-The Secrets of the Universe

Five figures floated eerily through the blackness of deep space.

"How many ways did you say there were for us to die in space?" Wes asked Micah nervously.

"Approximately 2.31 times ten to the power of fifty," Micah responded in an off handed manner. A retching sound came over the radio.

"Just keep your eyes on the goal, and don’t worry," Joel added.

"Easy for you to say, I just puked in my space-suite," Dave spoke gloomily. They were all tethered together with Joel in the lead, carrying the singular propulsion unit, and pulling them along.

"Well, you guys might not like this zero-G stuff, but I think it’s kinda cool," Girdy enthused.

"Ah!" Wes exclaimed as his tether slipped down around his waist and lodged around his angle. As he was dragged along by the ankle he bent down (a totally irrelevant term in space) to try to grab the rope. As he did, a ripping sound could be heard, followed by a vapor trail flowing from his rear.

"Help!" Wes called over the radio.

"His suite is depressurizing!" Joel called.

"Oh, gee, look, Wes is in danger of losing his life," Girdy said with nothing resembling concern, "Too bad it would put us all in danger to help him. Guess you ought to cut the rope, Joel. We all have to make sacrifices, Wes," he called back.

"Well SOMEONE has to help him!" Joel exclaimed.

"How?" Micah asked.

"Grab the rip and hold it together," Joel suggested.

"You want to grab it? Be my guest," Girdy offered.

"This is going to involve ridicule, isn’t it?" Joel asked.

"Yup," they all agreed.

"My suite smells and my face plate is smeared! I can’t see a thing," whined Dave, who had not really been listening to the conversation. Joel fired the retrorockets so that he stopped, and the others momentum carried them toward him. He then took Dave’s hand and grasped it on the leak in Wes’s suite.

"Hold this tight, Dave, it’ll make the trip much more comfortable for you," Joel explained. Wes flew the rest of the way to the docking bay by the seat of his pants, literally, to the mutual enjoyment of Girdy and Micah.

* * *

After activating the emergency air lock, the group removed their suites in the dark storage room beyond. Girdy pulled out a lighter and fumbled to start it, intent on giving them some light. Joel and Micah dove on top of him and knocked the lighter from his hand.

"What is with you guys?" asked the put-off Girdwood.

"Just sniff the air!" hissed Joel.

"Pure oxygen," Micah filled in for him, "If you light that- POOF- we all go up in flames."

"Now listen," said Joel, "It is essential that we act like the pirates in order to mingle correctly. If you don’t do exactly as I say, we will stand out like a bunch of sore thumbs."

"Okay, we get the point, just tell us how they act," said Mike.

"Well, um, do you guys remember that movie I rented that one time?" Joel asked.

"Which movie?" asked Micah.

"Um… the ‘Pirates of Penzance,’" Joel smiled sheepishly.

"Oh, the STUPID one?" asked Girdy.

"Uh, yeah," Joel muttered.

"The one we hated so much?" asked Micah.

"Yeah, that’s the one," Joel clarified.

"The one we mocked you for, for weeks on end?" asked Wes.

"I think you guys remember it," mumbled Joel.

"The movie that brought our opinion of you down to almost nil?" asked Dave.

"Yes, YES, that’s the one!" shouted Joel.

"Okay, just by way of clarification, we ARE referring to the really, really stupid movie that we saw, is that right?" asked Girdy. Joel just slumped against the wall and moaned.

"Well? What about it?" asked Girdy.

"Um… that’s what Space Pirates act like," Joel responded just barely audibly.

"WHAT!?!" shouted the group as one.

"You mean they communicate by singing?" asked the incredulous Micah.

"Uh-huh," Joel confirmed.

"And break into spontaneous dances?" asked the unbelieving Dave.

"Yeah."

"And dress in tights and shiny hip boots?" questioned the dubious Wes.

"Right."

"Well, I’m taking my chances in deep space, anyone want to join me?" Girdy piped up.

"Yo! Count me in," Micah chimed in.

"Now look, it’s not that bad," Joel tried to explain to the guys getting back into their space suites, "All we have to do is dress like them, and walk nonchalantly through the ship, get into the stealth cruiser of our choice and get out. If anyone sings at us, we sing back, and if we are caught we just tell them that we are orphans. Matters o’ fact, let’s just choose a spokesman who can sing for us. Who here can carry a note?"

They all looked at each other.

"Let me clean my face-plate, and I’ll be right with you guys," Dave told Micah and Girdy.

Five minutes later, Joel had managed to talk everyone into his plan and they all grudgingly donned the pirate suites that were in the convenient lockers on the walls of the storage room. Feeling foolish, they all walked down the corridors of the pirate ship. Other than two occasions when they had to involve themselves in the choreography of a conversation, their trip to the hanger was uneventful. It was Dave that saved them on those occasions, knowing something about dancing.

The real trouble started when they reached the hanger. A guard sang out to them:

"Halt, or take leave of your senses,

Do you bring to me offenses

Your excuse I’ll hear,

Piracy a dreadful trade is,

Are you men or are you ladies?

I lend you my ear!"

"I’ll handle this," Joel whispered. Then he sang,

"No, we do not leave our senses,

If, we brought to you offenses,

We would not be here,

We are men we are not ladies…"

"Move, or you will taste our blade-eys," Micah interrupted. The guard growled and drew his blaster gun.

"Let us disappear!" Joel finished. The pirate began singing his intention to kill them.

"Away, away,

My heart’s on fire,

I have this base insultion to repay,

This very night,

My gun quite dire,

Shall blast you all

Away, away!"

Mike sang back as they fled:

"Farewell, farewell,

We wish to say farewell,

We hope to never meet again except in…"

"Common, in here," Micah grabbed Girdy and pulled him into the stealth ship they had selected. Joel leaped to the controls, and floored the throttle accelerating them at an intolerable rate out into deep space, the entire fleet on their heels.