Clinton Quiz
The Answers are at the bottom of the page.
1. In his wedding vows to Hillary, Bill Clinton promised to: A.Love, honor and cherish you until death do us part. Within reason. B.Remain faithful: i.e. abstain from non-oral sexual contact with extra-spousal parties. C."wear pants." D."Remove my right hand from the maid-of-honor's left buttock."

2. According to sources familiar with transcripts between Clinton and former White House intern Monica Lewinski, an aroused clintonis heard exclaiming:
A."Let's pretend we're being watched by Leon Panetta." B."NAFTA! NAFTA! NAFTA!" C.$2.95 for the first minute? What a ripoff!? D.Ooo, baby, yeah. That feels good, . . . Uh, no, sorry Yasser, I thought you were someone else.?

3. Special prosecutor Kenneth Starr has been investigating Clinton since:
A.Allegations of wrongdoing surfaced in the Whitewater land deal. B.Paula Jones filled sexual-harassment charges against Clinton. C.Questions surfaced about Democratic campaign finance practices. D.The introduction of Arab coinage in A.D. 696.

4. When discussing the White House sex scandal with children, what's the most appropriate euphemism for referring to the president's genitalia?
A.Mr. Winky-Dinky B.Col. Flibbers C.Heinrich von Wriggle Meister D.Li'l Elvis

5. Clinton this week forcefully declared: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anyone to lie. Not a single time. Never. These allegations are false." Assuming the contrary proves true, which of the following rationales would Clinton -- described in Time magazine as a "cunning linguist" -- most likely use to deflect accusations that he lied to the American people?
A."I did not have sexual relations with her. She had them with me." B."What I said at the time was that I didn't have sexual relations with a Ms. Slewinsky -- and that's the God-honest truth. As for Miss Lewinski, that's a different matter." C."It's true that I never told anyone to lie a single time. I told Monica Lewinsky to lie dozens and dozens of times." D."An 'allegation' isn't necessarily an acccustion. According to Webster's it can also mean an 'assertion' and an 'assertion' -- again according to Webster's -- is a statement. So when I said 'These allegations are false,' I was referring to my statement that I didn't have sex with Monica Lewinski -- Which I did. Get it?"

Answers
1.Answer: D 2.Answer: B 3.Answer: D 4.Answer: D 5.Answer: all of the above

The Night Before Impeachment
'Twas the night before impeachment
and throughout the White House,
all the creatures were sleeping
except Bill Clinton, the louse.
He handled a picture of Monica
and silently made a swear,
that someday, somehow,
they'd continue their affair.
Chelsea was in college
all snug in her bed.
With dreams of the scandel
dancing in her head.
When from the oval office
Bill heard such a clatter,
he sprang from his seat
to see 'twas the matter.
When what to his wonderus
eyes should appear,
but Monica, a cigar,
and a sign saying insert here.
But what about impeachment
Bill said sharp as a pin.
We'll rewrite the Starr report
all over again.
Santa overheard this
and said with a grin,
"Give this man a furby!
They're furry, small, and thin."

Clinton in Hell
When Bill Clinton dies, he is sent to hell and he is met by the devil himself. The devil says to Bill, "You have your choice of how you will spend eternity here in Hell." The devil then leads Clinton to a hallway with three large doors. The devil opens door #3 and Clinton sees his wife Hillary chained and suspended over a large fire with the flames searing her skin. "Oh, shit," Clinton exclaims, I don't want to spend eternity like that," and they move to door #2. When the devil opens the door Clinton sees Al Gore chained to a rack and he is being flogged by midgets. "Let's get outta here," says Bill. "I don't want that room either." They leave that room and the devil then reveals what is behind door #1 and Clinton's eyes light up. He sees Ken Starr chained to a wall and Monica Lewinsky is giving him an eternal blow-job. "Yeah, yeah," Clinton replies with utter glee. "I'll definitely take this room. Definitely." With that, Clinton and the devil enter the room and the devil says, "Come along with me, Monica. Your relief is here."

