Daddy
by Nadene
1.
slut. goddamn mother fucker.
your terms of endearment to me
i remember it all
just below my skin lurks the shadow
of every slap
every punch
everything you ever did to me
i grew up quite fast
to heavy metal
punk
and suicide
you drove me to drugs
told me how you hated my mother
gave me m+m's
told me not to tell
you made me believe i was nothing
now i've learned
trust no one
if you can't trust those who are
supposed to love you
the mirror reminds me
i am half yours
i resemble you
so unfortunate that your genes
carry on
you never understood
i don't know if you could
maybe it was all you knew
maybe my very existence was an offense to you
father, so useless
you fucked up my life
i will never forgive you
you showed me hell
when i was but a child
you trained me well
passivity, silence, my specialties
oh, but i have changed
i have grown
i liked to convince myself that if i saw you again
i could scream fuck you
you fucking ruined my life
you goddamned mother fucker
i raised my siblings every night
helped them with their schoolwork
trained the baby to silence
made sure they were clean
fed, ready for school the next day
what did you do?
you ran off
with your friends
or you slept
only acknowledging me when i did something wrong
showing your love through each slap
i showed my hate with each tear
did you ever grow up?
somehow i've surpassed you in age
i have more control
it kills me to see you still
everytime, old lessons resurface
passivity, silence
teachings in fear
i remember being young
fighting with my sister in the car
i spent the rest of the ride in terror
of the inevitable beating at home
i have memory gaps
who knows what you've done to me
you've taught me rage so fierce
i've scared myself some times
homicidal thoughts
but death is too good for you
someday
someone will rise against you
someone you can't beat down
they will teach you hell
drain your will
pump in fear
pain
silence
every action has an equal and opposite reaction
goddamn it
i hope you get yours soon
2.
When i was very small, i used to wish you were dead
my image of perfection
you in a coffin
still, rageless
placed in the grand forever
never to hurt me again
i couldn't have been more than 5
when i learned hate
childhood ended at 8
when the baby was born
mom returned to work
i became a mother then
but i was smart enough not to resent the baby
just you
your only act of fatherhood was one goddamn sperm cell
your genes are probable tainted, anyway
then when i couldn't cope anymore
you didn't understand
but if i would have died then
it would have given you
satisfaction
one less mouth to feed
oh, but who would you slap around in my place?
what exactly is it you hate in me?
i still can't believe i came from you
3.
What demons hid inside your soul
to bring you so much hate?
you claim you have changed
but i am not a naive little girl anymore
you took that away from me
do you ever regret?
would you ever send me an apology?
odds-infinity to nothing
you could never change
hate is eternal
love fades
i don't know if i ever loved you
4.
i remember when i was locked into that place
and mom finally broke
you would come to see me tell me
what an ungrateful bitch i was
determined to convince me
i was worthless, i drove my mother
to suicide
every visit ended in tears
but i couldn't confide in anyone
ingrained silence
your threats that you would send me
away forever if i told
show me real abuse
mother fucker, you taught me abuse since i was born
i lived
breathed
ate
slept abuse
somewhere in your depravity
you must've realized
everything bad in me came from you
you taught me a hate so strong
it goes to the core of my very being
indescribable revulsion
the words for you do not exist
5.
When i was a little girl, i loved to sing
one of my few paths to happiness
but something about it offended you
(as did everything about me)
after hearing about how much my voice repulsed you
i stopped
gave up my dreams
even today
whenever i open my mouth to sing
i expect someone to scream
"Goddamnit, shut UP!"
or maybe feel a stinging slap
so many goddamn lasting effects
i once had a teacher tell me
(after i poured my heart and soul into an essay)
that there are no lasting effects of abuse
if only she could see my scarred and tattered soul
6.
i will end this in the sixth part
one-third of the number of the beast
when i went through my occult phase
you once called me a witch
if only i was
so i could cast you down into the
very depths of hell
from whence you came
HATE
....HATE
........HATE
............HATE
................HATE
....................HATE
........................END
Back
back
Email: gothiclove16@yahoo.com
