Chapter 8

Dave’s tale

"It was once said ‘Love conquers all.’ This saying, although completely true, has been misinterpreted over the ages. People tend to think ‘Love conquers all’ means that love between two people will overcome all obstacles between those people. This is proven day after day to be false. The proper interpretation of the saying ‘Love conquers all’ is the image of a ruthless conqueror striking down man and women until it has all within it’s iron grasp."

-The Secrets of the Universe

Twenty-four hours after the separation, one thought was foremost upon the mind of David Rose: "I have no clue how to operate this thing!" It was not a leisurely passing fancy; rather it was the soul intent of Dave’s entire being to communicate how entirely clueless he was as to how to operate the craft that was in his control, only semantically.

Twelve hours previous, Dave had the idea that he was in control, that earth was only light-miles away, and with it, his lady love. Then all Sheol (1) broke loose. Warning lights flashed, sirens howled, and weird energy patterns began swirling beyond the craft. Now, twelve hours later, the lights where still flashing, the sirens still howling, and outside the ship space was not visible, but rather a tunnel of energy that he seemed to be careening along at an unbelievable rate.

The lights where giving him a headache, and he had removed his glasses long ago. The sirens where no different than the poorly done, and really loud music that he tended to listen to. It was the tunnel of energy that was worrying him. The amazing thing was that, though his ship was giving him helpful readouts on the condition of the ship, none of them seemed to make any sense.

Dave leaned back, putting his glasses back on, and wondered, not for the first time, what to do. The monitor above him seemed to be offering a suggestion. It said:

"PUSH THE RED BUTTON, STUPID!"

It was only logical, in retrospect that the red button was the one to push, since every button in the control panel was, in fact, red. Dave typed into the keyboard:

Query: Which red button?

"THE FLASHING ONE," the screen read. They were all flashing.

Look, this isn’t getting us anywhere, Dave typed.

"SIGH," the computer wrote, "OKAY, LISTEN. PUSH THE RED, FLASHING BUTTON IN THE UPPER LEFT WITH THE WORDS ‘NEVER, EVER PUSH THIS BUTTON,’ WRITTEN ON IT."

Query: You really think I ought to push it?

"YES FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WHY NOT?"

Well, it’s just that… aw, forget it.

Dave committed himself and pressed the button. A brilliant burst occurred in front of the ship dilating Dave’s pupils so fast he could hear them slam shut. The ship spun sickeningly flinging him from his chair. This sort of thing wasn’t supposed to happen, of course, since there was a sort of magnetic seat belt keeping him from experiencing the effects of acceleration in space.

When Dave had dragged himself back into the seat, he was in high orbit around earth.

At this point, it is necessary to clarify what has happened to Dave (interrupts the program "Secrets of the Universe"). You see, due to extenuating circumstances that act upon finite creatures in unpredictable ways (sometimes referred to as ‘fate (2)’), Dave has gone through an electron passage where all matter is instantaneously converted to ‘plenergy (3)’, a virtually unknown state of matter. The alter-dimensional pathway is polarized so that plenergy can travel quickly and continuously in a loop that encompasses all alternate realities. Since plenergy lies somewhere in-between matter and energy, the only way to come out of the loop is to create an energy disruption causing the object in question to convert all the way. When Dave created the disruption, he, and the entire ship where converted into energy, conveyed into reality, and then immediately assumed the form of matter again. Unbeknownst to Dave, however, is that he is in an alternate reality.

It was late midday when the tiny vessel, made it’s slowed arch in the sky, and landed at a college called Longwood in southwestern Virginia. Dave was preparing to disembark from the ship, when a panel opened next to him.

"Hello!" chirped a not-unannoying voice. Dave looked and saw a small robot coming out of the wall behind the panel.

"Who are you?" Dave asked the robot.

"I am your planet guide," the robot responded brightly, "I will accompany you on your exploration of this new planet."

"But it isn’t a knew planet, this is earth!" Dave protested.

"Fine, fine," the planet-guide bubbled cheerfully, "I have a list of great things to do on earth."

"I KNOW what I want to do on this planet!" Dave was nearly screaming, "This is Longwood, where my girlfriend, and several of my other friends live, I am going to visit them!"

The planet-guide was silent for a moment, then piped up, "Let’s get cracking then!"

"I’m going alone," Dave said icily. The robot’s glassy eyes enlarged, and its little mouth turned down and began to quiver. A drop of lubricant fluid trickled from its visual receptor. It hung its head, and began heading back to its nook. Dave could only maintain his resolve momentarily, and then he crumbled.

"Alright, come on," he muttered. The robot instantly recovered its cheery composure, and bounced merrily after him.

It had taken Dave a little searching to find an open parking spot. It was at Wal-Mart, and now he had to walk about three miles to get to French Hall, which is really just called French. This long walk may appear to have been unnecessary, but really it wasn’t, seeing as all on-campus parking lots are two miles away anyway. Just as the two were walking up the steps, a big white van pulled up. Peter and Brett, two of Dave’s friends, hopped out… into the path of an on-coming semi. Sadly, they didn’t survive. Doug (4) stepped out of the van and shrugged, "Wow, that’s bad about Peter and Brett. Hey, who are you?"

At this time, Dave, who had not heard the question, let out a yell and charged. "DIE!" He shouted. "DIE, AND MAY YOUR GREAT AND POWERFUL EVILS DIE WITH YOU, HERETIC!!!!!"

"Uh, Sir," the planet-guide worried. "Why are you going to kill him? I haven’t met any of your friends yet, but I already like this one."

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" screamed Dave as barreled forward. Dave missed Doug and ran into the van. (To spare Dave’s pride, it won’t be mentioned that the alternate reality versions of his Milligan friends were present, and laughed and mocked him for the next twenty minutes… Oh, who am I kidding?)

"You moron!" laughed Girdy.

"You idiot!" swore Micah.

"You dufus!" shouted Dan.

"You bad person!" yelled Joel.

"You geek!" exclaimed Girdy.

"You really bad person!" screamed Joel.

(It went on like that.)

Micah, Joel, Doug, and Girdy left, conversing over the stupid behavior of this strange individual. Dave, being somewhat stunned, entered French Hall along with the planet-guide. (This was odd, seeing as French Hall had electronically locked doors that can only be opened with a student ID card last time he was here. Dave, however, did not notice.) The two proceeded down the hall to the second door on the left. Dave knocked on the door and it was opened by a thin, bespeckled blond. Dave saw Amy and started bawling.

"I never thought I would see you again, and now you are here!" Dave cried.

"You got a problem, mister?" Amy asked.

"It’s me, Dave," Dave said, hopefully.

"Never seen you before in my life," she frowned.

"Um… sir?" said the planet guide.

"What?" asked the broken figure.

"I think we’re in an alternate reality."

Dave ran screaming from the building.

"Weirdo," Amy muttered, closing the door.

The alien mothership, which had chased him through time and space, waited outside the building. Dave was beamed away as quickly as his dreams had disappeared. The ship and he vanished from that dimension. Of little consequence, the planet-guide became president of the college in that reality.