Clinton and the Pope
Sadly both Bill Clinton and the Pope happened to die on the same day. By mistake, the Pope went to hell and Clinton went to heaven. They both spent a full day in the wrong place before God discovered his mistake and ordered that they be switched. So Clinton and the Pope were rounded up and sent along to the right places. Passing each other along the way, Clinton shouts across the clouds to the Pope: "Hey Pope, you're so lucky, you will really enjoy heaven." The pope replies: "Yes, I'm so looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary" Clinton yells back: "Sorry, too late for that"

Chelsey goes off to college and she meets this really handsome guy named John. They start dating and pretty soon John asks Chelsey to marry him and she says "yes." Chelsey is so excited that she calls her dad up to tell him the great news. As soon as Bill Clinton finds out who she is going to marry he says, "I'm sorry honey but you can't marry him." "Why not?" "Well, you see this is how it is. Many years ago I had an affair with John's mother and John is actually my illegitimate son, so you can't marry him." Chelsey is heart broken. She tells John that she won't marry him and is very depresed until she meets this guy named James. They date for awhile and soon James asks her to marry him. Again she runs to the phone to tell her father the good news. As soon as Bill Clinton hears who his daughter wants to marry he says, "I'm sorry honey but you can't marry him either." "Why not?" "For the same reason. James is my illegitimate son." Chelsey is again very heart broken and sad. One day she meets this really nice guy named Adam. Adam asks Chelsey out and before she will agree to go out with him she calls her dad and asks him if she and and Adam are realated. "I'm sorry to tell you this honey, but Adam is also your brother," says the president. At this point Chelsey is getting really ticked off so she calls her mother up to complain. "Every guy I fall in love with or even anyone who asks me out turns out to be Daddy's illigitamate son." "Oh, don't worry about that," says Hillary. "Why not?" asks Chelsey. "Because Bill Clinton is not really your father."

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is ticked. He storms into the Secret Service compound and yells, "There's a death threat on the front lawn! And it's written in urine! I want to know who did it, and I want to know NOW." The Secret Service agents scurry for the door. That evening, the chief agent approaches Clinton and says, "Mr. President, we have some bad news and some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says, "Give me the bad news first." The agent says, "Sir, we tested a sample of the urine. The results just came back. The urine belongs to Al Gore." "Oh my god," Clinton says. "I feel so ... betrayed! My own vice president! What's the *really* bad news?" "Sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary."

Years after the scandal, Hillary is in a car, it crashes, and she dies. When at heaven she sees St. Peter and the pearly gates. She asks if she is in heaven. St Peter replys, "Yes, you are in heaven... but you must excuse me for a few minutes." St. Peter leaves, and Hillary looks around. After looking around for a few minutes she realizes there are millions of clocks. Once and a while a clock would turn 15 minutes ahead. She waited longer and St. Peter came back. She asked him, "Why do some of these clocks turn 15 minutes ahead, while others just turn normally?" St. Peter replies,"Well, every time a man commites adultery his clock turns 15 minutes ahead." Hillary asks, "Where is my husbands?" St. Peter replies,"Oh, it's in God's office-he's using it for a fan.

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Chelsea clinton were in Air Force One just sitting and talking when all of a sudden, Bill Clinton pipes up, "I bet if I threw a hundred dollar bill out this window, I could make one person really happy." Hillary, not to be outdone, says "if I threw 10 ten dollar bills out this window, I could make ten people very happy." Al Gore finally says, "if I threw 100 one-hundred dollar bills out the window, I could make 100 people very happy. Chelsea, after hearing their ways to make people happy, said "I bet if I opened the window and threw you three out, I could make millions happy.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly, Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, "Throw the first PITCH!"

Q. Whats the difference between Clinton and a Screwdriver?
A. A Screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton Screws interns.
Due to Clinton's escapades the Lord has added an 11th
commandment: 11. Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.
Q. What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
A. Three different answers.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q. How did Clinton create 14 million new jobs?
A. 13 million of them are comedians. What do you call 8 nights of blow jobs?
Hannukah Lewinsky. The other day, Hillary Clinton asked Chelsea if she was having sex yet. Chelsea just smiled and said: "Not according to Dad."

"STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss"
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

There were 5 presidents on the Titanic--Carter, Reagan, Bush, Nixon and Clinton. As the Titanic hit the iceberg...Bush exclaimed, "We hit an Iceberg" Reagan queried, "We hit what?" Carter declared, "Save the women and children!" Nixon said, "Screw the women!" Clinton asked, "Do we have time?"

Have you ever heard of a President being BLOWN out of office?

A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

Q.) What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
A.) You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen.

Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that President Clinton wishes he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.....

Q: How do you satisfy Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It takes a village

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with his dick?
A: Both were once pointed sharply towards the left but are now, inexplicably, aimed directly at the center.

Only Clinton can take our mind off a sex scandal withanother sex scandal

Overheard in the White House; Yassar Arafat to Clinton-"Billy, try Goats, they don't talk"

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after Great sex.
A: Honey I'll be home in 15 minutes. (Old I know, but seemed appropriate again)

Nixon was the crooked President who followed Johnson. Clinton is the sitting President with a crooked Johnson. (this refers to the bend in his penis which was remarked by Paula Jones.)

It seems the biggest new game to play in Washington DC is swallow the leader.

