Our Secret
by nadene
i'm racked with so much pain. can you help me?
i want you to pull me up, but you try to pull me down
i get up and open the door. moonlight invades the room
you lie on the floor. it sems so far away
when i join you a little later, your screams echo in my ears.
i'm on the floor with you. you're crying tears that stain my body.
i hold my tears back. you push yours away, and we kiss.
you pull away and look out the door. "the grass is so green," you say.
you go sit by the window, enraptured. i come over, and we sit together.
you lean on my shoulder. i am fully myself.
you drop and crawl across the floor to sit in the center.
all alone, i cringe with pain. you've left me again.
you bang your head against the floor. the violence is overwhelming.
as you slowly look up, i sense your despair.
together, we are both alone and opposite from each other.
i rise, flip my hair from my face, and turn on the radio.
i dance. you lie on the floor and sing.
"is this real?" you ask. i shake my head no.
"are we wasted?" i miss you with love, even though you're right here. you're so far away.
for a moment, movement ceases. then, you begin to chew your hair.
i turn on the t.v. a stupid rerun. turn it back off. the radio will do.
you hide your face with your hair. now everything you see is tinted black.
you smile at me as you sing words of pain.
i wait for you to finish.
you retrieve your bass from your car and begin to play fast.
suddenly, without warning, you jump up and throw your arms out to me.
the bass lays forgotten on the floor. i show you my outstretched hand.
at the look in your eyes, i shed my angel wings.
i throw down my halo and watch it shatter.
you drink from me. i do my part in the teamwork.
things calm down. i'm going to sleep.
one last muscle spasm. i'm gone.
you drift into sleep. when you awake, i've returned to this world.
we get in your car, and you drive.
you are restless, because you've long since surpassed me.
i sing, but now, i have a beautiful voice. the smoke in the car turns to dust.
you stop the car and motion to me.
we get out and run through the rain-soaked streets, until we reach the club.
inside, you dance in a very cute way, so we dance together.
your mood swings as midnight falls.
these blue lights are starting to hurt my eyes.
you scream quietly, then run off in the smoke.
with all this smoke everywhere, i can't see to follow you.
i'm jealous of the way you can do that.
now, surrounded by so many people, i am alone. i hate solitude.
i catch a glimpse of you in the hallway. i run to you.
you can take away all this pain.
on the floor, i see broken glass. i hear a gunshot close by.
i freak out and scream.
you sneak up on me, even though i'm looking for you in the darkness.
blue eyes. black hair. i see your body and cry tears of relief.
you scoop me up and carry me away. back in the car, i compose myself.
no radio this time as we drive.
you talk. i listen closely and concentrate.
you say i must believe in you. you've picked the fruit of the forbidden tree, and given it to me.
i'm still close to tears. i speak softly to ask why.
you are strangely silent, but i can feel you are full of energy.
frustrated, i gaze off into space, but my emotions show through.
i have to stop pretending i'm normal. i am unwillingly the center of attention now.
"are we dead?" i ask you. no answer.
i make a face at you. you whisper yes.
we argue. my hair falls into my face, but i do not care anymore.
even now, my eyes are filled with love.
through cigarette smoke, i see yours are filled with sadness.
we drive to my house.
inside, you light a candle and toy with the flame.
it's only half-past midnight. the look on your face staring into the fire is especially wicked.
chanting, your voice distorts and your hair hides your left eye, so fine.
i push your hair back and watch it fall in waves.
you don't even notice. you're so distracted even when i'm right with you.
so much distance is descending between us. you are so pale in this light.
i make coffee for you. you smell it and set it aside. this may take all night.
you go to my room. i follow.
you rustle my chains, peek into a mirror, and grab a knife.
i passively outstretch my hand. you drink from my wrist.
i do the same to you again. somewhere a dog barks.
somewhere, there is happiness but not here.
we are deader than ever, and being childish.
this is not a game. you use the phone.
i lay one hand on your shoulder and one on your knee.
i use my foot to hang up the phone.
once again, i ask you why. you say i'm suffocating you.
we fight again. you grab my shoulders and throw me down.
on the floor, i cry. your eyes are so lifeless now.
the air is heavy with sorrow and bloodtears.
not love right now, only agitation.
i feel caged. you are so indifferent to my sadness now.
i say suicide. you are still indifferent.
what is left? i light the house on fire.
it explodes likew our lust used to, but now only bloodlust.
we fade out, burn together.
my creation, your destruction.
maybe, what you wanted all along.
as the ashes fly, i know we are not understood.
was this love?
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Email: gothiclove16@yahoo.com
