E N G I N E E R I N G

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

10) E C O N O M I C S

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

11) P O L I T I C A L S C I E N C E

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

13) P H Y S I C S

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

14) P H I L O S O P H Y

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

15) G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

* * E X T R A C R E D I T * *

Define the universe; give three examples.

"Oh, boy." Micah thought.

Wes was being led by ____ to his test. Without warning, Wes clobbered ____ on the head with his NOAB (2), which put _____ out cold. He ran hurriedly down the halls of the ship, searching for the command center. A blue-ish blob came strolling down the corridor.

"Which way is the control center?" Wes asked (no TRUE man would ask directions).

A psuedopod stretched out of the blob indicating the direction.

"Down the hall, to the left, just past the restrooms. You can't miss it. Bye the way, big boy," the Blob continued flirtatiously, "Would you like to come over to my place later?"

"Um, Oh, sure, okay." said Wes, who apparently missed the fact that it was a come on.

Wes approached the door with trepidation, and slowly entered the command center.

"WHO DARES TO INVADE MY ABODE." the commander spoke, turning in his chair.

"It is I, Dr. Matson, your eminence, sir." stuttered Wesley, bowing before the awesome figure.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT, HERE, IMP."

"I have come to join your service. Perhaps together we can conquer the galaxy and unite the churches in a restorationist philosophy, converting them all to DOC (3)."

"YES!" Matson hissed, "THAT IS MY DREAM AS WELL!" Then he frowned. "BUT ALONE WILL I RULE THE CHURCH, THERE WILL BE NO PARTNERSHIP. REMOVE THIS SPITTLE FROM OFF MY BOOTS."

"No, wait, Oh master!" Wesley cried, holding up Metzger. "It says here that we are to exist in Christian unity." A bolt blazed forth from the eyes of the would-be conqueror, burning the Metzger text to ashes.

"NOT ANY MORE." he stated.

"But you can't just ignore Biblical text!" Wesley exclaimed.

"I CAN, AND I DO."

"Wait, master, I can be your servant, shine your shoes perhaps!"

Matson paused to consider.

"VERY WELL, SLAVE, YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO REMOVE THOSE PESKY HUMANS YOU HAVE BROUGHT ON BOARD. I GIVE YOU COMMAND OVER WHATEVER POWER YOU NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THIS, BUT RETURN AMONG THEM AS A SPY. MAKE THEM BELIEVE YOU ARE THEIR FRIEND, AND DESTROY THEM WITH SECRECY."

"Yes, my master." Wesley exclaimed.

Dan Corizzo was sitting in a school desk two sizes too small. The sheet in front of him said:

Instruction: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.

Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1) H I S T O R Y

Complete this statement: "I came, I saw, ________"

(Dan thought for a moment, and then wrote: "I kicked BEEP.")

2) M E D I C I N E

What portion of your anatomy do you pass gas with?

(Dan smiled and wrote "With your BEEP.")

3) P U B L I C S P E A K I N G

Say something.

("Beep," Dan said)

4) B I O L O G Y

Write everything you know about anatomical functions.

(The page fairly withered under the material written here.)

5) M U S I C

What is your favorite band?

(Dan smiled and answered)

6) P S Y C H O L O G Y

Pronounce the word above.

(Dan struggled, but got it out)

7) S O C I O L O G Y

How many people do you even know?

(Dan had trouble counting with his shoes on.)

8) M A N A G E M E N T S C I E N C E

There are two marbles on your desk, one black, one white. Order them from darkest to lightest.

(Dan's head was hurting.)

9) E N G I N E E R I N G

On the table in front of you is an I-beam. Carefully study the item and determine how it got its name.

(Man, these are getting tough, Dan thought.)

10) E C O N O M I C S

There are five dollars on the table behind you. Find some way to spend it.

(YES! I can DO this! Dan thought.)

11) P O L I T I C A L S C I E N C E

What is your opinion of Bill Clinton?

(The judging board was unable to decide how to interpret the string of BEEPS that came as an answer.)

12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y

Find a profanity in the above word.

(Dan found it.)

13) P H Y S I C S

There is a ball on the table to your left. Pick it up and release it. Report on the results.

14) P H I L O S O P H Y

Is "Party till you drop" a legitimate philosophy of life? How so?

15) G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E

What is your name?

* * E X T R A C R E D I T * *

Add two and two and check your answer. Show your work.

Dave found himself in a small closet with a sheet of paper. It had one question on it. It was an essay. It read:

Do snails have ears? If so, why? What possible purpose would a snail have for having ears? If not, why not? Do they think they are too special to have ears like the rest of us? Argue the benefits and disabilities that having ears has, or would have on a snail. Consider such questions as: "Would having ears help them hear their fellow snails crunch on the highway?" "Would not having ears leave them in blissful ignorance?" "Is this a good or a bad thing?" and "Does anyone care?"

Dave thought for a moment, and began:

"Let me illustrate this with something that my girlfriend, Amy, once said..."

Joel found himself in a room similar to Girdy's, and answering questions exactly the same as Girdy's.

"What is the square root of pie times the color of chipmunk droppings."

"You can't flush a sausage." Joel answered calmly.

"CORRECT! If you're flying through the desert in a canoe, and you get a flat, how many pancakes in a stack?"

"Because ice cream has no bones." yawned Joel

"CORRECT! What are the primary colors of an exponential equation divided by the value of SIN?"

"Three wrongs make a lemon-meringue pie" Joel grinned

"CORRECT! If two trains hit each other going one hundred and twenty miles an hour, How many sunflower seeds can a peg-legged penguin spit?"

"Oh SHOOT, I don't know this one!" Joel cried.

"You could not answer the question, therefore you have failed the test. Exit the examining room."

Joel was the last to join the group in room 231. He walked in, head drooping, and flopped down.

"So how'd you do?" Micah asked.

"I failed." Joel muttered, "How'd you guys do."

"Well mine was okay," Micah said, "I got it done in an hour, instead of the four I was given. It was pretty tough, but I aced it."

"Yeah, basically we all passed."

"Lucky me." muttered Joel.