How ironic... this is the second time in history a "Deep Throat" has been at the center of a presidental controversy.

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Most people afraid of getting AIDS from sex. Clinton is afraid of getting sex from Aides.

Q: What were Clinton's fist words to Paula Jones at the deposition?
A: "So now you open your mouth!"

Q: Do you know why Clinton doesn`t play his saxophone anymore ?
A: Cause he is playing with his horeMonika.

Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A: He just bends over the pages!

Q: Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
A: He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff.

Q: How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
A: "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth."

Q: What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
A: They both heard a giant sucking sound!

Q: What's the headline on the Washington Post read?
A: Bush finally defeats Clinton.

President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in the deposition . . . I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

Bill Clinton's favorite pick-up line... "I'd love to meat you in the Oval Office."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A: To keep his ankles warm.

Q: Why did Monica always drink with a straw while she was an intern?
A: Practice

In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late night meetings with the President..."I can't remember the details, she said, but I know the answer is on the tip of my tongue!"

Q: What does Hillary Clinton do right after she shaves her pussy?
A: She sends him to work.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker

Q: What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A: Lays.

Q: Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at revlon?
A: He knew she would be good at making things up.

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And, the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Did you hear that Clinton has decided to change his military rank from Commander in Chief to Semen First Class?

Q: What's the difference between Nixon and Lewinski?
A: One shredded the incriminating evidence, the other hadn not a shred of incriminating evidence

Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
A: When you have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse.....

After the State of the Union address on Tuesday, President Clinton was asked about Rwanda. "I never slept with her," he replied.

Q: How did Ms. Lewinsky initially feel about her job in the White House?
A:She liked it going in.

Bill's favorite song is: "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy"!

Q: What would Congress have to do to avoid any more Presidential sex scandals along withsolving the Iraqi problems?
A: Cut off the Presidential war "head" and drop it on Baghdad....

Q: What's the latest method Clinton's using to control his weight?
A: Lie-pole-suction

Q: Did you hear Hillary's writing a new book?
A: It's called 'It Takes A Village 2' (keep an eye on my husband!)

Q: What is Monica doing now that she can't see Willie?
A: Chewing Dickorette gum.

Hey did you hear that the president's plane got stuck in mud? The stewardess fell right off his lap.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a computer?
A: He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory.

The IRS wants to audit Monica Lewinsky to see if she's claimed the money she saved by eating at Bill's.

Bill and Monica were made for each other. Monica has a crooked mouth.

Q: What's the difference between Vince Foster, Ron Brown, and Monica Lewinsky?
A: Monica is the only one who took a shot in the head from Bill and lived to tell about it.

What does being an intern at the Whitehouse prepare one to do? A recent survey showed that 16% of former interns qualified as carpenters for making Bill's banana stand, 28% became kneepad salesmen, and 58% became head tasters at factorys making strong cheese.

The President is very excited about his new educational program for Americas children. He plans to teach sex education himself and believes he can solve the problem of enough meat in the school lunch program at the same time.

c A couple of Bill Clinton buddies were talking about what a sweet smile Monica has. Bill replied, "Yes. She has the whitest teeth that I have ever come across."

What were some of the things listed on Monica's job description? Worked in various positions under a high government official ... become familiar with White House (ceilings).

After her White House job , what could Monica add to her resume? 2 years on the Presidntial staff

Q: What do the Green Bay Packers and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A: They both blew the big one.

Q: Did you know that Monica isn't 100% Jewish?
A: She has a little bit of hillbilly in her.

What was Monica's official statement about the whole sex scandal? "It really left a bad taste in my mouth.

Q: What does Chelsea Clinton call the sexual allegations against her father?
A: POPPYCOCK!

President Clinton was in the elevator one day and one of his interns got in the elevator also. He said to the young lady, �Would you like to see the presidental clock?� The lady replied, �Sure.� So President Clinton unzipped his fly and pulled out his dick. The lady screamed, �That�s not the presidental clock!� To which Clinton replied, �With a face and two hands it will be!�

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!" The president remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"

What does Bill said to Hillary after sex? I'll be back home for 15 mins!

They took a pole of 100 women in Washington D.C. and they asked them the question, "Would you every sleep with the president?" 95 of those women said, "Never again!"

How is Bill Clinton different from the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

What is the new nickname for the oval office? The "oral office"

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

I keep hearing people from Clinton's inner circle talk on radio and television saying that they are behind President Clinton 100%. Good idea, since it's obviously not safe to stand in front of him.

Doesn't Clinton realize that a coverup always gets you in more trouble than whatever you did in the first place? He should have just opened up, come clean, and taken his licks. Oops, I guess maybe he's already done that.