Three blokes are down the pub and they´re really pissed. There´s a little show on in the pub and next up is a magician. He´s looking for volunteers, so the three of them, pissed as they are, get up on stage. He hypnotises them and says:"Alright, when you come home you´re gonna do whatever your wife tells you." He claps in his hands, they´re awake again and they´re all like:"Ah, didn´t notice a thing, this hypnotising bollox doesn´t work."

A few beers later they get tired and go home, the first one arrives at home and he´s still a bit thirsty, so he wants to have another beer, but when he tries to open the bottle he´s so clumsy he breaks it. His wife comes in and screams:"Well, why don´t you just break the whole house down!" So he goes and gets this big axe and destroys the entire house.

He´s got nowhere to sleep now, so he decides to go over to his friends place, but when he arrives there, there´s ambulances and police, his friend is standing in the middle of the street. "What happened?" he asks, the other one says:"Well, when I got home I wanted to have one last fag, but I dropped the match and the carpet started burning a bit. My wife came in and said, well, why don´t you just burn the whole house down, so I did!".

The two of them decide to spend the night at their friend´s house, but when they arrive there, there´s police cars and an ambulance and their friend sits on the pavement covered in blood. They´re like "What the hell happened???" He says:"I got home and when I went upstairs my wife was lying in bed naked and that got me a bit horny, so, you know, we started kissing and that, and one thing led to another, so I went down on her, but just when I was licking her clit she said: Well, you´ll have to cut that out for a start!"

...erm........horrible, isn´t it, but also very very funny

This bloke walks into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. They sit down at a table and the bloke asks if they wanna have some beer. The ostrich says:"Alright.", but the cat goes "Well, as long as I don´t have to pay for it!" "Ok, ok" says the bloke "I´ll get the round then". He gets the three pints and sits down at the table again. They finish their drinks and he goes "Another round?" The Ostrich says:"Yeah, great!", but the cat goes "Well, you know, I´m NOT paying for it!" "Alright, alright, I´ll get the round" says the bloke and goes to the bar.

The barman is really curious now and asks the bloke "Sorry, but what the hell are you doing in the pub with an ostrich and a cat?" "Well" he says "I was walking down this beach and I found this bottle, when I opened it there was a ghost inside and it said that I´ve got a wish now that I set him free. So I said, All I want in life is bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"

Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit"... Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant." Bill: "No way, he's a stockbroker." Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better of the builder...

Fred: "'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example............Do you have a goldfish at home?"
Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
Fred: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden and that you have a large house?"
Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Fred: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Fred: "But what´s the use of it?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!"
Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!"

Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.
Bill: "I see the suit was in there - did you ask him what he does?"
Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!"
Bill: "What's that then?"
Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Bill: "Nope?"
Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a wanker!"

An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

A true story from one of our pharmacists. Customer walks into high street chemists and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. Assistant explains that they don't stock them. Man insists that he bought his last one from this store. Assistant passes man on to pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. Man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. Pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. Following day man returns to chemist and shows deodorant to pharmacist, who asks why customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. Customer explains that instructions on reverse state "PUSH UP BOTTOM TO USE".

The Golfer Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery. One said to the other "Gee , your face is a mess. What happened ?". The other bloke replied "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting yourself what happened to you ?". The second patient said "Honeymoon".
The first fella said "How did you do that on your honeymoon?". The damaged groom said "Well it was the third day of our post nuptials so we decided to leave the suite and check out the resort we were staying at. The new wife is quite a keen golfer so we elected to play 18 holes".
"Did she belt you with the club?" asked the inquisitive patient. "No , No " said the husband "Everything was just fine until we arrived at the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the boundary fence and into this cattle stud next door. Well , she wanted to look for the ball so we both jumped the fence and started looking for it. Anyway after ten minutes searching we still hadn't found it. So I started poking around in the cow pats that were lying everywhere".
"Did you find it then?" his mate asked. "Not immediately , but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail. So I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there was a golf ball jammed right in the cow's arse. It was the same number as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cow's bum and yelled to the wife 'This looks like yours darling' , and I woke up here in hospital".

Boom Boom!